Poll: Did you mind if someone asked you if your pregnancy was planned or not?

[Lisa R.]

Or do you think it's a fine question to ask?

 

When I was pregnant, I was asked this question over and over. Admittedly, I had only been married five months when I became pregnant. I was shocked that so many people asked that question after hearing I was expecting. I was also a little embarrassed that others thought it was such a big deal that I was pregnant so soon. I thought that the news would be received with happiness rather than inquisitiveness. Each time I was asked I would think to myself, "Why do you *need* to know the answer to that?" I felt like they were asking something so personal...like "did your birth control fail or were you just careless? Or did you really want this to happen?" (By the way, I never answered their questions. I smiled and said, "We're very happy."

 

While I found it rude, obviously not many around me found an issue with this. I felt that it was as personal as asking one's income. Perhaps I am just more private than others, though.

 

Since then and with other subsequent pregnancies, I've heard the question asked of me and others. It seems like this is an accepted and typical conversation for people to have. I'm willing to admit that this is my hang-up.

 

I will say that this question happened most often during my first pregnancy. I think that if I had waited the typical 2-4 years after getting married, I wouldn't have been asked that as often.

 

Still, if this a question you would ask? Were you taken aback when asked this question?

Edited December 4, 2009 by Lisa R.

[mommaduck]

It's rude. It implies that everything should be done within an expected range and anything outside of that presumptuous range should either be an "accident" or that you should feel "guilt" (aka are irresponsible, were unthinking, could have made a "better" decision, should follow the local social "norm", etc).

[Lilymax]

Oh, we were asked this SO many times with our last one. He's 2 months old now...my other two boys are 7 and 11. So with the big spacing, and the fact that I'm 41, everyone just had to ask if it was planned or not.

 

The thing is, we were (are) always open to more children. But I had fertility issues and didn't expect that I'd be able to get pregnant again. I saw my endocrinologist and took a low dose of Clomid, just to see if I would ovulate. (Not expecting to, as it was too weak to work for me before.) Well, much to our surprise, it did work and we got pregnant the first time I took it.

 

So I had no qualms answering that he was our surprise blessing. Because even though we were trying, I didn't expect to get pregnant easily, at all! (And we weren't willing or able to pursue any greater fertility treatments at this time, so if it hadn't worked, that would've been it.) We kept the fact that we were trying a secret, though. Seems that everyone and their brother has an opinion about getting pregnant at 40, or wide age spacing, or having more than two kids...and I don't need to hear it.

 

I do think it is rude to ask if a baby is planned, and I don't think I ever have asked anyone that question!

[MamaT]

:iagree: with mommaduck. It would have been hard for me not to answer, "That's none of your business!" Thankfully, I was never asked that question.

[J'etudie]

.

[Aubrey]

It's one of those things that I probably wouldn't mind discussing *at all* w/ the right person in the right context. Otherwise? I'm liable to answer cheerfully w/out thinking anything, but spend the next several days...realizing?...the implication of the question (even if there wasn't one), & really stew over it. Either be angry or embarrassed.

 

So I didn't vote. Ultimately, I DO think it's rude, but it wouldn't *always* bother me, if that makes sense. And while I can't imagine asking, I can totally imagine being curious. Because I'm really nosy. :001_huh: Hopefully nobody will ever know that w/out me saying so! ;)

[Pink Fairy]

That is way ruder than asking how much land or how many cattle I have, imo. :lol:

 

My canned response to such rudeness is "Why are you asking?" or "Why would you ask something like that?" I haven't had the chance to use it more than once or twice, though. I just don't know enough rude people I guess.

[elegantlion]

I don't remember being asked. Honestly I think by the time I got pregnant most people were like "finally" as we had been married 5 years and not trying by choice.

 

I think it's a rude question for the average person to ask.

[phathui5]

I think it's rude.

[mommaduck]

I'm curious about the 4 that think it isn't rude...

[Guest Katia]

I think it is extremely rude. Yes, I was asked many times, but especially with my 3rd.....you know, I already had the "perfect family" (one boy/one girl), so this one was just assumed to be unplanned.

 

My answer: "Yes, God plans every pregnancy".

 

Usually that was enough to make them shut up and/or realize the rudeness of their question. I remember someone that kept on and on, and I finally asked them, "Do you feel it is somehow your right to know how often and when my husband and I have s*x? Because that is what you are asking." That did the job. :D

[ChristusG]

I voted other because it is no one's business, but I've never minded being asked that question. However, if I had many children all close in age, I imagine it would get old LOL. So I might would change my tune then.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

I got that and this (if you can believe it):

 

"Wow, your kids all look so different from each other. Do they have the same father?"

 

:001_huh: Really? That's an appropriate question to ask a perfect stranger?!:glare:

[Alphabetika]

I recently had our 3rd dd; the other two were 10 and 15 when dd#3 was born and I'm 41. We got asked ALL. THE. TIME if baby #3 was planned or a surprise. I also got asked a few times if my girls all had the same father or if #3 was from a 2nd marriage. My basic answers: Yes, planned, no, not a surprise, yes, all the same father. I do think that these things are no one's business, and it really surprised me when even my good friends asked me this type of question. So I just gave short answers and dropped the subject. :glare:

[Jean in Newcastle]

For me it depends a bit on who asks and how they ask. If someone close to me asks, I would say something general like "we're very happy to have this baby" (which is a politician's answer because it doesn't answer the specific question). But what I found very rude were people who didn't move on then but kept interrogating me trying to find out. I finally asked one person, straight out, "Why do you need to know? If the baby wasn't planned, are you planning to them him that he wasn't wanted?" They thought I was terribly rude to ask them that. :glare:

[Peela]

Both my kids were unplanned but no one ever asked. I dont think I would have been offended if they did, though.

[scubamama]

I think this is a terrible, rude, thoughtless question. However, I realize that most folks are kind of thoughtless to begin with so I assume they're harmless. :lol:

I was asked this many, many time with #3. My MIL told me to get an abortion that no one needs more than 2 kids. I am still smarting from her forceful opinion sharing. Plus, my DD was born with a benign tumor on her face and is mildly disfigured. MIL said, "I hope you're happy now" after baby was born. I miscarried #4 one year ago and people thoughtlessly tried to comfort me with , "You already have 3. Maybe something was wrong with this one too." Nothing could have made me feel worse.

I love the pp's remark that all pregnancies are planned by God.

 

Michele

[amy g.]

I was afraid that people would think Miss Bossy was unplanned, so I started telling people a year before we started trying, "You know, we are talking about having a new baby."

 

Finally one girlfriend said, "You better quit talking and get busy!" Unfortunately, I ended up having 2 miscarriages first, so by the time I got pregnant with her, all of my friends knew that she was definitely planned and desperately wanted.

 

My dad is the only person who asked if we had been trying for this last baby. I said that we both knew we wanted another, but we were not taking temperature, and actively trying to conceive, because that is just so stressful.

 

If a stranger asked me, I'd probably roll my eyes and walk away without answering, so yes, I think it is pretty rude.

[Amy loves Bud]

I rather like being asked. Having grown up the youngest of 7, born 10 years after the next youngest sibling when my parents were 44 and 50, I got tired of the winks and "oops" comments. So I like it when people ask and I can say oh no, we prayed and tried very hard for this child!

 

I wish my parents had come up with some response that suggested what a pleasant surprise I had been. That would have been nice, even if it weren't true, :lol:!

 

I guess I feel like if someone wants to know, I'll tell 'em. No biggie.

Edited December 5, 2009 by Amy loves Bud

[jujsky]

My kids are close in age, so I've gotten that a lot (most people who don't know my situation assume dd was an "oops"). DS was adopted, and we found out during the process that I was expecting DD. I usually beat people to the question ;) I can see the wheels turning when they ask how far apart they are, and I tell them that they're 13 months apart. I usually jump in with a laugh and a, "We didn't exactly plan it that way, but...." and explain. Doesn't bother me, but I can totally see how that question would offend other people depending on the situation and the way it was asked.

[mommaduck]

I think this is a terrible, rude, thoughtless question. However, I realize that most folks are kind of thoughtless to begin with so I assume they're harmless. :lol:

I was asked this many, many time with #3. My MIL told me to get an abortion that no one needs more than 2 kids. I am still smarting from her forceful opinion sharing. Plus, my DD was born with a benign tumor on her face and is mildly disfigured. MIL said, "I hope you're happy now" after baby was born. I miscarried #4 one year ago and people thoughtlessly tried to comfort me with , "You already have 3. Maybe something was wrong with this one too." Nothing could have made me feel worse.

I love the pp's remark that all pregnancies are planned by God.

 

Michele

I was in labour with our 6th child, a stillborn, when I received a phone call to my hospital room. It was hubby's grandmother who told me that "Gd knows how many you can afford". Yep, that was her "words of comfort". I told the nurses to not send through anymore phone calls.

[myfunnybunch]

Other. Depended on the context.

 

Good friend, matter-of-fact tone, part of a discussion of pregnancies in general....no problem.

 

Strangers (or nearly so), dismay or shock, out of the blue? Not so happy.

 

Cat

[Osmosis Mom]

I was afraid that people would think Miss Bossy was unplanned, so I started telling people a year before we started trying, "You know, we are talking about having a new baby."

 

Finally one girlfriend said, "You better quit talking and get busy!" Unfortunately, I ended up having 2 miscarriages first, so by the time I got pregnant with her, all of my friends knew that she was definitely planned and desperately wanted.

 

My dad is the only person who asked if we had been trying for this last baby. I said that we both knew we wanted another, but we were not taking temperature, and actively trying to conceive, because that is just so stressful.

 

If a stranger asked me, I'd probably roll my eyes and walk away without answering, so yes, I think it is pretty rude.

 

:grouphug:

 

People have definitely asked me this in seriousness with out #7. As if you don't know how to get preggo if you got twins.....Hehe. I was looking forward to #8 so we could quelch the stigma once and for all. Yes, all our kids were wanted and looked forward to.

[Audrey]

My general opinion on pregnancy is that it's not okay to ask any questions about it. If someone wants to offer you info about planned/unplanned; what sex/number they're hoping for/not hoping for; what name they want to use... anything really... then they will usually tell you.

 

The only questions I'll ever ask is "how are you feeling?" and "can I help you carry that?"

 

I won't even ask when someone is due, because I once asked that to someone whom I was TOLD was pregnant, but who in fact was not pregnant. I was completely mortified. I learned right there and then.... do not ask!

 

In fact, I do not ask people personal questions as a rule. This would, indeed, be a personal question.

Edited December 5, 2009 by Audrey

[Amy loves Bud]

My general opinion on pregnancy is that it's not okay to ask any questions about it. If someone wants to offer you info about planned/unplanned; what sex/number they're hoping for/not hoping for; what name they want to use... anything really... then they will usually tell you.

 

The only questions I'll ever ask is "how are you feeling?" and "can I help you carry that?"

 

I won't even ask when someone is due, because I once asked that to someone whom I was TOLD was pregnant, but who in fact was not pregnant. I was completely mortified. I learned right there and then.... do not ask!

 

In fact, I do not ask people personal questions as a rule. This would, indeed, be a personal question.

 

 

I agree with you on all of this, and don't ask those sorts of questions of anyone. However, it just doesn't bug me to be asked.

[Crimson Wife]

I didn't mind the question from certain people I knew well but felt it was rude coming from most askers.

 

I also get annoyed by people asking when we're having the next one. Yes, we're Catholic and yes, we hope God blesses us with more some day. But really I don't feel like discussing something that personal with others. :glare:

[HRAAB]

I find it rude. When I was pregnant with our twins, I had many people making comments like 'bet that wasn't planned' or 'got an oops'. Even clerks in the grocery, believe it or not. Not only was that rude, it's hurtful. None of my children were mistakes or oops, thank you very much.

[Karen in CO]

There is a 10 year gap between my first and second children. I've been asked if I planned them to be that far apart and even had strangers suggest that I shouldn't have waited so long between them.

 

I have also received lots of questions each time I was pregnant about whether they were planned. My response varies between "Goodness, all kids are wonderfully surprising aren't they?" to "Why would do ask?." I don't think I ever start with a straight answer to questions that are too personal. When people asked me if I knew if it was a girl or a boy, I'd always answer with "I really hope so". The do you know what you're having question gets my "I'm hoping for human" answer. I just love it when people ask questions. :D

[Rosy]

Another vote for rude. I'm sensitive to it, have my first baby 11 mo. after the wedding and the other three at 18 mo. intervals.

 

No one really asked straight out if any particular pregnancy was planned (except medical professionals), but a lot of people have asked over the years if we intended to have our kids so close in age. For some reason that doesn't bother me as much.

[IsabelC]

I feel it is a bit rude for any old person to ask this. I wouldn't mind if it were a close friend, but then a close friend would have known whether we were 'planning' or not and so wouldn't need to ask. I have also heard that medical professionals often ask the question (because statistically, women with unplanned pregnancies are more likely to experience problems and lack of support) and I think this is acceptable provided that they ask in a respectful manner.

Edited December 5, 2009 by Hotdrink

[mommaduck]

I didn't mind the question from certain people I knew well but felt it was rude coming from most askers.

 

I also get annoyed by people asking when we're having the next one. Yes, we're Catholic and yes, we hope God blesses us with more some day. But really I don't feel like discussing something that personal with others. :glare:

Or how about those that ask, "Are you Mormon, Catholic, or something?" Like all LDS and Catholics have large families and all others don't.

[Sara R]

What if the answer is "no," and what if word gets back to the child at some point? The question is rude.

[LibraryLover]

I have 4 children, and nobody has ever asked that question! What sort of person would ask such a thing? I know I've never asked a such a thing.

[momtoboys]

I answered other, because in my opinion, it depends who is asking!

[Annie]

Yes, I think it's incredibly rude. I like to hope that people just don't stop to think how personal that question really. I can't imagine anyone thinking it through and deciding that it really is an appropriate thing to ask.

 

I was asked by an old friend, and it really threw me for a loop. I answered truthfully out of surprise and a desire not to be rude to someone I care about, but I'm pretty sure that anyone else who asks that question will receive the, "why do you ask?" response.

[mycalling]

I picked other. I'd have to take into account the tact of the other person. I am much more kind in responding to those with foot-in-mouth disease.

[SonshineLearner]

I'd probably wanna add... "Wanna know what pregnancy control (bc) to avoid??" :-)

 

Carrie

[kalanamak]

I said no, but I have some people I wouldn't mind the question from at all. People I trust and who are "fact oriented".

[patchfire]

Everyone assumed that my first was unplanned, due to our age and the fact that we were newly married. People that met me after she was born have continued to assume dh & I only got married because I was pregnant. No one ever asks, though, they just assume.

 

Dd2, being the third child, has been the object of scrutiny, I know. One woman actually said something to me about "how hard it must be adjusting, since she wasn't planned." Uhh... the look on my face must have given me away, since after a moment she followed up with, "I mean, she wasn't, was she?"

 

I admit, as tempted as I was to say "none of your business!" I instead took the time to burst her bubble that people with two kids were automatically "done."

[Aubrey]

I got that and this (if you can believe it):

 

"Wow, your kids all look so different from each other. Do they have the same father?"

 

:001_huh: Really? That's an appropriate question to ask a perfect stranger?!:glare:

 

LOL--I get this one a lot, too. Partly because I have 4, partly because one's a red-head, one has eyes so blue they're almost purple w/ light brown hair, the next one has thick, almost black hair that ends in little ringlets, & the last one is a huge blonde baby. They don't look related to *me* most days...otoh, the people who don't ask about their father/if I'm running a daycare ask if the red head & the blue-eyed girl are twins. I think it's because they walk thr the store holding hands & enrapt in their own imaginary world. :001_smile:

[Aubrey]

Everyone assumed that my first was unplanned, due to our age and the fact that we were newly married. People that met me after she was born have continued to assume dh & I only got married because I was pregnant. No one ever asks, though, they just assume.

 

Dh & I were in college when we had our 1st, & we didn't quit, we just took him w/ us. People were obviously puzzled, & strangers referred to dh as my boyfriend. :001_huh:

 

"Um...he's my husband" doesn't quite cover the rest of it: "and he has been for...long enough!" (It had been almost 2yrs.)

[Sara Mac]

The do you know what you're having question gets my "I'm hoping for human" answer. I just love it when people ask questions. :D

 

:lol: My answer was always "Ummm, I'm guessing a baby"

[CactusPair]

I don't like it, especially when it comes from the baby's grandparent.

 

I think the question is inappropriate.

[Dawn in OH]

I think it's pretty rude, maybe because I've been asked quite a few times. I wouldn't ask anyone that.

 

I look younger than I am, and have for many years. When I was pregnant with our first child, who was planned, I overheard a lot of rude comments in stores from older people about my pregnancy. Whispers of "so young, not married". I was 27 and at some point stopped wearing my rings because my hands were too swollen. One time I got so angry I that I whipped out my drivers license and introduced my husband to the two gossiping hens behind us.

[Aubrey]

I think it's pretty rude, maybe because I've been asked quite a few times. I wouldn't ask anyone that.

 

I look younger than I am, and have for many years. When I was pregnant with our first child, who was planned, I overheard a lot of rude comments in stores from older people about my pregnancy. Whispers of "so young, not married". I was 27 and at some point stopped wearing my rings because my hands were too swollen. One time I got so angry I that I whipped out my drivers license and introduced my husband to the two gossiping hens behind us.

 

Oh, please tell me what they said--I need to live vicariously thr you. I didn't have the guts to confront the hens who were too deaf to realize I could hear them lamenting the fact that I was "already pg again." Ds was 2 days old. Maybe 3. I really wanted to tell them that, yep, I had 2 uteruses & was expecting the other one in about 4mos. :glare:

 

Instead, I went home & cried. Mom was supposed to come stay w/ me, but instead insisted on galavanting around the planet, & I had to choose between going w/ her & staying home alone. Dh was working, & I was feeling pretty hormonal, so I went. Tried to nurse discreetly, ended up sitting in the floor of the Luby's bathroom stall, in tears (again), & giving my new baby a bottle b'cs Mom didn't want to keep waiting. Argh.

[LunaLee]

I think it's rude.

 

But not as rude as the question, "Oh, do they have the same dad?"

[Emmy]

I do not mind subtle phrasings of that question - like say...."wow, your boys are so close together, did you always like the idea of kids close in age?" or similar, because it at least leads me to believe the person asking has an interest in me. Out and out - wow, was that planned - bothers me a bit.

 

That being said....my dh and I are 38 and 40 this year. We have been telling everyone we know we were "done" after our 4th son was born 3 years ago. So....when I announced in July that I was pregnant with twins I pretty much expected to get questioned by everyone if it was planned. It didn't bother me at all because we had been so outspoken previously about being done. Still, I think it's a question that's mainly ok coming from good friends. I don't love it when the cashier at the grocery store or the tech taking my blood at the lab asks if my children were planned and I like it even less when she follows up with asking if I'm Catholic. That just seems a bit intrusive and rude. And somewhat offensive to the Catholics out there too!

[AudreyTN]

I voted no, but I there are a couple of people that I wouldn't consider it rude.

[Quad Shot Academy]

I got that and this (if you can believe it):

 

"Wow, your kids all look so different from each other. Do they have the same father?"

 

:001_huh: Really? That's an appropriate question to ask a perfect stranger?!:glare:

 

My husband is asked if he is the father of our children all the time! Even at restaurants, by the wait staff, right in front of our children! All of our kids are blond and he has very dark hair.

 

I was frequently asked if mine were planned and I thought it was rude because what if one wasn't planned, would I want the whole world to know that and possibly tell them when they were older? My husband was very hurt when he found out he wasn't planned and he was an adult!

[AnitaMcC]

I voted Other.

 

If it is someone who I was close to... then no problem. Although I don't know any of my friends who would ask such personal question. Our good friends know our "story".

 

But a stranger asking... it is definitely rude IMO.

 

I also got the "Are your twins natural?" question from strangers. Um, they are babies so of course they are natural. Some people ask if twins run in my family. Often people were trying to ask if we had medical help in conceiving. That drove me bonkers as it really wasn't any of their business. At the same time it doesn't bother me to tell people that my twins are from us having IVF. But someone asking us outright... just is rude and nosy.

 

Oh and the comments of "Twins... oh how wonderful and you got one of each so you got your complete family".

 

And then of course we would get the "Did you plan...?" about our youngest two sons. Our answer is usually "Yes of course we wanted them". Then we even go into the story of how we wanted our 3rd baby so much that we were going to go through IVF again but found out we didn't need to... found out we were pregnant a week before doctor appt. Then our youngest was born two years after 3rd child on the twins 6th bday. So people are usually just "awed" by that.