SailorMom Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 I would only go for dinner and leave almost immediately following the food.... When he gets a bit older/more mature - I'll be the cousins will be more inclined. Girls are tough, and a 3 year difference at that age is huge!!! Think about a 4th grader playing with a 1st or 2nd grader .... huge. Now - obviously the cousins should be made to socialize by their mom - but if that sin't happening, then there really isn't anything you can do at this point. I do like the lego kit idea :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meggie Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 Given this, you need to either host or NOT GO. He needs you to protect him from this until he is old enough to protect himself from this sort of hurt. I think if these kids were not family, there would be no question in your mind about the right thing to do. You need to not go. Distract him, do something fun with another family, something, but I would NOT put him in that situation again until he can defend himself emotionally. :iagree:I so agree. I'm so sorry. I know this hurts, but please don't make him go through that again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angela in ohio Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 "His sister is truly the most gracious, caring, loving sil I could have ever hoped for." This is not how I would describe a mother who allowed her children to be so mean and heartless to my child. She's emotionally able to host two large family gatherings during the holidays, but she can't keep her kids from being cruel to their own cousin in front of the adults? I don't think that is gracious or loving behavior at all, and I wouldn't tolerate it. Yep, apples and trees, you know. Some women act very nice, but their dc are mean-spirited and you get to see what mom is really like deep down. I wouldn't push it with her, as I'd be afraid of getting in her way. If your ds has a diagnosis of ADHD and Aspergers, is he getting some type of therapy regularly? Have they taught him skills for handling himself during situations like this (playing with the cousins or other children, not the nastiness)? When we are in a situation where my dc will not benefit in any way from the children in a household, I just keep them nearby and have them bring something to do. This includes holiday parties where their cousin just plays violent video games and ignores them the whole time. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
akmommy Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 Separation and divorce is difficult, but my parents never allowed my siblings or me to be rude because of it. It really isn't an acceptable excuse for inappropriate behavior. I'm sorry that your son has been treated poorly. I hope that whatever you end up doing, things go better for the rest of the holiday season. :grouphug: :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myeightkiddies Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 Your son needs someone to stand-up for him, and you are it. It will affect him more and more with time. If your sister-in-law is truly the most gracious, caring, and loving person, she'd be more sensitive and accommodating to your son and not want him to feel uncomfortable, rejected, or ignored. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 We visited cousins several years ago and they went into their rooms when we arrived and never came out. :D My dc are so turned off... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zaichiki Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 I think we, who do not know SIL, should accept the OP's description of her. She would know better than we would. If OP says SIL is caring, loving, etc., why argue with her? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Myeightkiddies Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 I think we, who do not know SIL, should accept the OP's description of her. She would know better than we would. If OP says SIL is caring, loving, etc., why argue with her? You're right. I'll rephrase my statement above (If your sister-in-law is truly the most gracious, caring, and loving person, she'd be more sensitive and accommodating to your son and not want him to feel uncomfortable, rejected, or ignored. ): I'm surprised that your sister-in-law, who is most gracious, caring, and loving, is not sensitive and accommodating to your son - not wanting him to feel uncomfortable, rejected, or ignored. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abeth78 Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 You're right. I'll rephrase my statement above (If your sister-in-law is truly the most gracious, caring, and loving person, she'd be more sensitive and accommodating to your son and not want him to feel uncomfortable, rejected, or ignored. ): I'm surprised that your sister-in-law, who is most gracious, caring, and loving, is not sensitive and accommodating to your son - not wanting him to feel uncomfortable, rejected, or ignored. The difficulty here is sometimes mothers come off caring and kind... yet they are not able to handle their kids and in the end it is a passive-aggressive kind of thing. No doubt she is tired and run down from a difficult divorce. That does not change that any "mother" should be horrified if their children ever spoke or treated a child so badly that they would not say "goodbye" to their cousin. It is only good manners (not even kindness) that when you host a holiday event everyone is courteous. So caring and kind she may be, but she may also be very passive-aggressive and just allow this. Two very different things. When you spoke of how he left crying, it broke my heart. I am telling you if he is reacting that way now...it will only be worse even if as he grows he is more quiet about the treatment (boys often hit an age where they go inside and don't express quite like they do when their young) That is so worrisome. It is quite clear it is truly affecting him deeply. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 Some women act very nice, but their dc are mean-spirited and you get to see what mom is really like deep down. Thin ice, IMO, thin ice. "Parents of one child believe in environment; parents of two children believe in heredity." There is more to children than what one parent is, psychologically, deep down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 Why are we blaming Mom? She is going through a difficult divorce. Maybe the kids learned their style from Dad? Or their school culture? Maybe mom doesn't do conflict well or blames herself for the turmoil her kids are currently experiencing and is trying not to rock the boat in her immediate family. I'm not excusing the behavior and I wouldn't allow it to continue, but a sweet and kind disposition doesn't automatically equate with the ability to handle conflict well. In fact, it often goes hand in hand with conflict avoidance. Barb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 Why are we blaming Mom? She is going through a difficult divorce. Maybe the kids learned their style from Dad? Or their school culture? Maybe mom doesn't do conflict well or blames herself for the turmoil her kids are currently experiencing and is trying not to rock the boat in her immediate family. I'm not excusing the behavior and I wouldn't allow it to continue, but a sweet and kind disposition doesn't automatically equate with the ability to handle conflict well. In fact, it often goes hand in hand with conflict avoidance. Barb :iagree: I wouldn't want to make a big deal about this or even name the problem this year, because the family is going through so much already. However, I wouldn't do this to my son even one more time. I'd make plans of some kind that would make the usual schedule totally impossible but leave time to get together for dessert. Do a fly-by, meet-and-greet, short-and-sweet, and go on home and be happy. You can join the ranks of the rest of us who schedule family visits to be non-negotiable but short. If people start whining about breaking tradition, just tell them that you're sorry but you really want to do (whatever) this year. And remind them that you'll swing by for dessert. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 I'd like to cast my vote in the column that says that you should stay home and make your own Christmas traditions." You and your dh can "surprise" your ds with a new and exciting thing that you'll be doing as a family instead of going to your SIL's house. It could be something as simple as a special family dinner with everyone's favorite foods, or an extra family gift that is opened right after dinner and is some sort of game that you can all play together. There are so many options, and realistically, your ds may be secretly quite relieved at not having to go to your SIL's house. It's very clear from your posts that you don't want your ds to be upset, so why not just skip the get-together at your SIL's house and avoid the problem. Do you really want your ds crying on the way home on Christmas? It's so obvious that you are a great mom and want what's best for him, so have your dh call his sister and graciously decline this year's invitation. I can pretty much guarantee that you'll enjoy the holidays a lot more than if you have the worry of the SIL's house visit hanging over your head. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5kidsforME Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 Ooh! I love this idea. Objectively I agree with you, but I don't think they should outright ignore him, you know what I mean? When we were leaving Thanksgiving and my son was in tears and begged to go back inside to say good bye to his cousins, they refused to say good bye. We walked out with him crying harder and saying he wanted to say good bye and I told him that he did say good bye and I couldn't force a response from them. It was really bad. I think the bolded is an example of how you are showing your son that he has no control. You are also showing him that, yes, you see that he is in pain in this situation and he may see how you have done nothing for him. You have given your control to these unkind children. Time to take control mom. Don't go. Show your son that yes people (even family) are mean, and therefore you can choose not to be around them. I am afraid that if you don't, your son will be set up for a lifetime of people pleasing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 Maybe it's the year for a trip to Disney. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom4him Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 For what it's worth, I don't let other kids go down into my kids rooms. Really my kids spend very little awake time in their rooms. We live in the living/dining area of our home. If we have children coming and my children have something special that they do not want as public property they have to take it to their room for that period but the rest of the toys are there for everyone to play with. I would not allow my son to go into the bedrooms. As some pp said include everyone in a game, movie or what ever. It that doesn't work this year I would then make the decision that we simply would not be a part of that family celebration. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jhschool Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 They don't sound like very nice kids. Even if they are family. You don't want your kid to always be chasing them and want to be with them. It is not good for his self-esteem to always want them and to always be rejected. Just don't go. Have a nice immediate family Christmas where you make him feel Super Special! Just the Way he Is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocketgirl Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 Wow, I relate. We just had our 1st thanksgiving in 10 years, away with other family and it was so good, now will have our first christmas away too, although with just us. Our kids are used to a big christmas eve with cousins and won't do that this year. But that's ok with me. We also have a cousin 'problem'. One that although we love him very much, we don't leave our kids to play with. If you aren't comfortable, its not a holiday...make your own traditions if you need to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 Can you move the whole show to your house where you have a little more control over who goes into what room, etc? Your son could have his own toys nearby and the cousins would have to find something to entertain them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momma aimee Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 I think we, who do not know SIL, should accept the OP's description of her. She would know better than we would. If OP says SIL is caring, loving, etc., why argue with her? because actions speak louder then words -- if the SIL allows her children to lie (about legos being broken) and be mean to a cosion -- this she is NOT loving and kind or .... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momma aimee Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 Why are we blaming Mom? She is going through a difficult divorce. Maybe the kids learned their style from Dad? Or their school culture? Maybe mom doesn't do conflict well or blames herself for the turmoil her kids are currently experiencing and is trying not to rock the boat in her immediate family. I'm not excusing the behavior and I wouldn't allow it to continue, but a sweet and kind disposition doesn't automatically equate with the ability to handle conflict well. In fact, it often goes hand in hand with conflict avoidance. Barb bnecause 1. divoce is no excuse 2. so they learned the bad behavior at school, or from dad ... it is STILL mom's job to NOT allow it and to enforce the expectation that the children will be NICE to their younger cousion mom is allowing the bad behavior, no matter where it came from, thus mom is at fault Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FriedClams Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 While not as severe as what you have to deal with some of my family is very similar. It's extremely hurtful. I confronted it once. Things changed for a day. Then, back to normal. Now I see that it's pointless to confront - so I take a very different approach... In our case, since our visits are nearly unavoidable, I plan fun things for my kids to do with the complete and total expectation that we will be blown off my family. I am also ALWAYS available to play with the kids and if they need a playmate. [Normally, I enjoy my adult time, but there was a time in the past year when my kid was getting ignored by a friend and I chose adult time over my kid and I wasn't proactive enough in going to play and hang out with my kid when they were getting the cold shoulder. I won't ever do that again.] I plan fun times out, a walk in the neighborhood, day trips (if we have to stay overnight), pack special fun games for them, etc. I also brief my kids (with as much sincerity as I can muster) that our cousins are really busy and while I know they want to spend time with us, their schedules are nuts, so being less of a priority is not something we should take personally. Some day the kids will figure it out, maybe. Until then, I will spin it all in a good light and be as encouraging as possible. I'd rather they grow up with sweet memories than my bitterness or irritation over the whole thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 (edited) time with my son. My SIL tries to remedy this, but at this point it is what it is. So, SIL does try to remedy the problem. The last two times we were there, he was not allowed in their rooms and not allowed to touch or play with any of their toys. She says that her kids have the right to have things that are special to them that others aren't allowed to touch or play with, however from our perspective, this is apparently everything the kids own. Or maybe she's not trying to remedy the problem! Obviously this does not make us feel welcome, but as I said, my son doesn't seem to "get" the situation. He has ADHD and possibly asperger's so this is probably why the cousins have decided to exclude him from their feelings and activities. People with ADHD and Aspergers can be very, very difficult to get along with and can be very draining. My son and husband have ADHD and my father has Aspergers. I can be totally exhausted from dealing with my own beloved family. I would imagine the cousins feel the same, yet they are children and don't know how to handle it with any grace. Aside from not attending the get togethers and aside from discussing the situation with the mother (tried that and major drama ensued....we all ended up leaving Thanksgiving in tears before we even had dinner because of the situation), does anyone have suggestions of things that we can do ourselves to make this situation more tolerable? Left in tears? What on earth happened? My son is 7 and the other kids are 12, 10, 9, and 6. The 10 year old is the boy, and the others are girls. This wouldn't be a good mix. If the 9 and 6 yo were boys, it might work. The only other boy is 3 years older and will be on a completely different level from your 7 yo. Unless the girls are tomboyish, or unless your son is ok with playing "girl" games, I can see where they would NOT play well together. ETA: By the way, my son is not aggressive or mean to the cousins at all. He is sometimes overly loud, and boisterous because he is SO excited and HAPPY to be there and to see them and spend time with them. He will invite them to do this or that, but they turn him down. Sometimes if he touches something of theirs and they say he is not allowed to touch it, he may continue to try to get it (all the while smiling and laughing). One thing was a plastic candy cane Christmas decoration, and another thing was a tennis racket. These weren't things that could be broken or ruined. Sorry to be blunt, but that is very irritating behavior. It doesn't matter whether or not the thing could be broken. To have a child grabbing at something and laughing about it is annoying. And being loud and boisterous, even when you're happy, is overwhelming and not cool to many people. You do see that when someone says, "Please don't touch that," and your son continues to touch it and LAUGHS while he does it, that it can totally frustrate or even enrage a child if s/he asked him to stop touching? His sister is truly the most gracious, caring, loving sil I could have ever hoped for. I hate to see her hurting like this and I know that she has tried with her kids in the past. She's just not capable of doing so right now and I don't think she should be having the family gatherings considering where's she's at, but she is the type that loves to be a hostess and I think she thinks it will help to keep things normal and keep her mind off the situation. Honestly considering what a wonderful person my sil is, I can't figure out how the kids can be so opposite. Ok, so now SIL is back to wanting to help remedy the situation... My son is socially awkward. It's hard to explain, it's like he's almost overly social and so happy to spend time with people and make friends that it can put other kids off, and I think this will probably be an ongoing theme. He gets along with adults great! It's the kids he has a hard time relating to. It just wrecks me that he has to deal with it within his own family as well. I think it's always going to be something he'll have to work at. He's kind of like that exuberant puppy that's always so happy and excited to see you and play. Final words: I teach a preschool class at church. My friend's son is in my class. He's 4. He's also very boisterous and excited. He does NOT listen to the other children when they ask him to leave their toys alone. He is completely in their personal space. The other children find him difficult. They're only small children as well and they come to me constantly. "B took my toy again and won't give it back!" "B bumped into me on purpose!" "B did this, B did that." He overwhelms the other children. A week ago B's mom came to me and said, "I just got back from a meeting with B's teacher at school. She said that he has trouble making friends. I don't understand this. He just loooooves people. He is sooo loving! And he comes home and tells us all about his friends at school. But the teacher says that he doesn't have any friends. What's he like in your class?" Oooooh boy. I told her that yes, B was loving and affectionate, but that he overwhelms the other children. It's too much for them. When you describe your son as boisterous and happy and puppyish, and not listening to other children's boundaries...it reminds me of B. Your son may need to learn how not to cross other people's boundaries. Your SIL's children could be completely overwhelmed by your little one and need somewhere to get away from him to re-energize, if he's draining them. We also have a family who is friends of ours. Their youngest son breaks something EVERY SINGLE time he comes to our house. My children dread when he comes to visit, because they never know which one of their toys will be ruined when he leaves. He also doesn't listen when you ask him, "Please don't touch that." We have to put up many, many toys before he comes to visit, and I try to keep the visits short, because my kids can't handle his destruction for too long. They come to me and ask, "Can N go home now? Can I go to my room until N leaves? Do I have to keep playing with N?" N's parent try to reign him in, but it's tough. (He's 5.) It's a delicate balance, teaching my kids to play with N even when he's overwhelming, and also protecting my own kids from the stress of dealing with a rowdy, destructive guest. Edited December 1, 2011 by Garga Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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