Spinoff Again: Was your home abusive?

[momtoboys]

I mean, as in abusive in a way that is nonquestionable:

 

1. Physical Violence: Punishment that left severe bruising, punishment for no known reason, choking, hitting, etc. ..

 

2. Neglect

 

3. Emotional/Verbal Abuse: again, non-questionable things like being constantly told you were stupid or dumb, or being threatened, or being told someone you loved was going to kill themselves or you, etc. . .

 

4. Sexual Abuse

 

I'm curious as to the statistics.

[Tree House Academy]

Yes, verbal/emotional and physical. Never sexual.

[Renee in NC]

Yes. I had a stepmother who beat me with a belt on a regular basis, leaving welts and bruises from the middle of my back to the back of my knees almost all the time. Other times she did things such as slap me, threw a drawer at me (because it had sand in it), and other nonsense. Not only that, but she took her anger at my father for working all the time out on me. I celebrated when he told me they were getting a divorce (I was 12.)

 

HOWEVER, I have long since forgiven her and now have a friendly relationship with her. Her extended family still treats me as family. She is the mother of my only brother and I consider her 15yo daughter (not any relation at all really) my sister. She's even my friend on Facebook!:D

[missmoe]

Yes, all of the above. Though I don't think most would think neglect, but I feel that an adult who doesn't stop abuse that is going on is guilty of neglect.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

Early on in my life I would say yes it was a little bit of everything--briefly. But, I had an awesome mom who made tough choices and got us out of there. The rest of my childhood was beyond amazing. I had (still have) a wonderful dad who loved me so much, it's crazy, a mom who supported me and is still one of my best friends, and brothers I had a lot of fun with! But, it really was rough for a few years.

[StaceyinLA]

I only had one spanking that I can recall, and that was when I was about 5 years old and had gone several doors down to the neighbors without telling anyone. I think my dad swatted me 3 or 4 times with his hand.

 

Once, when I was 16, my mom slapped me in the face for being smart-alek. I totally deserved it. My mom was the most calm, patient person. I know I must've really pushed her buttons that day. She called me a smart-alek ****-a**, and she NEVER cursed!

[MommyJo]

Yes my mother was very verbally and physically abusive and still is to this day. I cannot even have my children around her because she has her good times but frequently has these strange mental outbursts. I remember being called names like sl*t, wh*r*, b*tch from the time I was maybe 4 or 5 years old all the way until now. She would also fist fight my sister and I to the point we had to learn to defend ourselves from her or she would literally beat us up. It is hard being a young girl and having to literally fight your mother who you want to love so bad. I do not think it is that she is a bad person but she does have severe mental problems that she has always refused to get help for. She tried to be a good mom but her bad side made me really resent her. She has even called my children names and has told me recently she has always hated me because I was born. I do not have a doubt in my mind that she does.

 

My dad was never really abusive in any way, he stayed with her for 20 years so that we wouldnt be left with her alone. Finally, when I was 15 he couldnt take anymore. I love my dad too death for the sacrifices he made to help us to have as normal of a life as possible. Unfortunately, my mother ruined a lot of that. In our home, we were the perfect family to the outside world (we had a gorgeous home, my dad made great money, my mom even volunteered at my school a lot, etc.) but behind closed doors we were as dysfunctional as could be. My dad occasionally gave us a belt swat but nothing that I did not deserve. He made me write sentences (like 800, which took a few days!) and took things away most of the time. I had always just wished that I had a normal mother who helped her daughter learn about makeup and went shopping but I have just had to realize, thats not my mom and never will be. I am lucky to have a really great stepmom though!

[SilverMoon]

Yes to all of the above, but I didn't have a standard issue childhood. (The really short version: removed from bio-mother at 2yo, played musical foster homes, adopted by grandparents by 11yo, on my own by sixteen.)

[Annie Laurie]

No abuse at all. I can remember being spanked with a hand once and feeling very angry and indignant about it, but that was mostly because I was wrongly accused and it made me so mad that my dad didn't ask me first but just assumed I was guilty of the offense. So I think that bothered me more than the spanking. My dad really regrets that day because I was only around 6 at the time but remember it to this day and tease him about it regularly! My younger brother was spanked several times as a child and is a well adjusted adult nowadays. Neither of us would consider ourselves abused though I choose not to spank my own kids.

[Dawn in OH]

I'm tempted to say that I was emotionally/verbally abused, but part of me wonders if I remember correctly or did I imagine the whole thing due to being an unhappy, slightly selfish, disgruntled child with low blood sugar issues (that weren't known/understood at the time).

 

I see how my step-dad is now with my Mom when we visit, and he still can be with my brother and I, and even comments he's made to my son, and it very much does border on (or maybe even cross the line on) emotionally and verbally abusive.

[swellmomma]

I don't know honestly. It is weird to say that. I always thought my mom was mean/hurtful, but never thought of it as abuse until others (mainly online) pointed out that the things my mom said/says was/is abusive. We were not physically (though we were spanked) or sexually abused. I don't think we were neglected for the times (meaning if a child today had to take on as much as I did back then it would be seen differently) we were well fed, clothed(though that is a bone of contention), warm home etc. It is the emotional/verbal stuff that I am unsure about. Called names and cussed at? yes, once I was a teen. Made to feel like crap regularily for not being good enough? pretty much everyday. Felt favorites were played? most definitely. Yelled at pretty much everyday? yup, and it is something I struggle with now. Mom still cuts me down every chance she gets (but apparently praises me to others including my siblings). I just always assumed she had a short fuse, and was a raving b*tch, but never thought of it as abusive until hearing it from others.

[Pajama Mama]

Both of my parents were abused as children and clearly were not healed. My dad threw me across the room when I was 2. I don't remember it but I was always instinctively afraid of him. He never hit me again but he could be mean alot of the time. I remember waking up on my 16th bday with a smile and he said meanly: "What are you so happy about?" Um, apparently nothing. Both parents really didn't talk to me or do much with me and my brother. I didn't have a happy childhood but I got off easy compared to others I know.

[babysparkler]

Physical, Verbal/Emotional, and Negect... never sexual.

[kalanamak]

At the time I wished I was bigger than my brothers, but I got over it. :)

 

My first memory is sitting on my mother's lap while she was eating a Waldorf salad. I think I was 3. Every time a piece of greens or celery was on her fork, it would arc up over my head and into her mouth. Every time it was a raisin or a piece of apple, the fork would arc up and at the last moment curve down to my mouth. We said nothing, it was just our game. My brothers and father were around the table chowing down and I looked out at them between bites. This sums up my childhood.

[akmommy]

I voted no, but after thinking more about it I do believe there was verbal abuse. After my parents separated they both would say hurtful things to me about the other or call the other awful names. As a child this made me feel terrible and I do believe it to be abusive.

[jenL]

Yes, verbal/emotional and physical. Never sexual.

 

This is my childhood as well.

[dancer67]

Yes. Neglect, Physical and Emotional.

 

First, I had an alcoholic father, and my mother was mentally ill. My father would use his belt, then lock me in a closet. My mother would hold me down and allow my brother to beat the living daylights out of me.Just because.

 

We would go days without food as my father would not give my mother any money to shop and when he did, my mother didn't have a clue as to what to do with it.

 

I grew up(at around 10) and became the "mother" to them

 

My parents are still living, and to this day, I still have to be the "mother".

 

That is just the "good" things. I cannot even get to the bad things because they are to painful to even bring up.

[BigMamaBird]

I answered No.

 

I grew up in a spanking home and though I didn't care for it, I would never consider what my parents did abuse.

[Daisy]

I answered the poll, and that's where I'm going to leave it.

Edited October 31, 2009 by Daisy

[caitlinsmom]

My parents are/were alcoholics and drug users among many other colorful things so we definatly saw our fair share. Although most of it fell on the shoulders of my brother1 who commited suicide 2 years ago. My dad nearly strangled him to death when he was 4ish after the death of my other brother2. My dad blamed my brother1 for some reason or another. Ironically when they did the autopsy there were drugs present in my brother2 body.

[Joy at Home]

I was beaten throughout my childhood by my mother, who herself came from a terribly abusive, alcoholic household. She did the best she knew. I was determined to break the cycle and spent years in therapy before having children. I will never harm my children physically, in any way. I have no problem with other parents spanking, but for me it crosses a line.

 

It is amazing how much I am healed through being a mother to my dear children.

 

Blessings,

Lisa

[LizzyBee]

And everyone wondered why I got on a plane and flew 3,000 miles away to college. They just couldn't understand why I would go so far away. :glare:

 

My school had an early graduation program. I graduated a year early to get away from my mother.

[Pretty in Pink]

My father verbally/emotionally abused my mother, my siblings, and me on a very regular basis. We were constantly cursed at and told we were ugly, stupid, fat, etc., we were shouted out for the most minor infractions, we were isolated from our peers, etc. This began during my preteen years.

 

My father began physicallyand sexually abusing my mother when I was 8 or 9. By the time they divorced eleven years later, the abuse had escalated to the point that he was slapping, grabbing, and choking her on a weekly basis. She would wear turtlenecks to hide the bruises on her neck.

 

My father physically abused my brother from a young age, spanking him severely with a leather belt when he was just two or three because he wouldn't finish his supper one night. By the time my brother was twelve or so my father was beating him like a man. The last time my father attacked my brother was a few years ago, he was maybe 22 or 23 at the time. My brother finally fought back.

 

My father only physically abused me a handful of times, when I was sixteen and seventeen. He would corner me and put his hands on my throat, forcing me to stare into his eyes as he shouted obseneties.

 

My mother physically abused my brother from the time he was twelve or so, taking her frustrations against my father out on her son. She would slap his face, verbally abuse him, and tell him over and over that he was just like our father. She also physically abused my sister on one occassion, when she was 8 or 9, by burning her with a lit cigarette.

 

My mother verbally and emotionally abused all three of us as well.

 

My parents were both raging alcoholics.

[zaichiki]

There's an awful lot of abuse in these posts and on this poll. Is this frequency typical??? Or is it just us homeschoolers?

[mama2cntrykids]

I voted that I was not abused. I may have been slightly neglected though. I always had enough food, clothes, shelter but not enough attention from my mother. I was ignore a lot and felt very lonely many, many times growing up.

[BridgeTea]

:grouphug: My heart goes out to all who were abused. I just want to say I admire you for the active parenting role you have chosen by taking on the role of educator on top of everything else the job entails. Wow. You guys rock!

[katemary63]

As I posted on another thread just today, I was sexually abused by my biological father from age 2 to age 16 as were my sister AND my brother. My mother was the enabler of the century. My father was a classic NPD. There was also spiritual and emotional abuse.

 

The stories on here are very hard to read. I am so sorry for all of *us*. I am so grateful that I have found healing for my broken heart in the form of my heavenly creator who is both my Father AND my Mother, meeting ALL my needs perfectly as only He can. He has filled the emptyness inside my soul, healed my pain, and raised me up to be a good wife and mother inspite of what my own parents modeled for me, teaching me patiently as a loving father would. To Him be all the Glory forever and ever amen!

[Joanne]

{{{many tender hugs}}} on all the pain in this thread and what the stories represent.

 

I was not abused. A lot of unskilled parenting and some neglect and dysfunction, but I don't think any of it rises to the level of abuse.

[macdaddi]

My father physically abused my mom & brother from my earliest memories. He chased us out of the house several times so we had to sleep in my mom's office. Then, she took him back and forgave him the very next day...every single time. :glare:

 

My mother took her anger out on me verbally and became so self-absorbed that she completely neglected me from my preteen years on.

Now, she's a total basket case.

 

My older brother has been a meth addict for over 20 years and has absolutely no contact with my father, who has since divorced my mom and remarried.

[Heidi @ Mt Hope]

The stories shared are breaking my heart. I am so proud of you all for giving your children the childhoods you were denied!!

 

I had the *ideal* childhood. My husband had a very rough childhood, which he almost never talks about.

[KidsHappen]

There's an awful lot of abuse in these posts and on this poll. Is this frequency typical??? Or is it just us homeschoolers?

 

I was in a women's studies class in college that consisted of 30 people including a few males plus two teachers. I was the only one that was not abused.:001_huh:

[kalanamak]

 

It is amazing how much I am healed through being a mother to my dear children.

 

 

I have seen this, and wish I saw it more.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Not by my parents. Families aren't the only abusers in a neighborhood.

[joannqn]

My father was an alcoholic, used drugs, and cross dressed. He was verbally abusive to my mother. I witnessed him sitting on her trying to shove a rolled up magazine down her throat. Occasionally, there were mysterious head shaped dents in the walls. I listened to them scream late into the night. Most birthdays and Christmases and my graduation were ruined because of him. He spanked and spanked long and hard. At times, he used a belt. He'd leave hand or belt shaped welts on my legs and bottom. When I was grounded it was anywhere from a week to 3 months. I spent two consecutive summers in my room. Though I was in a gifted program and always got nearly all A's in school, he'd point out the one B or the comment on an A grade that said I wasn't performing to my potential. I was very good at drawing but he told me I wasn't drawing, just copying. I eventually gave up drawing altogether because I couldn't get his voice out of my head. Nothing I did was every good enough. He told me I was a slut once; I was 11 or 12 and being sexually abused by a neighbor so I believed him. He accused me of drug seeking when I was suffering migraines in high school. I left home one night after we got into a physical altercation that could have resulted in someone dying.

 

My mom used drugs as well. She was ok until I graduated. We got into a fight one day and she punched me in the face, telling me I had been a spoiled brat my whole life. She produced 4 canceled checks for school expenses to prove it. She was sleeping with my dad's friend and often needed me to call her boss to explain she was on her way, but late. The night of that physical altercation with my dad, she told me I deserved everything I got.

 

From the age of 6 to 11, I was being sexually abused by a neighbor. He babysat me every Tuesday and Thursday while my parents bowled and any other time they need a babysitter. He babysat for "free". He ruled the rest of my life too. We often had s*x before he walked me to elementary school, every time he babysat, and other various times throughout the week. He made me bring other neighborhood girls to him to abuse, and take photos of them together (no faces). Somewhere out there, there are photos of my body under his as well.

 

I suffered severe depression and rage for a LONG time. I nearly killed myself to save my kids from me. I also nearly lost my kids to CPS; my counselor almost called but decided that I was moving in the right direction. I'm thankful she didn't call because I was getting better. My husband almost divorced me due to the depression and rage also. I finally got past it about 4 years ago with the help of antidepressants and a 12 step group called Adult Children Anonymous. I've been off meds for a couple of years now. I still go to meetings every Monday night and retreats twice a year. Some of the members are my best friends.

[joannqn]

There's an awful lot of abuse in these posts and on this poll. Is this frequency typical??? Or is it just us homeschoolers?

 

 

I think that some, the ones that work hard at ending the cycle, may react to their childhood by homeschooling. I know that my past...both the abuse and my public school experience, both factor into the fact that I am now a homeschooler.

[Lovedtodeath]

JoAnn:grouphug:

[Miss Sherry]

I think that some, the ones that work hard at ending the cycle, may react to their childhood by homeschooling. I know that my past...both the abuse and my public school experience, both factor into the fact that I am now a homeschooler.

It has never occurred to me that someone would react to childhood neglect or abuse by homeschooling. But I think you may be onto something. I was alone a lot when I was a child and it does bother me even to drive by a school yard and see all of the children playing without adult supervision.In my mind 1 adult for 30 or more children is NOT adult supervision. A lot happens that no adult is aware of at public schools. Also, I felt especially when my children were young, that it would be emotionally neglectful to send my children away to school where there would be 1 adult for an entire class of children. Little children, especially pre-school to about 2nd grade, should not just be interacting with other children most of the day. I strongly believe they are emotionally neglected in that type of setting. Any particular child may get 5 or so minutes of actual interaction with a teacher on a school day. They may not get any interaction on a given day. But we don't see Child Services removing children from public school for neglect.

[inactive]

I was not abused in any way, shape or form by my parents.

 

However, my husband suffered emotional abuse and neglect as a young child. He was left alone at the age of 8 to get himself up, ready for school, and out the door for the bus. Then, he came home to an empty house in the afternoon -- and was expected to entertain himself until his mother got home from work. During the summer break, he was left alone ALL DAY!!

 

He tells me that he was expected to stay out of her way most of the time...unless she needed him for something.

 

When his mother remarried, his step-father didn't like him and was not a friendly guy. They would go out to eat and leave my husband home...not even invite him to go!!

 

I am SO blessed that the LORD got a hold of my husband's heart during his college years and he is a wonderful GODLY husband and father. He is very determined not to repeat the cycle.

[Pretty in Pink]

Joann,

 

I think you might be on to something there. I think my childhood does factor in my decision to homeschool, at least to some extent. It's not a driving motivation, but I have kind of gone out of my way to do pretty much everything differently than my parents did. I just want my sons to look back on their childhoods with fondness, to know that they were loved deeply, to tell my grandchildren that I was a 'great mom.'

 

(((HUGS))) to all who have been open about their abuse here, and to those who have remained silent.

[PineFarmMom]

I guess from some of the completely messed-up ideas of what abuse actually is, some would say yes. I was spanked a few times, on the bottom...twice with a belt <gasp>, but no, I wasn't abused. My dad was snippy sometimes, but I'd say that is about as bad as it got. I had a pretty awesome, fun childhood with parents who loved me and did all they could for me.

 

I hurt for those of you who were. I'm sorry. :grouphug::( Dh had to deal with the abuse by step-fathers of his mother, but he wasn't abused.

Edited October 31, 2009 by Texas T

[zaichiki]

I was not abused. A lot of unskilled parenting and some neglect and dysfunction, but I don't think any of it rises to the level of abuse.

 

Same here: the neglect and dysfunction came from diagnosed mental illness over two generations. No abuse, Thank God. I had no idea it was so prevalent.

Edited October 31, 2009 by zaichiki

[MamaT]

I was abused in all the ways you listed, except sexually. My mother is mentally ill and was not on medication when I was a child. She told me repeatedly that I was an "accident" and she was through having kids after my sisters (who were 9 and 12 years older than I am).

 

She once pulled me out of bed at 11:00 p.m. from a sound sleep when she came in from work (she worked from 2-11 every day so she wouldn't have to deal with me), and beat me with a belt for leaving the discloth in the sink after I washed the dinner dishes. :confused: That was typical. I never knew what was coming. To this day I still never ever leave a dishcloth lying in the sink.

 

My oldest sister really acted as mother to me until she got married and moved away when I was 12. She is still my best friend. After then I was pretty much on my own. I tried as much as I could to stay away from home and got into lots of trouble.

 

My dad was a very passive sweet person who loved me very much. He tried to make up for my mother by buying me anything I wanted. I only realized as an adult how much at fault he was for not putting a stop to her abuse.

[momtoboys]

currently around 57% were not abused. . .that does seem like a low percentage of people who were not abused!

[Kelli in TN]

It depends on which home. I was passed around a bit as a kid. I've been through some stuff, well a little of all that stuff you listed. Even the last one, there were two times in my life when I lived in abuse free environments.

 

God heals and restores.

 

 

 

You know, I think sexual abuse is the hardest to overcome. I can't imagine how anyone overcomes it without therapy. Even with therapy, it can take years.

[Desert Rat]

I'm amazed and impressed by the amount of abused children here who grew up to break the cycle! You guys are awesome! My parents were both severely abused, had me super early and decided that if they did nothing else they would at least break the cycle of abuse. The succeeded! But that is so rare! Big hugs to all the hurts and you all should be so proud of yourselves for all you have achieved! Thank you!

[Caribbean Queen]

At the time I wished I was bigger than my brothers, but I got over it. :)

 

My first memory is sitting on my mother's lap while she was eating a Waldorf salad. I think I was 3. Every time a piece of greens or celery was on her fork, it would arc up over my head and into her mouth. Every time it was a raisin or a piece of apple, the fork would arc up and at the last moment curve down to my mouth. We said nothing, it was just our game. My brothers and father were around the table chowing down and I looked out at them between bites. This sums up my childhood.

 

I don't know if this is a happy memory or not.

 

 

.

[pqr]

I am not going to make any friends with this post but.....

 

I simply do not believe the statistics.

 

There is no way that 42% of the members of this board were abused. I do not argue with some of the posts and what was described in them was abuse, but in today's world it is almost "chic" to claim some form of abuse. We, as a people, have bought into the victimisation complex to such a degree that we almost need to find some hurt that explains the difficulty we have in life.

 

The problem is that the pain suffered by those who truly were abused is lessened when everybody has a story of abuse. It cheapens the horror of genuine abuse and dilutes the sympathy we should have.

 

Of all the close friends that I have, of those in my family, to include cousins etc, of those in my wife's family to include cousins etc, amongst those with who I roomed for 4 years at college only one (two if I loosen the definition) was abused. Either I am the luckiest person in the world or those numbers are wrong.

 

To clarify I do not deny that abuse happens, and happens far far to frequently, but I can not accept 42% on this board.

 

A counterpoint, as I think about this, is that only those who were abused would have read the thread and thereby skewed the results, but I am not too sure on that one.

Edited October 31, 2009 by pqr

[Renee in NC]

I am not going to make any friends with this post but.....

 

I simply do not believe the statistics.

 

There is no way that 42% of the members of this board were abused. I do not argue with some of the posts and what was described in them was abuse, but in today's world it is almost "chic" to claim some form of abuse. We, as a people, have bought into the victimisation complex to such a degree that we almost need to find some hurt that explains the difficulty we have in life.

 

The problem is that the pain suffered by those who truly were abused is lessened when everybody has a story of abuse. It cheapens the horror of genuine abuse and dilutes the sympathy we should have.

 

Of all the close friends that I have, of those in my family, to include cousins etc, of those in my wife's family to include cousins etc, amongst those with who I roomed for 4 years at college only one (two if I loosen the definition) was abused. Either I am the luckiest person in the world or those numbers are wrong.

 

To clarify I do not deny that abuse happens, and happens far far to frequently, but I can not accept 42% on this board.

 

You are assuming that the 217 people who answered are representative of the entire board. Self-selecting surveys are notoriously invalid for statistical purposes.

 

Having said that - my (ex) stepmother does not think what she did was abuse. Her mother not only beat her with a belt on a regular basis, but even did it in full view of her classmates one time due to a school infraction. Would what she did be considered abuse today? Without a doubt. Would I be jailed if I beat my children with a belt on a regular basis leaving welts and bruises? Absolutely. Would she have been jailed if someone had known? Maybe - depending on the geographical location and age of person who knew.

 

Abuse is somewhat subjective - what is abuse to one is normal to another, especially if they are trapped *in* the dysfunctional family.

[Miss Sherry]

I am not going to make any friends with this post but.....

 

I simply do not believe the statistics.

 

There is no way that 42% of the members of this board were abused. I do not argue with some of the posts and what was described in them was abuse, but in today's world it is almost "chic" to claim some form of abuse. We, as a people, have bought into the victimisation complex to such a degree that we almost need to find some hurt that explains the difficulty we have in life.

 

The problem is that the pain suffered by those who truly were abused is lessened when everybody has a story of abuse. It cheapens the horror of genuine abuse and dilutes the sympathy we should have.

 

Of all the close friends that I have, of those in my family, to include cousins etc, of those in my wife's family to include cousins etc, amongst those with who I roomed for 4 years at college only one (two if I loosen the definition) was abused. Either I am the luckiest person in the world or those numbers are wrong.

 

To clarify I do not deny that abuse happens, and happens far far to frequently, but I can not accept 42% on this board.

 

I don't think anyone is asking you to accept that 42% of the people on this board have been abused. Of course the percent on the poll only represents the people that responded to the poll. It seems to me that a much higher percentage of people that have been abused than those that have not would be the one's to open this thread and take the poll.

[momtoboys]

Would you be okay with it if someone did it to your kids? (whatever that behavior may be). . . That's a good way to figure out if it's abusive, or at the very least, wrong.

 

I really don't believe someone would lie and say they were abused. . .especially in an anonymous survey. It wouldn't make sense.