Am I Being Unreasonable

[cloversandlions]

One thing I look back at with our 15 and 13 year old boys is that I didn't really realize how small they were when they were little. When they were 5 and 3 I had such expectations of them because they were so "big". Now our baby is 5 and I realize how very little even 5 is. I think it's very, very common to think your baby is so big once they aren't an infant any more. I see my brother and his wife talking about all these expectations they have of their 3 year old and wish I could explain to them what they are missing. (They have a 13 month old and she's pregnant also, so that really makes him look old to them.)

 

As someone else said, you haven't really given enough information to really give you any clear ideas of reasonableness or unreasonableness. However, since your daughter is your first, I wouldn't be surprised if some of what you might be experiencing is relating to what all first time parents feel. She's 15 months. She's A BABY. :)

 

I don't know if that will help at all. If you want to discuss other details I'm sure we'd be glad to offer lots and lots of opinion on here. It's one thing we are very good at. ;) LOL

 

:iagree: Just an hour or so ago, I said to my dh how much I wish I could rewind the clock and spend more time with ds when he was little (< age 4 or 5 years). He was just 2 when dd1 was born, and 5 when dd2 was born. I was so focused on the new babies, that I think I missed a lot of ds's early, early childhood. Gosh, he was so adorable and so little, and I wish I'd been better able to soak that up, too. I'd love to go back and cuddle with any of my children at age 15 months; that age is definitely still a baby.

 

I read the OP's question and my comments are: 1) I had ILs that have not always been easy, and I knew I disagreed with how they parented dh (they left 1-week old dh in a baby seat in the living room and went upstairs to bed, while newborn dh cried and cried; etc.) and I had issues about some of the things they did with ds especially (FIL would call ds a crybaby...except that ds was a baby, and crying was, well, the only way he could communicate), so I can appreciate wanting to establish boundaries with your ILs. It is definitely reasonable to ask not to be contradicted in front of your dd, but 2) I also agree with those who recommend that you step back and really evaluate your own expectations with your dd. 15 months old is still so little. I know she's big to you, but trust us...she's still little.

 

I know exactly what you meant when you mentioned not giving a reaction that encourages crying (like when the little one falls but not seriously - just enough to make 'em unsure, for example), and I tended to do the same thing when one of my wee ones just didn't know what s/he thought, but sometimes, they're gonna cry...and the open and loving arms of a parent or grandparent are going to give them an equally important message: that when they're hurting or something scares them, they have a safe place to go for comfort.

 

My MIL was mean - so very, very mean - to me during my second pregnancy. She was angry that I was pregnant at all (dh was in grad school), and refused to acknowledge the pregnancy unless it was to say something hurtful about how irresponsible I (not dh - just me) was to get pregnant. In fact, in the early days, I nearly lost the pregnancy (I miscarried dd's twin, and the doctors were going to do a D&C because dd was hiding behind the twin); MIL said it would have been better if I'd lost the whole pregnancy (yes...really). I was furious and hormonal, and vented by putting it all in a letter...which dh gave to them. :svengo:

 

Even though we only lived about 45 minutes away, MIL didn't see her granddaughter until dd was 4 months old; in the interim, my father died and although I won't excuse my MIL's behavior, the loss of my dad certainly affected how I viewed the role of grandparents in their grandchildren's lives. By the time she was invited to meet her newest grandchild, she was profoundly sorry and seriously regretted saying those awful things, and she apologized over and over and over... Despite those early difficult times, she has been a loving and devoted grandmother to my children, and now that she is dying, I'm sad that they won't have her in their lives for much longer.

 

So, (assuming that there isn't seriously dysfunctional stuff going on) definitely think about kindly setting boundaries (and have your dh take the lead on that), but before you do, give some more thought about what those boundaries should be, and perhaps your own expectations of your wee daughter. She has plenty of time to be independent, but the grandparents do not necessarily have plenty of time to enjoy their grandchild. They will hopefully and necessarily need to learn to trust your parenting decisions, but...they raised your dh, and if he turned out okay, then (again, barring seriously awful stuff) cut them some slack, too.

[YLVD]

We let her climb either in a low enough area that she won't get seriously hurt or we have a hand on her when she does something like climbing a ladder, yes she has climbed to the top of a 6 foot ladder with hands holding onto her just enough to keep her from falling.

 

After reading the original post, and then this one. Yes, you are being unreasonable and I would keep your kid off ladders at that age!!!:confused:

[Mama Geek]

If my memory is correct (and I'm not mixing you up with someone else) your ILs are from another culture from you, right? My ILs are extremely expressive with babies and small children - the kind of squeal and pinch them on the cheek kind of expressive that makes me cringe. They didn't hold my babies "right" (didn't support the head as carefully as I like) and had major problems with my parenting even though my American friends have never had any problems with it.

 

I had to learn to pick my battles with them. The supported neck was nonnegotiable, life preservers in their pool were nonnegotiable, no dairy due to allergies was nonnegotiable (despite the assurances that "it wasn't dairy it was ice cream":rolleyes:) - these were things that were seen as overprotective by them but I didn't care because I see them as safety issues. Cooing over every thing, letting them watch the Disney channel (while not my favorite), getting them inappropriate toys (which were quietly retired but never made an issue) - those my kids have learned are "just Grandma and Grandpa". They were able to make that distinction fairly early.

 

IL's and dh are not from a different culture.

[MelissaMinNC]

That is why we will give her the out by saying are you done fussing yet.

 

I think maybe because she's your first child and she happens to get this, you don't realize how unusual it is. 2 of my 3 children would not even have understood these words at 15 mo. Just because she happens to (or seems to) understand what you're saying, doesn't really mean it's a reasonable request on your part.

 

:grouphug: I hope you're able to get it all resolved.

[Danestress]

I think when dh gets back I will talk to him about that and it would be much better if both of us were there to discuss this.

 

He's asked you to stop complaining to him, and it's a hard position for a man to be in. He clearly doesn't think this is as big a deal as you do, and he wants you to ignore it. Some things can't be ignored, but a "let's all sit down" scenario can be threatening.

 

I would just be direct and matter of fact with her. Your daughter is only 15 months old. You have a year or two to work on this before contradicting you really makes a huge lasting impression. I would just look at her when she contradicts you and say, "Please do not contradict me in front of my daughter." And if she argues back, just repeat it. "I hear that you don't like the way I handed that. Please do not contradict me in front of my daughter."

 

Eventually, maybe you and DH will have to address this formally and together. But I would try it that way for six months without any complaining to him about his Mom. Just give the guy some time off.

[kwg]

I really don't mind them picking her up or feeding her, playing with her, reading books to her and that sort of thing. My dh and I do need to sit down with them and discuss not contradicting us in front of dd. I think when dh gets back I will talk to him about that and it would be much better if both of us were there to discuss this.

 

 

Bad idea, imo.

With my controlling in laws? that went over like a lead balloon even. They had this belief that they were the grandparents therefore they could do whatever they wanted pretty much. Like what they want superseded what we want. weird. ANyway when that was challenged outright we got a letter in the mail saying they were taking a break from us for a while. What a mess! Of course my mil is very juvenile and controlling so I am coming from that perspective but honestly I would ask your dh how he thinks it should be handled and let him do it. He has known her longer. ANd I would let him take dd over there if it was bugging me a lot.

 

 

But I also agree with the others that teaching independence at 15 months isn't really necessary....learning to trust others is a better goal imo.

[Acorn]

We have different parenting beliefs, but yes I think you are being unreasonable. I hope you can resolve things so that your child can grow up loving her grandparents.

[Impish]

He's asked you to stop complaining to him, and it's a hard position for a man to be in. He clearly doesn't think this is as big a deal as you do, and he wants you to ignore it. Some things can't be ignored, but a "let's all sit down" scenario can be threatening.

 

I would just be direct and matter of fact with her. Your daughter is only 15 months old. You have a year or two to work on this before contradicting you really makes a huge lasting impression. I would just look at her when she contradicts you and say, "Please do not contradict me in front of my daughter." And if she argues back, just repeat it. "I hear that you don't like the way I handed that. Please do not contradict me in front of my daughter."

 

Eventually, maybe you and DH will have to address this formally and together. But I would try it that way for six months without any complaining to him about his Mom. Just give the guy some time off.

:iagree:

I understand what its like to have a difficult MIL. Ask anyone on the boards, and they'll confirm that! :lol:

 

However.

 

From what you've said, you're holding a grudge from previous issues, and allowing it to colour the current situation. That's the first thing you need to deal with, hands down. You only have control over *you*, and before tackling your inlaws, you need to figure out and fix your end of things. They can't fix the past. You can decide if you are willing to allow it to impact the present and future though.

 

And believe me, I know how hard that can be!

 

I know it made a difference here when Wolf saw and understood that I was making the effort to let things go, to seek out the positives. (And believe me, they aren't easy to find with my MIL!) When he realized that this wasn't a power struggle btwn me and his mother for 'top female', that when I had issues w/MIL it was a serious thing, not an 'everything she does makes me nuts', it was so much easier for him to step up, step in, and do what needed to be done.

 

A litany of complaint every time his mother is around doesn't serve anyone well at all.

[Puma Mom]

:iagree:

I'm very sorry but I'm horrified that your baby was allowed to climb to the top of a 6 ft. ladder.

Really? Horrified that a 15mo would be allowed to climb something while holding on to her parents' hands?

 

I have two boys who, at that age, would have been up the ladder on their own as soon as our backs were turned. And climbed up and down without a mishap. They walked at 8½ mo, so climbing wasn't a challenge by then. Dh climbed to the top of his fridge when he was that age to get to his brother's birthday cake. Physical skills vary so much at that age.

 

To the OP....I don't think you'll be able to change how they feel and react to what they think are dangerous situations or times when she needs comforting. I do think they can be expected not to correct your parenting in front of her or to contradict your parenting. If I put a child in time out or took away a toy or said no to candy, I would not sit still and silent if my parent (or any other adult) contradicted that. I'd probably say, in a joking voice, "Actually, I'm the mom here." and hope that conveyed my message.

[beaners]

We get a chorus of "Are you sure that's a good idea?" from well meaning grandparents all the time. And then we get "No, it's fine if they do that!" for activities that we discourage. We also get the "subtle" hints about things that they think we ought to be doing. $10 and a coupon for Supercuts because my husband didn't tame hair when his parents visited while I was in the hospital with a newborn? I graciously asked my husband to tell his parents that we like the girls with long hair but we would put the money toward new barrettes. (With all that hormonal mess. My shining moment.) I know my family and my husband's family are doing things out of love, and there is no bad blood between us. I don't know how I'd function if that wasn't the case. I can't even imagine what I'd be most likely to do or what would even be successful.

 

We do attachment parent with babies, and I don't see what you are doing as unreasonable because I assume you know your child. We don't make a big deal about bumps in our house either. We make a point of allowing exploration and exercise in a safe environment. I can recognize when holding and comforting a baby or a toddler is making them more unhappy or overstimulated.

 

My children were (and are) well aware of what is going on at that age. I wouldn't be cool with someone contradicting me. I also had no trouble with my children understanding my requests at that age. My current 14 month old will wait to catch my eye and then pretend to head toward something he shouldn't - because he thinks it's hilarious for me to tell him "un-uh" or ask "should you be doing that?" He knows what I mean. I didn't expect 100% compliance, and I doubt you do either.

[Jean in Newcastle]

IL's and dh are not from a different culture.

 

Unless he were adopted (and then only in some cases) that would be obvious! But it seems equally obvious to me that your dh does not have as big a problem with how your ILs are interacting with your dd as you do.

[Catwoman]

Current Read Aloud - Swiss Family Robinson

 

Is this really your current read aloud with a 15 month old?

 

I am only asking because, if it is, I think you may be trying a bit too hard with your little dd. She has years and years to grow up and read The Swiss Family Robinson; now is the time for Pat the Bunny and Dr Seuss, and all sorts of silly picture books. She's not going to remember any of the details of most of what you're reading now, anyway; it's all about the cuddling and the fun. I'm not sure how to say this gently, but I honestly mean no disrespect, but when I read your comments about how you want your dd to self-soothe her fussiness, I started to wonder if perhaps you are treating her as though she is much older (emotionally) than she really is. She may be the most intelligent child on the planet and appear to understand every word you say, but she's still a baby, and one of the hardest things for us moms to learn is that our smart kids are still just kids on an emotional level.

 

I don't necessarily disagree with anything that your MIL has done, and I think she's doing exactly what many of us would do as moms or grandmas, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that she is not respecting your wishes, and you are the mom.

 

BUT... yes, I think you're overreacting. The "warm and cuddly" grandma is very important.

 

That said, I completely understand why your feathers are ruffled when your ILs appear to be trying to tell you how to raise your dd, are you certain it's not mainly because you don't want to relinquish any control to them, because if you give them an inch, they might take a yard? Would you react the same way if they tried to tell you what to do in other situations? ("You shouldn't buy that car; you should get this one.")

 

When my ds was a baby, NO ONE was going to tell me how to raise him, particularly not my MIL. My kid, my decisions. PERIOD.

 

I was such a pain in the butt. :tongue_smilie:

 

So honestly, I'm not judging you. I can see myself in the way you are reacting to your ILs. But I can also see that you may be assuming that your dd is far more mature than she is capable of being at 15 months old. I'm betting that it's because she's a bright kid, and it's easy to assume that emotional maturity goes hand in hand with intellectual ability... and it doesn't. Your dd may be incredibly cooperative, but you're not teaching her to be that way; at this age, it's just her personality. The last thing you want is an emotionally repressed child who can't express her anger, sadness, or displeasure without the result being a little time-out in the playpen.

 

I'm sure this post came out terribly, and I truly hope I haven't offended you.

Edited October 11, 2011 by Catwoman

[JulieH]

Is this really your current read aloud with a 15 month old?

 

I am only asking because, if it is, I think you may be trying a bit too hard with your little dd. She has years and years to grow up and read The Swiss Family Robinson; now is the time for Pat the Bunny and Dr Seuss, and all sorts of silly picture books. She's not going to remember any of the details of most of what you're reading now, anyway; it's all about the cuddling and the fun. I'm not sure how to say this gently, but I honestly mean no disrespect, but when I read your comments about how you want your dd to self-soothe her fussiness, I started to wonder if perhaps you are treating her as though she is much older (emotionally) than she really is. She may be the most intelligent child on the planet and appear to understand every word you say, but she's still a baby, and one of the hardest things for us moms to learn is that our smart kids are still just kids on an emotional level.

 

I don't necessarily disagree with anything that your MIL has done, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that she is not respecting your wishes, and you are the mom.

 

BUT... yes, I think you're overreacting. The "warm and cuddly" grandma is very important.

 

That said, I completely understand why your feathers are ruffled when your ILs appear to be trying to tell you how to raise your dd, are you certain it's not mainly because you don't want to relinquish any control to them, because if you give them an inch, they might take a yard? Would you react the same way if they tried to tell you what to do in other situations? ("You shouldn't buy that car; you should get this one.")

 

When my ds was a baby, NO ONE was going to tell me how to raise him, particularly not my MIL. My kid, my decisions. PERIOD.

 

I was such a pain in the butt. :tongue_smilie:

 

So honestly, I'm not judging you. I can see myself in the way you are reacting to your ILs. But I can also see that you may be assuming that your dd is far more mature than she is capable of being at 15 months old. I'm betting that it's because she's a bright kid, and it's easy to assume that emotional maturity goes hand in hand with intellectual ability... and it doesn't. Your dd may be incredibly cooperative, but you're not teaching her to be that way; at this age, it's just her personality. The last thing you want is an emotionally repressed child who can't express her anger, sadness, or displeasure without the result being a little time-out in the playpen.

 

I'm sure this post came out terribly, and I truly hope I haven't offended you.

 

I think you put this very, very well..and I could sense your gentleness. I couldn't agree more.

 

Hopefully the OP will read it with the tone that I inferred from it because it sounded kind and loving to me.

 

OP: For what it's worth, you're obviously a good mommy who wants very much to do the right thing. I agree with others that you may be overreacting, but I also totally get why you're annoyed with MIL. That said, my kids don't have grandparents that dote on them and I've actually been rather sad about it in the past few days.

 

She's just a baby. Do let them love her.

 

And please..do read Chicka Chicka Boom Boom, Brown Bear Brown Bear and all of the Sandra Boynton books (specifically Pajama Time!!!) before Swiss Family Robinson! ;);)

[Liza Lee]

This sounds like it is a LOT more to do with you and mil and a LOT less to do with your dd. She is the pawn in whatever game is afoot.

:iagree:

 

To me, you BOTH sound controlling and a bit unreasonable.

[PinkInTheBlue]

Is this really your current read aloud with a 15 month old?

 

I am only asking because, if it is, I think you may be trying a bit too hard with your little dd. She has years and years to grow up and read The Swiss Family Robinson; now is the time for Pat the Bunny and Dr Seuss, and all sorts of silly picture books. She's not going to remember any of the details of most of what you're reading now, anyway; it's all about the cuddling and the fun. I'm not sure how to say this gently, but I honestly mean no disrespect, but when I read your comments about how you want your dd to self-soothe her fussiness, I started to wonder if perhaps you are treating her as though she is much older (emotionally) than she really is. She may be the most intelligent child on the planet and appear to understand every word you say, but she's still a baby, and one of the hardest things for us moms to learn is that our smart kids are still just kids on an emotional level.

 

I don't necessarily disagree with anything that your MIL has done, and I think she's doing exactly what many of us would do as moms or grandmas, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that she is not respecting your wishes, and you are the mom.

 

BUT... yes, I think you're overreacting. The "warm and cuddly" grandma is very important.

 

That said, I completely understand why your feathers are ruffled when your ILs appear to be trying to tell you how to raise your dd, are you certain it's not mainly because you don't want to relinquish any control to them, because if you give them an inch, they might take a yard? Would you react the same way if they tried to tell you what to do in other situations? ("You shouldn't buy that car; you should get this one.")

 

When my ds was a baby, NO ONE was going to tell me how to raise him, particularly not my MIL. My kid, my decisions. PERIOD.

 

I was such a pain in the butt. :tongue_smilie:

 

So honestly, I'm not judging you. I can see myself in the way you are reacting to your ILs. But I can also see that you may be assuming that your dd is far more mature than she is capable of being at 15 months old. I'm betting that it's because she's a bright kid, and it's easy to assume that emotional maturity goes hand in hand with intellectual ability... and it doesn't. Your dd may be incredibly cooperative, but you're not teaching her to be that way; at this age, it's just her personality. The last thing you want is an emotionally repressed child who can't express her anger, sadness, or displeasure without the result being a little time-out in the playpen.

 

I'm sure this post came out terribly, and I truly hope I haven't offended you.

 

:iagree: I also agree and truly and completely hope the OP will consider the things suggested many times on this thread. It's not something that most of us haven't also been through. It really is said with concern and gentleness not condemnation. Please consider a different perspective.

[Jean in Newcastle]

The other thing I thought of is that it really isn't all or nothing. Your dd is with you for most of the time. She can climb ladders and show her independence at home. At Grandma's she can be cuddled and fussed over in the times that you do live near them.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

:iagree: I also agree and truly and completely hope the OP will consider the things suggested many times on this thread. It's not something that most of us haven't also been through. It really is said with concern and gentleness not condemnation. Please consider a different perspective.

 

Yes. If all of the above is true, then I think Cat said it perfectly. It appears that you are somewhat misguided about the developmental stage of your 15 month old. The things you describe your MIL doing sound like normal things any grandmother would do for a child that age.

 

I do not like my MIL at all. I do not parent anything like she did. She has said horrible things to me and to my kids. I prefer to be away from her and often make excuses to exclude myself from gatherings that include her. My kids still like her, and I know that she won't physically harm them, so I let her spend time with them. So, I truly understand that you have an issue with your MIL. I think this is coloring your vision. You interpret her actions as disrespectful of your parenting decisions, when really, she may not be purposefully undermining you. She is a different sort of person than you are. You cannot change her personality or her instincts. You need to let her be the grandparent and you need to be the parent. Your dh is right. You need to ignore much of what your MIL is saying and doing, unless it specifically harms your dd.

[BarbecueMom]

And please..do read Chicka Chicka Boom Boom, Brown Bear Brown Bear and all of the Sandra Boynton books (specifically Pajama Time!!!) before Swiss Family Robinson! ;);)

 

Why can't it be both? We've always done a "long book" read aloud and many short, picture books. DS sat with me while I read Narnia at about 15 months. Did he understand it? No. Does he remember it? No. But I'd never read it and he liked sitting with me while I read. I read The Boxcar Children several months ago. They played with trains while I read and I could keep an eye on them without going insane with boredom or running down my iPhone battery. :tongue_smilie:

 

They also have several Boynton and Seuss books memorized.

[Little Nyssa]

1. When you are a DIL, it seems like every time ILs tell you something, you feel like they are actually saying "you are not a good mother".

Sometimes that's not what they mean.

My MIL infuriated me one time by asking "Did you bring the children's coats?" I thought she meant I was a dummy for forgetting them. She was actually just asking where the coats were.

 

2. Your MIL has a different style of parenting than you. It might take a while for you to realize that this is not necessarily undermining you. DC will quickly learn that mama is one way and grandma is another.

 

3. This stage that you are in is a hard stage. It does get easier.

 

4. Your parenting strategies seem a little uncommon. When you are a new parent it is easy to feel that you have to prove yourself and do everything right. When you are a more experienced parent you learn to learn from other people and there's no shame in that.

[Paige]

Why can't it be both? We've always done a "long book" read aloud and many short, picture books. DS sat with me while I read Narnia at about 15 months. Did he understand it? No. Does he remember it? No. But I'd never read it and he liked sitting with me while I read. I read The Boxcar Children several months ago. They played with trains while I read and I could keep an eye on them without going insane with boredom or running down my iPhone battery. :tongue_smilie:

 

They also have several Boynton and Seuss books memorized.

 

As long as you are clear that you are reading it for yourself, then it sounds like a very nice way to pass the time. I don't think it will have any benefit for a toddler at all other than spending time with her mom and seeing that her mom enjoys books, but it certainly isn't harmful. I don't count that as a "read aloud," though. A read aloud, IMO, is something that is done with the intent for the child to hear, understand, enjoy the story, etc.

 

To the OP, asking your child if she is done with her fit is still expecting her to self soothe and is not really an out. Perhaps if you phrased it, "Can you calm yourself down or do you need help?" it would give her a little more space to let you know when she just needs to be a baby and to be cuddled through her emotions.

[twoforjoy]

I just read through all the responses, and even though I'm not the OP, they have really helped me think through some of the expectations I've had for my DD lately (and the frustration I've been feeling because she hasn't been meeting them). I always need that reminder that fussing and whining (or, as she currently does, turning bright red, shaking, and letting out an ear-splitting shriek when her plans are thwarted) at 18 months does not mean that, unless I nip it in the bud immediately, she'll be responding that way at 18 years.

 

I learned after many years of stress and some battles that the love and security of being loved by so many easily outweighed any negative impact our different styles may have produced.

 

In other words, pick your battles. I did not let grandparents allow outrageous behaviors, but I accepted that my peanuts might have ice cream at lunch when the GPs were around, or end the night being rocked for an hour instead of put down in their crib when sleepy. None of it caused great confusion for the kids. None expected me to begin offering ice cream lunches, or rocking for hours. And all of it made great memories of loving moments with their grandparents for the kids.

 

I really like this, and I agree. Plus, I'm not convinced that perfect consistency in all situations is good for kids or helps them learn to deal with life, where people are inconsistent.

 

But, I'm a big believer in the right of grandma and grandpa to spoil (within reason, of course), and I fully plan to spoil any grandchildren I have.

 

At the same time, too, I let my DS do things that my parents aren't comfortable with. I'll let him walk a block to visit a friend, as long as there's no street-crossing. My parents and ILs are made very nervous by the thought of him walking even around the corner by himself in Detroit, so when they're here, and they want to walk him to a friend's house, he doesn't get to say, "But my mom lets me go alone!" I also don't insist that he go alone. If grandma and grandpa want to walk him over, then they do, and he respects that.

 

If we were talking about something truly dangerous or that the parent felt was morally wrong that the grandparents were doing, then I'd think there'd be a place to put your foot down. But in general I think that allowing people to interact with your child in the way that's comfortable for them, rather than the way you want them to, is just fine, probably a good thing for the child, and definitely better for the relationship between the adults.

[LibraryLover]

I think kids know grannies are not mommies.

 

Someone pushes and someone catches. So what? It all works out in the end. Even adults need someone to say "Oh, poor baby, how awful" once in awhile and let you have a good cry. A good cry is just the ticket sometimes.

 

So I vote unreasonable. Especially given the child in question is an infant, and the fact that these folks do not live with you.

Edited October 11, 2011 by LibraryLover

[jplain]

We also try to discourage her being fussy either by putting her in her pack and play or not giving her what she is fussing over.

Careful. This may have effects far beyond what you intend. Your baby needs you to help her develop all kinds of skills. If she's asking for help and you turn away, she will begin to understand that you aren't a reliable source of help. This impression will last. Imagine your teenage daughter not being able to come to you with a serious problem. Sure, it sounds ridiculous now, but I assure you, the seeds of your relationship with your teenage and adult daughter are being sown now.

 

I'd suggest reading Alfie Kohn's book Unconditional Parenting to bring some balance to your thinking. No worries, it won't turn her back into an infant.

 

As far as discipline goes, IMO the most appropriate technique, up through preschool age, is redirection.

Edited October 11, 2011 by jplain

[YLVD]

Is this really your current read aloud with a 15 month old?

 

I am only asking because, if it is, I think you may be trying a bit too hard with your little dd. She has years and years to grow up and read The Swiss Family Robinson; now is the time for Pat the Bunny and Dr Seuss, and all sorts of silly picture books. She's not going to remember any of the details of most of what you're reading now, anyway; it's all about the cuddling and the fun. I'm not sure how to say this gently, but I honestly mean no disrespect, but when I read your comments about how you want your dd to self-soothe her fussiness, I started to wonder if perhaps you are treating her as though she is much older (emotionally) than she really is. She may be the most intelligent child on the planet and appear to understand every word you say, but she's still a baby, and one of the hardest things for us moms to learn is that our smart kids are still just kids on an emotional level.

 

I don't necessarily disagree with anything that your MIL has done, and I think she's doing exactly what many of us would do as moms or grandmas, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that she is not respecting your wishes, and you are the mom.

 

BUT... yes, I think you're overreacting. The "warm and cuddly" grandma is very important.

 

That said, I completely understand why your feathers are ruffled when your ILs appear to be trying to tell you how to raise your dd, are you certain it's not mainly because you don't want to relinquish any control to them, because if you give them an inch, they might take a yard? Would you react the same way if they tried to tell you what to do in other situations? ("You shouldn't buy that car; you should get this one.")

 

When my ds was a baby, NO ONE was going to tell me how to raise him, particularly not my MIL. My kid, my decisions. PERIOD.

 

I was such a pain in the butt. :tongue_smilie:

 

So honestly, I'm not judging you. I can see myself in the way you are reacting to your ILs. But I can also see that you may be assuming that your dd is far more mature than she is capable of being at 15 months old. I'm betting that it's because she's a bright kid, and it's easy to assume that emotional maturity goes hand in hand with intellectual ability... and it doesn't. Your dd may be incredibly cooperative, but you're not teaching her to be that way; at this age, it's just her personality. The last thing you want is an emotionally repressed child who can't express her anger, sadness, or displeasure without the result being a little time-out in the playpen.

 

I'm sure this post came out terribly, and I truly hope I haven't offended you.

 

:iagree:

[Guest IdahoMtnMom]

I have to agree with a lot of the replies. Mostly in that you are trying WAY to hard with a 15 month old!!! Swiss Family Robinson? I wanted to LOL, no offense. Goodnight Moon or the Runaway Bunny are FAR more appropriate books at that age!!!

 

Yes, you child is independant. She is ahead. She will be starting college at age 5... I have read it all before. She is a BABY. Her grandparents have EVERY right to BABY her. As far as denying her things she wants and tossing her in her pack and play, well... that is wrong. Period.

[twoforjoy]

I have to agree with a lot of the replies. Mostly in that you are trying WAY to hard with a 15 month old!!! Swiss Family Robinson? I wanted to LOL, no offense. Goodnight Moon or the Runaway Bunny are FAR more appropriate books at that age!!!

 

I think it depends on when/why you are reading.

 

My 18mo right now likes those "first word" books that are just labelled pictures. She looks at them a lot during the day, and we read them to her, and also sometimes we read short picture books.

 

At night, though, DH usually reads her a short chapter from a children's novel. She clearly doesn't understand it. (In fact, right now he's reading The Tale of Despereaux, which he had finished with our oldest, and if she did understand it, he wouldn't be reading it to her, because it's pretty bleak and heavy in parts.) But, it calms her down at night to have her daddy read to her, and I do think that just at the level of exposure to language it's got some benefits. Probably not more benefits than just talking to her would have, but neither one of us is up to coming up with a 10-minute monologue at her bedtime, so a book works better!

 

We got into the habit of reading books they didn't understand when DS was a toddler. He was a horrible, terrible, no-good, very-bad sleeper. It would take him 1-2 hours to fall asleep, and he had no ability to fall asleep on his own. (If we left the room before he was asleep, he'd start screaming and keep it up for hours, getting himself more and more agitated, so we were in the room with him until he was out.) Singing and reading picture books got him too stimulated, but if we just sat there silently he'd get overly restless, so we'd take turns bringing in stuff to read. I'd often just read to him from whatever book I happened to be reading. He liked listening to us, and he was an early and very good reader (and now writer), so I'm not going to discount the possibility that there was some benefit, in terms of things like internalizing language structure, to the hours we spent reading material that was way over his head to him. Or maybe that's just how I try to look on the bright side of the maybe two years where getting him to sleep seemed to be our primary hobby!

[Cassy]

He liked listening to us, and he was an early and very good reader (and now writer), so I'm not going to discount the possibility that there was some benefit, in terms of things like internalizing language structure, to the hours we spent reading material that was way over his head to him.

 

:iagree: I know a number of people who have read more difficult chapter books to their toddlers, and without exception these children read and wrote early, and are now very eloquent speakers and writers. Just because it seems strange to you doesn't mean that it's wrong or a waste of time.

 

As far as the issue of ladder climbing goes, all four of my boys have adored climbing ladders as toddlers. A six foot ladder is really not all that high. The secret to ladder safety is simply to make sure they're not left out when an adult is unable to supervise. All of my boys have been very adventurous physically, I really couldn't have stopped them if I'd tried, but we've only once had an injury of any significance, when a five year old jumped off a piece of play equipment in a park and landed awkwardly (he was angry) and fractured his arm. That was our only hospital visit, it wasn't even a serious fracture. Whilst I'm a strong proponent for attachment parenting (they've all been breastfed for aeons, DS4 still sleeps in my bed, and they've all been kissed and cuddled to death), I don't wrap them in cotton wool either.

 

Best wishes

 

Cassy

[caedmyn]

We let her climb either in a low enough area that she won't get seriously hurt or we have a hand on her when she does something like climbing a ladder, yes she has climbed to the top of a 6 foot ladder with hands holding onto her just enough to keep her from falling.

 

If you have a climber, you have a climber. Your ILs may not understand that you can't stop a climber if they've never had one. DS1 was about 16 months last time we visited my ILs and would climb to the top of a probably 8 foot high slide near them without hesitation. I'm sure it made my MIL really nervous! (OK it made me nervous too but I stood at the bottom of the ladder to catch him if necessary.)

 

Personally I wouldn't worry too much about the babying unless they see her very frequently. A visit every couple of weeks or less, or even a couple hours every week, are not going to confuse her or undo what you're trying to do with her. I would have issues with MIL stepping in and trying to directly or indirectly interfere when you're trying to train your DD...not so much just comments that are made at a later time iYKWIM.

[Mama Geek]

We read multiple board books multiple times a day. We also read from the bible and I pick a classic I haven't read to read aloud while she is playing or chasing the dog. We don't have a TV in the house so it is a form of entertainment.

 

ETA: I think in the long run it will help her not hurt her. I would be perfectly happy for her to start college at 18.

Edited October 11, 2011 by Mama Geek

[kalanamak]

You, on the other hand, are trying to teach a baby self control, delayed gratification, and other skills that are totally inappropriate for a baby of that age. I'd recommend some child development texts to brush up on reasonable expectations at that age. (that means written by actual academics, not Pastors or pseudo experts like the Ezzos).

 

I'm glad I missed reading all those, because we did just fine. "Follow your mama instincts" is chanted over and over here. My instincts were to read aloud *whatever book I was reading* while kiddo played, so kiddo grew up listening to articles from The Economist. I don't think he is harmed. He so loved the covers, he wanted them taped up to his door.

 

Kiddo learned, with a call of the voice, that I would be there, but not this SECOND (delayed gratification). Kiddo learned with a bit of encouragement to pick himself up and toddle on. I also learned that when he was sick and got lots of attention, he would be in a temper if he didn't get what he wanted right away for about 24 hours after recovery. Aside from one small sit and refuse to walk, and one yowl about being parted from a cute girl when he was 3, those days-after-being-sick were the only temper tantrums he ever pitched.

 

If my kid came back from GM demanding and afraid of the tiles, my mama instincts would certainly rear up.

 

BTW, 15 months is a toddler to me, not a "baby", at least that was how kiddo appeared at 15 months. Faster than a speeding bullet, and very steady on his feet.

[Catwoman]

:iagree: I know a number of people who have read more difficult chapter books to their toddlers, and without exception these children read and wrote early, and are now very eloquent speakers and writers.

 

I would suspect that these same parents also spoke in "normal" language to their kids from when they were babies, rather than using a lot of cutesy baby talk, and they probably didn't modify their vocabularies when speaking to them, either, so the kids developed strong vocabularies and excellent grammar and speaking skills at an early age. I'll bet the main reasons why their children have been so successful have less to do with having heard chapter books read aloud when they were toddlers, and far more to do with extensive parental involvement and attention from a very early age.

 

I don't think anyone thinks there is any harm to be done by reading somewhat complex books to small children, but personally, I don't think it is anywhere near as important to a child's intellect as lots of regular conversation, and letting the child know that he or she has something important to contribute to family discussions.

[Jennifer3141]

I think kids know grannies are not mommies.

 

Someone pushes and someone catches. So what? It all works out in the end. Even adults need someone to say "Oh, poor baby, how awful" once in awhile and let you have a good cry. A good cry is just the ticket sometimes.

 

So I vote unreasonable. Especially given the child in question is an infant, and the fact that these folks do not live with you.

 

Can't add anything to a post that is perfect IMO! :)

[ktgrok]

I'm glad I missed reading all those, because we did just fine. "Follow your mama instincts" is chanted over and over here. My instincts were to read aloud *whatever book I was reading* while kiddo played, so kiddo grew up listening to articles from The Economist. I don't think he is harmed. He so loved the covers, he wanted them taped up to his door.

 

Kiddo learned, with a call of the voice, that I would be there, but not this SECOND (delayed gratification). Kiddo learned with a bit of encouragement to pick himself up and toddle on. I also learned that when he was sick and got lots of attention, he would be in a temper if he didn't get what he wanted right away for about 24 hours after recovery. Aside from one small sit and refuse to walk, and one yowl about being parted from a cute girl when he was 3, those days-after-being-sick were the only temper tantrums he ever pitched.

 

If my kid came back from GM demanding and afraid of the tiles, my mama instincts would certainly rear up.

 

BTW, 15 months is a toddler to me, not a "baby", at least that was how kiddo appeared at 15 months. Faster than a speeding bullet, and very steady on his feet.

 

Your child sounds like a lovely boy. And no offense, but I don't think any of the behavior mentioned was because of specific parenting methods. I have two great kids, that I parent the exact same way, that are totally different. It's not about me, it's about them, and who there are, to a very large degree.

 

And you know what, even IF extra cuddles caused the occaisional tantrum I'd still do it. Because some day the tantrums will be over, and I don't want to have missed out on the cuddles.

[Forget-Me-Not]

One thing I look back at with our 15 and 13 year old boys is that I didn't really realize how small they were when they were little. When they were 5 and 3 I had such expectations of them because they were so "big". Now our baby is 5 and I realize how very little even 5 is. I think it's very, very common to think your baby is so big once they aren't an infant any more.

So true!

 

Is this really your current read aloud with a 15 month old?

 

I am only asking because, if it is, I think you may be trying a bit too hard with your little dd. She has years and years to grow up and read The Swiss Family Robinson; now is the time for Pat the Bunny and Dr Seuss, and all sorts of silly picture books. She's not going to remember any of the details of most of what you're reading now, anyway; it's all about the cuddling and the fun. I'm not sure how to say this gently, but I honestly mean no disrespect, but when I read your comments about how you want your dd to self-soothe her fussiness, I started to wonder if perhaps you are treating her as though she is much older (emotionally) than she really is. She may be the most intelligent child on the planet and appear to understand every word you say, but she's still a baby, and one of the hardest things for us moms to learn is that our smart kids are still just kids on an emotional level.

 

I don't necessarily disagree with anything that your MIL has done, and I think she's doing exactly what many of us would do as moms or grandmas, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that she is not respecting your wishes, and you are the mom.

 

BUT... yes, I think you're overreacting. The "warm and cuddly" grandma is very important.

 

That said, I completely understand why your feathers are ruffled when your ILs appear to be trying to tell you how to raise your dd, are you certain it's not mainly because you don't want to relinquish any control to them, because if you give them an inch, they might take a yard? Would you react the same way if they tried to tell you what to do in other situations? ("You shouldn't buy that car; you should get this one.")

 

When my ds was a baby, NO ONE was going to tell me how to raise him, particularly not my MIL. My kid, my decisions. PERIOD.

 

I was such a pain in the butt. :tongue_smilie:

 

So honestly, I'm not judging you. I can see myself in the way you are reacting to your ILs. But I can also see that you may be assuming that your dd is far more mature than she is capable of being at 15 months old. I'm betting that it's because she's a bright kid, and it's easy to assume that emotional maturity goes hand in hand with intellectual ability... and it doesn't. Your dd may be incredibly cooperative, but you're not teaching her to be that way; at this age, it's just her personality. The last thing you want is an emotionally repressed child who can't express her anger, sadness, or displeasure without the result being a little time-out in the playpen.

 

I'm sure this post came out terribly, and I truly hope I haven't offended you.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

And please..do read Chicka Chicka Boom Boom, Brown Bear Brown Bear and all of the Sandra Boynton books (specifically Pajama Time!!!)

Pffffft, everybody knows that The Belly Button Book is the best of them all :D

[justamouse]

 

 

Pffffft, everybody knows that The Belly Button Book is the best of them all :D

 

I disagree. But Not the Hippopotamus is the best Boyton book. (I have much of it memorized, lol):D

[Cassy]

I would suspect that these same parents also spoke in "normal" language to their kids from when they were babies, rather than using a lot of cutesy baby talk, and they probably didn't modify their vocabularies when speaking to them, either, so the kids developed strong vocabularies and excellent grammar and speaking skills at an early age. I'll bet the main reasons why their children have been so successful have less to do with having heard chapter books read aloud when they were toddlers, and far more to do with extensive parental involvement and attention from a very early age.

 

I don't think anyone thinks there is any harm to be done by reading somewhat complex books to small children, but personally, I don't think it is anywhere near as important to a child's intellect as lots of regular conversation, and letting the child know that he or she has something important to contribute to family discussions.

 

This may well be true, especially as they got older, as the intellectual environment in these families was especially rich.

 

'Baby talk', however, or 'motherese', has been studied in depth, and it has been suggested is a natural and necessary stage of communication with babies and small children.

 

Cassy

[kalanamak]

 

And you know what, even IF extra cuddles caused the occaisional tantrum I'd still do it. Because some day the tantrums will be over, and I don't want to have missed out on the cuddles.

 

Actually, I find at 9 my boy is cuddlier than ever. Much more of a hedonist than at 2. He was more of a go go go boy at two. But, after a couple of days of "spoiling", he was expecting it to go on, that's for sure.

 

I think people are getting hung up on certain words in this thread, and I'm betting the parenting isn't that radically different. I'm not sure how calling to a non-infant little one to reassure, "delay gratification", and teach that not everything needs an immediate adult help, rather than dropping everything and running to his side is offensive, and I'm betting, in real life, few moms have the capacity to be Janie on the Spot with attention all the time.

 

Psychologically, it is fascinating how "undesirable" the word independence is on this thread. I always thought of it as desirable, and wonder what a group of non-hs mothers would rate it at. But then, I am from a family that valued independence very much. And, there would have been strict forbidding of ladder climbing: Mother didn't have time to hold us by the waist to spot us with a houseful of active, grubby children, no car, no dishwasher, a ringer washing machine and cloth diapers drying in the basement all winter, three meals from scratch for the 24 years straight she had a young child underfoot, and the 37 years she had a child under the roof (Actually, she cooked for 69 years, but the last half was sans kids). Like something out of a Monty Python skit. ("You had a packing case? Pure luxury!":D )

[FiveOaksAcademy]

I didn't read the age of your child until the end. Throughout the whole post, I was thinking that you definitely were right. When I saw that she was 15 months old, I'm leaning more towards the idea that you are being unreasonable. Sorry!! :(

[clarkacademy]

I think all children grow into their independence. I don't push it. I mean the baby is 7 the baby is still called the baby by me and everyone else. She cries when she falls one of us pick her up and cuddle her. My oldest daughter is I do it all for myself at 14 but if she is hurt it is grab momma by the hand time. My boys are as rough and tough as you please but they will still snuggle to mommy on the couch when they need it.

 

I had a child who didn't even walk at 15 months and was told it was because we never put her down. She didn't want down she would cry very heartbroken. A dr told me she would never walk because of that. HAHA at 2 she was running. Did it matter nope! She still sleeps with me at 7 and I know the day will come she doesn't want too anymore so who cares about babying them now? Really what does it matter if your kid can run a house at 3 while mine can't tie a shoe because in the end they will all follow and grow up and start a life so who cares.

 

The day will come when their lives will be their own and they will be gone. I can know that I got all that extra time by not pushing them to grow up.

[jhschool]

Hi

Even though your daughter is 15 months old, she is old

enough to learn to be ridiculous (crying when she sees grandma

there when she falls) instead of what you want to raise her

to be (up, honey! you're ok--from you).

 

It is *your* daughter. *Your* rules apply.

 

I had the SAME problem with my in-laws.

 

Here is the scary part: It will *not* stop. When your daughter

is older, the same problems will be there, just in different versions.

 

You need to make it clear *now*. "I understand that we have

different parenting styles, but, I'm sorry, but we *don't* want her

babied when she falls. We really think that is not the best for her.

I apologize, but that is the way we have chosen to raise her."

 

Limit your time with them if they don't listen!

 

Another thing you can do if you are in the middle of the power

struggle (I did this) is: When you are in the situation and don't

want to make a scene, pick up your daughter and take her away

(to the bedroom, to the park, anywhere but where they are).

Simply remove yourself and your daughter from the situation.

Later, *if they ask for an explanation*, say, "I'm sorry, but we

talked about it before. We don't want her babied. That is what

we have decided for her." And don't discuss it further.

 

Make sure your husband is on your side and that he is ready with

the same responses as you.

 

It is *not* because you are older! I was young and I had the

same power struggle with my 1-year old and my in-laws.

 

Good Luck and God Bless

 

J

[Jean in Newcastle]

Actually, I find at 9 my boy is cuddlier than ever. Much more of a hedonist than at 2. He was more of a go go go boy at two. But, after a couple of days of "spoiling", he was expecting it to go on, that's for sure.

 

I think people are getting hung up on certain words in this thread, and I'm betting the parenting isn't that radically different. I'm not sure how calling to a non-infant little one to reassure, "delay gratification", and teach that not everything needs an immediate adult help, rather than dropping everything and running to his side is offensive, and I'm betting, in real life, few moms have the capacity to be Janie on the Spot with attention all the time.

 

Psychologically, it is fascinating how "undesirable" the word independence is on this thread. I always thought of it as desirable, and wonder what a group of non-hs mothers would rate it at. But then, I am from a family that valued independence very much. And, there would have been strict forbidding of ladder climbing: Mother didn't have time to hold us by the waist to spot us with a houseful of active, grubby children, no car, no dishwasher, a ringer washing machine and cloth diapers drying in the basement all winter, three meals from scratch for the 24 years straight she had a young child underfoot, and the 37 years she had a child under the roof (Actually, she cooked for 69 years, but the last half was sans kids). Like something out of a Monty Python skit. ("You had a packing case? Pure luxury!":D )

 

Personally I have no problem with what they are doing at home maybe because my mental picture isn't as harsh as some people's seems to be. But I do think it is unreasonable to forbid others to relate to babies or toddlers in their own way if that way is not actually harmful to the child. I tended to talk to my toddlers in bigger words (my dh burst out laughing once when he heard me asking my toddler to "comply"). But I wouldn't police every person who asked them about the "horsies". It's the same thing to me for the physical adventures. Just put the ladders away at Grandmas or if they are visiting and allow them to coo a bit.

[*Inna*]

Pffffft, everybody knows that The Belly Button Book is the best of them all :D

 

I disagree. But Not the Hippopotamus is the best Boyton book. (I have much of it memorized, lol):D

 

You both are SO wrong! The "Birthday Monsters" is the best! Closely followed by "Hippos Go Berserk". So there. :tongue_smilie:

[Impish]

Psychologically, it is fascinating how "undesirable" the word independence is on this thread. I always thought of it as desirable, and wonder what a group of non-hs mothers would rate it at. But then, I am from a family that valued independence very much. And, there would have been strict forbidding of ladder climbing: Mother didn't have time to hold us by the waist to spot us with a houseful of active, grubby children, no car, no dishwasher, a ringer washing machine and cloth diapers drying in the basement all winter, three meals from scratch for the 24 years straight she had a young child underfoot, and the 37 years she had a child under the roof (Actually, she cooked for 69 years, but the last half was sans kids). Like something out of a Monty Python skit. ("You had a packing case? Pure luxury!":D )

Personally, I don't find anything wrong with independence, just not something I particularily find the need to set up and create boundaries around when it comes to toddlers.

 

Maybe b/c my toddlers were all h*ll bent for leather on doing their own thing?

 

I am also in the category of parent that when a little one takes a tumble to *not* rush over and fuss, but to call out, "Whoops! Up you get!" as I make my way over to them. 9 times out of 10, they'd be off and running without even a once over from me.

 

That being said...Grandparents tend to be a bit more fussy. I always figured it was just part of the luxury of not being the parent, and being able to be more indulgent. My Dad, my 6 ft+, bearded, 270 lb+, truck driving Dad was the WORST with my babies! He looks, and generally acts, like the typical gruff guy, but my eldest wiped out on ceramic tile once in front of him, and I thought my Dad was going to have a complete breakdown! Whole 'pick him up, coo, cuddle, rock, head off to get some ice cream, not let the kid down for over an hour' overreaction. And there are FOUR of us kids! He was *never* like that with us, :lol: And there's not a big age gap either, my parents are only 20 yrs older than I!

[DusksAngel]

My Dad, my 6 ft+, bearded, 270 lb+, truck driving Dad was the WORST with my babies! He looks, and generally acts, like the typical gruff guy, but my eldest wiped out on ceramic tile once in front of him, and I thought my Dad was going to have a complete breakdown! Whole 'pick him up, coo, cuddle, rock, head off to get some ice cream, not let the kid down for over an hour' overreaction. And there are FOUR of us kids! He was *never* like that with us, :lol: And there's not a big age gap either, my parents are only 20 yrs older than I!

 

I agree, my mother is NOT the woman I grew up with. I've called her on it (jokingly, I have no desire to die!) and she informed me that she didn't have to RAISE her grandkids and that her job was to have fun and spoil them!

[8circles]

I'm finding this thread pretty interesting since I've been thinking about my MIL lately & our issues.

 

First, OP - I want to say that I don't have a problem at all with a toddler doing lots of supervised climbing.

 

I find myself in the complete opposite position as many of you regarding MIL. I think I have pretty healthy balance between not fussing over minor spills & coddling an almost-baby. MIL thinks I'm WAY too fussy/finicky with the kids. I'm supposed to just let them scream their heads off when being held by someone they don't want, even when I'm standing right there because "they're OK - they're not hurt". Or its OK to take my older kids in her car without a carseat (legally should still be in boosters) because she did it with her kids & she's a good driver. Makes me crazy & envious of your compassionate MIL.

[8circles]

I agree, my mother is NOT the woman I grew up with. I've called her on it (jokingly, I have no desire to die!) and she informed me that she didn't have to RAISE her grandkids and that her job was to have fun and spoil them!

:iagree:I've called my parents on it too.

[Greta]

Dh and I have figured stuff out on our own for a long time. It really gets on my nerves and I don't know if it is because I am old and set in my ways, if their expectations are unreasonable or something else that is the problem. I really don't want others to raise dd. I more expect grandparents to do fun things with their grandkids and let us be the parents. We have been trying to get dd to be independent, confident, and always be willing to stretch what she can do. They really don't like this.

 

When I read this, I was picturing a pre-teen or teenage girl. I was very surprised to get to your signature and realize you were talking about a girl who is fifteen *months* rather than fifteen *years* old! :)

 

As someone who was raised with a very strict mom and a very indulgent granny, I can assure you that grandma is not going to do any harm to your daughter by picking her up when she falls or fusses. Truly, grandparents are a blessing to children even when they are radically different from the parents. Sometimes, especially so. None of us grandchildren were spoiled or ruined by my granny's pampering. It was actually a real blessing to have it, to know we were loved completely unconditionally, to feel like we could let our hair down and be ourselves and be adored anyway.

 

Try not to see your MIL as just your MIL. She is your daughter's grandma. And a grandma is a blessing and a treasure.

 

:grouphug:

[songsparrow]

But I do think it is unreasonable to forbid others to relate to babies or toddlers in their own way if that way is not actually harmful to the child.

:iagree:

[Kipling]

OP, I do not think you're being unreasonable.

 

Yes, 15 months old is young, but a child of that age is perfectly capable of learning the things that you want to teach her. IMO, it sounds like you are a firm, but loving mother who provides her child with a safe and enjoyable environment to grow, develop, and learn.

 

Regarding the MIL, IF you only saw the MIL for short, occasional visits, I would say not to worry about the issues you mentioned. Your time with your daughter would override any "untraining" from your MIL. However, you say that you are now living near her for part of the time. Presumably, your dd will be spending a significant amount of time with her grandmother, and I do think that could be harmful to your goals as a parent.

 

I saw this type of thing in a child I used to watch. He was near my own dd's age, but was much more "babied," you might say. When he was here, I expected certain things from him that his mother did not think he could/would do. At my house he would do those things, but then when mom came, he would revert back to being "unable" to do them.

 

If your dd spends a lot of time with grandma, she will learn that some things are OK with grandma that are not OK with you. Right now, she's learning it's OK to fuss for Grandma but not OK to fuss for mom. Perhaps that's not such a big deal (as many people on this board feel), but where will it stop? When she's 5, will she learn that it's OK to watch TV at Grandma's but not at mom's? When she's 15, will it be that it's OK to have boys over to grandma's house and not at mom's? Perhaps I'm going overboard, but I do see the importance of establishing firmer boundaries IF your dd will be spending a lot of time with grandma.

 

So, that's my opinion. We've had to set some boundaries with our own parents. It's never fun in the moment, but it has been helpful. And, when we've talked with them, it's always been me with MY parents or DH with HIS parents. IOW, I won't talk to my MIL about an issue like that, but my DH will do it on OUR behalf.

 

Also, FTR, when my dd was 18 months old, my dh put a new roof on the house. We have pictures of my dd climbing the ladder and then standing on the roof. (For all the worrywarts out there, yes there was always someone there to catch her if needed and someone on the roof to hold her hand.)