We are not puppies, or an open letter on how I feel about being adopted.

[Christy B]

There are frequent posts regarding adoption on this board. I think that is marvelous; I enjoy being able to discuss or read discussions on any number of topics. I realize there are many adoptive parents on this board. I appreciate and admire your dedication to your children. I would never question your love or devotion to them, and unless I am given reason to think otherwise, I would assume you are fantastic parents. There are some who amaze me with their sensitivity and I am thankful to have the opportunity to say thank-you on behalf of myself and on behalf of your children who do not yet appreciate the extraordinary things you are doing, but who will, someday, I promise.

 

There are any number of situations where adoption is clearly the best, and sometimes only, choice -- for adoptive parents and for adoptees. I am a big fan of adoption. Parents who are eager to share their love and their homes, children who are blessed to be placed in homes where they are so wanted and appreciated -- it can be, and usually is, a beautiful thing.

 

That said.

 

I must say, when children are referred to as being souveniers . . . or when someone wonders if suddenly there are going to be Haitian babies up for grabs . . . these sorts of comments really, really are gut-wrenching to me. (And please, do not be personally offended if you posted such a comment -- I am NOT trying to "call you out" . . . I would assume that those who posted such comments had only the best of intentions and meant those things in a positive way; I believe your heart is in the right place.) Believe me when I say it does not cause me to have any hard feelings: my own mother commented to someone the other day that she "just loved taking in other people's rejects" (they were discussing a cute purse that someone had been given). My mom is the dearest, kindest person I know . . . she had no idea how that offhand comment cut to my very soul. So, I am sincere when I say that I really and truly believe that no one intends any harm, that is not my point.

 

What is my point? There is a point, in this rambling, I promise.

 

My point is this: Adopted children, abandoned children, children potentially in need of a home are not puppies to be picked up at the local shelter.

 

We are living, breathing, human beings, who will grow up with no genetic mirroring. We will grow up knowing that in order for us to have been placed in these wonderful, dedicated, loving homes . . . there was first a rejection, or a tragedy, or a sad and frightened girl who simply couldn't raise a child. We will wonder on our birthdays if there is someone out there thinking of us. We will wonder if we have been forgotten. We will wonder if we are loved as much as our siblings who are biologically connected to our parents.

 

Some of us will misunderstand how adoption works, and we will wonder if we aren't good enough it we will be sent back, because no matter how careful parents are, they don't realize that sometimes there are unasked and unanswered questions. If we aren't blessed to have siblings, in moments of loneliness we will wonder if there is a brother out there who would have stepped in to fight off that bully if only he had been there to protect us . . . or a sister to whisper with in the dark instead of being alone. We will wonder so many, many things.

 

And our parents will try to answer our questions and they will be as sensitive as they can be, and then they will say that they love taking other people's rejects and because we love them, and we don't want to hurt their feelings, we will swallow hard and smile and try not to ever let on that sometimes . . . sometimes it just SUCKS. And if I come across as harsh, or snarky, or if I post something in a thread about adoption that isn't nice . . . please forgive me -- I'm probably just having one of the days where being adopted just doesn't feel as sparkly and magical as you might think.

 

Adoption can be wonderful. And it can be devastating. And it can be both all at the same time. And we are not puppies, and I just needed to "say" that out loud, and ask you to please, please remember.

[Ferdie]

:grouphug::grouphug:

[secular_mom]

You were very brave to say such a thing, and I don't think ANY person can find any fault in your doing so.

Hugs and love {and tequila if ya want some ;) }

[Desert Rat]

Hugs to you, Christie. I admire the courage you showed by posting your feelings.

[Mad Jenny Flint]

I just want you to know that I was not adopted but I am the half-sister of an adopted child and two children left behind with their father after a divorce. I come from a very weird history, and have no contact with my mother now, as of several months ago, and a limited relationship with my father (we both do our best). I often have similar feelings of being unrooted. I think a lot of people have feelings like this, whether they were adopted or not. It is not uncommon, and I hope you don't feel too alone.

[Melissa in Australia]

my father was abandoned into an orphanage at age 3 , he was adopted out at 4 or 5. he got married at 17, had me and 2 other children , and killed himself at 20. it was directly related to the abandonment as an early age, the awful orphanage, and then growing up in a family that he didn't click with.

[sunshine]

My heart cries with you and so did my eyes when I read this post. I wish I were your mother and could have kept you with me every day. I am so sorry that this world has tragedies and that children are the first to suffer. and usually the ones who suffer the most and suffer the last. :grouphug:

[HRAAB]

:grouphug: I think it took a great deal of courage to write that post. My only sister is adopted (I'm not). Adoption is very special to me, and I can tend to get touchy about certain comments although I will never understand adoption the way my sister does.

 

I think your post was very gracious.

[nono]

Amen.

 

I am not adopted (but forever was mistaken for so because I didn't "match" my birth family enough). I am an adoptive Mom, and you can see from my sig how young my children are.

 

This person speaks the truth.

 

I say, "My children are not furniture." To be re-arranged for our convenience. Nor to be spoken in front of as if they don't understand. They understand more things than many of us will have ever had to endure.

[Stacia]

I love your post, your honesty, your humanity.

 

Hugs, my friend. :grouphug:

[rookie]

There are frequent posts regarding adoption on this board. I think that is marvelous; I enjoy being able to discuss or read discussions on any number of topics. I realize there are many adoptive parents on this board. I appreciate and admire your dedication to your children. I would never question your love or devotion to them, and unless I am given reason to think otherwise, I would assume you are fantastic parents. There are some who amaze me with their sensitivity and I am thankful to have the opportunity to say thank-you on behalf of myself and on behalf of your children who do not yet appreciate the extraordinary things you are doing, but who will, someday, I promise.

 

There are any number of situations where adoption is clearly the best, and sometimes only, choice -- for adoptive parents and for adoptees. I am a big fan of adoption. Parents who are eager to share their love and their homes, children who are blessed to be placed in homes where they are so wanted and appreciated -- it can be, and usually is, a beautiful thing.

 

That said.

 

I must say, when children are referred to as being souveniers . . . or when someone wonders if suddenly there are going to be Haitian babies up for grabs . . . these sorts of comments really, really are gut-wrenching to me. (And please, do not be personally offended if you posted such a comment -- I am NOT trying to "call you out" . . . I would assume that those who posted such comments had only the best of intentions and meant those things in a positive way; I believe your heart is in the right place.) Believe me when I say it does not cause me to have any hard feelings: my own mother commented to someone the other day that she "just loved taking in other people's rejects" (they were discussing a cute purse that someone had been given). My mom is the dearest, kindest person I know . . . she had no idea how that offhand comment cut to my very soul. So, I am sincere when I say that I really and truly believe that no one intends any harm, that is not my point.

 

What is my point? There is a point, in this rambling, I promise.

 

My point is this: Adopted children, abandoned children, children potentially in need of a home are not puppies to be picked up at the local shelter.

 

We are living, breathing, human beings, who will grow up with no genetic mirroring. We will grow up knowing that in order for us to have been placed in these wonderful, dedicated, loving homes . . . there was first a rejection, or a tragedy, or a sad and frightened girl who simply couldn't raise a child. We will wonder on our birthdays if there is someone out there thinking of us. We will wonder if we have been forgotten. We will wonder if we are loved as much as our siblings who are biologically connected to our parents.

 

Some of us will misunderstand how adoption works, and we will wonder if we aren't good enough it we will be sent back, because no matter how careful parents are, they don't realize that sometimes there are unasked and unanswered questions. If we aren't blessed to have siblings, in moments of loneliness we will wonder if there is a brother out there who would have stepped in to fight off that bully if only he had been there to protect us . . . or a sister to whisper with in the dark instead of being alone. We will wonder so many, many things.

 

And our parents will try to answer our questions and they will be as sensitive as they can be, and then they will say that they love taking other people's rejects and because we love them, and we don't want to hurt their feelings, we will swallow hard and smile and try not to ever let on that sometimes . . . sometimes it just SUCKS. And if I come across as harsh, or snarky, or if I post something in a thread about adoption that isn't nice . . . please forgive me -- I'm probably just having one of the days where being adopted just doesn't feel as sparkly and magical as you might think.

 

Adoption can be wonderful. And it can be devastating. And it can be both all at the same time. And we are not puppies, and I just needed to "say" that out loud, and ask you to please, please remember.

 

 

 

Well, it is a little hard not to take it personally when you are obviously referring to my post about the Haitian babies.

 

It is completely unfair and unkind to characterize my questions as wanting to collect a souvenier or of wondering if babies were up for grabs.

 

I am not "in the market" for a baby or a souvenier. I only saw lots of babies with no homes. The orpahnages in Haiti are already overcrowded and under-resourced. As a mom, who loves and cares for her family and is perfectly content with it as it is, I felt moved to ask because I felt open to loving and taking care of some of those babies.

 

I do not have $50K to get a baby nor the resources to do all that paperwork - I wondered since there will be so very many who need help -- if I could be part of that help.

 

Of course adoption has a heartbreaking side to it. But, is that because a family wanted to take care of a child or because a bio parent coundn't or wouldn't?

 

Are there adoptive parents who aren't great? I imagine so. There are a lot of crappy bio parents too.

 

Why be so harsh and uncharitable with people who want to love a baby who is not being loved by it's bioparent? Should no one adopt? Are all of the orphanage babies sitting in their cribs for hours with no human interaction better off because at least we know that they are not "souveniers" for their adoptive parents to show off? Good grief!

 

I am sorry for what has obviously been a painful experience for you but do not assume that you know what is in everyone else's heart with regards to adoption.

 

I have zero interest in puppies or souveniers!

Edited January 16, 2010 by rookie
typo

[Audrey]

:grouphug: That's the most beautiful, courageous post on this board. Period.

[i.love.lucy]

Beautifully written, things that should be said out loud.

:grouphug:

[Jen500]

:grouphug:

[newlifemom]

Wow! Kudos for your bravery. My heart goes out to you. Thank you for letting me see yet another side to life that I had not been previously acquainted with. That is why I love this board. It opens my eyes to so many things.:grouphug:

[jujsky]

:grouphug: Thank you for posting something so raw and brave. I'm the mom of 2 children (one through adoption) and there are definitely comments that make me prickly. The worst is when people refer to my bio child as my "real" child :glare: It helped me (and DH -- I had him read your post too) to hear the POV of an adult adoptee. You gave us a glimpse into some of the thoughts and feelings our son may have, and I truly appreciate it.

Edited January 16, 2010 by jujsky

[Ruthie]

. there was first a rejection, or a tragedy

 

This is the one thing I can never get people to understand.

 

Christians (I am one) say that our worldly parents teach and model to us about our Heavenly Father. We are exhorted to model Godly love to our children so they can understand God's love.

 

Well, for the adopted child, they were rejected by their first parent. In my opinion, they experienced what it is like to be rejected by God. There is no worse experience. Jesus was in agony, not because of his physical suffering, but because he was separated from his Heavenly Father and his Heavenly Father had turned away from Him.

 

There are many people who never recover from such pain.:grouphug:

[1bassoon]

OK, I've never done this before. . . . .

 

ChristyB, that was a thoughtful, touching, heartfelt post. Not condemning in the least.

 

I'm sorry you had to read that reaction, and I wish the poster would delete it. Please know that you did nothing. Nothing. To deserve that.

 

I'm not an adoptive mother, nor was I adopted. But I appreciate hearing your voice.

 

Thank you.

[Audrey]

This probably makes me a terrible person and I really am sorry that you are in so much pain, but no one mentioned souvenirs...

 

 

Christy is completely justified in saying what she did. She is expressing her feeling quite well herself, but FYI... yes, "souvenir" was used in regard to an adoptee / potential adoptee. :glare: http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?p=1426493&highlight=souvenier#post1426493

Edited January 16, 2010 by Audrey

[Jen500]

but no one mentioned souvenirs and I don't think anyone was treating adoption like that on this board.

 

 

Mmmm...yes, someone did say this in a recent adoption thread.

[nono]

This probably makes me a terrible person and I really am sorry that you are in so much pain, but no one mentioned souvenirs and I don't think anyone was treating adoption like that on this board.

 

 

 

Check your facts. In Heather (in Malaysia)'s post on introducing her daughter someone posted about what a great souvenir...I don't read nearly all the posts here, and I surely remember that comment.

[BigMamaBird]

Christy, thank you for your heart felt letter.

 

As someone who often puts her foot in her mouth IRL, it's good to hear the human emotions on the other side and to have a reminder to think before I speak.

[Audrey]

deleted...forget it... not worthy of my reply

[cathmom]

Thank you for sharing!

 

:grouphug:

[GWOB]

I am not adopted and therefore cannot even fathom your experience, but I can relate to another poster's experience of being "rejected" by your family. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Seriously, that sucks for you. That really sucks. Your feelings are completely valid and you are one heck of a woman to post that here. May God facilitate your healing from such an obviously tragic event.

[Joanne]

{{many hugs}}

 

I did not know until recently through posts on this board that emotional issues of adoption have in recent years been opened up for discussion and processing. It's a complicated situation.

 

I hear the pain in your post. Your pain can co-exist with love, but it's still your pain.

 

{{many hugs}}

[Paintedlady]

I appreciate hearing how you feel as an adult adoptee. :grouphug: Your pain is often overlooked and I'm sorry you're feeling this way.

 

I think it's important to remember when we're talking about adoption that there are three sides to it. Each member of the triad has their sorrows that are difficult to understand by others not in the same place. If each of us truly works to understand the pov of the other there could be so much healing.

 

I'm an adoptive mom in 2 fully open adoptions with my kids' first families. As adoptive parents, we really tried to understand and accept that their loss meant our joy. That was a pretty bitter pill to swallow. But how much less bitter it has become as we spend Thanksgiving together as a family, all of us. Or how much better does it become when dd's birthmom and young son (dd's half brother) spends a few days of our Disney vacation over dd's birthday with us. :001_smile: It helps to heal a hell of a lot on all sides.

 

Our goal in this family is to continue to unite with each other, as an extended family. No secrets, no wondering, but transparency and openess to minimize the pain on all sides. I do everything I can to lessen any pain for my kids, and do it happily. I want their future to be as pain free as possible as well. I hope that neither of my kids will ever regret the path we've chosen to take and if they do, I can only beg for their grace, knowing I did my best.

 

I would hope also that you could understand that adoptive parents also have pain and hard times in adoption. I won't go into it here b/c I don't think this is the right thread, but grace extended in all directions would go a mighty long way, especially when no harm is intended.

[happi duck]

:grouphug: That's the most beautiful, courageous post on this board. Period.

:iagree:

[LibraryLover]

On the evening of her third birthday, after a lovely family partly, my sweet dd said as I was tucking her into bed, "Adoption is a happy thing, but it is also a very sad thing." I held her in my arms, crawled beside her and said "It's true. It is." She asked, "Do you think she thinks about me?" I knew who 'she' was. I replied, "I can't imagine that your first mother doesn't think about you nearly all of the time. I wish I could call her up right now and tell her how wonderful you are". She sighed. She fell asleep in my arms and I probably wet the top of her head with my tears. Not out of sadness, but out of happiness that at such a young age she could speak about the sad/happy topic that is adoption in a such a secure and frank way.

 

I remembered once again feeling glad that we included her birth mother's name in naming her. There are pieces of her that are so special and unique to our family; including her bio mom's name. That says she is not ours alone. Nothing changes that and she would not be the person she is without that past. My dd has always known how and why we chose her name. (First name means something special to us, next name is my mother's, which we hyphenated with dd's birth mother's, last is our family name). DD has always expressed an interest in how we chose her name. :)

 

Adoption is happy, sad, complicated...all of that. It's reality.

 

I share this child. This absolutely beloved lovely child. She is more more talented, more beautiful, more funny, more clever than I ever was, or ever will be. She has a whole and rich past that is not about me, not about her present family. I find that exciting. I wish her first mother could see who she is. I sometimes fantasize that we can both look at her together, at the same time, and weep in joy. I know that sounds stupid to some, but she is more than the family she knows.

Edited January 16, 2010 by LibraryLover

[GWOB]

On the evening of her third birthday, after a lovely family partly, my sweet dd said as I was tucking her into bed, "Adoption is a happy thing, but it is also a very sad thing." I held her in my arms, crawled beside her and said "It's true. It is." She asked, "Do you think she thinks about me?" I knew who 'she' was. I replied, "I can't imagine that your first mother doesn't think about you nearly all of the time. I wish I could call her up right now and tell her how wonderful you are". She sighed. She fell asleep in my arms and I probably wet the top of her head with my tears. Not out of sadness, but out of happiness that at such a young age she could speak about the sad/happy topic that is adoption in a such a secure and frank way.

 

I remember once again feeling glad that we included her birth mother's name in naming her. There are pieces of her that are so special and unique to our family; including her bio mom's name. That says she is not ours alone. Nothing changes that and she would not be the person she is without that past. My dd has always know how and why we chose her name. (First name means something special to us, next name is my mother's, which we hyphenated with dd's birth mother's, last is our family name). DD has always expressed an interest in how we chose her name. :)

 

Adoption is happy, sad, complicated...all of that. It's reality.

 

I share this child. This absolutely beloved lovely child. She is more more talented, more beautiful, more funny, more clever than I ever was, or ever will be. She has a whole and rich past that is not about me, not about her present family. I find that exciting. I wish her first mother could see who she is. I sometimes fantasize that we can both look at her together, at the same time, and weep in joy. I know that sounds stupid to some, but she is more than the family she knows.

 

You rock. Period.

[nmoira]

:grouphug:

 

Thank you.

 

As a fellow adoptee, I share your discomfort, and am grateful that you were able to discuss so eloquently some things which I could not begin to set my anger aside to address. I usually skip adoption threads entirely, but one thread title in particular had been scratching at me today and I couldn't help but read. I wish I hadn't, in spite of a couple of wonderful posts it contained.

[nmoira]

You rock. Period.

Yes.

[jujsky]

I share this child. This absolutely beloved lovely child. She is more more talented, more beautiful, more funny, more clever than I ever was, or ever will be. She has a whole and rich past that is not about me, not about her present family. I find that exciting. I wish her first mother could see who she is. I sometimes fantasize that we can both look at her together, at the same time, and weep in joy. I know that sounds stupid to some, but she is more than the family she knows.

 

You summed up exactly the way I feel about my DS. I am thankful every day for his birth-parents. A piece of me is sad every day for his birth-parents as well because they don't have him in their lives and I do. They are part of him and always will be. I wouldn't want to take that knowledge away from him even if I could because it would be stripping him of his identity. Without his identity he wouldn't be the incredible, happy, funny, affectionate little boy I love with all my heart and soul.

[lllll]

Yeah, Christy, I think I understand a fraction of what you're saying about being adopted. When I was growing up, two of my best friends were adopted. These girls never, never, ever stopped wondering about their birth parents. They used to talk to me about them all the time. It always made me feel so helpless. They would turn to ME and ask me things like, 'Why do you think they gave me up'. They were obviously in a kind of pain which I could never fathom. All I could really do was listen. They loved their adoptive families dearly, but the 'not knowing' seemed really hard for them to bear. And it was hardest for the one girl who's adoptive mother was not a nice person.

 

Currently, over the holidays, our neighbor's relatives came to visit for a couple of weeks. One woman had a young teenage daughter whom she had adopted as a baby. The child was Chinese and the mother was English, and they ALL kept referring to the girl as her "adopted Chinese daughter". For some reason, this really grated on my nerves. Why not just say her NAME, for pete's sake!?! I mean, what exactly was the point of saying something like that - over and over. There are just some things I guess I'll never understand in this world.

[Alphabetika]

Thank you, Christy.

 

I, too, am adopted, and as an adult I have become more and more aware of all of the levels of pain and joy in "the adoption triad." I sometimes grieve over the fact that my parents (my "adoptive parents") couldn't have biological children. My mom had six miscarriages. I wonder often, what would these children have been like if they'd lived?

 

Once I stopped aching for my own loss (that is, the original loss of my birthparents) I began to really think about my parents' loss, the loss of their other children. I know many reading this have probably experienced similar losses. I haven't.

 

I also have not given birth to a child who is being raised by others, the way my birthmother did.

 

I also have not known the joy of believing I would be childless, only to adopt children and have them forever. Or the agony of giving birth to a child I could not keep, followed by the bittersweet joy of knowing that child would be cherished by others.

 

Oh, I'm rambling, but I suppose what I'm thinking is that there are so many layers in this discussion that it's like an endless flood of tears and upsurges of joy. Christy, you have spoken so much truth in your post and said it so well. I appreciate your honesty.:grouphug:

[DawnL]

:grouphug:

 

Thanks for sharing that. All three of my kiddos joined us through the miracle of adoption. I hope our children always feel our love. You are not kidding, when you talk about misconceptions children may have. My 6 year old asked if we could "buy" another baby the other day. :scared: It wasn't the first time I've had to tell him, "we don't buy people!"

 

Just one of the reasons I don't like when people talk about "adopting" a pet. We adopt people. We BUY pets!

 

:grouphug: again

[Christy B]

I am honored that so many of you were prompted to share some of your own stories; thank you for doing so. I am sincere in my efforts to open discussion so that we can understand each other better and so that hopefully, we can take what we learn from this community and be useful in our real life relationships. I am also sincere in saying that it was not, is not, my intention to criticize or embarass anyone; if that happened, I can only say that I am sorry, that I apologize if I am insensitive, and believe me, I read every single comment and tried to take any criticism or disagreement to heart, so that I can understand everyone's point of view.

 

Time does not allow me a personal response to each person, but please know that if you expressed understanding or support (or clarification or defense!) it is appreciated more than you can imagine.

 

There are just a few comments that I can not help but address specifically.

 

It is completely unfair and unkind to characterize my questions as wanting to collect a souvenier or of wondering if babies were up for grabs.

Why be so harsh and uncharitable with people who want to love a baby who is not being loved by it's bioparent? Should no one adopt? Are all of the orphanage babies sitting in their cribs for hours with no human interaction better off because at least we know that they are not "souveniers" for their adoptive parents to show off? Good grief!

I am sorry for what has obviously been a painful experience for you but do not assume that you know what is in everyone else's heart with regards to adoption.

 

 

It was my concern, that no matter how carefully I disclaimed and explained my post, that I would offend someone. For this, I am sorry; it was not my intention to be harsh or uncharitable and I am sorry if you took my post as a personal attack. I do think that I made every reasonable effort to avoid that, but if you were hurt, I am sorry. I believe one comment has already been addressed, let me just say again that I do not for one minute doubt your loving and sincere intentions. I thought I had made it clear that if I assumed anything, it was that you spoke out of love and compassion. Let me say again that I am a big fan of adoption. Yes, I think people should adopt. I think *more* people should adopt.

 

Well, for the adopted child, they were rejected by their first parent. In my opinion, they experienced what it is like to be rejected by God. There is no worse experience. Jesus was in agony, not because of his physical suffering, but because he was separated from his Heavenly Father and his Heavenly Father had turned away from Him.

 

Very eloquent, Ruthie, and in my case at least, very true. I grew up being told how "perfect" God's plan was for my life. To express any hint of sadness or confusion was to spit in the face of God. As a Christian, this added dynamic is impossible to explain, and I am so moved that you understand.

 

I think it's important to remember when we're talking about adoption that there are three sides to it. Each member of the triad has their sorrows that are difficult to understand by others not in the same place. If each of us truly works to understand the pov of the other there could be so much healing.

I would hope also that you could understand that adoptive parents also have pain and hard times in adoption. I won't go into it here b/c I don't think this is the right thread, but grace extended in all directions would go a mighty long way, especially when no harm is intended.

 

Thank you so much for sharing your story (which I did not quote here). What an amazing and unique situation. It is important to address the unique feelings of each member of the triad, I hope that my post did not give the impression that I am insensitive to those feelings. (Forgive me for being selfish at this point in my life; growing up, all I heard was how painful and sad everything was for my adoptive mom -- I confess that I am in a place right now where I am determined, by golly, that I am going to have a turn having some emotions on the whole issue -- no doubt, I'm being selfish and one-sided right now.) I was trying to stay on topic before my post turned into a dissertation. I first heard the term "triad" used in Nancy Verrier's works (which, by the way, I highly recommend to anyone interested in adoption).

 

Let me make it perfectly clear: my adoptive parents are awesome. There is nothing they could have done differently or better as parents. I don't think people knew in the 70s what they know now. My parents -- I believe all adoptive parents -- do the best they know how. It isn't their fault that at times, it just wasn't enough. I am not blind to the fact that bio parents can do much, much worse.

 

. . . but she is more than the family she knows.

 

Your entire post moved me beyond expression, and this final phrase is absolutely priceless to me. Your daughter is blessed.

[Carrie12345]

Christy,

 

I'm terribly sorry for your pain, and appreciate your courage in sharing your thoughts and experience.

 

You're post DOES make me uncomfortable- not in an offensive way, but by bringing some of my own worries out in the open. I feel strongly pulled toward adoption and, specifically, adoption from the foster care system. I find myself scanning waiting children lists, wondering what size family I can handle, what types of issues I can manage/heal/cope with/fix/survive, what histories I can accept and embrace... Quite frankly, it does feel like some sort of sick pound puppy search.

 

You're terminology leaves me with a lump in my throat because I see the legitimacy of it. I'm just not really sure what to do with it.

[Melinda]

I am not adopted, but we hope to adopt when our biological children are older. What a beautiful post (I have tears in my eyes). You are an emotive writer. Thanks for being so brave and sharing your feelings so openly.

[Jenny in Atl]

:grouphug:Christy:grouphug:

[cupajoe]

Your transparency is admirable and touching. I am honored to have read your post and I have a new perspective from which to view adoption.

Many :grouphug: to you.

[meldamo]

Thank you for sharing. I am an adoptive mother, doing my best, but always in need of reminders of what my daughter may be feeling or may one day feel.

[TN Mama]

No words. Just :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Ginevra]

We are living, breathing, human beings, who will grow up with no genetic mirroring. We will grow up knowing that in order for us to have been placed in these wonderful, dedicated, loving homes . . . there was first a rejection, or a tragedy, or a sad and frightened girl who simply couldn't raise a child. We will wonder on our birthdays if there is someone out there thinking of us. We will wonder if we have been forgotten. We will wonder if we are loved as much as our siblings who are biologically connected to our parents.

 

Some of us will misunderstand how adoption works, and we will wonder if we aren't good enough it we will be sent back, because no matter how careful parents are, they don't realize that sometimes there are unasked and unanswered questions. If we aren't blessed to have siblings, in moments of loneliness we will wonder if there is a brother out there who would have stepped in to fight off that bully if only he had been there to protect us . . . or a sister to whisper with in the dark instead of being alone. We will wonder so many, many things.

 

And our parents will try to answer our questions and they will be as sensitive as they can be, and then they will say that they love taking other people's rejects and because we love them, and we don't want to hurt their feelings, we will swallow hard and smile and try not to ever let on that sometimes . . . sometimes it just SUCKS

 

Christy, :grouphug: I appreciate your perspective. It's undoubtedly what most adoptive parents worry about or know that their adopted children have to feel.

 

You are right that adoption begins with sorrow, tragedy and/or rejection. But isn't it where it ends up that should get the focus? If we take the orphans in Haiti for example, it is true that a horrible tragedy has befallen them. But if someone is willing to adopt a child to try to give them a better ending than their tragic beginnings, shouldn't we be able to focus on that?

 

Many who were not adopted also come out of unhappy beginnings. The job of life is to make the ending as good as we can, whatever we started with. I was not adopted, but things my parents have said have hurt me and made me wonder "why"? My parents did not intend to have 5 kids and constantly referred to the youngest two as "accidents" even though she also always couched this in their being a wonderful blessing.

 

I understand how comments that are not meant to be a personal barb can still feel that way, like your mother's comments about taking in rejects. But you know she was talking about things: junk, stuff, purses, not her child. She said something awkward but it didn't ocurr to her that it would be, because she probably never in a million years would think you would or could apply that to yourself. I would adopt a child in a moment's notice if that opportunity would come my way, but it would not enter my mind for a moment that I was taking someone else's reject. Although there may be a factual element of a rejection, that child is not a "reject" to me.

 

I hope you understand, I do not lessen the hurts you have suffered. But I would also encourage you to consider that most of us do have sorrows to overcome, however our family came to be. An adoptive parent is most often trying to bring something beautiful out of something tragic, sad and terrible. And really, that is the best any of us can do.

[happyhomemaker25]

As an adopted child and adoptive mother I really don't think about my birthparents much. Usually only when Im at the Dr. My parents always made it a point to celebrate my adoption day. It was like another birthday party. We do the same with our kids. They never stopped me from asking any question I wanted. I don't stop my kids.

I have always looked at it as God put me just where he wanted me. In the beginning he wanted me with this other woman, but ultimatly He knew I was going someplace else. He prepared that place for me with my parents.

When I think about the life my kids could have had, that's what breaks my heart. I know what their birthparents were like. They made a choice to not take care of their children. They chose pleasure of drugs, sex, and partying over these children. It's hard to feel sorry for them.

I NEVER bad mouth the bios to my kids! I even keep in touch with one on a limited basis so that if my boys want to know her one day when they are adults I can give them all the info I have. The other BM never even wanted to try to get in touch with me.

I do understand the courage it took to write that post. But I also understand that sometimes adoption is funny. I laughed out loud at the souvenir reference. It reminded me of the Disney commercial where the little girl says her mom and dad say that her little brother is a souvenir. Sometimes the jokes are just that jokes. I could never have made it through the years I fostered without a sense of humor. Without duck skin.

I even joked with my husband about it before we got married. My family is full of nuts (said in a loving way) before he met them I smiled sweetly and reminded him, "I am adopted!"

It's a joke in the whole family now. Even my kids say it when we embarass them or they do something "weird".

Being newly pregnant with our "first biological" child has made me wonder how to explain to people that I am as nervous and excited as any new mom. My oldest daughter looked at me and said, "Just tell them it's your first womb baby. You have five heart kids, but this one is all you." LOL We thought that was hilarious. Others thought it was a bit crass.

Those are just my feelings on being adopted. I think that's what makes this board great. We are all different. :)

[Nicole M]

Thank you.

 

Whenever I read the hallelujahs for a God so gracious as to "give" a baby to an adoptive mother, I am very painfully aware of the shadow of that blessing. As much as I celebrate for the adoptive mother and know that the baby is the answer to a deep longing, I also grieve for the one, sometimes a child herself, who bore that baby, and who will have to live out the rest of her life without that child. And now I have a tiny glimpse into what that baby will wonder.

 

Thank you.

[LibraryLover]

:grouphug: Christy, thank you for sharing that. As an adoptive mom, I always appreciate such insight.

[elizabeth]

I appreciate the risk you took in posting something so painful and raw in its honesty. I fervently hope that your experience helps others to reevaluate their thinking about this as being a simple win-win situation. Nothing is ever simple and although humans like to think that only good can come from the best intentions obviously there is more than meets the eye.

[jujsky]

As an adopted child and adoptive mother I really don't think about my birthparents much. Usually only when Im at the Dr. My parents always made it a point to celebrate my adoption day. It was like another birthday party. We do the same with our kids. They never stopped me from asking any question I wanted. I don't stop my kids.

I have always looked at it as God put me just where he wanted me. In the beginning he wanted me with this other woman, but ultimatly He knew I was going someplace else. He prepared that place for me with my parents.

When I think about the life my kids could have had, that's what breaks my heart. I know what their birthparents were like. They made a choice to not take care of their children. They chose pleasure of drugs, sex, and partying over these children. It's hard to feel sorry for them.

I NEVER bad mouth the bios to my kids! I even keep in touch with one on a limited basis so that if my boys want to know her one day when they are adults I can give them all the info I have. The other BM never even wanted to try to get in touch with me.

I do understand the courage it took to write that post. But I also understand that sometimes adoption is funny. I laughed out loud at the souvenir reference. It reminded me of the Disney commercial where the little girl says her mom and dad say that her little brother is a souvenir. Sometimes the jokes are just that jokes. I could never have made it through the years I fostered without a sense of humor. Without duck skin.

I even joked with my husband about it before we got married. My family is full of nuts (said in a loving way) before he met them I smiled sweetly and reminded him, "I am adopted!"

It's a joke in the whole family now. Even my kids say it when we embarass them or they do something "weird".

Being newly pregnant with our "first biological" child has made me wonder how to explain to people that I am as nervous and excited as any new mom. My oldest daughter looked at me and said, "Just tell them it's your first womb baby. You have five heart kids, but this one is all you." LOL We thought that was hilarious. Others thought it was a bit crass.

Those are just my feelings on being adopted. I think that's what makes this board great. We are all different. :)

 

Thank you for sharing your perspective as well, and congratulations on your "womb baby." :lol: We adopted my oldest and then got pregnant with my DD. One thing you will hear a lot after your child is born (and it annoys the crap out of me because it's NOT true -- our best friends will never, ever conceive and it's been said in front of them before) is, "Oh! That ALWAYS happens! I've heard so many stories of people adopting and then getting pregnant!"

 

They mean it in a nice way, but seriously -- GAG!

[Denisemomof4]

There are frequent posts regarding adoption on this board. I think that is marvelous; I enjoy being able to discuss or read discussions on any number of topics. I realize there are many adoptive parents on this board. I appreciate and admire your dedication to your children. I would never question your love or devotion to them, and unless I am given reason to think otherwise, I would assume you are fantastic parents. There are some who amaze me with their sensitivity and I am thankful to have the opportunity to say thank-you on behalf of myself and on behalf of your children who do not yet appreciate the extraordinary things you are doing, but who will, someday, I promise.

 

There are any number of situations where adoption is clearly the best, and sometimes only, choice -- for adoptive parents and for adoptees. I am a big fan of adoption. Parents who are eager to share their love and their homes, children who are blessed to be placed in homes where they are so wanted and appreciated -- it can be, and usually is, a beautiful thing.

 

That said.

 

I must say, when children are referred to as being souveniers . . . or when someone wonders if suddenly there are going to be Haitian babies up for grabs . . . these sorts of comments really, really are gut-wrenching to me. (And please, do not be personally offended if you posted such a comment -- I am NOT trying to "call you out" . . . I would assume that those who posted such comments had only the best of intentions and meant those things in a positive way; I believe your heart is in the right place.) Believe me when I say it does not cause me to have any hard feelings: my own mother commented to someone the other day that she "just loved taking in other people's rejects" (they were discussing a cute purse that someone had been given). My mom is the dearest, kindest person I know . . . she had no idea how that offhand comment cut to my very soul. So, I am sincere when I say that I really and truly believe that no one intends any harm, that is not my point.

 

What is my point? There is a point, in this rambling, I promise.

 

My point is this: Adopted children, abandoned children, children potentially in need of a home are not puppies to be picked up at the local shelter.

 

We are living, breathing, human beings, who will grow up with no genetic mirroring. We will grow up knowing that in order for us to have been placed in these wonderful, dedicated, loving homes . . . there was first a rejection, or a tragedy, or a sad and frightened girl who simply couldn't raise a child. We will wonder on our birthdays if there is someone out there thinking of us. We will wonder if we have been forgotten. We will wonder if we are loved as much as our siblings who are biologically connected to our parents.

 

Some of us will misunderstand how adoption works, and we will wonder if we aren't good enough it we will be sent back, because no matter how careful parents are, they don't realize that sometimes there are unasked and unanswered questions. If we aren't blessed to have siblings, in moments of loneliness we will wonder if there is a brother out there who would have stepped in to fight off that bully if only he had been there to protect us . . . or a sister to whisper with in the dark instead of being alone. We will wonder so many, many things.

 

And our parents will try to answer our questions and they will be as sensitive as they can be, and then they will say that they love taking other people's rejects and because we love them, and we don't want to hurt their feelings, we will swallow hard and smile and try not to ever let on that sometimes . . . sometimes it just SUCKS. And if I come across as harsh, or snarky, or if I post something in a thread about adoption that isn't nice . . . please forgive me -- I'm probably just having one of the days where being adopted just doesn't feel as sparkly and magical as you might think.

 

Adoption can be wonderful. And it can be devastating. And it can be both all at the same time. And we are not puppies, and I just needed to "say" that out loud, and ask you to please, please remember.

 

I have not read any of the responses yet (but will read them all) but I want to thank you for sharing this. I love to read the thoughts of adult adoptees. I have learned some things TO DO and some things NOT TO DO. I have tried to read what adoptees like and dislike. I read 20 Things Adoptees Wish Their Parents Knew before I ever brought my daughter home. I try and try.

 

But honestly, her pain is just too deep. Since she could talk she has told me she wished I was Chinese. It was always my intention to go back to China so she wouldn't be the only Chinese child in an American family. I was secretively praying for that early on, but I stopped. Her troubles are far too deep and I know with absolute certainty I can NOT do this again.

 

Maybe one day I will use my wealth of knowledge to help other children. Maybe one day I will be a therapeutic foster parent. Maybe someday I WILL be able to use all I have learned to help another. But right now, I will use all that energy to bring as much peace and normalcy into my family as humanly possible, and I will try to help my a-child's heart heal. But in order for it to heal, SHE needs to want that. I don't know if she ever will.

 

I never realized how deep and painful adoption issues are. I don't use the analogy of a hole in her heart, I use the analogy of a bucket FILLED with holes, and no matter how much I pour into her, it's never enough to fill her.

 

She'll be 7 in March. She's come a long way, and I hope she will make strides in the future. All I want for her is to allow herself to have a good life. It's so hard to watch her continuously sabotage it. But I do keep two steps ahead of her most of the time and I have gotten real good at redirection. I'm hoping some day she'll be able to handle herself on her own, OUT OF MY SIGHT, and allow herself to just BE.

 

I see the comments other make and how they affect her. I ask her opinion of what she'd like me to do at times, and my mommy daggers come out at other times. Sometimes people say the stupidest things and they have NO IDEA the pain it causes her. Like the comment your mother made. I'm so sorry. When I read how it makes you feel, I have a picture of my daughter's face in my head. I see that sad, withdrawn look all too often. I'm sorry your heart aches at times.

 

Again, thank you so much for sharing. It means the world to me.