Has anyone heard that hsing can be detrimental to a child's emotional dev?

[Sherri in MI]

I don't want to stir up any trouble, or upset anyone, but I am interested in serious informed discussion on this. I was talking to a well-educated (R.N. and counselor) Christian woman who said that she believes homeschool can be good for kids academically, but harmful to their emotional development as they get older. Please know that she spoke out of concern and not out of antagonism toward homeschoolers.

 

She said that some of the developmental goals for children or tasks they need to learn are:

 

By age 5- learn to separate from Mom and take orders from other adults;

 

Grades 3 to 5: learn to get along in groups in a give and take environment (working w/ siblings at home is different because it is such a controlled environment)

 

Pre-teen to teen: turn more to peers than parents. This is important in order to work our their own viewpoints.

 

She said if you parent well during these stages they will eventually come back to what their parents taught them, but that they need to work through what they really think and believe themselves.

 

Her opinion was that homeschooling does not provide enough opportunities for relationships with other adults and peers in order for the kids to accomplish these tasks. She said that homeschooled kids are being set up to be warped emotionally beings unless you do things to compensate for this. Sunday church and AWANA are not enough.

 

She also said she has spoken to several college counselors who say that homeschool graduates do very well academically, but have some social/emotional difficulties in college: they don't know how to give and take; don't know how to live in dorms; can't study with the noise in dorms and on campus (must have quiet to concentrate; and can't share with others (outside the family).

 

The college concerns don't bother me, except saying they can't share or give and take. (I can't concentrate w/ noise and I grew up in public school & I think dorms are a strange living situation anyway, but I don't think there's anything wrong w/ them per se).

 

But I am concerned about the developmental milestones. Has anyone heard this before? Do any of you have a background in child development?

Looking forward to your comments.

 

Thanks,

Sherri

[myfunnybunch]

This sounds to me like goals written based on observations of how children in public schools develop socially and emotionally. This viewpoint is culture- and group-schooling-specific.

 

I'd bet parents of children centuries years ago would be horrified or just plain puzzled by these goals....turn to peers more than parents? :confused:

 

Children can learn to take orders from other adults even if they are homeschooled. Grandparents, neighbors, friends' parents, teachers in homeschool classes, coaches, librarians, Sunday school teachers, volunteeer coordinators. I am tired of this lame argument getting trotted out. We don't lock our children in boxes, for crying out loud.

 

School is also a controlled environment. So is soccer, ballet, a play date, karate, language class and even play at the neighborhood park. Public-schooled children aren't dropped onto a deserted island and left to fend for themselves.

 

Children are perfectly capable of working on developing their viewpoints with adults they love and trust, including their parents. In fact, I'd say it's preferable.

 

I'd be curious as to how many college counselors she's spoken with. How many is "several"? And are these counselors talking to all previously homeschooled college students or just the ones with problems?

 

Cat

[prairie rose]

 

By age 5- learn to separate from Mom and take orders from other adults;

 

Why on earth is this important? The only advantage I can see to this is that it makes things easier on the Kindergarten teacher. My kids do just fine being separated from us but they were more like 6 - 8 when they first started doing things like classes and whatnot without us.

 

Grades 3 to 5: learn to get along in groups in a give and take environment (working w/ siblings at home is different because it is such a controlled environment)

 

What about cousins, neighbors, accquaintances and friends? Do homeschoolers not have these? My kids have never had problems working with others in any situation. More often than not, they are the ones gently correcting the behavior of others and making sure everyone is included and getting along.

 

Pre-teen to teen: turn more to peers than parents. This is important in order to work our their own viewpoints.

 

Hmmm....not sure I agree. Yes they need to work out their own view point but teenage peers are not the ones I would want them to be "turning to". I don't want them to be peer dependent in their teenage years. I also don't limit my children's world view. We are atheist/agnostic and I have one child who is very interested in church and religion and prefers creation to evolution. As long as she can argue her point intelligently and isn't just following the crowd, I'm fine with it.

 

She also said she has spoken to several college counselors who say that homeschool graduates do very well academically, but have some social/emotional difficulties in college: they don't know how to give and take; don't know how to live in dorms; can't study with the noise in dorms and on campus (must have quiet to concentrate; and can't share with others (outside the family).

 

The college concerns don't bother me, except saying they can't share or give and take. (I can't concentrate w/ noise and I grew up in public school & I think dorms are a strange living situation anyway, but I don't think there's anything wrong w/ them per se).

 

Not everyone is able to adapt and do well in a campus environment. PS kids, private school kids and homeschoolers alike all have these problems. Some work it out eventually either by adapting or working out a living situation that works for them or they go to a smaller school until they have their bearings in college life or even just go to a smaller school and graduate from there. But these problems are not exclusive to homeschoolers.

 

To be honest, I don't think your friend has a lot of experience with real homeschoolers of all kinds. It sounds like she has had some experience with a particular subset of homeschoolers and has made some broad generalizations, IMHO.

 

ETA: I also meant to say that a child of college age who can't share or understand give and take has deeper issues. Unless your friend is saying that because a homeschooled child is more likely to stand up for himself when he has been wronged and therefore rock the boat and make more waves than a child who learned to just let it go in years of public school bullying, then I'd just have to disagree with her that it's a bad thing. ;)

 

 

;)

Edited December 22, 2009 by prairie rose

[Parrothead]

I don't have any statistics but it sounds to me like she is talking out of her hat. The ole "socialization" argument with a new twist.

 

Modern homeschooled kids have opportunity to take instruction from other adults, play with friends/peers, sharing, etc.

 

Who really knows how to live in a dorm? Unless you are raising your child in a commune or some similar type situation, I'd think dorm life is a new experience for most people entering college.

 

Personally I think 5 is too early for quite a few children to be gone from home all day. Some do well with it, some don't.

 

Seriously unless you kid(s) never leave the house and never have friends outside of siblings, homeschoolers do great.

[Peek a Boo]

of course we've heard it before.

The NEA actively lobbies against homeschooling and includes in the Resolutions Every. Year. that homeschooling is harmful to children.

 

My usual response is that we have gobs of statistics and hard data showing how GREAT [ :tongue_smilie: ] public school is for a child's emotional development. If she wants to compare the number of public/private schooled kids in juvenile detention and jail w/ the number of homeschooled kids, I'd like to see that.

 

The fact of the matter is that there are SEVERAL kids -- both homeschooled AND traditional schooled-- that have problems at colleges. The sex, drugs, and alcohol problems concern me much more than the catching up w/ learning in a group environment problems.

I have issues w/ kids learning more from inexperienced peers than competent adults: the blind leading the blind.

 

and honestly, you'll be able to find any number of childhood development "experts" that will disagree with her. I, however, am not considered a "childhood development expert" lol. :lol:

[Wildiris]

I hope this post does not get buried because it raises some valid points. I can only speak as a parent of four. I do think homeschool kids are able to interact with adults well, but interacting with their peers it is a different story. It has been my experience thus far that interacting with peers, particularly pre-teen peers, poses the greatest challenge to my kids. I do not think they are warped emotionally, but they are different. Being accepted by others and playing the game, especially the girl game of exclusive, in-crowd types of stuff can be difficult to negotiate for a homeschooler even if that homeschooler has gone to after school classes for years with the same group of girls.

 

The point about Establishing their own point of view based on interactions with other adults in the role of a teacher is one that worth considering in depth. I personally find this argument compelling, yet when my sons attended public school I did not find the adults/teachers exemplary people. I wonder if private school offers more?

************************************************************

Peek is right about kids in general having a hard time adjusting to college--it isn't just homeschool kids.

Edited December 22, 2009 by Wildiris
response

[elfgivas]

my first degree is in child psych....

 

for our dds, what i did was to find them group activities appropriate to each age group, and make sure they had the experiences which would help them function in the wider world without me. when they were meeting the "take direction from other adults" learning, then i wouldn't volunteer for the activity. if they were working on learning to behave in a group, then i found i could volunteer, and just not work with their particular group. for our dds, it has been a source of important learnings.

 

in the early years:

gymnastics class

vacation bible school

soccer

dance

 

in the mid elementary years, we added in:

zoo day camp

marine biology day camp

 

in the late elementary years, we added in:

sleep away girl scout weekends

choir

violin choir

 

i actually did keep track of ages and genders of instructors to make sure they had experience with people of different ages, stages and genders.

 

the difference then became only the percentages of time spent, and that doesn't seem to have effected the development of good skills at all (actually, it seems to have helped, as they have good relationship skills)

 

fwiw,

ann

[Cedarmom]

How are these milestones determined? How long have they been around? Seems to me that 200 years age. before public school, children grew up into competent adults. Actually, they were mature earlier then they are now. Now, we have more 20 year olds still waiting to grow up.

 

It sounds like the same socialization argument only worded more "educationese" I heard the same things when I started homeschooling. And yet, home schooling seems to produce, for the large majority, people who are confident, educated and enjoy being around others. I have home schooled my son since he was 5. He is now ready to graduate. At 5, he was the typical shy kid. SOme people said I was doing him a disservice by not making him separate from mom. Now he is ready to graduate. I often hear cooments on how wonderful he is. People are impressed w ith his ability to joyfully talk to anyone, whether it be an adult, an agemate, or a child.

[Alice]

I'm a pediatrician so I have some background in child development. Although honestly I think being a mom and working with other kids in other settings has taught me as much or more than any formal education.

 

I think there is some controversy about the tasks you mention, not everyone will agree that those tasks are essential for development. For example, there is controversy over the idea that peer interactions must become more important than parental interactions.

 

That said, even assuming that the tasks are accurate as stated, I think it's not true that homeschooling interferes with the ability to achieve those developmental tasks. I think your friend might have a very narrow view of homeschooled kids and families. For example, it seems that the families your friends knows or she has in her head are those that don't discuss other ideas with their kids, that don't encourage them to develop independent thinking, that don't seek out opportunities for kids to work in groups. I'm sure those families and homeschooled kids exist but I don't think it's absolute that homeschooling has to be that way, or even that it's usually the norm. Homeschooling certainly has challenges, and I think sometimes homeschoolers are to quick to dismiss any concerns about socialization as silly. I think it can be a challenge...just a different one than at regular school and one that can easily be creatively addressed.

 

I'm sure others with more experience at homeschooling than me will answer to some of the specific concerns. I'd say that in general I find the homeschooled kids I know are more able to talk and relate to adults and people of all ages, as they are not used to being in the artificial setting of a classroom.

[KathyBC]

There are other professionals with a different viewpoint. You could recommend Hold on to Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D. and Gabor Mate, M.D. If I can restate some of their thesis intelligently :001_unsure: peer-oriented children are less likely to mature and individuate than those with healthy attachments to adults. To help develop true independence, healthy family ties are far more important.

[LinRTX]

I have graduated two form homeschool and will graduate the third in another year. They are all doing fine. My third is the most social child I have ever known. They are all very strong in their beliefs and do not parrot our beliefs.

 

The funny thing about this post is the comment about the college dorms. We will never try a college dorm again, because the public school kids who make up the majority of the dorm make it impossible to study because of the drugs and co-habitation going on. The dorm is not a dorm but a free for all party.

 

I also don't believe that the peer dependent teen years do anything to promote teens forming their own ideas as much as discussion with adults with more wisdom and experience.

 

Linda

[Parrothead]

I hope this post does not get buried because it raises some valid points. I can only speak as a parent of four. I do think homeschool kids are able to interact with adults well, but interacting with their peers it is a different story. It has been my experience thus far that interacting with peers, particularly pre-teen peers, poses the greatest challenge to my kids. I do not think they are warped emotionally, but they are different. Being accepted by others and playing the game, especially the girl game of exclusive, in-crowd types of stuff can be difficult to negotiate for a homeschooler even if that homeschooler has gone to after school classes for years with the same group of girls.

Do you really want your kids playing the game though?

That is one of the reasons I'm planning on homeschooling through high school.

[Peek a Boo]

I do think homeschool kids are able to interact with adults well, but interacting with their peers it is a different story. It has been my experience thus far that interacting with peers, particularly pre-teen peers, poses the greatest challenge to my kids. .......I personally find this argument compelling, yet when my sons attended public school I did not find the adults/teachers exemplary people. I wonder if private school offers more?

 

that's part of my biggest issues:

 

my guys are great at interacting with other teens, but they aren't inclined to suffer fools lightly. And unfortunately, I'm reminded of the movie Blast from the Past: the problem with interacting was NOT with the one that had been isolated, but with the "normal" people.

I do NOT want my kids to interact in the way that is currently seen as "normal."

per my previous post, the pre-teen years are where more guidance seems to be NEEDED. you can find past threads here where many don't mind sending their kids to high school, but will avoid those middle school years in a class situation.

 

and no, most private schools don't necessarily offer "more" --unless you're just looking for "more COST."

 

There's a book called Best Friends, Worst Enemies: Understanding the Social Lives of Children that spell out how you will find those group dynamics in EVERY class or group of people [not just kids] across the world, and admits that they can see how homeschooling can eliminate the bad aspects of social isolation, negative peer pressure, and bullying that happen on a DAILY basis in the classroom.

[Impish]

I'd say 'peer influence' is one of the bigger reasons to continue hsing. The LAST thing I want is my kids turning to their peers...I've seen the kids in ps, and its NOT what I want my kids thinking is normal or rational or ok in the slightest.

[CactusPair]

These are interesting, important questions.

 

I'm not an expert of any kind, but I wonder about these issues myself.

 

My dc are involved in community sports and several schoolyear-long dance classes. Soon dd will start piano lessons.

 

One reason I like our extracurricular programs is the teaching dc receive from other adults. They take instruction quite well and have learned to work within a large, noisy group of peers. It takes cooperation and teamwork to play sports or learn dance recital routines.

 

The dc enjoy their sub-communities and time away from Mom. It's good for all of us. I can tell it builds their self-confidence and sense of identity to participate in these programs. I see their involvement in these groups as vital and part of their overall education, especially bec. the dc get to interact with lots of kids from all kinds of backgrounds.

 

But I don't think they need to go to attend an all day academic program away from home to thrive emotionally. In fact, I think public school would hinder my dc emotional growth and train it in ways I don't wish to see it go.

 

As for the college concerns, public school did nothing to help me cope with college campus life. I was ill-suited to the dorm environment, but I don't consider that a fault or failing. I like privacy and peace, just like my parents and siblings do. Probably a genetic thing, kwim? I did much better when I commuted from home, and later, when I moved into my own campus apt.

[Peek a Boo]

Do you really want your kids playing the game though?

That is one of the reasons I'm planning on homeschooling through high school.

:iagree:

[creekland]

College admissions folks I've talked to have told me that homeschoolers are among their best - and worst - students (both academically and socially). Since they said, "among" I would think public schooled kids are too. :)

 

My son has been - and still is - actively courted by several colleges. His academics place him in the 97th percentile of college bound students. I guess they are willing to take a chance on the social part - or maybe the fact that he was in public school until 8th grade has helped in that area. Who knows?

 

In any event, I don't WANT my teen's values influenced by their peers. 'Tis part of why we chose to homeschool the high school years. I like a higher level of maturity - as do they. (They prefer homeschooling to their public schooled years.)

[Sputterduck]

" turn more to peers than parents." I think this is a lot of what's wrong with our society. heh

[mommyto3]

My kids have never been in school. They all do very well with taking orders from other people. They participate in SS, Awana, soccer, ballet, PE, science classes, as well as spending time with other family adults who are in charge.

 

DS6 has horrible social anxiety issues and in some situations does have problems separating from us. But honestly, I don't think school would help. I would rather work through each situation and see what his deal is, why he's insecure, and help him learn to deal with it and work through it on his own. My others are fine with separation and pretty much always have been.

 

As far as I know, DS7 has no problem getting along in a give and take situation.

 

As for the college thing, I went to a local college mainly because I didn't want to live in a dorm. I knew I would get homesick and be miserable. I wasn't HSed, but went to private and then public school.

[Mary in GA]

I have graduated two form homeschool and will graduate the third in another year. They are all doing fine. My third is the most social child I have ever known. They are all very strong in their beliefs and do not parrot our beliefs.

 

The funny thing about this post is the comment about the college dorms. We will never try a college dorm again, because the public school kids who make up the majority of the dorm make it impossible to study because of the drugs and co-habitation going on. The dorm is not a dorm but a free for all party.

 

I also don't believe that the peer dependent teen years do anything to promote teens forming their own ideas as much as discussion with adults with more wisdom and experience.

 

Linda

:iagree:

I have graduated one so far from home school. I'll add to the dorm comment, though. Ds stayed at home and commuted his first 2 yrs of college. He is in a dorm now at a different university and it is working well. The school takes great care to match transfer students of similar credit hours together as room mates. His roommate is a very serious student, as pretty much anyone who transfers into this university has to be! However, we NEVER. EVER. would have gone for this dorm thing when ds was a freshman. That's when you get so many kids who just go nuts b/c they are suddenly "free."

 

Oh, and despite being home scooled ds doesn't have any problems compromising with his roommate!

Mary

[Renee in NC]

I hope this post does not get buried because it raises some valid points. I can only speak as a parent of four. I do think homeschool kids are able to interact with adults well, but interacting with their peers it is a different story. It has been my experience thus far that interacting with peers, particularly pre-teen peers, poses the greatest challenge to my kids. I do not think they are warped emotionally, but they are different. Being accepted by others and playing the game, especially the girl game of exclusive, in-crowd types of stuff can be difficult to negotiate for a homeschooler even if that homeschooler has gone to after school classes for years with the same group of girls.

 

The point about Establishing their own point of view based on interactions with other adults in the role of a teacher is one that worth considering in depth. I personally find this argument compelling, yet when my sons attended public school I did not find the adults/teachers exemplary people. I wonder if private school offers more?

************************************************************

Peek is right about kids in general having a hard time adjusting to college--it isn't just homeschool kids.

 

I'll agree that homeschoolers are different as children. My 11yo has a game he plays where he tries to guess whether someone goes to school or is homeschooled. He is often right.;) However, I don't think it is long-term detrimental.

 

Years ago, an acquaintance pulled her dd out of ps in the 6th grade, hsed for 2 years, and put her back in school. During that time, her daughter didn't change much, but her peers did. When she went back to school, her peers had left her in the dust socially and emotionally, but not necessarily for the better.

 

However, I don't want my dc playing the game. One of the BIG reasons I homeschool is to avoid the social and emotional cesspool called school. This isn't real life and I don't see evidence that *adult* interactions are positively impacted because someone survived junior high. As an adult, I don't play the "in-crowd" games very well either and just plain won't.

 

I think that it all balances out in the end.

[Hedgehogs4]

I don't want to stir up any trouble, or upset anyone, but I am interested in serious informed discussion on this. I was talking to a well-educated (R.N. and counselor) Christian woman who said that she believes homeschool can be good for kids academically, but harmful to their emotional development as they get older. Please know that she spoke out of concern and not out of antagonism toward homeschoolers.

 

She said that some of the developmental goals for children or tasks they need to learn are:

 

By age 5- learn to separate from Mom and take orders from other adults;

 

Grades 3 to 5: learn to get along in groups in a give and take environment (working w/ siblings at home is different because it is such a controlled environment)

 

Pre-teen to teen: turn more to peers than parents. This is important in order to work our their own viewpoints.

 

She said if you parent well during these stages they will eventually come back to what their parents taught them, but that they need to work through what they really think and believe themselves.

 

Her opinion was that homeschooling does not provide enough opportunities for relationships with other adults and peers in order for the kids to accomplish these tasks. She said that homeschooled kids are being set up to be warped emotionally beings unless you do things to compensate for this. Sunday church and AWANA are not enough.

 

She also said she has spoken to several college counselors who say that homeschool graduates do very well academically, but have some social/emotional difficulties in college: they don't know how to give and take; don't know how to live in dorms; can't study with the noise in dorms and on campus (must have quiet to concentrate; and can't share with others (outside the family).

 

The college concerns don't bother me, except saying they can't share or give and take. (I can't concentrate w/ noise and I grew up in public school & I think dorms are a strange living situation anyway, but I don't think there's anything wrong w/ them per se).

 

But I am concerned about the developmental milestones. Has anyone heard this before? Do any of you have a background in child development?

Looking forward to your comments.

 

Thanks,

Sherri

 

parents are best suited to equip their children for life outside of the home. children who are brought up thinking that everyone else will and should agree with their viewpoints are ones who have difficulty, imo. those who are instructed by parents who expose them carefully to the world will see that they are not always going to be coddled, and will adapt. If they see their parents adapting, they will follow their examples.

 

i see nothing wrong with kids not getting on well in dorm life. it's an unnatural and bizarre microcosm that we have come to accept as normal. it would be strange for someone whose primary experience has been a healthy home life to find dorm life a difficult transition. i went to p.s. and hated my first year of dorm life so much that i went home to complete the second semester. it was horrible. i went back to a "tamer" situation my sophomore year, and adapted, but overall, i found it a very strange situation to be in.

[Colleen in NS]

Grades 3 to 5: learn to get along in groups in a give and take environment (working w/ siblings at home is different because it is such a controlled environment)

 

I think a little control is good, esp. when kids are younger. If they learn/grow in a controlled environment, they can learn to cope/control themselves when they get into any chaotic or give and take environment when they are older.

 

She said if you parent well during these stages they will eventually come back to what their parents taught them, but that they need to work through what they really think and believe themselves.

 

I don't think I parent well all the time, and I don't believe that anyone does all the time. So I'm glad for the time I have to redeem myself and to teach my kids to think logically through what they think (as they grow). This takes time and if I turn them over to their peers while they are growing, I lose that time. Their father and I are the only ones who can give them the concrete thinking skills they will need to develop their own beliefs. Besides, I am their mother - of COURSE I hope they will come around to the BIG ideas that really matter to dh and I! I don't believe it when people say they don't really care what their kids believe, in regards to big ideas.

 

homeschooling does not provide enough opportunities for relationships with other adults and peers

 

That's too generalistic - is the proper term, "blanket statement?" It's just not true of every homeschooler.

 

.

[mohop]

I love this comment from prairie rose:

 

Pre-teen to teen: turn more to peers than parents. This is important in order to work our their own viewpoints.

 

Hmmm....not sure I agree. Yes they need to work out their own view point but teenage peers are not the ones I would want them to be "turning to". I don't want them to be peer dependent in their teenage years. I also don't limit my children's world view. We are atheist/agnostic and I have one child who is very interested in church and religion and prefers creation to evolution. As long as she can argue her point intelligently and isn't just following the crowd, I'm fine with it.

So true! Aren't they exposed to other ideas during the course of their education? I would rather my child's viewpoints be informed by great thinkers and authors than other teens at school! In a school setting, teens are more likely to want to just be one of the crowd rather than really independently evaluate what people do and believe. Edited December 22, 2009 by mohop

[joannqn]

She said that some of the developmental goals for children or tasks they need to learn are:

 

By age 5- learn to separate from Mom and take orders from other adults;

 

My children have typically developed this ability around the age of 2; they have no problems being left in the care of someone else and taking orders from them. Some believe attachment parenting models, which is kind of what she's objecting to, create emotionally insecure children who can't separate from mom but we've found that the opposite seems true; provide a secure, firm attachment and children know they can trust mom even when she's not there. The children who have been forced into early detachment, from my limited experience, are the ones screaming for the entire hour they are in childcare at church.

 

Grades 3 to 5: learn to get along in groups in a give and take environment (working w/ siblings at home is different because it is such a controlled environment)

 

My daughter is in this age group and has no problems whatsoever with this milestone. She never has. She has joins groups, plays in groups, and leaves group situations very well. Often, she is the leader of the group, but not always.

 

My son is a year below this age group so I can't say whether he'll meet this milestone. He's had social issues from the beginning though. When he was diagnosed with severe learning delays, social delays were part of that. He's academically fine now but the social issues are still there to a degree. I don't know why he has these issues but I suspect it may be either a disability (like aspergers) or a side effect of giftedness (which is often seen). Because he's homeschooled, I have the time to work with him on these issues. If he was at public school all day, I wouldn't be able to see how he interacts with peers to know what to address, and then he wouldn't have the time for us to address it seriously.

Pre-teen to teen: turn more to peers than parents. This is important in order to work our their own viewpoints.

 

Personally, I believe teens who are more connected to their parents and turn to their parents for guidance are MUCH better off than those who seek advise from their inexperienced peers. The teens I've known who have close relationships with their parents are the ones who aren't in trouble.

 

She said if you parent well during these stages they will eventually come back to what their parents taught them, but that they need to work through what they really think and believe themselves.

 

True, but they are more likely to be devoured if they are just thrown to the wolves to fend for themselves before they are strong enough to do so.

 

Her opinion was that homeschooling does not provide enough opportunities for relationships with other adults and peers in order for the kids to accomplish these tasks. She said that homeschooled kids are being set up to be warped emotionally beings unless you do things to compensate for this. Sunday church and AWANA are not enough.

 

I think most of us are more involved than just church and Awana, and their involvements can change every year, bringing new authority figures and peers into the picture. My daughter is involved with a computer club for the first time this year. They are currently working as a group to create a role-playing game for release (to sell or as a free resource to the city...but I'm not sure which). The game will involve taking the character through various tasks like dealing with negative peer interactions (bullies, drugs, alcohol) and finding positive interactions (trusted adults, safe places).

 

My son, who is having attitude issues, was just told that if he doesn't work it out soon his taekwondo master will be brought in to help him with it. At TKD, they take respect and honor of family seriously.

 

No, I don't think homeschooling limits other adult and peer interactions.

 

She also said she has spoken to several college counselors who say that homeschool graduates do very well academically, but have some social/emotional difficulties in college: they don't know how to give and take; don't know how to live in dorms; can't study with the noise in dorms and on campus (must have quiet to concentrate; and can't share with others (outside the family).

 

My home is far from quiet during school hours, and my kids have done school at the children's museum while their younger brother plays.

 

The college concerns don't bother me, except saying they can't share or give and take. (I can't concentrate w/ noise and I grew up in public school & I think dorms are a strange living situation anyway, but I don't think there's anything wrong w/ them per se).

 

But I am concerned about the developmental milestones. Has anyone heard this before? Do any of you have a background in child development?

Looking forward to your comments.

 

 

Thanks,

Sherri

 

 

I don't have any background...just commenting with my own experiences.

[Joanne]

My "qualifications" to answer:

 

I've studied and taught parenting for 10+ years.

I owned and operated 2 daycares.

I teach additional children.

I am a graduate student getting a Masters in Counseling with an emphasis on Christian family issues.

 

The concerns of the profesional in the OP:

 

1) Show an acceptance of culturally sanctioned realities -not inherent, organic realities of children.

 

2) Assume a mutually exclusive relationship to homeschooling and authentic maturation.

 

3) Show ignorance about the wide variety of options, recreation, and extracurriculars available to and used by the majority of homeschooling families.

 

4) Assume that the mass education vehicle is the best - or perhaps only - way to socialize and mature children.

 

5) Fails to accurately name what homeschoolers might have as a disconnect with mass educated peers: knowledge of and interest in pop culture. This leads to the person in the OP elevating pop culture participation and disregarding the value of emphasis on other interests, or at least less of a focus on celebrity.

 

I had a similar conversation with (of all things) a World Series of Poker Dealer this weekend. :lol::lol: Um. Yea. I've homeschooled 10 years, in 2 states, my oldest did very well on the SAT as an 8th grader, my kids are currently, as I type running a Fireworks Stand around me, I am a graduate student and teach parenting. But he knows better than I do.:bigear:

[moki4]

and keep doing what is right for your children.

It is a skill to relate to "reg PS kids". So many are insecure, sad, and lonely! (not all; I know)

I am very familiar with these "milestones", some of which are incorrect.

HS's are off the beaten track, so its not unusual for "our milestones" to be different from the mainstream.

Sometimes its good to be different:)

[LinRTX]

Actually, my one that had the most problems was transferring after getting here associates degree, so she was a junior. The roommate who gave her the most problems was a 27yo sophmore. It was a nightmare. We moved my daughter out of the dorm within 2 weeks and got a full refund on the semester.

 

Never again will I attempt a dorm. Drugs, s*x, and total party land. And no help from the campus. We actually had to bring in the actual police. I even had one attacked with a knife from a fellow dormmate on drugs. I don't consider this a way to "socialize" my kids.

Edited December 23, 2009 by Linda in TX
I can't type.

[Wildiris]

Do you really want your kids playing the game though?

That is one of the reasons I'm planning on homeschooling through high school.

Unfortunately, my DD~12 is finding herself right in the middle of this type of exclusive, game playing situation, and I am at a complete loss as to how to counsel her. Coming from a family of strong-willed individuals, she emphatically does not want to change herself to gain acceptance, yet she finds herself friendless in a group of girls she has gone to ballet class with for four years. It is painful to watch. At a performance rehearsal for the local Nutcracker production she sat alone while the other girls chatted and paired off. We've done the birthday/sleepover bridge building, but it did not result in a friendship of anything more that a "HI" at class. My DD is not ugly in temperament or looks, but this experience may have a lasting impact on how she perceives others. Worst of all she keeps asking "Why me? Why don't they like me?" I do not have an answer. If she went to school my intuition tells me this problem would be worse.

[LizzyBee]

...I do think homeschool kids are able to interact with adults well, but interacting with their peers it is a different story. It has been my experience thus far that interacting with peers, particularly pre-teen peers, poses the greatest challenge to my kids.

 

IME, the pre-teen years are difficult regardless of how a pre-teen is schooled. That's why so many parents homeschool for middle school even if they use ps for elementary and high school.

[Crimson Wife]

Without being too politically incorrect about it ;), I would have to say that the typical family of the "pioneer" generation of homeschoolers is pretty different than most families of the current generation.

 

I knew a family of homeschoolers when I was growing up in the '80's and early '90's and they were the stereotypical ultrahippies. My DH knew a family of homeschoolers when he was growing up, and they were the other stereotype. By contrast, nearly all the families we know who currently HS are fairly mainstream.

 

The crunchy ones aren't that different than our crunchy friends who send their kids to the local Waldorf school. The religious ones are similar to folks we know with kids in the local private religious schools.

 

So I always discount the personal anecdotes of "I knew a homeschooled kid and he/she was weird"...

[FairProspects]

Unfortunately, my DD~12 is finding herself right in the middle of this type of exclusive, game playing situation, and I am at a complete loss as to how to counsel her. Coming from a family of strong-willed individuals, she emphatically does not want to change herself to gain acceptance, yet she finds herself friendless in a group of girls she has gone to ballet class with for four years. It is painful to watch. At a performance rehearsal for the local Nutcracker production she sat alone while the other girls chatted and paired off. We've done the birthday/sleepover bridge building, but it did not result in a friendship of anything more that a "HI" at class. My DD is not ugly in temperament or looks, but this experience may have a lasting impact on how she perceives others. Worst of all she keeps asking "Why me? Why don't they like me?" I do not have an answer. If she went to school my intuition tells me this problem would be worse.

 

This is definitely NOT just because she is homeschooled. It is a peer thing, plain and simple. I went through this in 7th grade when girls I had played basketball with for years in elementary school just wouldn't pass to me because I wasn't "cool" enough and didn't eat lunch with them. This happens in public, private and home school situations. Unfortunately, girls can be very cruel sometimes, but it wouldn't be any better at ps :tongue_smilie:.

[Mary in GA]

Actually, my one that had the most problems was transferring after getting here associates degree, so she was a junior. The roommate who gave her the most problems was a 27yo sophmore. It was a nightmare. We moved my daughter out of the dorm within 2 weeks and got a full refund on the semester.

 

Never again will I attempt a dorm. Drugs, s*x, and total party land. And no help from the campus. We actually had to bring in the actual police. I even had one attacked with a knofe from a fellow dormmate on drugs. I don't consider this a way to "socialize" my kids.

 

Yikes! That's frightening!

[dragons in the flower bed]

I'd bet parents of children centuries years ago would be horrified or just plain puzzled by these goals....turn to peers more than parents? :confused:

 

 

According to my sociology textbook, parents of children centuries ago, in non-western, and in pre-industrial cultures would NOT be shocked. Children have always gone through periods of individuation when they rip themselves away from their family and then come back a little more themselves. Two-year-olds do it, or babies who have just gained confidence on their legs. Teenagers do it. And yes, at six and nine all cultures see such a thing. Six-year-olds growing up in Stone Age cultures hang out with other six-year-olds. The twelve-year-olds get together and avoid both the smaller children and the older "children" (usually considered adults).

 

It happens in homeschooling groups too. We have a nine-year-old here who is experimenting with the values of friends and extended family, seeing what it's like to not be a pacifist for a few days. After a little while of pacifism-optional, the kiddo has realized that this value is important to her, to her specifically for her own reasons, not just because Mom and Dad are peaceniks.

 

This person is right that if we attempt to stop this process it would be harmful, but they're wrong about where the process takes place. It's not a physical separation. It's something that happens in hearts and minds.

[ciyates]

She said that some of the developmental goals for children or tasks they need to learn are:

 

By age 5- learn to separate from Mom and take orders from other adults;

 

 

 

Why would people assume they would take direction from mom and dad but not other adults? It is my experience the public school teaches how limited the adult's authority really is! My DS has never had a problem with taking orders or directions from another adult.

 

People naturally adapt to the group they are in. People even go so far as to change the speed of their speech to fit in their social group. They were not required to sit in a class room for 8 hours to learn that.

[Carol in Cal.]

But I believe that she has let her education overrule her powers of observation.

 

 

By age 5- learn to separate from Mom and take orders from other adults;

 

I disagree with this. I think that '5' is an arbitrary age for this and that there is actually a range of ages that are appropriate. My DD was doing this by age 3, possibly sooner. I contributed to her ability to do so, not by leaving her with others, but by being with her with others and conveying through body language that I was comfortable with them. She picked up on that and was comfortable, too. I gave her a secure base that she absolutely trusted, from which she explored confidently. If I had left her behind, screaming, the result would have been different.

 

She attended a parent coop preschool, and there was a wide variety of ages at which kids became comfortable with being left and with working with other adults. But I don't remember anyone except autistic children never getting there.

Grades 3 to 5: learn to get along in groups in a give and take environment (working w/ siblings at home is different because it is such a controlled environment)

 

I would assert that working in small, coordinated groups, with a high ratio of participating adults MODELLING give and take, teaches this skill better than a class of 20-32 children with only one adults.

 

In our particular case, by 3rd grade I was hosting other children and parents for Junior Great Books and astronomy classes in my home. That is more typical than not of the homeschooling families I know. We explicitly walked the kids through the best ways to interact, and had the time and energy to do so well because there were not that many of them--6-7 children are much easier to pay attention to than 20-32.

 

I believe that this active teaching is more effective than the sink or swim experiences that schools provide.

 

 

Pre-teen to teen: turn more to peers than parents. This is important in order to work our their own viewpoints.

 

I disagree with this goal, on the most fundamental level. If I wanted DD to be raised by peers, I'd take her to the island of Lord of the Flies. Please.

 

Furthermore, I have raised her to have her own viewpoint, thank you very much. My DH argues that I may have gone too far in teaching her to EXPRESS her own viewpoint, actually. Honestly. This one really fries me.

 

She said if you parent well during these stages they will eventually come back to what their parents taught them, but that they need to work through what they really think and believe themselves.

 

It's true that God has no grandchildren, and that everyone needs to come to terms with their faith and values as a separate person to individuate. However, I would rather this happened in the company of a lot of people of various ages and experiences than in the company of just a bunch of semi-feral tweens and teens who outnumber the adults by so many that they can't even hear them.

 

Her opinion was that homeschooling does not provide enough opportunities for relationships with other adults and peers in order for the kids to accomplish these tasks. She said that homeschooled kids are being set up to be warped emotionally beings unless you do things to compensate for this. Sunday church and AWANA are not enough.

 

Someone who really stays home all the doggone time except for AWANA and church might, I emphasize MIGHT, be limiting their children's abilities to experience a reasonable variety of relationships. However, I don't know even one homeschooling family who lives like this. So it seems purely theoretical and irrelevant.

 

She also said she has spoken to several college counselors who say that homeschool graduates do very well academically, but have some social/emotional difficulties in college: they don't know how to give and take; don't know how to live in dorms; can't study with the noise in dorms and on campus (must have quiet to concentrate; and can't share with others (outside the family).

 

I am concerned about everything I have heard about college dorm life from everyone I know. However, I know for sure that my DD will be able to share and give and take and participate in class discussions and socialize. She does need a quiet learning environment, and I will be helping her think through how to get that for herself if necessary.

 

 

 

In conclusion, I disagree with the presentation of these 'developmental milestones' as fundamental tasks for certain ages. I think that they reflect cultural norms rather than true developmental stages, and that most traditional cultures would find them unacceptable as I do. I think that children should be raised by adults to become adults, and that they should have friends of various ages. I also think that homeschooling and attending a small to medium-sized church is the best way to provide this kind of upbringing.

Edited December 22, 2009 by Carol in Cal.

[jazzyfizzle]

I'd say 'peer influence' is one of the bigger reasons to continue hsing. The LAST thing I want is my kids turning to their peers...I've seen the kids in ps, and its NOT what I want my kids thinking is normal or rational or ok in the slightest.

 

 

:iagree: :iagree: Absolutely.

[Sherri in MI]

Unfortunately, my DD~12 is finding herself right in the middle of this type of exclusive, game playing situation, and I am at a complete loss as to how to counsel her. Coming from a family of strong-willed individuals, she emphatically does not want to change herself to gain acceptance, yet she finds herself friendless in a group of girls she has gone to ballet class with for four years. It is painful to watch. At a performance rehearsal for the local Nutcracker production she sat alone while the other girls chatted and paired off. We've done the birthday/sleepover bridge building, but it did not result in a friendship of anything more that a "HI" at class. My DD is not ugly in temperament or looks, but this experience may have a lasting impact on how she perceives others. Worst of all she keeps asking "Why me? Why don't they like me?" I do not have an answer. If she went to school my intuition tells me this problem would be worse.

 

I have never understood this kind of dynamic, nor do I think it is healthy. I experienced it myself several times growing up, especially since I was the "new kid" a lot. I wish I could say grown women don't behave this way, but I would be lying. Even in our churches I have seen this kind of dynamic. It has to do with the individuals involved and and emphasis on "power over" others instead of personal power (mutual respect and empowerment) within the group (clique). I'm sure there is a ringleader and the other girls follow her because they get something out of it.

 

I'm sure it would be worse in school.

[Parrothead]

Unfortunately, my DD~12 is finding herself right in the middle of this type of exclusive, game playing situation, and I am at a complete loss as to how to counsel her. Coming from a family of strong-willed individuals, she emphatically does not want to change herself to gain acceptance, yet she finds herself friendless in a group of girls she has gone to ballet class with for four years. It is painful to watch. At a performance rehearsal for the local Nutcracker production she sat alone while the other girls chatted and paired off. We've done the birthday/sleepover bridge building, but it did not result in a friendship of anything more that a "HI" at class. My DD is not ugly in temperament or looks, but this experience may have a lasting impact on how she perceives others. Worst of all she keeps asking "Why me? Why don't they like me?" I do not have an answer. If she went to school my intuition tells me this problem would be worse.

I feel your pain. I've got the same problem with my dd. She is in 3 dance classes, girl scouts, Sunday school and karate. With all those girls to make a friend with, we have a very hard time finding one person to come play on Saturdays. And not a one of those girls has ever called dd to see if she wants to go to their house for a visit.

 

I'm at as much of a loss as you are, but I won't put dd in school just to see and be seen.

[LittleIzumi]

I feel your pain. I've got the same problem with my dd. She is in 3 dance classes, girl scouts, Sunday school and karate. With all those girls to make a friend with, we have a very hard time finding one person to come play on Saturdays. And not a one of those girls has ever called dd to see if she wants to go to their house for a visit.

 

I'm at as much of a loss as you are, but I won't put dd in school just to see and be seen.

i was like that--but in ps.;)

[dirty ethel rackham]

Being accepted by others and playing the game, especially the girl game of exclusive, in-crowd types of stuff can be difficult to negotiate for a homeschooler even if that homeschooler has gone to after school classes for years with the same group of girls.

 

 

 

Well, that can also be said of kids who go to school. The words "exclusive" and "in-crowd" imply exclusion - who gets excluded? The rest, which would include homeschooled and schooled alike.

 

Like was said before, I would much rather my kids focus on a few friends of good character than on worrying about this superficial social structure. I went to school and got caught up in this nonsense of trying to be in the in-crowd and never succeeding. As an adult, I admire those students who just didn't care and marched to beat of their own drummer. They went on to be successful adults who are making a difference in this world.

[momtoboys]

My 7 year old DS participates in a variety of social activities and sees/interacts w/ children and adults nearly every day. Right now he is on the phone w/ his "best friend" from church and has been for over an hour. I have to say though, some of the issues raised are personality issues (IMO).

 

For example, he (DS) plays a lot w/ the neighbor girl who is in parochial school all day every day, and has been since K. She and he are on the same social level, in fact, he is more outgoing in some ways. They are also both the "oldest" children. Also, DS did go to two years of classical preschool before I began homeschooling in K. I suppose there are a lot of variations based on personality and the homeschool situation, any prior schooling, etc.

 

DS #2 is 3, and separates from me quite easily--once a week to go to a friend's house while I do something else. At least twice a week for church (which adds up to 3-4 hours), and once a week for a 3 hour playgroup/mommies day out type of class.

 

I do not intend to "isolate" my children by HSing. I do know (and any open-minded person should be willing to admit this) that some parents purposely homeschool to isolate their children, and sometimes those homes are really bad. This is NOT the majority, but it exists. Just like bad parenting/homes exist in the public/private school realm, we should not stick our heads in the sand and pretend that homeschool families are all loving, warm, and functional. Many are. . .some are not.

 

Finally, DS#1 does act and talk more like an adult than many children his age. I cannot deny that. I don't know if it's because he's homeschooled or it's a personality thing.

[Tammyla]

On the peer dependant thing. Babies grow into adults, relating to a range of people is a good skill in life, not just those born the year you were.

 

 

Wildiris...Mean girls are mean girls, they always need someone to single out ps or hs. I'm sorry your dd was choosen.:grouphug:

[Dawn in OH]

That opinion about being with peers and taking orders (taking orders? Really? I don't expect my children to be "ordered" about) from other adults sounds like more of the assumption that we lock up our children and never expose them to other people.

 

My children work in groups with peers at their Co-op classes, other classes (museums, library and park system) and extra curricular activities. They take instruction from other adults at these locations also. In group situations they are also expected to listen to the other parents. In fact, my children tend to listen better for their instructors than they do for me.

 

My children are very good at sharing with children they aren't related to, and as for studying and noise, our house is anything but quiet.

 

As for peer influence, I don't see how that could possibly be a good thing. I was a teen once. I remember what the other kids tried to influence me to do. Most of the time, my children are very good at thinking for themselves. They don't need to get away from me to form their own thoughts and ideas. They have plenty of them!

 

I'm sorry,but, while I think this woman wanted to not sound anti-homeschool, she did a fine job of bringing up all the usual concerns and attempting to mask it with her "professional opinion".

[hornblower]

There are other professionals with a different viewpoint. You could recommend Hold on to Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D. and Gabor Mate, M.D. If I can restate some of their thesis intelligently :001_unsure: peer-oriented children are less likely to mature and individuate than those with healthy attachments to adults. To help develop true independence, healthy family ties are far more important.

 

:iagree::iagree:

 

In fact, Neufeld and Mate argue that we have an entire generation of adults who have not matured. He talks a bit in his presentations about parents who are children themselves - & he does not mean age. He's talking about peer-dependent adults, stuck in various levels of development, and trying to raise their own children.

 

Neufeld btw is a developmental psychologist.

 

I would just hand this person this book & say, read this & let's talk it about some more when you're done. I think they're misunderstanding "development" which is a very complicated issue & there are lots of views on it. Jung's concept of steps leading to individuation is I think quite central and remains strong in most theories of development but the general public is not very well versed in these theories. And in the academic realm, I think we've lost the meaning of what 'individuation' looks like (as well as what community and family look like....)

[Stacy in NJ]

mass public education is only a very recent invention. Prior to 1880 (or so) human beings managed to make their way in the world, marry, produce off-spring, live in communities, and innovate...oh, all kinds of things and ideas. All of that without the socialization aspect of public education!!! Whoda thunk it?

 

All of your friend's criticisms are based on fear.

 

ETA: I am sure that homeschoolers do "develop" in slightly different ways than many public school students do. I don't necessarily view that as a negative. Being comfortable as a member of the herd may be reassuring, but not necessarily positive for personal development.

Edited December 22, 2009 by Stacy in NJ
more

[myfunnybunch]

According to my sociology textbook, parents of children centuries ago, in non-western, and in pre-industrial cultures would NOT be shocked.

 

I agree and disagree. It is developmentally normal across time and culture for children to seek out peers, to learn from them and to use those interactions to figure out their identities and values as individuals. We're often drawn to those who are experiencing the same developmental struggles and stages we're experiencing. That's a little different than stating that children shouldturn to peers more than parents or that peers are/should be the primary unit of socialization for preteens and teens.

 

I think they would be shocked by not by the idea that children turn to their peers, but by the idea that children should turn to peers instead of parents, primarily. It's not the actual reliance on peers over parents that many past families and cultures would take issue with, it's the statement that it's somehow desirable and right and that children are somehow lacking if they do not experience this.

 

Cat

[Sherri in MI]

I have to admit her concerns did throw me a bit, but I'm sure that is because I am going through other problems right now. I'm sure her perspective is informed by her experience as a counselor. When she meets people they are having problems. She never implied homeschooling was the problem. I think she was trying to say that homeschooling comes with a unique set of potential problems that a parent must be intentional in order to avoid. She said she is not against homeschooling, but when she works with homeschoolers she tries to work with them to put their children in groups settings. One example she used was team sports.

 

Still, I did feel inadequate as a parent after speaking w/ her. I have an only. It is a challenge keeping him busy. He goes to AWANA and was doing soccer until this year. We go to church on Sunday and church functions. We go to co-op every other week. We have park days and beach days. He had piano lessons for a year. Because he is an only and there are no playmates in the neigborhood, he is more lonely than I would like him to be, but he also is not sheltered. He can be a bit of a loner sometimes, but I think that is more due to some difficulties we've had at church and as a family (dh lost his job, marital problems). All the problems happened after we had just moved to a new area. Still, despite this, he gets along well with the boys at co-op. He does prefer one or two special friends. Every year since we've been here (except this last one because we have no money) he's had a huge birthday party and invited lots of boys and they all come - so I guess he's doing okay. Since the church problem he's been more shy in groups. Yet at the same time he went to camp all by himself this summer when he didnt' know anyone there!

 

The one thing I would say is we need more contact w/ friends during the school year.

 

I agree w/ all of you about the college dorms! It's the most unnatural & unhealthy living arrangement I can think of.

 

Please don't be too mad at my friend. She was not being antagonistic toward us, though she certainly wasn't as supportive as I would've like.

 

I do have to say though that I am getting tired of having to defend myself alot whether its' homeschooling or my faith or anything else. Is it me, or are people more generally in your face, challenging and generally hostile about their opinions than they were say, 20 years ago?

 

It's okay to be opinionated, what I object to is the general lack of respect for the other person displayed in people's tone, body language, their insistent, lecturing manner. Or the style of communicating that disalllows any other opposing opinion. Maybe I invite this kind of thing because I am curious and inquisitive by nature and do not express myself as strongly. I don't know, but I am tired of it. I enjoy lively, friendly discussion, with an emphasis on friendly. I can't say as I have many of those.

 

I'm not referring to anyone here, of course :001_smile:

 

Again, thanks for your comments and encouragment!

 

Blessings,

[at the beach]

I hope this post does not get buried because it raises some valid points. I can only speak as a parent of four. I do think homeschool kids are able to interact with adults well, but interacting with their peers it is a different story. It has been my experience thus far that interacting with peers, particularly pre-teen peers, poses the greatest challenge to my kids. I do not think they are warped emotionally, but they are different. Being accepted by others and playing the game, especially the girl game of exclusive, in-crowd types of stuff can be difficult to negotiate for a homeschooler even if that homeschooler has gone to after school classes for years with the same group of girls.

 

The point about Establishing their own point of view based on interactions with other adults in the role of a teacher is one that worth considering in depth. I personally find this argument compelling, yet when my sons attended public school I did not find the adults/teachers exemplary people. I wonder if private school offers more?

************************************************************

Peek is right about kids in general having a hard time adjusting to college--it isn't just homeschool kids.

 

I haven't had the chance to read all the replies, but I think what you've got here with your dd is pack behavior and the type of exclusionary behavior that goes on with girls and it starts at very early ages, too. Girls in school who are on the outside looking in are probably not grateful for having the opportunity to learn now how to deal with this treatment by other kids. There are kids in school who don't fit in regardless of the fact that they are nice kids who just want a friend. I'm betting they simply do their best to endure the ordeal of school and are grateful to leave when they graduate. I'm not at all sure that the stress they lived with would make being there worthwhile because they learned how to deal with this. Some kids never learn how to deal with the nastiness of other kids. The national news has covered more than one story about a child committing suicide as a result of severe bullying.

 

I'd suggest reading Hold Onto Your Kids because it really explains the sort of behavior that goes on with peer-oriented kids and why it's bad for your child to be peer-oriented. It's a fantastic book.

[Carol in Cal.]

It is developmentally normal across time and culture for children to seek out peers, to learn from them and to use those interactions to figure out their identities and values as individuals. We're often drawn to those who are experiencing the same developmental struggles and stages we're experiencing. That's a little different than stating that children shouldturn to peers more than parents or that peers are/should be the primary unit of socialization for preteens and teens.

 

I think they would be shocked by not by the idea that children turn to their peers, but by the idea that children should turn to peers instead of parents, primarily. It's not the actual reliance on peers over parents that many past families and cultures would take issue with, it's the statement that it's somehow desirable and right and that children are somehow lacking if they do not experience this.

 

Cat

 

Certainly it is normal for children to seek out their peers. However, in traditional cultures there were cultural norms that pointed the way toward adulthood. Adults were to be emulated. Adulthood was a goal. Maturity was taught and it was expected that growth toward maturity was desirable. So in parallel with the peer focus there was a recognized set of expectations that all had for themselves--characterized by early assumption of responsibility and by the respecting of adulthood/maturity. Peer focus was common and accepted, but was not taken all that seriously.

 

And that's how I regard homeschooling. Peer focus is normal, but it's not what leads to maturity. Working with and knowing mature people is what leads to maturity. Assumption of true responsibility is what leads to maturity.

 

And lots of adult-aged people in our culture NEVER GET THERE. It's culturally undesirable to be adult, which I find both interesting and alarming, and do not care to emulate in my own family.

 

Homeschooling gives DD exposure to more adults, without losing her opportunities to have strong peer relationships. Homeschooling gives us a chance to talk about responsibilities and for her to take them on. It gives her the time to do other things than just study and socialize. It has given her a spiritual and mental maturity that I hope will serve her well going forward. It has also given her many, many friends of various ages, and avocations that provide a satisfying alternative to shopping and screen time--the most common pursuits of her public school peers. She is better socialized and individuated than most of the 13 year old school children I know, thanks to our homeschooling.

Edited December 22, 2009 by Carol in Cal.