Overly friendly adults toward your children...

[Erica in PA]

Have you ever had an acquaintance whom you felt was just overly familiar with your child? My 5 yod participates in a weekly activity, and there is something about her male instructor and the way he interacts with dd that makes me uncomfortable. I am trying to think of why, exactly, and here are a couple of examples:

 

1. He compliments her on her appearance, frequently. He is always calling her "girlfriend," or "cutie pie", things like that. I haven't heard him refer to the other girls that way. He said to me once, "Can you please get her not to be so darned cute next time? It's very... distracting." I found that a bit odd.

 

2. Though he is working with a group of about 10 girls at a time, he focuses his attention strongly on my dd. He is always picking her up and helping her with the activities. I can always tell, even when I can't see them through the window (parents wait outside but can watch through), when he is talking to my dd and not to another girl, because of his very affectionate tone, and compliments.

 

3. This week, she was doing a back bend, and I saw him tickle dd on the belly where her shirt rode up. Then he glanced up at the window, as if to see if I were watching, and when we made eye contact, he looked embarrassed and pulled his hands away. This is when the uncomfortable feeling I have reached the point of making me feel sick to my stomach.

 

Of course, he could just be a friendly guy who genuinely is fond of my dd, and is just a bit awkward socially. And my dd really likes him, and doesn't not feel at all uncomfortable around him. In fact, she's said he'sher favorite teacher. But I am also a big believer in following your gut, and my gut seems to be pretty disturbed by the dynamic here.

 

If you had these uncomfortable feelings about someone with whom your child interacts, would you continue on as long as you could supervise? Or would you remove your child from the activity?

 

Erica

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

Have you ever had an acquaintance whom you felt was just overly familiar with your child? My 5 yod participates in a weekly activity, and there is something about her male instructor and the way he interacts with dd that makes me uncomfortable. I am trying to think of why, exactly, and here are a couple of examples:

 

1. He compliments her on her appearance, frequently. He is always calling her "girlfriend," or "cutie pie", things like that. I haven't heard him refer to the other girls that way. He said to me once, "Can you please get her not to be so darned cute next time? It's very... distracting." I found that a bit odd.

 

2. Though he is working with a group of about 10 girls at a time, he focuses his attention strongly on my dd. He is always picking her up and helping her with the activities. I can always tell, even when I can't see them through the window (parents wait outside but can watch through), when he is talking to my dd and not to another girl, because of his very affectionate tone, and compliments.

 

3. This week, she was doing a back bend, and I saw him tickle dd on the belly where her shirt rode up. Then he glanced up at the window, as if to see if I were watching, and when we made eye contact, he looked embarrassed and pulled his hands away. This is when the uncomfortable feeling I have reached the point of making me feel sick to my stomach.

 

Of course, he could just be a friendly guy who genuinely is fond of my dd, and is just a bit awkward socially. And my dd really likes him, and doesn't not feel at all uncomfortable around him. In fact, she's said he'sher favorite teacher. But I am also a big believer in following your gut, and my gut seems to be pretty disturbed by the dynamic here.

 

If you had these uncomfortable feelings about someone with whom your child interacts, would you continue on as long as you could supervise? Or would you remove your child from the activity?

 

Erica

 

RED FLAGS!

 

Follow your gut. Serious rise on the old "ick meter" here. And tell somebody.

[Just Me]

If it were me, I would probably remove myself and child from the activity. But I would make sure to first talk with someone in charge about your feelings, and why you are leaving. Maybe that would give them the chance to deal with the guy. I wouldn't want him to be able to just "move on" to another child, KWIM?

 

This behavior would certainly have my radar going. It certainly seems a little odd and over the top.

[Amy in Orlando]

Yep - listen to your instincts.

[snickelfritz]

I would follow your mommy feeling and find a different activity.

 

The hard part...I would probably talk to him. If he's innocent, he needs to know the behaviors that are inappropriate. If he's not, then he needs to know that you "know." Is there someone in charge that you can tell? They might not necessarily fire him, but could at least keep an eye out for other strange situations.

 

On the one hand, It would be easier to just leave. On the other....if he ever did something to another girl.......

[ELaurie]

I would follow your mommy feeling and find a different activity.

 

The hard part...I would probably talk to him. If he's innocent, he needs to know the behaviors that are inappropriate. If he's not, then he needs to know that you "know." Is there someone in charge that you can tell? They might not necessarily fire him, but could at least keep an eye out for other strange situations.

 

On the one hand, It would be easier to just leave. On the other....if he ever did something to another girl.......

:iagree:

[Jumping In Puddles]

Another vote for you to take her out immediately and tell someone at the program why you are withdrawing her.

 

Better to be wrong than sorry.

[Mrs Mungo]

Another vote for you to take her out immediately and tell someone at the program why you are withdrawing her.

 

Better to be wrong than sorry.

 

I agree.

 

Some people are just socially awkward, it's true.

 

I'm a touchy person and I constantly have to remind myself that it's not OK to touch people I don't really know.

 

The key here is you and your gut. It's worth more than you know.

[Melissa in Australia]

I wouldn't talk to him at all. I would remove the child from that activity, inform the person in charge and NEVER go Back. I had someone who was overly cuddly with my son when he was 4, I had that gut feeling that it wasn't quite right, but didn't do anything. it led to inappropriate *%*%* behavior. I wished that I had responded to my instinct.

[Erica in PA]

Of course, I will do whatever I need to, to protect my children, and that is the most important thing. It's just that I think I was hoping everyone would say I may be overrreacting, and that it would be okay to continue on with the class, as long as I carefully supervise.

 

Not that it matters much in the big picture, but just to flesh out the dilemma a bit: my two sons are also in this program, and after trying many sports, we've finally found a physical activity that all three of my children really love. All three kids count the days until the next class, and are stronger and more flexible than they've ever been. Even my oldest, who has never met a physical activity he doesn't strongly dislike, loves the class, and has lost several pounds and gained a lot of confidence as a result of this activity. And this location/class is the only one we can afford in the area, because it's offered for homeschoolers and heavily discounted. We've been attending for three months.

 

We only have two sessions left, then we'll be done with the class until September. What I am trying to decide is whether I should just ride it out till then, watching closely all the time, and see if that guy is still there in the fall, before making a final decision.

 

Of course, the top priority is my children's safety and well-being, and I wouldn't compromise that for anything. It's just that I feel I have to be fairly sure that there is a real problem here, because all three children would be giving up a lot, if it's just a feeling on my part, kwim?

 

But I agree with all you've said. Dropping the class would be the most cautious course of action. I just have to weigh all the factors and see if it truly is necessary to take that course at this time.

 

Thank you!

 

Erica

[gardenschooler]

Have you ever had an acquaintance whom you felt was just overly familiar with your child? My 5 yod participates in a weekly activity, and there is something about her male instructor and the way he interacts with dd that makes me uncomfortable. I am trying to think of why, exactly, and here are a couple of examples:

 

1. He compliments her on her appearance, frequently. He is always calling her "girlfriend," or "cutie pie", things like that. I haven't heard him refer to the other girls that way. He said to me once, "Can you please get her not to be so darned cute next time? It's very... distracting." I found that a bit odd.

 

2. Though he is working with a group of about 10 girls at a time, he focuses his attention strongly on my dd. He is always picking her up and helping her with the activities. I can always tell, even when I can't see them through the window (parents wait outside but can watch through), when he is talking to my dd and not to another girl, because of his very affectionate tone, and compliments.

 

3. This week, she was doing a back bend, and I saw him tickle dd on the belly where her shirt rode up. Then he glanced up at the window, as if to see if I were watching, and when we made eye contact, he looked embarrassed and pulled his hands away. This is when the uncomfortable feeling I have reached the point of making me feel sick to my stomach.

 

Of course, he could just be a friendly guy who genuinely is fond of my dd, and is just a bit awkward socially. And my dd really likes him, and doesn't not feel at all uncomfortable around him. In fact, she's said he'sher favorite teacher. But I am also a big believer in following your gut, and my gut seems to be pretty disturbed by the dynamic here.

 

If you had these uncomfortable feelings about someone with whom your child interacts, would you continue on as long as you could supervise? Or would you remove your child from the activity?

 

Erica

 

That would make me very uncomfortable. These types often pick a favorite, so I wouldn't dismiss it just because he doesn't seem to do it to the other girls.

 

I had a similar situation (comments, not actual touching) , and I confronted him repeatedly, to no avail. Nothing changed until I went to people higher up on the food chain. And then everything changed. :D

 

I think this guy should be removed, not your dd. Unless it's his studio or something, in which case I'd leave, but I'd write a letter to anyone it may concern stating why. I'd try to be sure this didn't just get ignored.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

 

I think this guy should be removed, not your dd. Unless it's his studio or something, in which case I'd leave, but I'd write a letter to anyone it may concern stating why. I'd try to be sure this didn't just get ignored.

 

YES!

[Harriet Vane]

Please do not stuff away your icky feelings--God gave them to you to protect you and help you protect your children.

[Carol in Cal.]

I would be IN THERE EVERY MINUTE, however. (Did I say that loud enough?) If you are not allowed to be in there every minute, that would cook it for me. At that age, parents should be allowed everywhere that their children go as long as they don't interrupt. Period.

 

Simultaneously I would also check the Megan's Law binder at your local police station. And I would discreetly inquire with management about how they screen applicants to work with children. Make sure that you know whether fingerprinting is done.

 

Then, if you don't turn up anything in the other channels, evaluate based on what you see. This is so hard. Kids need affection, and they need to be safe. Those two goals should not contradict each other, and it's horrible when they do. In thinking back to when I participated in a coop preschool, all the kids (ages 2-5) hugged everyone. They hugged each other, the teacher, the parents, etc. And, they needed to have some interaction that was physically close. If you wanted to talk seriously with one of them, it was crucial to get down at their level, smile, and make eye contact. That is how you work with them, play with them, and get them to pay attention. There has to be a personal connection at this age. And often, the eye contact was maintained with the help of holding their shoulders gently or something like that. These are very physical ages. And I can imagine someone seeing a hug and thinking that it was weird, but having it be totally innocent, and having the adult in the hug feel embarrassed about the possibility of it being misinterpreted. And of course, you don't want to deprive or scare your child unnecessarily.

 

However, I have to say that your post set off my alarm bells and they are ringing pretty loudly. The behavior you described sounds like either this guy especially likes your DD, innocently (which does happen with little kids, a lot) or that he might be 'grooming' her to make advances on her later. What is the progression in this school? Does he have regular contact with the older children? Is he involved with multiple ages, and does the amount of parental involvement drop as the children get older? That scenerio is ideal for 'grooming'.

 

I will share a story with you. A friend of mine took her DS to violin lessons when he was 3 or 4. The instructor really liked her DS and complimented him a lot--almost excessively, she thought. He taught him stretches and demonstrated violin positions, and these required physical contact. She was always a little uneasy about him--she thought that it was all just a little bit 'too much,' but as he always acted easy and natural with her, and as she was in the room for the entirety of each and every lesson, she decided that she was just being paranoid. But, after about 1 1/2 years of lessons, during one of the regular lessons the instructor said that DS had dry skin on his fingers and that that was preventing him from playing properly that day. He got some lotion and put it on him, and something about the way he did it made my friend go check him out. And guess what, she found his picture in the Megan's Law book. He had been in jail for molesting young boys. He was supposed to register as a SO wherever he lived and worked, and not to work with children. So he registered where he lived, and got this job 40 miles away teaching violin lessons to children as an independent contractor (so no background checks were done). The police said that he was undoubtedly priming this child for later advances, and that he preferred boys that were 8-12 years old. They told her that this man probably had quite a few children of different ages in his 'pipeline'. And they put him in jail for parole violation.

 

So. It does happen. It can be real. I really hope you're wrong to be concerned, but certainly this warrants more evaluation at least.

[Vida Winter]

My gut would be getting a backround check on the coach and telling him quiet clearly that he is acting inappropriately and it is not ok. I would want to check into every place he has ever volunteered or worked. It sounds like he is grooming your child. Freaky stuff. Even if they don't fire him he needs to be watched.

 

:iagree:

[Stacy in NJ]

really inappropriate behavior. While his behavior does sound weird, your dd is in a public space with other children and adults present. I would continue with the remaining two classes and park myself outside the glass window with my eyes on dd at all times. In the fall I would re-evaluate. If you have the same instructor, I would first consider having a word with him privately, then with his boss.

[Aunty Social]

really inappropriate behavior. While his behavior does sound weird, your dd is in a public space with other children and adults present. I would continue with the remaining two classes and park myself outside the glass window with my eyes on dd at all times. In the fall I would re-evaluate. If you have the same instructor, I would first consider having a word with him privately, then with his boss.

 

This would probably be my course of action too. His behavior does sound odd, and I'd be very concerned, but as long as he only has contact with your child during this class (there's no contact outside of class, right?) and you are able to watch at all times, I'd finish out and re-evaluate. I would have a word with the studio head now though, and not wait. They need to know so they can take any appropriate actions. I'd check into any national databases, too...just kind of plug his name in and see if anything popped up.

 

Some people just genuinely love kids, and don't realize that they may be making others nervous by their actions....but it sounds like a bit more and I'd still check it out.

[Heather in Neverland]

RUN quickly...trust me on this...my parent's didn't and they should have. RUN.

[Jean in Newcastle]

 

1. He compliments her on her appearance, frequently. He is always calling her "girlfriend," or "cutie pie", things like that. I haven't heard him refer to the other girls that way. He said to me once, "Can you please get her not to be so darned cute next time? It's very... distracting." I found that a bit odd.

 

2. I can always tell, even when I can't see them through the window (parents wait outside but can watch through), when he is talking to my dd and not to another girl, because of his very affectionate tone, and compliments.

 

3. This week, she was doing a back bend, and I saw him tickle dd on the belly where her shirt rode up. Then he glanced up at the window, as if to see if I were watching, and when we made eye contact, he looked embarrassed and pulled his hands away. This is when the uncomfortable feeling I have reached the point of making me feel sick to my stomach.

 

And my dd really likes him, and doesn't not feel at all uncomfortable around him. In fact, she's said he's her favorite teacher.

Erica

 

Most of these things could be construed as s*xual in nature or something more innocently out-of-kilter. But either way, it is not professional behavior and is definitely off. It is inappropriate for an adult male to be singling out one child - and singling her out for her looks esp. Not only is it creepy regarding your daughter, but it means that he is not focusing properly on his other students. The comment he made about her being distracting to him is the most disturbing to me. How exactly would a girl's cuteness be distracting to an adult male?! I had a man say to me once, "Oh, I would never actually r*pe you." - Excuse me? If you thought to say that much, it means you thought about it!! (I never saw him again.)

 

I would outline these incidents just as you have for us. And I would take them to someone in charge. Hopefully they will take it seriously (unfortunately not all schools/ gyms etc. do).

[urban_mom]

Seriously...if someone said "don't let her be so cute...it's very distracting" about my daughter, I would knee them in the groin and then I would tell the manager of the place and never go back. And, just to qualify my statement: I am not an overprotective mother. I live in what many would call the "inner city" of chicago, and I'm not a worrier. But, a HUGE red flag goes up for me with gymnastics teachers. I'm from Kansas and SEVERAL main gyms there had guys who ended up being perverts...this is not something to screw around with. This is a guy who is going to be touching your daughter frequently and she will definitely be affected by it even if it didn't go further. A coach I had was flirtatious with me through my younger years (say ages 8-11) and I still remember feeling weird around him. Don't screw around with this. I'm sure there are other places where your dd can take gymnastics. PLEASE don't put her in this situation. I'm sure she is oblivious to his "advances" but they will be her first memories of a man who is allowed to be physically "in contact" with her and you don't want her first experiences to be flirtatious at all. Just my two cents....

[emelsha]

File a complaint and get out immediately!! If he says inappropriate things like that to a Mother, just think what he says (or does) to the children. Don't fool around with this one. He's up to no good!!!!!

[nancypants]

RED FLAGS!

 

Follow your gut. Serious rise on the old "ick meter" here. And tell somebody.

 

Ditto that! Listen to your gut!!!

[RoughCollie]

I would check here first:

 

http://www.pameganslaw.state.pa.us/

[Kris]

Reading your post, two things came to mind: "creepy" and "outta there."

[Snickerdoodle]

I think what this man is doing could be construed as "groooming" behavior that's why it struck an odd cord with the OP. Even if it's in a public place with other people present, the man is putting himself in a position of being a source of affection for the child. Grooming behavior is done in such a way that leaves the victim (or the victim's parents) feeling as if they are not sure if something is going on or if it questioning themselves if they are overreacting. This is why grooming behavior is very dangerous.

 

However, if it were me, I would talk to the instructor directly and tell him that his behavior is inappropriate. Then I would talk to management and ask about screening and about my concerns about this particular teacher. I would stress that he is the one that should leave or be changed to another class.

 

OP: if you are even questioning yourself if this feels "off" to you then it is off, period. There should be no gray areas of appropriate behavior between a docent and his charges.

 

Now that is not to say that a teacher/child relationship will never have any kind of affection. But there is a difference between the mentor relationship and one that gives funny vibes.

 

 

really inappropriate behavior. While his behavior does sound weird, your dd is in a public space with other children and adults present. I would continue with the remaining two classes and park myself outside the glass window with my eyes on dd at all times.

[Peela]

Can you do a background check on the guy?

I agree that you should trust your instincts and gut feelings, however, perhaps having received the sort of responses you have here, which are overwhelmingly to leave the gym, you could let them empower you to investigate further, check with management, say something....before taking the step of removing your child/ren. And dont take your eyes off her in the class. Can she get another teacher?

I must admit though, the things he has said do sound quite inappropriate, and in this day and age, people should know better - it's quite unprofessional. An adult in a teaching situation shouldn't be favouritising, or making comments about prettiness.

[Amy in NY]

trust your instincts. I would have her finish the class with close supervision and then make sure he wasn't her instructor next year. I would also talk to management about him. His behavior is very inappropriate.

 

If you haven't read it, the book Protecting the Gift came to my mind as I read your post. The author talks about trusting our instincts when it comes to the safety of our children.

[CalicoKat]

If it were me, I would probably remove myself and child from the activity. But I would make sure to first talk with someone in charge about your feelings, and why you are leaving. Maybe that would give them the chance to deal with the guy. I wouldn't want him to be able to just "move on" to another child, KWIM?

 

This behavior would certainly have my radar going. It certainly seems a little odd and over the top.

Yes, remove her! Protect your dd's heart.

 

It sounds like your mommy radar is going off --- don't turn it off!

 

I did removed my dd when she was 4 from a gymnastics class for the same very reason. The other moms in the class thought I was nutso. I told the organization. They treated me like I was a nutso.

 

2 yrs later I was talking with my new neighbor about gymnastics classes. SHE told me that she wouldn't recommend that gymn. Why? "There's an instructor there who is sometimes overly friendly with young girls. . . there have been problems."

 

Do what you think is right. It won't please your kid. But you don't need that stranger teaching your dd that this kind of attention is OK.

[Andie]

I've read the responses, and I agree with the overwhelming sentiment - NOT normal, VERY inappropriate, highly worrisome. I'm sad to read so many women who "know" how predators work and wish their parents had done differently. Sadly, my sister (and to a lesser extent my brother and I) were also victims growing up. :(

 

I wanted to mention something I haven't seen brought up yet -- how much have you talked to your daughter about this? Have you had any conversations that explain, point blank, that X type of contact isn't acceptable, and here's how to respond when it happens, (even if the person doesn't seem an imminent threat)?

 

:grouphug:

[Quiver0f10]

RED FLAGS!

 

Follow your gut. Serious rise on the old "ick meter" here. And tell somebody.

 

:iagree: I would go to the owners ASAP.

[Part-Time Homeschooler]

I totally understand not wanting to over-react, but I would pull her out of that activity right away.

[wagnfun]

I would be IN THERE EVERY MINUTE, however. (Did I say that loud enough?) If you are not allowed to be in there every minute, that would cook it for me. At that age, parents should be allowed everywhere that their children go as long as they don't interrupt. Period.

 

Simultaneously I would also check the Megan's Law binder at your local police station. And I would discreetly inquire with management about how they screen applicants to work with children. Make sure that you know whether fingerprinting is done.

 

So. It does happen. It can be real. I really hope you're wrong to be concerned, but certainly this warrants more evaluation at least.

 

 

:iagree:Yes it does happen. PLEASE PLEASE though--- don't dismiss your gut if you don't find what you are looking for in the Megans law books. I have a relative that should be 6 feet under but isn't. He SHOULD be in Megans law binder but isn't. He bargined his crime down to a rediculous point. He isn't stupid and moved from California to Az. where the laws required less of him- ON PURPOSE. My sister and I have fought to make sure the police department keeps him under watch. PARENTS FOLLOW YOUR GUT!. As far as the original poster goes, a child that age should not be alone with any instructor and I'm make a comment outloud in front of the student & teacher that I'm watching every thing from the window.

[CookieMonster]

I wanted to mention something I haven't seen brought up yet -- how much have you talked to your daughter about this? Have you had any conversations that explain, point blank, that X type of contact isn't acceptable, and here's how to respond when it happens, (even if the person doesn't seem an imminent threat)?

 

Yes. Exactly. I recommend to the OP that she do this now, before the next session.

 

I also would recommend saying something directly to the instructor. If he's an akward flake, it would come through. If he's a man with wrong intentions, you'll probably be able to tell that as well. I say confront the percieved problem instead of hanging back because you're not sure your feelings are right.

[Andie]

http://www.pameganslaw.state.pa.us/

 

These registries are some help. Unfortunately, so many of these...people aren't registered, aren't registered accurately, and/or haven't ever been convicted.

[Tammyla]

:iagree: Red Flags~ Don't dismiss your mommy's instinct, it's often that sick feeling in your gut.

[Joanne]

Remove her.

 

Talk to the owners.

 

Don't talk to him. You are not required to "be nice".

 

Please, please, please, if you have not already read "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin de Becker. IMO, reading that book as a parent is more important than breastfeeding, vaccines and well child checks.

[Camy-7 boybarians 1 lady]

Hi, Erica!

 

If I were you, I'd watch this situation closely. You sound like you are uncomfortable with it, and if so, you may want to reconsider whether or not it is worth it to keep your daughter in the activity. It seems to me that it may be a better idea to ward off any harm before it could happen. You wouldn't want your daughter put into a position of being harmed and then having to deal w/ it afterward.

 

Also, though it is obvious this person shows signs of being overzealous, persons who are predators of children are not always so obvious. Close supervision of all activities w/ adults is important when our children are younger. I know you know this, but I can't help to mention it.

 

I think you know that my husband is a juvenile probation officer. He has seen many young people harmed by those around them. This leads to serious issues for these kids. Abuse only takes seconds! Some of the stories my husband tells me just make me shiver. An adult's hand can slip where it shouldn't be in seconds and then they can remove it to never be discovered doing something heinous.

 

It is not my intention to alarm you, but just to give caution. You are a great parent, I am sure of that, Erica. Your guide is your gut, kwim?

 

One last thing, if you haven't done it already, perhaps you can talk w/ your daughter about inappropriate touch. Don't use the adult in question as an example, or draw attention to that situation. Just a discussion about the touching issue and what to do if it occurs. We have taught our children to bite, scream, kick, yell, or do whatever is necessary if they were to be a target of this.

 

FYI about child predators...they usually study situations and circumstances to decide if they have any opportunity to do what they do. For example, they would study you and how you relate to you daughter. They would assess your daughter's personality to see if they have a chance to victimize. If your daughter is very open to this individual you are speaking of, that would raise a red flag in my mind.

 

It is all very tricky for a parent, but caution is the best way to go.

 

Blessings, Erica!

 

Camy

[QuirkyKapers]

This seems to be the consensus and :iagree: Follow your gut! Remove her & talk to the mangement regarding your concerns. Management may or may not be open to hearing this. Also, be prepared for other parents to want to know why your daughter isn't continuing. I would be honest there. Something doesn't sit right. Better safe than sorry.

 

His behavior is grooming behavior. He will move to someone else. Maybe not in that class but another class. Just like previously mentioned, I would also be having conversations with your daughter regarding what is going on. She might be torn having feelings that something isn't right but also liking the attention. Gary Smalley talks about children's 5 love language's, some are Physical touch and some respond to Words of Affirmation. So, instictively a predator seems to have a radar for children whose love languages are the above. Children are trusting. I bet though if you talk to your daughter she will be relieved that her uncomfortableness is not just in her head. Your uncomfortableness is not just in your head. You are not overreacting.

 

I am not trying to be bossy, but this is an issue close to my heart for many reasons. One being that my father-n-law was convicted of molesting a male minor, has been in prison and now is out, labeled as a sexual predator. There were times before the conviction (we didn't have children) that we witnessed and had uncomfortable feelings regarding interactions with children that were public. Also having been sexually abused by a brother and having a friends who have been sexually abused, just because you are in a roomful of people, and you are watching, doesn't mean that a child is safe, especially if they are sitting on a lap or there is some touching. My girlfriend said her uncle used to have her sit on his lap and would touch her while all the other relatives were in the room. No one knew. A predator can quickly brush a child inappropriately and although a child will think "did that just happen?" there will be enough doubt that they wouldn't say anything. So not only is there a violation that happens physically, but there is an emotional violation as well. The child will then start doubting and trusting their own instincts. And let me just be clear- This is is no way a child's fault. It all is the predator knowing who to groom.

 

Sorry for all the gloom and doom

Trust your insticts. We brush them aside way to much. Some things we brush aside and the repercussion is minimal. This is a situation where potentially the repercussion can have life long effects.

[Jennifer in NH]

RED FLAGS!

 

Follow your gut. Serious rise on the old "ick meter" here. And tell somebody.

:iagree: That is exactly what I was thinking!

[Stacy in NJ]

I think your comment about speaking to the instructor first is on target. I think people frequently walk away from situations without first communicating with/about what has made them unhappy, uneasy. I understand that at times somethings aren't worth the "fight", but we really do a disservice to all involved when we assume the worst and don't try to correct or improve the situation. What if this guy is a sexual predator? What about the next little girl? What if this guy is a perfectly innocent, but slightly weird guy? A private conversation with him and possibly his boss may make this uncomfortable situation a much better situation. It might make it REALLY uncomfortable. But, do you owe it to him, your dc and other people to put in a bit of effort?

 

Please don't get me wrong. In some situations walking away is perfectly acceptable. No harm, no foul. Is this one of those situations?

[PiCO]

But I agree with all you've said. Dropping the class would be the most cautious course of action. I just have to weigh all the factors and see if it truly is necessary to take that course at this time.

 

Erica

 

Wow, you are between a rock and a hard place.

 

I think this guy is unprofessional at best (playing favorites,) but probably worse. If you do decide to stay in for the last two classes, I would talk to the teacher before class and ask him to stop giving your dd extra attention- it's making you uncomfortable. Look him in the eye and see how he reacts. You should have a good idea, and he will know you're on to him and probably start looking for another victim. Also set up a private meeting with the owner and explain what has been going on. Recommend the owner read The Gift of Fear. Ask about background checks... but there's always a first time and many of these people will "gym-hop" so they don't get caught.

 

If the guy is still there in the fall, don't go back.

 

BTW, I think just dropping the class and not explaining yourself would be a disservice to the community (not that you would do that, I'm just throwing it out there...)

[Jennifer in NH]

Grooming behavior is done in such a way that leaves the victim (or the victim's parents) feeling as if they are not sure if something is going on or if it questioning themselves if they are overreacting. This is why grooming behavior is very dangerous.

.

 

 

This is so true and probably why I cannot say loud enough to TELL SOMEONE! I hate getting so darn personal on an internet board but here goes...

 

I was molested by my brother in law when I was a little girl...he was always nice to me, always doing special things for me and at first some of the things he would do were not obvious...like tripping, and just by "chance" landing on my (non exsistent yet) breasts...leaving me with an icky feeling and telling myself over and over again that it was just an accident....now stuff like this happened for 4 years! It came to a head in a fairly public arena..not going there right now...but please trust your insticts...especially since he doesn't show this behavior toward everyone in the class! It is in no way a personality quirk if he really only does this with 1 child at a time!

 

When you confront him and his boss...he will deny it or come up with excuses...just be aware of that!

 

By the way, I am so deeply sorry that you are going through this now....I am glad that are aware and not hiding your head in the sand ...my parents did and well...not a good outcome.

of course, take my advice with all the bias it comes with!

good luck to you.

Jenny

[RoughCollie]

I think that it is unlikely, but possible, that this guy is a s*xual predator. I would check him out at the PA sex offenders registry, I'd Google his name, and I'd talk to whoever was in charge at the school. I'd also find out whether a criminal records check was done before he was hired, and what the results of it were.

 

I am a big believer in following my gut instincts, too. But gut instincts are sometimes wrong. Now, I am not advocating that you leave your kids *alone* with this guy -- never -- better safe than sorry.

 

There is a chance -- a fairly big one -- that the guy did not get the memo on how adults are not supposed to interact with other people's children in certain ways. A major reason for that memo is to protect guys from being falsely accused.

 

This guy may have no children and may not realize that his manner of speaking and his conduct are indicative of anything other than he likes your little girl because she is so cute and has a great personality. There is a 5 year old girl at the dojo my kids go to who is like that. She is distracting because she's so darned cute and tiny and has a sparkling personality -- she can't help attracting attention and none of it is unusual given her characteristics. The dojo owner asked her the other day, "How did you get to be so darned cute?", and she just grinned at him, and so did her Mom. It is pretty fascinating to see tiny kids doing what the bigger kids are doing in karate. They are so darned cute!

 

OTOH, I know lots of fathers who have gotten the memo and they will not be the only adult around anyone else's children because they are afraid of being falsely accused.

 

Meanwhile, with only 2 sessions left, considering that you are right there watching, I'd finish out the season with my kids going to the class. There is no way anything is going to happen to your DD while you watching. Again, I would never in a million years leave my DC alone with anyone if my gut instinct told me otherwise, because I wouldn't take the chance, even if the guy checked out to be harmless on paper. This is because some guys have never been caught and are flying under the radar.

 

I leave my kids at the dojo to take their lessons, but they are not little any more, there are a lot of other adults around watching through the window, and we've known the owner/instructor for more than 8 years. I trust him.

 

RC

[Joanne]

There is a chance -- a fairly big one -- that the guy did not get the memo on how adults are not supposed to interact with other people's children in certain ways. A major reason for that memo is to protect guys from being falsely accused.

 

There are red flags in this guy's behavior that speak to deliberate, conscious inappropriateness. The type of behavior is outlined in the book recommended in this thread. (Protecting the Gift)

 

Grooming behavior is done in such a way that leaves the victim (or the victim's parents) feeling as if they are not sure if something is going on or if it questioning themselves if they are overreacting. This is why grooming behavior is very dangerous.

 

This is from earlier in the thread and worth repeating.

[Twinmom]

:iagree:

 

Either this fellow is grooming your child for sexual abuse, or he is completely clueless as to what is appropriate behavior with a young child! Speak to the facility administrators immediately. It does seem to me that your child is at risk...and HE is the one that needs to go. Even if it turns out that he is not intentionally grooming your child, he is unaware of his inappropriateness...and that is not much worse!

 

Kudos on your awareness of the situation...trust your gut and act now!

[Mamagistra]

(((Erica)))...

[Kris]

3. This week, she was doing a back bend, and I saw him tickle dd on the belly where her shirt rode up. Then he glanced up at the window, as if to see if I were watching, and when we made eye contact, he looked embarrassed and pulled his hands away. This is when the uncomfortable feeling I have reached the point of making me feel sick to my stomach.

 

This one, right here, tells me this guy knows *exactly* what he's doing and that it's wrong.

[Kate CA]

I would follow your mommy feeling and find a different activity.

 

The hard part...I would probably talk to him. If he's innocent, he needs to know the behaviors that are inappropriate. If he's not, then he needs to know that you "know." Is there someone in charge that you can tell? They might not necessarily fire him, but could at least keep an eye out for other strange situations.

 

I also agree. I would talk to him as well as to the owners. It *is* possible he is just clueless as our society seems to be very touchy these days. BUT I would also make it clear to the owners that the behavior made you feel very uncomfortable and that it was totally unacceptable. I would also remove my child. Sorry, Erica, it is a yucky situation.

[Erica in PA]

Thank you, everyone, for your comments and insights. I did read The Gift and Protecting the Gift when they first were released, and the perspective I gained from reading them is what has led me to take these sorts of gut feelings very seriously. I think I will reread Protecting the Gift, to refresh myself on this issues.

 

I wanted to also offer my thanks and my appreciation to those who were willing to offer their own personal experiences in this area. My heart goes out to all of you, and I really appreciate your willingness to share, to try to help others avoid similar situations.

 

I am planning to talk to the head of the gym asap. Depending on how that goes, I may or may not allow my dc to finish up the next two weeks. If I do, I certainly will watch my dd like a hawk, and also have another general "touching" talk with her, either way. I'm going to check into other local options over the summer, and do my best to find another class for my dc. Hopefully something new has opened up since I last looked. And who knows, maybe this guy won't be at the gym in the fall anyway.

 

Anyway, thank you again. You guys have so much wisdom to share. It's a tough situation, and it's been very helpful reading your thoughts and comments. Thank you!

 

Erica

[Anne/Ankara]

Another vote for getting out of that activity. That sounds creepy and wrong, and not something I'd like my kids to be around...