Kari C in SC Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 (edited) Okay, when I wonder if I am being irrational, I often think in my mind that I should ask the hive. So here goes... My niece is Jo is getting married at the end of July. My other niece (Jo's sister - Tabi) planned a manicure time the day before the wedding. Tabi called my mom and told her about it mentioning it was for the bridal party. My mom said how my sister, Michelle, would love to go. Here is the background on my sister - she is in her mid 40's and disabled. She has diabetes, a brain lesion related to diabetes and multiple other issues. She is divorced, her only child passed away when he was 3 months old, she lives with my mom and basically deals with health issues as her whole life. She, in the past, did have emotional issues, but for the last several years had been very stable on meds. She doesn't have much to look forward to besides Curves and church choir. She is a girly girl and loves getting her nails done etc. She has spent the last 26 years being the best aunt anyone could ask for in part because she doesn't have her own kids. She loves our nieces more than anything and would be very excited to spend time with them getting a manicure. We are traveling 7.5 hours to get there and spending part of the day before making up all the fruit boats for the reception. So... my nieces tell her no, she is not welcome to go get her nail done. It is for the bridal party only. My question is - is that rude or not? I feel it is tacky and rude. What does it hurt to let her aunt come get her nails done with you? My 12 year old dd is in the wedding. I have decided to not let her attend this manicure because I believe it is hurtful. I will take her to get her nails done WITH her aunt. What does the hive think? ETA - Each member of the bridal party is paying for their own manicure. My sister had offered to pay for both of our nieces. Jo's was already be taken care of by the bridesmaids, so she offered to cover the other one. My sister also sent $150 to cover the wedding cake even though she lives on Social Security Disability. Edited June 30, 2011 by Kari C in SC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 My first thought is who is paying for the manicures? Often it is a gift from the mother of the groom or it is a gift from the bride to her bridesmaides. Sometimes, it is a 'gift' from the hair salon who does the hair for the brides and bridesmaids. It might not be possible to just add on another person who isn't in the bridal party. However, if it were me, that would be part of the explanation. I would be hurt for your aunt, but not besides myself with anger. But, I would be disappointed in your niece that she couldn't find a way to make it happen. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kari C in SC Posted June 30, 2011 Author Share Posted June 30, 2011 My first thought is who is paying for the manicures? Often it is a gift from the mother of the groom or it is a gift from the bride to her bridesmaides. Sometimes, it is a 'gift' from the hair salon who does the hair for the brides and bridesmaids. It might not be possible to just add on another person who isn't in the bridal party. However, if it were me, that would be part of the explanation. I would be hurt for your aunt, but not besides myself with anger. But, I would be disappointed in your niece that she couldn't find a way to make it happen. Everyone is paying for themselves. My sister actually was planning to pay for both of the nieces. The appointment was just set up and it was not limited to a certain number, etc. Good point on the cost though. I should have included that info. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 I think that even if it was being paid for as a wedding package, they could have let your mom know that there would be a fee, but the aunt would be welcome to come. I also think that you are doing the right thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 well, jeepers, in that case what is the problem? Sheesh! Now, I would be annoyed. Ok, not enough to cause a family rift but enough to be peeved. And I think you are correct to take your daughter and your aunt off to get it done together. I would do the same. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 (edited) Your mom shouldn't have invited someone else to the session for your niece. Ay yi yi. That opened a can of worms, didn't it? :tongue_smilie: Once the can was opened, Tabi probably should have said, "Sure, let Auntie come along!" But your mom should not have taken it upon herself to invite someone else to the wedding party event. Is there a risk that if Auntie comes along that other people will expect to be invited, too? And if they're not ALL invited, will there be even more hurt feelings? ETA: Wait...I just read your update: So the uninvited Auntie is paying for the nails? Was it her idea for them to get their nails done, and she to pay for it...or did she hear that they were already getting their nails done, and THEN offered to pay? If it was her idea, then she'd have invited herself along ("Let's all get our nails done--I'm paying!"). If she offered to pay after the fact, then they probably should have invited her to join them. Edited June 30, 2011 by Garga Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 If you have a rule, and you don't invoke the rule, ESPECIALLY in a wedding, it will boomerang on you in ways you can't begin to imagine. It's for the wedding party, and no exceptions, or many many many exceptions. It's too bad, but that's just the way it is. Plus, it is rude to ever ask that someone else be invited. It puts the host/hostess in a terrible position. The best thing is to ask about inclusion in a roundabout way, so that no one has to have a confrontation. I'm usually very direct (ask anyone!) but I've seen this go so sideways so often. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Lulu* Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 I voted no, but it really does depend on the circumstances and formality of the wedding. In very formal or large weddings there seems to be a stronger inclination to follow more rigid guidelines and customs. Is there something in the family dynamic that would make your nieces believe that adding the aunt would add tension/stress? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathmom Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 So, am I understanding this correctly - the very person paying for one manicure (and offered to pay for the bride's also) is the one not being allowed to attend? Are you kidding me? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kari C in SC Posted June 30, 2011 Author Share Posted June 30, 2011 Your mom shouldn't have invited someone else to the session for your niece. Ay yi yi. That opened a can of worms, didn't it? :tongue_smilie: Once the can was opened, Tabi probably should have said, "Sure, let Auntie come along!" But your mom should not have taken it upon herself to invite someone else to the wedding party event. Is there a risk that if Auntie comes along that other people will expect to be invited, too? And if they're not ALL invited, will there be even more hurt feelings? ETA: Wait...I just read your update: So the uninvited sister is paying for the nails? Was it her idea for them to get their nails done, and she to pay for it...or did she hear that they were already getting their nails done, and THEN offered to pay? If it was her idea, then she'd have invited herself along ("Let's all get our nails done--I'm paying!). If she offered to pay after the fact, then they should have invited her to join them. It was not my sister's idea to get the nails done. In the past, before the appointment had been set, she had told them she would be happy to pay for it. When they were just discussing wedding plans. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAmom Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 I understand what Carol in Cal is saying.... But, if I were the bride I would make that exception and let her come along. I don't really see what the big deal is, especially if I didn't have to pay for her. I guess since your niece was asked and said no, then I would just leave it at that and not start a family feud over it (not saying you are...). What does your niece's mom think? I guess, not knowing these people at all (so maybe they are too sensitive), I would myself (if I were you) ask the niece her thoughts on it. Maybe she has a good logical reason or maybe she just said no without thinking about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GWOB Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 This is a tough one. I get the whole "wedding party only" thing. I would understand if someone close to the bride/groom was paying for the manicures. However, it seems as though this is a "Let's all get our nails done at the same time and pay for it ourselves" kind of thing. In that case your sis should totally be allowed to show up and get her nails done at the salon. It's a public place, right? Weddings are intended to be a celebration of a couple's life together. Many people, especially close family members, support the couple. It sounds as though your sis has supported your neice through life. I'm sure she will support your neice through her married life. She should be allowed to go. FTR, I think rules are made to be broken. If there is a rule about only allowing bridal party members, it definitely should be broker for your sis. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kari C in SC Posted June 30, 2011 Author Share Posted June 30, 2011 I voted no, but it really does depend on the circumstances and formality of the wedding. In very formal or large weddings there seems to be a stronger inclination to follow more rigid guidelines and customs. Is there something in the family dynamic that would make your nieces believe that adding the aunt would add tension/stress? No, this is not a large formal wedding. The wedding will take place at 10am followed by a small brunch in the church hall. My niece will be leaving for her honeymoon flight around 1pm. Not your traditional big wedding at all - sorta the reason we would like to spend more time with them PRIOR to the wedding because much of the family is traveling from 3 different states. I think my sister was envisioning a manicure with her 4 nieces (2 others are in the wedding). For a moment, before this fiasco, I was even considering getting my nails done because I was thinking when is the next time we will all be together for something like that. I tend to think that way since my son passed away - do things with family while you still can type of mentality. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 There is no way I'd not let my Aunt get her nails done. As much as the bride might want that time for her friends, I couldn't do it. I would sit there with a pit of acid in my stomach knowing I had been wretched to a person who loved me. The Aunt should have been asked. And I would be doing the same thing you are. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy in NH Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 The bridal party is sharing a special moment together. Auntie would be a third wheel grown-up when bride wants to have a last immature moment with friends before entering the adult world of married woman. Auntie should make a plan to get her nails done with niece on another visit. Auntie should make plans to get her nails done with other family members, at another salon, if she wants them done before the wedding. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 It does seem, from the outside, a little tacky not to let a loving aunt without much else going on in her life come along. On the other hand, beyond just formal rules about wedding parties and so forth, I also think it's the niece's wedding and it makes sense that she would want special time with her closest friends and family. If it were my family, I wouldn't raise a stink - this is the sort of thing that to me calls for diplomacy, not confrontation, which could just end up making the whole thing much worse. I might point out to the bride or the sister or whoever that this aunt would like to feel included in something and see if there's another activity going on that she might join in on, or figure out if there's some other way to create a special moment for her around the wedding. And, as you're all going to the wedding, it still might be fun for the extended family to go get manicures together as a separate thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sandsam Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Normally I would have thought it NOT rude to exclude someone. The group is the bridal party - clear boundaries. However, given the involvement and disabilities of the aunt, I think she should have been allowed to join. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kari C in SC Posted June 30, 2011 Author Share Posted June 30, 2011 The bridal party is sharing a special moment together. Auntie would be a third wheel grown-up when bride wants to have a last immature moment with friends before entering the adult world of married woman. Auntie should make a plan to get her nails done with niece on another visit. Auntie should make plans to get her nails done with other family members, at another salon, if she wants them done before the wedding. You may have a good point there. More background... My niece is 25 years old and has been a grown up living on her own for quite some time. The bridesmaids range in age from 12-30. The only way for my sister to see her is for me to drive her the 7.5 hours to there. She can only drive for short amounts of time in town. All of our female family members are in the wedding except for me, my sister and my mom. In other words, all of the female family that is traveling from out of state will be at the manicure. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GWOB Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 You may have a good point there. More background... My niece is 25 years old and has been a grown up living on her own for quite some time. The bridesmaids range in age from 12-30. The only way for my sister to see her is for me to drive her the 7.5 hours to there. She can only drive for short amounts of time in town. All of our female family members are in the wedding except for me, my sister and my mom. In other words, all of the female family that is traveling from out of state will be at the manicure. Ok. So you, your Mom, and your sis will be working behind the scenes to make your neice's day special, yet none of you are invited to the manicure party? Way tacky. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Ok. So you, your Mom, and your sis will be working behind the scenes to make your neice's day special, yet none of you are invited to the manicure party? Way tacky. what she said. seriously, life is just too short for that kind of crud Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kari C in SC Posted June 30, 2011 Author Share Posted June 30, 2011 Ok. So you, your Mom, and your sis will be working behind the scenes to make your neice's day special, yet none of you are invited to the manicure party? Way tacky. Exactly. While they are getting a manicure, we were asked to take care of the fruit boats. And PAY for the fruit to go with it - not including the $800 my mom, my sister and I have already sent to help with the wedding. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Exactly. While they are getting a manicure, we were asked to take care of the fruit boats. And PAY for the fruit to go with it - not including the $800 my mom, my sister and I have already sent to help with the wedding. *headdesk* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathmom Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Crash the manicure! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silliness7 Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 The bridal party is sharing a special moment together. Auntie would be a third wheel grown-up when bride wants to have a last immature moment with friends before entering the adult world of married woman. Auntie should make a plan to get her nails done with niece on another visit. Auntie should make plans to get her nails done with other family members, at another salon, if she wants them done before the wedding. :iagree: 100% The bride was probably envisioning a certain social dynamic that could very possibly be altered by a "third wheel grown-up" and mom should not have started asking for invitations to bridal events. You and Auntie go get your nails done. I remember being young like that. The conversation and the atmosphere are different with your girlfriends. They just are. It was nice Auntie offered to pay for manicures. But they said, "no thanks" correct? And it was nice of Auntie to gift the cake. But gifting the cake doesn't buy you a ticket to tag-along where no invitation was issued. It doesn't mean she doesn't love and respect and appreciate Auntie. That's just my .02 :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 So... my nieces tell her no, she is not welcome to go get her nail done. It is for the bridal party only. My question is - is that rude or not? If she just overlooked auntie and said of course she is welcome, I'd completely forgive that, but to be directly asked and rebuffed. I vote rude. Hope she grows up later and realizes how precious nice family members should be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GWOB Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Exactly. While they are getting a manicure, we were asked to take care of the fruit boats. And PAY for the fruit to go with it - not including the $800 my mom, my sister and I have already sent to help with the wedding. Ugh! I am just disgusted for you. This is exactly why I planned my wedding in one day. Well, that and the fact I was knocked up;), but still. I'll say it again. Weddings are about family and friends celebrating the new life of a couple, not about some snooty bride going all divalicious. A lot of people put a lot of time, effort, and $ to pull a wedding together. I had a semi-close family friend create all the flower arrangements for my wedding IN A DAY. You darn well know she was invited to everything. I could not even imagine not inviting special, behind-the-scenes people to fellowship with me before my wedding. Screw "custom" and "tradition". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
silliness7 Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Exactly. While they are getting a manicure, we were asked to take care of the fruit boats. And PAY for the fruit to go with it - not including the $800 my mom, my sister and I have already sent to help with the wedding. WOW!! That is a lot of money for grandma and aunties to help with a wedding. I kind of get the feeling from the other posts that maybe, I'm going out on a limb here, that grandma might use her buying power to get people to do what she wants them to do. Maybe she does it subconsciously. I don't know. That's just an insane amount of money, imo for someone other than parents of the bride or groom to contribute to a wedding. Maybe nieces are tired of feeling controlled by g-ma. I'm just throwing that out there 'cause the whole thing just sounds weird. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kari C in SC Posted June 30, 2011 Author Share Posted June 30, 2011 WOW!! That is a lot of money for grandma and aunties to help with a wedding. I kind of get the feeling from the other posts that maybe, I'm going out on a limb here, that grandma might use her buying power to get people to do what she wants them to do. Maybe she does it subconsciously. I don't know. That's just an insane amount of money, imo for someone other than parents of the bride or groom to contribute to a wedding. Maybe nieces are tired of feeling controlled by g-ma. I'm just throwing that out there 'cause the whole thing just sounds weird. No, Grandma does not have buying power. Grandma lives on SS and when Grandpa died - set aside $500 per grandchild for their wedding. My sister, Leann, the mother of the bride - does not have the money to cover a wedding. So, as aunts, we helped out where we could. I sent $200, my sister Michelle sent somewhere between $125-150 and my mom sent $500. I am going to pay for enough fruit for 150 people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristineW Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 :iagree: 100% The bride was probably envisioning a certain social dynamic that could very possibly be altered by a "third wheel grown-up" and mom should not have started asking for invitations to bridal events. You and Auntie go get your nails done. I remember being young like that. The conversation and the atmosphere are different with your girlfriends. They just are. It was nice Auntie offered to pay for manicures. But they said, "no thanks" correct? And it was nice of Auntie to gift the cake. But gifting the cake doesn't buy you a ticket to tag-along where no invitation was issued. It doesn't mean she doesn't love and respect and appreciate Auntie. That's just my .02 :001_smile: Your mom shouldn't have asked. It would have been nice if the nieces had said yes, but it seems that all the bridesmaids are young and wanted to hang out as cousins and friends. Growing up (as teens and in our 20s) there were plenty of times when the cousins hung out without "the grownups;" it was important to us. Let the kids have their own bonding time. Christine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TXBeth Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 I think it's sad for your sister, and it would be nice if your niece arranged something special to do with all of you together. But I think the actual rude one here was your mom for asking niece to invite her aunt. You don't invite guests to someone else's event. I have never heard of other relatives being invited to the bridesmaids' pre-wedding nail/hair appointments. Even if they wanted to pay for themselves, that is a special time just for the wedding party, and I think it's sad that your DD isn't allowed to go because Auntie isn't invited. Life isn't always perfectly fair, and sometimes one person is invited to something that another person isn't. You learn to suck it up and deal with it and look forward to the next thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StephanieZ Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 I voted Tacky, because Horribly Selfish & Mean wasn't an option. People are jerks. This is sad. I'm sorry. I think you and your sister and your little girls should go out for your own manicures that day. Make it lavish. Add a nice luncheon. Deduct the cost from whatever wedding gifts you had planned. . . or if it's too late for that, then from any/all future gifts for them and their future kids. Jerks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 I voted no, but it really does depend on the circumstances and formality of the wedding. In very formal or large weddings there seems to be a stronger inclination to follow more rigid guidelines and customs. I'm pretty sure there aren't guidelines about the bridal party, formal or not, getting their nails done together before the wedding. Just sayin'... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 If you have a rule, and you don't invoke the rule, ESPECIALLY in a wedding, it will boomerang on you in ways you can't begin to imagine. It's for the wedding party, and no exceptions, or many many many exceptions. It's too bad, but that's just the way it is. Plus, it is rude to ever ask that someone else be invited. It puts the host/hostess in a terrible position. The best thing is to ask about inclusion in a roundabout way, so that no one has to have a confrontation. I'm usually very direct (ask anyone!) but I've seen this go so sideways so often. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Lulu* Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 I'm pretty sure there aren't guidelines about the bridal party, formal or not, getting their nails done together before the wedding. Just sayin'... True. That would fall more in the category of custom. In some areas of the country/social circles it is all the rage. In my book it is right up there with dragging the bride-to-be on a real great bender a few nights before the wedding or having a catered bridal tea. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 I think the exclusion is rude and there is no valid reason for it. It's not like a nail salon is an exclusive club and people they don't know won't be there too. Aren't they having a bachelorette party or something similar for all the last hurrahs? What about the rehearsal dinner? How many exclusive events does the bridal party need? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Excelsior! Academy Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 I agree that your mom probably shouldn't have invited her. I know that you are providing fruit boats, but truly a gift with strings is not a gift. (said very gently) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Lulu* Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Personally I followed proper wedding protocol in a way that would have made Amy Vanderbilt proud. That being said, I don't think we should get so obsessed with what is proper that all the joy is sucked out of the occasion. I also believe that following traditional wedding customs is suppose to keep stressful situations from occurring, not create them. *On my soapbox* I find this whole trend of creating these "Bridzillas" and then acting as though it is acceptable since it is their special day is an immense crock, and makes me want to simultaneously slap the tiaras off the heads of those self-important divas and spark a revival of the sensible wedding. (Complete with wedding dress that can *gasp* be worn for more than just a few hours.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeanne in MN Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Your mom shouldn't have asked. It would have been nice if the nieces had said yes, but it seems that all the bridesmaids are young and wanted to hang out as cousins and friends. Growing up (as teens and in our 20s) there were plenty of times when the cousins hung out without "the grownups;" it was important to us. Let the kids have their own bonding time. Christine :iagree: Another in agreement here. I can not imagine inviting myself or someone else to an event-especially such a personal one as this-and then getting upset over not being allowed. Even if the family is close and auntie is special, this day is for the bride to decide who she wishes to spend time with and in what way. It would be great if they'd included auntie, but I would totally respect what the bride wants. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Another situation where I think there are clashing cultures on what a wedding really means. I personally lean toward the "a wedding is for the friends and family to celebrate a couple's union (with an emphasis on the family)" vs. the "a wedding is for the bride to live out her fantasies for a day" but I do realize that there is a cultural leaning toward the latter. But I don't think that it has always meant that in our culture. I wonder if the bias toward brides spending more time with their friends and attendants is at least in part a product of the age segregation of the public schools. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spy Car Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 I voted Tacky, because Horribly Selfish & Mean wasn't an option. :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: Horrifying! Bill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Ugh! I am just disgusted for you. This is exactly why I planned my wedding in one day. Well, that and the fact I was knocked up;), but still. I'll say it again. Weddings are about family and friends celebrating the new life of a couple, not about some snooty bride going all divalicious. A lot of people put a lot of time, effort, and $ to pull a wedding together. I had a semi-close family friend create all the flower arrangements for my wedding IN A DAY. You darn well know she was invited to everything. I could not even imagine not inviting special, behind-the-scenes people to fellowship with me before my wedding. Screw "custom" and "tradition". Like Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Is there a limit to the number of manicure stations? Is it possible that the bride told by the salon "we can do x number of clients between 10-11am? Is there a reason she said "No"? If your transporting part of the wedding party and aunt, maybe you should call and talk to her about it instead of just being upset about it. Maybe there is something your missing? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Your mom shouldn't have asked. It would have been nice if the nieces had said yes, but it seems that all the bridesmaids are young and wanted to hang out as cousins and friends. Growing up (as teens and in our 20s) there were plenty of times when the cousins hung out without "the grownups;" it was important to us. Let the kids have their own bonding time. Christine :iagree: I think the tackiness started with the mom. The nieces said no. "No" is unfortunate but it is not rude, especially in this situation. I wish I'd learned that 25 years ago.:glare: I think what would be tacky though is holding on to hurt feelings and decided to take offence. It was one moment in a very emotional time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WishboneDawn Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 I agree that your mom probably shouldn't have invited her.I know that you are providing fruit boats, but truly a gift with strings is not a gift. (said very gently) Agreed. I've been the recipient of "gifts" with strings. It's miserable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 The wedding party is made of persons 12 - 30. Many are family members. Most female family members have a role in the wedding. Given this dynamic the manicure seen is not a young womens session. If a 40 year old would be a drag, so would a 12 year old. Because so many female family members are included in the bridal party and the larger assisting with the wedding, I believe this changes the definition what's expected. Additionally, when persons, especially family members are traveling a long distance, I believe there is an expectation to spend some time with them either the day before or after the wedding. I think all female family members helping out should have been invited. Your niece is rude. If your niece envisioned a certain type of manicure party with just a group of gals, she was never going to have that because your 12 yo was included (perhaps she didn't want the 12 yo either and you are helping her with that now). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pippen Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 (edited) :iagree: 100% The bride was probably envisioning a certain social dynamic that could very possibly be altered by a "third wheel grown-up" and mom should not have started asking for invitations to bridal events. You and Auntie go get your nails done. I remember being young like that. The conversation and the atmosphere are different with your girlfriends. They just are. It was nice Auntie offered to pay for manicures. But they said, "no thanks" correct? And it was nice of Auntie to gift the cake. But gifting the cake doesn't buy you a ticket to tag-along where no invitation was issued. It doesn't mean she doesn't love and respect and appreciate Auntie. That's just my .02 :001_smile: My thinking is along these lines as well. Mom shouldn't have asked. Once the bride opens the door for anyone beyond the bridal party to attend, it's impossible to draw the line. Future MIL and SILs and other friends and family members may have very legitimate ideas for persons who they think should be attending the manicure party as well. I know it's hard when something is really bothering you, but I'd try and stay focused on what's really important here. This day is about two people pledging their lives to each other. It's not about who paid for what, who is doing what to serve the bride and groom, about nail polish, who is in or out of what event, and definitely not about the impossible task of pleasing everyone. I'd keep quiet about my concerns, send my daughter along with the wedding party so she wouldn't miss out on the fun, plus I would want to keep her out of what might be perceived as a "protest" manicure get-together. Just not worth it over nails. Edited June 30, 2011 by Pippen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Old Dominion Heather Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 If you have a rule, and you don't invoke the rule, ESPECIALLY in a wedding, it will boomerang on you in ways you can't begin to imagine. It's for the wedding party, and no exceptions, or many many many exceptions. It's too bad, but that's just the way it is. Plus, it is rude to ever ask that someone else be invited. It puts the host/hostess in a terrible position. The best thing is to ask about inclusion in a roundabout way, so that no one has to have a confrontation. I'm usually very direct (ask anyone!) but I've seen this go so sideways so often. I'm with Carol on this. If they make an exception, how many other exceptions will have to be made for other family members possibly on the grooms side that the OP has no clue about. I think that it was slightly rude to ask, but terribly rude to get offended over it. We are talking about a adult woman getting her feelings hurt about not getting her nails done?! I think it is an overreaction. You niece is following the rules and making no exceptions and that is fine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margo out of lurking Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Many brides get selfishly caught up in the planning of the wedding, not the actual celebration. They forget about courtesy, and consideration for others' feelings, and basic common sense. It's a maturity issue, one that will hopefully not permanently damage family relationships. My biggest stupid-wedding moment was when I told my dad he had to rent a *matching* tux. :glare: He'd asked if it would be okay to buy one on his own that he could have for future use (and I'm sure it would have been much nicer than the rented tuxes). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarlaS Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 I agree that your mom probably shouldn't have invited her. I know that you are providing fruit boats, but truly a gift with strings is not a gift. (said very gently) :iagree: I have people (very close to me) in my life I go out of my way to accept nothing from due to their being unable to grasp this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted June 30, 2011 Share Posted June 30, 2011 Where is the bride's mom? Shouldn't she be handling these niceties? I'm not really into manicures. I didn't even have my nails done before my own wedding. (my nieces did, though!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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