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25 yo man interested in 15 year old girl.


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#101 Quill

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 06:04 AM

I don't think it is necessarily the parents determining if it is a good match. I have known couples intheir late 30's to use a courtship instead of dating. Their parents were not in the picture at all


True; an adult can choose a courtship model for him or herself. I guess I was thinking of that specifically because of this particular thread. If the parents are fine with it and seem to be encouraging it, it seems probable to me that they are operating from a courtship model.

#102 Quill

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 06:12 AM

I don't want to reveal too much personal info here, but my own parents were very much of the thinking that the job of girls is to get married and raise a family. When I was extremely young, they permitted a guy who was much older than me to "be my boyfriend." I have often thought about that. I don't know why they didn't think it was seriously alarming that this guy was interested in "being my boyfriend."

i have a serious beef with raising girls with only the tools and focus to be good wives and mothers, although it is certainly great to be a wife and mother.
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#103 CJVW

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 06:20 AM

The usual "rule" is half the older age, plus seven. Let's see... 24/2 = 12. 12 + 7 = 19. THE AGE DIFFERENCE IS WAY TOO LARGE! OMG. (Also, getting physical is probably illegal in the US, though age of consent laws vary.)

I'm 40. My wife is 27. We have been together 8 years. By your formula, we shouldn't be together.

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#104 Elizabeth86

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 06:24 AM

Eh. You said you considered him stable and a good example until now. I'm not as horrified as the rest of you. Sorry. :)


It is ok, I'm not either. My parents married at 17 and 21 and have been married 53 years. People keep saying it is not ok in todays culture. To be honest I think the way the world runs today is a bit effed up honestly. I prefer the way things used to be.
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#105 CJVW

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 06:30 AM

The girl's age is much more of a concern to me than the age gap. I would say even 19 is too young, depending on the person. I had my son at 19 and grew up VERY quickly. However, I knew I was not ready for marriage, even with having a child. I had no business even being intimate with my circumstances.

I would be putting the breaks on everything immediately.

I'm 40. My wife is 27. We have been together 8 years. We started dating when she was 19....she is the child of two alcoholics and has been on her own since the age of 16. She worked darn near full time AND finished high school, driving over an hour to/from school while also playing on her school's soccer team.

Yes, the age difference has created some interesting opportunities to practice compromise and understanding, but we have made it work and have no regrets.

I would not be comfortable with my children getting into a serious relationship with someone substantially older until AT LEAST 19....even then, it would depend on each of them as people (not that mom gets a say at that point!)



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#106 Laura Corin

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 06:32 AM

There's also the question of what happens if you ban the relationship.  Someone I know was going out with a 30yo when she was 16.  Her parents did not ban the relationship because the girl was very stubborn and they feared that she would leave home/school if they did.  The age gap does not make the relationship illegal in the UK unless the older person is someone like a teacher who is in a position of responsibility. 

 

They put limits in place to ensure that she had enough time to study, she went off to a good university, came back at Christmas and dumped the guy.  She is now happily married to someone she met at university.


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#107 Lecka

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 06:44 AM

I knew several "mature" girls this age who dated older guys. Mostly they were guys they met at work.

In every case the girls outgrew the guys. The guys would seem more mature compared to 15--year-old boys; and would have a car and more money than a 15-year-old boy.

They would have their own place, not have parents involved like a 15-year-old.

It would seem very desirable to them!

But these girls at 19 were so far beyond these guys. The other guys grew up. Having a car and some money didn't seem as big of a deal.

Because ultimately -- for the girls I knew, the older guys interested in them were not desirable to women their own age, and that was a reason they were looking for younger women.

I do think they did involve talking and had decent relationships in a lot of ways, but the girls just outmatured the boys and that was it.

I have always wondered to if any of them lost respect for the guys just based on getting a little older and seeing how they would think of someone dating a 15-year-old.

Edit: I am from Oklahoma and I don't find it a big taboo; I find it more pathetic and unlikely to last. And also I have seen the same guy cycle through a few 15-year-old girls, and they outgrow him after 2 years, but he is still getting along great with the 15-year-old age range.

And really -- the car, the income, the apartment ------ to a 15-year-old this would be huge, when I was 15. It would seem awesome, and so much better than mid-high boys. But by age 17 even and moving up to senior high, this would just not be impressive anymore, and senior high boys would be more mature too.

Edited by Lecka, 16 October 2017 - 06:49 AM.

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#108 Quill

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 06:53 AM

It is ok, I'm not either. My parents married at 17 and 21 and have been married 53 years. People keep saying it is not ok in todays culture. To be honest I think the way the world runs today is a bit effed up honestly. I prefer the way things used to be.


See, I don't at all, in any way, wish to repeat the practices and mindset of the good ol' days when it comes to attitudes towards females and notions of what females are useful for and what they should do. My parents did not see any purpose in a girl going to college because then, she would just get involved in some career outside the home and would not be home to raise her kids or -GASP! - maybe she would really have no need for a husband in her mind and would have no family at all! They weren't worried about girls who struggled with advanced math because what was that for anyway, except trying to have a career and replace the purpose of a man heading the family?

I do think some things about how the world works are still effed up, but delaying marriage or females growing up and being self-sufficient before marriage (if they marry at all), or grown women consciously choosing a mate rather than just replacing their father with another man are not in that category.
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#109 Quill

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 06:59 AM

I knew several "mature" girls this age who dated older guys. Mostly they were guys they met at work.

In every case the girls outgrew the guys. The guys would seem more mature compared to 15--year-old boys; and would have a car and more money than a 15-year-old boy.

They would have their own place, not have parents involved like a 15-year-old.

It would seem very desirable to them!

But these girls at 19 were so far beyond these guys. The other guys grew up. Having a car and some money didn't seem as big of a deal.

Because ultimately -- for the girls I knew, the older guys interested in them were not desirable to women their own age, and that was a reason they were looking for younger women.


First point: yes; and this cannot happen if she gets married when she turns 16. She has no opportunity to "come to her senses" and see it as a mature woman will. This is why parents should point this out, not act like everything is hunky-dory.

Second point: exactly.

And in general, yes to things like money, car, house seeming like a big prize when you are young, but it isn't a big deal anymore if the girl gets to grow up, get her own car and home and career. Then she can make a better decision without dollar signs in her head.
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#110 SparklyUnicorn

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 07:11 AM

That's a tough one.  Fifteen is so young to date period, but definitely I would not allow it with a 25 year old.  Then again, there are people who get married later on with that kind of age difference.  The problem is that NOW she is too young.  So if he is that smitten, come back in three years.

 

 


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#111 Lecka

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 07:12 AM

I think the money, car, apartment would represent freedom and independence. And then yeah -- a couple of years go by and the girl sees how she will get that on her own, not through dating (for example) her manager at Taco Bell.

Edit -- can't believe I forgot this, but part of it too was the guys could purchase alcohol so casually it was no big deal, so they would seem so much more mature than younger guys scheming for alcohol. They would both not really care about it but also be able to buy alcohol if they wanted.

But definitely it was something where there would be kids who thought that was cool, and maybe sometimes ask the girls for the boyfriend to buy alcohol. That seemed like a smaller part of it, but it was part of the older guys seeming more cool.

Edited by Lecka, 16 October 2017 - 07:16 AM.


#112 Seasider

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 07:13 AM

There's also the question of what happens if you ban the relationship. Someone I know was going out with a 30yo when she was 16. Her parents did not ban the relationship because the girl was very stubborn and they feared that she would leave home/school if they did. The age gap does not make the relationship illegal in the UK unless the older person is someone like a teacher who is in a position of responsibility.

They put limits in place to ensure that she had enough time to study, she went off to a good university, came back at Christmas and dumped the guy. She is now happily married to someone she met at university.


This is a plan I think best - that one semester of college can make a HUGE difference!

I have noticed a trend in a segment of conservative folks in which the young men (so not an age gap) determine to become engaged before a girl goes to college. IMObservation, it seems to be based on a fear that the girl is going to find someone else at school if he doesn't get her locked in. Seems much more reasonable to me to not become engaged until at least Christmas after that first semester. If it's a perfect match, it will endure.

#113 Lecka

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 07:19 AM

Also personally I don't lump a 4-year age difference in with a 10-year age difference for a 15-year-old. I think they are two different things! I mean with a 4-year difference they could be at basically the same stage of life, and that just isn't the case with an extra 6 years (at that young age).

Edited by Lecka, 16 October 2017 - 07:19 AM.

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#114 umsami

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 07:23 AM

When we were living in Brooklyn, we went to a Muslim picnic and there were a bunch of Yemeni high school girls there.  Two that I met had gotten married at 16 (the grooms were 16-17 too).  That's very normal for their culture....but it was so weird for me.  The couple would move in with one of the families, continue schooling, etc.  I've worked a bit on child marriage, and it always surprises people to learn that while it may be illegal in many countries, it is not in the US.  It's still a big problem.  Kudos to India for basically just passing a law that says a child bride cannot consent to sex...and yes, this would include a 16 year old.  Child marriage includes a massive increase in risk for domestic violence.  

 

If I was the parent, I would want guarantees on her finishing high school and college, including a long acting form of birth control such as the implant until that time.  Pill has too much user error.

 

Even then, I'd find it weird.  Really weird and disturbing.   Honestly, if it was my daughter, we'd consider moving far far away if we couldn't get the creep to leave her alone.  If it was my  son, I would say....."you go away until she is at least 18, preferably older."  Period.

 

Yeah, I know Elvis was 25 and Priscilla was 14....but still weird.


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#115 Zinnia

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 07:41 AM

I have 2 acquaintances that were in similar situations.  One were church friends.  They married right after high school graduation--she was 18, and he was 28.  They've been married for 27 years now (how am I that old??).

 

Another one got married at 19 and 29.  They did not start dating until she was 18, though.  She never intended to go to college, and she didn't.  The crazy part of their story is that they lived 5 hours apart when they met.  She moved 3 months later to the town where he lived, and they dated for a year while she lived with roommates.  So a fairly fast dating relationship, far from her parents' eyes.  They've been married for over 20 years, though, and they are very happy.



#116 FaithManor

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 07:46 AM

It is ok, I'm not either. My parents married at 17 and 21 and have been married 53 years. People keep saying it is not ok in todays culture. To be honest I think the way the world runs today is a bit effed up honestly. I prefer the way things used to be.


I actually think the way it used to be done is effed up. Just because people remain in marriage doesn't mean it was good or healthy or not abusive. My parents married at eighteen and were married for fifty three years, and it was bad, very bad. Because my mom married so young and was not allowed to build skills that would allow her to take care of herself and later her children, she was trapped.

I am sick of it being considered a good thing to marry girls off without job skills and education so that they are at the mercy of bad men. Everyone looks at history so wistfully, and yet so much of it is actually rather disturbing and not beneficial.
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#117 Plum Crazy

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 07:48 AM

15yo and 25yo? No. 20yo and 30yo? Sure.
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#118 Lady Florida.

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 08:13 AM

My first instinct was to say "ew, no" until I read Greta's post. I too have a friend from a similar situation. She was 15, he was 22 AND he was her supervisor at work. She says they didn't have sex until she was 17, everyone told them it wouldn't last, only the parents on both sides weren't against it. They got married when she turned 18. It sounds similar, Scarlett. 

 

My friend is now 46, he's 53, they have a 17 year old daughter and are still happy together. 

 

So, I guess I have to say it's situational and depends on the couple. I also think there should be no sex until at least the age of consent, 18 would be better.


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#119 Quill

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 08:26 AM

I actually think the way it used to be done is effed up. Just because people remain in marriage doesn't mean it was good or healthy or not abusive. My parents married at eighteen and were married for fifty three years, and it was bad, very bad. Because my mom married so young and was not allowed to build skills that would allow her to take care of herself and later her children, she was trapped.

I am sick of it being considered a good thing to marry girls off without job skills and education so that they are at the mercy of bad men. Everyone looks at history so wistfully, and yet so much of it is actually rather disturbing and not beneficial.


Faith, sometimes I think you and I share one brain.
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#120 Arctic Mama

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 08:32 AM

I have 2 acquaintances that were in similar situations. One were church friends. They married right after high school graduation--she was 18, and he was 28. They've been married for 27 years now (how am I that old??).

Another one got married at 19 and 29. They did not start dating until she was 18, though. She never intended to go to college, and she didn't. The crazy part of their story is that they lived 5 hours apart when they met. She moved 3 months later to the town where he lived, and they dated for a year while she lived with roommates. So a fairly fast dating relationship, far from her parents' eyes. They've been married for over 20 years, though, and they are very happy.


It took my parents a good five years or so, but they finally admitted to me that I knew better and made a fantastic decision in marrying my older husband. His parents also finally said as much a few years ago. I know it was difficult for both sets to be supportive for different reasons, and from the outside I think they thought we were desperate, crazy, or both. None of that was the case, of course, but I can see that side of it and respect the concerns.


This is why legal adulthood exists though - it’s that somewhat arbitrary but still clean barrier that makes a situation like this more clear cut. No until she has matured and is recognized as an independent adult.
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#121 Lanny

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 08:42 AM

My DD is now 17. I would tell a 25 year old man to stay far far far away, or that I would call the police.



#122 FaithManor

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 08:50 AM

Faith, sometimes I think you and I share one brain.

Quill, I always appreciate your insights and would be honored to share brain matter!

Edited by FaithManor, 16 October 2017 - 08:56 AM.

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#123 Scarlett

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 09:06 AM

To me this speaks to the family culture where she's been taught that the only thing she says good for is marriage. There's nothing wrong with being a wife and mother, (I am!) but it certainly wasn't my goal in life at fifteen. She is a child still. I remember all the stupid decisions I made at that age.


It is not what they have taught her. She is an only child late life baby. I know her parents well and they have encouraged her in many ways to do a lot of things besides marry young. She has always wanted to get married and have babies. Always. I figured she would marry young bcause she wanted...but I have heard her dad say he wouldn't sign for her so young to me would be 18. And I never dreamed they would allow a relationship with a 25 year old man when she is 15.
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#124 Scarlett

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 09:10 AM

Ok so a quick search and it seems that if you are chaperoned, and are with a person of the opposite sex that you Are hoping to form a permanent relationship then it is courtship, though there seems to be a differing views on physical contact. Some saying no physical contact and others saying contact is fine as long as there is no sex.

Whereas dating is more for personal pleasure and may or may not lead to a permanent relationship.


I think some people hear the word courting and think of the most strict definition.


Sorry about the random capital letters. My iPad is so not helpful sometimes.


We expect fully chaperoned....but for instance meeting at a restaurant and eating alone is chaperone. I have never heard anyone call it courtship. And the purpose is to see if they are a good match. not determined by the parents.

#125 Scarlett

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 09:12 AM

That's my understanding - fully chaperoned and with an explicit intention to marry. There is no such thing as, "let's see if we make a good match." The parents are supposed to determine if it's a good match.


This is not what we do. At all.

#126 Scarlett

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 09:14 AM

True; an adult can choose a courtship model for him or herself. I guess I was thinking of that specifically because of this particular thread. If the parents are fine with it and seem to be encouraging it, it seems probable to me that they are operating from a courtship model.


But they aren't. We don't do things that way. At all.

#127 Scarlett

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 09:15 AM

It is ok, I'm not either. My parents married at 17 and 21 and have been married 53 years. People keep saying it is not ok in todays culture. To be honest I think the way the world runs today is a bit effed up honestly. I prefer the way things used to be.


If it was 17 and 25 I would feel much differently. There is a huge difference between 15 and 17.
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#128 Plum Crazy

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 09:23 AM

Someone close to me married a man that was 30 when she was 20. They got divorced and now she's making up for her lost youth in her 40s. It has been hard for her. She married someone who was already well established in his career while she was still going to college. She never went through the dirt poor early years of marriage like we did. When he lost his job, they went through a very lengthy dark time. She always seemed more mature and ready to be married at 20, but I'm seeing the downside to it.

#129 dmmetler

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 09:26 AM

But, why?? She can’t go to college, she can’t work. What does she do?? I really dislike these parents!!

 

Why can't she go to college? Most schools have no age limits so long as you live off campus, especially not if you have a high school diploma. And, honestly, when you graduate that early, it makes sense to go to college and graduate with at least an AA before trying to enter the workforce, because you are so limited in what you can do.

 

I don't quite understand encouraging a bright kid to graduate early if college isn't in the plans. I can kind of see a girl going to college early and meeting an older male and striking up conversations, that then lead to interest (and have been DRUMMING it into DD's head that she simply cannot date anyone on campus at this point-she is just plain too young, and it's not safe for anyone involved-especially the man!) without him realizing that she's that much younger than he is. I can't see a guy knowing that a girl is 10 years younger than he is and a legal minor and even taking steps towards a relationship in contemporary US culture.


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#130 desertstrawberry5

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 09:26 AM

I was in this situation at 13. There was much sneaking around. But it really wasn't serious. 

My parents reacted the way most people here are. It came to physical violence. That was horrible and scarring. 

Honestly, I think would have been better to let it run it's course. By the time my parents found out, he was already leaving me. There was nothing to gain by turning it into something huge and terrible and damaging. 

If this comes about for my Tori, I am sure that we will handle it the way this family is. Especially if she is mature for her age and finished with school.

I am not opposed to early marriage. If I had it to do over, I would have married at 19 to a 32yo man who had a a lot to offer and was marriage minded. We were exceptionally well matched. We did not pursue the relationship solely because of my age. In retrospect, that was a stupid reason. 

I'm sure this is a super unpopular opinion, but having lived it, I think I have the maybe slightly more insight than others who are quick to condemn. 

Edit: In my situation, I had just turned 13 when we got together. He expressed interest when I was still 12. He was 23/24. We were together almost a year. 


Edited by desertstrawberry5, 16 October 2017 - 09:43 AM.


#131 hornblower

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 09:29 AM

you guys know I'm the 'ban guns gal' but if ever there was a situation screaming for "chase him off with a shotgun" this is it. 

And who cares what was normal historically? Historically we burned witches, considered unmarried 25 yo women spinsters, and sent little children to work in mines. So what. 

This is borderline abuse of this young woman, cutting short all her opportunities and choices and potentially completely trapping her. If the family/church has the money, I'd send this girl away to volunteer somewhere abroad for 3-6 months, then insist she go to college for at least an associates, or get some training/certificate/diploma which is linked to work opportunities.

 


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#132 SKL

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 09:30 AM

I've been away so I did not have a chance to read the other replies.

 

Not sure what "interested in" means.  If he is interested in touching her, hell no.  It's illegal and he could get on the sex offender registry.  She's below the age of consent and I agree with the law that she is too young to be getting into that with an adult.

 

Other than that, I really don't know.  I'm not sure it's terrible to be attracted to someone younger, as long as you're decent enough to wait until she is old enough to know her own mind (AND legally consent).  I feel that a decent person would at least wait until she is 18.  But legally, he may be within his rights to try before that (depending on state law).



#133 Scarlett

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 09:34 AM

I was in this situation at 13. There was much sneaking around. But it really wasn't serious.

My parents reacted the way most people here are. It came to physical violence. That was horrible and scarring.

Honestly, I think would have been better to let it run it's course. By the time my parents found out, he was already leaving me. There was nothing to gain by turning it into something huge and terrible and damaging.

If this comes about for my Tori, I am sure that we will handle it the way this family is. Especially if she is mature for her age and finished with school.

I am not opposed to early marriage. If I had it to do over, I would have married at 19 to a 32yo man who had a a lot to offer and was marriage minded. We were exceptionally well matched. We did not pursue the relationship solely because of my age. In retrospect, that was a stupid reason.

I'm sure this is a super unpopular opinion, but having lived it, I think I have the maybe slightly more insight than others who are quick to condemn.


Wait. 19 is an adult. 15 is not a legal adult and still very much a child even if she looks all grown up and has finished high school and can care for babies.

I am not against young marriages. I am against child marriages.
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#134 Scarlett

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 09:35 AM

I've been away so I did not have a chance to read the other replies.

Not sure what "interested in" means. If he is interested in touching her, hell no. It's illegal and he could get on the sex offender registry. She's below the age of consent and I agree with the law that she is too young to be getting into that with an adult.

Other than that, I really don't know. I'm not sure it's terrible to be attracted to someone younger, as long as you're decent enough to wait until she is old enough to know her own mind (AND legally consent). I feel that a decent person would at least wait until she is 18. But legally, he may be within his rights to try before that (depending on state law).


They aren't alone together. But yes he is clearly romantically interested in her and her him.

#135 Danae

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 09:35 AM

Every young teenager with an older admirer thinks he's attracted to her because she's "so mature." And because that fits her self image she doesn't consider that the reality is usually exactly the opposite. Adults who are attracted to maturity don't look to high schoolers for potential dating partners.
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#136 vonfirmath

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 09:40 AM

She works some and is heavily involved in volunteer work. A few months back the story was she was gong to take a course in medical,billing or some such. Now I figure she is waiting to turn 16 and get married.

 

I wonder if already graduating high school is contributing some here. She's been hanging out with people significantly older than her and craves to be treated as older than her chronological age.


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#137 Innisfree

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 09:42 AM

I am not at all favorable to that age gap at those ages, for all the reasons others have stated.

However, even if I were convinced that they were a good match, and the young man met every standard I could imagine for a potential husband for my daughter, I would still not support this situation.

This girl needs to grow up, uninfluenced by a plan to marry this man. She needs to complete her education in a way that will allow her to support herself and any potential children on her own, because we never know what our futures hold.

I'd say her parents demonstrated profound judgement problems for the first time when they let her finish high school in one year. Who the heck can gain enough foundational knowledge and experience for their lives that fast? How much math has she covered, how much literature, how much science? And even if she is profoundly gifted, and *has* covered all the usual material, she needs to be growing up, continuing her education, gaining experience and skills and independence. If this young man cares for her he can give her time to do all that.
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#138 desertstrawberry5

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 09:47 AM

They aren't alone together. But yes he is clearly romantically interested in her and her him.

If they aren't alone together, they aren't dating and the parents aren't wrong. They can be interested in each other, and spend time together in the company of her parents and not be in a dating relationship. 



#139 Quill

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 09:49 AM

you guys know I'm the 'ban guns gal' but if ever there was a situation screaming for "chase him off with a shotgun" this is it.

And who cares what was normal historically? Historically we burned witches, considered unmarried 25 yo women spinsters, and sent little children to work in mines. So what.

This is borderline abuse of this young woman, cutting short all her opportunities and choices and potentially completely trapping her. If the family/church has the money, I'd send this girl away to volunteer somewhere abroad for 3-6 months, then insist she go to college for at least an associates, or get some training/certificate/diploma which is linked to work opportunities.


Exactly.
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#140 desertstrawberry5

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 09:50 AM

Finishing high school in a year and graduating early is not that uncommon. I'm not sure why so many people are reacting so poorly to that. Colleges, vocational schools, and employers will accept a young graduate. 


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#141 Scarlett

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 10:00 AM

If they aren't alone together, they aren't dating and the parents aren't wrong. They can be interested in each other, and spend time together in the company of her parents and not be in a dating relationship.


If they are romantically interested in each other and spending time together ehat would you call that?

#142 Innisfree

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 10:04 AM

Finishing high school in a year and graduating early is not that uncommon. I'm not sure why so many people are reacting so poorly to that. Colleges, vocational schools, and employers will accept a young graduate.

From my perspective, I'm just not sure how the appropriate amount of material can really be learned and fully digested that fast. Say, at least, geometry, algebra 2, precal/trig, calculus or maybe stats... And that's just math. World history, US history, government, econ.

On a less academic track, learning and maturing still takes time.

Certainly some students cover these subjects successfully at a younger age. That's great. My main concern is that formal education and preparation for a career not *stop* at, say, fifteen. If one has completed a real high school education, then they need to move on to the next step, not get married and have babies *at that stage*. They need to have the ability to be self-supporting.

Eta: Not to derail the thread, but I'm curious what a one-year high school experience looks like. What actually gets covered? Or are we talking about gifted students who have done all the usual material, but earlier?

Edited by Innisfree, 16 October 2017 - 10:07 AM.

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#143 Scarlett

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 10:19 AM

From my perspective, I'm just not sure how the appropriate amount of material can really be learned and fully digested that fast. Say, at least, geometry, algebra 2, precal/trig, calculus or maybe stats... And that's just math. World history, US history, government, econ.

On a less academic track, learning and maturing still takes time.

Certainly some students cover these subjects successfully at a younger age. That's great. My main concern is that formal education and preparation for a career not *stop* at, say, fifteen. If one has completed a real high school education, then they need to move on to the next step, not get married and have babies *at that stage*. They need to have the ability to be self-supporting.

Eta: Not to derail the thread, but I'm curious what a one-year high school experience looks like. What actually gets covered? Or are we talking about gifted students who have done all the usual material, but earlier?


Well it is PENN Foster so you can look at their curriculum. From what I hear it is super easy, so for a motivated kid it isn't that difficult to do in a year. Plus she was already working a year ahead before she got to high school...

#144 Arctic Mama

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 10:21 AM

Every young teenager with an older admirer thinks he's attracted to her because she's "so mature." And because that fits her self image she doesn't consider that the reality is usually exactly the opposite. Adults who are attracted to maturity don't look to high schoolers for potential dating partners.

To be fair they don’t always know they’re younger. And girls don’t always disclose. One of my partners thought I was in my early twenties by appearance, behavior, work/education experience. He didn’t realize he was literally twice my age until I told him well after we’d bonded and been involved. In hindsight I feel bad for him - he was mortified and worried about legal ramifications and appropriately pulled back at that point.

That doesn’t appear to be the case here, but it isn’t really cut and dried depending on the situation and the young lady involved. I really hope my daughters don’t end up making similar choices, whether that makes me a hypocrite or not :o

Edited by Arctic Mama, 16 October 2017 - 10:22 AM.


#145 Innisfree

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 10:25 AM

Well it is PENN Foster so you can look at their curriculum. From what I hear it is super easy, so for a motivated kid it isn't that difficult to do in a year. Plus she was already working a year ahead before she got to high school...


I'll look, certainly. The "super easy" sounds like "not super much accomplished" to my ears. I'm glad she was at least working ahead.
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#146 Arctic Mama

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 10:27 AM

L.

Edited by Arctic Mama, 16 October 2017 - 03:38 PM.

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#147 KarenC

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 10:27 AM

I have 3 dds and this would make me ill.  We would try to avoid him totally.  If this wasn't possible, he would never be near her without me or dh present.  If he tried or said anything remotely inappropriate, there would be hell to pay.  He has NO business becoming involved with a 15 year old.


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#148 Plum Crazy

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 10:32 AM

Okay , but being gifted or bright academically does not automatically make a person mature. Graduating at an early age doesn't make a person mature.  What makes them think she's mature? Waiting to marry at 16 does not sound like a mature decision, it sounds to me more like she's hoping he will save her.  The fact that he is described as not that mature doesn't sound all that encouraging. 

 

 


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#149 Arctic Mama

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 10:35 AM

Okay , but being gifted or bright academically does not automatically make a person mature. Graduating at an early age doesn't make a person mature. What makes them think she's mature? Waiting to marry at 16 does not sound like a mature decision, it sounds to me more like she's hoping he will save her. The fact that he is described as not that mature doesn't sound all that encouraging.

I agree - remember I said I don’t think it’s a good idea here? In my case a few years didn’t really make a huge difference in my readiness for tackling marriage, a lot of that is on the ground training. But the time to sort out what she really wants without feeling pull or pressure by her parents or him seems like a wise step. I’d say holding a good job and living independently is a better metric at that age than academics alone.

Also, the young men and women who actually are mature and capable of these decisions aren’t usually the ones making them, precisely because they realize that there is no rush, with a few exceptions like financial needs or a baby in the mix.


Someone asked above what the situation might look like for someone with so little high school and I gave my detailed, personal experience, which had major issues and rough spots but ended very well even with a big age gap and young marriage (both of which were far better choices and were separate from those challenges at 15). It’s not prescriptive - I’m not in favor of marriage prior to 18, and not really in favor of any relationships between minors and adults either, with a few exceptions and much closer age spans (like your typical 15/18 divide, which is a lot more understandable and defensible). But there is quite a bit of individual variation, which is why I provided my story.

Edited by Arctic Mama, 16 October 2017 - 10:40 AM.

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#150 goldberry

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Posted 16 October 2017 - 10:39 AM

Totally agree. I always cringe when I hear about a teen girl who " is SO mature." Unless a person is some prodigious savant, which is highly unusual and comes with it's own set of issues, there is no skipping the normal stages of growing up.

 

Aren't all teens that odd mix of "so mature" and "incredibly immature" in different areas?  DD often astounded me with her maturity in some areas.  In others...  :lol:  


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