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Rant! My fertility is NOT a disease!!!!!!


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What's with the ads?

#101 mytwomonkeys

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Posted 16 August 2017 - 07:51 PM

I'm so sorry people are giving you a difficult time. Four kids isn't even a big family to me, so I'm genuinely surprised that people would be so weird about it. ((Hugs to you)). I totally understand your feeling upset.
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#102 wendyroo

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Posted 16 August 2017 - 08:44 PM

This must be a regional thing to some extent...I have literally ever only gotten one negative comment about my (generally rambunctious and not particularly well-behaved) 5 children, and that was a random snarky comment from someone who just happened to be passing through the checkout area at a grocery store when we were there, and I wonder if he wasn't having a really bad day or something.  Lots of "hands full" comments, and lots of "how do you handle so many boys??" comments, but I don't consider those negative and people don't appear to have a negative attitude when they're saying them.  

 

:iagree:

 

I have never gotten a negative reaction.  Lots of "hands full", lots of nostalgic "reminds me of when I used to take my 4 shopping", lots of compliments when I take them all to a doctor's office or restaurant.

 

Lately I have been hearing some comments about how eager I must be for the older kids to go back to school.  But when I say that we homeschool, then that normally gets a positive reaction as well.

 

Wendy


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#103 RootAnn

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Posted 16 August 2017 - 09:46 PM

I was in the OB's office waiting room after having #3 when a rude old man asked me if I knew what caused that (children). I told him that I did & I liked doing it. :drool: He didn't get the hint & went on to tell me about how he's taking care of his daughter's kids now because she is a tramp.  :crying:

 

When I was in another doctor's office with my first four, I got asked if they were all mine. (Four of my five look like my DH. Only dd#3 looks like me. I knew that's what she was referring to. I decided to misunderstand on purpose.) I said yes - that he (ds#1) only looks different because he's a BOY. (If you can't see my sig, I have three girls & then two boys.)  :laugh: The nurse shut up at that point.

 

My mom is proud to say how many grandkids she has (16). It is one of her very few positive comments in life. Several of her friends are grand-children-starved with 0 to 2.

 

I'm sorry you've got such an insensitive MIL, Katie.  :grouphug:


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#104 ktgrok

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Posted 16 August 2017 - 09:49 PM

It's actually my mom , not my MIL

#105 momacacia

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Posted 16 August 2017 - 10:39 PM

Well, I've got the other side of the coin...married an oldest of 9, almost all born about 2 years apart. Mine are all 4 and 3 years apart, and of course, the 2 girls were so far apart (4 years) that they'll never really be able to good friends, so says MIL. <eyeroll>

And, overheard in other conversations by MIL, "people from small families are selfish."😂 I'm doing my best, bleeding your son dry!😂 However, I've noticed her oldest daughter stopped at 4 (as did we) and neither of her daughter's are "unselfish" enough to homeschool their kids (which I know is a huge disappointment to her). So, there ya go. What goes around....

#106 sangtarah

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Posted 16 August 2017 - 10:48 PM

I should add that my mother doesn't help support the kids, and babysits a few times a year. (she would do more often if I needed, but I don't). She just worries. She's convinced that childbirth is akin to running around on the highway at rush hour traffic and that tempting fate more than once or twice is asking to be killed.


Yes, I think is my mom's biggest fear - that something happens to me in the process. About once or twice a month she asks me, "You are really done, right?" Or "Has dh scheduled a 'snip-snip'?"

I can't really decide if I'm done until the baby is 2, anyway, so I try to pacify her, just like I did with homeschooling. It's annoying, but she's so supportive of our family in so many ways, I just overlook it.

#107 Murphy101

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Posted 16 August 2017 - 10:51 PM

It's actually my mom , not my MIL


My third was due in February and at Christmas before he was born my husband's mother slid an envelope across the dinner table and it was a card with cash saying "for vasectomy".

No neither of us had ever even hinted about birth control in general, much less wanting to do that.

Awkward and anger inducing and made it feel like new baby was unwelcome too. And yeah we gave it back and my Dh was far more diplomatic than I'm likely to ever be and for sure wasn't at 24.

#108 Scarlett

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Posted 16 August 2017 - 11:16 PM

My third was due in February and at Christmas before he was born my husband's mother slid an envelope across the dinner table and it was a card with cash saying "for vasectomy".

No neither of us had ever even hinted about birth control in general, much less wanting to do that.

Awkward and anger inducing and made it feel like new baby was unwelcome too. And yeah we gave it back and my Dh was far more diplomatic than I'm likely to ever be and for sure wasn't at 24.


That is shocking. Crazy parents.

#109 Homeschool Mom in AZ

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 12:14 AM

Since I only have 3 I don't hear those comments.  My instinct would be to want to ask something like, "Do you have Asperger's?  If you do, your socially unacceptable question is understandable, but if you're neuro-typical then it isn't."


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#110 extendedforecast

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 12:45 AM

I got similar comments and I only have 3. I once ran into one of my former high school teachers when I was out with my three kids shortly after my youngest was born. He looked at me and my kids in disgust and said, "You do know how kids are made, right?" I have never slapped/punched someone, but I really was tempted to punch that smirk off his face that day.

:grouphug: Katy.

I'm sorry. I get that line all the time! How does one respond to that question? I want something that will make them feel like an ass without coming across as bitchy.

ETA: My current response is, "We love our big family and would love to add more kids if we could." That doesn't have the effect I'm loooking for though.

Edited by extendedforecast, 17 August 2017 - 12:46 AM.

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#111 extendedforecast

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 01:04 AM

I got comments from strangers and family, too. The head-scratchers were from the ones I knew were pro-choice.

My grandma once said about one of my pregnancies "I'm happy if you're happy, I guess." Well, thanks for that. :lol:


That sounds like something my mom would say. My mom told me after I announced number three, "Well there's no use crying over spilled milk." Thanks mom.
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#112 extendedforecast

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 01:07 AM

Welcome to my world. You can squeeze in next to me at our table. (((Hugs)))

This week I happened to have gone to Sams with only my four daughters and a woman asked if the baby was a boy or girl. I said girl and she said, "oh god. You poor thing wanting a boy so bad and got another girl." I was going to just smile and move on without correcting her. But my dd8 piped up with, "Oh we have 7 brothers, we just decided to keep them even though they aren't girls because we love them anyways."

I about died laughing at dd8 and the lady's horrific look as she tried to add 4 + 7.

I'll take that dumb stuff over the people who say some form of, "OMG. You should stop. What if one of them ends up diabetic like your husband?!"

We have this crazy notion that we love our kids even if they got a chronic illness. Kind of like how I think my type 1 diabetic husband is still a life worth living and loving. Jerks. Don't get me wrong, diabetes absolutely sucks donkey balls, but I wouldn't regret a child bc they had it and I don't regret marrying my Dh. Same goes for kids on the spectrum. Yeah. I know. It's no picnic. But I happen to still love them and they happen to still be amazing and wonderful people.

I want to point out that I'm more concerned about people being heartless selfish jerks than having any illness I can possibly imagine. The world needs as many good and kind people, regardless of their physical condition, as it can get these days. I'm just doing my best part to make them.😉

Mostly I just smile uncomfortably and say it's not that bad really and then talk to my kids about it in the van. Too busy to engage in discussion most of the time, but I try to be positive. Sometimes I fail epicly though.


I like your daughter. :)
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#113 scoutingmom

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 04:38 AM

My mom made a disappointed type of remark when I told her I was expecting #3. I delayed telling most people about number 4 but phoned and told my brother and my mom when she was visiting him at Christmas. I don't remember what she said because the response was as expected. But a bit later she called to apologize... I guess my brother gave her an earful. It was really hard because I knew pretty much everyone would be giving me a bad reaction. (Adult step kids, etc).

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#114 Carrie12345

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 05:35 AM

The comments started for me with #3, mostly because #2 was still a baby. And I was 25 while pregnant with her, but looked at least a couple of years younger.  I've only had one or two comments that were truly obnoxious since then (with up to 5 kids) but the minor, annoying ones are just, well, constant and annoying.

 

A few weeks ago, I took my youngest two to the $1 movies and saw a woman with 7 kids.  But get this - they were all boys, and they were all practically identical little tow heads, just at different ages. The oldest may have been 11 or 12, with the youngest around 2 or 3.  They were an adorable family, and there was just no way to not notice them, and the unusual sight they were.  I wanted so badly to go up to her and tell her what a beautiful family they were but, knowing how I (with just 5, mixed genders, and different appearances) reflexively flinch when a stranger approaches me about my kids, I just couldn't do it.  I feel bad, because maybe a positive comment could have made her day. But, if she's anything like me, she may have just wanted to be left alone to find 8 seats together before the previews were over with as little notice as possible!



#115 maize

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 05:54 AM


My mom is proud to say how many grandkids she has (16). It is one of her very few positive comments in life. Several of her friends are grand-children-starved with 0 to 2.


My in-laws have nine children; they got all kinds of negative remarks about that in the 70's and 80's.

Once they got into grandparent territory though the tables turned. FiL traveled a lot for business before retirement and always enjoyed chatting with folks on planes etc. When grandchildren came up everyone was envious of his dozen, then two dozen grandkids (actually I think they are now at 41 grandkids and approaching great-grandparent territory).

I started getting comments when pregnant with #3--there was this attitude of "you have a full set--boy and girl--why ever would you have more?!"
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#116 ktgrok

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 06:39 AM

My third was due in February and at Christmas before he was born my husband's mother slid an envelope across the dinner table and it was a card with cash saying "for vasectomy".

No neither of us had ever even hinted about birth control in general, much less wanting to do that.

Awkward and anger inducing and made it feel like new baby was unwelcome too. And yeah we gave it back and my Dh was far more diplomatic than I'm likely to ever be and for sure wasn't at 24.

WOW!!!!!



#117 Arctic Mama

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 07:00 AM

My third was due in February and at Christmas before he was born my husband's mother slid an envelope across the dinner table and it was a card with cash saying "for vasectomy".

No neither of us had ever even hinted about birth control in general, much less wanting to do that.

Awkward and anger inducing and made it feel like new baby was unwelcome too. And yeah we gave it back and my Dh was far more diplomatic than I'm likely to ever be and for sure wasn't at 24.


That's completely insane. I'd have pitched a loud, embarrassing verbal fit if a family member had the audacity to do that.

#118 okbud

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 07:16 AM



"you must have been busy"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I've heard that as well (with just three) and it's so stupid that it makes me angry. You know we don't do the hupmti'hump 7000 times to get pregnant once (most of the time), right?

 

As for "you know how that happens right?" I hate it always, but I double-dog hate it from men. When I was overdue and enormous and so uncomfortable and hot with my last baby some random dude said that to me and I growled at him and told him, "yeah it starts with MY VAGINA which is private, guy" :cursing: :cursing: :cursing:

 

DH was like "baaaaabe....!" Whatever. I was not. In. The. Mood.


 

"you must have been busy"

 

 

 

 

 

[i have no idea what is going on with the quote function]


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#119 ThatBookwormMom

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 07:30 AM







I've heard that as well (with just three) and it's so stupid that it makes me angry. You know we don't do the hupmti'hump 7000 times to get pregnant once (most of the time), right?

As for "you know how that happens right?" I hate it always, but I double-dog hate it from men. When I was overdue and enormous and so uncomfortable and hot with my last baby some random dude said that to me and I growled at him and told him, "yeah it starts with MY VAGINA which is private, guy" :cursing: :cursing: :cursing:

DH was like "baaaaabe....!" Whatever. I was not. In. The. Mood.


[i have no idea what is going on with the quote function]

This is the kind of reply I always want to say but never have the nerve for. We had 4 in 7 years, which didn't seem crazy to us but is apparently shocking to others. It always makes me feel somehow dirty when some man (and it's always men, ime) says something about how they're made. Like I want to discuss my sex life with some random person?

Katie, I feel for you. Several months ago I had a lady stop me in the supermarket to lecture me on having too many kids. My FIL has always given us a hard time about getting pregnant again, and with #4 went so far as to audibly say, "Oh no!" Good times. I don't understand why people feel entitled to airing their personal opinions, either. I'm glad you were able to draw a line with your mom, and hopefully she will respect it.

And I totally think you should have another if you want one. 👍

Edited by ThatBookwormMom, 17 August 2017 - 07:31 AM.


#120 regentrude

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 07:41 AM

My third was due in February and at Christmas before he was born my husband's mother slid an envelope across the dinner table and it was a card with cash saying "for vasectomy".

 

Wow. I am speechless. 



#121 regentrude

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 07:45 AM

. Like I want to discuss my sex life with some random person?

 

THIS sounds like a great comeback to the question.

"Do I look like I want to discuss my sex life with a random person?"


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#122 AFwife Claire

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 08:40 AM

We have 10, so I've gotten plenty of comments as well, although much less now that the older kids are well, older, and I rarely have everyone with me at one time.  When I was pregnant with #10 3 years ago, I was by myself at the grocery store.  Someone in line asked, "So, is this your first?"  When I told her it was my 10th, she about fell over!

 

My favorite time was when I was pregnant with my 5th.  My first 4 were boys, and we were going through the checkout line at Walmart.  The cashier sort of glanced at me and asks, casually, "So, do you make a lot of money with that?"

 

I was like, "Ummm . . . . with what, exactly?" because I couldn't figure out how I was making money by being at Walmart.

 

She says, "Daycare"

 

I was so astonished that someone would just assume that 4 little boys (who look a lot a like) would be a daycare, especially with a mom who is visibly pregnant again!  So funny.

 

Our 5th child was our first girl, and I told DH that we better have at least one more, or the boys would have to suffer through hearing, "At least you finally got your girl!" all their lives.  I got pregnant with #6 when #5 was 4 months old.  People did make that comment all the time, but I was able to say, "And we can't wait to see what this next one is!"  That definitely shut them up, lol.  

 

It really bothers me that people will make comments like that IN FRONT OF THE KIDS.  Do they expect me to say, "Yes, we have suffered through these last 3 boys in the desperate hope of getting a treasured girl, and now FINALLY!  No more disappointment!"?!?   :confused1:   Good grief.  I always tried to really affirm to these rude strangers how much we loved and appreciated all the boys God gave us, but it was awkward, and I was always highly irritated.

 

But like I said, now we are hardly ever all out together anymore, but even when I just have say, the younger 6 out, we still get comments, like, "Are these ALL yours?!"  And then I definitely say, "All these, plus 4 more!"   :lol:


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#123 solascriptura

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 08:45 AM

You must have a friendlier face than me. I have 4, but no one has ever really said anything to me. I have the b*tch face and although I'm actually very nice no one has dared to say something so rude as to comment on the number of children I have.
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#124 Jaybee

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 09:24 AM


This week I happened to have gone to Sams with only my four daughters and a woman asked if the baby was a boy or girl. I said girl and she said, "oh god. You poor thing wanting a boy so bad and got another girl." I was going to just smile and move on without correcting her. But my dd8 piped up with, "Oh we have 7 brothers, we just decided to keep them even though they aren't girls because we love them anyways."

 

 

I think I love your dd8!  :001_wub:


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#125 Murphy101

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 10:11 AM

If I take most of the kids or all of them (which doesn't happen as often now that 4-5 are college classes ages) by myself, it is not unusual for us to be approached by strangers with some kind of comment. Usually trying to be friendly however awkward it still might be due to their thoughtlessness. It's a whole new fun now because people are all, "OMG you have 4-6?!" And usually before I can respond some kid of mine says, "Nope! ELEVEN!" And then I scurry past with the children before the stranger can recover from the shocking news. lol

Our favorite story was me 9 months pregnant with baby #5. I was pretty darn miserable heavy with child by that point and we had one car and all the kids were little so every store trip was a family event. And it was an exceptional day of people thinking my cranky pregnant b_face must have been misconstrued as welcoming any and all comments. lol We literally were getting approached at nearly every aisle turn throughout the store. After about 20 minutes, my already thin patience was evaporated and my face was starting to hurt from the blindingly tight stress smile I default to around people who make me uncomfortable. So I tell Dh through gritted teeth that if one more person asks me if I know how this happens, if I'm finally getting a girl and done, or what all else I'm gonna lose it. Dh in his wisdom to take me serious swiftly herds us to the checkout.

As he is putting stuff on the belt the checker says loudly and full of horror, "OMG! Haven't you heard of the The Pill?!"
Damn. So close to not losing my ever lovin pregnant mind.
Dh immediately leans over with a big smile and rubs my huge expansive belly and says, "Oh viagra is the best thing that ever happened to us!!" Good heavens. I just about died from embarrassment. You could have heard a pin drop for like three checkouts in either direction. The checker just stood there a second or two with her mouth hanging open.

The other is the how often people will ask me "Are they all yours?" Yes. And then turn to Dh and ask him, "Are they all yours?" And he always responds with, "That's what she tells me." Yeah, I know what they are trying in their horridly not articulate way is to ask if we are a blended family but geez.

I've also had many people ask, "omg, you had ELEVEN babies pass through your you know what?!" And gesture "down there". And a few then comment that I must be all kinds of messed up down there.

Um. Not really. But um. Thanks for your concern? The first time Dh heard that (usually they won't say it in front of him, but he was standing a bit away and I don't think they knew we were together) he was just... wow.

Humor gets us through a lot in life.
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#126 Scarlett

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 10:36 AM

Murphy people are nuts! I love your dh's comments

#127 Miss Peregrine

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 10:37 AM


The other is the how often people will ask me "Are they all yours?" Yes. And then turn to Dh and ask him, "Are they all yours?" And he always responds with, "That's what she tells me." Yeah, I know what they are trying in their horridly not articulate way is to ask if we are a blended family but geez.
 

:lol:  :lol:  :lol:



#128 gardenmom5

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 10:48 AM

We have 10, so I've gotten plenty of comments as well, although much less now that the older kids are well, older, and I rarely have everyone with me at one time.  When I was pregnant with #10 3 years ago, I was by myself at the grocery store.  Someone in line asked, "So, is this your first?"  When I told her it was my 10th, she about fell over!

 

My favorite time was when I was pregnant with my 5th.  My first 4 were boys, and we were going through the checkout line at Walmart.  The cashier sort of glanced at me and asks, casually, "So, do you make a lot of money with that?"

 

I was like, "Ummm . . . . with what, exactly?" because I couldn't figure out how I was making money by being at Walmart.

 

She says, "Daycare"

 

I was so astonished that someone would just assume that 4 little boys (who look a lot a like) would be a daycare, especially with a mom who is visibly pregnant again!  So funny.

 

Our 5th child was our first girl, and I told DH that we better have at least one more, or the boys would have to suffer through hearing, "At least you finally got your girl!" all their lives.  I got pregnant with #6 when #5 was 4 months old.  People did make that comment all the time, but I was able to say, "And we can't wait to see what this next one is!"  That definitely shut them up, lol.  

 

It really bothers me that people will make comments like that IN FRONT OF THE KIDS.  Do they expect me to say, "Yes, we have suffered through these last 3 boys in the desperate hope of getting a treasured girl, and now FINALLY!  No more disappointment!"?!?   :confused1:   Good grief.  I always tried to really affirm to these rude strangers how much we loved and appreciated all the boys God gave us, but it was awkward, and I was always highly irritated.

 

But like I said, now we are hardly ever all out together anymore, but even when I just have say, the younger 6 out, we still get comments, like, "Are these ALL yours?!"  And then I definitely say, "All these, plus 4 more!"   :lol:

I think people do speak from their own experience. I was buying a cut outfit for one of my infant/toddler boys.   I got a "so, do you have a kid too?" from a depressed/surly clerk.  I was left with the impression she was a single teen mom, and resented the circumstances of her life.

I may have married very young - and had my first baby nine months after I got married - but I was married, not single.

and the people who made comments about how it was good I got married when I did so "I wasn't a single mom" . . . um,  . . . we don't do s3x before marriage.  period.  I realize even that is getting odd."    I was talking about stuff with my dr - and she was startled that neither I nor dh have ever slept with anyone else.  (It was actually medically relevant.)

 

 

I have a big gap between 2ds and dudeling. . . people assume it's a second married, or an "oopsie"  - and they'll actually say that!

 

 

 

If I take most of the kids or all of them (which doesn't happen as often now that 4-5 are college classes ages) by myself, it is not unusual for us to be approached by strangers with some kind of comment. Usually trying to be friendly however awkward it still might be due to their thoughtlessness. It's a whole new fun now because people are all, "OMG you have 4-6?!" And usually before I can respond some kid of mine says, "Nope! ELEVEN!" And then I scurry past with the children before the stranger can recover from the shocking news. lol

Our favorite story was me 9 months pregnant with baby #5. I was pretty darn miserable heavy with child by that point and we had one car and all the kids were little so every store trip was a family event. And it was an exceptional day of people thinking my cranky pregnant b_face must have been misconstrued as welcoming any and all comments. lol We literally were getting approached at nearly every aisle turn throughout the store. After about 20 minutes, my already thin patience was evaporated and my face was starting to hurt from the blindingly tight stress smile I default to around people who make me uncomfortable. So I tell Dh through gritted teeth that if one more person asks me if I know how this happens, if I'm finally getting a girl and done, or what all else I'm gonna lose it. Dh in his wisdom to take me serious swiftly herds us to the checkout.

As he is putting stuff on the belt the checker says loudly and full of horror, "OMG! Haven't you heard of the The Pill?!"
Damn. So close to not losing my ever lovin pregnant mind.
Dh immediately leans over with a big smile and rubs my huge expansive belly and says, "Oh viagra is the best thing that ever happened to us!!" Good heavens. I just about died from embarrassment. You could have heard a pin drop for like three checkouts in either direction. The checker just stood there a second or two with her mouth hanging open.

The other is the how often people will ask me "Are they all yours?" Yes. And then turn to Dh and ask him, "Are they all yours?" And he always responds with, "That's what she tells me." Yeah, I know what they are trying in their horridly not articulate way is to ask if we are a blended family but geez.

I've also had many people ask, "omg, you had ELEVEN babies pass through your you know what?!" And gesture "down there". And a few then comment that I must be all kinds of messed up down there.

Um. Not really. But um. Thanks for your concern? The first time Dh heard that (usually they won't say it in front of him, but he was standing a bit away and I don't think they knew we were together) he was just... wow.

Humor gets us through a lot in life.

  :laugh: :smilielol5:    wow - I see where your kids get it!   it's actually a good skill to have.   that clerk will probably think twice before making such a comment again.

 

I have a friend who chose to adopt rather than trying the fertility docs route.  they adopted four boys.  one of them was a surprise, their mother's are sisters so it was treated like a 'twin' adoption.  but then she did get pg after 20 years.   and they had a girl.  I thought it was good it was a girl - then there would never be any stranger competition from outsiders between her adopted sons (and as far as she is concerned - they are HERs)  and her daughter.   those boys dote on her too.  'cause she's their baby sister.   which may get strange looks as they get older.  the boys are all dark mixed race.  she's lily white and their dad is a redhead.



#129 AmandaVT

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 11:06 AM

 

 

My mom is proud to say how many grandkids she has (16). It is one of her very few positive comments in life. Several of her friends are grand-children-starved with 0 to 2.

 

I'm sorry you've got such an insensitive MIL, Katie.  :grouphug:

 

This reminds me - my grandma had a charm bracelet with a charm for each of her kids, grandkids and great grandkids. Each charm had the name and date of birth of the child on it and she treasured that bracelet. She was so proud to show it to people. She had 6 kids, all but one of whom had kids so I have a lot of cousins! I wonder where that bracelet went after she passed away.


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#130 ktgrok

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 11:35 AM

And I totally think you should have another if you want one. 👍

 

I would, but pretty sure it would kill my husband :)

 

It took a few years to talk him into #4, and I'm 41 now, so yeah...

 

But part of me thinks how nice it would be for little Rosie to have a sibling closer in age. 



#131 ktgrok

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 11:36 AM

You must have a friendlier face than me. I have 4, but no one has ever really said anything to me. I have the b*tch face and although I'm actually very nice no one has dared to say something so rude as to comment on the number of children I have.

 

I'm a bit too southern for my own good...I smile at everyone I see. 



#132 KungFuPanda

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 11:38 AM

My large family meter doesn't even register until there are AT LEAST six kids. I can't believe people get comments on four. I was one of four and it just doesn't seem that big. You can easily get by with a small three bedroom house with four! WTH?
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#133 ktgrok

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 11:41 AM

Murphy, you are my hero, and your husband is fantastic. 

 

And yeah, people are idiots. I just remembered why I fired my first Ob, with the oldest. I'd gotten pregnant while still engaged (to my now ex...never should have married him, was totally stressed out at the time) and so there I am, 21 years old, legs spread and the doctor asks if we were "trying". I said no, and he said, condescendingly, 'Oh, so you got knocked up."

 

I asked for my records on the way out and never went back. Still angers me. I was there for medical care, not moral judgment. 

 

 



#134 athomeontheprairie

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 11:42 AM

I have four kids,but I've babysit two others for the past two years. They stair stack nicely into my family and have the same coloring as I do-people assume then I have 6 kids.

I took the six kids and a friend's kid to our "local" zoo. We pulled up at the same time as a man with 2 kids in a car. He got out. Got his kids out. Then googled as they kept coming out of my large SUV. I wanted to go help him pick his jaw up off the ground.

Since it's a small zoo (you can easily see EVERYTHING in 3 hours), He made a point of finding me later to ask if they were all mine. He looked relieved when I said no, but four were. Then I needed to help him pick up his jaw again.

 

For me, I can go anywhere with 4 kids no comment. But the moment I added a fifth I got looks and comments-when I took them into the "city". Add in the 6th-and regardless of where I went I got comments. Our local community has lots of kids in (small) large families (4-5 kids), but cross that threshold and it's guaranteed to get comments.

My mom is one of the worst. Any time someone mentions my current pregnancy she says it better be the last one. Um? While I am grateful that you spoil my kids, and help with them, we've never ASKED for your help. We've never said, "If you don't buy us this, we won't be able to feed or house our kids". Our life looks so differently than hers was, that she just cant fathom we LIKE the kids and want them around (even though #5 was a huge shock that I was less than excited about at first.She IS coming and she will be just as loved as the rest of them)



#135 Murphy101

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 11:44 AM

I would, but pretty sure it would kill my husband :)

It took a few years to talk him into #4, and I'm 41 now, so yeah...

But part of me thinks how nice it would be for little Rosie to have a sibling closer in age.

*sigh* I think that about my Rosalee too.

So do her siblings. My 22 yr old son asked when I was going to have another last week and suggested we hurry up about it too. There were quite a few siblings chiming in that they heartily agree. Which while heart warming is not quite as enthusiasticly endorsed by this older fainter of heart mom.

I told my boys, I won't say a word about getting wives or babies before 25, and I'll try to never be That Mom/Mil, but just so they know... at some point I'm not going to be able to be the primary source of this family's baby fever solutions.

Edited by Murphy101, 17 August 2017 - 11:49 AM.

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#136 Plum Crazy

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 11:47 AM

I don't mean to make light of this, but I grew up with The Brady Bunch and 8 is Enough (ok that title is not so great). They were my only context for large families. I can't remember any episodes where people comment about how many kids they have or say rude things. Although it's been forever since I've seen any of them and I don't watch The Duggars. But when did it become acceptable to say things out loud that are better off left in your head?



#137 Murphy101

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 11:47 AM

Murphy, you are my hero, and your husband is fantastic.

And yeah, people are idiots. I just remembered why I fired my first Ob, with the oldest. I'd gotten pregnant while still engaged (to my now ex...never should have married him, was totally stressed out at the time) and so there I am, 21 years old, legs spread and the doctor asks if we were "trying". I said no, and he said, condescendingly, 'Oh, so you got knocked up."

I asked for my records on the way out and never went back. Still angers me. I was there for medical care, not moral judgment.


What a... jerk. And it's just stupid. So people who were trying didn't get knocked up, they just got ..what? Oh yeah. Same thing. Pregnant. Ugh.

I always answer yes because IME if I don't they note the pregnancy as "unwanted". No. Not planned does not equal unwanted.
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#138 BlsdMama

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 11:52 AM

In other words, please do not react in horror in front of my children when you hear how many I have. Or say loudly how I had better not have another one. Or call me up and ask if my husband has had his vasectomy yet, and then get upset he hasn't.

These are children, not tumors or heart attacks. I happen to like them, in fact. I don't mind the "hands full" comments, I do have my hands full. But when you say things that imply that I have too many, or that more would be a terrible misfortune, I want to hit you. Hard. Especially when you say it in front of my kids, who are then left to wonder if it is a bad thing that they were born.

:cursing: :cursing: :cursing: :cursing: :cursing: :cursing: :cursing:

I've gotten said comments at least half a dozen times in the past two weeks. And I'm over it. I get not everyone wants a big family, but that's fine. Don't have one. But unless I am having sex with you my family planning methods are none of your business.


Sorry about the month. I think people have been "trapped" with their kids all summer and we boggle their minds a little bit. Here's to hoping you run into someone amazing soon who blesses you wildly.
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#139 Murphy101

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 11:57 AM

I'm a bit too southern for my own good...I smile at everyone I see.

Me too. The weirder the stranger, the tighter my smile. Because I was always taught it's generally a good policy to smile and nod at crazies and get away swiftly. And generally smiling at people is just nice anyways.

I also have an awful problem with laughing in appropriately.

Rose woke up between the two of us a couple weeks ago and had grabbed dh's insulin pump. It seems nothing new. Every baby since he got it has done this at some point and they can't hurt it or themselves. But she suddenly decided to swing the pump by the line and woke us up by swinging it like a lasso at a rodeo and bashing him in the face with the pump end and then he jerked away hard enough while she still had some of the line that it yanked the catch out of his arm. Gave the poor guy a bloody nose. And I'm sitting here laughing my butt off until I'm crying while asking if he is okay. Not my best wife moment.

Edited by Murphy101, 17 August 2017 - 11:57 AM.

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#140 shawthorne44

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 12:21 PM

I wonder if times have changed since the dark ages of the 80's?   I remember traveling in high school with two female teachers for Academic Decathlon.  Ten kids close in age and about as rainbow-ish as physically possible.   I got all the kids to call one of the teachers Mom when we were out and about.   I thought it was hysterical.   No one batted an eye.   


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#141 scrapbookbuzz

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 12:43 PM

My third was due in February and at Christmas before he was born my husband's mother slid an envelope across the dinner table and it was a card with cash saying "for vasectomy".

No neither of us had ever even hinted about birth control in general, much less wanting to do that.

Awkward and anger inducing and made it feel like new baby was unwelcome too. And yeah we gave it back and my Dh was far more diplomatic than I'm likely to ever be and for sure wasn't at 24.

 

How incredibly RUDE of her! Wow. Just wow. I think I would have looked over at her and said, "Seriously??" And then after watching her

hem and haw and try to back peddle a bit (a lot), say something like, "Hey, thanks for the monetary gift. Honey, maybe we can plan that vacation now!"



#142 scrapbookbuzz

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 12:44 PM

I wonder if times have changed since the dark ages of the 80's?   I remember traveling in high school with two female teachers for Academic Decathlon.  Ten kids close in age and about as rainbow-ish as physically possible.   I got all the kids to call one of the teachers Mom when we were out and about.   I thought it was hysterical.   No one batted an eye.   

 

 

:lol:



#143 ktgrok

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 01:10 PM

oh, and when pregnant with the 4th, EVERYONE I met assumed it was an accident. Um, no. Used fertility monitor stick things and everything. We were definitely trying...enjoyed trying in fact, lol. But every radiology tech that did an ultrasound, lab draw person, and random stranger was sure it was an accident. No one could actually want a 4th kid. Sigh. 


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#144 mommyoffive

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 01:13 PM

Since I only have 3 I don't hear those comments.  My instinct would be to want to ask something like, "Do you have Asperger's?  If you do, your socially unacceptable question is understandable, but if you're neuro-typical then it isn't."

 

This is a good retort for lots of instances.  I might have to use it


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#145 mommyoffive

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 01:14 PM

My third was due in February and at Christmas before he was born my husband's mother slid an envelope across the dinner table and it was a card with cash saying "for vasectomy".

No neither of us had ever even hinted about birth control in general, much less wanting to do that.

Awkward and anger inducing and made it feel like new baby was unwelcome too. And yeah we gave it back and my Dh was far more diplomatic than I'm likely to ever be and for sure wasn't at 24.

 

 

Well

 

I have no words.  That is the worst thing I have heard.   I am sorry.   How she even thought that was an ok thing to do, I don't understand.  



#146 Tanaqui

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 01:23 PM

Since I only have 3 I don't hear those comments.  My instinct would be to want to ask something like, "Do you have Asperger's?  If you do, your socially unacceptable question is understandable, but if you're neuro-typical then it isn't."

 

Please don't reply to rudeness with ablism. That's pretty offensive. Why not just say "That's a very personal question" or "Excuse me?" or anything else explicitly endorsed by Miss Manners?


Edited by Tanaqui, 17 August 2017 - 01:24 PM.

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#147 Homeschool Mom in AZ

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 02:29 PM

Please don't reply to rudeness with ablism. That's pretty offensive. Why not just say "That's a very personal question" or "Excuse me?" or anything else explicitly endorsed by Miss Manners?

 

I have a relative with Asperger's and he does ask things like this.  So, since people with Asperger's do ask these kinds of questions, allowances should be made. Knowing what we're dealing with can actually matter in these situations.
 


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#148 Arctic Mama

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 02:50 PM

oh, and when pregnant with the 4th, EVERYONE I met assumed it was an accident. Um, no. Used fertility monitor stick things and everything. We were definitely trying...enjoyed trying in fact, lol. But every radiology tech that did an ultrasound, lab draw person, and random stranger was sure it was an accident. No one could actually want a 4th kid. Sigh.

That's so weird. It's not like your youngest three are all that far apart in age either, where it might make sense that one was the straggler caboose kiddo. My husband actually had a coworker who said he was thrilled his parents were pro life because he is sixteen years younger than his next closest sibling, and I imagine they got their fair share of comments :lol:

When I go to the store with everyone tonight I'm totally going to pay closer attention to the comments and see if maybe I'm just ignoring the rudeness and incredulity in them by habit or if people really do have mostly nice things to say to us. I'm super curious now :p

Edited by Arctic Mama, 17 August 2017 - 02:52 PM.


#149 Tanaqui

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 02:53 PM

I have a relative with Asperger's and he does ask things like this.  So, since people with Asperger's do ask these kinds of questions, allowances should be made. Knowing what we're dealing with can actually matter in these situations.

I actually am an autistic individual. I am telling you that this sort of comment is offensive. It's right up there with "what, are you a r*****?"

 

You can just say "That's a personal question" and leave it at that. You don't need to know "why" somebody said what they said, or snark at them.


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#150 maize

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Posted 17 August 2017 - 02:56 PM

oh, and when pregnant with the 4th, EVERYONE I met assumed it was an accident. Um, no. Used fertility monitor stick things and everything. We were definitely trying...enjoyed trying in fact, lol. But every radiology tech that did an ultrasound, lab draw person, and random stranger was sure it was an accident. No one could actually want a 4th kid. Sigh.


You need to have a few more. Eventually people figure out that yes you must being choosing this on purpose :D
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