s/o marriage...

[tntgoodwin]

When you got married, did you expect your spouse to change or to pretty much stay the same?

[DawnM]

Are we talking about weight? income? personality?

 

It depends.

[Impish]

Change. Human beings are not static. They grow, mature, change in many, many ways.

 

However, the basic foundation of *who* he is, I expected to stay the same.

[Mynyel]

I voted other, change in some ways, stay the same in others :)

[tntgoodwin]

Are we talking about weight? income? personality?

 

It depends.

 

Personality, habits, anything like that. Not neccessarily physical things or income.

[Joker]

We were only 21 and 25. I expected us both to change a lot and we have. I'm sure there is still more change to come.

[Farrar]

This is such a loaded question in a way. People change. You have to expect that. But there's a societal concept of the woman who marries a man in order to "fix" him. Or even the man who marries a woman in order to be "fixed." That's obviously a negative. When I read that question, it carries that sort of baggage.

 

For me, I expected us both to change and hopefully to grow and change together. And we have. :)

[LauraGB]

I expected he would grow up a little more as life came at us. I suppose that would be a change...but not so much a personality or character change.

[dcjlkplus3]

I expect his character to remain the same, but that most other things will change.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Personality, habits, anything like that. Not neccessarily physical things or income.

 

I hoped that we would both change some in personality and habits for the better because that would mean growth. But I didn't expect (and in 18 years of marriage haven't experienced) a total change in the basics of his character, which is a good thing, since that is why I married him.:001_wub:

[TheReader]

Change. Human beings are not static. They grow, mature, change in many, many ways.

 

However, the basic foundation of *who* he is, I expected to stay the same.

 

Yes, this.

[Crimson Wife]

I voted other, change in some ways, stay the same in others :)

 

:iagree:

[swellmomma]

I figured he would change to some extent and expected it. What I did not expect what how drastically he would change and how bad it would be.

[K-FL]

I put "stay the same" due to if you don't like who he is NOW, you'd better keep on looking. ;) I don't/didn't expect him to remain static, but who he is, is who he is (and me too for that matter.)

[KidsHappen]

I voted other. I did not have any expectations. I had a ten year failed marriage behind me. I know life happen and not always the way you expect it to.

[nono]

I expected him to change.

 

 

I didn't expect to change him. :)

[jewellsmommy]

Change. Human beings are not static. They grow, mature, change in many, many ways.

 

However, the basic foundation of *who* he is, I expected to stay the same.

 

 

:iagree: exactly.

[Truscifi]

I put other. I expected he would change his behavior when we had a child in order to be a good parent. But who he is as a person? No, I didn't expect that to change other than the normal maturing and growing we all do.

[Mrs Mungo]

Change. Human beings are not static. They grow, mature, change in many, many ways.

 

However, the basic foundation of *who* he is, I expected to stay the same.

 

I voted other, change in some ways, stay the same in others :)

 

This is such a loaded question in a way. People change. You have to expect that. But there's a societal concept of the woman who marries a man in order to "fix" him. Or even the man who marries a woman in order to be "fixed." That's obviously a negative. When I read that question, it carries that sort of baggage.

 

For me, I expected us both to change and hopefully to grow and change together. And we have. :)

 

:iagree: with all of these.

 

I never dated smokers because I *hate* smoking and would not expect them to change. I did expect us both to grow up and mature a lot since I was 20 and he was 21.

[BeautifulLife]

I put "stay the same" due to if you don't like who he is NOW, you'd better keep on looking. ;) I don't/didn't expect him to remain static, but who he is, is who he is (and me too for that matter.)

 

:iagree:It wasn't that I expected him NOT to change, I just believed that his character and personality were pretty much set. (Which I LOVE, btw...:))

[JaniceO]

I was 19 and he was 20. I expected him to change as in, we both still had a lot more growing up to do. His basic character stayed the same though.

[simka2]

:iagree:

I expected him to change.

 

 

I didn't expect to change him. :)

[lionfamily1999]

I voted that I expected him to change. People change, it happens, that's part of growing and no matter how old you are you continue to grow.

 

I'm wondering now if what was meant was, "Did you marry potential?" IOW, did you marry your spouse expecting them to change to fulfill your requirements. For me, absolutely not. I love dh. I loved him then for who he was, even the parts I didn't like I loved :p And now, it's much the same, even though everything is different. I love him the way he is and I love those things that drive me crazy (can't imagine life without them) even though I sometimes want to kick him in the shins for it :p

[lionfamily1999]

Personality, habits, anything like that. Not neccessarily physical things or income.

I still go with yes, even though I saw this after voting :lol:

 

Dh and I have both changed, drastically, in many departments. I'm much less of a wallflower and he's much less of a party animal (ptL). I'm stronger and he's more flexible :p We both wake up earlier and changed our morning routines.

 

I really think we've grown to fill in each other's gaps much better as well as balancing out our own personalities. We are very different people than the 19 and 24 year old that were married almost twelve years ago :D

[The Girls' Mom]

I think I expected him to change. Not the basics of who I fell in love with, but just in general as he aged. But we had a LOT of growing up to do.

[Crafty Mathy Mom]

I expected that we would both mature and grow as people. I was wrong. I grew up. He didn't.

[Nakia]

I didn't really know what to expect. We were 15 and 17 when we got together and 20 and 22 when we married. All I expected was to love him forever. Sounds cheesy, but it's true. Thirteen years later, we have both changed, and we are still crazy in love. :001_wub:

[Meriwether]

I said "expected to change" but I also meant "expected to stay the same". I expect his basic nature to stay the same, but I expect aging and changing interests as time goes on.

[Ginevra]

I'm pretty shocked that so many are voting "expected to change," unless I'm just seeing the question a different way. Why would you marry someone expecting them to be different in X,Y,Z way eventually? My entire philosophy on choosing a spouse is, "Look hard. What you see is what you get." If you marry someone who's dopey with money, do you expect they will become brilliant with money eventually? I mean, it's nice if you get that, but I'd never count on it. Do they smoke when you meet them? I hope you like smoking, then. Are they affectionate? Health-conscious? Good with kids? Kind to Mom? I expected my husband to stay the same in terms of all major aspects of his personality and lifestyle and I'm sure he expected the same from me.

 

Now - did I think he would have a sz 32 waist for the rest of our lives, never get a grey beard, never earn crow's feet working in the sun? Of course not! He's not a mannequin, so obviously, he has aged! He's still kind of a hunky babe, though, and I expected it! :D

[Pamela H in Texas]

When I put "expected," I didn't mean about me changing him. I meant that we were very young when we got together. Of course, we were going to change. I had seen my parents change in time. Everyone changes. Beliefs change, physical things change, needs change, habits change, etc. It just is life. Sometimes the changes are for good; sometimes for bad. But to expect that people won't change in 10, 30, 50 years? I find that weird. Experience shapes people. Just as the first 15-25 years shaped him, the next will also.

 

ETA: Trying again after reading a post above: Okay, you meet someone at 20 years old. That person is who they are because of, despite, etc the experiences they've had. They have had multiple inputs of experience. To think they won't change in 20 more years is weird to me. Seriously, they are going to have a lot of experiences from a multitude of inputs over the next 20 years also! Now, the first 20 years may still have a pretty strong influence, of course; but he makes more choices about the influences the next 20 years. Seriously, he could grow in ways completely unrecognizable in any number of directions. But that isn't necessarily negative! Remember, his wife is taking this journey with him.

Edited August 12, 2011 by 2J5M9K

[Tutor]

Life is change.

[Joanne]

(posting without reading thread)

 

My xh didn't change. He was the same, I just discovered what that really wa.

 

My DH has changed significantly, which I now know to be health related.

[lionfamily1999]

I'm pretty shocked that so many are voting "expected to change," unless I'm just seeing the question a different way. Why would you marry someone expecting them to be different in X,Y,Z way eventually? My entire philosophy on choosing a spouse is, "Look hard. What you see is what you get." If you marry someone who's dopey with money, do you expect they will become brilliant with money eventually? I mean, it's nice if you get that, but I'd never count on it. Do they smoke when you meet them? I hope you like smoking, then. Are they affectionate? Health-conscious? Good with kids? Kind to Mom? I expected my husband to stay the same in terms of all major aspects of his personality and lifestyle and I'm sure he expected the same from me.

 

Now - did I think he would have a sz 32 waist for the rest of our lives, never get a grey beard, never earn crow's feet working in the sun? Of course not! He's not a mannequin, so obviously, he has aged! He's still kind of a hunky babe, though, and I expected it! :D

I always expected us both to change as we grew older. Our priorities would change, how we saw the world would change, our habits would change, &tc. We've been married almost 12 years and so far I've been right. We've both changed a great deal.

 

I was worried that the assumption with the question (after I voted it occurred to me) was that I married a man I thought had potential. That's not why I expected. I expected change, because I expect everyone to change as they grow.

[LibraryLover]

I would not expect dh's basic personality to change, barring dementia or neuro damage. He's a funny, hardworking, and emotionally generous man. That's who I married. His parents were nearly 60 when I met them. In that way, I had a fairly good idea of how he would age. ;)

 

We've been married over 23 years and he hasn't changed much, except to grow in patience. I am a little higher maintenance in the emotional needs department. ;) Shocking eh? lol

 

We've had ups and downs and lots of fun, along with great arguments. ;) Our lives have changed radically over the years, but our basic beliefs and personalities haven't. He still knows what makes me laugh. lol

Edited August 12, 2011 by LibraryLover

[Ginevra]

I always expected us both to change as we grew older. Our priorities would change, how we saw the world would change, our habits would change, &tc. We've been married almost 12 years and so far I've been right. We've both changed a great deal.

 

I was worried that the assumption with the question (after I voted it occurred to me) was that I married a man I thought had potential. That's not why I expected. I expected change, because I expect everyone to change as they grow.

 

Maybe I'm just not understanding the question as it's meant.

 

When I met dh at the tender age of 19 (my age, not his), some of what I perceived about him were these things:

He is physically active and athletic

He likes exciting and dangerous sports

He has a good head for business

He's very spatial; good at building things

He's a very devoted son and brother

He's a good conversationalist

He's a horrible, horrible speller who regularly abuses punctuation. :D

 

I expected those things to stay the same. I didn't think, say, that he would realize that racing motorcycles is dangerous and take up knitting instead. He hasn't. I didn't think he would suddenly become a great lover of books and pen a novel. He hasn't. I didn't think he would get a fickle idea into his head and move across the country, away from his family. He hasn't.

 

There are things that have changed; for example, his political views (and mine) and some of what we think about faith over the years. But nothing that would be a fundamental opposite of who I married. So...I don't know, maybe I still don't get what people are thinking with "expect them to change."

[Parrothead]

I expected both of us to grow and change in positive ways. I did not expect either of us to change our basic personalities or change in negative/abusive ways.

[swellmomma]

Maybe I'm just not understanding the question as it's meant.

 

When I met dh at the tender age of 19 (my age, not his), some of what I perceived about him were these things:

He is physically active and athletic

He likes exciting and dangerous sports

He has a good head for business

He's very spatial; good at building things

He's a very devoted son and brother

He's a good conversationalist

He's a horrible, horrible speller who regularly abuses punctuation. :D

 

I expected those things to stay the same. I didn't think, say, that he would realize that racing motorcycles is dangerous and take up knitting instead. He hasn't. I didn't think he would suddenly become a great lover of books and pen a novel. He hasn't. I didn't think he would get a fickle idea into his head and move across the country, away from his family. He hasn't.

 

There are things that have changed; for example, his political views (and mine) and some of what we think about faith over the years. But nothing that would be a fundamental opposite of who I married. So...I don't know, maybe I still don't get what people are thinking with "expect them to change."

 

See when I first was with my now ex dh, and when we first had kids etc, he was hard working, in the military, focused on the family we were making etc. I figured over time as we grew and matured that some aspects would change, just as they did with me.

 

What I did expect was for us to change and improve how we related to each other, communication etc. Mainly to mature as we got older together. I knew having kids together was going to cause changes in us both. those sorts of things is what I thought about when I answered the poll as a yes, change.

 

What I did not expect was that he would leave the military, turn into an alcoholic, decide he could not stand his family, and cross the line into abuse. That sort of change I never expected. Nor did I think that when we first started out that I would be able to change him to suddenly love cooking, and reading and museums etc.

 

I would not get into a relationship now with the thoughts that I could make the guy what I want, to "fix" him, or change someone distant from his own kids into a family man etc. That sort of expectation of change would be foolish.

 

It all depends how you interpet having someone change kwim

[simka2]

Maybe I'm just not understanding the question as it's meant.

 

When I met dh at the tender age of 19 (my age, not his), some of what I perceived about him were these things:

He is physically active and athletic

He likes exciting and dangerous sports

He has a good head for business

He's very spatial; good at building things

He's a very devoted son and brother

He's a good conversationalist

He's a horrible, horrible speller who regularly abuses punctuation. :D

 

I expected those things to stay the same. I didn't think, say, that he would realize that racing motorcycles is dangerous and take up knitting instead. He hasn't. I didn't think he would suddenly become a great lover of books and pen a novel. He hasn't. I didn't think he would get a fickle idea into his head and move across the country, away from his family. He hasn't.

 

There are things that have changed; for example, his political views (and mine) and some of what we think about faith over the years. But nothing that would be a fundamental opposite of who I married. So...I don't know, maybe I still don't get what people are thinking with "expect them to change."

 

I agree that the question was very vague :D. I married at 19 and marked that I thought he would change.

 

I expected to grow old with him...so I expected his physical apperance to change. He came from a very conservative, white bread and hotdish type of family, but I sensed that would change...it has! He was very innocent and even naive about many things, I expected that to change.

There are others that I am not considering right now, but those were the biggies.

 

Part of it is how you view the question. I knew dh was a "thinker." I also knew that political parties rarely stay true to the way they start out. So I could predict that with enough time dh's political affiliations would change.

[LibraryLover]

 

. But nothing that would be a fundamental opposite of who I married. So...I don't know, maybe I still don't get what people are thinking with "expect them to change."

 

 

I'm sort of scratching my head as well. Why would I fall in love with one sort of man and then expect him to become another sort of man?

[Shawna in Texas]

He was 19 and I was 20 when we married. Honestly, the thought of change hadn't crossed our minds at the time. I mean, physically, I knew we would grow older and look differently, but I never thought about it.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Well, I think because of the fact that I was about to turn 33 and dh was 43 when we got married, I realized that he was an old dog and wasn't about to learn any new tricks.

[MamaT]

I was so young when I got married that I didn't have the sense to even ask myself the question! :001_smile:

[higginszoo]

There was nothing specific that I wanted to change, but I didn't think that with a history of 50 year marriages on both sides that he'd stay the same for that long, either.

[LarlaB]

DH & I married right after we turned 20, and yes I expected that we would both change in that we would flex, grow, adapt to whatever life brings our way. I resemble who I was 15 years ago, but am greatly changed.

 

After all, who is the same at 20 and 30 and 40 etc? Our perspectives, responsibilities, life experience, careers and personalities have changed as we've ticked off 15 years of life together. Add in becoming parents, making it through 3 grad school degrees, major career change, family crisis, loss/grief etc...and well, I'd expect that any healthy person would change/adapt to life.

[Caterpiller]

I got married when I was 17 and I didn't think about weither he would change or not.

[Ginevra]

I'm sort of scratching my head as well. Why would I fall in love with one sort of man and then expect him to become another sort of man?

 

Shew! I thought I was just incredibly dense or something!:D

[amy g.]

Okay, my oldest just turned 17 today. I can't IMAGINE her getting married!

[sassenach]

Both.

[HRAAB]

I took you to mean about certain habits and traits. I didn't marry my dh with the expectation that these basic personal habits/traits would change. I've seen to many unhappy spouses that married with that expectation. However, I had every hope that we would grow together, find new likes that we share and help each become a better person.

 

And those irritating habits he had when we married (thinking of a few specific ones), well yeah, he still has them. I suppose I do, too.

[eewaggie99]

I haven't read responses but I was married relatively young amongst my friends and family (right after college) and I never expected my spouse to change. As we've gotten older, we've both learned the benefits of compromise, but I can't believe someone would go into a marriage expecting change from their S/O. If change comes, it must be motivated by the person within.