Jeanne in MN Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Dh left his golf clubs by our front steps earlier this week. While he was gone, they were stolen. Later that night he went out to the golf course and ran into the boys high school golf team and their coach. Dh told the coach what had happened and the coach said that two of his team members had asked him about how much a set of clubs was worth. They asked the boys about it and they said they'd "found" a couple clubs laying by the street. (They were indeed my dh's clubs.) The coach called the kids' parents and they all came over to our house. The boys returned the rest of the clubs and the bag they were in, except for the wedge which they dropped off in his truck later along with a bunch of tees and golf balls. The parents were upset with their boys, and told dh that those boys were his for the summer to work off their theft in whatever way he saw fit, whether it was mowing the lawn, washing his truck, whatever. It sounded like a good idea at first, but now we are thinking we really don't like the idea. First, we don't trust the boys and don't know that we want to have them around here. Second, the boys could become resentful towards dh for "making" them work. Third, it's just a hassle to think of stuff to do and try and line up a time for them to do it. Dh really doesn't want the responsibility hanging over our heads. We don't really want to press charges either, but do kind of wonder if we should've to get across the importance of what they've done. Dh tried to talk to one of the parents last night and he said, "Just put 'em to work. Make them pay for it." We live in a small and know the families. How would you handle this situation? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Make them work - outside. With your door locked and the garage door shut so that there is no chance for sticky fingers. I applaud these boy's parents! With parent's like that, if there is any further nastiness (tping etc.) you can bet that the parents will be on your side. I would make the work-day just one day. You did get full restitution, after all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamakimberly Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Yeah- I agree with the 1 day of outdoor work. Ask one of their parents to help supervise- which means they probably won't act up- and think of your nastiest or hardest jobs! I'm SURE there is some weeding to be done! Or a sewage problem to deal with ;). Or something... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Make them work - outside. With your door locked and the garage door shut so that there is no chance for sticky fingers. I applaud these boy's parents! With parent's like that, if there is any further nastiness (tping etc.) you can bet that the parents will be on your side. I would make the work-day just one day. You did get full restitution, after all. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Oh, I would have those kids mow, rake and weed every weekend until it was paid off. No question. They sound impulsive and stupid. The labor will be good for them. The parents took a stand...and that matters. I assume you have the parents phone numbers? I would come up with a specific schedule and each time the boys finish, I'd call the parents and let them know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammyla Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 :iagree: Another option would be to make them volunteer somewhere like an elderly neighbor's yard or a soup kitchen. Make them work - outside. With your door locked and the garage door shut so that there is no chance for sticky fingers. I applaud these boy's parents! With parent's like that, if there is any further nastiness (tping etc.) you can bet that the parents will be on your side. I would make the work-day just one day. You did get full restitution, after all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ailaena Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 I think I'm with you in the sense that I would not want them hanging around my house possibly building resentment towards feeling like my slave (even though it would be totally justified). They definitely need something, though... Maybe you could have them do laborious chores for elderly neighbors instead? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 :iagree: Another option would be to make them volunteer somewhere like an elderly neighbor's yard or a soup kitchen. I agree. Food banks always need help, parks need cleaning, VFW chapters always need help, there are lots of possibilities. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stacie Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 I may have them do a few chores, or if you can't find anything for them to do I'd have dh supervise them working to clean up trash and weeds in a local park (equal to the amount of time dh spent looking for his clubs). However, I think if I were your dh I'd consider scheduling a grueling (made up) work schedule to scare them, but taking them our for a coke and a good talking to by a police officer friend instead. Since they returned the clubs and they were not damaged, treating them with grace and forgiveness may set a better example than anything else. Kids make mistakes and do stupid things so making a good impression of forgiveness may go a long way in how they interact with children when they are adults. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brightside Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 :iagree: Another option would be to make them volunteer somewhere like an elderly neighbor's yard or a soup kitchen. I like this one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Dh left his golf clubs by our front steps earlier this week. While he was gone, they were stolen. Later that night he went out to the golf course and ran into the boys high school golf team and their coach. Dh told the coach what had happened and the coach said that two of his team members had asked him about how much a set of clubs was worth. They asked the boys about it and they said they'd "found" a couple clubs laying by the street. (They were indeed my dh's clubs.) The coach called the kids' parents and they all came over to our house. The boys returned the rest of the clubs and the bag they were in, except for the wedge which they dropped off in his truck later along with a bunch of tees and golf balls. The parents were upset with their boys, and told dh that those boys were his for the summer to work off their theft in whatever way he saw fit, whether it was mowing the lawn, washing his truck, whatever. It sounded like a good idea at first, but now we are thinking we really don't like the idea. First, we don't trust the boys and don't know that we want to have them around here. Second, the boys could become resentful towards dh for "making" them work. Third, it's just a hassle to think of stuff to do and try and line up a time for them to do it. Dh really doesn't want the responsibility hanging over our heads. We don't really want to press charges either, but do kind of wonder if we should've to get across the importance of what they've done. Dh tried to talk to one of the parents last night and he said, "Just put 'em to work. Make them pay for it." We live in a small and know the families. How would you handle this situation? What does the golf coach think of having thieves on his team? If your DH doesn't want them around, maybe the coach will come up with a punishment. I think the coach should anyway. Why did DH leave his clubs on the porch? (And please don't think I am blaming the victim; I'm not. I'm just curious about why he did it.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LittleIzumi Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Okay, I think there's a little bit of confusion--did the boys return ALL of the clubs, or did they sell a couple and then return "the rest," what was left over? That affects things significantly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 what a delicate situation. it could turn out to be really good, or really awful... random thoughts: i) is your dh good at communicating with teenage boys? would having time to get to know him and develop a relationship help them see that things belong to real people so that they will think twice the next time? ii) if the answer to one is "no", then having their parents supervise their time with you (as it was their punishment for their kids and so they need to not "steal" your time and do need to follow through on their punishment).... i think would be important. that way, the kids won't resent you the same way. iii) another idea would be to talk to a social worker who works with young offenders for tips on how to make the "work as restitution" idea work best. an aside: i supervised teens who were under court order to do community service, at a health clinic and it was hard. good for them, difficult for me. good luck! ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OLG Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Make them work - outside. With your door locked and the garage door shut so that there is no chance for sticky fingers. I applaud these boy's parents! With parent's like that, if there is any further nastiness (tping etc.) you can bet that the parents will be on your side. I would make the work-day just one day. You did get full restitution, after all. :iagree: completely. Make 'em work. Structure it. Their parents have a good grasp of the whole situation, it seems. Work with them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeanne in MN Posted June 2, 2011 Author Share Posted June 2, 2011 What does the golf coach think of having thieves on his team? If your DH doesn't want them around, maybe the coach will come up with a punishment. I think the coach should anyway. Why did DH leave his clubs on the porch? (And please don't think I am blaming the victim; I'm not. I'm just curious about why he did it.) He was trying to clear space out in his truck to take the kids somewhere and just left his clubs, and a couple other things by the house. We live in a small community where theft usually isn't on the forefront of our minds, especially in broad day light on a busy street, but it does happen. I suppose dh thought they were safe by our house. But it's really not a wise thing to do. Poor judgement. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
unsinkable Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 He was trying to clear space out in his truck to take the kids somewhere and just left his clubs, and a couple other things by the house. We live in a small community where theft usually isn't on the forefront of our minds, especially in broad day light on a busy street, but it does happen. I suppose dh thought they were safe by our house. But it's really not a wise thing to do. Poor judgement. We do the sports bags shuffle all the time so I know the feeling. It sounds like it took big b@lls for those boys to do that. I wonder if they were on something? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeanne in MN Posted June 2, 2011 Author Share Posted June 2, 2011 what a delicate situation. it could turn out to be really good, or really awful... random thoughts: i) is your dh good at communicating with teenage boys? would having time to get to know him and develop a relationship help them see that things belong to real people so that they will think twice the next time? ii) if the answer to one is "no", then having their parents supervise their time with you (as it was their punishment for their kids and so they need to not "steal" your time and do need to follow through on their punishment).... i think would be important. that way, the kids won't resent you the same way. iii) another idea would be to talk to a social worker who works with young offenders for tips on how to make the "work as restitution" idea work best. an aside: i supervised teens who were under court order to do community service, at a health clinic and it was hard. good for them, difficult for me. good luck! ann No, he's probably not the best at communicating with them. My thoughts, were like yours though, it could be a positive thing. But I think my husband would feel more awkward around them than mentorly. (if that's a word. :) We might possibly be moving to another house in town this summer (waiting to hear back about our offer) and I think using their help for a couple days moving might be good and give us a chance to be kind and maybe mend things a bit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeanne in MN Posted June 2, 2011 Author Share Posted June 2, 2011 Okay, I think there's a little bit of confusion--did the boys return ALL of the clubs, or did they sell a couple and then return "the rest," what was left over? That affects things significantly. All the clubs were returned. At first they only admitted to taking a couple. Then they showed up with the golf bag and nearly all the clubs. Dh didn't notice one was missing at that time, but it showed up later in my husband's truck with the tees and other balls. None were sold. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhonda in TX Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 I may have them do a few chores, or if you can't find anything for them to do I'd have dh supervise them working to clean up trash and weeds in a local park (equal to the amount of time dh spent looking for his clubs). However, I think if I were your dh I'd consider scheduling a grueling (made up) work schedule to scare them, but taking them our for a coke and a good talking to by a police officer friend instead. Since they returned the clubs and they were not damaged, treating them with grace and forgiveness may set a better example than anything else. Kids make mistakes and do stupid things so making a good impression of forgiveness may go a long way in how they interact with children when they are adults. I would agree with this if they returned them voluntarily. However, they returned them because they were caught, which is a totally different situation. To the OP, I think a schedule, showing how many hours need to be worked off, would be in order. That could be determined by how much it would have cost your DH to replace the clubs and bag. Maybe if they have an idea of the value of what they stole, that would leave a good impression on them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 (edited) I agree with previous posters that these kids could volunteer somewhere else. If we were in your shoes we would probably forgive the kids with no strings attached and move on. However, since the parents are the ones who came up with the plan to work off the theft I would feel obligated to honor that by suggesting volunteer work. To the parents: "We forgive him and don't really need any manual labor. If you want to drop working-off the theft or instead have him do some volunteer work, we're fine either way. You know best!" If they try to put it back in your hands (what charity? How many hours?) I would be ready to say 'it's entirely up to you, we consider the matter closed'. I wouldn't share concerns about having their kid on your property. eta: just saw about possible move: I think that would be actually helpful and like you wrote give you all a chance to work together and get to know each other. I'd be more comfortable with this instead of the 'chain gang' feel of forced labor! Edited June 2, 2011 by happi duck Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JennyD Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 If you have some obvious and discrete tasks that they can do -- like the moving -- then by all means I'd have them do that, but I don't think it's your responsibility to figure out an appropriate penalty/punishment for their misbehavior. If having them around is going to be more hassle then help, then I'd just tell the parents 'thanks for taking this seriously, but we don't need any help around the house right now.' In the final analysis, it's the parents' lesson to teach. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 What if you go ahead and line up some heavy outdoor work that needs to be done, then let the parents know that you don't have the time or desire to supervise the work, so one or more of the parents will need to take that on. I know it's a hassle, but I applaud the parents for being willing to make their sons make restitution in some way more meaningful than simply returning the clubs or writing a check. I think it's important to help the families send a clear message to their sons NOW and to honor that the parents take this very seriously. (And I'd be willing to bet that this isn't the only punishment for these kids. They're grounded 'til they're 30! At leat, my kids would be.) If you really don't want them on your property, how about contacting a community agency that needs some heavy outdoor work done--clearning trails at the park, hauling compost at a community garden, or helping landscape at a shelter? ETA: OO! Thought of another good one....cleaning the dog kennels at the pet shelter. Bleah. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TracieT Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Teenagers just seriously don't think. Chances are they aren't repeat offenders, especially knowing the way the parents reacted. I think they just try things to see what it's like and see if they can get away with it. I think it would be great to have them do a few things. Mow, clean up the yard. I think the best thing would be, like others mentioned, if your dh would have them help him do something. Like if the garage needs to be cleaned out, have them help him do it...work along side him and you bring out lemonade for them. Not as much making them serve time doing physical labor, but show them that they did something hurtful to real people. Kids that age don't put those pieces together. I think it would be really good for them to do something like that and just understand that their actions did affect someone else. Don't make it about THEM and their punishment...show them it's about you and what their actions did. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Marple Posted June 2, 2011 Share Posted June 2, 2011 Haven't read the other responses yet. While I think the "work it off" thing is a good idea, I don't believe it is your responsibility to do the supervising. That, IMO, is the parents' responsibility. If the parents think their kids should work it off, they should bring their kids over and supervise the process. That would alleviate any possibility of resentment, further theft, or vandalism. If you are uncomfortable with any of them around your place, I think having them do some community service is also a great idea. It removes you from the position of "bad guy". Maybe it could be a position at the place of your choice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 I was in a similar situation a few years ago. I felt like I was the one expected to do the disciplining. If you don't want them to work at your house then let the parents find something else for them to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 How would you handle this situation? I would ask to be paid for the lost items and then for the PARENTS to handle their kids. Seems lazy to make YOU discipline them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Little Nyssa Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 Maybe some community service at their school? I agree I might not want them around, but they need to know that they WILL get their comeuppance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 I would ask to be paid for the lost items and then for the PARENTS to handle their kids. Seems lazy to make YOU discipline them. I can see where you're coming from. I suppose I see it as appropriate, though, given the ages of the students. We're not talking about an 8 or even 12 year old who tromped through the neighbor's daisies, we're dealing with young adults who (IMO) need to start realizing that -as such- they are accountable for their poor choices to more than just mommy and daddy. These are citizens who will soon be or are driving, voting, graduating. I think it's acceptable that the discipline involve the OP. I agree with another poster that these kids probably aren't the town trouble, and maybe just saw an opportunity and made a poor decision together in a tempting situation. This would be a good opportunity to show them that there are victims to even the most harmless and fun-seeming of acts/choices/crimes. I don't see it as lazy parenting at all. Maybe some community service at their school? I agree I might not want them around, but they need to know that they WILL get their comeuppance. I agree. I'd probably go one step further and use this as a chance to show the kids that reparations go a long way (and don't always have to be punishment) (as opposed to a disciplinary action). The kids are golfers who stole golf clubs. Have them put on a one-day golf clinic for kids in town, free of charge. This puts some of the onus back onto the parents, as well. Or have them stage a golf fundraiser (maybe at the driving range, if not a course) and donate the money to your favorite charity in your name. They -and their parents- will have to do the legwork as to securing permission and all of the planning, etc. I just think there are more creative ways to hammer the point home, without creating resentment (which, IMO, would only lessen any lesson the adults were attempting to give). Community service is an excellent solution. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrganicAnn Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 I would ask them to work at soup kitchen. They could ask the person in charge to write a short letter (to you and parents) at the end of the summer indicated their work ethic and attitude. Or pick up the trash along the sidewalks and streets - not just in front of your property. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oldskool Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 :iagree: Another option would be to make them volunteer somewhere like an elderly neighbor's yard or a soup kitchen. :iagree: This seems like a great option. Lesley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dawn in OH Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 Another option would be to make them volunteer somewhere like an elderly neighbor's yard or a soup kitchen. This is what I would suggest also. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2cents Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 I'm not really crazy about the parents leaving the 'punishment' up to you. It seems like they are avoiding their responsibility. I also wouldn't like the prospect of having the boys around and having to take on the liability of them working on my property. Personally, I would tell the parents that they are liable for any monetary damages and can settle that with you. After that, how they choose to recoup that from their teen or punish him is up to them. It is like you are penalized 2x: once by being robbed and the second time by having to deal with the punishment. Each time, you are the 'bad guy'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheryl in NM Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 I haven't read the previous posts. In my mind you agreed to settle, the families are willing to commit to that settlement and to now file charges would be a breach. The time to file charges was before agreeing to let the boys work off their crime. I understand you don't trust them and might fear them. I would too, especially since it seems that they haven't taken responsibility for the crime yet (saying that they "found" the clubs and not admitting to taking them outright from your property). That being said, leaving golf clubs out front is not really taking good care of them. Not that you shouldn't be able to leave them out front, it's just not a good idea nowadays. I'd work the boys, outside in the heat manual labor. I'd provide ice water and maybe a cookie or two. You want this to be a learning experience for them, but to show them grace. Your kindness will be remembered in their adulthood and it will matter. If you don't have any real work, have them wash the car everyday. Dig holes and re-fill them. Have them dig out a flower bed for you, then teach them to plant flowers. Whatever you do, work them hard, make them sweat and treat them nice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foxbridgeacademy Posted June 3, 2011 Share Posted June 3, 2011 I'd have them do work at a local homeless shelter/soup kitchen type place. Give them something that when they're done they can be proud of. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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