We are all overprotective......

[EmmaNZ]

Horrid weekend with my folks. According to my dad if you homeschool you are being overprotective - because you need to have bad experiences at school so that you learn how to deal with them in later life. Because clearly being bullied as a 7 year old makes you able to deal with a bully at 33.

 

And just in case you wondered - my children are doing well academically, socially, emotionally etc etc IN SPITE of me! They would be doing even better if they were at school.

 

:mad:

[Molly]

Hugs. It is so hard not having the support of your own parents. Don't let him knock you down. Take pride in what you are doing, knowing you are doing the best for your children.

[StephanieF]

That's what a lot of people have said to me too. No one every queries my ability to teach only that ds8 needs to be bullied so he can get on in life!

 

Perhaps I could include a session of bullying at lunch time. I could knock him about a bit and say we've covered that on the curriculum!

Would these people be happy then? Job done?

 

Makes you wonder doesn't it at how people have been forced to believe stupid things because they have been normalised.

Stephanie

[Lucy in Australia]

Oh, yuck. I'm sorry - it's so hard to have to listen to that from your own flesh & blood. If it's any consolation, they often come around, years later :glare:, when they see the fruits of your labour, so to speak. Unfortunately that sometimes takes till the kids are teens. :grouphug: to you

[creekland]

Interesting how I'm reading this the same week I watched a news show about how a 10 year old killed herself over bullying at school. She had asked her mom if she could be homeschooled, but was told, no. She had tried all the anti-bullying techniques given her by her school and mom, but they didn't work.

 

I guess it's better to add it into your curriculum as a pp suggested. That way at least when you teach the anti-bullying techniques you can be certain they are effective. Otherwise it appears that true bullies don't realize they are supposed to respond in a different fashion to those techniques.

[Margo out of lurking]

..

[EmmaNZ]

It's so frustrating isn't it? I mean, the arguments used don't have a shred of logic.

 

What makes it worse is that this is my dad who has chosen to have nothing to do with us for the past 8 years, for reasons known only unto him. Now for some reason he decides it's time to be all pally-pally with us and lecture me about how I choose to raise my children. I feel like it's none of his business, when for all this time he didn't care two hoots about what happened to me or the children.

 

He has recently become a counsellor, and I think he is trying to use his new found skills to psychoanalyse us all. I get the feeling we're his guinea pigs.

 

Can you tell I'm cross??!!

[jelbe5]

:grouphug:

 

While on vacation this summer my Dad felt led to tell me how we should put our autistic son in school. I had to politely tell him our educational decisions were our personal choice and not up for discussion. It may be time for such a talk for you and your family.:grouphug:

 

I was tormented in grade school and I don't believe it helped me know how to deal with others more effectively. Also, I never met a bully in the adult workplace. Difficult people, yes, but never anyone I would call a bully. I am sure they exist, but I am guessing that it is not as commen a dynamic as the one found in school . . .

[antsam]

:grouphug:

 

Unfortunately, I'll bet this is going to be a common topic this week with all of the family around. I tend to not try to justify our decision with whomever is giving me their opinion. Like someone else quoted earlier this week (from Madagascar): "Just smile and wave, boys. Just smile and wave." -- it's my new motto!

 

Jodie

[Mrs Mungo]

Pass the bean dip. You won't change the minds of people like this. :grouphug:

[bettyandbob]

Horrid weekend with my folks. According to my dad if you homeschool you are being overprotective - because you need to have bad experiences at school so that you learn how to deal with them in later life. Because clearly being bullied as a 7 year old makes you able to deal with a bully at 33.

 

:mad:

 

 

Often persons who are bullied as children have more trouble with bullies as adults. Many persons who are victims as children never build the self esteem they need to deal with bullies as adults. Ask me how I know...

[kwg]

I've always wanted to respond to this by saying "yes I agree that is an important part of growing up. I am keeping my eye out for a sale on lockers so dh and I can shove him in it every so often" :lol: Or something about stealing his money for the ice cream truck. Just every time I even think of doing it I start to laugh so I know I couldn't get away with it.

 

 

I have asked why they think bullies only show up at schools. My children have dealt with it on playgrounds, in classes, etc. It isn't like b/c we homeschool we are home all the time or they are around me all the time (drop off classes). I mean the same bullies go out on the weekends, or after school and do sports. We live in the same world after all..lol.

Edited November 21, 2011 by kwg

[iquilt]

Pass the bean dip.... I am thankful that I this holiday will be spent in the company of my Grannie. Not only is it cool that she is having us over for dinner, she also thinks it is kind of cool that we homeschool. She has always been a bit of a rebel and she sees how our kids are doing.

[FO4UR]

Pass the bean dip. You won't change the minds of people like this. :grouphug:

 

 

:iagree:

 

 

This is a very common thing to say, actually. Just b/c it's common doesn't make it true.

 

We've dealt with the bully issue on the playground plenty. Atleast I am right there, seeing and hearing exactly what happens...and able to pull my kids out of the situation when need be and role play how to handle these things better next time. And, surprisingly, *my* kids are NOT always the meek victim in these scenarios.:001_huh::lol:

 

You can tell a child to stop when a person says stop...but it takes the world ending (or atleast that game of tag) for it to sink in that "stop" *really* means "STOP!" There is no possible way that a teacher can supervise 25 kids at this level for the entire day. Yet, this is what it takes to teach kids to treat each other with kindness.

 

As far as your family goes, set some firm boundaries (Dc's education is our responsibility.) and just.don't.humor.that.conversation! If you are pushed into that conversation, note the irony....being bullied into letting your child get bullied...smile, walk away, and walk away every time.

:grouphug:

 

It only took until my oldest was 3rd grade (this year) for my side of the family to settle in with the idea of our HSing. Dh's side disagrees, I think, but has the healthy attitude that these kids are "our blessings" and not theirs. I'm lucky, I know. But I did have some interesting conversations a couple years ago...

[JVA]

I finally had the "we are not discussing homeschooling," period, talk with my dad this year. I understand; it's intimidating.

 

:grouphug:

 

 

Take it from an old homeschool mom (24 years), don't wait years to give this message to those who need it. Avoid the drama, hassle and hurt and give it early on to folks who need to be told to mind their own business. Like my mother. Like my best-friend's mom. It can be said respectfully and you can talk about other things but there is NO NEED to be assailed by negativity and criticism. You don't need it and your kiddos don't need it. Hang in there. You're doing the right thing for your family.

[MamaSheep]

Horrid weekend with my folks. According to my dad if you homeschool you are being overprotective - because you need to have bad experiences at school so that you learn how to deal with them in later life. Because clearly being bullied as a 7 year old makes you able to deal with a bully at 33.

 

And just in case you wondered - my children are doing well academically, socially, emotionally etc etc IN SPITE of me! They would be doing even better if they were at school.

 

:mad:

 

Sounds like he's giving you some practice standing up to a bully. Did you learn your anti-bully skills at school? If so, practice them on him. If not....well, maybe it wouldn't hurt to point that out.

 

How would you want your kids to deal with someone who tried to pressure them into doing something they feel strongly they shouldn't do? This is a great time to model that behavior for them and give them a "real life" lesson on how to stand up for themselves against peer pressure. Or at least try out some things yourself so you know which "techniques" are most effective when you do need to teach your kids. :)

[k2bdeutmeyer]

If I only had a quarter for every time I've heard that!!!

[Parker Martin]

A conversation from the past.

 

"But what do you think will better prepare them for the real world?"

"Homeschooling, obviously."

"WHAT?!"

"How is being made to sit in an institution all day with people your exact same age, all doing the exact same thing anything like real life?"

[ChemMommy]

My standard response is that I take them into the bathroom once a week and beat them up for their lunch money!

 

Socialization: check! NOT

 

 

I don't want my kids to think that bully behavior is the norm and that it should be tolerated. I LIKE it when my kid are shocked at behaviors of other teens.

[Tress]

Horrid weekend with my folks. According to my dad if you homeschool you are being overprotective - because you need to have bad experiences at school so that you learn how to deal with them in later life. Because clearly being bullied as a 7 year old makes you able to deal with a bully at 33.

 

And just in case you wondered - my children are doing well academically, socially, emotionally etc etc IN SPITE of me! They would be doing even better if they were at school.

 

:mad:

 

My parents exactly, right down to the 'in spite of me' comment :glare:.

 

:grouphug:

[leeannpal]

I'm so sorry that your family is ignorant-because that is what it is. You have made the right choice for your family. :grouphug:

[Kathleen in VA]

Pass the bean dip. You won't change the minds of people like this. :grouphug:

 

:iagree:

 

I have a couple of stock answers to these kinds of comments:

 

"You think that if it gives you comfort." (from Pride and Prejudice)

 

"Yes, well..." (from The Sound of Music )

 

"I'm quite sure that's not any of your business - (from a movie but can't remember which one.)

 

All of these are said very matter-of-factly and with a sweet smile.:D

 

The idea is to just skim over the comment as if it were a hiccup in the conversation and go on with life. Mrs. Mungo is right - these people never change. You know you are doing what's best for your children, so just stay confident and don't let him rile you.

[PiCO]

...because you need to have bad experiences at school so that you learn how to deal with them in later life. Because clearly being bullied as a 7 year old makes you able to deal with a bully at 33.

 

Um- no. Adults who are bullied at work can look for another job, or another department or location to work in. Children in school don't have that option.

 

And bullying doesn't just affect the kids being bullied (although they have it the worst, obviously.) The other kids will be horrified by the actions of the bully, but they don't know what to do because they don't want the bully to turn on them. Yet they still wonder why no one will stand up to the bully. And then the kids start growing up, and feel guilty about it.

 

I was bullied when I was a young teen on my gymnastics team. I have been told by two of the non-bullies that they always regretted not standing up to the bully for me. I hear this bully is a "nicer person" now... and after reading the book Queen Bees and Wanna-bees, I do think that's possible. But if I ever meet her as an adult, I will snub her. Took me a long time to get past it, it's not worth it to me to rehash it.

[JennyD]

this is my dad who has chosen to have nothing to do with us for the past 8 years

 

Ah, guilt. Such a powerful force, and so spectacularly unpleasant for everyone else sometimes.

 

This is about him, not you, and definitely not your kids. So sorry that you're having to deal with this nonsense. :grouphug::grouphug:

Edited November 21, 2011 by JennyD

[kandty]

 

I was tormented in grade school and I don't believe it helped me know how to deal with others more effectively.

 

:iagree: I actually blame my somewhat lack of social skills from having to try and deal with rude people when I was in school.

 

And being involved in activities with public school children, may kids have received a "wonderful" introduction into the weird social network of public school kids "anti-social" behavior.

[Anne in CA]

If it makes you feel better you can tell him you turned out fine in spite of him, lol.:lol:

 

My experience is that my teens have been considered to be great kids by most people and the majority of people refuse to face the reality that my teens are good because they are well supervised and I enforce boundaries with them. They are also not over indulged. Most people feel that my teenage kids are good because I was "lucky" enough to get good teenagers. This is not just your dad, other people probably feel the same way too, but that doesn't make them right.

[justasque]

I take a completely different approach. I know that these comments come from a place of love and concern for my children. I want these people in my kids' life. I want their wisdom, even though it sometimes is irritating. I want to treat them with respect. I try not to take it as personal criticism when they have questions or concerns or don't agree with me; that way I can address it calmly, without feeling attacked.

 

So I start by acknowledging their feelings, then try to be as honest as I can about why I'm doing what I'm doing. I try to admit where it's hard, or not perfect. AND, importantly, I don't expect the conversation to end with them agreeing with me. I just plant seeds. It's ok if they don't bear fruit until much, much later.

 

"You're concerned that homeschooling might have some disadvantages for little Johnny. I agree that it's not perfect. Every kind of schooling has pros and cons. I have weighed the pros and cons, and I've chosen this method, and I just have to do my best to try to mitigate the cons. We're doing scouts and <insert activity here>. It's not perfect, but we're on it as best we can. The nice thing of course is that if a situation is really bad, we can walk away, which sadly some school kids can't do. I feel so sad for <insert news item about bullied kid here>. Hey, that bean dip was great, can I have some more?"

[Joanne]

Google "bean dip for homeschoolers".

[laughing lioness]

Heard this for years from a certain close relative. Wouldn't ya know they retired 5 yrs early from teaching becasue a group of high school boys were "bullying" her (high school teacher)- throwing items in the class, calling them obscence names, etc. She had to get the union involved because they filed (unjustified) complaints and were trying to get her fired (which threatened her pension).

Let's define terms. Socialization just means you've been trained by a social unit. My kids are being socialized by a family, not a wolf pack, tyvm.

[Catwoman]

Horrid weekend with my folks. According to my dad if you homeschool you are being overprotective - because you need to have bad experiences at school so that you learn how to deal with them in later life. Because clearly being bullied as a 7 year old makes you able to deal with a bully at 33.

 

And just in case you wondered - my children are doing well academically, socially, emotionally etc etc IN SPITE of me! They would be doing even better if they were at school.

 

:mad:

 

Clearly, your dad is right. You're totally dropping the ball on the bullying thing.

 

When are you going to learn that it's important to tell your kids that they're fat, ugly, stupid, and worthless? You probably hardly ever sneak up behind them at a water fountain and shove their faces into the water. And don't even get me started on the wedgies your kids probably aren't getting.

 

If you're going to be successful at this whole homeschooling thing, you're going to have to be a lot more diligent about being mean and uncaring. How will your poor children ever develop low self-esteem and aggression issues if you keep treating them so nicely? How will they ever get into a decent anger management program if they are happy???

 

I guess you're the one who'll have to live with it when they grow up to be decent, honest, caring, non-bullies... :D

 

(And for the record, I'm sure your dad means well. Homeschooling is just a bit out of his comfort zone, and he's worried about your kids. Maybe other people have talked about homeschoolers being freaks of nature, and he's afraid that people will think that way about your kids. If he is otherwise a good guy, and is a good grandfather to your dc, I think the best thing you can do is to make as few waves as possible. Do what you want to do, but don't let yourself get into debates with your dad about it.)

[6packofun]

It's curious, isn't it, that the protectiveness aspect of parenting in general is decreasing so much (in my opinion, at least) in our society that almost anything is seen as overprotective. I think parents are losing or ignoring that God-given sense of needing to protect their children and I, for one, don't care a bit for the opinions of people who disagree with how we're raising our kids. Considering the wide range of personalities available in one's own *family*, I believe that our kids get plenty of practice in dealing with rudeness, meanness, jealously and all sorts of ills even without making our way out into the world, which we DO. I'd probably say that to a family member, as a matter of fact.

 

I agree with other posters who have said that it's time to make the topic off-limits. (Me, though...I'd have too many comeback statements in my arsenal to do that. LOL)

[laughing lioness]

I take a completely different approach. I know that these comments come from a place of love and concern for my children. I want these people in my kids' life.

 

Looking back on 20 years....

The "love and concern" shown in our case was about conformity, not about "love and concern" for our kids as individuals or as who they are as children of God (our paradigm). Because we were not doing the "normal" thing, by definition, we were "damaging" our kids. These people told our kids that (homeschooling was damaging- they wouldn't be able to keep up, they couldn't "compete" etc), spent time bashing us, talking about us as "failures" to our kids, etc. all under the guise of "love and concern."

This was a world-view/paradigm disagreement. This was an attack on us, directed at our children, on so many levels. The confusing part of it (esp. for our kids) was that the slander, confusion and ugly things were said in a "loving, gentle, kind manner- just sharing concern and love."

 

We did want this person in the lives of our children and now, in hind site, we see the damage they have done. They play favorites (which has deeply hurt 2 of our older kids) based on who agrees with them (about homeschooling, thier parents, etc. This has caused division in our family that has taken up HOURs of time, emotional energy and discussion.

 

Just saying...

[crazyforlatin]

I've heard that one before, but not from my own family, but from a teacher.

 

Anyway, I happen to know a few very successful people who harbor dark thoughts of doing great harm to their high school tormentors. They happened to be the "nerds" in school and such experiences changed them. It's sad that these adults still hope to get back at these bullies who are now probably married with kids. They attend reunions to prove to others that those bullies are the losers in the end. There's still a lot of anger and hurt 20-30 years later. My friends are tied to the past and can't seem to move forward with their negative feelings.

 

By the way, there are bullies everywhere, even in Sunday school. :glare:

[Farrar]

Looking back on 20 years....

The "love and concern" shown in our case was about conformity, not about "love and concern" for our kids as individuals or as who they are as children of God (our paradigm).

 

Well put. I don't find people trying to fit me or my kids into their mold as coming from a place of love and concern. It's coming from a place of control and fear.

 

But when it's your parents... pass the bean dip! And then hope that you're modeling that you'd like to learn how to pass bean dip too.

[justasque]

Looking back on 20 years....

The "love and concern" shown in our case was about conformity, not about "love and concern" for our kids as individuals or as who they are as children of God (our paradigm). ...

Just saying...

 

I hear ya! One size does not fit all; what worked for me wouldn't work for every family. I've been blessed with amazing parents. I know not everyone is that lucky.

[DawnM]

You can call me overprotective or helicopter mom or whatever, I don't really care, I embrace it! :D

[Ester Maria]

Laugh it away if possible. Many times people are just worried when you are doing something not quite orthodox and express themselves poorly.

 

If not possible, pass the bean dip.

 

:grouphug:

[mommyofthree]

 

I have asked why they think bullies only show up at schools. My children have dealt with it on playgrounds, in classes, etc. It isn't like b/c we homeschool we are home all the time or they are around me all the time (drop off classes). I mean the same bullies go out on the weekends, or after school and do sports. We live in the same world after all..lol.

 

Exactly!

[dcjlkplus3]

Ha, apparently I bully my poor d10 everyday simply by making her do school when she would much rather read or play.

 

Good to know that she will have experienced the wonders of bullying...

[scrapbookbuzz]

I was bullied as a kid. I'm pretty sure it added NOTHING of value to my public school experience or my life.

[TheApprentice]

I truly don't get how loving parenting is being overprotective. A child needs a strong foundation before sending them out into this cruel world. If a child is never permitted the time to find a since of self (and who can by age 5), they will be STUCK emotionally at that early age. I want my children to not be affected by silly behavior of their peers. They need to be secure. FIRST.

[EmmaNZ]

Thank you all so much for your support. I have calmed down a bit now! This is the first time I have had to deal with comments of this kind - I agree that I will never be able to change his mind. We'll just carry on regardless.....:001_smile:

[Hen]

Heard this for years from a certain close relative. Wouldn't ya know they retired 5 yrs early from teaching becasue a group of high school boys were "bullying" her (high school teacher)- throwing items in the class, calling them obscence names, etc. She had to get the union involved because they filed (unjustified) complaints and were trying to get her fired (which threatened her pension).

Let's define terms. Socialization just means you've been trained by a social unit. My kids are being socialized by a family, not a wolf pack, tyvm.

 

Wow Lioness, that is so sad about your relative- what a horrid way to end a career. So has this person thawed towards your homeschooling after this experience??

[Mommy22alyns]

Joy for joy. :grouphug: I wonder if he could have thrown a few more cliches in there? :tongue_smilie:

[FiveOaksAcademy]

I've always wanted to respond to this by saying "yes I agree that is an important part of growing up. I am keeping my eye out for a sale on lockers so dh and I can shove him in it every so often" :lol:

 

 

I had someone tell me they didn't want their child to miss out on the socialization of public school so once a day when their child is on the way to the bathroom, they push him up against the wall, call him names, and steal his money. :lol:

[MrsJewelsRae]

Seriously, in this day and age of so many kids being abused and bullied, and the rates of STD's, teen pregnancy, and suicide I consider it somewhat of a compliment to be called overprotective. Good grief, I wish more parents were and maybe fewer kids would get hurt and carry their scars forever.

[MrsJewelsRae]

Oh and I know quite a few grown ups who were homeschooled and they don't take crap from anybody, except they're nice about it. It's actually pretty neat to watch! I went to public school and don't recall any incidents of personal bullying, nor was I ever the type to bully others, yet I can usually deal with them just fine as an adult, despite my inexperience in that area. Several of the grown homeschoolers I know grew up to be teachers, police officers, nurses, and soldiers who served in Iraq- umm yeah, nobody is pushing

them around! In fact I'd like to see them try!

[Alicia64]

Horrid weekend with my folks. According to my dad if you homeschool you are being overprotective - because you need to have bad experiences at school so that you learn how to deal with them in later life. Because clearly being bullied as a 7 year old makes you able to deal with a bully at 33.

 

And just in case you wondered - my children are doing well academically, socially, emotionally etc etc IN SPITE of me! They would be doing even better if they were at school.

 

:mad:

 

Well, if it makes you feel any better my dad didn't speak to me for a year when I started homeschooling. UNBELIEVABLY, he's starting to see how well they're progressing.

 

But in the beginning I started to realize that I had to take my own path -- and my parents would not support me.

 

I took an, "oh well" attitude. My kids are more important than my parents. And I'm not going to give them to the school to be bullied.

 

Take good care,

 

Alley

[momacacia]

if you homeschool you are being overprotective

 

Yes, I am, thank you. :)

 

Hey, it seems to have worked well for my Mom, I hope it works just as well for me. ;)

[laughing lioness]

Wow Lioness, that is so sad about your relative- what a horrid way to end a career. So has this person thawed towards your homeschooling after this experience??

 

They now have an LD grandson living with them who could barely read at 6th grade. They've done a TON Of afterschooling. This person has even gone to a homeschool convention -lol.