DH wants more structure & to enforce more "school rules"

[k2bdeutmeyer]

How much do you impose on your DC?

 

DH is a full time student & job searching right now, so he is home during the day a lot. We pulled DD from PS 1.5 weeks ago, because she wasn't being challenged & the constant message to her was "you're bad". Everything....."you can't read now, it's not reading time....put your book away", "you didn't get your project done in the 15 min I gave you so now you have to stay in for recess", etc. She got really defensive & everything was stressful for everyone. I tried to get the school to work with me to help her, but after 5yrs of fighting I finally got the message. It wasn't going to happen.

 

Since we've pulled her I have seen a DRAMATIC change in her. She is more willing to take responsibility for her actions, she has had very few outbursts and they have been minor if they happen, she is just generally more pleasant, and less demanding. I'm AMAZED!!

 

So, this afternoon, DD was sitting on the couch doing her work, and occasionally would glance up and watch a commercial on TV or something. DH gets frustrated and says she should be doing her work at the table, and that she needs more structure, etc. He thinks we're "not creating good study habits". I feel like if I start imposing all kinds of rules again, we're just going to end up back where we were with PS. She's going to be resistant and defensive, but maybe I'm wrong??

 

What are your thoughts? How much do you control your DC and their environment?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Well, my children are constitutionally unable to study with the t.v. on. So we do enforce a no t.v. rule during school time. The only one to try to buck this rule is dh when he is home on a day off.:glare: (And he has a t.v. down in his study where he could watch it.)

 

Other than that, when they were smaller, we studied more at the table. In fact dd8 does most of her work at the table with me beside her. It is easier for her that way. Ds12, though, does most of his work in the armchair with his work on a clipboard or with a laptop in his lap. Both of them work off of check-lists.

 

In your case, I might have a check-list but let her choose the order. I would also make sure that I scheduled lots of field trips or nature walks or messy science experiments in the kitchen to try and ignite that spark of learning. And I would tell dh that snuggling on the couch with a book is a scheduled activity.

[MotherMayI]

First- congratulations on bringing her home and already seeing positive changes! We work in a school room and the kids have their own desk. They can move around a bit- and I give them ample time to run the yard to get energy out. I don't think it matters whether she does her work on the couch (or floor, or table, or bed for that matter) but I do think the TV needs to be off. It is too much of a distraction. We do not turn on the TV until after 5:00 (or later) on school days. The TV really sucks all my dc's attention, and it is impossible to get them to focus...I just can't compete with it!

 

 

Best wishes!

[kmacnchs]

This is just my opinion:

 

I DEFINITELY think the TV should be off when she is doing school work!!!

 

I'm good about doing work wherever though (couch, table, bed, floor)...

 

If monkey girl is playing too loudly, I will send little lady to the next room (our bedroom) or if I am working w/monkey girl and little lady is doing independent work, I will send her to our bedroom w/a clipboard. So, if your 9yo needs to concentrate more, it may be better for your other 2 to be in the next room over for a spell...

[stripe]

I try to create a non-distracting environment for my kids. I wouldn't think it was fair for me to create distractions in their environment, and then be upset with them for not focusing. I would turn off the TV or, if it's something I "needed" to watch, schedule my kids' work at another time/place. That would, to me, seem to honor their efforts more.

[Lovedtodeath]

I agree that one of the pluses of homeschooling is that we don't have to be as structured as PS. I focus better with the TV or music on. Maybe you could switch out the TV for instrumental music for some subjects. For simple copywork I allow DD to watch TV.

[The Governess]

I agree that doing schoolwork while the TV is on is a bad study habit. But aside from turning off the TV, I would be gradual with your changes. For example, maybe she can be at the table for a couple subjects like math and writing, and on the couch for everything else?

[....]

We only have one TV and it's far, far away in our bedroom. Thank God we got rid of it. We used to have it in the living room (as the center of attention) and it was on constantly. This has taken away a lot of the "focus" and "why aren't you paying attention" arguments we had the first month or two of homeschooling. It also keeps everybody from sitting around and watching it.

 

However...da dum dum dummmmm...:D we do schoolwork in waiting rooms, in the back of the van, outside (!), at Grandma's, in my bed, at the kitchen table, on the kitchen counter, etc etc...:tongue_smilie: OK, so we're not totally model citizens. :auto:

[TxMama]

We do have a specific area and time for school work. We keep our mornings fairly structured. We start at a specific time but I do not micromanage how much time per subject. Our goal is to have all schoolwork done by lunch. We will do our more open ended activities...projects, etc. last so there is no rush to complete them.

 

Our afternoons are completely unstructured.

 

This system works well for my kids. They know once they are done with their work then they are free to do any activity they wish for the rest of the day.

 

HTH

[k2bdeutmeyer]

I agree about the TV, and am actually NOT a TV person myself. When DH is gone we have music on and we work really well together and have fun! However DH seems to think he can't function unless the TV is on....ugh. He is also selfish and wants to dictate that DD needs to go down in the basement or somewhere else to work rather than him just going down in the basement and watching TV.

[Lovedtodeath]

Every child is different in the amount of structure that they need.

 

I don't think it is unreasonable to have her do her work elsewhere if he wants to watch the TV, as long as it isn't too often.

[Nestof3]

I didn't formally school during the preschool years. I played a lot with my boys, and they played a lot of learning things, but I didn't 'teach' them formally. I read to them quite a bit as well, and I allowed good videos.

 

I'm not sure I understand the television thing. Who's watching television when your daughter is supposed to be doing school? For me, if my husband is home during the day (he's self-employed and has winters off), he has to go to our room if he wants to watch a video during school. I don't watch videos during the day except for when I'm riding my bike -- that's my exercise time. The boys are allowed to play on the computer or watch a video then.

 

In my opinion, whatever the age of the child, for adults to be sitting around watching television while a child is expected to work provides too much temptation and distraction.

 

I wanted to clarify. We have an 1,100 sq ft house, so the television would be a distraction in the rooms in which we school -- the kitchen and the living area. These areas are basically 'mine' until school is over. Schooling is my day job so to speak.

Edited March 9, 2010 by nestof3

[MotherMayI]

Since you are so new to homeschooling it sounds like you and your dh need to set some boundaries for yourselves regarding where it is ok to be during "school" times. If you and your dd are quietly working on the couch it does seem unreasonable for him to come in and turn on the tv...however if he is watching tv first, then you should find another place to school. If you need to make the basement the school area- try to make it a place where she is excited about going...her own special place.

[Renee in NC]

Two things:

 

I don't think it is unreasonable to have a "No TV" rule during schoolwork.

 

I think it is unreasonable for your *dh* to have the TV on while your dd is trying to do schoolwork. However, mine does it, too, so I don't have an answer for you there.

 

Is there somewhere else where either (a) he can watch TV, or (b) she can work undistracted but not at the table?

 

I find that mine work much better with structure and generally that means at the table with me. Other dc might work better other places.

[Mary in NJ]

Welcome to homeschooling!

 

This is really not a list of "rules", but a mix of things that we do, or have particular limits set during school time. We have been homeschooling since 1999 and our list tightens up or loosens a bit, depending on what is going on with our family.

 

1. Television greatly distracts during school time.

2. Phone calls disrupts a teaching session, I don't answer the phone during school.

3. A clean and tidy school area lends an air of "learning is important to our family."

4. Sometimes teaching will need to happen during the "littles" nap times.

5. Unannounced visitors will happen. We just try to work around it, without making a huge scene. We school year round, so eventually, we get everything done.

6. Schedules are needed, so that we can aim for our school goals. Schedules provide for accountability - more for me than anyone else.

BUT

7. People are more important than schedules.

8. Spelling/Grammar, Math and Reading/Writing are important subjects around here. If the student does not put needed effort into these areas, TV time is reduced.

9. After the morning teaching sessions, the kids can wander around the house to whichever area they want to do their independent work. Sometimes it is outside on the deck, out by the lake, under a shade tree, in the sewing room, family room, etc. The kids have small bedrooms, so we ask that they find other areas beside the bedroom to do their work. As long as it gets done and is done well, they are allowed this flexibility. They did have desks when they were younger, but they never used them.

10. History is their favorite subject. They are allowed to listen to audio CD's that focus on history. They love listening to Abraham Lincoln's speeches, historical non-fiction, and SOTW CD's. They have stacks of old encyclopedias that they use in order to search for more information about the particular era of history we are studying. We try to make as many opportunities available to them for continued research into their favorite subject and visit many historical sites.

11. Library day is important to the kids. They make lists, request books online and learn about returning the books on time. I gave them calendars when they were young. The only thing ever recorded on them was their due date for library books. Over the years, the items recorded on their calendars has grown. This teaches them to have deadlines for certain items and complete projects in a timely manner.

12. We do not do co-ops.

13. We do try to get together with other homeschool families from time to time.

14. Kids need to be up and ready to go by 8:00 to 8:30. Rooms straightened, fully dressed, hair combed and school books at the table. After school, they need to put everything back into their bin (rubbermaid stackable bin - kinda like a locker).

15. As a mom, I limit my internet time to around 20 to 30 minutes a day.

16. During the early years (pre-school, kindergarten), the kids had to stay with me at the table to do their work. It wasn't until they were older that they had the flexibility of completing their work elsewhere.

 

Most of our school time happens by noon. My phone calls happen during the kid's lunch time or around 3:00 p.m., which is after quiet time. TV time is in the evening a few times a week.

 

This was a rambling list at best. Hope you can make sense out of it.

Edited March 9, 2010 by Mary in NJ

[FO4UR]

SO provide the structure and enforce the rules. YOU make the rules and create the structure though.;)

 

No TV in school areas during school time is #1.

 

Talk with your dd about what seems like reasonable rules for school. If the no TV thing comes from *HER* it might go over better with the TV watcher.

 

My dh has made comments like this too....like 20 seconds after HE just riled up the kids..."aren't you supposed to be doing your math?"...."YEAH!!!!!":001_huh:

[Nicole M]

Sorry, your dh is not understanding what it means to homeschool and it's unreasonable for him to have the tv on during school time.

 

You are not recreating a school. That would be counter productive.

 

may daddy should take his studies to the basement along with his tv.

 

When you get your copy of TWTM, if your dh is willing, have him read the first part where Jessie and Susan tell their stories. I think it will be eye-opening to him. There are also some sections in the back (part 4) that might be useful.

 

My husband is also a bit hung up on things looking like a "real school" so I understand that it can be challenging; however, he needs to know that this isn't school, it's homeschool, and the reason you are doing this is to meet the needs of this child - not a classroom of them.

 

You are going to have to get that point across in whatever is best to communicate to your guy but it has to be done.

 

Really, you have just started this and since they haven't done the research and all of that it sometimes takes the dads a little longer to get comfortable with things that don't fit the mold. It may take a few challenging conversations and a whole lot of compromise but it will get easier as you both see how she learns best and the progress that is being made.

 

I agree. I would also add that because your husband is a student, he has a really wonderful opportunity to work alongside your daughter, and to model what it means to be a student.

[Jen500]

Tell him to turn the tv off. He's setting a bad example.

[Rosie_0801]

"Sweetheart, I will consider what you are saying, but you need to understand that dd and I are both a bit sensitive about starting this and we need time to work out our groove. Please let us do that. If, in three months time, you are displeased with her academic progress we can talk about it again. If you and I are both satisfied with her academic progress, we will have to conclude that my methods are working. In the meantime, you can learn more about what I am trying to achieve by reading this."

 

Then drop the hefty volume of the Well Trained Mind in his lap :D Once he is suitably impressed with that, he can read SWB's "Day in the Life Of" blog posts. If chaos is good enough for her, it's good enough for us :lol:

 

Rosie

[Pamela H in Texas]

So could you compromise with hubby?

 

For example, I'd definitely give up the tv. However, I would want to work on the livingroom thing. For example, I might agree to SOME table work, but we REALLY like our freedom to be on the floor, couch, table, whatever. I would readily set a start time, but not a "change class" time.

 

Anyway, I really think homeschooling is to make sure every member of the situation is comfortable. Some of that will come from trusting one another. Some of it will come from compromising.

[elegantlion]

Tell him to turn the tv off. He's setting a bad example.

 

:lol::lol::iagree:

 

 

We've been homeschooling for 6 years. During our first few weeks, way back in 1st grade, ds started having discipline issues. I asked dh as they have similar learning styles and he asked what my schedule was. :001_huh: Schedule, I didn't have a schedule, I was homeschooling to NOT have a schedule. I wanted freedom, flexibility, spontaneity, not another schedule. Because they have similar styles I agreed and lo and behold three days later ds was much better, he would jump and look at the printed schedule after every subject. he LOVED it. :glare:

 

All this to say that homeschooling will bring out a lot of differences in opinion when it comes to anything to do with schooling, life, habits, etc. It forces us to examine ourselves while finding the best fit for our dc. Don't be too rigid on anything as you find your groove. I'm sure you both agree that you want what is best for your dd's education.

 

I would point out that TV is not a good example and compromise. If she can work at the table while he watches a little or he can move to another TV, if available.

 

There was a thread recently about what your children was doing right then. I read the first several pages and I don't think anyone's children were doing the same thing. Homeschooling can look many different ways, give it time to find your groove. But I agree the TV can be a big distraction, even for adults.

[Laurie4b]

If mine are working, I don't care where they are doing it or in what position they are doing it (sitting, lying down, etc.) I let some of mine listen to stuff while they work because it doesn't seem to disturb them and they say it helps.

[Ginevra]

Maybe I'm just extra-specially dense, but it sounded like your dh puts the TV on and then is frustrated that she is distracted by the tv and needs more rules. :confused: That sounds like someone who leaves the door open and then yells at you when the cat runs out.

 

For my part, I do expect a fair amount of structure. It's not a replica of a school, but it's not a replica of Disneyland, either. We have a room where the majority of the structured work is done. We have a time we expect to begin and a planned amount of work to accomplish. There's no TV in that room and never will be.

 

Frankly, there's a red flag goin' off for me that you said dh is selfish. It gives me the impression that there's waaaayyy more bad blood going on than dh complaining about wanting more rules. If this is the case, structure and rules won't fix the problem and a tv on during school doesn't have much to do with the problem.

[Tree House Academy]

Well, I am not going to be one who gives you the answer you want, but in my house, the rule is that electronic devices do not come on until we have finished school for the day. If that is at 8pm (like tonight), then the one who is still finishing school just doesn't watch TV, etc until he is finished.

 

Having "no rules" is not a good idea. While I think ps does have a lot of nonsense rules, most of them are made to keep "order" due to class size. While that is not an issue at home, having a free for all is proably also not a good idea there. We have rules in our school. My kids have 15 minute breaks built in to their schedules. During those breaks, they can read, play quietly, or eat a snack. Sometimes my older son will take that time to listen to his ipod and just relax a little. All of that is fine by me. It is their time. However, when the 15 minutes is up, I do not allow them to read other books, do work in another subject while I reading or teaching, and so on. I also am very picky about WHERE my kids do their work - for instance, I don't let ds10 go to his room to read something because I once caught him playing nintendo instead of reading when he had gone down to read.

 

We are not like a ps in that my kids can chew gum while working, stand up, lay on the couch, lay in the floor, do school at night, finish something in the car, take time off to play at the park, etc.

[Peela]

My kids have desks..it's just always worked better that way. They read on the couch and we do together work sitting on the couches, but most of their work is at their desks.

My dh also has that school conditioning pretty strongly and often tells me I need to give the kids homework! But generally, he leaves me in charge.

My dh is also around a lot as he works from home. It took me a long while to "train him" to stop feeling he could just come and interrupt whenever, or put the TV on etc. I handled it by getting him to accept that homeschooling was my "job" and he wouldn't like me to walk in on him with his clients and ask where my lunch is! :) It took time to establish some healthy boundaries. Dh ended up with a TV in his bedroom so he could watch to his hearts content. We establishd "together time" outside of schooltime etc

There's no right and wrong here...some homeschooling families are a lot more structured than others and maybe you can find a compromise to get dh to backoff a bit, without upsetting your dd too much. I love those photos of kids doing school under the dining room table! But its never been like that for us.

[HappyCrazyMama]

I don't see anything wrong with having to do seatwork at the table if the television is on.

 

In our home my dc pretty much work where they please but if they were being distracted by something I would want them elsewhere.

 

I understand she is not the one turning on the TV but I think it is better to have her work at the table rather than make an issue of it with your dh. I wouldn't all the sudden come up with a lot of rules though. I would just start with seatwork at the table if the TV is on and go from there.

[Barb_]

I agree with the others that electronics are counter-productive. What if you were to compromise? Come up with one rule that will seem more school-like to your husband...maybe working with a (flexible) schedule or sitting at the same place each time to work with the understanding that he will do his part by keeping the TV off in the common area of the house during the day.

 

Barb

[Jen in PA]

I have the exact opposite problem! My DH is also a full-time college student right now since losing his job last year. He does not seem to understand that dd needs blocks of uninterrupted time to get through her schoolwork. He wants to be able to just walk into the room and play with her when he's on a study break, or take an impromptu family trip to the store, etc. I appreciate the flexibility of homeschooling, but he is taking it a good bit further than I, with my need for structure, can handle.

[Nestof3]

Yes, but she is a preschooler. What kind of work should be done alone in a bedroom at a desk by a preschooler? I think that is one expectation to consider. Seriously, no more than an hour needs to be dedicated to preschoolers, and if a person cannot give up an hour of tv, this person has bigger issues.

 

My kids have desks..it's just always worked better that way. They read on the couch and we do together work sitting on the couches, but most of their work is at their desks.

 

[LibraryLover]

You're saying your dh watches TV during the day in the main living area, and expects the child to not look at it while he watches?

[Mrs Mungo]

You're saying your dh watches TV during the day in the main living area, and expects the child to not look at it while he watches?

 

:glare: I have no response to this.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Yes, but she is a preschooler. What kind of work should be done alone in a bedroom at a desk by a preschooler? I think that is one expectation to consider. Seriously, no more than an hour needs to be dedicated to preschoolers, and if a person cannot give up an hour of tv, this person has bigger issues.

 

Are you sure she's a preschooler? I thought the dd in question was the 9 year old.

[Barb_]

Yes, but she is a preschooler. What kind of work should be done alone in a bedroom at a desk by a preschooler? I think that is one expectation to consider. Seriously, no more than an hour needs to be dedicated to preschoolers, and if a person cannot give up an hour of tv, this person has bigger issues.

 

Wait...are you sure we're talking about their preschooler? I read it as they pulled their daughter from public school, not preschool. I thought we were discussing the 9yo. Am I mistaken?

 

Barb

[LibraryLover]

Are you sure she's a preschooler? I thought the dd in question was the 9 year old.

 

 

I think they all need to get out of the house and do field trips. Daddy sounds addicted.

[EKS]

I agree about the TV, and am actually NOT a TV person myself. When DH is gone we have music on and we work really well together and have fun! However DH seems to think he can't function unless the TV is on....ugh. He is also selfish and wants to dictate that DD needs to go down in the basement or somewhere else to work rather than him just going down in the basement and watching TV.

 

Frankly, it sounds as though it isn't your daughter who needs more rules pertaining to school time. Perhaps there should be a *family* rule that there will be no TV (or any other potentially distracting activity) during school time.

[Barb_]

Chiming in again. Did your husband recently lose a job? Could he be depressed? Maybe his need for distraction and control is signaling a deeper problem.

 

Barb

[Mom-ninja.]

However DH seems to think he can't function unless the TV is on....ugh. He is also selfish and wants to dictate that DD needs to go down in the basement or somewhere else to work rather than him just going down in the basement and watching TV.

 

 

:confused: He needs to grow up.

[JFSinIL]

How much do you impose on your DC?

 

 

 

 

So, this afternoon, DD was sitting on the couch doing her work, and occasionally would glance up and watch a commercial on TV or something. DH gets frustrated and says she should be doing her work at the table, and that she needs more structure, etc. "

 

 

Why was the tv on? I can see how that might make it look like she is not focused on her work. Keep the tv off during school!

 

Ah - now that I have read the other posts - make Dad go watch tv elsewhere. Home is now a school, too - tv must be OFF. The kid doesn't need more structure - she needs the tv off!

Sounds like your hubby is a bit not-with-the-program as far as homeschooling ... he may resent not being able to have tv on, etc. now that your kidlet is home. Adjustments must be made.

Edited March 10, 2010 by JFSinIL

[Nestof3]

I thought we were talking about the 9 yo???

 

Oops -- I thought PS was short for preschool. Why would I think that? Of course I know what PS stands for. I guess it's b/c I've been talking to my brother about his daughter who's in a Montessori preschool, so I've had preschool on the brain.

 

DUH!

[Nestof3]

Wait...are you sure we're talking about their preschooler? I read it as they pulled their daughter from public school, not preschool. I thought we were discussing the 9yo. Am I mistaken?

 

Barb

 

No, I'm the one not understanding. :tongue_smilie: Still, I wouldn't expect my nine year old to do too much in her bedroom alone.

[Catwoman]

I agree with everyone else.

 

Tell your dh to watch tv downstairs if he can't live without it during school hours.

 

But... if he's a student and is supposedly looking for a job, what's he doing sitting on his buns in front of the tv during the day? Shouldn't he be doing something a bit more productive, like perhaps, "creating good study habits" or "creating good work habits" for himself?

 

He's acting like a spoiled brat, instead of setting a positive example for your dd.

 

Sorry to sound so harsh, but your dh needs to re-evaluate his priorities.

 

Cat

[Barb_]

No, I'm the one not understanding. :tongue_smilie: Still, I wouldn't expect my nine year old to do too much in her bedroom alone.

 

Nah, me neither.

 

Barb

[Retired]

we only have one TV in the house in living room and my home is a open floor plan

 

we normally would not have TV on during school hours but when my DH happens to be home he watches the TV.

 

The boys just do school in their rooms on those days.

 

But my boys are normally allowed to school anywhere they are productive, they take their books out on the pier or front porch during warmer days, they school in front of the fireplace during the winter

 

I use to pitch a fit that my DH would turn on the TV "why we do school" but i realize this is his home and his off time and he deserves to live in his home. He does keep the volume low:001_smile:

 

I would just move your kid to the kitchen table and play some background music. This would keep peace in your home.

[Paintedlady]

Frankly, it sounds as though it isn't your daughter who needs more rules pertaining to school time. Perhaps there should be a *family* rule that there will be no TV (or any other potentially distracting activity) during school time.

 

:iagree: My dh is job hunting and home all day and I requested that he respect our no tv rule before or during school. He's busy enough with the job hunt and house projects that he doesn't have time for tv anyway, but still, I wanted to be clear. I'd ask your dh for the same respect.

[Peela]

No, I'm the one not understanding. :tongue_smilie: Still, I wouldn't expect my nine year old to do too much in her bedroom alone.

 

But I don't think anyone was saying that...we have desks in our main living area- very central- not in bedrooms. And the OP was saying the dining room table.

It can get a bit like Chinese Whispers around here sometimes :)

[Rosie_0801]

My dh is job hunting and home all day.

 

My dh goes to the library to job hunt because the kids won't let him do it at home! It beats me how an unemployed person or student can have the time to mooch in front of the telly. Around here, unemployment takes up almost as much time as employment does :glare:

 

Rosie

[k2bdeutmeyer]

oh, I don't mean that he's irresponsible or lazy at all. His classes this semester are very easy, so there isn't much work to be done there & he spends a couple hours everyday browsing & applying for jobs. He's had several interviews. He does laundry, dishes, house projects, etc.....he just always has to have the TV on if he's home.

 

It's really only an issue on Tue/Thur when he doesn't have class. On Mon/Wed/Fri we're usually done by the time he gets home from school anyway. DD does do a few subjects (handwriting, geography) at the table.

 

I talked a little further with DH last night about it & explained that I just didn't think it was fair for him to walk into her school space and do whatever he wanted all while expecting HER to do something else or go somewhere else. Her room is in the basement, so that's not really an option as I don't want her school stuff down there. She is very disorganized & it would all be lost in the abyss. Anyway.....he agreed, so we'll see :)

[Catwoman]

I'm glad to hear I misjudged your dh, and that he has agreed not to watch tv while your dd is doing her schoolwork. :001_smile::001_smile::001_smile:

 

Cat

[LaissezFaire]

We have a no TV on ever during the day rule. It helps with the distraction. As far as structure of the day rules...I let it vary. If the kids are really into something or are very interested in their book I let them keep going on it. I let them sit on the floor to do school work by the window. My DH sometimes gets this attitude of "they need to work at the table' but I remind him that part of the reason we do not send them to school is so that they are not bound to the schoolishness of it.

[jld]

My personal opinion (I haven't read the other responses) . . . your children are young . . . there is time to develop study habits . . . let them play and be children for now. They will eventually want to study and then you won't be able to keep them away from the books!:)