Need some advice, 13yo DD "asked out"

[mommycheryl]

My dd, 13, came upstairs last night to talk to me. She received a FB friend request and message from a boy on her Battle of the Books team asking her out. I read it later, it was kind of sweet. He wanted to know if she would go out with him because thinks she is so nice. (Of course, then I wanted to reach through the screen and smack him upside the head, what is he doing asking my baby girl out. :eek:)

 

I really don't know how to handle this. DD was asking me what to do. I feel really hypocritical because at 13 I wanted to "go out" with a boy. But now, I just don't see the point. Thankfully, she hasn't been boy crazy like some of her friends. I don't like it, but I don't want to forbid her, but I certainly don't like the idea. I look at it like this: where is this going? You are either going to be with this boy forever, get married, have a family, etc or you are going to end up breaking up, probably hurting your heart and friendship. I just don't think that is how God designed us.

 

Any advice from teh BTDT crowd???

 

Cheryl

[Impish]

Diva knows that dating isn't allowed until 15-16. Its something we've been very clear about.

[elegantlion]

The response depends on your plan for dating. If you don't have one you can have her simply say, "Sorry, I'm not allowed to date yet."

 

Then it's probably a good time to create a plan. As I say this I'm making a note to discuss with dh, we probably need to create one with ds.

[Carol in Cal.]

You probably should start by clarifying what 'asked out' means.

 

Around here it means make a commitment to being boyfriend/girlfriend. In your neck of the woods, it might mean go have a burger with parents in tow.

 

Then I would say, think and pray about your specific child and this specific situation. Yes, rules are helpful. Yes, precedents can be problematic. But you have a CERTAIN child in a CERTAIN situation. Don't just blindly pick a rule and impose it.

[dcjlkplus3]

Does she *want* to go out with him? Does she think that she is ready for that? I don't think a 13 yo would be, but if she is wanting this also it will change how you deal with the situation. It could be that you are helping her when you let yourself be the bad guy (as in "my mom says that I am too young to go out with anybody") If she really wants and thinks she is ready to be going out with boys you may want to consider well chaperoned group hanging out instead at this age.

 

Disclaimer: my kids are nowhere near here yet.:D

[missmoe]

Yes, it definatly sounds like the time to figure out what your plans for dating are. In our family that age is 16.

 

I think it's great that your daughter is so open about it and even let you read the note. Way to keep communication open.

[Joanne]

My dd, 13, came upstairs last night to talk to me. She received a FB friend request and message from a boy on her Battle of the Books team asking her out. I read it later, it was kind of sweet. He wanted to know if she would go out with him because thinks she is so nice. (Of course, then I wanted to reach through the screen and smack him upside the head, what is he doing asking my baby girl out. :eek:)

 

I really don't know how to handle this. DD was asking me what to do. I feel really hypocritical because at 13 I wanted to "go out" with a boy. But now, I just don't see the point. Thankfully, she hasn't been boy crazy like some of her friends. I don't like it, but I don't want to forbid her, but I certainly don't like the idea. I look at it like this: where is this going? You are either going to be with this boy forever, get married, have a family, etc or you are going to end up breaking up, probably hurting your heart and friendship. I just don't think that is how God designed us.

 

Any advice from teh BTDT crowd???

 

Cheryl

 

Yes, I have advice but you probably know I am on the "give the kids a wide range" side.

 

IMO, it is counter productive to say "no". Honestly, at that age, "going out" is just something they call each other. I'd allow it (because, honestly, I can't easily disallow it) with boundaries of supervision, limits on Facebook, texts and email and with coaching from parents.

 

Nature/God designed bodies to be interested in intimate connection starting around that age. (I do not use intimate connection in the limited, only sex, way). I think that not only is it ok, but it is *preferable* to allow children age-appropriately supervised relationships while they are young, and help them through the stuff.

 

I've shared this before, but my oldest's first love interest had ***way*** too much drama, so much so that I almost did cut it off for him. Instead, I helped him. He's 16 now, and stays far away from relationship drama for himself and identifies it in his friends. He had a relationship with a chronically ill young women, and accompanied her to her yearly bone marrow test. It was good for him to have a taste of what that kind of care looks like in a committment. (They broke up just under a year ago, and are now back together).

 

Our kids grow up. I vote for letting them do so in ways that we can still be there, watch and help to prepare them for when we can't.

[Veritaserum]

Diva knows that dating isn't allowed until 15-16. Its something we've been very clear about.

 

:iagree: Do you have a family rule about dating? If not, get one. :) We teach no dating until 16. Group dating/limited one-on-one until ready to start finding a spouse. Lots of first dates at that stage with 2nd and 3rd+ dates if the person still seems like a good fit for what you want in marriage.

[angela in ohio]

FB him back and ask if he is ready to support her. ;)

 

My 15 yo dd has had a few incidents like this over the past few years. She lives in a lovely bubble where 11 yos don't "go with" anybody, so when the guy she plays basketball with at the Y asks her to be BF/GF on FB or a guy she meets at shadow day at the private school asks her out, she is a bit shocked. I taught her how to decline politely, not saying anything negative about the boy, but just saying that she is waiting until college to date anyone and focusing on her school work right now. Her previous response was to wrinkle up her nose and say "no way." :lol:

[Remudamom]

Thirteen is too late to start enforcing dating rules. Our kids have known from a much younger age that there will be no casual dating. That's not to say there will be no dating. But there **** sure wouldn't be any dating at 13.

[Remudamom]

FB him back and ask if he is ready to support her. ;)

 

My 15 yo dd has had a few incidents like this over the past few years. She lives in a lovely bubble where 11 yos don't "go with" anybody, so when the guy she plays basketball with at the Y asks her to be BF/GF on FB or a guy she meets at shadow day at the private school asks her out, she is a bit shocked. I taught her how to decline politely, not saying anything negative about the boy, but just saying that she is waiting until college to date anyone and focusing on her school work right now. Her previous response was to wrinkle up her nose and say "no way." :lol:

 

Perfect.

[texasmama]

Early on, we made a decision not to allow dating (or whatever term that young teens refer to coupling up) until dd was at least 16. Fortunately, it has not been an issue except for once, when a boy she had never met but "knew" through a friend "asked her out". She was 14. She accepted but immediately told me because she didn't really want to "date" him and also knew that this was against our rules. I helped her to gracefully back out of it, blaming it on "the parents". She will be 16 in July, and I am still not a fan of dating in high school. (And I dated a LOT in middle and high school...probaby why I am against her dating.)

 

She and I have also talked about what would happen if she wants to date before we approved. I assured her that I would much rather talk to her about her wishes and take everything on a case by case basis than have her sneak around. She is very well supervised so sneaking around is not much of an option as far as going somewhere, but she could carry on a phone/text "relationship" without our knowledge, and she and I have discussed this. All of this has been an opportunity for a lot of good discussion about what dating is, the purpose, the pitfalls, etc. She has seen a lot of "drama" related to dating at her private school so she "gets it". Since she is a trustworthing young lady, I grant her the trust she has earned and make sure that the door is always open for discussion between us. I was relieved when she came to me with the issue when she was 14 and didn't become angry, just helped her to fix it in a way that made her feel better and preserved the young man's feelings. We have been fortunate in this area.

 

FWIW, I also gave her a copy of "I Kissed Dating Goodbye", which is not a perfect book (and comes from a Christian perspective), but it was a good springboard for discussion. I read it, as well. I am also very open and honest about the heartache, wasted time and energy, etc. which resulted from my own teenage dating forays. Majoring in boys in college didn't do me any favors, either. lol I don't ever fall into the trap (with anything) of "I did it so how do I not allow my kids to do it". I am honest and open with my teen about my mistakes, while being clear that she is a separate person who will make her own mistakes...and I will be there to love her through them.

 

Hope that helps. It is kind of like feeling your way through an unfamiliar room in pitch dark, but there are some road signs if you look really hard.:001_smile:

[Danestress]

It seems unkind to say "are you ready to support her for life?" or some other pointed response to a sweet boy. It's not really necessary to educate him about your ideals. A simple "no" will hurt enough. These things are a significant event in a kid's life. If a girl asked my son out I would not let him say, "Hmmm, well, are you ready to clean my house and bear my children?" though I definitely agree that kids have no reason to be "going out" at 13, and in my experience, the girls seem very interested in doing so. For us, no how, no way. But I wouldn't want to shame a girl who had parents who don't think the same way I do. It's hard enough to be a young girl, and it's hard enough to be a 13 year old boy!

 

If you don't want her to date, suggest that she tell him, "My parents are really strict about these things. Maybe we can go out when I am 18. But thank you for asking," or something like that.

[angela in ohio]

It seems unkind to say "are you ready to support her for life?" or some other pointed response to a sweet boy.

 

If this was in reply to me, I was just joking, thus the ;). I actually agreed not to hurt his feelings in the rest of my post, as that is what I teach my dd.

[missmoe]

Thirteen is too late to start enforcing dating rules. Our kids have known from a much younger age that there will be no casual dating. That's not to say there will be no dating. But there **** sure wouldn't be any dating at 13.

 

I don't think thirteen is too late to figure it out. Sometimes parenting is like flying by the seat of our pants. You make it up as you go along. I think this is a great oppurtunity for parents and child to have some discussions on relationships, growing up, figuring things out, ect. Don't feel like it's too late because you haven't figured it out yet.

[Annie G]

In our area, 'going out' at that age means what 'going together' or 'going steady' meant when we were in school. He may or may not actually intend to go anywhere with her. It likely means he wants her to be his girlfriend, which is a far jump from 'would you like to go see a movie this weekend?"

Sounds like you need to strap yourself in- the 'fun' years have arrived.

[Starr]

It's the best way to loose a good friend. I think she could save herself and the young man a lot of discomfort by just saying she isn't dating yet.

[parias1126]

At the age of 13, when a boy asks a girl to "go out" with him, as silly as it may sound, that doesn't actually mean to go out somewhere. It is just their way of putting labels on their relationship. If she says yes, then he can call her his girlfriend. At least this is how it was for my DD who is now 18. It disnt start to get more serious to where she actually went out to a place with a boy until about 16. I think at 13, they are still in the "goofy stage" of things if that makes sense. After my experience with my oldest DD doing the "real" dating thing at 16, I will never ever ever let any of my youngers date until they are 18 and only with constant supervision at that time (as you can see by my signature).

Edited April 22, 2011 by parias1126

[Starr]

I think this culture is funny. I mean asking someone out on fb? How comfortable can they really be together if they can't talk and already know what the answer is going to be?

[Mad Jenny Flint]

I think when the maturity level isn't there, it isn't there. No amount of help from you is going to create basic maturity/readiness in your child. Some of that is just about time and development. I would vote no on "going out" at a young age. It *is* just something they call each other, and there become a lot of emotional strings attached to the relationship which, in my opinion, get in the way of healthy friendship and just plain growing up together. Why label something that can be healthy and innocent with such a grown-up label?

 

So, this is how I talk to my kids about it. I think plenty of parents have well-reasoned responses as to how they do it, even when they do it differently; this is just my take.

[Caitilin]

It's the best way to lose a good friend. I think she could save herself and the young man a lot of discomfort by just saying she isn't dating yet.

 

:iagree: And, secondarily, if she genuinely likes the boy, can't she say something like, "I don't go out, but do you want to come over for dinner/movie/game night/whatever at my house," when parents will be around? Then, if he DOES want to come over, it'll be easier to see if he really likes HER, whether she really likes HIM, and gives them an opportunity to get to be real friends, not a fake bf/gf relationship. Why turn down a potential friend?

Also, I don't agree with waiting for all boy/girl relationships till they are grown up--people need practice, for heaven's sake! :D:tongue_smilie:

[mommycheryl]

In our area, 'going out' at that age means what 'going together' or 'going steady' meant when we were in school. He may or may not actually intend to go anywhere with her. It likely means he wants her to be his girlfriend, which is a far jump from 'would you like to go see a movie this weekend?"

Sounds like you need to strap yourself in- the 'fun' years have arrived.

 

For the majority of kids here, this is what it means. Be my girlfriend, mostly it seems to me for the purpose of having a bf/gf, but we don't actually go anywhere. She has one friend who's parents let her and her boyfriend go to the movies together and according to friend, they sit in the back and kiss. DD reaction to that is "no way, gross." :) (so glad we are still there.)

[mommycheryl]

Thank you all for your replies. As I just replied above, it is the "label only" gf/bf thing here, for most kids. And honestly, I think the appeal to her is more that everyone else is "going out" with someone. That said, she is also the voice of reason to many of her friends with the relationship drama, pointing out that they deserve so much better than this garbage so why bother with it.

 

We do have a no dating until they are older rule. I not sure we have ever established an actual diffinative age for that, I'm not sure 16 is when either of my kids would be ready, but she does know it isn't until at least that age.

 

I think that I will encourage her to turn him down nicely, maybe a "My parents don't allow me to date yet, but having friends is great. Check back when we are 16" kind of thing. And I agree, encouraging her to have this boy as a friend, he is welcome to hang out here, etc., is probably a good way to head off the "secret" email/fb/texting relationships.;)

 

Cheryl

[BeckyFL]

My dd, 13, came upstairs last night to talk to me. She received a FB friend request and message from a boy on her Battle of the Books team asking her out. I read it later, it was kind of sweet. He wanted to know if she would go out with him because thinks she is so nice. (Of course, then I wanted to reach through the screen and smack him upside the head, what is he doing asking my baby girl out. :eek:)

 

I really don't know how to handle this. DD was asking me what to do. I feel really hypocritical because at 13 I wanted to "go out" with a boy. But now, I just don't see the point. Thankfully, she hasn't been boy crazy like some of her friends. I don't like it, but I don't want to forbid her, but I certainly don't like the idea. I look at it like this: where is this going? You are either going to be with this boy forever, get married, have a family, etc or you are going to end up breaking up, probably hurting your heart and friendship. I just don't think that is how God designed us.

 

Any advice from teh BTDT crowd???

 

Cheryl

 

Now is the time to decide what the rule is going to be for your family. What age do you want them to be allowed to start dating? For my family, it was no where near 13, but that's just us. Whatever you do will end up being the norm for everyone in your family.

[simka2]

We just went thru the same thing with dd10:glare:. I was not thrilled that this issue walked into her life so early. We chose to tell her that, "No, she is not allowed to be someones girlfriend, but they are more than welcome to be friends." I encouraged her to be honest if she "liked" him, but those were our rules. She has enjoyed the attention and it has provided lots of fodder for great discussions. As a result, she has been spending a lot of one on one time with her Daddy ;).

[happypamama]

I think that I will encourage her to turn him down nicely, maybe a "My parents don't allow me to date yet, but having friends is great. Check back when we are 16" kind of thing. And I agree, encouraging her to have this boy as a friend, he is welcome to hang out here, etc., is probably a good way to head off the "secret" email/fb/texting relationships.;)

 

Cheryl

 

I don't have teens yet, but I like this response. I'm definitely not in favor of casual dating, or early dating, at all. Otoh, he sounds like a genuinely nice guy -- I mean, he chose to ask her out because he thinks she's nice! A guy who is recognizing inner qualities (and not focusing on physical attraction -- not to say he doesn't think she's pretty, but it sounds like he's seeing more than that) -- he just might be the kind of guy who has his head on straight. I think encouraging a friendship, letting him hang out, etc. is a great plan. Perhaps in a few years, it will develop into more, and maybe it won't, but it sounds like they know each other in a group setting, and he is interested in getting to know her better, so it seems reasonable to be supportive of that.

[myfunnybunch]

Haven't read the other responses, so forgive me if I repeat.

 

If she is simply not interested in spending time with this boy at all, you're the fall guy: "Sorry, my parents say I can't spend time with boys." Same goes if you simply don't allow it at all.

 

If she thinks he's nice and wants to spend more time with him, and you're open to that, you could offer her the option of asking him to spend time with your whole family by coming to dinner or watching movies at your house or going on an outing with your family. IMO, that is plenty for a young teen.

 

This is a great opportunity to talk together about boys and dating and so forth. :)

 

Cat

[*********]

I think this culture is funny. I mean asking someone out on fb? How comfortable can they really be together if they can't talk and already know what the answer is going to be?

 

THIS.

 

When my boys get to that age, I would be SHOCKED if they asked a girl 'out' over facebook. Or any other way, for that matter, at 13.

 

I realize our views on dating/courting are very different from others. But we will not be encouraging our boys to 'date' at all. And courting is saved for when you've met a young lady, have gotten to know her, her character, her family, her goals, her relationship with the Lord. Also, both our son and the young lady need to feel they are possibly ready for marriage; to us, that would include our son being in the position to support a wife and a home. Then, if ds feels it's possible the Lord may have him to marry this young woman, then he may discuss courting the young lady with her, us, and idealy her parents as well.

 

All of which probably looks a LOT different than many people's idea of dating. :D

 

Of course, when my boys become adults, they may decide to do otherwise. I have no control over that. Dh and I do, however, have a responsibilty to the Lord to raise them up in a Godly way while they are under our supervision, and to us, that means no 'dating'.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

At the age of 13, when a boy asks a girl to "go out" with him, as silly as it may sound, that doesn't actually mean to go out somewhere. It is just their way of putting labels on their relationship. If she says yes, then he can call her his girlfriend. At least this is how it was for my DD who is now 18. It disnt start to get more serious to where she actually went out to a place with a boy until about 16. I think at 13, they are still in the "goofy stage" of things if that makes sense. After my experience with my oldest DD doing the "real" dating thing at 16, I will never ever ever let any of my youngers date until they are 18 and only with constant supervision at that time (as you can see by my signature).

 

I understand what you're saying, but I don't really understand the teen thinking behind it. How is it less serious to put a possessive label on someone: my boyfriend, my girlfriend; than to actually share experiences with them.

 

I can see that I need to think through this stage again. It came up a few years back and I was able to put it off (uh, no, you can't "date" at 10). But it's time to revisit it again.

 

Not that I'm a fan of some of the way that courting can be handled (which seems to sometimes encourage pairing up too early or to suggest that women are handed off from a father to a husband), but looking back at even my college dating, I can't see that I got a lot out of it that was positive. I will encourage my kids to stick with being just friends with lots of people until they are ready to consider starting a family.

[Mynyel]

My dd, 13, came upstairs last night to talk to me. She received a FB friend request and message from a boy on her Battle of the Books team asking her out. I read it later, it was kind of sweet. He wanted to know if she would go out with him because thinks she is so nice. (Of course, then I wanted to reach through the screen and smack him upside the head, what is he doing asking my baby girl out. :eek:)

 

I really don't know how to handle this. DD was asking me what to do. I feel really hypocritical because at 13 I wanted to "go out" with a boy. But now, I just don't see the point. Thankfully, she hasn't been boy crazy like some of her friends. I don't like it, but I don't want to forbid her, but I certainly don't like the idea. I look at it like this: where is this going? You are either going to be with this boy forever, get married, have a family, etc or you are going to end up breaking up, probably hurting your heart and friendship. I just don't think that is how God designed us.

 

Any advice from teh BTDT crowd???

 

Cheryl

 

OMG I am breaking out in goosebumps and a cold sweat about this.

 

My dd13 doesn't want anything to do with boys... yet. I knee jerk reaction his no, not only no but h e l l no.

 

Upon thinking upon it though I say... no. 13 is just tooo young.

 

I do remember being 13, but I was a public school student and did everything outside the house :glare:, mom was either unaware or didn't say anything. I opt for the former with my mom.

 

So, there is the long and short of it. Not old enough, wait a few years then maybe.

 

Ugh, I dread this.

[6packofun]

Simply ask her what the point of going out with him would be and how is that any different from being friends?

 

Want to get to know him better? Friends do that--even better than boyfriends/girlfriends many times, IMO. (Friends may also have an understanding that they like each other a little more than others ;) and that's OK, even if they aren't going to do anything about it yet. )

 

Anything else pretty much falls into 2 categories:

 

Being able to call each other boyfriend and girlfriend and "claim" one another or pair off like society and peers pressure them to do

AND/OR

Becoming physical and obvious in their affection for one another.

 

Are either of these things great additions to a friendship at age 13?

[CalicoKat]

how old is the boy?

 

Perhaps a group activity with a few more friends?

 

Here the answer would be, "Dating is an activity for those who are ready/able to be married. So no dating yet."

[lauracolumbus]

In our area, 'going out' at that age means what 'going together' or 'going steady' meant when we were in school. He may or may not actually intend to go anywhere with her. It likely means he wants her to be his girlfriend, which is a far jump from 'would you like to go see a movie this weekend?"

Sounds like you need to strap yourself in- the 'fun' years have arrived.

 

This is the way it is in our neck of the woods.

 

My best friend in high school had a no dating until your 16 mandate and was quite successful in circumventing this. As a pp mentioned, I'd make sure to discuss w/her that you'd rather her come back to you to discuss the situation before she started sneaking around. My best friend used me as her alibi (I wasn't aware of it until later) and was sleeping w/her boyfriend by 16. Her parents threw a fit and she ended up running away for a while.

 

An acquaintance of mine now is a grandmother after swearing that her dd15 was never unsupervised long enough for her dd to get into any trouble w/a boy.

 

Good luck,

Laura

[MrsJewelsRae]

I got asked out when I was 13 for the first time. He was cute and popular and my friends were all squealing with delight that he asked me. He was the same age as me. I remember part of me was excited because he was cute, he made my heart flutter, and because of reaction of my friends. But most of me was scared and uncomfortable. I talked to my Mom and she said yes- deep down I was really really hoping she would say no, so it would take the pressure off, I wasn't ready for this. But she thought it so cute that her little girl was growing up and getting into her first crush, and I think part of her was really proud that such an adorable popular kid was interested in her daughter. The only advice she gave me at my surprise birthday party, when he asked me out and wanted to give me a birthday kiss was "no petting"!!!! I was too embarrassed to ask what that meant but in my head I was like "OMG WTH is petting!!??". I still remember the feeling of my stomach turning when he kissed me, his lips were all sloppy and gross on mine, but I had to return it because I didn't want to hurt his feelings, plus our friends were watching and I had to act as though I was grown up enough to do this. I WASN'T!!!! This was about 17 yrs ago, and I know in today's culture kids are going a lot further, a lot faster, and there is a lot more pressure.

 

My parents became Christians shortly after this and I was so relieved when they wisely (IMO) told me I couldn't date anymore. Thankfully, that boy and I were fizzling out, he went to a different school than I, so at 13 that's a long distance relationship if you don't have a car and their house is too far to walk to! ;) And thankfully, all we'd done was kiss a few times. I became much more carefree and relaxed and made safe friendships with lots of people, because I didn't feel the pressure to date because it was an easy "nope, not allowed" rather than having to tell the person no because I wasn't interested, I hated hurting people's feelings and telling people no. My parents and I grew much closer and in a few years I was grown up enough to kindly tell people when I wasn't interested. My next boyfriend was when I was 18, and I married him and we're still married today 12 years later. :)

 

For those that are Christians, my old pastor used to say "you date to mate", I don't think it's a bad concept. Personally, we will train our children to court someone when they are old enough for it. So, if someone were asking my 13 yr old out, my answer would be HECK NO!

[Kim in SouthGa]

I think technology has thrown us into a whole new realm. I know my son had a huge crush on a girl last year, and they would text all the time-just as friends. I talked to her parents (I have a daughter also and am not sure how I am going to feel about a boy texting her:001_huh:) and the girl had told her parents she had no interest in bf/gf stuff. And I read their texts to make sure they were not inappropriate. But the funny thing was that I would watch them at social functions, and they wouldn't even talk to each other! I just thought this so weird! They are 15 now, and it is better-I see them talking and laughing together in groups, and they danced together (ballroom dancing) several times at our formal. We are very fortunate to have a great hs group that has a lot of activities for the teens-Key Club, mystery dinner, spring formal, weekly classes, etc. And they all get together for birthdays and just to go to movies or lunch. So, they have plenty of time to get to know each other before they ever get to the dating stage. Our hs group has over 100 families, and there are only about 5 teen "couples" that I know, and none under 15. I think providing lots of group interaction, supervised ;), takes the pressure off that whole need for gf/bf.

We don't do facebook for the kids. We may let my son soon-he is about to turn 15 and that is all he wants for his birthday. But it will be limited to 15-20 minutes per day. No phones until 13-and I would wait until 15 on that, too, but dh says it is ok. I always tell my son that no good comes from two teenagers in a car alone together. Thankfully, most of the girls in our group have parents with similar ideas of dating. It has not been bad with him, but I have a feeling it may be a different story with my 12dd! She is one of those girls who is going to look 15 or 16 when she is 13 (body wise). So I am going to have to be strict about make up and clothes. And she is going to hate me. so much fun! :glare:

I think I would just be the bad guy and say, sorry, your too young. You are welcome to talk as friends (and then monitor fb and texts) and maybe we can visit this again in a couple of years.

[Donna]

My boys are not allowed to date until 16yo. They, of course, say they are "going out" with different girls now and then but they don't "go" anywhere. I allow them to have someone over where I can supervise or allow them to bring a girl to a family function like to watch them wrestle or a ceili (Irish dance).

[Mommee & Baba]

I haven't really put much thought into the dating thing just yet...and mainly because my dc aren't reaching that age yet.

 

I know my dd7 has commented but that's because of an old family we were around thought it was cute to have her 5yr old son having gf's and I found it extremely dangerous and unhealthy so we ended up cutting ties...either way..

 

This thread has opened up my heart to what I really to do want for my children. Now I'd like to sit with dh and just bring up some basics so we can begin the process now when it arises or even when it's suggested.

 

I'm open to the idea of allowing the kids to court BUT only with the presence of one of us adults. If they want to go to a movie it's with one of us...if they want to go out to dinner then it can be something we do as a family. I know to many boys this will not be something they want but I think this is a strong foundation for a relationship AND will weed out the boys who are after other things. I'm against the "going to a movie or the mall in a group setting"...because I did things with a pile of our friends around just as much as I did when it was just the guy and I. I think that once the trust has been built up enough that allowing them to go out alone to dinner or a movie will all depend on the situation at hand.

 

I think if I push it off and not give her ANY string on courting that it can easily turn into something she'll hide from us. So I'd rather give her some say in her wanting to court but it will have to come with our rules. And I LOVE the idea of being "friends" and getting to know each other outside of the computer/facebook..ect...

[Peela]

My approach has been to not create a problem where there isn't one, and not to make rules that foster a sense of rebellion. Hormones are strong things, even at 13. We have allowed dates right from the beginning. Dd16 has had 2 relatively serious relationships and does not want another one now- she was quite hurt from the last one even though it was her that ended it.

But being hurt from a relationship break up as a teen does not ruin a life. She is ok- she has recognised the strength of those hormones and is not ready to dive back in there with anyone- she has become very discerning. She is mature. She is no longer especially naive, but has not lost her beautiful freshness and openness. She certainly is not going to jump into marriage quickly.

Ds15 has had a steady girlfriend for 6 months. He treats her like a princess. Who knew he would be like that? There really is no problem here.

I really think people just create a whole lot of beliefs about how bad dating can be based on fear and worst case scenarios, or their own experience with their own parents who didn't handle it well. It's quite possible to allow it and have healthy boundaries and not create such a big deal about it.

[Mommee & Baba]

Just talked to dh a little bit and he's in 100% agreeance on the dating/couring issue.

 

We agree that 16 is the age where there is the possibility that dating/courting at the movie or dinner without an adult.. Again depending on the relationship situation and our trust with the relationship. We do agree that allowing dating/courting sooner like 12-13 is fine with our rules of them hanging out as friends with us as a family.:001_smile:

[ChristusG]

I agree with your take on the whole thing. What's the point? Just to put labels on their relationship....and a good way to get upset in due time. I've watched my 13 year old cousin and her "relationships" on Facebook. Each week she is "in love" with a new boy, they "go out" (but not really go anywhere) and the next week they are writing mean things to each other on FB. It's crazy.

 

No dating here for a LONG time.....the point of dating is to look for someone to marry one day. My girls don't need to do that until they are 18 and ready to move out.