Cousin Drama...any ideas of how to resolve this?

[Cindyz]

All of our holidays take place at my SIL's house. She has 4 children and for whatever reason they don't like or want to spend time with my son. My SIL tries to remedy this, but at this point it is what it is. My son is only 7 and doesn't really get their attitudes yet, but I know it's coming. He LOVES his cousins and can't wait to see them at any opportunity. They, on the other hand, could care less.

 

The last two times we were there, he was not allowed in their rooms and not allowed to touch or play with any of their toys. The second time we brought our own toys for my son to play with and of course he had hopes and plans that they would play with them along with him, but they really wanted nothing to do with the toys or with him.

 

My SIL is going through a separation and severe family issues and really isn't able to deal with the situation. She says that her kids have the right to have things that are special to them that others aren't allowed to touch or play with, however from our perspective, this is apparently everything the kids own. She also said that her son said my son went into his room and took apart his lego creation that took him hours to build. I don't believe this to be true. My son builds lego creations that take hours to build as well and once they are built they stay built. He has never taken them apart so I'm not sure why he would suddenly go to their house and take apart his legos? My inclination is to think the son is exaggerating to get traction with his mom to keep my son out of his room. Even if I consider it to be true, wouldn't it be possible to move or put away the items they don't want played with or touched without closing off everything to my son?

 

Obviously this does not make us feel welcome, but as I said, my son doesn't seem to "get" the situation. He has ADHD and possibly asperger's so this is probably why the cousins have decided to exclude him from their feelings and activities.

 

Of course my first inclination is to say that we will not be attending get togethers at their home, but this would mean that my son would not have a family Christmas celebration and I'm sure would cause a lot of drama in the family.

 

Aside from not attending the get togethers and aside from discussing the situation with the mother (tried that and major drama ensued....we all ended up leaving Thanksgiving in tears before we even had dinner because of the situation), does anyone have suggestions of things that we can do ourselves to make this situation more tolerable?

 

Thank you for reading!

[Parker Martin]

Why not have a family Christmas with just your immediate family (you, husband, kids) and then go over there just for a family meal? Then your son could see everyone without having to deal with other issues.

[meggie]

 

Of course my first inclination is to say that we will not be attending get togethers at their home, but this would mean that my son would not have a family Christmas celebration and I'm sure would cause a lot of drama in the family.

 

You would rather your son have a negative extended family celebration than a positive immediate family celebration? If you left Thanksgiving in tears, what positive comes from these get togethers? You can't change them, I would just accept it for what it is and not go. :confused: No snark intended, just :grouphug:. From what you say, it doesn't sound like things will change.

[Cindyz]

Why not have a family Christmas with just your immediate family (you, husband, kids) and then go over there just for a family meal? Then your son could see everyone without having to deal with other issues.

 

Thank you for the response. We do Christmas for just our family (my husband, son and myself) on Christmas Day. On Christmas Eve, we go for dinner and family gift exchange. It's still about 3 - 4 hours when all is said and done. Even going for just dinner is about 2 hours and I can't see telling my son we weren't staying for the gift exchange.

 

I thought about bringing along a packed ipad with movies and fun games and such for him to do, but I've always been against kids being absorbed into personal media devices at family get togethers. I just think it's not the time or place for it as it should be time for family to spend together, but in this situation...I just don't know.

[Cindyz]

You would rather your son have a negative extended family celebration than a positive immediate family celebration? If you left Thanksgiving in tears, what positive comes from these get togethers? You can't change them, I would just accept it for what it is and not go. :confused: No snark intended, just :grouphug:. From what you say, it doesn't sound like things will change.

 

I know. It's so sad, and hard to face. :( :( Thanksgiving was terrible...worse than I could have ever imagined. The adults have talked and apologized. I just don't know if I can ever foster the type of relationship with the cousins that my son really desires.

[Tigger]

How old are the cousins?

[Parker Martin]

I would go to the Christmas Eve function but encourage my son not to run off with the cousins. "It's Christmas, and I want you to stay in here with all of us for some family time." I would include him in all of my adult conversations. Surely the adults will be welcoming even if the children aren't.

[Chris in VA]

:grouphug:

I think, in your case, an ipad would be a blessing.

 

Just curious--what's the age difference between the cousins and your child? That could have something to do with it, too. And, perhaps there's something he's done in the past that made them choose to not want to play as much--something they didn't want to tell you about? Not saying it's all his fault, just that maybe they are protective because of something you don't know about.

Add family drama to that, and maybe it's just yuck all around.

 

I'm sorry you have to put up with children who are, well, childish. :grouphug:

[Danestress]

If you really must go, I would try to have some "family activies" to do while there - have everyone outside playing football, arrange for a board game that includes all the kids and adults. Rather than expect the cousins to entertain your son in their rooms, how about the adults come up with ways that all the kids can be entertained together?

 

I do think you are putting SIL in an tough spot. Her kids may just really have a hard time dealing with your son, for reasons that might be hard for us to understand as adults but that may seem very obvious from their view. I think it's a shame they can't suck it up and try to engage. How old are they?

[Pretty in Pink]

You can't force the cousins to interact with your son and their mother won't, so what can you do? I would try to talk to their mother one last time and see if she can nudge her children in the right direction. They don't all have to entertain him the entire time you are there but perhaps she could encourage them to spend a little time with him playing games or just watching a movie. How old are her kids?

[FaithManor]

I'd say that given the separation, this family is in some turmoil and they just don't hae the perspective needed to see your point of view.

 

I would not go there. I would instead invite them to your house for a nice family meal and an hour or two of fellowship. I'd make your son's room off limits to everyone and instead, plan a group activity...a fun family movie, a nature hike, walk to the park, drive to see the Christmas lights, etc. something that keeps everyone together so your son gets to be with his cousins, but the pressure is off of them to handle something emotionally that they clearly aren't handling well.

 

Faith

[Parker Martin]

I would also say that keeping people out of their rooms is not necessarily bad or unwelcoming unless they're retreating behind those closed doors during family functions. I certainly don't open up my bedroom to guests. :tongue_smilie:

 

I like Danestress's idea of coming up with some things for the whole family to do together.

[Snickerdoodle]

This is one of the most depressing posts I have read. How sad for your son that ya'll go to a family function but he is unwanted there. Unless he is super clueless, I'm pretty sure he picks up on that vibe.

 

I don't have any great advice. My mama bear instincts would be all aflutter if I were you.

 

What happened to learning to be a good host/hostess? Of course the kids can have boundaries with their personal items or personal spaces, but they can't even feign good graces for a couple of hours?

[Legomom]

I like the idea of bringing a board game for the adults and kids to play together. Apples to Apples works great for my family. Even if the cousins don't want to play at first, they may see how much fun it is and want to join in This gives everyone a chance to enjoy each other and since adults are participating it helps to smooth any issues out that may occur with the kids.

[OLG]

I'd say that given the separation, this family is in some turmoil and they just don't hae the perspective needed to see your point of view.

 

I would not go there. I would instead invite them to your house for a nice family meal and an hour or two of fellowship. I'd make your son's room off limits to everyone and instead, plan a group activity...a fun family movie, a nature hike, walk to the park, drive to see the Christmas lights, etc. something that keeps everyone together so your son gets to be with his cousins, but the pressure is off of them to handle something emotionally that they clearly aren't handling well.

 

Faith

 

Excellent advice! You can only change what you can control and as Faith has said, this family has lots that they are dealing with at the moment. Best to bring the ballgame to your place and make it all a group activity.

Sorry for the stress!

[Carol in Cal.]

I would go, as the family as a whole needs stability. I would bring the IPAD but carefully explain that this because of the separation, and will not be repeated. I would also tomato stake myself to my son--I would not leave him to 'go off' with the cousins. I would accompany him to facilitate this process, and make sure that no gross meanness ensues.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

Part of me says that you should just not go.

 

Then another part of me says that you should go and keep him with the adults, as a pp suggested.

 

THEN....another, perhaps more snarky (?) part of me says that perhaps you should sit down with SIL and her kids and talk it out (w/o your son present), asking things like,"so, after he dismantled your lego creation what did you say? What did you do?" and watch his reaction. Perhaps the REAL reason would come out? :confused:

[ShutterBug]

I just don't know if I can ever foster the type of relationship with the cousins that my son really desires.

 

No, you can't :( .

 

We can try our best, but ultimately you can't force kids like each other, enjoy each other's company or want to spend time together. You just can't.

 

The best you can do is attempt to facilitate play, but in the end, it's just not something you can force.

 

For whatever reason these kids just don't want to spend time with your son. It's heartbreaking, especially since he seems to have such admiration for them.

 

Unfortunately, there are going to be times, such as family get gatherings where they'll need to be in the same place at the same time.

 

I'd suggest putting together a bag of things your ds enjoys playing with on his own. Toys, games, movies..even an electronic device such as an iPad or DS with stuff to keep him entertained. Bring a couple of games that you and he can play together if he's getting itchy to play with someone else.

 

How old are the cousins? Can you sit them down and try and pinpoint with them what the problem is? If you can do this, try and keep an open mind about what they are saying instead of dismissing it as exaggerations, over reactions or lies. Knowing and understanding what the problems are might help you work with your son in resolving some of the issues.

 

I'm not saying this is the case with your son...but in our family we have a cousin that the other kids don't particularly enjoy spending time with. He's aggressive, can't keep his hands to himself, is disrespectful and rough with their toys and belongings (to a point where EVERY SINGLE TIME he visits something gets broken or ruined), can't follow rules to games, won't stop a behavior after being asked repeatedly to please stop doing "so and so", etc.. The kids don't say anything to his mom because she just dismisses his behavior due to him being younger (he's 7, the other kids are 8 or 9) or somehow manages to blame the other kids for his behavior. The end result is they don't like to play with him, don't bother saying anything to his mom, and even though I do my best to encourage and facilitate play, I can't say I blame them for feeling that way. Once again, I'm not saying in the least that this is the case with your son...I'm just giving an example from my own personal experience.

Edited November 28, 2011 by ShutterBug

[AK_Mom4]

I thought about bringing along a packed ipad with movies and fun games and such for him to do, but I've always been against kids being absorbed into personal media devices at family get togethers. I just think it's not the time or place for it as it should be time for family to spend together, but in this situation...I just don't know.

:iagree:

I vote for this. Just remind your son that the rule of getting to play with these is that he has to break off to talk to people if they speak to him. He sounds like a nice kiddo that won't have any problem with this (or you can gentle help him if needed).

 

I think this is totally appropriate if the other kids are shutting him out. Of course - nothing draws kids' interest like a well-stocked IPad, so he may find that all of a sudden they want to play with him......

[EmilyK]

This is just so sad. I'm sorry.

 

I do think their ages matter. My much older cousins weren't particularly close to me when I was young, but now we are. This sounds like something else however.

 

I do think it is reasonable -- especially when there are play problems -- to include your son in the adult conversation and not have him go off with cousins. I think playing in someone's room is kind of last choice even in better circumstances than these -- more of a space invasion issue with some kids.

 

I can tend to be introverted, but I have to say I would have zero desire to have a family get-together with as much drama and rejection as this. So skipping it and planning something fun with my nuclear family would be my instinct.

 

Is this your husband's sister? How do his conversations with her go on this subject? Does he feel an obligation to be with her on the holiday because of the separation?

 

My mother-in-law gave me some great advice this last weekend that she got from her mother. She said not to do the same thing every year, let alone every holiday. She was talking more about deaths in the family, and similar issues, when kids can't imagine Christmas without being at Nana's, for example. But it could apply here. This might be a good time to mix it up and try different things until you find something that works for you and yours.

[Lisbeth]

I would skip it and chalk it up to oil and water not mixing. I would put my son before the wider family unity, honestly, because they all have each other on that level, but my children only have me to be there for them. I wouldn't want every childhood memory of this holiday to be one of isolation and rejection. Nope. You can't force other kids to accept a child wholeheartedly, but I would not put up with total exclusion in my house (the SIL should not tolerate that behavior.). Ages do matter here; the older they are, the more they should know better. I would make it a pleasant holiday for my children and let the others fend for themselves. I especially don't mind hurting an adult's feelings if I can spare a child's. I don't care at all about extended family drama!

[bettyandbob]

Years ago my dh's sister used to invite us over regularly. Everytime we went her kids wouldn't play with my oldest. In fact they slammed doors in his face. He was 3 and really looked forward to playing with these cousins. I was done when SIL said to her daughter you don't have to play with him. I thought "why are we here, then" Ds had absolutely nothing to do, but feel rejected in that house. We stopped visiting. We had Thanksgiving at that house that year and that was the last holiday we ate at their house. SIL had invited a neighbor family. Her girls who were 4 and 6 had made little favors for the children of the neighbor family and themselves but not their own cousin, so ds was sitting at the kid's table and was the only kid without a little favor. Was he really not going to notice?!

 

14 years later my kids know the cousins on my side of the family well. They know dh sister's kids a bit. Since SIL lives 45 away we will stop by for an hour on a holiday, but no more than that. I heard from MIL all those years ago that SIL was sorry, but she never said it to me and she never tried to do anything to integrate ds when visited.

 

I know your SIL is going through a stressful time, but I wouldn't expose your ds to the rejection. If you live nearby, maybe your dh can make a quick visit, but don't put your ds through that.

[meggie]

I'm so sorry. It's just so sad. :grouphug: I would bring the Ipad and let him sit next to you while he uses it. If it attracts the attention of the other kids, I personally wouldn't let them all use it; not to be spiteful, but because I'd be worried about fighting over it and it getting broken.

[teamturner]

I'd say that given the separation, this family is in some turmoil and they just don't hae the perspective needed to see your point of view.

 

I would not go there. I would instead invite them to your house for a nice family meal and an hour or two of fellowship. I'd make your son's room off limits to everyone and instead, plan a group activity...a fun family movie, a nature hike, walk to the park, drive to see the Christmas lights, etc. something that keeps everyone together so your son gets to be with his cousins, but the pressure is off of them to handle something emotionally that they clearly aren't handling well.

 

Faith

 

:iagree: I was going to suggest you host it at your house this year. You haven't stated the ages of the cousins, but a group project or craft activity, movie night, seeing Christmas lights is the way I would go. I would NOT make his room off limits but rather model for the cousins how to be a gracious host.

[Greenmama2]

Why not have a family Christmas with just your immediate family (you, husband, kids) and then go over there just for a family meal? Then your son could see everyone without having to deal with other issues.

 

:iagree: the meal and just the meal. No hang out time.

[lmrich]

Invite them to your house for a dessert only and gift exchange. Then quickly go caroling or sled riding. Make it quick and organized. Some kids don't get along. I think these kids are trying to control whatever they can while their life is spinning out of control. and they have discovered that they can control your son. Sad. all the way around.

 

Make it quick, make it simple and have an exit strategy.

[Wheres Toto]

I'm so sorry. It's just so sad. :grouphug: I would bring the Ipad and let him sit next to you while he uses it. If it attracts the attention of the other kids, I personally wouldn't let them all use it; not to be spiteful, but because I'd be worried about fighting over it and it getting broken.

 

:iagree: But I would also stop these visits before your son starts really understanding what is going on and I would like to know how old the other kids are. That can definitely make a difference in how it should be handled.

 

I understand kids may have special things that they don't want to share but I don't think that should include every toy they own. SIL should ask them to pick out a few things that they are okay with sharing and tell them that they all play together in a common area, not a bedroom, before you arrive.

[Abeth78]

As a child who was excluded and treated badly by kids just older than me. I can give you the perspective that I HATED...I don't use that word lightly...yes HATED going to those family gatherings. He will get it someday...and I am sorry but shame on your SIL. She may be going through a tough time but that teaches her children they can behave in a snotty way toward people who are not like them.

 

As an adult now, I went through a phase where I didn't even GO to family functions that related to those cousins (actually a young Aunt as well, we are 5 yrs a part). Then I realized I and my children were missing out...so we balance it now.

 

I have to agree with a few others. We

 

1. mix it up, so it doesn't seem like we MUST go here or there every year. My children enjoy the variety.

 

2. Most deffinitely invited them to you. Is there a reason why the meal must be at your SIL's house? If you and she have talked about this issue then couldn't you say. If your children must have their special things, then come here where everyone can be comfortable *cough cough your son*

 

3. If you absolutely MUST go then yes an Ipad or activity bag. This is NOT a solution when he gets older, let me tell you.

 

This exact scenario did a pretty bad number on my self esteem. Actually it still makes me sad and angry and confused when I remember back. I still don't understand why I couldn't be accepted and play with them. My head understands the reasons from an adult perspective but my inner child still cries a little. But you know this was every Christmas, Thanksgiving, and any other visit to my grandparents for most of my life (as my Aunt was the culprit and leader of this and lived with my Grandparents for most of my childhood, since we were so close in age)

 

I think this may start to sound like rambling, but rest assured your son knows something is up...don't fool yourself, and it will be even harder when he figures out why he is not treated nicely every time he goes there.

 

Which is more important, would be the question I would be asking myself? a tradition that makes my child miserable, or an alternative where my child is protected?

 

Sorry if this comes across strongly. My parents didn't know what to do either, they loved me and bolstered my self-esteem on the way home...as I got older tried to make excuses etc. They did the best they could...but honestly I wish so badly we could have just not been in the situation at all.

 

For what its' worth, this is my humble opinion.

[kalphs]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

I emphathize with you.

We are having similar issues with family.

Dh and I came to the conclusion we can not change the family and their issues. Nor do we want to expose our family to the issues.

We have chosen to celebrate the holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter etc..) in our own home.

:)

Edited November 29, 2011 by kalphs

[SweetMissMagnolia]

:iagree:

Why not have a family Christmas with just your immediate family (you, husband, kids) and then go over there just for a family meal? Then your son could see everyone without having to deal with other issues.

if thanksgiving went that way I probably wouldn't go for the full "celebration"-maybe just for desserts? but personally I probably would just start my own little family celebration......

[Cindyz]

Thank you all for the replies. I'm reading through them now. This is a painful situation for me and it took me a day to come back to this to read everything as the whole thing makes me so sad and upset.

 

My son is 7 and the other kids are 12, 10, 9, and 6. The 10 year old is the boy, and the others are girls.

 

Still reading responses. Thank you again.

 

ETA: By the way, my son is not aggressive or mean to the cousins at all. He is sometimes overly loud, and boisterous because he is SO excited and HAPPY to be there and to see them and spend time with them. He will invite them to do this or that, but they turn him down. Sometimes if he touches something of theirs and they say he is not allowed to touch it, he may continue to try to get it (all the while smiling and laughing). One thing was a plastic candy cane Christmas decoration, and another thing was a tennis racket. These weren't things that could be broken or ruined.

Edited November 29, 2011 by Cindyz

[Cindyz]

It is my husband's sister and he is completely with me and my son regarding the situation. He has his opinions (basically that her kids are spoiled brats), and he will do what makes me feel comfortable. He wanted to call his sister and explain our perspective, but I told him not to because she is really in serious turmoil over the separation. His sister is truly the most gracious, caring, loving sil I could have ever hoped for. I hate to see her hurting like this and I know that she has tried with her kids in the past. She's just not capable of doing so right now and I don't think she should be having the family gatherings considering where's she's at, but she is the type that loves to be a hostess and I think she thinks it will help to keep things normal and keep her mind off the situation. Honestly considering what a wonderful person my sil is, I can't figure out how the kids can be so opposite.

 

In addition, their father (my fil) is in the final stages of lung cancer and everyone is hurting about this as well. During the last two get togethers, he was snuggled in a chair by the fireplace with a blanket confused and in pain and the children were not allowed to play in the family room because the noise and such made him uncomfortable and irritable.

 

I've been packing new and fun things into the ipad and hiding them away in a folder so they will still be new and interesting when the day comes. I'm also going to talk with a few of the adults who I know are sympathetic about helping me to keep him involved with some adult interaction within the family.

 

These kids have no interest in board games, btw. We tried bringing several fun board games and they turned up their noses. However, I think we could find some adults who would be willing to play them with my son on Christmas. He would be perfectly content with this.

 

Thank you all for the feedback. I can't stop thinking about this and hurting over it.

[jplain]

Honestly, I think we'd just stay home. But if you decide you must go, a few ideas:

 

Does he enjoy board games or card games, especially ones that would are appropriate for kids and adults to play together? If you bring games, that might provide him with something fun to do that doesn't depend on his cousins.

 

Does he enjoy being in the kitchen? You could ask SIL how he could help, or you could even bring over food to prepare with him at her house. Yeah, that might not be convenient for your SIL, but if her kids are being bratty, too bad.

[momma aimee]

All of our holidays take place at my SIL's house. She has 4 children and for whatever reason they don't like or want to spend time with my son. My SIL tries to remedy this, but at this point it is what it is. My son is only 7 and doesn't really get their attitudes yet, but I know it's coming. He LOVES his cousins and can't wait to see them at any opportunity. They, on the other hand, could care less.

 

The last two times we were there, he was not allowed in their rooms and not allowed to touch or play with any of their toys. The second time we brought our own toys for my son to play with and of course he had hopes and plans that they would play with them along with him, but they really wanted nothing to do with the toys or with him.

 

My SIL is going through a separation and severe family issues and really isn't able to deal with the situation. She says that her kids have the right to have things that are special to them that others aren't allowed to touch or play with, however from our perspective, this is apparently everything the kids own. She also said that her son said my son went into his room and took apart his lego creation that took him hours to build. I don't believe this to be true. My son builds lego creations that take hours to build as well and once they are built they stay built. He has never taken them apart so I'm not sure why he would suddenly go to their house and take apart his legos? My inclination is to think the son is exaggerating to get traction with his mom to keep my son out of his room. Even if I consider it to be true, wouldn't it be possible to move or put away the items they don't want played with or touched without closing off everything to my son?

 

Obviously this does not make us feel welcome, but as I said, my son doesn't seem to "get" the situation. He has ADHD and possibly asperger's so this is probably why the cousins have decided to exclude him from their feelings and activities.

 

Of course my first inclination is to say that we will not be attending get togethers at their home, but this would mean that my son would not have a family Christmas celebration and I'm sure would cause a lot of drama in the family.

 

Aside from not attending the get togethers and aside from discussing the situation with the mother (tried that and major drama ensued....we all ended up leaving Thanksgiving in tears before we even had dinner because of the situation), does anyone have suggestions of things that we can do ourselves to make this situation more tolerable?

 

Thank you for reading!

 

I am a *****.

 

I'd refuse to go to SIL's for any reason.

 

I'd "out jump her" and say "hey it is our turn to have Christmas at our house this year" and keep moving holidays to our house. if SIL doesn't come, oh well no loss.

 

if that failed, I'd simply not go.

 

anyone asked I'd sayt "my son is not welcome, so we are not going"

 

Let Dh call her IF he'll call her on the carpet -- i do not care how f-ed up her seperation is -- hey maybe if she was a better parent and a better person she'd not be in that mess -- kids come first 100% of the time and NO amound of adult BS Drama is justification fvor letting her kids lie and be mean.

 

end of story -- i do not put up with ****.

 

:D

[Cindyz]

:iagree: But I would also stop these visits before your son starts really understanding what is going on and I would like to know how old the other kids are. That can definitely make a difference in how it should be handled.

 

I understand kids may have special things that they don't want to share but I don't think that should include every toy they own. SIL should ask them to pick out a few things that they are okay with sharing and tell them that they all play together in a common area, not a bedroom, before you arrive.

 

As a child who was excluded and treated badly by kids just older than me. I can give you the perspective that I HATED...I don't use that word lightly...yes HATED going to those family gatherings. He will get it someday...and I am sorry but shame on your SIL. She may be going through a tough time but that teaches her children they can behave in a snotty way toward people who are not like them.

 

As an adult now, I went through a phase where I didn't even GO to family functions that related to those cousins (actually a young Aunt as well, we are 5 yrs a part). Then I realized I and my children were missing out...so we balance it now.

 

I have to agree with a few others. We

 

1. mix it up, so it doesn't seem like we MUST go here or there every year. My children enjoy the variety.

 

2. Most deffinitely invited them to you. Is there a reason why the meal must be at your SIL's house? If you and she have talked about this issue then couldn't you say. If your children must have their special things, then come here where everyone can be comfortable *cough cough your son*

 

3. If you absolutely MUST go then yes an Ipad or activity bag. This is NOT a solution when he gets older, let me tell you.

 

This exact scenario did a pretty bad number on my self esteem. Actually it still makes me sad and angry and confused when I remember back. I still don't understand why I couldn't be accepted and play with them. My head understands the reasons from an adult perspective but my inner child still cries a little. But you know this was every Christmas, Thanksgiving, and any other visit to my grandparents for most of my life (as my Aunt was the culprit and leader of this and lived with my Grandparents for most of my childhood, since we were so close in age)

 

I think this may start to sound like rambling, but rest assured your son knows something is up...don't fool yourself, and it will be even harder when he figures out why he is not treated nicely every time he goes there.

 

Which is more important, would be the question I would be asking myself? a tradition that makes my child miserable, or an alternative where my child is protected?

 

Sorry if this comes across strongly. My parents didn't know what to do either, they loved me and bolstered my self-esteem on the way home...as I got older tried to make excuses etc. They did the best they could...but honestly I wish so badly we could have just not been in the situation at all.

 

For what its' worth, this is my humble opinion.

 

 

Thank you for these two replies too. I will have to decide what the future brings after this Christmas get together. I like the idea of inviting everyone to our house, although our house is much smaller and they basically live in a mansion. lol!

 

I worry about my son feeling rejected and bullied and with the trend lately of children committing suicide younger and younger because they feel rejected, I worry!!

 

My son is socially awkward. It's hard to explain, it's like he's almost overly social and so happy to spend time with people and make friends that it can put other kids off, and I think this will probably be an ongoing theme. He gets along with adults great! It's the kids he has a hard time relating to.

 

It just wrecks me that he has to deal with it within his own family as well.

Edited November 29, 2011 by Cindyz

[momma aimee]

Thank you for these two replies too. I will have to decide what the future brings after this Christmas get together.

 

I worry about my son feeling rejected and bullied and with the trend lately of children committing suicide younger and younger because they feel rejected, I worry!!

 

My son is socially awkward. It's hard to explain, it's like he's almost overly social and so happy to spend time with people and make friends that it can put other kids off, and I think this will probably be an ongoing theme. He gets along with adults great! It's the kids he has a hard time relating to.

 

It just wrecks me that he has to deal with it within his own family as well.

 

ITA -- I am sorry your SIL can't be the adult and see that -- it is sad when the adults are nothing but ill behaved children

[beaners]

Separation and divorce is difficult, but my parents never allowed my siblings or me to be rude because of it. It really isn't an acceptable excuse for inappropriate behavior. I'm sorry that your son has been treated poorly. I hope that whatever you end up doing, things go better for the rest of the holiday season. :grouphug:

[katilac]

It will be very hard to truly resolve when your sis has little interest in resolving it. By truly resolving it, I mean working towards a better relationship, and having her kids not act like little beasties :rolleyes:

 

This would absolutely not fly in my extended family. The point of family is that you don't choose them, lol, but work to love and appreciate them anyway. Of course not every cousin loved spending lots of time with every other cousin, but never would one child be left out like that. But that attitude really has to be family-wide to work, and you have to play the cards your dealt with.

 

If you want to be the bigger person and try to foster a better relationship, I would try shaking things up a bit. As others have noted, it's time to move some of the get-togethers to your house. It's better to be in a smaller space than to let them have home field advantage every time. Or thing of neutral ground - parks, restaurants, etc.

 

You can bring stuff like the ipad for your ds, but if you want them to play together, it's better to bring small group activities. Instant snow, cool science experiments, fun crafts - start with stuff that requires everyone to gather 'round the table and work together (or at the same time). If you have a bit of success, you might add more active things, like Nerf guns or water balloons.

 

At all points, you need to be very clear that these are NOT gifts - in other words, you are not giving them a craft kit to do later, you are doing a craft right now, and they can participate or miss out. I might even say "this is ds's, but he's happy to share with you." It's awful to have to do this, but kids who are coming from a very selfish viewpoint need to be coaxed along at times.

 

On your end, I would also make sure to supervise your son very closely, and perhaps have signals or code words to let him know it's time to calm down and dial down the noise. You might not be able to let him go off or play unsupervised with the cousins. When you live with a kid like this, you are accustomed to it, you know he has no bad intentions, and so on. Other people may not be used to it, and it can honestly be quite overwhelming for more sedate kids. Closing the door or going away might be an immature attempt to deal it. Also, if the family is in turmoil, the kids might already be at their limit, kwim?

 

In all honesty, I myself am sometimes about to lose my mind after a few hours with some of dd's more boisterous friends, lol, even though I really like them.

 

I personally think that good cousin relationships can be such a positive in the long-term that I would be willing to put a good amount of effort into it. It sounds like a lot of guidance will be needed on both sides, and it's all going to fall on you right now. If you're willing to accept that, it might really pay off in the long term.

[Mommy22alyns]

I wouldn't go. Is there a particular reason everyone goes to their house instead of rotating it?

[laundrycrisis]

 

Obviously this does not make us feel welcome, but as I said, my son doesn't seem to "get" the situation. He has ADHD and possibly asperger's so this is probably why the cousins have decided to exclude him from their feelings and activities.

 

Of course my first inclination is to say that we will not be attending get togethers at their home, but this would mean that my son would not have a family Christmas celebration and I'm sure would cause a lot of drama in the family.

 

Aside from not attending the get togethers and aside from discussing the situation with the mother (tried that and major drama ensued....we all ended up leaving Thanksgiving in tears before we even had dinner because of the situation), does anyone have suggestions of things that we can do ourselves to make this situation more tolerable?

 

Thank you for reading!

 

Goodness, I would not go anymore ! This sounds horribly toxic. Your son does not need a "family" holiday celebration with family that treats him like carp ! Staying home with his parents who are kind to him is family enough ! Seriously. We do not have any family here at all. Our holidays are just DH and I and our boys. We are a family, and it is enough.

 

My guess is that these family members will continue to treat you and your son this way for as long as you continue to show up and put up with it.

 

As for the drama ... let them stew in it. So what.

[Cindyz]

I wouldn't go. Is there a particular reason everyone goes to their house instead of rotating it?

 

 

I think it's because their house is the biggest. Their family is the biggest (easier for them). My SIL LOVES to entertain and to be honest, I don't. She is a stay at home mom with outside help (paid house cleaners, etc). I own and run my own business, home school my son full time, and it's just always seemed to be the easiest for everyone.

 

 

We have a similar situation, with one set of cousins not accepting our children. They are 2 - 4 years older, same sex. The basic problem is that the cousins were raised to be self-centered, and have no social skills whatsoever. To give you an example, as high school age teens they would rush the buffet, then get up from the Thanksgiving table and go sit by someone else if they didn't like the person who sat down next to them, making negative comments, all the while not realizing that they left no room for couples to sit next to each other. They would sic the dogs on kids younger than ten. One T-day they decided to shoot bbs, on an unsecured range that little kids could walk on to, and basically told the adults who recognized the danger to get lost, and were backed up by their mother. An uncle took pity on them later and offered them each part-time jobs and socialized them to the extent that he was able to counteract the upbringing.

 

So, if the mama isn't willing, all you can do is keep the door open. I've done that, and I did get one of the car wreck calls. What I did with my boys was bring things for them to entertain themselves, and short games that they could play with aunts & uncles. I also departed when the cousins became agressive and/or violent, even when it meant we missed the meal we came for. I have no expectation of my sons playing in another child's bedroom -- that's off limits, and the play is to be in the designated public area, so the times when the cousins disappeared into their rooms to play videogames without inviting the visitors didn't bother us. Don't sweat the things you can't change.

 

To help your son learn to approach other children appropriately, try reading Fred Frankel's books. They may be on the parenting shelf at the local library.

 

 

Thank you for the book recommendations. They look like they are exactly what I need to read right now. My son has a few good friends at a school program he attends twice a week, and he has made friends within his social group (he attends social group twice a week), but I think it's always going to be something he'll have to work at. He's kind of like that exuberant puppy that's always so happy and excited to see you and play.

[simka2]

I like many of the suggestions you have already gotten. If it is in the budget I would bring a brand new LEGO toy to build. If the cousins do not want to...fine, but if they do it is something they can all do together. :D Then your son gets the memory of building it with them, or the memory of really cool early gift that he gets to build with other loving adults. Either way a win.

[MotherMayI]

I like many of the suggestions you have already gotten. If it is in the budget I would bring a brand new LEGO toy to build. If the cousins do not want to...fine, but if they do it is something they can all do together. :D Then your son gets the memory of building it with them, or the memory of really cool early gift that he gets to build with other loving adults. Either way a win.

 

I love this idea!

[Old Dominion Heather]

Thank you all for the replies. I'm reading through them now. This is a painful situation for me and it took me a day to come back to this to read everything as the whole thing makes me so sad and upset.

 

My son is 7 and the other kids are 12, 10, 9, and 6. The 10 year old is the boy, and the others are girls.

 

Still reading responses. Thank you again.

 

ETA: By the way, my son is not aggressive or mean to the cousins at all. He is sometimes overly loud, and boisterous because he is SO excited and HAPPY to be there and to see them and spend time with them. He will invite them to do this or that, but they turn him down. Sometimes if he touches something of theirs and they say he is not allowed to touch it, he may continue to try to get it (all the while smiling and laughing). One thing was a plastic candy cane Christmas decoration, and another thing was a tennis racket. These weren't things that could be broken or ruined.

 

Given the age differences and the loud, boisterous, and and continuing to try to touch stuff, I think that one problem you face is that he is a younger acting seven year old, while the 10 yo is probably an older acting 10. I don't think it is realistic for the 10yo to want to play with your little guy. My kids would probably play with a kid who was three years younger, but I would have to tell them that they had to play with him. Three years is a huge age gap when you are a little kid.

 

The others are girls... I think that there you have a whole other issue. Unless the sisters regularly play with their brother, I would think that that dynamic would need to be parent led as well.

 

My boys have cousins who are: 8yo girl, 6 yo boy, 4yo boy, and 1yo girl.

 

They see them only on holidays and really the only one who plays with them is my 6yo son. My 12 and 9yo are into different things, and the cousins are very much still little kids. They are polite, but they DO put up stuff that they don't want messed with and I tell them that it is fine to do that. If they feel like one of the cousins is not respecting their wishes, they tend to try to stay away, even if it might be a seemingly unimportant thing.

 

Most kids like to play games with adults... have you considered playing something with them to help control the situation?

[Cindyz]

I like many of the suggestions you have already gotten. If it is in the budget I would bring a brand new LEGO toy to build. If the cousins do not want to...fine, but if they do it is something they can all do together. :D Then your son gets the memory of building it with them, or the memory of really cool early gift that he gets to build with other loving adults. Either way a win.

 

Ooh! I love this idea.

 

Given the age differences and the loud, boisterous, and and continuing to try to touch stuff, I think that one problem you face is that he is a younger acting seven year old, while the 10 yo is probably an older acting 10. I don't think it is realistic for the 10yo to want to play with your little guy. My kids would probably play with a kid who was three years younger, but I would have to tell them that they had to play with him. Three years is a huge age gap when you are a little kid.

 

The others are girls... I think that there you have a whole other issue. Unless the sisters regularly play with their brother, I would think that that dynamic would need to be parent led as well.

 

My boys have cousins who are: 8yo girl, 6 yo boy, 4yo boy, and 1yo girl.

 

They see them only on holidays and really the only one who plays with them is my 6yo son. My 12 and 9yo are into different things, and the cousins are very much still little kids. They are polite, but they DO put up stuff that they don't want messed with and I tell them that it is fine to do that. If they feel like one of the cousins is not respecting their wishes, they tend to try to stay away, even if it might be a seemingly unimportant thing.

 

Most kids like to play games with adults... have you considered playing something with them to help control the situation?

 

Objectively I agree with you, but I don't think they should outright ignore him, you know what I mean?

 

When we were leaving Thanksgiving and my son was in tears and begged to go back inside to say good bye to his cousins, they refused to say good bye. We walked out with him crying harder and saying he wanted to say good bye and I told him that he did say good bye and I couldn't force a response from them. It was really bad.

[Impish]

I'd say that given the separation, this family is in some turmoil and they just don't hae the perspective needed to see your point of view.

 

I would not go there. I would instead invite them to your house for a nice family meal and an hour or two of fellowship. I'd make your son's room off limits to everyone and instead, plan a group activity...a fun family movie, a nature hike, walk to the park, drive to see the Christmas lights, etc. something that keeps everyone together so your son gets to be with his cousins, but the pressure is off of them to handle something emotionally that they clearly aren't handling well.

 

Faith

:iagree:

Given the age differences and the loud, boisterous, and and continuing to try to touch stuff, I think that one problem you face is that he is a younger acting seven year old, while the 10 yo is probably an older acting 10. I don't think it is realistic for the 10yo to want to play with your little guy. My kids would probably play with a kid who was three years younger, but I would have to tell them that they had to play with him. Three years is a huge age gap when you are a little kid.

 

The others are girls... I think that there you have a whole other issue. Unless the sisters regularly play with their brother, I would think that that dynamic would need to be parent led as well.

:iagree:

Objectively I agree with you, but I don't think they should outright ignore him, you know what I mean?

 

When we were leaving Thanksgiving and my son was in tears and begged to go back inside to say good bye to his cousins, they refused to say good bye. We walked out with him crying harder and saying he wanted to say good bye and I told him that he did say good bye and I couldn't force a response from them. It was really bad.

Given his latest info, WHY exactly are you even considering a repeat? If the very basic in manners aren't being enforced there, why bother?

[Starr]

A large family always wins. If the kids have decided not to accept him he doesn't have a chance. :(

[Old Dominion Heather]

Ooh! I love this idea.

 

 

 

Objectively I agree with you, but I don't think they should outright ignore him, you know what I mean?

 

When we were leaving Thanksgiving and my son was in tears and begged to go back inside to say good bye to his cousins, they refused to say good bye. We walked out with him crying harder and saying he wanted to say good bye and I told him that he did say good bye and I couldn't force a response from them. It was really bad.

 

Given this, you need to either host or NOT GO. He needs you to protect him from this until he is old enough to protect himself from this sort of hurt. I think if these kids were not family, there would be no question in your mind about the right thing to do. You need to not go. Distract him, do something fun with another family, something, but I would NOT put him in that situation again until he can defend himself emotionally.

Edited November 30, 2011 by Old Dominion Heather

[Pink Fairy]

"His sister is truly the most gracious, caring, loving sil I could have ever hoped for."

 

This is not how I would describe a mother who allowed her children to be so mean and heartless to my child. She's emotionally able to host two large family gatherings during the holidays, but she can't keep her kids from being cruel to their own cousin in front of the adults? I don't think that is gracious or loving behavior at all, and I wouldn't tolerate it.

[Anne in CA]

Given all that you have said I really would not chance it, even with the ipad. Kids in turmoil often like to spread their pain around and bully others. They are more likely to be unhappy this year than they have been, and it is probably tempting fate to hope they will allow him to just sit nicely and have a good time with the adults. They will probably up the ante by seeing what they can do to make sure he knows he is excluded.

 

This is probably not your SIL's fault at all, kids can get a very nasty group dynamic going that is nearly impossible to over come. Some groups of kids MUST exclude some one to be a group. This may not be your son's fault at all, it may be an important part of how the girls function as a group.