s/o - all you "non-spankers"...

[Veritaserum]

My oldest is 9.

[hsmamainva]

I've never spanked my kids. They're 18, 15, 9 and 7.

 

I'm of a like mind with the other poster (Satori, I think it was). I also raised my children using attachment parenting techniques (family bed, positive discipline, extended breastfeeding, etc.).

 

I was extremely active in LaLeche League when my children were babies (I'm a retired Leader and co-led a group for almost 15 years).

 

Of course, now that my youngest is 7, the attachment phase is pretty much over! No more nurslings or children in the bed...just one hubby! :)

 

I've always tried to view my children as individuals and I treat them as such. They need to be guided and praised when they do good things, and when they would misbehave, we'd use natural consequences (i.e., if you don't wear a coat on a chilly day, you're going to be cold....or if you spill the pitcher of juice, you'll clean it up and make more....if you refuse to share the toy, then it's taken away and the *toy* is placed in time-out until you agree to play nicely, etc.).

 

It's certainly taught me to think very creatively over the years, that's for sure! ;)

 

I really don't have any issues, now that my half of my children are teenagers! My oldest has been a community college student for two years. We haven't had issues with drugs, smoking, drinking, etc....she has a boyfriend and they're quite serious, but he's a polite young man and treats my daughter with respect. So I'm happy with how she turned out, now that she's an adult.

[Sweetpeach]

Almost 11, 9, 6.

 

Spanked ds#1 until he was 3ish. Realized this wasn't working at all. Found Joanne and her GOYB parenting style. Researched more about Grace-Based Parenting.

 

Happy to say that the other two haven't been spanked.

 

I'm not a wimpy mother. I think spanking is unnecessary and it deeply offends me.

 

Yup, I'm one of "those" parents who thinks sand boxes can be tightly drawn without using physical force as the punishment. It's just a whole lot more work for the parents. Disicpline = to teach. I can't imagine how spanking could ever be used as an effective teaching tool. It's very effectively used as a "don't do that ever again" tool, but the heart-level of being in relationship with your children, I really don't think spanking gets you anywhere.

 

I spanked my first . . . for a stretch . . . but that yucky residue in my heart told me that I had to change my tactics.

 

I'm forever thankful that I found Joanne's site via the WTM board.

 

Warmly, Tricia

Edited July 2, 2009 by Sweetpeach
Getting of my soapbox and being more polite :)

[kmacnchs]

I know I am one of the young moms who should listen and not give an opinion but what are message boards for? :) With my children and friends' children what I have found is that those who are not consistent have unruly children who are not blessings. Those who are consistent have the opposite. I have never known anyone who is consistent and does not spank, actually, but those who spank only when they are going off the deep end or don't spank but yell, the results have not been good. With mine, I have found that consistency of "nipping it in the bud" rather than reminding, warning, yelling, timeout, and then spanking when I am pulling my hair out has much better results.

 

I agree with VT mom. I start spanking around 18 mo. (when they start having a will) and hopefully will not have to spank past 5 (basically what I have seen in neighboring families). I try to discipline as soon as the first offense happens, which teaches them there is no testing mom and then I am able to deal with it before I get emotionally upset.

 

Who would have thought that 2 1/2 was my favorite age so far? I thought we were done spanking then because my daughter had learned what was acceptable and what was not...then 3 hit where she knows what is right but just chooses to not do it. This frustrates my husband but I hear that's what happens at 3...we also limit ourselves (more or less) to spank as many as their age. I was raised in an abusive home and it is a good check for me...anyway, that's my "young mom opinion":D

[NorthwestMom]

I agree with what Joanne said upthread. I am a former teacher who, rightly so, never physically disciplined students. I have continued to use the same techniques with my own kids, who are 10, 7, and 4. My kids are well behaved and I enjoy spending my days with them.

 

Without creating a long post, I will say that the behavior techniques I use the most are preteaching (telling my youngest I expect her to walk - not run, not twirl - just before we enter the store), compliments for correct behavior, and time outs or loss of privileges for poor behavior.

[Veritaserum]

Without creating a long post, I will say that the behavior techniques I use the most are preteaching (telling my youngest I expect her to walk - not run, not twirl - just before we enter the store), compliments for correct behavior, and time outs or loss of privileges for poor behavior.

 

I learned to adopt such techniques from my MIL, who has taught elementary school for 15 years. They work. :)

[Stacy in NJ]

:D

 

ETA: I don't know if it's relevant for not, but we don't do attachment parenting either; never could, never would

Edited July 2, 2009 by Stacy in NJ
more

[Janet in WA]

Our sons are: 31, 24, and 22.

 

We are reformed spankers. Spanked our oldest. Didn't spank the younger two. We were all much happier and more successful when we found other methods of discipline and stopped spanking. If we had it to do over again, we wouldn't spank the oldest (yes, VERY challenging) son either. It's as simple as that in our family. YMMV.

[6packofun]

I can count on one hand almost the number of times I've ever had to give a spanking, and it goes to my oldest.

 

This kind of comment confuses me the most by those who call themselves non-spankers. The times one has "had to give a spanking..." seems to imply a necessity. ??

 

Are those who are non-spankers but have still spanked "only X amount of times" losing self-control and spanking in anger every time? Was it right only in a very rare, specific moment?

[Karen in CO]

19, 8, 4

Spanked the oldest once and it was not out of loss of control, it was a carefully thought disicplining decision. After that I reevaluated what I think of spanking. I grew up with parents that spanked very infrequently and never in anger or loss of control. I always thought it was a good part of good parenting. I have never spanked since the first time. I Never the found a reason to spank since then.

Edited July 2, 2009 by Karen in CO

[Guest Virginia Dawn]

We do not even let our children cry!

.

 

I'm confused. How do you not let a child cry? Does that mean you don't permit it? If so, how do you deal with times they cry just because they want to? Am I reading this wrong?

[melissel]

I'm confused. How do you not let a child cry? Does that mean you don't permit it? If so, how do you deal with times they cry just because they want to? Am I reading this wrong?

 

She's saying that we treat a child's cry as a call for help or expression of a need. We don't let babies cry themselves to sleep, for example. We might define a child crying "just because they want to" very differently.

[WishboneDawn]

10 (11 in a few days) and 7. I did spank but gave it up because it did nothing and only happened when I lost control, not the kids.

 

In my experience spanking is just what happened when I was at a loss and as I worked at learning other strategies then it quickly became obsolete.

[LibraryLover]

I would give my dh as another example. He was never touched in anger. He changed his father's diapers at the end of his life, and was there with his sibs by their father's bedside when he died. One day when he was bathing his father, his dad started crying and recalled a time when he yelled at dh for something trivial. He said how sorry he was. My dh remembered it because it was so rare. Yet he told his father, "I don't remember you ever yelling at me. I remember you always being very patient with us". That was the greatest gift he could give his father, I think.

Edited July 6, 2009 by LibraryLover

[Guest Virginia Dawn]

How would that work if you had a baby who would not respond to anything every evening at 10 o'clock, and just screamed for half an hour before he went to sleep, but was perfectly fine and healthy?

 

What about toddlers whose only reason for crying is they didn't get what they want but can't have, and they refuse to be consoled?

 

I still don't see how someone can say they don't permit their children to cry. Those must be some unusual children.

[Tree House Academy]

Your use of quotation marks around the words 'don't spank' is confusing to me. Are you inferring that we do actually spank in some way? Or is it meant to indicate derision with the concept? Or am I reading too much into your decision to use the quotation marks?

 

It is meant as a quotation from the other thread because parents said "We don't spank" and that was the group to which I was referring. Wow - that was some fancy extrapolating you were doing there. :lol:

[Nakia]

How would that work if you had a baby who would not respond to anything every evening at 10 o'clock, and just screamed for half an hour before he went to sleep, but was perfectly fine and healthy?

 

What about toddlers whose only reason for crying is they didn't get what they want but can't have, and they refuse to be consoled?

 

I still don't see how someone can say they don't permit their children to cry. Those must be some unusual children.

 

I wish I could answer. We practiced AP parenting, thought I guess not to the extent some people do. What I mean is, my babies slept with me, nursed on demand and for much longer than most, and were in a sling much of the time. I honestly never had a baby that cried for no reason and could not be consoled. I was very blessed. My OBGYN and his wife have six children, and they parent much the same way my husband and I do. He said that all of their children were great babies. He told me that calm and happy parents have calm and happy babies. I don't know about that! I am sorry for people that have fussy babies! Please don't put yourself down or wonder what you could have done differently. We all do the best we can!

 

BTW, my girls have all had their moments, it just happened when they were toddlers, not babies. I will let a toddler just cry if I can't figure out what is wrong. I think toddlers are a whole different ballgame! They are some challenging little monsters sometimes. But most of the time, I can figure it out. Also my girls have all been very verbal from around the age of one year. I think that also makes a huge difference.

Edited July 2, 2009 by Nakia

[Tree House Academy]

I choose not to spank. I have wonderful friends and family that have delightful children that do spank. They are great families. I also choose not to feel superior because I don't spank.

 

 

Thank you! That was very well said and kind. :grouphug:

[Satori]

Virginia, my baby cried the first night she was home from being born. Then for ease of nighttime nursing, I setup a family bed, and she has never cried at night since. I don't even think she cried the one time she was sick and throwing up at night. If she cried as a baby, I would nurse her or change her diaper. I'm not saying that she never cried, but when she did I would try to figure out why and attend to her needs.

 

I can't imagine AP is for every family, I consider myself not like the mainstream, so I never push it on anyone. It just made my life easier.

 

Now that she is older, she has other ways of expressing her needs. But she might cry if she stubbed her toe. Or cry from watching a sad movie. Or cry when her grandma leaves after visiting from out of town. Those times, I hug her. She might pout (like a sad face) if she wants something she can't have though.

Edited July 2, 2009 by Satori

[Tree House Academy]

I don't even know what this means. In the first place, it takes most first time parents about two weeks to go from, "What am I supposed to do with this thing?" to bleary-eyed, jaded, been-there-done-that. It's a crash course. Anyone on this board is an experienced parent by definition.

 

In the second place, each and every kid is different. You never really learn how to parent children, you learn how to parent this child. Oh, and you probably screw up constantly. At least I do.

 

My oldest is thirteen, my youngest is three and I'm still just making it up as I go along.

 

 

What I mean by that is that I don't necessarily want parenting advice from someone whose oldest child is under 3 or 4. I have more years of experience parenting *this* child than that. I do actually enjoy hearing the experiences and opinions of parents who have BTDT - raised kids to be teens or better and done things one way. Those are the examples where I can look and say, "wow...that really did work for that family."

 

The bottom line...there are a lot of things I said I'd never do as a first time, new parent. 99.999% of those things, I did in the first 5 years!

[Sparkle]

Non-spanker (I guess I should say reformed spanker) with 13, 12, 9, and 6 year olds.

 

I did spank my two oldest when they were little, and I deeply regret that. I think it has affected my relationship with my oldest son detrimentally to this day, although I doubt if he remembers being spanked.

 

Now I use other forms of discipline when necessary, and I very rarely have to punish. My kids are very well behaved and a pleasure to be around for the most part.

 

It took me a while to get to this point. I had poor role models for parenting, and spanking probably was my first resort when I first had kids. I hated myself when I spanked though. Fortunately for me I made friends with some non-spanking moms and I also discovered the Gentle Christian Mothers board, and they helped me change, and I feel, become a much better parent.

 

I do have to say, that if I chose to spank, I would absolutely use it with younger children, say 2-5 years, and not any older.

[Heather in OK]

Mine are 11, 9, 6, and 3.

 

I didn't mention in the other thread but we did use spanking with our first two. After a while I came to the realization that it just didn't make sense to do it and wasn't really teaching anything.

 

 

I find most times when someone is out and about with little ones, and they are misbehaving, it's because too much is being asked of them. We live in a modern world, yet our babies/young children are still primitive in their needs. They want to be held close or allowed to roam with someone near by, have routine, etc. Meeting these needs are not always possible, and often adults have had little exposure to the needs of little ones when they were young adults, so when they have kids, they don't know what the heck to do with them.

 

I guess, ask yourself. If you had a boss, and every time you messed up, he/she slapped your hand, how long would you stay at that job?

 

Parenting w/o spanking is possible, and having well behaved kids. It just takes work. Spanking, slapping, yelling is the gut reaction easy way, but often it leads to more misbehavior and resentment.

I 100% agree with you Jenny. Very well said.

 

Joanne ~ I love your website! Great information you have there.

[Tree House Academy]

 

Oh... and my pet peeve is:

 

deliberate obtuseness.

 

Definition of obtuse - Lacking quickness of perception or intellect. Exactly, in what way would you like to explain that I am slow and ignorant? I'd love to hear it!

 

I experienced a bit of what your dh did as well as some decent spankings as a child and I am not all jaded by the experience like you are. I have more control over myself that to go off beating my kids. I am NOT my father.

 

And I am just blown away that you would "rather not have the best behaved kids" but know that you never spanked them. That just sounds ...obtuse... to me.

[HRAAB]

Hi Rebecca :) My kids are 14 (April) and 16 (til Sept). I'll be honest. One of my kids is probably literally THE easiest child on the face of the earth. The other? Well, let's just say that between fostering, child care, and parent coaching, I've only had 2 that even came close in regards to challenge. Honestly, I think there were benefits for both child and me that it was more difficult, especially when kiddo was younger. Anyone can be a "perfect parent" when their kids are naturally easy. :)

 

Anyway, like I said in the other thread, it truly is about disciplining, not what punishment one may or may not use. Anyone who spanks or doesn't spank is going to have difficulty with a normal or difficult child if they don't discipline well. Discipline (teaching/guiding) is essential.

 

Both my kids are absolutely wonderful and anyone that meets them thinks the same. They are responsible, thinking, contributing members of society. They are healthy and happy. They are capable and self-disciplined. I'm very happy to be their mother.

 

:iagree:

 

Janet

[LibraryLover]

Even though we have never spanked, I can't rule out the kids never needing therapy. :tongue_smilie:

 

But I don't have a therapy fund. I hope having been well educated they can find jobs with good and comphrehensive health care. Dental, Mental, just the whole shebang.

[Julie in Austin]

I've never spanked and they are 11, 8 this month, and 4.5.

 

(But I'm not hugely judgmental of people who occasionally use mild spanking, either.)

[Carrie12345]

 

In my experience spanking is just what happened when I was at a loss and as I worked at learning other strategies then it quickly became obsolete.

 

I've been thinking about this all afternoon.

 

My own parents didn't really spank. My father always told me he spanked me one time when I was in elementary school, but I have no recollection of it (so I assume that experience stuck with him way more than with me!).

My point being, spanking was never modeled to me. It seems to have come from nowhere.

 

My 2yo (never spanked) went through a short hitting phase. When I think about the times he hit, I see that each time was an attempt to convey a message, whether it was just that he wanted to be understood or that he wanted someone to do something. At the time, he had no other tools. He went with an instinct/urge born out of (in his case) frustration.

 

Today, he's much more verbal and much more cognizant. We can usually understand what he's trying to tell us or ask us. He knows that saying "please" gets a greater response than a "gimme". He's developed the tools to elicit the desired response more times than not.

 

I just figure that, if my 2yo can figure all that out, I should be able to as well. Do I always? No. But I really, really try. And now that I've worked through all of that in my head, I hope to start doing it even better!

[Amy loves Bud]

My older two will be 11 and 9 in August, the baby will be 2 on Saturday. We've never spanked.

 

I've also never read a parenting book (at least not that I recall). We did cosleep some, and I breastfed all three till at least a year. Had the babies in the hospital, two with drugs, the third without. We selectively vaccinate. All this to say that I think we're kind of middle of the road parents.

 

We have standards in our home that we expect the children to adhere to in an age appropriate manner. When we have seen behavior heading in a direction we haven't liked, we've stepped in as early as possible. Very few times have we reached the stage of having to punish rather than redirect, and those few times, mostly in the toddler years, a brief time out worked wonders as I regrouped and realized I needed to head that behavior off next time.

 

Our children are well-liked by their peers as well as adults. We are complimented on their behavior frequently and have been told by several spanking friends how glad they are that our children are friends with theirs.

 

So I'm pretty comfortable with the fact that we don't spank.

Edited July 2, 2009 by Amy loves Bud
because I made a grammar mistake with the very first word argh

[vkay]

It's not that I ever set out "not to spank", it just is something that I can't bring myself to do. I was the product of a spanker, probably borderline abuse, but what I remember most from my childhood: 1. fear/confusion/hurt emotionally etc. 2. The times that I was spoken to with language, reasoned with, explained to me why my actions were wrong & how they impacted others....those are the times that had the most impact on me. So in my gut, it's just the way I react now to situations. Not planned - instinctual.

 

I think as parents, we all just do the best we can and we each have our own style. There are many ways to accomplish the same thing. I do cringe when I see or hear about spanking, but mainly because it makes the little girl in me react because of baggage.

 

And for the record, my kids are very well behaved. I get compliments all the time from friends, neighbors, and even strangers in restaurants. So well behaved kids can come out of non-spanking environments. But who knows, maybe it's a genetic personality type of thing and some kids might need that extra discipline. :confused1: You know what I mean....maybe it's nature and not nurture. ??

[Guest Virginia Dawn]

Virginia, my baby cried the first night she was home from being born. Then for ease of nighttime nursing, I setup a family bed, and she has never cried at night since. I don't even think she cried the one time she was sick and throwing up at night. If she cried as a baby, I would nurse her or change her diaper. I'm not saying that she never cried, but when she did I would try to figure out why and attend to her needs.

 

I can't imagine AP is for every family, I consider myself not like the mainstream, so I never push it on anyone. It just made my life easier.

 

Now that she is older, she has other ways of expressing her needs. But she might cry if she stubbed her toe. Or cry from watching a sad movie. Or cry when her grandma leaves after visiting from out of town. Those times, I hug her. She might pout (like a sad face) if she wants something she can't have though.

 

I think that phrase "don't permit your child to cry" should be changed to be made more clear. It is obvious that what you mean is "don't ignore your child's cries and they will cry less." That is very different from not giving your child permission to cry, which sounds rather harsh. Permission implies rules and consequences. The phraseology is very misleading.

 

Also my second son was nursed on demand and co-slept, he was a very happy child, except for every night at 10. Then he cried non-stop till he fell asleep. I tried every thing. Then I decided what he needed was permission to cry. :001_smile:

 

I think you have been very fortunate, and I see you only have one young child. Not all children are so willingly appeased.

[Mommyof4ks]

Even though we have never spanked, I can't rule out the kids never needing therapy. :tongue_smilie:

 

But I don't have a therapy fund. I hope having been well educated they can find jobs with good and comphrehensive health care. Dental, Mental, just the whole shebang.

 

LOL! We do spank, but that won't be why my kids need therapy! Medical issues that led to nearly loosing our youngest and the kids living with constant fear that he may get a cold and not live, now that may require therapy. Hopefully mine will get those good healthcare plans too!

 

This thread is interesting. At least one person (sorry I cannot remember the whole thread) mentioned that spanking caused distance between parent and child. I am really curious about this (really, not being ugly at all). My middle son gets spankings for safety issues, because talking to him does not seem to drive home the fact that sticking a screw driver in the electrical outlet is very dangerous (it is a way for him to be constructive). He is the child that is constantly in my lap even at 5 and he loves to snuggle with both myself and my husband. Is he just not to the age that this is causing a rift? He has not needed a spanking in months, so maybe he is finally learning that we are serious when we talk to him? My oldest is 9 so I still have alot to learn lol.

[Carol in Cal.]

Never have done so.

 

I think that I'm stricter than most parents I know, and more consistent as well, so DD is still pleasant to be around.

 

I never ruled spanking out completely, thinking that if there was a serious safety issue that really needed to be dealt with, that would be one way to approach it, but I preferred to avoid it.

 

I have hit her hand pretty sternly a few times in the 'don't suck your fingers' wars--more or less batting it out of her mouth after repeated other approaches had failed to produce any results. I think that in her whole life I batted her behind one time on two different, serious occasions. That's it, and that's not spanking in any sense of the word that I am familiar with.

 

I think that really, more than anything, I have an easy kid who has decent self-control, and a willingness to follow through in other ways than physically, so I have been able to avoid this while still maintaining true discipline.

 

I think that using physical punishment should be avoided but not banned, but that there are much wiser and even more clever ways to go that have better ultimate results and that are more transferrable to adult life. After all, what employers or courts hit people anymore? Spanking seems pretty vestigal to me, generally. But I defend parents' legal rights to do it, while wishing that some of them would try harder not to do so.

Edited July 2, 2009 by Carol in Cal.

[melissel]

How would that work if you had a baby who would not respond to anything every evening at 10 o'clock, and just screamed for half an hour before he went to sleep, but was perfectly fine and healthy?

 

What about toddlers whose only reason for crying is they didn't get what they want but can't have, and they refuse to be consoled?

 

I still don't see how someone can say they don't permit their children to cry. Those must be some unusual children.

 

Ah, I see what you were asking. I tend to say we don't let our kids cry because people would constantly tell me, "You just need to let them cry!" in the sense of, don't go in to tend to them or comfort them or they'll be spoiled. Of course some babies have phases like that (I am so lucky that my two were easily consoled by being carried or nursed, and I am grateful for it!), and there's not much you can do. My response was more along the lines of, if the baby/child cries, I go get her and do my best to comfort her.

[amy g.]

My children are almost 15, 13, 10 and 2. I mentioned on the other thread that I spanked the oldest once when she was 2. What is really crazy is that I was really frustrated with her dad, but he wasn't there, and she was....well, acting like a 2 year old.

 

I never spanked anyone again. My oldest was very challenging for me even though I was an older parent with a degree in early childhood education. It turns out that she has a whole collection of special needs that we were unaware of at the time. I'm so thankful now that I never tried to break her will or force her into obedience. She is just amazing now. She is so patient and hard working and just virtuous in every way I can think of.

 

My next two children never needed to be disciplined much. I don't remember them ever needing to go to time-out or anything.

 

My youngest is like no child I have ever met. If any kid begs for a smart bottom, it is that one, but my conscience just won't let me do it. Finally, we are seeing the pay off of our working with her and reasoning with her. For the first time, I feel confident that she is going to be just as respectful and well-behaved as my older children.

 

The way that we raise our children takes a huge amount of time and energy from everyone in my family. I wouldn't blame anyone who said, "I'm just not willing to do all of that." I'm thankful to be able to raise them the way that makes sense to me.

 

I'm really not against other parents spanking. I agree with Impish that it is MUCH better than unparenting. I just don't have the stomach for it.

[AnneGabe]

b

Edited September 6, 2023 by AnneGabe
privacy

[RegularMom]

My reference to deliberate obtuseness actually didn't really refer to you at all. To be specific in today's posts, I found the post that referred to "being from the North" and then the subsequent posts claiming confusion as to why people were offended by the geographical reference to be deliberately obtuse. It wasn't actually anything that you'd said in your post here. You said to state your pet peeve, so I did.

 

And for the record, I don't feel "jaded" about my childhood experiences with the spoon. I just feel strongly that spanking is the least preferrable method of disciplining children. I find it fascinating how people who spank often seem to feel sorry for me because they think I've been turned off of the Proper Method of Disciplining My Children because of the improper spankings I had. They say to me: oh, you poor thing. Spanking just isn't an option for Someone Like You. What they don't realize is that I CHOOSE NOT TO SPANK BECAUSE I THINK IT'S WRONG.

 

Well, whatever.

 

But, you go on ahead and make all the assumptions you'd like as to my obtuseness, if it'll make you feel better. Or chalk it all up to my lack of depth and experience because my kids are still so young.

 

Wow.

[JennifersLost]

I've come to realize over the years that families - both parents and children - are very different, and that there is always more than one way to "do it right".

 

I know unschoolers who have flourished, but I know I can't do it with my own family; mostly, because I don't thrive in spontenaity. I do nothing on the spot - if I don't plan, it doesn't happen.

 

The same with the shared bed/separate bed thing. I know some families who thrived in a shared bed arrangement. I tried it with my kids and we did NOT thrive! I kept each child by my bedside for a few weeks in a bassinet and then gradually moved them further and further away until they were in a separate room. I think my problem is that I snore. So, the baby would fall asleep. I'd fall asleep. I'd start to snore. the baby would wake up. I'd wake up...And if I don't get 8 hours of sleep, I'm a bear - and no one's happy.

 

The same with spanking. I have four kids. I can't even remember the last time I spanked anyone; they're all way too big. I spanked when they were toddlers - just a few times with each one, and only for major offenses. (Like biting me) I never beat anyone; just a smack on a toddler's bottom.

 

Now, I have some friends who preferred to explain to their toddlers. And explain. And explain. And explain. And they're still explaining to their 16 year olds.....

 

I don't have the patience for that. During the period of time I tried the explaining method I found that we were all miserable. My kids didn't want explaining; they wanted rules. And at 3 or so, they sometimes needed a clear demonstration of the boundaries.

 

Let's face it; 3 year olds don't care about consequences, but most four year olds and up, do. As soon as they make that switch, parenting becomes easy and you don't need to spank anymore.

 

Anyway, I think the "different families" analogy holds here, to. Some people have the energy for the explaining and modeling. Some don't. And in the end, the kids grow up just fine....

[Tree House Academy]

I've done a lot of thinking about how I raise her. The quote at the beginning of the thread about parents with young children don't bother responding because you don't have experience (I'm paraphrasing)... that really got a fire lit under my butt.

HOW DARE YOU? I can honestly say I've spent years of my time planning and considering and praying and actively thinking about raising my children.

 

 

How dare I? Sorry, but :lol:.

 

What I asked was how old the kids of the non-spaking group were. I wanted to hear from people who had older kids that they had effectively used this with (older than my kids).

 

And I think it is wonderful and great that you have done research and planned, but nothing prepares you for the real thing. Like I said before...I said I wouldn't do a lot of things, but then I did them. What you say and plan to do are nothing compared to what you ACTUALLY do when the time comes. So...my statement stands.

[JennifersLost]

Oh, and just to make myself really unpopular, the idea that a child never should cry makes my skin crawl with horror.

 

Imagine if at the end of your day you tried to express the fact that you were tired and your husband said, "Shhhhh!"

 

And then the next time you tried to explain how you felt he picked you up and rocked you but wouldn't let you say a WORD.

 

And no matter how much you just needed to express yourself, he kept doing whatever it took to shut you up - by feeding you, sticking a bottle in your mouth, changing your clothes and bouncing you up and down.

 

YIKES!!!

 

Of course you should comfort your baby as much as possible, but to imagine that a baby should go through its first year without ever crying? Dear me.

[Tree House Academy]

I feel like I was a bit offensive and defensive in this reply. I wish I hadn't been but I was put off by the OP and her judgement of mothers with young children. ....see through my hurt and anger and sensitivity of feeling attacked.

 

I never attacked mothers of younger kids. I said that I wanted to hear from moms of OLDER kids who have been parenting without spanking for a good number of years...and I even explained that by saying that there were a lot of things I thought I would never do...said I would never do and then I did. I also didn't spank my very young kids. It was not until they were over 4 or 5 that I even felt the need. So, again, no, I didn't care to hear from mom's whose oldest children were under 4. This was NOT because I think mothers of young children are bad or whatever...I just don't care to hear how to parent a 4 year old when I am dealing with 6 and 10 year olds. You have NO IDEA what challenges older kids bring until you have raised one (or two).

 

So...I do not retract my statement. I would offer apologies, but it would be one of those generic "sorry that you were hurt by what I said" kind of things because I am surely not sorry for stating it and that is the way I still feel.

[Tree House Academy]

My reference to deliberate obtuseness actually didn't really refer to you at all. To be specific in today's posts, I found the post that referred to "being from the North" and then the subsequent posts claiming confusion as to why people were offended by the geographical reference to be deliberately obtuse. It wasn't actually anything that you'd said in your post here. You said to state your pet peeve, so I did.

 

And for the record, I don't feel "jaded" about my childhood experiences with the spoon. I just feel strongly that spanking is the least preferrable method of disciplining children. I find it fascinating how people who spank often seem to feel sorry for me because they think I've been turned off of the Proper Method of Disciplining My Children because of the improper spankings I had. They say to me: oh, you poor thing. Spanking just isn't an option for Someone Like You. What they don't realize is that I CHOOSE NOT TO SPANK BECAUSE I THINK IT'S WRONG.

 

Well, whatever.

 

But, you go on ahead and make all the assumptions you'd like as to my obtuseness, if it'll make you feel better. Or chalk it all up to my lack of depth and experience because my kids are still so young.

 

Wow.

 

 

LOL. Sorry, but it makes me laugh. I am not going to keep defending my post about wanting to hear from parents who had been not spanking for a long time. You have young kids - okay, so tell me how you deal with a 10 year old. Tell me some of the challenges a 10 year old poses. Please, tell me that you effectively got through the age of 10 or 12 or whatever without using any means of physical punishment. Oh wait...you can't tell me that because you don't have kids that age. Okay, point made.

[AnneGabe]

b

Edited September 6, 2023 by AnneGabe
privacy

[Carrie12345]

LOL. Sorry, but it makes me laugh. I am not going to keep defending my post about wanting to hear from parents who had been not spanking for a long time. You have young kids - okay, so tell me how you deal with a 10 year old. Tell me some of the challenges a 10 year old poses. Please, tell me that you effectively got through the age of 10 or 12 or whatever without using any means of physical punishment. Oh wait...you can't tell me that because you don't have kids that age. Okay, point made.

 

And you shouldn't have to. Your request made perfect sense. :)

 

I have a question though. What about children who DON'T comply, despite spankings? What then? Would alternative means be used, or would the child be left to act as they please?

[Soyrizo]

My oldest is 7 years old, and she can be very difficult at times. We've always practiced attachment parenting, and yes, sometimes I have no clue what to do with her because she is a handful and a half. But physical punishment just does not work for us.

[Imprimis]

I find most times when someone is out and about with little ones, and they are misbehaving, it's because too much is being asked of them. We live in a modern world, yet our babies/young children are still primitive in their needs. They want to be held close or allowed to roam with someone near by, have routine, etc. Meeting these needs are not always possible, and often adults have had little exposure to the needs of little ones when they were young adults, so when they have kids, they don't know what the heck to do with them.

 

I guess, ask yourself. If you had a boss, and every time you messed up, he/she slapped your hand, how long would you stay at that job?

 

Parenting w/o spanking is possible, and having well behaved kids. It just takes work.

 

I really like how you put this, Jenny; I wholeheartedly agree.

[Sugarfoot]

My oldest is almost 14, followed by DD 11, DD almost 3, and DS almost 2.

 

In the past, I've had people tell me that I'm not being "biblical" in my position. Then the same people will later say, "Oh, my gosh, your kids are so GOOD. I wish my kids would behave like that.":confused:

 

It's work, for sure, but yeah, we've seen success.

[LibraryLover]

Even though you want to hear only from parents of older kids who have never spanked, I know many families with younger children who have never spanked and have decided that it's never going to be an option. I wouldn't be so sure to cut these sorts of families out 100%. Not everyone who says they won't spank starts spanking when faced with a challenging child. We didn't.

 

I've known many families like that. In fact, dh and I knew we would not spank before we had kids. Right from the get-go it wasn't an option for us. In the same way we knew we were not going to live off credit cards, or put an infant in full time day care, or live in a deeded community where we couldn't have a clothsline. ;) People do make absolute promises as a couple, and we did. I cannot imagine laying a hand in anger on my 10 yr old, and this is my 20th year of parenting. It's just not a part of who we are as a family.

 

OTOH, I also don't think a parent losing it and swatting a tot on a diaper-clad bum is reason to call CPS.

Edited July 3, 2009 by LibraryLover

[Catherine]

But I never allowed my kids to cry themselves to sleep. I couldn't handle it-I was a blubbering mess myself hearing their crying! It was kind of hard with my eldest, but we handled it by holding him, rocking (sometimes for long periods), bathing, nursing (again sometimes for long periods). I thought that building trust was far more important for the long term.

 

He's 16 now and whatever challenges he has, he is a caring, emphathetic, loving kid. I think that crying to sleep is a custom I never could have gotten used to. My gut just said not to do it.

[Guest Virginia Dawn]

Thank you, you have expressed exactly what I was feeling.

[Pamela H in Texas]

okay, so tell me how you deal with a 10 year old. Tell me some of the challenges a 10 year old poses. Please, tell me that you effectively got through the age of 10 or 12 or whatever without using any means of physical punishment.

 

Rebecca,

 

Two questions....

 

First, is this all hypothetical? Or are you struggling with the behavior of your 10yo?

 

Second, do you believe spanking is appropriate discipline for 10-12 yr olds? At what age is it inappropriate?