Please help me evaluate some sensitive email content.

[OhM]

 

Worst part, this "big stick" came all wrapped up in Christian terms.

 

 

:iagree: Bleah, bleah, bleah.

 

And I think your impression of the situation is right on. Thank goodness the co-op leader sounds completely reasonable!

 

And you must be proud of your son! He handled it with much more grace than was shown him.

 

 

 

I was totally incapable of dicussing the subject with her and proceeded to ask her if she had eve seen a recipe for homemade marshmallows. :confused:

 

 

 

So is this a variation of "pass the bean dip"? I'll have to learn the recipe for homemade marshmallows so that I can use this.:D

 

ETA: This needs to be cross-referenced with "E-mails from crazy people" thread! This one is almost better than the two linked!

Edited October 4, 2009 by OhM

[Janet in WA]

Your son is remarkably poised and mature and wise for a 14yo. Consequently, he is in a position to deal with some leadership and interpersonal issues that most 14yo's wouldn't face until much later. I know that's tough for a mom to watch. But watch out -- there's an awseome man being forged right now.

Edited October 4, 2009 by Janet in WA

[LauraGB]

Well, that just stinks.

 

Sounds to me like your son is the most mature, forward thinking 14 year old I've encountered. I would be proud that he handled himself so well, because I'm not sure I, as an adult, would have been so controlled.

 

You know, one thing I remember from my days of working in an office is that if a new employee joins the group and is someone you really have difficulty working with, wait it out because that person will either leave or get fired eventually. I don't think this woman will last long in her position; her judgements and decisions will ultimately end her term for her. Life lesson - wait out the bad ones.

 

Kudos to your kid for handling himself well.

Edited October 4, 2009 by LauraGB

[Mom2GirlsTX]

Wow, after reading your clarification I would say this lady was way out of line. I hope she starts to show the degree of maturity that your son has showed.

[DarlaS]

Yikes. I didn't think it was that nasty but the more I re-read it...

 

She sounds like someone you don't dare turn your back on. :tongue_smilie:

[Impish]

My first impression, without reading others responses is that it was a well thought out, balanced email. The writer addressed what issues they perceived, and suggested positive ways for the recipient to fix them. I thought they addressed the 14 yo recipient as an adult, not as a child, but more as a peer in running this group.

 

Now, off to read responses.

[LizzyBee]

Next time try to thank people for their work and suggest an idea that they might think about for the next time. That way the person feels good about their work and will consider your thoughts for the future.

 

 

I think the writer failed to take her own advice. She did add a more postive tone toward the end of the email, but she started out on a harsh note. If the 14 yo was rude, she may have been right to address it, but her message might be better received if she had started out more positively. I think face-to-face discussion would have been better than email, too.

 

It sounds like maybe this was the first meeting of the group? I would probably tell my dd (or ds in your case) that Mrs. XXX was trying to be helpful and she should take her advice in that light. Then I would see how things progress. It looks like there might be a personality conflict here, but maybe this will still be a good experience for your ds. Learning to work with difficult people is a good life lesson. I would keep a close eye on the situation, though.

 

ETA: From reading the other posts, it looks like the backstory might change my mind. Off to find that post.

Edited October 4, 2009 by LizzyBee

[Impish]

Well, I guess I was off the mark :lol:

[Karenciavo]

If that email was addressed to my son I would tell him to humbly consider the advice offered and I would encourage him to contact this adult to apologize, perhaps explain if his words were misunderstood, but ultimately I would remind him of Ecclesiastes 7:5 and Proverbs 15:31-32 among others.

[Tam101]

My initial response is that the letter writer is using the same rude tone that he is accusing the student of using. Possibly the student could have worded his concerns to the teacher better, but this letter was just as rude and lacks the positive "spin" that teacher was suggesting that the student use.

[Karenciavo]

Yesterday, dh has the opportunity to read the email. His words, "In my 20+ years in corporate American, I have never seen such a nasty email. They probably exist, but not in my experience. I cannot believe this was sent from an adult to a 14 year old student. It's enough to make most kids his age just want to quit."

 

 

:001_huh: Your husband must deal with some pretty restrained people.

[LG Gone Wild]

Back story does make a difference! My initial reaction to the letter was that it was rambling and kind of mamby pamby.

 

Now that lady comes across as the usurper head mistress in Harry Potter The Order of the Phoenix. If you haven't read the book, you might want to. You'll see that IRL lady neatly described on the pages. Those type of people are frightening because they are so malevolent and cunning. It's hard to take them head on. They have a knack for making sane, reasonable people totally infuriated and powerless. They hit all the right emotional sore spots.

[Janet in WA]

 

:001_huh: Your husband must deal with some pretty restrained people.

That's what I was thinking too.

[jujsky]

If the things the letter-writer said were, in fact, true, then I think the girl in question should have been called on it. She is in a leadership position and therefore should act mature and responsible. I do think this would have been handled better had the adult had taken the student aside, or perhaps called the student on the phone and spoken to her. She deserves a chance to rebuttle and/or apologize, and a written reprimand is giving her the chance to do neither.

[Laurie4b]

This is correspondence from an unrelated adult to a 14 year old student (exclusively, no other adults or students copied on this message). I realize you probably need background to fully judge this message, but for the moment I ask you to just share your honest, first-impression reaction to the tone and content. Thanks.

(receipient's name),

 

I want to touch base with you about what happened after the Stuco meeting when you were talking to Mrs. (head of the co-op) and me. You may not have meant for this to be seen this way, but I want you to know that I was very disppointed by the way you treated me. I felt that you were very disrespectful of me as an adult and as your advisor when you were addressing the way that the meeting transpired and the apparent "lack" of an agenda. You also said that the way I had the last item on the agenda the time for "other ideas," was, "Loosy goosy." I was totally surprised at the rudeness at which you treated me. I am a teacher by trade and am still tutoring a number of students and I do not recall ever having been treated by a student this way - let alone a Christian homeschooler.

 

As a leader you are to guide people by motivation and encouragement. I felt neither of these things from you when you left. I am always open to feedback when it is given in a postive light.

 

As our Stuco President it is your duty to, "motivate the others and keep the group in a positive mood." I hope and expect that you will be able to do this for our group. The way that you shared with [another student council member's name, the sponsor/writer's daughter] today about her not writing the email properly because it did not say the word "suggestions" vs. "polls" was rudely stated as well. This was not a big deal! Next time try to thank people for their work and suggest an idea that they might think about for the next time. That way the person feels good about their work and will consider your thoughts for the future.

 

I have great expectations for you [recipient's name], and I know that you are capable of doing a great job and of being a good leader. In order to do so though, you need to be able to encourage people to see your side of the issue and to bring them along. This takes the ability of being a good listener as well.

 

The group today was talking over each other, and this is something that can be easily fixed on your and my part (if needed). I knew that everyone was excited to discuss the dance and different topics, so I did not stop it today. If I was leading the group again, this would be the first thing that I would address. Please allow them to have fun, too, [recipient's name]. They can do this and still get things accomplished as well.

 

As your Christian advisor I felt that this was my responsibility to share this with you, so that you can grow in your Christian walk and as a future leader in our society. I look forward to working with you, [receipient's name], and by being able to see the growth that you make this year.

 

Blessings,

Mrs. [new student council sponsor]

 

 

ETA: Because I am looking for initial impressions, it may be helpful to post your initial response prior to reading the other replies. Then you can post again, if you like. Thanks.

 

 

 

 

Main impression: email is not the right mode for this type of communcation. It should be done in person. That way a person can check the other's reaction, etc. It is way to easy to misread tone in email. As written, it sounds like a "dressing down" by someone who obviously took offense.

 

So now the question: they were together in person when all this transpired. Why did the adult not say something then? Why did she choose to write an email instead? Is she a conflict avoider? Was she too mad to say anything in person? I think it would be helpful to figure that out.

 

One thing for sure NOT to do is to respond via email point for point. A short email saying, " Thank you for letting me know how you were feeling, but I feel that there are some misunderstandings and think it would be better to talk in person. I'd like _____ to be with us when we work this out." is all that should be communicated. I do not think it would be a good idea for this adult to meet with the teen alone. A neutral party with some strength (ie who can intervene appropriately) should be there with them.

[staceyobu]

First impression is that it is overly rude and harsh. He's 14. If other students are talking all over each other, I wouldn't expect a 14 year old to keep everyone under control. Heck, when I've taught junior high Sunday School, I have a very hard time keeping everyone on task.

 

Now I'm off to see if there are other takes on this...

[Laurie4b]

I want to aplogize for being vague at first, I truly wanted to present this as neutrally as possible at the beginning, to get your unbiased feedback, because it is very difficult for *me* to consider it 100% objectively.

 

Time for some back story:

 

The setting is our 200+ student co-op school, with the student population about equally divided between primary (K-6) and secondary (7-12) grades.

 

The teen is my son, who is the only member of the 5-student STUCO (student council/student government) to have been involved with student council in the past, serving as an intern last year. The other 4 members are not new to the school, but new to the council this year. The council selection process was fair and brooked no controversy.

 

Sponsor is new, as of the meeting in question. She is also the mother of one of the new members of the council, a daughter who is a grade younger than my son, who is of the highest grade level represented on the council (it's a fairly young council, 4 sophomores and 1 freshman, the sponsor's daughter).

 

The council sponsor from last year is returning to work and must relinquish her involvement, but, to get the year off to its proper start, she oversaw the application and selection process. She also moderated the first gathering of the new council, and as part of that did two things. First, she announced that the "adult council" had decided to appoint my son as president of the council, since he was the only student with prior experience. I cannot tell you who comprises the adult council, I assumed it was this sponsor and the co-op head. Secondly, the council discussed what other positions were necessary and the members collectively decided who would serve in each capacity. It appeared that every council member was quite content with the agreed upon assignments. So far, so good, so everyone thought.

 

Next meeting. New sponsor in place. My son was prepared to lead the meeting according to Robert's Rules of Order, as he is accustomed to this from other student-led organizations. The only irregularity was that he had not asked anyone for agenda items, this being the first meeting, he assumed most would fall into the new business category.

 

New sponsor commences leading the meeting. Son asks her if she has an agenda to share with the members. No, she will not share her agenda. First item on her agenda: revote on all the council positions, since it was not fair that someone was appointed president and the council members did not get to vote on that. Makes big deal of tallying secret ballots, saying, "Ooooo, what a close race..." My son remains president (and is later told by 3 other members that they voted for him to remain as president). So, ds begins to realize he is not in "safe" territory with this woman.

 

Next item: the prom. Several female students have expressed that they would like to have a prom. Co-op head had, two days prior, told my son that she was sorry, the school could not be affiliated with a prom, the kids and parents could do something on their own and share the news word of mouth, but there was too much potential for division for the school to be associated, end of story. The new sponsor proceeds to lead the 3 girls of the council in a 40-minute discussion of prom details, right down to how many inches below the clavical would the girls be allowed to wear their dresses on that occasion.

 

With 10 minutes remaining, my son expresses the need to discuss the other business intended for that meeting, including the other boy student's organization of a group to attend the state TeenPact conference in March, and the scheduling of a student service project at the local food bank. These items are each receive a few minutes mention, then the topic of polling students for what clubs they want is addressed. Sponsor's daughter is in charge of that. I assume this is where the mentioned rudeness occurred. I have no doubt that by this time my son was pretty perturbed.

 

Following the meeting, my son went to the head of the co-op to express his distress, and to clarify his own role in future meetings. New sponsor came over and inserted herself into the conversation. I think this is actually the crux of why she thought he was being rude and disrespectful.

 

Disclaimer: I was not there. I have, however, carefully questioned my son and the co-op head about the situation, trying to accurately envision the situation. The minutes of the meeting, sent out the next day by the STUCO secretary with zero input from anyone else, fully represent the course of the meeting as described by my son.

 

On the drive home, ds expressed his frustration, then went on to say that he felt like a failure at his attempts to be humble before others (a spiritual issue which he has, individually and apart fom his parents, been convicted of by the LORD). He was really struggling with emotions, whether his feelings were righteous, etc, and I could tell he felt very betrayed by this sponsor who - as it appeared to my son and others who shared with him afterwards - had designs of elevating her own daughter to the position of council president (as my son said, "Watch it, Mom, that's an easy accusation to make." He was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt on that one, I am not so sure I could...). Anyway, we decided that I would call the co-op sponsor the next day to see if he should plan to run the next meeting by Robert's or whether the new sponsor was going to be running the meetings this year. But the next day, before I had a chance to call...

 

Enter the big stick. He got this email. He wasn't going to tell me about it, and immediately sent her the most humble, contrite and totally respectful email that a person could muster up, let alone a 14 year old boy. I read it after the fact, and was astounded that he could be so generous of spirit. In many ways, he is a much bigger person than is his mother.

 

I forwarded both emails to the co-op head, then followed up with a phone call. She was speechless about the email, and could only say, "Ew. What are you thinking?"

 

I said I was thinking that this person was never again permitted to send emails to my child without copying me on it. My reasons: #1, If my kids are disrespectful, I want to know about it, and #2, if my child is rendered unable to do his schoolwork because he has received a techno-verbal spanking from someone professing to be his Christian mentor, I need to know about it.

 

Co-op head agreed and said son would be leading the meetings from now on, she would make sure sponsor knew the "prom" was a no-discuss-needed issue, and that all future correspondences would be copied to me.

 

DS and I had a long talk about this subject, and every possible extension of life lesson that could be learned from it. Sigh. One of parenting's very un-fun lessons. Be assured that our discussions focused on his need for right words, actions and attitudes just as much as it did on his righteous indignation and the sponsor's inappropriate words and actions.

 

Yesterday, dh has the opportunity to read the email. His words, "In my 20+ years in corporate American, I have never seen such a nasty email. They probably exist, but not in my experience. I cannot believe this was sent from an adult to a 14 year old student. It's enough to make most kids his age just want to quit."

 

Worst part, this "big stick" came all wrapped up in Christian terms.

 

Saw sponsor last night at the co-op fall bonfire. She brought up the subject, commended my son for handling himself "very professionally" yet she expressed no regret for sending the email in the first place. I was totally incapable of dicussing the subject with her and proceeded to ask her if she had eve seen a recipe for homemade marshmallows. :confused:

 

I am deeply saddened to realize that someone I once considered a friend is now someone I must consider detrimental to the emotional well being of my children.

 

Wow, that's enough. Thanks for your replies, thanks for letting me get it off my chest, it's comforting to have people to "talk" to outside the IRL circle that includes this woman.

 

I think that you and the co-op leader need to meet with the sponsor. While I thought her email was a "dressing down" the first time I read it and still do, I also think there is a misunderstanding on her part that should be cleared up. She went in apparently thinking she was running things, was not used to Robert's Rules, etc. She reacted in a know-it-all-teacher way, which is the way she might conceive of her role. However, as a Christian,I would strongly encourage you to to do for her what she didn't do for your son, which is to talk to her directly. (Matt. 18) Having the co-op leader there clears up any misunderstandings....or maybe she's revealed to be a real control freak. However, if you "once considered her a friend", I would encourage you to directly address with her why you are currently not friends, allowing for there to have been some colossal differences in expectations.

Edited October 4, 2009 by Laurie4b

[Brooketopia]

It's my opinion that no matter how nicely and politely you word something, if you send it via email it will be taken in the worst way possible. There's something about this particular format of communication that always seems to channel impatience and irritability. Reading the advisor's email with this thought in mind shows that she may have been trying to give constructive criticism--but email is never the way to pass on bad/negative anything.

 

If this same conversation had taken place verbally, I'm sure there would be a much better idea of what the intentions were because it would have been shorter and more to the point.

 

I wouldn't respond to it via email, talk it out with the actual people involved.

[Audrey]

This is correspondence from an unrelated adult to a 14 year old student (exclusively, no other adults or students copied on this message). I realize you probably need background to fully judge this message, but for the moment I ask you to just share your honest, first-impression reaction to the tone and content. Thanks.

 

(receipient's name),

 

 

 

I want to touch base with you about what happened after the Stuco meeting when you were talking to Mrs. (head of the co-op) and me. You may not have meant for this to be seen this way, but I want you to know that I was very disppointed by the way you treated me. I felt that you were very disrespectful of me as an adult and as your advisor when you were addressing the way that the meeting transpired and the apparent "lack" of an agenda. You also said that the way I had the last item on the agenda the time for "other ideas," was, "Loosy goosy." I was totally surprised at the rudeness at which you treated me. I am a teacher by trade and am still tutoring a number of students and I do not recall ever having been treated by a student this way - let alone a Christian homeschooler.

 

 

 

As a leader you are to guide people by motivation and encouragement. I felt neither of these things from you when you left. I am always open to feedback when it is given in a postive light.

 

 

 

As our Stuco President it is your duty to, "motivate the others and keep the group in a positive mood." I hope and expect that you will be able to do this for our group. The way that you shared with [another student council member's name, the sponsor/writer's daughter] today about her not writing the email properly because it did not say the word "suggestions" vs. "polls" was rudely stated as well. This was not a big deal! Next time try to thank people for their work and suggest an idea that they might think about for the next time. That way the person feels good about their work and will consider your thoughts for the future.

 

 

 

I have great expectations for you [recipient's name], and I know that you are capable of doing a great job and of being a good leader. In order to do so though, you need to be able to encourage people to see your side of the issue and to bring them along. This takes the ability of being a good listener as well.

 

 

 

The group today was talking over each other, and this is something that can be easily fixed on your and my part (if needed). I knew that everyone was excited to discuss the dance and different topics, so I did not stop it today. If I was leading the group again, this would be the first thing that I would address. Please allow them to have fun, too, [recipient's name]. They can do this and still get things accomplished as well.

 

 

 

As your Christian advisor I felt that this was my responsibility to share this with you, so that you can grow in your Christian walk and as a future leader in our society. I look forward to working with you, [receipient's name], and by being able to see the growth that you make this year.

 

 

 

Blessings,

 

Mrs. [new student council sponsor]

 

 

 

 

 

ETA: Because I am looking for initial impressions, it may be helpful to post your initial response prior to reading the other replies. Then you can post again, if you like. Thanks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don't think there's anything wrong with what is being said here (in the email), but I do think email was not the best vehicle for conveying this message to a young person. A one-to-one conversation would have been better, IMO.

[Denisemomof4]

Hmmmm....

 

I think that young people DO need to learn to address situations appropriately. If this adult just didn't like being questioned, that is an issue. However, if the teen WAS rude and disrespectful in expressing her opinions, that should be addressed.

 

:iagree:

[teamturner]

My initial reaction is that this email should have been a conversation instead. Also, the writer has a unrealistic opinion about what a 14 yo is supposed to know about leadership, dealing with others in a meeting, and how she is to properly resolve conflict w/this adult. I know that all 14 yo's are not equally mature, but to me some of the problems she sees in this 14 yo are issues that she should take the time to gently explain in a conversation rather than a harsh email.

[SnowWhite]

First impression-

 

I would have been DEVASTATED to receive anything like this from an adult mentor at age 14. I would most likely have dropped my leadership role and perhaps dropped out of the entire organization.

 

IMHO the writer needs to speak kindly to this young person, give suggestions, couched in a bit of praise, and be careful about the offended tone.

 

It's a great opportunity to teach tact and leadership skills by putting aside feelings of offense and showing love and concern.

Edited October 4, 2009 by SnowWhite

[Dayle in Guatemala]

On first impressions, if this was written to one of my dc, I would be upset. I think that this is best handled person-to-person with at least one of the parents present. I don't like it when people handle sensitive subjects with e-mail. You can't read the tone that was intended in it.

[Tree House Academy]

From the letter, it seems that the 14 year old made a comment to this student council leader lady that miffed her basically questioning her scheduling. Sounds to me like she can't take criticism and, as a parent, I would have to give her a very unChristian-like piece of my mind and repent later.

 

You wanted my "initial" response...hopefully I would think more before actually doing the above. :P

[Impish]

Ok, I gave my first impression, that this was an adult treating a teen in a leadership position as another adult.

 

Maybe I've worked with some really nasty people (I know I have actually...my boss when I was pregnant with Tazzie was well known by the Human Rights and Employment people by name) but I didn't see it being harsh.

 

Which brings me to my question. And there is no snark, no sarcasm. Seriously.

 

I took it as an adult treating a teen as a fellow peer and adult. When is it ok to do so? At 18 only? Younger?

 

I'm not being sarcastic, I just wonder where the line is.

[elegantlion]

So the behavior of her dd was not considered rude, but your ds was? After reading the backstory I'm more irritated by the e-mail.

 

You son sounds wonderful. If there are co-leaders they should have been cc'd with the e-mail. I also believe you should have been cc'd. It may sound sexist but for my own protection as an adult female I would NOT send e-mail to a 14 year old boy without cc another adult.

[elegantlion]

I took it as an adult treating a teen as a fellow peer and adult. When is it ok to do so? At 18 only? Younger?

 

I'm not being sarcastic, I just wonder where the line is.

 

I'm not sure where the line should be, but certainly older than 14, imo. If I am still required to drive my ds somewhere to participate in an activity he is still under my authority.

[SonshineLearner]

I believe that reprimanding, in person and by email, should have parents included. Other than that, if it was seriously disrespectful, I find that the admonishment looks proper. It is rather a letter of chastisement, and so if this was needed, then I would be fine with my 14 yr old receiving it. I would speak to my 14 year old, speak to the Leader, and then look to find reconciliation between them. I would also choose to sit in the next meeting or so...

Carrie

[2cents]

Yuck! That email just shouts "I'm an insecure bully". I commend you and your son for not overreacting. I don't think I would have been as nice. I suspect the sponsor is very intimidated by your son's ability and maturity. You'll have to keep close tabs on her and don't be afraid to let her know you have your radar up.

[chaik76]

I found the letter to be abrupt and condescending. I doubt that the writer would have approached and adult that way (and I would have been quite angry if the writer approached me that way). Sounds as though the writer wants to put the student in their "place" and is using this letter to do it. I wouldn't be happy about it at all.

 

ETA: This does not seem like an adult I would have much respect for...and I expect respect for adults to be earned...even by children and young adults. As the child involved, I would be quite disappointed in the adult.

[chaik76]

I want to aplogize for being vague at first, I truly wanted to present this as neutrally as possible at the beginning, to get your unbiased feedback, because it is very difficult for *me* to consider it 100% objectively.

 

Time for some back story:

 

The setting is our 200+ student co-op school, with the student population about equally divided between primary (K-6) and secondary (7-12) grades.

 

The teen is my son, who is the only member of the 5-student STUCO (student council/student government) to have been involved with student council in the past, serving as an intern last year. The other 4 members are not new to the school, but new to the council this year. The council selection process was fair and brooked no controversy.

 

Sponsor is new, as of the meeting in question. She is also the mother of one of the new members of the council, a daughter who is a grade younger than my son, who is of the highest grade level represented on the council (it's a fairly young council, 4 sophomores and 1 freshman, the sponsor's daughter).

 

The council sponsor from last year is returning to work and must relinquish her involvement, but, to get the year off to its proper start, she oversaw the application and selection process. She also moderated the first gathering of the new council, and as part of that did two things. First, she announced that the "adult council" had decided to appoint my son as president of the council, since he was the only student with prior experience. I cannot tell you who comprises the adult council, I assumed it was this sponsor and the co-op head. Secondly, the council discussed what other positions were necessary and the members collectively decided who would serve in each capacity. It appeared that every council member was quite content with the agreed upon assignments. So far, so good, so everyone thought.

 

Next meeting. New sponsor in place. My son was prepared to lead the meeting according to Robert's Rules of Order, as he is accustomed to this from other student-led organizations. The only irregularity was that he had not asked anyone for agenda items, this being the first meeting, he assumed most would fall into the new business category.

 

New sponsor commences leading the meeting. Son asks her if she has an agenda to share with the members. No, she will not share her agenda. First item on her agenda: revote on all the council positions, since it was not fair that someone was appointed president and the council members did not get to vote on that. Makes big deal of tallying secret ballots, saying, "Ooooo, what a close race..." My son remains president (and is later told by 3 other members that they voted for him to remain as president). So, ds begins to realize he is not in "safe" territory with this woman.

 

Next item: the prom. Several female students have expressed that they would like to have a prom. Co-op head had, two days prior, told my son that she was sorry, the school could not be affiliated with a prom, the kids and parents could do something on their own and share the news word of mouth, but there was too much potential for division for the school to be associated, end of story. The new sponsor proceeds to lead the 3 girls of the council in a 40-minute discussion of prom details, right down to how many inches below the clavical would the girls be allowed to wear their dresses on that occasion.

 

With 10 minutes remaining, my son expresses the need to discuss the other business intended for that meeting, including the other boy student's organization of a group to attend the state TeenPact conference in March, and the scheduling of a student service project at the local food bank. These items are each receive a few minutes mention, then the topic of polling students for what clubs they want is addressed. Sponsor's daughter is in charge of that. I assume this is where the mentioned rudeness occurred. I have no doubt that by this time my son was pretty perturbed.

 

Following the meeting, my son went to the head of the co-op to express his distress, and to clarify his own role in future meetings. New sponsor came over and inserted herself into the conversation. I think this is actually the crux of why she thought he was being rude and disrespectful.

 

Disclaimer: I was not there. I have, however, carefully questioned my son and the co-op head about the situation, trying to accurately envision the situation. The minutes of the meeting, sent out the next day by the STUCO secretary with zero input from anyone else, fully represent the course of the meeting as described by my son.

 

On the drive home, ds expressed his frustration, then went on to say that he felt like a failure at his attempts to be humble before others (a spiritual issue which he has, individually and apart fom his parents, been convicted of by the LORD). He was really struggling with emotions, whether his feelings were righteous, etc, and I could tell he felt very betrayed by this sponsor who - as it appeared to my son and others who shared with him afterwards - had designs of elevating her own daughter to the position of council president (as my son said, "Watch it, Mom, that's an easy accusation to make." He was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt on that one, I am not so sure I could...). Anyway, we decided that I would call the co-op sponsor the next day to see if he should plan to run the next meeting by Robert's or whether the new sponsor was going to be running the meetings this year. But the next day, before I had a chance to call...

 

Enter the big stick. He got this email. He wasn't going to tell me about it, and immediately sent her the most humble, contrite and totally respectful email that a person could muster up, let alone a 14 year old boy. I read it after the fact, and was astounded that he could be so generous of spirit. In many ways, he is a much bigger person than is his mother.

 

I forwarded both emails to the co-op head, then followed up with a phone call. She was speechless about the email, and could only say, "Ew. What are you thinking?"

 

I said I was thinking that this person was never again permitted to send emails to my child without copying me on it. My reasons: #1, If my kids are disrespectful, I want to know about it, and #2, if my child is rendered unable to do his schoolwork because he has received a techno-verbal spanking from someone professing to be his Christian mentor, I need to know about it.

 

Co-op head agreed and said son would be leading the meetings from now on, she would make sure sponsor knew the "prom" was a no-discuss-needed issue, and that all future correspondences would be copied to me.

 

DS and I had a long talk about this subject, and every possible extension of life lesson that could be learned from it. Sigh. One of parenting's very un-fun lessons. Be assured that our discussions focused on his need for right words, actions and attitudes just as much as it did on his righteous indignation and the sponsor's inappropriate words and actions.

 

Yesterday, dh has the opportunity to read the email. His words, "In my 20+ years in corporate American, I have never seen such a nasty email. They probably exist, but not in my experience. I cannot believe this was sent from an adult to a 14 year old student. It's enough to make most kids his age just want to quit."

 

Worst part, this "big stick" came all wrapped up in Christian terms.

 

Saw sponsor last night at the co-op fall bonfire. She brought up the subject, commended my son for handling himself "very professionally" yet she expressed no regret for sending the email in the first place. I was totally incapable of dicussing the subject with her and proceeded to ask her if she had eve seen a recipe for homemade marshmallows. :confused:

 

I am deeply saddened to realize that someone I once considered a friend is now someone I must consider detrimental to the emotional well being of my children.

 

Wow, that's enough. Thanks for your replies, thanks for letting me get it off my chest, it's comforting to have people to "talk" to outside the IRL circle that includes this woman.

Your son is to be commended. I am so sorry this woman acted this way. :grouphug:

[Carol in Cal.]

It sounds like the mentor was identifying a problem, clearly spelling it out without being devastating about it, and offering several alternative courses of action to be considered in the future.

 

It is always very difficult to receive criticism, and perhaps this particular criticism was misplaced. But assuming that it was a reasonable description of what happened, I was impressed, particularly, that the mentor did not blast the child, that she expressed confidence and hope in the child's potential and their future interactions, and, again, that she gave alternative courses of action. To me the most common mistake that leaders make in giving criticism is that they just criticize without giving a clear idea of their expectations for the future, or without giving the student some ideas about what to do instead.

 

(I didn't read any other answers before posting this. Off to do that now.)

[justamouse]

 

Even without the redacted Mrs. signature, you can tell it's written by a woman. It's got a nice passive aggressive tone.

 

This just makes me want to say 'grow up' to the adult.

 

This.

 

She has been a teacher all these years and she's offended by a 14 year old?

 

HELLO?

 

Get a thicker skin and manage it like a grownup, not another 14 year old. This should have been addresses later, face to face. NOT by an e-mail.

[Carol in Cal.]

I guess that from the tone of the email, I assumed that the mentor and student had a longstanding, mutually respectful relationship and were a good team to start with. Certainly that is the assumption under which that email could be construed as constructive and appropriate.

 

However, given the backstory, it's an attack, and it sounds like your DS handled it quite well.

 

I'm not sure what to suggest ongoing.

[Heather in WI]

I take my post back after hearing the backstory. Yikes!

 

What a great young man you are raising.

[Elizabeth Conley]

Wow,

 

Your son handled that exceptionally well. The backstory is everything. I was a bit confused without the backstory. Initially I thought that the sender should have brought up at least some of her objections at the time of the supposed discourtesy to her. Now I realize she was just acting out.

 

"Worst part, this "big stick" came all wrapped up in Christian terms. "

 

I'm with you on this one. It's a bitter pill when really bad behavior is justified as Christian duty.

 

I really sympathize with you for asking about the home-made marshmallow recipe. I actually think that was a good idea, although it makes you feel like a wimp! There's no sense to getting a crazy person excited.

 

One of my children's best friends has a parent famous for "having it out" with people. This parent's previous victims are still licking their wounds from these confrontations. They're all pretty traumatized. My child really values the friend, so I live with the uneasy knowledge that this parent will eventually blindside me. This person's track record suggests I won't see it coming, and the bone of contention will be something that would never have occurred to me. Worst of all, the attack will be justified as a matter of "Christian Duty". Won't that be fun?

 

Needless to say, I'm on eggshells with this person. Confrontation makes me physically ill. If keeping discussions confined to homemade marshmallow recipes and the weather will keep this person calm, then those are my conversational gambits.

 

Nothing good comes from these crazy dramas.

Edited October 4, 2009 by Elizabeth Conley

[Harriet Vane]

Wow,

 

 

One of my children's best friends has a parent famous for "having it out" with people. This parent's previous victims are still licking their wounds from these confrontations. They're all pretty traumatized. My child really values the friend, so I live with the uneasy knowledge that this parent will eventually blindside me. This person's track record suggests I won't see it coming, and the bone of contention will be something that would never have occurred to me. Worst of all, the attack will be justified as a matter of "Christian Duty". Won't that be fun?

 

Needless to say, I'm on eggshells with this person. Confrontation makes me physically ill. If keeping discussions confined to homemade marshmallow recipes and the weather will keep this person calm, then those are my conversational gambits.

 

Nothing good comes from these crazy dramas.

 

This happened to me. It was truly horrible and continues to be quite painful for me, as I considered this person a dear friend. When/if it happens to you, feel free to pm me for sympathy.

[MariannNOVA]

Wow,

 

 

One of my children's best friends has a parent famous for "having it out" with people. This parent's previous victims are still licking their wounds from these confrontations. They're all pretty traumatized. My child really values the friend, so I live with the uneasy knowledge that this parent will eventually blindside me. This person's track record suggests I won't see it coming, and the bone of contention will be something that would never have occurred to me. Worst of all, the attack will be justified as a matter of "Christian Duty". Won't that be fun?

 

Needless to say, I'm on eggshells with this person. Confrontation makes me physically ill. If keeping discussions confined to homemade marshmallow recipes and the weather will keep this person calm, then those are my conversational gambits.

 

Nothing good comes from these crazy dramas.

 

WOW -- I know what you mean -- it's like walking through a mine field! DH has a family member like that.

[Sonshine]

Wow - I assumed from the tone of the email that the person being addressed had done something very offensive - cussed at an adult for example. I thought and still think that if a minor has assumed a position of responsibility and authority that an adult is not wrong to correct him without contacting the parents (especially a teenage child). After all, the child is trying to interact with the adults as parties on similar levels. But this seems like a personality problem on the part of the adult in question, not a legitimate difference of opinion on what constitutes proper interaction between people.

[Garga]

Posting before reading other's comments:

 

Made my face flush. I'm not the recipient, but it made me feel defensive and embarrassed. I wondered why this wasn't done in person and not in a letter. A letter comes across as too formal and accusatory. A conversation can be more gentle. I wouldn't have liked being compared with all other students (I've never been treated this way, much less by a homeschooled christian, line.)

 

I wondered why the advice on how to handle the class wasn't done in person (there was something about letting them have fun, or something....I'm starting to forget the specifics.)

 

The only thing that would make this letter ok, is if the recipient really was incredibly insensitive and prideful AND this had already been discussed in person, to no avail. Letters are for after a face-to-face conversation hasn't worked.

[kdurfee]

I definitely believe it was inappropriate for an adult to correct a 14 y.o. without the presence or inclusion of a parent in the conversation. And even IF the parent was included, I feel the rebuke was too personal and unprofessional. Apparently the 14 y.o. may have acted immaturely or inappropriately, but it does not benefit a young person to be corrected in like manner.

Hope you can pray through and navigate this well!

[Leanna Tomlinson]

The email writer has double standards. She expects things of your son that she does not exhibit herself. I sense a great deal of pride and little or no grace on the part of the Christian adult.

My comments in red.

~

Leanna

 

As a leader you are to guide people by motivation and encouragement. I felt neither of these things from you when you left. I am always open to feedback when it is given in a postive light.

Here, she is admonishing him guide by motivation and encouragement, but does not do so herself.

 

As our Stuco President it is your duty to, "motivate the others and keep the group in a positive mood." I hope and expect that you will be able to do this for our group. The way that you shared with [another student council member's name, the sponsor/writer's daughter] today about her not writing the email properly because it did not say the word "suggestions" vs. "polls" was rudely stated as well. This was not a big deal!

Here she says "This is not a big deal", but she makes a big deal in an above paragraph about the term '"loosey goosey"

Next time try to thank people for their work and suggest an idea that they might think about for the next time. That way the person feels good about their work and will consider your thoughts for the future.

Again, she expects this of the 14yo, but is not making your ds feel good about his work.

 

 

The group today was talking over each other, and this is something that can be easily fixed on your and my part (if needed). I knew that everyone was excited to discuss the dance and different topics, so I did not stop it today. If I was leading the group again, this would be the first thing that I would address. Please allow them to have fun, too, [recipient's name]. They can do this and still get things accomplished as well.

This paragraph is so contradictory. On one hand she says they should be allowed to chatter, but then says that the issue of talking must be addressed at the next meeting.

 

 

 

 

[specialmama]

I see nothing wrong with the letter. It is constructive, it builds the child up while pointing out an area (or two) for improvement. This teacher does come off strong in the first part, but my dd is VERY sensitive and so I'm judging it harder. HOWEVER, this child is in some sort of leadership training, and should be like clay, expecting and wanting feedback in ways to improve. No (overly) sensitive kid is going to be in leadership training IMO... so I'd feel fine about the letter. I'd take it as maturely as I could, chin up, and really consider the points offered by this mentor.

[ereks mom]

An e-mail, especially one that 1) is intended for a 14yo and 2) addresses such a variety of concerns (apparently pretty serious to the sender) seems too impersonal. It's almost as if the sender is angry and wants to lash out at the recipient, but is hiding behind his/her computer in an effort to get all the words out before the "accused" can protest.

 

The e-mail comes across as lambasting the 14yo, who is, after all, only 14 yo!

[ereks mom]

My initial response without knowing the people is that she is treating said 14 year old like they should have the reasoning and experience of an adult. I do agree this is the type of conversation that needs to happen face to face and could be worded much differently. It is almost as if she took a personal offense and turned into "well I'm telling you how wrong you were."

 

My ds isn't 14, but I'm sure at 12 he would not responded well to the e-mail. I know at 14 I would have taken many of those comments personally like I wasn't doing a good job and it was their personal cause to mold me according to their view of leadership. It would have absolutely stunted my desire to grow in that area, but I tend to internalize and take things personally.

 

As an adult I might have addressed those issues one by one in person over time. I would have made notes and allowed them to be talking points with this person but I wouldn't have written them all out in one e-mail.

 

:iagree:

[swimmermom3]

As requested, I did not read the other responses before sharing with you my first impressions. If the letter were addressed to my child (I have a 14 yo ds), I would first ask for their version of what happened during the meeting. I would then ask my child if there was anything they felt they could have done better or handled differently. I would also ask if there was any point at which they felt that they were disrespectful.

 

We would proceed to discuss the teacher's letter and go from there. I did not feel that the teacher was unreasonable or inappropriate.

 

I'm sure I've just repeated the other 10 pages but I HTH.

[smrtmama]

I don't find this email to be appropriate to send to anyone, let alone a 14 year old child. I would be livid if an adult since this to my son or daughter and I would absolutely address it with that person and anyone else in charge of the co-op. Clearly, the person writing this email has delegated far too much responsibility to a 14 year old child and is now trying to blame the child for being a teenager, not an adult.

[Sputterduck]

My initial response is that she is pulling the Christian card in an inappropriate manner. I also think this should be addressed with a parent. Maybe the person who wrote this has legitimate points, I don't know, but addressing this with the constant Christian card and without a parent overshadows a teen being possibly rude about complaints.

 

As a parent this would make me rather uncomfortable. I do appreciate people correcting my child in an appropriate manner, but I would like to be made aware of it.

[AuntieM]

I wanted to put this thread to bed, so I can go to bed myself!

 

Thanks to all who responded, I appreciate your objective opinions, as well as your support when the rest of the story was told. I apologize for any confusion that may have been caused by my not giving all the details at first, I wasn't trying to play "gotcha," honest, I was merely hoping to see what an unbiased reader might think.

 

I very much appreciate all your input. I would love to reply to each of you individually, but time forbids.

 

May you all have a very fun and productive week ahead!

[nrg]

My initial reactions are as follows:

1. I, th eparent, should have received a copy of this. No adult should be corresponding privately with my child.

2. This adult sounds personally offended at the conversation and criticisms from teh child, not as if he were speaking as a teacher for the child.

3. If such a crrespondance were necessary, it could have been worded positively and constructively.

4. Were I the parent, I would respond through my child's email account, agreeing to discuss the issues with mychild, and asking that the writer not do this again.