s/o marriage...

[Evergreen State Sue]

I didn't expect him to change nor expect him to stay the same. I just expected our core values would stay the same and anything else would get changed or molded into something together naturally.

 

I didn't read the other responses. I hope this is what you meant. Now I'm wondering if you're talking about appearance.

[eewaggie99]

I'm pretty shocked that so many are voting "expected to change," unless I'm just seeing the question a different way. Why would you marry someone expecting them to be different in X,Y,Z way eventually? My entire philosophy on choosing a spouse is, "Look hard. What you see is what you get." If you marry someone who's dopey with money, do you expect they will become brilliant with money eventually? I mean, it's nice if you get that, but I'd never count on it. Do they smoke when you meet them? I hope you like smoking, then. Are they affectionate? Health-conscious? Good with kids? Kind to Mom? I expected my husband to stay the same in terms of all major aspects of his personality and lifestyle and I'm sure he expected the same from me.

 

Now - did I think he would have a sz 32 waist for the rest of our lives, never get a grey beard, never earn crow's feet working in the sun? Of course not! He's not a mannequin, so obviously, he has aged! He's still kind of a hunky babe, though, and I expected it! :D

This this this! I'm still shocked at some of the responses thus far. I wasn't saying I didn't expect physical change, but for my dh as a person (the man I fell in love with), I didn't expect a fundamental change. I think there is a level of a nuance assumed in the question that I didn't assume. I expected we would grow and mature but our fundamental selves wouldn't change.

[Guest]

I knew I would change over time and expected him to as well.

[Night Elf]

I answered the poll with my first marriage in mind because I didn't have the experience like I had when I got married the second time. I was really naive and believed that LOVE would make everything okay all the time. I fully believed that because I loved him (first husband) that he would change some of his ways because he loved me too. Um.. yeah.

 

DH and I are actually happy that we both had previous marriages. We believe that our experiences, both good and bad, really helped us to learn how to be better spouses. We're not, not, not saying this is a true statement for everyone. Please note my disclaimer: This is why I bolded the personal pronouns because this belief pertains to us personally.

[Susan in TN]

I expected him to stay the same. We've both changed a great deal, although I think some of it is a matter of really getting to know each other and basic maturing. We married pretty young.

[Impish]

I'm pretty shocked that so many are voting "expected to change," unless I'm just seeing the question a different way. Why would you marry someone expecting them to be different in X,Y,Z way eventually? My entire philosophy on choosing a spouse is, "Look hard. What you see is what you get." If you marry someone who's dopey with money, do you expect they will become brilliant with money eventually? I mean, it's nice if you get that, but I'd never count on it. Do they smoke when you meet them? I hope you like smoking, then. Are they affectionate? Health-conscious? Good with kids? Kind to Mom? I expected my husband to stay the same in terms of all major aspects of his personality and lifestyle and I'm sure he expected the same from me.

 

Now - did I think he would have a sz 32 waist for the rest of our lives, never get a grey beard, never earn crow's feet working in the sun? Of course not! He's not a mannequin, so obviously, he has aged! He's still kind of a hunky babe, though, and I expected it! :D

I put that I expected change, because that's what happens in life. Grow, mature...change happens.

 

I also said that I didn't expect that his foundation of who he was would change.

 

Life changes things, including people. Not usually the foundation of who they are, but there are changes along the way. I was a parent before we married, Wolf wasn't. I knew that parenting would change him in some ways, and further change him with the birth of another child. It did.

 

Job loss, financial hardships, health issues...these have changed us. Who we are at heart is the same, but we're more patient, have more grace and forgiveness, grown closer through our struggles.

 

I didn't intend/set out to change him. People are not home improvement projects. But ppl aren't cast in stone, either. To expect anyone to stay exactly the same as their wedding day is both unrealistic, and does a disservice to them and their spouse.

[Night Elf]

I'm sort of scratching my head as well. Why would I fall in love with one sort of man and then expect him to become another sort of man?

 

Well, I got married when I was 19 years old and I didn't really understand what it meant to be married. I expected him to be my knight in shining armor, protecting me from all ills of the world, and treating me like a princess. He didn't treat me like that when he was my boyfriend, but I just sort of assumed that making our relationship permanent with a formal marriage certificate meant the relationship would just naturally fall into that fantasy category. Maybe I didn't really understand because I didn't grow up with married parents.

[RahRah]

Change. Human beings are not static. They grow, mature, change in many, many ways.

 

However, the basic foundation of *who* he is, I expected to stay the same.

 

:iagree:

 

That's why I voted "other" since I wasn't sure if the implication was they needed to change because of some flaw or defect or that they'd change because that's life and we're always growing and changing - it's the core, the moral compass, that one hopes remains throughout!

[leeannpal]

I expect his character to remain the same, but that most other things will change.

Me too!

[kalanamak]

When you got married, did you expect your spouse to change or to pretty much stay the same?

 

He was in his 50s and I expected him to stay the same. He has actually changed more than I expected, but not as much as I (secretly) hoped.

 

My mother gave very little advice (unless specifically asked). One of the three points I ever heard her make was don't marry a man with the intention of changing him, you won't.

 

(The other two were

1) don't shut down the lunch counter when you are pregnant (and I was fully 24 years old before I knew what she meant) and

2) Don't sign anything without reading it, even if your husband sticks it in front of your nose.)

[Pretty in Pink]

Of course I expected that he would change. I expected that I would change, too. Life would be quite boring if everyone just stayed the same, and we were fairly young when we married.

[Mom22ns]

Change. Human beings are not static. They grow, mature, change in many, many ways.

 

However, the basic foundation of *who* he is, I expected to stay the same.

 

:iagree:

(that is the second time in 5 min I've agreed w/Imp)

 

I didn't expect him to change for me or change who he was, but I did understand that he would grow and change.

[Denise in Florida]

I was so young when I got married that I didn't have the sense to even ask myself the question! :001_smile:

 

:iagree::iagree::lol:

 

I marked 'expect to change' because if I thought about it at all I would have expected teenagers to change as they grew up.

 

To the OP: I did not expect him to change as in 'I'll fix this or that' but as in 'if you are married for most of your life, you are going to change.'

[Mommyfaithe]

Change. Human beings are not static. They grow, mature, change in many, many ways.

 

However, the basic foundation of *who* he is, I expected to stay the same.

 

:iagree:

I voted change...because we all grow and mature. I am so blessed to be doing that with my dh.

 

Faithe

[SnowWhite]

I voted other.

 

I expected his character, beliefs, convictions, habits, hobbies, interests, values and personality to stay the same.

 

I expected his body to change as everyone's does... he'd likely put on a few pounds, lose a bit of hair, add some wrinkles. I expected he'd change with experience as everyone does... certain aspects of his personality would mellow, others sharpen with age. (Ie, his sense of humor is now more mature, but he is a bit more cynical and less trusting).

 

Naturally some of this is hindsight, but I have to say that in most respects marriage has mirrored my expectations.

[angela in ohio]

We were fairly young, so I expected we would both change a lot. And because we married young, we have matured together. :001_smile: I wouldn't want to marry a man who didn't mature and grow as he got older! We consider it part of being a Christian to be constantly searching out our sin and shortcomings and prayerfully making changes in those areas.

[lionfamily1999]

Maybe I'm just not understanding the question as it's meant.

 

When I met dh at the tender age of 19 (my age, not his), some of what I perceived about him were these things:

He is physically active and athletic

He likes exciting and dangerous sports

He has a good head for business

He's very spatial; good at building things

He's a very devoted son and brother

He's a good conversationalist

He's a horrible, horrible speller who regularly abuses punctuation. :D

 

I expected those things to stay the same. I didn't think, say, that he would realize that racing motorcycles is dangerous and take up knitting instead. He hasn't. I didn't think he would suddenly become a great lover of books and pen a novel. He hasn't. I didn't think he would get a fickle idea into his head and move across the country, away from his family. He hasn't.

 

There are things that have changed; for example, his political views (and mine) and some of what we think about faith over the years. But nothing that would be a fundamental opposite of who I married. So...I don't know, maybe I still don't get what people are thinking with "expect them to change."

Dh's priorities have all changed and that's changed a lot of who he is. He rides a motorcycle, but it isn't number one anymore. It gets put behind a lot of other stuff. He doesn't ride as fast anymore, because he has children that rely on him, his life is more important you could say. He doesn't see travel as being the be all end all anymore.

 

Really, he's very different from the man I married. :shrug: We both assumed this would happen, and I'm pretty sure most of our friends thought the same way before their marraiges (that's why they all waited way longer than we did :p , we're not scared of the change). We're both very different.

This this this! I'm still shocked at some of the responses thus far. I wasn't saying I didn't expect physical change, but for my dh as a person (the man I fell in love with), I didn't expect a fundamental change. I think there is a level of a nuance assumed in the question that I didn't assume. I expected we would grow and mature but our fundamental selves wouldn't change.

I think our growth and maturity has changed our fundamental selves, though, so perhaps that is the disconnect. Dh and I have been changed, fundamentally, by our experiences.

:iagree:

(that is the second time in 5 min I've agreed w/Imp)

 

I didn't expect him to change for me or change who he was, but I did understand that he would grow and change.

Me too :D

[lionfamily1999]

We were fairly young, so I expected we would both change a lot. And because we married young, we have matured together. :001_smile: I wouldn't want to marry a man who didn't mature and grow as he got older! We consider it part of being a Christian to be constantly searching out our sin and shortcomings and prayerfully making changes in those areas.

Us too, but I agree with the idea that change is a part of being a Christian (if you aren't changing, you aren't growing) so while our youth made it obviously expectable, I'd think it would be expected regardless of age.

:iagree:

I voted change...because we all grow and mature. I am so blessed to be doing that with my dh.

 

Faithe

:iagree:

[Lolly]

I didn't really have any expectations. I didn't even think about stuff like that at the time.

[Ginevra]

This this this! I'm still shocked at some of the responses thus far. I wasn't saying I didn't expect physical change, but for my dh as a person (the man I fell in love with), I didn't expect a fundamental change. I think there is a level of a nuance assumed in the question that I didn't assume. I expected we would grow and mature but our fundamental selves wouldn't change.

 

Yeah, I'm getting that, too. :confused:

 

I don't know why anyone would expect a fundamental change. I don't really think people are apt to fundamentally change except in rare circumstances. So - there are some people who have a religious experience, say, that fundamentally changes them. That could happen, but I wouldn't expect it. And I wouldn't marry someone with characteristics that could only be changed if they had a religious epiphany.

[TravelingChris]

No, I didn't expect him to change in the important things like personality and general interests. I have to say that after being married for 26 years, he has stayed the same. He still likes to read,go bird watching, traveling, eating well, cooking, studying, and while he has added some new hobbies- woodworking for one, it really didn't come as a surprise. I haven't changed either in most regards. Now our physical has changed a lot- particularly with me since I have been chronically ill now for probably 25 years and definitely for 21 years.

[Rosie_0801]

Change. Human beings are not static. They grow, mature, change in many, many ways.

 

However, the basic foundation of *who* he is, I expected to stay the same.

 

:iagree:

 

There have been some changes here that are definitely not what you could call positive growth, but New Years resolutions can't change brain chemistry and we do the best we can. We've identified the problem, so now we're learning how to slap bandaids over it to reduce the impact.

 

Of course I expected to change him. And I expected him to change me. We play very large roles in helping each other grow, after all.

 

Rosie

[elise1mds]

I had to vote 'Other.' We'd known each other three months when we got married. I was 18, he was 21. I fully expected him to change - at least for our relationship to mature - as we got older. He did. He did NOT expect me to change, though, and after we'd been married about seven or eight years (we've been married 11 years at this point), it all came to a head and I had to literally sit down and tell him that I was NOT 18 years old any more and that I had two kids and a house that I'd been successfully running for the past X number of years. It was an ugly wake-up call for him, but it's helped a lot!

[Denisemomof4]

I *wanted* him to stay the same! He pretty much still is, he's just crankier these days. I don't blame him, we've had a HECK of a lot to deal with for about 5 years now. Thankfully, he's still devoted to me and he treats me like I'm the queen.:001_smile:

[Amy in NH]

When I married, I was mature enough to know that all healthy people grow and change. The trick to a good marriage is to grow and change together.

[Jean in Newcastle]

When I married, I was mature enough to know that all healthy people grow and change. The trick to a good marriage is to grow and change together.

 

Well said.:)

[Desert Rat]

I voted other. I was too young and stupid to think ahead. :)

[swimmermom3]

I voted "other," because while I expect my dh to stay fundamentally the person that I married, I would also expect growth and maturing. He has always been a kind person. I can't foresee that he would become an unkind person. That is what I mean about being "fundamentally" the person that I married.

[Crissy]

I expected that we would both grow and change. I believed we would both become better individuals and a better couple.

[Rosie_0801]

When I married, I was mature enough to know that all healthy people grow and change. The trick to a good marriage is to grow and change together.

 

The together bit sure is tricky...

 

Rosie

[Sahamamama]

When my husband and I first met (on eHarmony) :001_wub: I loved him because he is a truly good man.

 

 

 

• I expected his essential goodness and kindness to remain the same. It has.
  
• I expected his respect for me and courtesy towards me to remain the same. It has.
  
• I expected his past, his parents, and his upbringing to remain the same. Sigh. All this is the same. ;)
  
• I expected most of his physical features -- his beautiful eyes, hair coloring, basic shape -- to remain the same. A pound up, a pound down. More gray hair, less hair overall, but he's the same.
  
• I expected his maturity level to go up. It did, quite quickly. By necessity.
  
• I expected him to be a loving husband and father. He is.
  

 

:001_wub: Okay, I'm getting off this board now, I have to go find this man....

[mommaduck]

Change. Human beings are not static. They grow, mature, change in many, many ways.

 

However, the basic foundation of *who* he is, I expected to stay the same.

 

Well worded. :iagree:

[lionfamily1999]

Yeah, I'm getting that, too. :confused:

 

I don't know why anyone would expect a fundamental change. I don't really think people are apt to fundamentally change except in rare circumstances. So - there are some people who have a religious experience, say, that fundamentally changes them. That could happen, but I wouldn't expect it. And I wouldn't marry someone with characteristics that could only be changed if they had a religious epiphany.

I don't understand, you would not marry someone who could only be changed by a religious experience, but you wouldn't expect them to change either?

 

Dh and I have had some extremes in our marraige. It has changed both of us, fundamentally. Caring for his grandfather while he battled cancer, while I was pregnant with older ds, changed us. Facing an empty pantry with Grampa sick and me eight months along, dh out of work and finding out that our car kept us from being given food stamps, changed us. Taking turns, two years later, sitting with Grampa while he died, changed us. Losing Grampa, when it seemed like he was recovering changed us. A year later, losing our house when a hurricane picked up a tree and plunked it dead center down the length of the house changed us. Seeing the bed that dh almost spent the night in bearing the full weight of the trunk changed us.

 

We've both learned to rely on each other. We are... well, WE now. Not me and him, iykwIm. We've stopped trusting that we would have anything tomorrow, besides each other. We know that in reality we could lose the other, but neither of us dwell on it, because we know that we can survive anything together.

 

 

 

 

From dh.... so alcoholics shouldn't even cut back at all? Druggies should keep it up? Partiers should keep going out Saturday night? Gamblers should keep throwing that dice? And you should never shave your mustache. Ever. :roflol: Oh, and keep with whatever was the first thing you thought was cool (re, style). Oooh, and keep smoking. Don't buy a new car, don't move (ever). Don't take a better job. Don't change ever. :lol:

 

He's having fun with this... if he grows his hair back out to high school lengths I may have to post my own swan song :glare:

[Peela]

Hoped he would change? :)

[KnitWit]

Change. Human beings are not static. They grow, mature, change in many, many ways.

 

However, the basic foundation of *who* he is, I expected to stay the same.

 

this

[Ginevra]

I don't understand, you would not marry someone who could only be changed by a religious experience, but you wouldn't expect them to change either?

 

Dh and I have had some extremes in our marraige. It has changed both of us, fundamentally. Caring for his grandfather while he battled cancer, while I was pregnant with older ds, changed us. Facing an empty pantry with Grampa sick and me eight months along, dh out of work and finding out that our car kept us from being given food stamps, changed us. Taking turns, two years later, sitting with Grampa while he died, changed us. Losing Grampa, when it seemed like he was recovering changed us. A year later, losing our house when a hurricane picked up a tree and plunked it dead center down the length of the house changed us. Seeing the bed that dh almost spent the night in bearing the full weight of the trunk changed us.

 

We've both learned to rely on each other. We are... well, WE now. Not me and him, iykwIm. We've stopped trusting that we would have anything tomorrow, besides each other. We know that in reality we could lose the other, but neither of us dwell on it, because we know that we can survive anything together.

 

 

 

 

From dh.... so alcoholics shouldn't even cut back at all? Druggies should keep it up? Partiers should keep going out Saturday night? Gamblers should keep throwing that dice? And you should never shave your mustache. Ever. :roflol: Oh, and keep with whatever was the first thing you thought was cool (re, style). Oooh, and keep smoking. Don't buy a new car, don't move (ever). Don't take a better job. Don't change ever. :lol:

 

He's having fun with this... if he grows his hair back out to high school lengths I may have to post my own swan song :glare:

 

What I meant by the bold: I would not marry someone who was so messed up, only God could save him. I would not marry someone who used drugs. I would not marry someone who gambled regularly. I would not marry a heavy drinker. I would not marry anyone who had one or more character flaws that were so glaring and detrimental that the only hope I had for better was if he had a religious epiphany. I have seen people change who had an epiphany, but I think it's relatively rare.

 

Look - I get what you're saying about things you weather. We lost our baby girl at birth. It had a profound impact on both of us. In some ways, I changed for the better; I am more compassionate, I understand how crucial it is to help someone going through something like that, I realize that rain falls on the righteous and the unrighteous, which humbled me in a good way. In some ways, I changed not for the better. I am more fearful of my children or my husband dying abruptly. It's hard to feel safe when tragedy has struck before. It messed up my faith - shattered it, really - and I haven't glued that all back together again. BUT - I don't see that as fundamentally changing who I am. I still have the same overall personality. I still have the same overall habits. I still have the same likes and dislikes.

 

When we got married, of course we couldn't know what would come. We couldn't know about deaths and illnesses we'd go through or other ups and downs. But I didn't expect him to change fundamentally, and I am sure he didn't expect me to. And we haven't. Of course we knew there'd be grey hair and saggy b00ks and maybe even devastating medical experiences, but I didn't think he would become a different person.

 

When we were dating, he had a laundry system: This pile was dirty clothes, that pile was clean clothes. :glare: I wasn't a fan of that system. Early in our marriage, I would give him a basket of clean, folded clothes. There the basket would sit, with him living out of it, like a suitcase. Eventually, I just conceded that if I wanted clean clothing back in the dresser, it would probably have to be me who put it there. So that's what I do. There was no point nagging on him to put it away. He just doesn't care if it's in the dresser or handy right here in the basket. Why have a tension point on it? If I want the clothing in the dresser, I've just accepted that I need to put it there; waiting on him will cause needless aggravation. I know there is no point hoping he will change.

 

Anyway...I'm babbling now.

[AuntPol]

I voted other, change in some ways, stay the same in others :)

 

I too

 

Of course -he changed in the areas I would have preferred to stay the same and stayed the same in areas I would have preferred he changed.

 

Yet, I still love him.

[raceNzanesmom]

When you got married, did you expect your spouse to change or to pretty much stay the same?

 

I expected him to grow in maturity and wisdom. He expected the same of me.

[gardenmom5]

Are we talking about weight? income? personality?

 

It depends.

:iagree:

[gardenmom5]

Change. Human beings are not static. They grow, mature, change in many, many ways.

 

However, the basic foundation of *who* he is, I expected to stay the same.

:iagree:

[gardenmom5]

This is such a loaded question in a way. People change. You have to expect that. But there's a societal concept of the woman who marries a man in order to "fix" him.

 

and then there's the societal stereotype of the man who marries a woman expecting her to physically stay the same. . . .

 

both are naive at best.