Apparently I "ruin Christmas" every year...

[Tree House Academy]

I just need a moment to write this out - get it off my chest, I guess.

 

I feel like Scrooge or the Grinch or something. My dh tells me that every year, my "mood" ruins Christmas (for him, I guess). Nice. :( Thanks honey!

 

Tell me how Christmas would be for you if this was your situation:

 

~Every.single.year, I have to give up my older son either the day after Christmas...or, this year, the entire week before Christmas and the entire week after Christmas! It SUCKS being divorced and having to share your child at Christmas. It sucks when your child would rather be with his dad the week before and the week after Christmas and his dad lives so far away that you can't have joint custody. It sucks when you can't say, "no" because that is your son's father and he deserves to see him too. It sucks when your ex gets your child every single break you have from school and all you get to do is school him all the time.

 

~I have OCD, depression, and health anxiety. The tend to snowball - and when one starts, the others soon follow. It never fails that winter depresses me. This year, we have had 2 feet of snow already. None of my friends can get out of their driveways and everyone I know is snowed in half the time. It is even worse when this all happens before the official START of the winter season!! So, the pattern goes like this: I get depressed, I get snowed in and have to stay home which gives me cabin fever and the depression worsens. While I sit at home with nothing else to do, I begin to worry about my health. Then my OCD kicks in and I start "checking, checking, checking" to see if I am okay. :001_huh: Yeah, I know. :glare:

 

~My husband is off this week. I love my husband, but did I mention that it is cold and snowy outside? So, this means that my dh is sitting in the living room all.day.long. He is making messes and doesn't clean up after himself. I have the kids "trained," in some ways. They know what mom will or will not tolerate and we get along just fine. Dh comes in and it is a whole new dynamic. I will be honest...I LOVE having him home...as long as he is not in the house with me or not making messes and getting on my nerves. There, I said it. *sigh*

 

~Dh and I decided a long time ago that we would not get gifts for each other for Christmas. I am fine with that, I really am. However, what fun is it for me to get up on Christmas morning and watch ONE of my two kids open 3 gifts and see his Santa stuff? Sometimes I just wish dh and I knew each other better or liked the same things or at the very least cared enough to buy something small...hell, MAKE something small even. Ho hum....

 

~ My mom can't come for Christmas this year. Just add that to my list of people I won't see for Christmas...my mom and my kid! :(

 

~Icing on the cake: we get to have a Vegan dinner with the MIL and FIL. MIL has dementia and she is a real pill to talk to at times - and the more stressed she gets (read: hosting a big dinner), the worse it is! Then we have the dear step SIL and her girlfriend coming (the vegans) and we are going to be eating tofurkey. I am so sorry to any vegans out there, but no. Just NO. I can deal with not eating too much meat (NOT on holidays), but I can't do the no butter, no cheese, etc. And here we are...having a whole dinner that revolves around cooking with none of the good stuff! Blech. If I could get out of dinner, I sure would! Now I am going to end up cooking another dinner at home christmas evening just so we can say we had some real food!

 

 

 

So yea, I guess I do ruin Christmas.

[newlifemom]

:grouphug: I'm sorry.

[Mother Superior]

That would suck. I'd hate to have to give my kid up at Christmas and to only be the "slave driver" teacher and never have any fun time. And going to a vegan Christmas dinner is not my idea of a good time. And while my DH and I don't give each other gifts either, I am seriously beginning to dislike that rule myself.

 

No words of advice, only a :grouphug:.

[LunaLee]

:grouphug:

[jewellsmommy]

gosh, I am so sorry. Reading that was enough to make my depression and anxiety kick in! I hope you will be able to find some enjoyment in the little moments. Make a yummy treat and don't worry about eating it since you won't be spending any calories on the Christmas dinner.

[i.love.lucy]

Dang. That sucks. Bah humbug.

 

Next week could you and dh go out for a date? That's what we're gonna do. Try to reconnect a little.

 

Sorry about not seeing your oldest. There's just nothing good to say. It just stinks.:grouphug:

[Samiam]

I can see that ruining Christmas. Just for a jolt of reality, and not to be mean, but you are focusing on the negative.

 

Sounds like your child is lucky to have a father that loves him enough to have an interest in him, and take time to spend with him. Sounds like you are lucky that you can one on one time with your younger child. My three children RARELY have one on one time. Not that I want an EX to share my child with, but wow, I would love to have a few days of one on one with each child. My children are lucky if they get an hour here or there.

 

You live in a cold area. Deal with it. Not trying negate mental illness, depressesion, etc, but really, find an indoor hobby.

 

You have a husband that gets a week off, snowed in, and wants to do nothing? I totally get the whole disrupt life, leave junk everywhere, my DH does the same, but really, they work HARD so we don't have to....I guess he can have a week to be a sloth.

 

Your Christmas is not fun because you just sit there and watch your child open a few gifts? Make it fun! Find other meaning, other activities, to bring to the day.

 

Sorry, not trying to be rude. But yeah, I can see why that thinking would be a downer at Christmas.

 

Write down all of the positives you have in your life now that you have written down all of the negatives. Which list is longer? Which list is more meaningful?

[SonshineLearner]

I understand, I do!! From Experience!! And.. on the Vegan thing, can you not take a few things. Wouldn't eat plastic.... (margarine) I've taken my own butter to restaurants.... And, I'd be taking a couple of dishes... So sad that they can't join. I can do no meat... but vegan is too much for me!! :(

 

Sorry!!

[jld]

Rebecca, you are hilarious! That vegan part had me lol! It's one thing to choose to be vegan, but to get it whether you like it or not . . . that's hard.

 

I hope you and your dh still manage to enjoy the holiday, anyway. Maybe sit down with a glass of wine and some nice music on in the background, and remember why you decided to spend your lives together . . .

[Mrs Mungo]

Want to pack your bikini, hop on a plane, share my full-of-the-bad-I-mean-good-stuff dinner and then go to the beach? We're hoping it won't rain.

 

:grouphug:

[happi duck]

:grouphug:

[Mama Geek]

:grouphug:

I don't know if you are a Christian, but if you are maybe focus on the birth of Christ rather than all the other stuff.

 

I have lived in Alaska during the winter. Go to a tanning bed, buy clothes that are suitable for being outside in the winter and spend some time outside doing something fun everyday. We made it a point to go cross country skiing in the dark most days after work. On days that we were off, we would drive out of the city and look to find beautiful places covered in snow or we would get into snowball fights or any number of things. We kept moving and kept active and I really enjoyed the winter there.

 

I am sorry you don't get to have you kid with you. I hated having to split time b/w my divorced parents. I am sure you kid would rather it be different as well.

[TN Mama]

:grouphug: Pop in the Casting Crowns Christmas CD and turn it up WAY loud... close your eyes... that HAS to make it better, right? :grouphug:

[Pippen]

How about going out and buying the fixings for what would be a "real" Christmas dinner to your family and serving it Christmas Eve? Or pick up one of those pre-cooked meals from the grocery store? Or throw a turkey breast in the crock pot the day after Christmas?

 

Pippen, who thinks grinchi-ness goes down better with mashed potatoes and gravy

[TN Mama]

How about going out and buying the fixings for what would be a "real" Christmas dinner to your family and serving it Christmas Eve? Or pick up one of those pre-cooked meals from the grocery store? Or throw a turkey breast in the crock pot the day after Christmas?

 

Pippen, who thinks grinchi-ness goes down better with mashed potatoes and gravy

 

:lol:

[Pippen]

:lol:

 

Just sayin' from experience. When God was handing out the Festive Genes, he must have overlooked me so I've had to develop all kinds of survival skills down through the years.

 

Rum balls work well, too.

[TN Mama]

Just sayin' from experience. When God was handing out the Festive Genes, he must have overlooked me so I've had to develop all kinds of survival skills down through the years.

 

Rum balls work well, too.

 

I'd totally have to get in on the rum balls if someone tried to serve me tofurkey :001_huh: for Christmas dinner. Uhh... no.

[Mom0012]

Sorry it's such a hard time of the year for you. We had a thanksgiving one year with my inlaws at a golf resort when my kids were little. My inlaws and SIL and BIL played golf and had no kids so they went off and had a grand time while dh and I and the baby sat in the rental. The place was in the middle of nowhere and there was nothing to do. Also, I had packed winter clothes - really heavy sweaters -- and this was in SC, so it wound up being 80 degrees and humid. To top things off, my BIL cooked the meal and he and SIL were on diets. He made a deep fried turkey (which is no different than a regular turkey but you just wind up with no gravy when you deep fry), carrots and some other plain vegetable. If it wasn't for the pies that I had bought, I think I would have cried.

 

In your case, I think I'd bring some delicious appetizer that I could fill up on before the meal. For me, that would mean a cheesy spinach and artichoke dip or crab dip. Then I'd bring a cheesecake for dessert.

 

The husband and the mess? That would drive me bonkers as well. As a matter of fact, my husband has worked home for the last 4 years and driven me bonkers almost every day with stuff like that. I just take his stuff and throw it back in his office (in a nice pile, of course) :001_smile:.

 

Also, it's got to hurt missing the holiday with your oldest every year, but I think someone else made an excellent point about trying to focus on the fact that you have one-on-one time with your younger child. Plan some special activities with that child --- shopping, roller skating, the movies, etc. That's what I like to do in the summers when each of my children take turns being at camp for a week. It really is a fun time that I look forward to.

 

Also, my husband and I don't exchange gifts either, but if you have the money, maybe plan each year to spend a little on yourself the day after Christmas or sometime during the break. Something that will perk you up and be fun for you to buy.

 

Lisa

Edited December 24, 2010 by LisaTheresa

[RoughCollie]

All I know is this: If anyone invited me to a vegan Christmas dinner, I would say no. Period. I would not go. One of my main goals in life is that I never lay eyes on a tofu turkey.

 

Of course, it is too late to do that now. I would make that understood for the rest of life, however. Yes, it would make a lot of people mad. But if my only choice is to go or not to go, I would not do it. I don't like being forced into doing things just because the others are not willing to compromise and take my needs and wants into account. If compromise is possible, then I'd go ahead and view a tofu turkey as part of that.

 

I would change the visitation schedule so that it accommodates my needs, too, if I could. I've always thought that many divorced fathers who pay child support get off really easy in the child-rearing department. The custodial parent does most, if not all, of the work required and from what I've seen, child support does not cover half of that labor plus half of the expenses involved.

 

My DH rarely cleans up after himself. It drives the kids crazy, but I'm used to it. He works long hours and he has never had to clean up after himself for his entire life. If he ever retires, he's going to learn to do it, by golly. But for now, I'm stuck with it and I just figure it's part of my job.

 

Change the no-gifts rule! Do it today! There is still time for you and your DH to go shopping (until 6 p.m. in most places).

 

As for being snowed-in, I can relate to that. DH's car won't go up the driveway -- he gets it nearly to the road, and it slides back down. So he takes my SUV to work, and it looks like this will be the second winter that there are long stretches of time that I can't go anywhere. I'm lucky though, because there is nowhere to go. No bright lights, big city, to tempt me.

 

Maybe you should get one of those SAD lights. And ask your doctor if there is some medication you can take for depression and OCD. Gosh, I really hate all that, but winter just started and it doesn't look like it is going to abate any time soon. You need to do something to alleviate your suffering.

 

All of these things are happening to you, and it sounds like they are being imposed upon you, and that you do not have a choice. Brainstorm! Figure out what you would say to a friend who is in your predicament. Find ways in which you can regain some control over these situations.

 

Try playing some music, too. I'm not a big music person, but I find that it can change my mood. I just tell everybody to be quiet if they complain that they don't like what they are hearing. And no, it's my house too, so if I don't want to wear an MP3 player while I clean, I won't. I accommodate everyone else and they can jolly well like my music or find some way to deal with it.

 

I think that is the key here: Your needs must be taken into account, too, and compromises made to accommodate them.

 

PS It is too early and I am too lazy to look up a synonym for the word accommodate -- sorry it is in every sentence.

Edited December 24, 2010 by RoughCollie

[Renee in NC]

WHY does them being vegan mean *everyone* has to be vegan?!?!?! Sheesh. I can't eat dairy, but I still make all the traditional foods for everyone else and I eat something different. I have been known to make a few dishes to accomodate those with special dietary needs. I can't imagine, aside from a serious anaphylactic response, why everyone would cater to someone's dietary needs in that way (by making everyone stick to their foods.)

 

As for the switching dc at Christmas, we have done that for years. I will say that you gave me some perspective as to how ds's father must have felt the last few years (ds spending all his non-school time with us by choice.) He went to their house school times because they insisted on school, but when we were in NC he was even spending some time during the school week with us. Your ex is the "fun parent" because he doesn't have to make him rewrite sloppy papers or learn his multiplication tables. You are the one who is forming his future, though.;)

 

Sometimes you just have to roll with the punches. Life stinks, but focusing on what *is* good goes a long way. Since you homeschool your ds, you get to spend a lot of time with him that most moms wouldn't. Your dh is home.

Tell him to clean up his messes. Tell him that you have reconsidered the whole "no present" thing and you want *something* Christmas morning. Get out of the house anyway! Do something fun, nasty weather or no nasty weather.:D

[rwilliams]

I think you have every right to be unhappy about this situation. And I really do not see how you can make a big change in your mood with little changes like music, etc.... The year Christmas stopped being fun for me I decided a big change was coming. The next year I planned a Florida vacation over Christmas. It was absolutely wonderful. Normally when I feel mildly depressed in Winter, the small changes will work. I feel like your mood is past mild. I recommend a change of scenery. Get out of town and go somewhere different where there is either sunshine or an active indoor area. Great Wolf Lodge nearby? Vacations or getting out of town to the right place will always change my mood in a differnt direction and then the small things will help the rest of the way. Being snowed in and having your husband home but inactive would drive me crazy! And if you pray, I would throw that in my action plan. Pray for God to show you a way out of the blahs. I am a very happy, positive and bubbly type personality but it is due in large part to my ability to change my environmnent to suit me not deal with stuff that doesn't work.

[elegantlion]

:grouphug::grouphug: I'm sorry. I can't see how suppressing your emotions would be helpful either. :glare:

[Pippen]

I'd totally have to get in on the rum balls if someone tried to serve me tofurkey :001_huh: for Christmas dinner. Uhh... no.

 

If someone tried to serve me tofurkey I'd probably be pouring a glass on the side too.

[Laurie4b]

Sorry it is so hard for you. I can't imagine how hard it would be not being with your ds at Christmas and other breaks. I'm getting a teeny taste of it as my oldest is now 18 and I know the time is coming soon when he may well be gone at holidays.

 

It sounds like you would like to exchange gifts with dh of some sort--maybe something small. Could you tell him that?

 

Is there a way to celebrate that is fun but doesn't tax you while you are depressed--like maybe going to a movie? My kids love movies and I've found that's a nice way to have "family time" but it doesn't require that you are in a happy mood.

 

The vegan dinner--hmmmm. Is it the kind of awful thing that will get funny with time? It does sound awful. Not one person in my family would be looking forward to it. Good for you for providing a real meal for your family!

[kwg]

If someone tried to serve me tofurkey I'd probably be pouring a glass on the side too.

 

 

That is what I was thinking!

 

I would get sick. 24 hour flu- Everyone else go and have a fun time!

[Laurie4b]

Samjam, for another jolt of reality: "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps/snap out of it" advise is not useful to someone who has depression/anxiety/OCD. It is not useful because the brain chemistry is not a choice. People with those challenges on a chronic basis do certainly struggle with negative thoughts--it's part of the brain chemistry. There are things that can help, but this kind of advise not only doesn't help, but makes things worse. I recall Barbara Bush doing some public awareness on depression. She suffered from it herself and had your beliefs about it herself, and couldn't understand why she couldn't just "snap out of it." Then she got treatment and eventually did come out of it. (Perhaps you could google that; it's the only person who jumps to mind that had those beliefs and had to overcome them to get better herself.) Not everyone has a full recovery from depression. Some people go into remission, but it recurs; some never really are without it. You may have a resilient personality and might be able to take your own advise. Thank God for that. But not everyone can.

 

A little kindness goes a long way any time of the year--but especially at Christmas.

[Night Elf]

:grouphug: for most of that. It does indeed suck.

 

However, WHY on earth would your entire dinner revolve around 2 special eaters? Why can't you have dishes that will appeal to all the eaters? Isn't that rather a selfish expectation?

[unsinkable]

Rebecca,

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I wish I could do more than give cyber hugs!

 

I hope somehow things get better.

[Soror]

I wouldn't do the whole meal either. We have special diets as well-gf/sf/df- and I eat grain free. I wouldn't dream that the whole food would be made that way. I would like a few dishes but they are making a choice and that is fine. It is not like they have an anaphlactic contact or inhalation allergy or something.

[Night Elf]

Not that I want an EX to share my child with, but wow, I would love to have a few days of one on one with each child. My children are lucky if they get an hour here or there.

 

Oh my.. if you don't have an ex that you have to share a child with, you have absolutely no idea what you're suggesting here. I can see you want to touch the OP with a dose of reality but you're kicking her when she's already down! Having to deal with an ex cannot even be compared with finding one on one time for other children. That makes my heart hurt just to hear it. And this is said from personal experience of having to deal with this type of crap for 16 long years.

[I talk to the trees]

:grouphug: Fwiw, I can completely relate regarding the snow issue. We live in "lake effect" territory, and every year, in about mid-November, I start to feel like the walls are closing in. And I agree with the person who said to get a SAD light. When we do have a day here that isn't overcast, I find that I feel so much better and get so much more done! I think you really did need to vent! Sometimes, just getting it off your chest is good, right?

 

Some things can't be changed (like the weather, or your custody arrangement.) But some things can- like Christmas dinner. Now, if it were me.... being the little mischief-maker I am, I'd probably bring a beautiful platter of cheese, sausage, and crackers, and munch happily on them, being certain to politely offer to share with everyone! (Oh! I forgot about your dietary habits! So sorry!...munch, munch, munch...)

 

[unsinkable]

Oh my.. if you don't have an ex that you have to share a child with, you have absolutely no idea what you're suggesting here. I can see you want to touch the OP with a dose of reality but you're kicking her when she's already down! Having to deal with an ex cannot even be compared with finding one on one time for other children. That makes my heart hurt just to hear it. And this is said from personal experience of having to deal with this type of crap for 16 long years.

 

Beth :grouphug:

[unsinkable]

:grouphug: Fwiw, I can completely relate regarding the snow issue. We live in "lake effect" territory, and every year, in about mid-November, I start to feel like the walls are closing in. And I agree with the person who said to get a SAD light. When we do have a day here that isn't overcast, I find that I feel so much better and get so much more done! I think you really did need to vent! Sometimes, just getting it off your chest is good, right?

 

Some things can't be changed (like the weather, or your custody arrangement.) But some things can- like Christmas dinner. Now, if it were me.... being the little mischief-maker I am, I'd probably bring a beautiful platter of cheese, sausage, and crackers, and munch happily on them, being certain to politely offer to share with everyone! (Oh! I forgot about your dietary habits! So sorry!...munch, munch, munch...)

 

 

Yeah, cental NY has gotten slammed already this year. Parts of Syracuse got over 100 inches in Dec.

 

Can I join you in the sausage and cheese platter? :D

[Night Elf]

Samjam, for another jolt of reality: "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps/snap out of it" advise is not useful to someone who has depression/anxiety/OCD. It is not useful because the brain chemistry is not a choice. People with those challenges on a chronic basis do certainly struggle with negative thoughts--it's part of the brain chemistry. There are things that can help, but this kind of advise not only doesn't help, but makes things worse. I recall Barbara Bush doing some public awareness on depression. She suffered from it herself and had your beliefs about it herself, and couldn't understand why she couldn't just "snap out of it." Then she got treatment and eventually did come out of it. (Perhaps you could google that; it's the only person who jumps to mind that had those beliefs and had to overcome them to get better herself.) Not everyone has a full recovery from depression. Some people go into remission, but it recurs; some never really are without it. You may have a resilient personality and might be able to take your own advise. Thank God for that. But not everyone can.

 

A little kindness goes a long way any time of the year--but especially at Christmas.

 

As a person with bipolar 2 and OCD which includes anxiety and depression, I want to thank you. It's so nice to know that some people truly understand that people like me don't CHOOSE to suffer from these negative emotions.

[I talk to the trees]

Yeah, cental NY has gotten slammed already this year. Parts of Syracuse got over 100 inches in Dec.

 

Can I join you in the sausage and cheese platter? :D

 

Absolutely! Oh! We do a junk food dinner:"drunken smokies" (simmered in beer and brown sugar for a couple hours), mozzarella sticks, various other bad-for-you finger foods here for Christmas Eve. And if we get much more snow, I'm afraid I'm going to have to add those rum-balls to the menu! :lol:

[RoughCollie]

And I really do not see how you can make a big change in your mood with little changes like music, etc....

 

Of course not! That's why I suggested a SAD light and medication first. Music is, at best, only a temporary mood lifter.

[cassiemc]

I can see that ruining Christmas. Just for a jolt of reality, and not to be mean, but you are focusing on the negative.

 

Sounds like your child is lucky to have a father that loves him enough to have an interest in him, and take time to spend with him. Sounds like you are lucky that you can one on one time with your younger child. My three children RARELY have one on one time. Not that I want an EX to share my child with, but wow, I would love to have a few days of one on one with each child. My children are lucky if they get an hour here or there.

 

You live in a cold area. Deal with it. Not trying negate mental illness, depressesion, etc, but really, find an indoor hobby.

 

You have a husband that gets a week off, snowed in, and wants to do nothing? I totally get the whole disrupt life, leave junk everywhere, my DH does the same, but really, they work HARD so we don't have to....I guess he can have a week to be a sloth.

 

Your Christmas is not fun because you just sit there and watch your child open a few gifts? Make it fun! Find other meaning, other activities, to bring to the day.

 

Sorry, not trying to be rude. But yeah, I can see why that thinking would be a downer at Christmas.

 

Write down all of the positives you have in your life now that you have written down all of the negatives. Which list is longer? Which list is more meaningful?

 

Totally agree.

[unsinkable]

Absolutely! Oh! We do a junk food dinner:"drunken smokies" (simmered in beer and brown sugar for a couple hours), mozzarella sticks, various other bad-for-you finger foods here for Christmas Eve. And if we get much more snow, I'm afraid I'm going to have to add those rum-balls to the menu! :lol:

 

Yummy!

 

I would just add the rum to some Coke! :lol:

[Sherry in OH]

...

~Icing on the cake: we get to have a Vegan dinner with the MIL and FIL. MIL has dementia and she is a real pill to talk to at times - and the more stressed she gets (read: hosting a big dinner), the worse it is! Then we have the dear step SIL and her girlfriend coming (the vegans) and we are going to be eating tofurkey. I am so sorry to any vegans out there, but no. Just NO. I can deal with not eating too much meat (NOT on holidays), but I can't do the no butter, no cheese, etc. And here we are...having a whole dinner that revolves around cooking with none of the good stuff! Blech. If I could get out of dinner, I sure would! Now I am going to end up cooking another dinner at home christmas evening just so we can say we had some real food!

 

 

So yea, I guess I do ruin Christmas.

:grouphug:

 

Vegan food can be very tasty. However, if you if you have tried the dishes being served and do not care for them, or are of the mindset that you do not even want to try them, either eat appetizers at home before you go or make and take something you would like to eat.

 

My children and I are vegetarian. Neither my family nor DH's family would ever eat vegetarian meals for holidays. Even when we celebrate at our house, there is meat for the non-vegetarians. When we eat at relatives' houses, I take food along. That way I know there will be something my children can and will eat. SIL (who is not vegetarian) does the same for her son.

 

Chinese restaurants and movie theatres are open on Christmas. You could start some new holiday traditions.

[flyingiguana]

Tofurkey? Seriously? There have got to be some other vegan dishes better than that. I'd hope. I'd rather have split pea soup, myself, if I were in that situation. Or a spicy beans and rice. Or enchiladas with a potato bean filling (and cheese for those who want it). Or even stir fry vegetables with tofu.

 

This business of turning tofu into things that it's not just strikes me as completely unappetizing.

 

But I suppose that menu is already set and the groceries purchased.

 

Any chance you could bring an apple pie? (With ice cream on the side as an option?) One can do a crust with oil so as to avoid the butter. Or you could do an apple compote -- with whipped cream on the side.

 

On the SNOW -- I totally understand where you're coming from. I did finally join a gym and then convince my husband that he was going to have to force me to go. There have been a few days we couldn't get out on the snowy roads, but the rest of the time, it's been a real life saver. Just getting out and seeing a wall that's farther off than 10 feet away is a real pick me up. The exercise helps too. (But this would only be helpful advice if you can get out of the house.)

Edited December 24, 2010 by flyingiguana

[Mejane]

Just sayin' from experience. When God was handing out the Festive Genes, he must have overlooked me so I've had to develop all kinds of survival skills down through the years.

 

Rum balls work well, too.

 

As does a glass (or five) of wine. ;)

 

I'm not naturally festive either. Sometimes I think I down the holidays a bit for my family, but I also know that if it weren't for me there would be no gifts, so it evens out. OP, your gripes are valid; cut yourself a break.

[MamaT]

:grouphug: My nickname around C-mas time is Grinch. I totally understand about the snow - I'm right over the mountain from you in WNC. It gets old quick. I absolutely hate having to rush to go to FL right after C-mas day and have to start school back immediately upon returning, but that is nothing compared to not having one of my kids with me (even though I won't this year - My Marine will not be home). I am so sorry. I can't even imagine having to share one of my dc during the holidays.

 

I am also having to cook for vegans for C-mas dinner. My oldest ds and his wife are vegan, but we will have food for the non-vegans as well. If I were you, I would take something with me. Whoever is cooking should have food for both - vegans and non-vegans IMO.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Kari C in SC]

I say this gently and with love. Focus on the good. Your son IS home before and after Christmas. You can call or skype with him on ON Christmas. I am sitting here this morning willing myself to get up and bake cookies for Santa. I really want to scream and hit something because my son is gone and never coming back. But, I am not going to do that. I am going to do whatever it takes to make sure my other kids have a good Christmas. Please, please, please know that I understand depression - my husband has been dealing with this for over 20 years. I know it is not as simple as brushing it off and moving on. But it does take a bit of adjusting your thought process and that is a great place to start. Give your son a call or send him text. Chat with him for awhile and then do something that gives you joy. That is what I am going to do. Many hugs to you! I will be thinking about you today and wishing only good things.

[Annabel Lee]

Samjam, for another jolt of reality: "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps/snap out of it" advise is not useful to someone who has depression/anxiety/OCD. It is not useful because the brain chemistry is not a choice. People with those challenges on a chronic basis do certainly struggle with negative thoughts--it's part of the brain chemistry. There are things that can help, but this kind of advise not only doesn't help, but makes things worse. I recall Barbara Bush doing some public awareness on depression. She suffered from it herself and had your beliefs about it herself, and couldn't understand why she couldn't just "snap out of it." Then she got treatment and eventually did come out of it. (Perhaps you could google that; it's the only person who jumps to mind that had those beliefs and had to overcome them to get better herself.) Not everyone has a full recovery from depression. Some people go into remission, but it recurs; some never really are without it. You may have a resilient personality and might be able to take your own advise. Thank God for that. But not everyone can.

 

A little kindness goes a long way any time of the year--but especially at Christmas.

 

Another HUGE "Thank you!" for posting this. I've dealt with chronic depression in the past for extremely long bouts, and live in a dark arctic place where it has been too cold to go out and throw snowballs for about 3 weeks now (it's so cold our snow is powder and doesn't stick together anyhow). Cheery music can be really annoying if your mood is low enough. PBS just ran a program showing recent findings on depression based on brain scans and tests of chemical levels in people's blood. People with chronic depression secrete more cortisol, and they do it more quickly in reaction to things than people not suffering from depression. Depression is different than having a bad day, or sadness. The high levels of cortisol that the brain is being bathed in during chronic depression can shrink a person's hippocampus, aggrivating the condition and encouraging it to persist or get worse. Brain scans after use of anti-depressants (once the people found the "right one" for them - not easy sometimes) showed that it can halt the shrinkage and even promote regrowth of new neurons.

 

(((Rebecca))), I so very much empathize with the trench it sounds like you're in emotionally. I know that what you're feeling is real. I know it's different than regular sadness; it not only involves that emotion but can be a physical battle just to get through each day due to fatigue, lack of motivation, etc. It's not laziness - there are chemicals out of balance that are the tangible, real reason for this. Don't beat yourself up.

 

I'm praying for you & hope that you're able to have some enjoyment despite the circumstances. :grouphug:

Edited December 24, 2010 by Annabel Lee

[texasmama]

:grouphug:

[texasmama]

I say this gently and with love. Focus on the good. Your son IS home before and after Christmas. You can call or skype with him on ON Christmas. I am sitting here this morning willing myself to get up and bake cookies for Santa. I really want to scream and hit something because my son is gone and never coming back. But, I am not going to do that. I am going to do whatever it takes to make sure my other kids have a good Christmas. Please, please, please know that I understand depression - my husband has been dealing with this for over 20 years. I know it is not as simple as brushing it off and moving on. But it does take a bit of adjusting your thought process and that is a great place to start. Give your son a call or send him text. Chat with him for awhile and then do something that gives you joy. That is what I am going to do. Many hugs to you! I will be thinking about you today and wishing only good things.

 

:grouphug:

[TN Mama]

I say this gently and with love. Focus on the good. Your son IS home before and after Christmas. You can call or skype with him on ON Christmas. I am sitting here this morning willing myself to get up and bake cookies for Santa. I really want to scream and hit something because my son is gone and never coming back. But, I am not going to do that. I am going to do whatever it takes to make sure my other kids have a good Christmas. Please, please, please know that I understand depression - my husband has been dealing with this for over 20 years. I know it is not as simple as brushing it off and moving on. But it does take a bit of adjusting your thought process and that is a great place to start. Give your son a call or send him text. Chat with him for awhile and then do something that gives you joy. That is what I am going to do. Many hugs to you! I will be thinking about you today and wishing only good things.

 

 

:grouphug: Kari, you are in my prayers.

[texasmama]

FWIW, I give you permission to feign illness and skip the whole vegan dinner.:glare: No guilt about that is necessary.

 

I have struggled with holidays for years due to losing several precious family members close together. I wished that Christmas would go away for several years. I opted out of as many activities as possible and allowed myself to do what was best for me, not what everyone else wanted. What a concept for a homeschooling mom, but it is possible.

 

This Thanksgiving, I opted out of all but one hour at my crazy in laws house. Met a friend from out of town at a Whataburger to visit instead. It.was.awesome.:D Made me feel very naughy and rebellious, too. Didn't hurt anyone else a bit.:glare:

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:I'm so sorry, that is a lot to deal with.:grouphug:

 

I just need a moment to write this out - get it off my chest, I guess.

 

I feel like Scrooge or the Grinch or something. My dh tells me that every year, my "mood" ruins Christmas (for him, I guess). Nice. :( Thanks honey!

 

Tell me how Christmas would be for you if this was your situation:

 

~Every.single.year, I have to give up my older son either the day after Christmas...or, this year, the entire week before Christmas and the entire week after Christmas! It SUCKS being divorced and having to share your child at Christmas. It sucks when your child would rather be with his dad the week before and the week after Christmas and his dad lives so far away that you can't have joint custody. It sucks when you can't say, "no" because that is your son's father and he deserves to see him too. It sucks when your ex gets your child every single break you have from school and all you get to do is school him all the time.

 

~I have OCD, depression, and health anxiety. The tend to snowball - and when one starts, the others soon follow. It never fails that winter depresses me. This year, we have had 2 feet of snow already. None of my friends can get out of their driveways and everyone I know is snowed in half the time. It is even worse when this all happens before the official START of the winter season!! So, the pattern goes like this: I get depressed, I get snowed in and have to stay home which gives me cabin fever and the depression worsens. While I sit at home with nothing else to do, I begin to worry about my health. Then my OCD kicks in and I start "checking, checking, checking" to see if I am okay. :001_huh: Yeah, I know. :glare:

 

~My husband is off this week. I love my husband, but did I mention that it is cold and snowy outside? So, this means that my dh is sitting in the living room all.day.long. He is making messes and doesn't clean up after himself. I have the kids "trained," in some ways. They know what mom will or will not tolerate and we get along just fine. Dh comes in and it is a whole new dynamic. I will be honest...I LOVE having him home...as long as he is not in the house with me or not making messes and getting on my nerves. There, I said it. *sigh*

 

~Dh and I decided a long time ago that we would not get gifts for each other for Christmas. I am fine with that, I really am. However, what fun is it for me to get up on Christmas morning and watch ONE of my two kids open 3 gifts and see his Santa stuff? Sometimes I just wish dh and I knew each other better or liked the same things or at the very least cared enough to buy something small...hell, MAKE something small even. Ho hum....

 

~ My mom can't come for Christmas this year. Just add that to my list of people I won't see for Christmas...my mom and my kid! :(

 

~Icing on the cake: we get to have a Vegan dinner with the MIL and FIL. MIL has dementia and she is a real pill to talk to at times - and the more stressed she gets (read: hosting a big dinner), the worse it is! Then we have the dear step SIL and her girlfriend coming (the vegans) and we are going to be eating tofurkey. I am so sorry to any vegans out there, but no. Just NO. I can deal with not eating too much meat (NOT on holidays), but I can't do the no butter, no cheese, etc. And here we are...having a whole dinner that revolves around cooking with none of the good stuff! Blech. If I could get out of dinner, I sure would! Now I am going to end up cooking another dinner at home christmas evening just so we can say we had some real food!

 

 

 

So yea, I guess I do ruin Christmas.

[KidsHappen]

:grouphug: You know in situations like this, a well timed drink of your choice can really help add a rosy glow to the holidays. After all, it is the holidays and I don't think the rules apply. A little Bailey's in your coffee, a little vodka in your OJ, a little wine with your dinner. You know, not enough to get drunk but just enough to help keep you in the holiday spirits. ;)

Edited December 26, 2010 by KidsHappen