How to handle Mother's Day with a not so nice Mother

[wendylee]

Mothers' Day is coming up. For those of you with mothers that were or are not as healthy as you would like; how do you handle Mother's Day?

 

My mother has made it clear to me and my siblings behind my back that she pretty much hates everything about me and my kids, well, except for the cute ten year old girl. She thinks our mentally disabled child will just grow out of it, and walks out of the room if he makes any kind of noise. She HATES my husband and goes out of her way to say disparaging comments. We've gently distanced ourselves from her, both physically and emotionally.

 

She dotes on my brothers, and is in fact paying for a three day hotel stay for her and them while my brother graduates from college this weekend. It's a six hour trip for us so we didn't plan on going; neither were we invited. :>) I got a card for my graduation after my godmother insisted that my mom at least do something to acknowledge it.

 

Suffice it to say we've got a long history of dysfunction. She sent me a list of things she wants for Mother's Day. I thought that was pretty tacky, and I don't want to spend any money on her, but I also want to tactfully honor her in a way that shows my children that even though people in your life are super nuts and pretty mean, you still do the right thing. If that makes any sense.

 

Sorry for rambling, but how do you handle it? I'm interested in hearing your stories.

[Occasionally]

:grouphug: and :lurk5:

 

Wish I knew. Just a card?

[arghmatey]

I'd cut her off and never look back. Shared DNA doesn't excuse abhorrent behavior.

[junepep]

That was extraordinarily tacky of her.

 

Send her a card if you feel that you must do something. I simply call my mom.

[*Lulu*]

The passive-aggressive in me would want to make a donation in her name to an organization that works with special needs children, or a group that works with adults that have personality disorders. (My kids would never need to know WHY I chose that particular charity/organization.)

 

Or you could just send her a nice card.

[ChandlerMom]

I second the idea of just a card, which is still probably more than she deserves. :tongue_smilie:

 

Honestly, Mother's Day is IMO one of those modern Hallmark holidays. It originated to honor under-appreciated mom's back in the day women often had a child at home their whole lives. THe point IMO was to honor what they had done THAT YEAR for their kids.

 

IMO is really just appropriate when the child is living at home (or at least not yet a parent themselves), or if the mother is very actively helpful/supportive/involved. We just do cards in my family, and my mom is great! :D

 

Can you give a lump of coal for M Day? :lol:

 

ETA: As to "honoring" -- doesn't sound like she's big on honoring her children. We chose to be honest with our kids, just matter-of-factly. We don't want our kids to think anything, even being family, excuses abuse or that they should ever have to put up with abusive behavior from ANYONE. Those are "teaching moments" to discuss how good people can behave badly, how to stand up for yourself, etc.

 

PS: If I acted like your mom when my kids are grown I hope they tell me to shove off. And, if I've done my job right, they would. :D DH and I don't feel our kids owe us anything, and we just hope if we do a good enough job they'll want us in their lives when they're grown. So far so good. ;)

Edited May 4, 2011 by ChandlerMom

[2cents]

Well, I'm probably no help. I spent years sending gifts etc. to dysfunctional family members (including mom). The issues all came to a head a few years ago and I went no contact. It just seemed absurd and hypocritical to continue to send cards and gifts expressing a sentiment I didn't feel. The fact that I didn't get any reciprocation wasn't helping either. That was when I decided that it wasn't serving any purpose for the children to see me continually being discounted by those family members. It was more important for me to let them see me choosing to spend my time with those family members that really count.

[wendylee]

I'd cut her off and never look back. Shared DNA doesn't excuse abhorrent behavior.

 

Can I put that on a T-shirt?

[BakersDozen]

After trying for years to find the right gift (like OP we were often given a list...tacky) we decided to just send a card and call. That's it, no gift. Just finding a card is hard enough as most express sentiments we do not feel toward either of our mothers. The gift we dropped because we detest the forced commercialism the day has become as well as the expectations our moms put on us.

 

I have to confess that we both try to call our moms at times we hope they are not home so we can just leave a message, the relationships are that strained.

 

To make things worse my mom was born May 9 and makes it very clear she expects both a Mother's Day celebration and a bday celebration. So I just send her two cards. No more gifts.

 

It's hard, I know. I detest this particular day possibly more than any other during the year.

[wendylee]

The passive-aggressive in me would want to make a donation in her name to an organization that works with special needs children, or a group that works with adults that have personality disorders. (My kids would never need to know WHY I chose that particular charity/organization.)

 

Or you could just send her a nice card.

 

LOL!! Yessssss!!!!!!

[BakersDozen]

I'd cut her off and never look back. Shared DNA doesn't excuse abhorrent behavior.

Can I put that on a T-shirt?

I want a t-shirt, too! I just shared our news with family this morning and am now experiencing the lovely emails in response. :glare: Thank goodness they don't know I'm having twins...they think I'm ruining my life one baby at a time still.

[OnTheBrink]

I'd cut her off and never look back. Shared DNA doesn't excuse abhorrent behavior.

 

Amen. Sometimes the most honoring thing is to just not engage.

 

That said, my mother is not speaking to me until God changes my heart (how she will know this is a mystery to me; she lives 2000 miles away), so I feel no real obligation to do anything for her. She chose to pull this silent treatment carp and I am not going to play into her manipulation. So, I'm not doing squat for her. I'm DONE with it all. DONE DONE DONE.

[prairiewindmomma]

Pop a card in the mail and be done with it. Keep in mind that your children are watching how you treat obnoxious people. I still believe it can be done with love and grace, even if they are completely "undeserving" of it.

 

(I have a wonderful mother and The Queen of Passive-Aggressivia for a MIL. )

[Jennifer3141]

The passive-aggressive in me would want to make a donation in her name to an organization that works with special needs children, or a group that works with adults that have personality disorders. (My kids would never need to know WHY I chose that particular charity/organization.)

 

Or you could just send her a nice card.

 

:iagree:

 

March of Dimes come to mind and you are awesome, BLA! :D

[wendylee]

"I still believe it can be done with love and grace, even if they are completely "undeserving" of it."

 

 

 

That's exactly what I want to aim for. The kids know that she's not a nice Grandma. Thank heavens I have a lovely godmother right next door who is the mother I always wanted!

[SweetMissMagnolia]

wouldn't do anything.......... :grouphug:

[sunriseiz]

Pop a card in the mail and be done with it. Keep in mind that your children are watching how you treat obnoxious people. I still believe it can be done with love and grace, even if they are completely "undeserving" of it.

 

 

:iagree:, especially the kids are watching part.

 

I just ordered a few photos of the kids at costco.com last night, one says Happy Mother's Day, and had them shipped directly. Done. My kids might make cards and I am happy to help them mail them.

 

:grouphug:

[SonshineLearner]

Maybe a poster with pictures of all your kids... and ones of your mom... with a "Happy Mother's Day" Caption at the top....

[Jenny in Florida]

Can I put that on a T-shirt?

 

I'll take one, too, please.

 

I have no contact with my "family of origin," as they call it. Several years of court battles kind of makes sending even a card seem, I don't know, silly?

 

Normally, on Mother's Day, I just try to focus on my own kids. This year, I'm struggling a bit. There's a thing going around Facebook suggesting that everyone change their profile pictures to photos of their mothers from now until Sunday. I'm fighting the urge to make mine blank in honor of the occasion.

 

In your situation, if you are trying to maintain some kind of relationship, I'd probably go with a simple--not fake or gushy--card.

[wendylee]

What got me scratching my head this year was that she sent a LIST of what she wanted for Mother's Day.

 

This is the same woman who on the day of my Nana's funeral this past October decided she would rather lock herself in her room for 24 hours rather than engage with us, who had driven 6 hours to get there.

[foxbridgeacademy]

The passive-aggressive in me would want to make a donation in her name to an organization that works with special needs children, or a group that works with adults that have personality disorders. (My kids would never need to know WHY I chose that particular charity/organization.)

 

QUOTE]

I like this idea, would give a lot of satisfaction and help those in need. I already know what I would do, we haven't spoken to my in laws in seven years. My DH's mother is mean, petty, vindictive, ect..... so we cut them all out of our lives, it was either that or end up divorced (not me, she was making DH miserable).

[Emmy]

I would send a generic-ish card with no mush. That way it's done and there won't be any questions or confusion over whether you forgot.

[arghmatey]

Yes, y'all should get tee shirts!

[RanchGirl]

Pop a card in the mail and be done with it. Keep in mind that your children are watching how you treat obnoxious people. I still believe it can be done with love and grace, even if they are completely "undeserving" of it.

 

:iagree:

[Emerkaza]

Just finding a card is hard enough as most express sentiments we do not feel toward either of our mothers.

 

I have to confess that we both try to call our moms at times we hope they are not home so we can just leave a message, the relationships are that strained.

 

Wow. I could have written those exact words. My Mother was/is verbally, emotionally and physically abusive at times. I still maintain contact with her. Why? I don't know. I feel terrible guilt about our relationship, especially now that she is elderly. How can I get past the guilt?

[Mommee & Baba]

Sounds like we have similiar mothers! :glare:

 

My mom has expectations of what her kids OWE her because she's our mother. That just boggles me. I'd NEVER expect my children to get me ANYTHING for any reason at all! They are my children and to me that's blessing enough to be called MOM because of THEM. I wish my mother saw it this way.

 

Anyhow. My mom gets a text. "Happy Mother's Day"...and that's it!

 

No guilt!

:grouphug:

[Cindyz]

How about having the kids make a handmade Mother's Day card for Grandma.

[LBS]

I agree with all the votes to send a card, which is as true as possible, and tell the kids, in as honest terms as they can handle, that you have respect for the fact that she did what she did (bore you), even if you don't/can't love her. Along the lines of "respect the office, if not the man."

 

I'm so sorry. Glad you had the wonderful godmother.

 

Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful moms who see this!

[Harriet Vane]

Send a card. Be blissfully oblivious of any and all hints or criticisms that ensue. Do not engage in any drama.

[G5052]

I wouldn't get anything more flowery than needed. That's what I've done in the past with mine.

 

Now the dementia has pretty much taken her mind, so I'm not worrying about it this year. She has no idea who I am.

[Canadianmumof5]

I'd cut her off and never look back. Shared DNA doesn't excuse abhorrent behavior.

 

I agree......however she should also have the opportunity to hear WHY you are cutting her off and then to sincerely change her behaviour. But some of these women just don't get it, and never will. I haven't spoken to mine in over 3 years.......and honestly I am at peace with it.

 

Forgiveness is for those who desire it, they may not deserve it in our estimation, but they do deserve it if they are sorry for what they have said/done in the past and try to make amends. (paraphrased from a conversation with a beloved priest)

 

Forget your mother....and celebrate being a fantastic mom YOURSELF :)

[Dobela]

My mom and I do not get along. Her latest term of endearment for me was Spawn of Satan. :glare: Well, that is unless she is on one of her emotional highs. Then she can't spend enough time or money on me. :001_huh:We do still see each other often because we live in the same town and my dad sees my kids a lot.

 

The last time I gave her a gift I honestly think she threw it in the trash. So, now I let the kids pick out gifts for her and I let them pick whatever they want. You know, because I am teaching them to be cheerful givers and all that. Well, usually they pick some ugly, tacky thing that I would never want (and I know she would hate if she was being honest). I happily wrap the ugly tacky thing and let them present it to her. She is giftd and Mother's day is recognized. Task done.

[Susan in TN]

Before I read your post, I was thinking, well, that's me this week :tongue_smilie:.

 

I'd go with a blank card that doesn't have sappy, completely untrue poetry on it, and write that you hope she has a lovely day. (OK, that might be untrue as well...;)) Maybe that you're sure she'll have a lovely time with your brother?

[elfgivas]

we send flowers to dh's mom..... via whichever florist is currently offering farmville dollars in return for an order. that way, she gets flowers and we get to play on farmville. :001_smile:

[misidawnrn]

I would send a card, if that. I do not have a good relationship with my mom either. I usually talk to her twice a year...her birthday and mother's day. Even then, I make it quick and to the point. I don't want to hear all of her religious spewings, which she will go into if I stay on long enough. Don't get me wrong, I am Christian, go to church every Sunday that I don't work, we pray before meals and I am trying to give my children the word of God but I will not listen to her type of indoctrination while she is so drunk she is slurring her words. I also don't stay on long enough to hear about how much weight she has lost (I am overweight...heard this all my life), how her next boyfriend is a piece of work, on probation, broke, addicted, worthless, etc.

So, a card, or a phone call to her message machine when you know she is not home....or nothing. That's it.

[newbie]

I'd cut her off and never look back. Shared DNA doesn't excuse abhorrent behavior.

 

I agree, to me its sending mixed messages to your kids, that is okay for people to abuse you. I know my kids dont understand that just b/c she is my mother doesnt give the right to be mean.

 

A great gift to you is put your foot down, no contact and definitely no gifts or cards or phone call. Sorry to be mean.

 

But, this year I am getting off the rollercoaster.

[kchara]

we send flowers to dh's mom..... via whichever florist is currently offering farmville dollars in return for an order. that way, she gets flowers and we get to play on farmville. :001_smile:

 

:lol::lol: That would so be us, if I had any money this week.

 

My mom's love language is gifts and holidays and such. I can't stand the woman. We have a severely dysfunctional relationship, and she basically disowned me a couple of weeks ago. To honor her, I sent her a very generic card (I refuse to go on about what a wonderful mother/grandmother/human being she was/is, because she just isn't), telling her to enjoy her day, and had DH stick in in the mail. I should probably ask him if he actually did... I got his mother the same card (I'm too lazy to go looking for two different cards for two women who we can't stand). I would've sent her Sherry's Berries, if I had had the money. Which I didn't, so I'm not losing sleep over.

[wendylee]

I just want to say thanks for everyone responding. I know this is a tender issue.

[susankenny]

In your situation, I would do one of two things.

 

!) Don't go

2) Go gracefully

 

 

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this. :grouphug:

 

 

Susan

[Abbeygurl4]

Amen. Sometimes the most honoring thing is to just not engage.

 

That said, my mother is not speaking to me until God changes my heart (how she will know this is a mystery to me; she lives 2000 miles away), so I feel no real obligation to do anything for her. She chose to pull this silent treatment carp and I am not going to play into her manipulation. So, I'm not doing squat for her. I'm DONE with it all. DONE DONE DONE.

 

 

I WISH my mother would say that to me! I'm dreading Mother's Day. :ack2:

[WishboneDawn]

Before I read your post, I was thinking, well, that's me this week :tongue_smilie:.

 

I'd go with a blank card that doesn't have sappy, completely untrue poetry on it, and write that you hope she has a lovely day. (OK, that might be untrue as well...;)) Maybe that you're sure she'll have a lovely time with your brother?

 

I like this. She sounds rather petty. No need to invest any money or emotions in a gift but a card will let you maintain your own dignity without engaging in pettiness yourself.

 

Good luck. :)

[Peela]

I think it would be healthier for your kids to see you being real- and telling them that you do love your mum but because she treats you badly, you are respecting yourself in staying distant from her.

I think theres a difference between closing your heart in bitterness towards a mother who treats you badly, and staying openhearted but distancing yourself and not playing into her games. Its healthier to take care of yourself than be nice to prove a point.

[mom2denj]

I agree, I would just send a card.

[MelanieM]

Suffice it to say we've got a long history of dysfunction. She sent me a list of things she wants for Mother's Day. I thought that was pretty tacky, and I don't want to spend any money on her, but I also want to tactfully honor her in a way that shows my children that even though people in your life are super nuts and pretty mean, you still do the right thing. If that makes any sense.

 

 

How is it doing the right thing to buy a gift you don't want to buy, for someone you don't want to buy it for? I think that's inauthentic, and I never want my kids to see me displaying inauthentic behaviour as honourable.

 

I would invite the kids to make a card for her. If they want to, great. If not, that's fine too.

[PentecostalMom]

I mail a card with cash and sometimes send flowers. I will probably call as well. My mom tends to bash all of us (or whomever is not in her esteemed favor at the moment) and our kids. Se is my mom so I try to show respect, but it is hard.

[Ginny May]

Sad to say but glad I am not alone.