s/o - all you "non-spankers"...

[Tree House Academy]

Just out of curiousity, all of those out there who "don't spank" or think it is just the most horrific thing ever, how old are your kids?

 

I just want to say that I will gladly listen to someone who has raised kids to be quite old without spanking. Heck, I may even listen intently. However, when your oldest child is like 3-4, please don't talk to me about not spanking. From birth to 4, I am not really sure I had a need to spank EITHER of my kids. Spanking was something that came into play as they got older and other methods did not work.

 

Since we are listing pet peeves, one of mine is having someone who has only been a parent for a few years tell me all about parenting. My oldest son is 10 - I have been at this for a bit...and there are others who are much more experienced than I am as well (though perhaps not as experienced with the *type* of child that my older son is). I am just saying...it may be a good idea to sit back and listen if you have little kids and have only just begun your parenting journey....

[HRAAB]

Ages 20, 18, 12, 8 and 8.

 

Janet

[Melinda in VT]

Just out of curiousity, all of those out there who "don't spank" or think it is just the most horrific thing ever, how old are your kids?

 

I just want to say that I will gladly listen to someone who has raised kids to be quite old without spanking. Heck, I may even listen intently. However, when your oldest child is like 3-4, please don't talk to me about not spanking. From birth to 4, I am not really sure I had a need to spank EITHER of my kids. Spanking was something that came into play as they got older and other methods did not work.

 

Since we are listing pet peeves, one of mine is having someone who has only been a parent for a few years tell me all about parenting. My oldest son is 10 - I have been at this for a bit...and there are others who are much more experienced than I am as well (though perhaps not as experienced with the *type* of child that my older son is). I am just saying...it may be a good idea to sit back and listen if you have little kids and have only just begun your parenting journey....

 

Interesting. I have the opposite view of spanking. I think if you are going to use it at all, it should be used from about 18 months to 4 years. The older the child is, the less appropriate spanking is (except for little babies).

 

Ideologically, I'm opposed to spanking, but my practice does not always live up to my values.:(

 

Oh, my kids are 13, 9, 9, and 3.

[Carrie12345]

Like I said in the other thread, I *have spanked, but I consider it a very negative thing (in my house, for my kids, yadda yadda)

My oldest will be 11 next month. The others are 7, 6 and 2. And the thought of spanking my 2 year old makes my stomach turn.

[KingM]

I can't speak to anyone else, but when I resort to spanking it's because I've lost control, not because my child has. I'm spanking because I'm angry, because nothing else has helped. And later, I feel terrible.

 

So the key to me is to keep my emotions under control--even Spock-like control, if possible--whenever disciplining my children. I've found the 1-2-3 Magic method works well for me and my kids in deescalating 99% of situations before they would ever get to the spanking stage.

[Tammy]

My kids are 18, 16, 14, 12.....and I have never spanked them.....and never would, LOL.

[melissel]

Almost 7 and almost 4. My dearest friend, whom I consider to be somewhat of a mentor mom, has a DD who's almost 10 and a DS who's 7. She's never spanked either of them, and her first was/is a "spirited" child. They're both wonderful, polite, smart, caring children.

[KingM]

Oh, my kids are 13, 9, 9, and 3.

 

I read this from the bottom up after having just posted and thought, "Hey, I agree and that's how old my kids are!"

 

Oh, wait. That's because they are my kids. :tongue_smilie:

[SonshineLearner]

Hey There,

 

I'm a spanker:-) But, my oldest kids...who we have half time....(17 and 14) have never been swatted...(except one time when the younger one was close to me...and smarted off....) However, they have been yelled at by my husband... The are lovely, sweet girls and truly are pleasers. They did go through some serious stress when their parents divorced, which I believe did some serious damage to at least one of the girls. My husband hasn't yelled in years. We don't really ground them or anything else. We just talk them through whatever is going on.

My daughter is totally different. She's just a different personality. She has been spanked quite a bit by me. Maybe 4 times from my husband. It was just a different situation...and I'm really particular about when my husband spanks her. Even still...she listens to him more.

My son is almost 6. He has gotten approximately 8 swats since November. I'm kinda tracking for other reasons. He's got a ton of energy and only gets spanked if I say, "Come here, or stay there," and he won't. Or, if he say...bites... We only do a few time outs once in a while... We talk through most things...

 

Carrie:-)

[melissel]

I read this from the bottom up after having just posted and thought, "Hey, I agree and that's how old my kids are!"

 

Oh, wait. That's because they are my kids. :tongue_smilie:

 

:lol:

[Tree House Academy]

I read this from the bottom up after having just posted and thought, "Hey, I agree and that's how old my kids are!"

 

Oh, wait. That's because they are my kids. :tongue_smilie:

 

 

OMG! LOL :lol:

[Firefly]

Mine will be 10 and 12 in the fall.

[Tree House Academy]

I have spanked from age 5 or so up through age 9. At this point, spanking is kind of a moot point since my older ds has not had one in almost a year and my younger responds better to discussions.

 

As I have said, I greatly respect the opinions of others who have older kids and have parented without spanking at all. I don't think spanking is this horrible, vial thing, but I do agree with poster who mentioned that spanking seems to be something that is more a result of MY level of frustration after nothing else has worked. Though I am not an "angry spanker" - I do not hit my kids when I am mad...even if that means they wait on their beds until I calm down. My past (with my abusive father) has taught me that much!

[jplain]

My oldest will be 6 in Sept, so I'm sure my opinion doesn't matter to you, but...

 

I am just saying...it may be a good idea to sit back and listen if you have little kids and have only just begun your parenting journey....

Oh goody! It's the "more experienced parents are doing it, so it's okay for you too!" argument. :tongue_smilie:

 

No thanks. I've already opted out of a LOT of things other parents are doing.

The fact that they've been parenting longer than I have is, frankly, irrelevant.

[Satori]

I suppose that was aimed at me, based on your response in the other thread, I have a 4 year old (almost 5) that I don't spank.

 

I was never spanked myself, nor were my 2 siblings, so yes I was in a family with kids over 4. :) Before I had kids, I learned how to teach my pets using positive discipline. Same goes for parenting now. Before homeschooling, I was well-known throughout the attachment parenting world, and know thousands of families with children of all ages who don't spank and have great children! (If anyone here knows what TBW or ATB means, they would know me.) Every week I had playdates with families who have children from 0-high school age. I was surrounded by good influences and never saw them hit a child, or have a child be purposely naughty.

[Tree House Academy]

My oldest will be 6 in Sept, so I'm sure my opinion doesn't matter to you, but...

 

Oh goody! It's the "more experienced parents are doing it, so it's okay for you too!" argument. :tongue_smilie:

 

No thanks. I've already opted out of a LOT of things other parents are doing.

The fact that they've been parenting longer than I have is, frankly, irrelevant.

 

Oh no dear, I spank my kids. I likely will until I feel they are too old to receive them. I just don't value terribly the opinion of inexperienced parents.

[Tree House Academy]

I suppose that was aimed at me, based on your response in the other thread, I have a 4 year old (almost 5) that I don't spank.

 

I was never spanked myself, nor were my 2 siblings, so yes I was in a family with kids over 4. :) Before I had kids, I learned how to teach my pets using positive discipline. Same goes for parenting now. Before homeschooling, I was well-known throughout the attachment parenting world, and know thousands of families with children of all ages who don't spank and have great children! (If anyone here knows what TBW or ATB means, they would know me.) Every week I had playdates with families who have children from 0-high school age. I was surrounded by good influences and never saw them hit a child, or have a child be purposely naughty.

 

 

It wasn't aimed at anyone in particular.

 

I do not spank my children in front of groups of people or other kids either (though I have been known to threaten :tongue_smilie: in a "I totally would never do that" kind of way). That type of discipline, for me, is a last resort and is done at home, when I am not angry, and when nothing else has worked. Therefore, I am not shocked that you never saw other kids spanked.

[Satori]

I highly doubt AP (attachment parent) parents would ever spank their children. We do not even let our children cry! If they did, like posted earlier, it was a loss of "their" control, and they regretted it.

 

I don't have any negatives with non-AP parents. Just saying I'm surrounded by this philosophy online and with real-life friends.

[fivetails]

This is what I posted in the other thread:

 

Nope, we don't - at their ages now, they're pretty much beyond 'spanking age' anyway, but even if we had wanted to spank, it would not have been effective with ds10. Most people spank with the intention of the child feeling a 'light sting' or some other light form of temporary light physical pain, right? Ds10 doesn't feel pain the same way as a typical child. The normal swats on the bum that most spankings involve - he would just laugh at that and wonder what in the world you were doing.

 

Even without that particular issue, though, his other disabilities would also render spanking ineffective - plus, we don't personally believe in using that form of discipline in our family.

 

...we "don't spank", but I do NOT think it's "the most horrific thing ever". I think we all have different parenting styles and we use what works best for each of our families.

[LND1218]

Just out of curiousity, all of those out there who "don't spank" or think it is just the most horrific thing ever, how old are your kids?

 

I just want to say that I will gladly listen to someone who has raised kids to be quite old without spanking. Heck, I may even listen intently. However, when your oldest child is like 3-4, please don't talk to me about not spanking. From birth to 4, I am not really sure I had a need to spank EITHER of my kids. Spanking was something that came into play as they got older and other methods did not work.

 

Since we are listing pet peeves, one of mine is having someone who has only been a parent for a few years tell me all about parenting. My oldest son is 10 - I have been at this for a bit...and there are others who are much more experienced than I am as well (though perhaps not as experienced with the *type* of child that my older son is). I am just saying...it may be a good idea to sit back and listen if you have little kids and have only just begun your parenting journey....

 

I also hold the opposite view of this. We are done with spanking mostly by 3 or 4. Sometimes they will still get one until about 6 or 7, but every so rarely.

 

I never spank as a last resort or when out of control. It's a training tool for us when they are too young to be reasoned with.

[JFSinIL]

Mine are 17, 17, 15, 13 - I do not recall having spanked any of them, although I did have a few times of tossing cold water in the face of a screaming, out-of-control toddler to stop a melt-down. Either my kids were/are tranquil little milquetoasts or I let them get away with too much, I dunno. They do respond well to threat of removal of tv/'puter/Mp3.....

 

If any of them had done something dangerous, like run into traffic, I am sure I would have had no hesitation about a spanking.

[5knights3maidens]

My oldest (24) has told me that he wasn't spanked enough. ;)

[KS_]

Like I said in the other thread, I *have spanked, but I consider it a very negative thing (in my house, for my kids, yadda yadda)

 

This sounds like our experience - we did spank when ds was little (from age 2 til 5?) because that's all we knew from talking with other people and just really didn't know how to do things any other way. However, it *never* produced a lasting effect on him, besides increasing his anger and really driving a wedge in our relationship (this child was in trouble daily by refusing to do what I asked or just being naughty about something - he is the type that has the attitude of "I'd rather die than give in" if he's in a mood). He can be an extremely challenging child and it just wasn't an effective discipline tool for him. Dd has been spanked a couple times in her life, but that's it.

 

So we gave up spanking and went to a more positive discipline approach (a book I've mentioned before - Transforming the Difficult Child). We had tried other methods besides spanking and nothing was really effective. This method has been, and although he has by no means changed into an easy child, I enjoy being around him now :)

[jplain]

Angela, I don't think it is such a good idea to put APs up on a pedestal.

 

AP is an ideal that some parents value, but it is not something that anyone manages to implement to the letter. And that's one reason I never use the term to describe myself, though I could mark off a whole slew of those AP check boxes. ;)

 

Maybe this'll shock you, but plenty of MDC mamas struggle with spanking. And maybe it isn't talked about at TBW, but I'd bet cash that it's the same in that community.

[fivetails]

I should add... I don't think spanking is horrible - when it's the normal kind of spanking that is often discussed here. Open hand swat on the clothed bum kinda deal, y'know?

 

When my siblings and I were kids, a "spanking" meant a belt across the bare end. Yeah OW. That's a different story. I don't consider him to have been abusive given the time & place - he was just doing what he thought was right, as it was the same way that he and his siblings had been disciplined. But times have changed, and what was considered okay 25 years ago (heck, they were still giving the strap in my elem school!) is not looked at in the same way these days. Kinda like letting your kids climb around in the back of the station wagon and all that. ;)

[TammyinTN]

When I was younger I spanked more. My girls got more spankings than my son who came later in life.

 

My children are 21, 19 and 11.

 

I was much wiser as I got older and my little guy only had very few spankings. He was a great little toddler. I also never left him, my girls had to go to daycare because dh and I were busy working/going to college trying to get ahead. Being older certainly made things better and easier for us. I wish I had waited to have the girls when we were older because I was definitely more calm and relaxed with parenting the older I got. This however doesn't mean I don't have extremely high standards...my methods were just different. I hope this makes sense to someone. :001_smile:

[TxMama]

Just out of curiousity, all of those out there who "don't spank" or think it is just the most horrific thing ever, how old are your kids?

...

 

 

I do not spank but I do not think that spanking is the most horrific thing ever.

 

My kids are ages 19ds, 18dd, 7ds and 3dd.

 

My 19yo son would ask for a spanking when he was in the 5-10yo age range because he figured it was the easiest way to be punished. His friends from spanking families could go home, get a spanking , and be right back out riding their bikes. He unfortunately was stuck inside for the rest of the afternoon or had to do some other horrific punishment. :tongue_smilie:

 

FWIW, effective discipline rather it is spanking or timeouts or whatever is what makes the difference longterm for kids. I know kids who turned out "bad" who were parented from all sides of the discipline spectrum. It isn't as simple as "to spank or not to spank". If what you are doing isn't working then you need to find something else to try!

[Caroline4kids]

I also hold the opposite view of this. We are done with spanking mostly by 3 or 4. Sometimes they will still get one until about 6 or 7, but every so rarely.

 

I never spank as a last resort or when out of control. It's a training tool for us when they are too young to be reasoned with.

 

:iagree:

I was an AP, sling wearing, co-sleeping, grain grinding (still am :)) mom, but sometimes an irrational child needs a little jolt to get them out of themselves long enough to see the error of their ways. I would never beat a child. Ever. A small slap on the wrist or bottom is sometimes needed if a meltdown has occured, IMHO.

[Ginevra]

Just out of curiousity, all of those out there who "don't spank" or think it is just the most horrific thing ever, how old are your kids?

 

I just want to say that I will gladly listen to someone who has raised kids to be quite old without spanking. Heck, I may even listen intently. However, when your oldest child is like 3-4, please don't talk to me about not spanking. From birth to 4, I am not really sure I had a need to spank EITHER of my kids. Spanking was something that came into play as they got older and other methods did not work.

 

I am philosophically a non-spanker. My kids have been spanked at times ("pop" on the butt-type spank). With one child, I considered the possibility that my philosophy was incorrect and he had more spankings than the other two. But I do think that when I have spanked it has almost always amounted to a parental temper-tantrum and not anything that was likely to correctly shape my child's behavior.

 

My children are 12, 9 and 4. Surprising that you said you spank as they get older; that is the complete opposite of me. I wouldn't dream of spanking my 12 or 9 year old and at this point, my 4 year old can communicate with me well enough that it would be very unlikely that I would spank him any more. It was when he was an incredibly difficult toddler that I reconsidered my views on spanking. But I could also see that spanking never did one thing to make things better and it had quite a few negative side-effects.

 

At my kids ages, I am hard-pressed to think of any offense they would be likely to do that would make me think they need a spanking. Actually, they hardly ever even get punishments. This is not to say they are undisciplined. It's just that I don't see the need to heap some artificial pain onto whatever the problem is. We just need to talk about and work out whatever the problem is.

[Satori]

AP is an ideal that some parents value, but it is not something that anyone manages to implement to the letter. And that's one reason I never use the term to describe myself, though I could mark off a whole slew of those AP check boxes. ;)

 

Maybe this'll shock you, but plenty of MDC mamas struggle with spanking. And maybe it isn't talked about at TBW, but I'd bet cash that it's the same in that community.

 

AP encourages positive discipline, yes, maybe not everyone follows AP to a T, but AP parents mostly strive to respect their children.

 

I don't identify with MDC (although I post there sometimes), so I never mentioned that forum specifically, I believe quite a few families spank there! I have tons of TBW friends though and if a conversation like this was brought up there, I think spanking would be considered a negative thing by over 90% of the mamas there.

[Jenny in Atl]

Never spanked and mine, and they are almost 9 and 13. What do you want to know? I never saw the need to spank, I guess since I was raised in a home that never spanked, it was how I learned to deal with babies and yong children. Dh was whipped, and that left scars..

 

I used many of the (Loving Guidance/AP) tools to guide my kids away from dangerous situations, no running into the road or jumping head first into the shallow end of the pool, but I only have two kids, and they are spaced more than four years apart. I wore both in a sling, and breastfeed them till an ungodly age :lol: (that cut down on many situations that might have lead to frustration). I learned their limits, when going to 50+ stores was too much, etc. We (dh & I) adjusted guidance given their age. What worked at two might change at seven.

 

I find most times when someone is out and about with little ones, and they are misbehaving, it's because too much is being asked of them. We live in a modern world, yet our babies/young children are still primitive in their needs. They want to be held close or allowed to roam with someone near by, have routine, etc. Meeting these needs are not always possible, and often adults have had little exposure to the needs of little ones when they were young adults, so when they have kids, they don't know what the heck to do with them.

 

I guess, ask yourself. If you had a boss, and every time you messed up, he/she slapped your hand, how long would you stay at that job?

 

Parenting w/o spanking is possible, and having well behaved kids. It just takes work. Spanking, slapping, yelling is the gut reaction easy way, but often it leads to more misbehavior and resentment. It was only after dh was strong enough to stop his mother from slapping him, did the hitting stop. From that point on, she was scared of him, no longer the other way around.

[Satori]

I think that is a very well-said post Jenny.

[Nakia]

I highly doubt AP (attachment parent) parents would ever spank their children. We do not even let our children cry! If they did, like posted earlier, it was a loss of "their" control, and they regretted it.

 

 

Hold up!! I practiced attachment parenting (baby wearing, extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, etc) and I spank. We do spank very rarely, mostly hand pops from the age of 18 months up to about 3 or 4. After that, I have found that we don't need to spank very often. I haven't spanked my 6 or 8 yr olds in a VERY long time. Actually I can't even remember the last time. Now, my 3 yr old, that is a different story. :D

[Joanne]

My children are 14, 12 and 10. I parent without spanking.

 

I owned and operated a daycare with 15 children ages 18 months thru 12; no spanking.

 

I managed a before and after school care setting @ a school but as an employee of the YMCA; no spanking.

 

I just re-read parts of the recently bumped up "spanking thread". I have to say that if you don't believe in spanking, no child that exists "needs it". If spanking IS an option for you, certain children will seem to need it. But really what they respond to is the absolute firm consistency offered by some parents who spank. That can be offered without spanking. It's never been a case that I have had easy kids (at home or work).

 

I have a website related to this - which I developed as a parent of very young children. My feelings about spanking as a tool have not changed but my discipline approach has.

 

There is a page on my site about spanking not being the isssue (I think it's titled let's not talk about spanking) that sums it up.

 

As far as the AP community - well I am fairly well known, linked and quoted there too. *shrug* I did a LOT and AP and natural parenting (they are not synonymous) but I don't claim the labels anymore. I noticed a disproportionate amount of dysfunction and depression in those sub cultures. And a great deal of permissiveness. I do not believe "ap" is permissive; it's just a place for permissiveness to show up.

 

I have observed a greater percentage of issued people in counter cultural settings: AP, homeschooling, natural parenting, conservative Christian, vegetarian, non coercive parenting, child free groups, etc. I think often what drivers people to seek choices outside the norm can also set individuals up to be at risk for dysfunction.

[emmsmama]

My kids are 10 and 6.5 and have never been spanked. They are very well-behaved and caring kids. My ds is very active and sometimes can try my patience, but I have still never spanked him and he is a pleasure to be around 99% of the time (and even kids who are spanked don't act perfectly the way we want them to all the time).

[Satori]

Ok, I was wrong to group everyone in such a generalized matter, hehe. But I do think parents who embrace much AP philosophy are more likely to use positive discipline than resort to corporal punishment.

[RegularMom]

Just out of curiousity, all of those out there who "don't spank" or think it is just the most horrific thing ever, how old are your kids?

 

 

Your use of quotation marks around the words 'don't spank' is confusing to me. Are you inferring that we do actually spank in some way? Or is it meant to indicate derision with the concept? Or am I reading too much into your decision to use the quotation marks?

 

Can you clarify?

 

Also, to answer your question: my children are 6 and almost 9. We've been parenting almost the exact same amount of time. You beat me by a year or so, so I assume my thoughts on this matter are not interesting to you.

 

However, for anyone else who might be interested, I'll just say that we don't spank. We use a combination of things: discussion, time-outs, logic, loss of privledges, etc. to achieve good discipline.

 

As I child I was spanked with a wooden spoon. I wouldn't say I was physically abused, but I also wouldn't say that my mother was a loving and in-control spanker. She wasn't. She clearly was an out-of-control parent and an out-of-control disciplinarian. I became an out-of-control teenager who resented my mother in ever possible way. The last time I remember her hitting me with that spoon, I grabbed it away from her and broke it in half. So she slapped me in the face. And I slapped her back. And that was the end of the spoon. I was 15 at the time.

 

My husband, on the other hand, was literally beaten by his own father on many occasions. Those beatings were severe enough that his mother would have to call the police to make it stop.

 

Needless to say, he was never a big proponent of spankings. No matter how well-delivered. And neither am I. We feel quite strongly that our children will remember more vividly how we chose to struggle through those moments with a discipline system that might take LONGER to achieve results, but always strove for those results in a way that was never disrespectful to their own physical bodies.

 

I would never once allow a man (or anyone, really) to hit me. For any reason. Why would I ever let a man (or anyone) hit my daughters? I look at them today and I see the beautiful young women they will become. And then I look at the world we live in and it reminds me how important it is to stay focused on the longer view.

 

For me, it's not nearly as important that I look good as a mother (by having children that are always 100% good and obedient). What's more important than my self-image is that I raise young women who will inherently understand their own value in the world. And that they'll find friends and mates that value them accordingly.

 

I consider it one of the most important lessons that my daughters will ever learn: that no one is ever allowed to hurt their bodies. For any reason.

 

If it takes them longer to learn concepts like discipline and respect of others because I won't use physical pain as a teaching tool, so be it.

 

Oh... and my pet peeve is:

 

deliberate obtuseness.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I can't speak to anyone else, but when I resort to spanking it's because I've lost control, not because my child has. I'm spanking because I'm angry, because nothing else has helped. And later, I feel terrible.

 

 

 

:iagree:

 

My kids are 15, 13 and 9. I have only spanked a couple times, and when I have done, it was because I was out of control. The offense itself, was not terrible, but the "perfect storm" of life events such as lack of sleep, unusual stress, not eating the right foods combined to create a volatile situation. When I saw the look of hurt and terror in my child's eyes and saw my face in the mirror, I realized that this needed to end RIGHT THERE. I regretted it so much.

 

One thing I tried hard to do was create an environment where it was easy to behave, setting them up for success. They did not have a lot of freedom to explore without me right there next to them. When the littles did not have self-control, I was right there providing it for them. I would remove temptation wherever possible. I was very actively engaged with them to create a positive discipline environment - guide, redirect, instruct, redirect, etc. We did a lot of talking about why we were to behave well and the consequences of not doing so. I parent through the strength of the relationship, not solely through authority or force.

 

Although my oldest child was an easy kid, my middle son was a very difficult child. From toddlerhood on, nothing made him happy. He was a tantrumer. Screaming, bloody-murder tantrums lasting 45 minutes or longer ... like 5-6 per day. I can't tell you how much "advice" I received. Nothing worked. My instinct told me that increasing punishment was not the answer - it was only making him more angry and more out of control. We later found out about his sensory processing issues. See, there was no way to punish that out of him. Once we started therapy to address it, he became an easy kid to be around. Now, he is such a joy. People who have known us a long time comment on how he is such a great kid to be around.

 

Many moons ago, I had read in Dr. Sears' book that children who feel right, act right and this was proof for me.

 

I am not claiming to be a perfect parent or have all the answers. All I know is that deep down in my bones, I felt that spanking felt wrong. However, I do have teens who know right from wrong, who want to behave rightly and when they don't, I get to the bottom of "why" because it usually is an indication of something else that needs to be addressed.

 

I guess the principle of mutual respect is key in our household.

[Audrey]

Ds will be 10 next month. Never spanked.

 

I've never needed to give more than a firm talking-to and loss of priviledges. Family ethics are very clearly defined in our household. Ds has always understood this. He's no little angel, but he's not a troublesome kid either. Maybe I'm just lucky that way. :mellow:

Edited July 2, 2009 by Audrey

[Plucky]

I choose not to spank. I have wonderful friends and family that have delightful children that do spank. They are great families. I also choose not to feel superior because I don't spank.

[KingM]

I just don't value terribly the opinion of inexperienced parents.

 

I don't even know what this means. In the first place, it takes most first time parents about two weeks to go from, "What am I supposed to do with this thing?" to bleary-eyed, jaded, been-there-done-that. It's a crash course. Anyone on this board is an experienced parent by definition.

 

In the second place, each and every kid is different. You never really learn how to parent children, you learn how to parent this child. Oh, and you probably screw up constantly. At least I do.

 

My oldest is thirteen, my youngest is three and I'm still just making it up as I go along.

[Alice]

I don't even know what this means. In the first place, it takes most first time parents about two weeks to go from, "What am I supposed to do with this thing?" to bleary-eyed, jaded, been-there-done-that. It's a crash course. Anyone on this board is an experienced parent by definition.

 

In the second place, each and every kid is different. You never really learn how to parent children, you learn how to parent this child. Oh, and you probably screw up constantly. At least I do.

 

My oldest is thirteen, my youngest is three and I'm still just making it up as I go along.

 

:iagree:

 

I'd fall into the "inexperienced parent" category by the OP's definition as my kids are little. But one thing I have realized even in my inexperience is that every child is different and even what worked perfectly with the first one won't work at all with the second. And I already can see how many more mistakes I made with the first one. Maybe that's why the whole first child inheriting started...they needed a reward for all the mistakes their inexperienced parents made with them.

Edited July 2, 2009 by Alice

[TracyR]

My daughters are 11,9,6,and 2yrs old.

I can count on one hand almost the number of times I've ever had to give a spanking, and it goes to my oldest. She was my one who would quietly escape from the house and go up the road in a matter of seconds. Or try running out to the street. Those times did require a swat on the bum because I'd rather do that then have her get hit by a car. She was my only one to not comply when I would tell her no when it came to running out iin the road. But it didn't happen but maybe a couple of times in her life. My other girls I really don't remember spanking at all. My youngest has "lucked" out because of health issues so she has never experienced a 'spanking'.

 

All in all we talk through what is going on. On rare occasions time outs. But now they are the ages they are I have found no need to spank. I really don't. Nor do occasions happen to often that warrent punishment anyways. I am proud to say they are really good kids.

[OH_Homeschooler]

Just out of curiousity, all of those out there who "don't spank" or think it is just the most horrific thing ever, how old are your kids?

 

I just want to say that I will gladly listen to someone who has raised kids to be quite old without spanking. Heck, I may even listen intently. However, when your oldest child is like 3-4, please don't talk to me about not spanking. From birth to 4, I am not really sure I had a need to spank EITHER of my kids. Spanking was something that came into play as they got older and other methods did not work.

 

Since we are listing pet peeves, one of mine is having someone who has only been a parent for a few years tell me all about parenting. My oldest son is 10 - I have been at this for a bit...and there are others who are much more experienced than I am as well (though perhaps not as experienced with the *type* of child that my older son is). I am just saying...it may be a good idea to sit back and listen if you have little kids and have only just begun your parenting journey....

 

Although my kids are still quite young and I am therefore terribly inexperienced according to you, I was raised in a home where there was no spanking and I have adopted the non-violence approach. So while I am a new parent, I've seen parents do it without a problem--my own.

 

Yes, I have gotten extremely angry over my children's behavior, and scared for their safety at times. But I have not resorted to spanking and I cannot imagine a time when I will.

[Pamela H in Texas]

how old are your kids?

 

Hi Rebecca :) My kids are 14 (April) and 16 (til Sept). I'll be honest. One of my kids is probably literally THE easiest child on the face of the earth. The other? Well, let's just say that between fostering, child care, and parent coaching, I've only had 2 that even came close in regards to challenge. Honestly, I think there were benefits for both child and me that it was more difficult, especially when kiddo was younger. Anyone can be a "perfect parent" when their kids are naturally easy. :)

 

Anyway, like I said in the other thread, it truly is about disciplining, not what punishment one may or may not use. Anyone who spanks or doesn't spank is going to have difficulty with a normal or difficult child if they don't discipline well. Discipline (teaching/guiding) is essential.

 

Both my kids are absolutely wonderful and anyone that meets them thinks the same. They are responsible, thinking, contributing members of society. They are healthy and happy. They are capable and self-disciplined. I'm very happy to be their mother.

Edited July 2, 2009 by 2J5M9K

[Laura Corin]

12 and 9. I've never spanked them.

 

Laura

Edited July 2, 2009 by Laura Corin

[rafiki]

.

[hsmom3tn]

I choose not to spank my kids (11, 9, and 9). but have no judgements against those that do. It's just a personal decision that I made because of the way I was brought up. My mother used to BEAT me, a lot, whenever she was angry at pretty much anyone for pretty much any reason. I am afraid of losing control of myself that way. When my oldest was between 2-4 yo, I did spank him. When I realized that I was spanking him too much and it was out of my own anger, I stopped and have not done it again. Nor have I spanked my girls. There have been a few times that they have made me mad enough to want to hit them, but I don't.

 

I use other forms of punishment, like writing sentences, loss of priveliges, being grounded to their rooms unable to do anything, etc., and we have discussions about their behavior when necessary. Overall, they're pretty good kids, and the only real problems that I have with them are the occasional back talk or mouthing off (so far). They do get punished for this type of behavior, but I know that I don't always speak to them in the way that I should. I need to work harder on that :(

[Desert Rat]

9 and 6. I've spanked. But not the way you're supposed to, I think. Meaning calmly and with a level head. The times I've spanked haven't been either of those. So, I moved over to the non-spanking camp but still agree that some kids might need a spank to get on the right track.

[Danestress]

Tried it a few times, didn't feel right about it. I'm not interested in telling you you are a bad Mom if you do - I'm not interested in Mommy wars. If you feel it works for you, I won't argue with that (though honestly, spanking kids who are still toddlers makes me just cringe).

 

I will also say that I always shrug when people say they don't want to hear parenting advice from those who don't have children or have children that are younger than theirs. While there is nothing like experience, there is also something to be said for perspective. My sister has no kids, and sometimes I sort of snicker at her ideas about child raising. But sometimes she sees things that honestly I am blind to because I am "too close" to the situation. I know people who have very young children and have more parenting wisdom in one finger than some of the Moms I know with a real nestful but who just never really seem to gain wisdom.

 

ETA that I was not really an attachment parent. I nursed a long time, but didn't co sleep or wear my children in a sling much (there were two of them, and I wore each of them some, but probably not "enough.") I am in most ways not an indulgent mother, though I am pretty patient and gentle. My "no" means "heck no and don't ask again" and I am pretty quick to "nip" bad behavior in the bud. I did try punitive type punishment with my oldest (ie lost privileges) and it worked in some areas more than others. I don't have all the answers. I just didn't want to be a spanking kind of Mom and found that I didn't have to be. One of my children was VERY challenging. The others were relatively easy, or would have seemed so if they had come one at a time. If someone asked me "is it better to give a quick swat on the butt or to yell" I probably would go for the swat. I really really think it's tears a child up to have a yelling Mom who uses an ugly tone of voice, and that stuff doesn't seem to stop with kids as they get older.

Edited July 2, 2009 by Danestress