Would you want to know if your 12 yo was an impolite dinner guest at someone's home?

[Tap]

If he was just picky, I would say let it go.

 

But he acted Rude, made a big deal out of something that he shouldn't have. The mom needs to know so she can talk to him about it.

 

 

I would say something like this

 

"you know the other day when you asked if ds was polite? Well I have been mulling over whether or not to mention something, so I decided to tell you and let you do what you want with the information.

 

When ds was here he.....

 

It wasn't a big deal, and we just ignored the behavior, but I feel like since you asked, you would want to know the truth."

 

Then change the subject.

[Crissy]

 

That's interesting. So the only green salad you ever eat, if at all, is iceberg? I admit, I have a really hard time conceiving of lettuce as being off the normal range.:)

 

I find that curious, as well.

Even if a family only eats iceberg on occasion, would they not even recognize that another color leaf is still lettuce?

[Kate in Arabia]

I probably would have told him his comments and reactions hurt my feelings. That although you can accept he does not like the food, it is less hurtful to simply state he doesn't care for the food. He doesn't need to go on and on about it.

He made no comments, according to the OP. He asked a question, and gave one fairly brief response to a question... and I'm not sure how he went "on and on" about it. Actually, I'm having a hard time seeing how he was terribly rude here, reading just the OP, unless there was more going on? Maybe he's sensitive to pepper, but was still trying to eat it anyway. Unless he was being melodramatic, which of course would be completely different.

[Plucky]

I have learned something about myself.

 

I have learned that reading about food issues really, really upsets me.

 

It brings up all kinds of negative emotions so I am gonna :grouphug: myself and walk away.

 

Yes, people have very strong opinions on food and raising kids. :grouphug:

[joannqn]

I can say that my family would not find that meal to be normal by any means. My husband eats anything. My kids and I would have a hard time with the meal. If the salad was just lettuce with nothing on it and a dressing that we liked, it would be ok. If there were other things in it, it would depend on what's on it. We'd tried to avoid the parts we didn't like and leave them in on the plate. We've never eaten a soup like the one you described, not can I imagine make it if I saw the recipe. We'd try it and probably not eat much if we didn't like it. My kids would probably ask you for something else to eat.

 

On the side of being the host, we've had the four children of a family we know over for dinner a few times. Usually they eat next to nothing even though I served food that most kids like. The most recent time they came over, I told the mom that they didn't seem to like what I've made for them in the past and asked what they liked. We came up with some ideas and have found a couple of things I can make when they are over.

 

Because I'm a picky eater, I try to find out what guests like or will eat before they come over. I don't want to put them in a bad position like I've been in. It is very easy to offend people when you don't like the food. I've tried serving myself just a tiny bit, not eating what I didn't like, and eating what I didn't like to the best of my ability. In just about every case, the hostess noticed and said something. In one case, I forced myself to eat in an effort to be polite and ended up involuntarily vomiting. The husband was quite ticked that I threw up...as if I was just being dramatic. Now, I avoid eating at other people's houses unless I know ahead of time that they serve food I will eat or know that the menu is ok ahead of time. I'm upfront about my pickiness (even though it causes me to be teased a lot) so that people won't be surprised when I say I don't like it or no thank you.

[Plucky]

Well comments, reactions....reactions are like comments in my mind. LOL But yeah, I didn't take his behavior to be so dreadful either.

 

He might have been overly dramatic. At our table we would have laughed and pounded him on the back. Made a couple jokes and possibly offered him a sandwich. But that's the way we do things here.

 

I'm having 7 14-15 year old boys here on Friday and most will turn their nose up at the salad. These boys are the best and I love every one of them. They love coming to our house, too. I try not to make food issues with kids' friends.

[Tree House Academy]

Well, while I think the boy was being picky, I can say that if I was a child and sat down to red lettuce, I also would have wondered what I was eating. Which, by the way, I do not find it rude for a child to ask what something is. As for the soup, apparently he didn't like it and really, that is okay. I think the dramatization was probably a bit over the top and probably somewhat rude, but I also think it ruining the whole dinner for you leans more toward YOU being a bit on the picky side. I have one very, very picky eater. If it is not PB&J or chicken nuggets or the like, he is appaled. I don't love that this is the way he feels, but it is. We have tried to get him to eat other things and he will actually vomit at times when he does. He really tries, but he is just very, very picky. It is not his fault - maybe it is mine. I don't know. But when someone puts something on your plate, you feel you HAVE to eat it. It is not unfair to ask what it is if you are not sure.

 

If I had been at your house that day, seeing as I detest the red lettuce (baby greens are good, but I always pick out the red lettuce) AND the soup you made, I would have politely told you I wasn't hungry, but thanks anyway. So, yes, the kid could have at least done that.

 

Just think a bit about your expectations as well. Not everyone is going to eat the same...and not everyone will view his behavior as "rude." IMO, you were kinda snarky with him asking how his mom would feel when all he did was ask what the salad was...

[Colleen]

I think some issues are getting mixed up here...I don't think that what Colleen served is the issue. The issue is that' date=' by 12, a child should know how to conduct themselves at the table...I think that Colleen would probably have not thought the kid rude for not eating the food, she just thinks his reaction is rude, which I agree with.[/quote']

 

Thank you for clarifying this. As is often the case in the course of discussion, we've gone a bit astray here. While it's been...interesting...to me to learn that the meal served would have been wholly unusual for some, that's not my concern. I wouldn't hesitate to serve the same meal the next time around because I absolutely believe soup and salad are simple and not particularly challenging.

 

But as Home'scool said, the issue isn't the food; it's the reaction. Some have said his behavior wasn't unacceptable. I couldn't disagree more. As for asking, "What is this?", it's all in the delivery, as mrs. dash said in her post.

 

Anyway. As I said before, I'm not going to say anything to my friend (his mother). Like a few of you, I would most definitely want to know if my child behaved this way, but I have a hunch that isn't true of this other woman. Which is fine. I am glad I asked here; thanks for answering!:)

Edited March 4, 2009 by Colleen
typo

[mom31257]

I think I would tell the mom if our relationship was VERY close. When I'm having kids over to my house, I inquire as to their tastes or any food allergies. I would serve soup and salad to a group of ladies, but probably not when having a kid over for a meal, just my way of doing things. My almost 12 yo dd would have eaten the soup, but probably not the salad. She will eat several vegetables raw (tomato, cucumber, broccoli, carrots,etc.). I hope she would have been polite about it, though. That's got me thinking I need to make sure they will have those right attitudes when they are out. Thanks for bringing it up.

[Erica in PA]

 

 

The issue is that' date=' by 12, a child should know how to conduct themselves at the table. I don't care WHAT is put in front of you! You say "Thank you, this looks good!" and proceed to TRY it (or in the worst case scenario just push it around a bit.) If the child truly does not know what it is, they should say "This looks yummy! What is in it?"

 

[/quote']

 

Really? A 12 year old should be expected to be a skilled white-liar to be polite? I think that is A LOT to ask of a 12 year old. Many adults find this difficult-- I know I do, at times. I in no way would expect a 12 year old to have that skill.

[Crissy]

I would serve soup and salad to a group of ladies, but probably not when having a kid over for a meal, just my way of doing things.

 

Oh, gosh. I think it's the best way to feed a bunch of hungry boys.

I had several of them over last Saturday night. I made a big pot of soup and filled a counter with trays and bowls of healthy options so they could build their own sandwiches and salads.

 

Everyone ate so well they barely touched the plate of brownies I set out at the end of the evening.

[Murphy101]

So we sit down to eat and this boy stares wide-eyed at his salad plate. He then asks, in a dumbfounded tone, "What is this?" I stared back at him. "What do you mean, 'What is this?' It's salad." He looks at the plate. Then at me. Then at the plate. I ask, "You don't eat salad at your house?" To which he responds, "Uhhh, not much."

 

I don't think this was rude in the least for either of them. He acted like he'd never seen a salad before and she was appropriately confused by the notion.

 

I had something similiar happen to me. Nothing rude or hateful was intended. Just honest bafflement by both parties.:D

 

Ah, okay. I get (kinda sorta) that not everyone eats a ton of salad. No biggie. But seriously. A kid who's nearing 13 years old acting like he doesn't even KNOW what salad is? That's just ridiculous. I said to him in a smiling tone, "Well, you certainly don't need to eat it, but I guarantee you your mom wouldn't be real thrilled about the way you're acting right now."

 

this part is a "you had to be there" kind of thing I think.

the impression I get was simply that he didn't have to eat it if he didn't want to but there was no need for him to be snarky about it. as in, instead of acting like he'd never seen lettuce before, he could simply have decided to not eat it.

 

I think she might have presumed he was being snarky because really who here can honestly say that a 12/13 yr old doesn't even know what a salad looks like?:001_huh:

 

Next, the soup. It was a white bean-and-chicken thing.

 

boy proceeds to eat his soup in the following manner: Take one small spoonful. Breathe in and out dramatically, fanning face with hand. Take large gulp of water. Repeat. And so on. Now, again, I understand that we all have different reactions to different foods. But, aside from the fact that this soup was as plain as it gets (salt and pepper were the ONLY seasonings in there), this whole drama was beyond annoying.

 

this was annoying, but not neccessarily rude.

 

I'm seriously wondering if I should mention this to his mom.

 

no. not now. that's the part I didn't get the first time I read your post. I think bringing up things from the past is unfair. If you truely had an issue, it should have been mentioned at the time of the event. otherwise, it makes correcting the behaviro very difficult as his memory of the event is probably nil after any more than a day or two. I can't even remember what I had for dinner last night, much less what I did while eating it. Kwim?

[Joanne]

Wow. What food for thought.

 

*falls over laughing at her own bad, predictable joke*

 

1). I think the soup drama warrants an admonishment from you and mention to mom. Yes, at his age, I expect better table manners.

 

 

 

2). Soup and salad should be recongized as basic food by any american 12 year old.

 

3) The type of soup and salad presented were gourmet by typical american eating styles.

 

4). My participation in training other children is directly related to the frequency of the guest and my relationship with the parents.

 

5) I find both extremes concerning. Those who feel it's their job to rectify the behavior and limited palate of other people's children are rude. Those who cater to each guest and their own children's over the top pickyness create problems as well.

 

6). Picky eaters can be both born *and* the can be created. The response to them needs to take the origin into account ( I feel this way about "high need" labels as well).

 

Colleen, myself, my husband and each of my children would have happily enjoyed that meal with your family - some parts more than others.

[Pajama Mama]

I only invite kids over when it's pizza night. Seriously. I have wasted roast beef, chicken parm ,etc on kids that don't like anything. Come on- how can you dislike roast beef and mashed potatoes?!? My kids will try a wide variety of things-chinese food, kielbasa w/ sauerkraut, salad, soups, etc. I refuse to have other kids over when we eat "real food" because my kids might catch the picky food disease from other kids. I only invite them over if it's pizza which we have every Friday.

 

ETA: I probably would have mentioned it to the mom that evening. I would have mentioned that he might be really hungry still because he didn't like my dinner. If mom asked, I would tell her that he wasn't very polite, but I wouldn't volunteer that. I would guess that mom already knows how much her son lacks in social grace.

Edited March 4, 2009 by Pajama Mama

[KidsHappen]

I so very rarely allow my children to eat at other people's houses because they are difficult for other people to feed. I have three vegetarians in the house, one new and very cautious meat eater and one child who eats like most people do. Now my kids are very adventurous and will try just about anything at least once providing it falls in the appropriate vegetarian or not category. However, you would not believe how many typical American kids' foods are not vegetarian, hamburgers, hot dogs, tacos, pepperoni pizza, chicken nuggets, etc. Many people expect them to be polite and at least try whatever they are serving even if it is meat and I have already explained that my children are vegetarians.

 

I also have one child that is even more adventurous than the others, unfortunately she also has issues with texture and association. This means if she has previously eaten something and thrown up she will do so if she eats this again. Many people would think that she is just being dramatic and would not really throw up. Shs is not and she will. And unfortunately many people do not accept a simple, "no thank you" and they do expect a child to at least try, "one bite". As the mother of said child, how exactly am I or the child supposed to handle this? There is no polite way to say, "if I eat this, I will throw up. Really."

 

It is just so much easier to feed my children before they go to visit someone or if it is a community gathering to bring their food. I have one child that is both a vegetarian and goes to PS. It is almost impossible for her to find enough to eat in the school cafeteria and she has lost several pounds and a couple of pants sizes since starting school. She hasn't been taking lunch from home because she doesn't want to stand out as the wierd eater but has reached a point where she is going to start taking her lunch because she is hungry.

[kdeno]

:bigear:I would want to know but on the same note I would not say anything. I would cover it with love and grace. I always enjoy your posts.

 

Kari

[Kelli in TN]

Yes, if Gabriel ever comes to your house and acts like a little diva about the meal you serve, please call me and tell me. Immediately.

 

I'll have a talk with him over the phone.:glare:

 

It would never happen though. Gabriel would eat your salad and your soup and your roll and then look to see if he could finish off anyone else's meal.

 

Now if you invited Shalom over she would only eat the roll but she darn well better be polite to you while boycotting your healthy foods!:001_smile:

[Staci in MO]

I would be appalled if any of my children acted that way! Even my almost seven-year-old SHOULD know better than that.

 

But honestly? None of my children are big soup eaters. I have yet to find a soup that the entire family likes (and there are only a handful of soups that I care for). As for beans, my kids will eat beans, but they are never very excited about it. They're not my favorite either.

 

I would probably mention it to the mother. It's pretty likely that the whole "What's this?" reaction to the salad was him being obnoxious. If he has been living under a rock and has never seen salad before, he's old enough to know how to react. And I suspect that if he had genuinely *never* seen salad before, his reaction would have been a curious surprise that would not have been so offensive.

 

But, I would mention it just because he's old enough to know better. "Normal" for my kids would be meat loaf, broccoli, and mashed potatoes. But if they ever acted so dramatically and rudely at someone else's home, I would want to know.

Edited March 4, 2009 by Staci in MO
typo in title

[Heidi @ Mt Hope]

I can't imagine a salad (red leaf lettuce is available at every grocery store I've visited right next to green leaf, and red leaf is mostly green with only red tips), soup, and a roll being a foreign experience. Like you said, they are available on almost every restaurant menu. I really, really hope to teach my boys how to be polite when eating at other homes, whether or not they like the food or even know what it is.

 

My sisters and I were big eaters growing up, but somewhat picky. I didn't much care for green salad or soup growing up, but always ate them when they were served (often in our house). My mom and dad got used to our eating habits (we ate a lot), and found it very strange when our friends would come over and eat two bites. But the friends were usually polite about it. :)

 

My boys don't like the texture of beans, but my middle guy (4 1/2) will devour a baby spinach salad with cranberries, feta cheese, chopped pecans, and blush wine vineagrette dressing. My oldest will also eat baby spinach raw. I'm still working on the little guy, though he did make all sorts of pleasant noises when he ate his first soup and declared it 'licious!' There are all sorts of things they don't care for, though.

 

I remember going to a special birthday party at a friend's house in high school. She had requested her favorite meal. Shrimp scampi. I liked fried shrimp alright, but didn't care for it unbreaded. I ate every bite without making a scene, and my friend was so excited to serve such a nice meal. Now, shrimp scampi is one of my favorite meals! It is amazing how much our tastes can change as adults, even when we weren't served adventurous meals as kids. But you have to start trying at least a bite at some point...

[Sahamamama]

Yes, Colleen, your meal was "weird food" to many Americans. Soup and salad are courses that rarely enter the menu in many homes. Rolls, of course are commonplace but in many homes are always white.

 

I think the boy made a valiant effort to eat the soup. The comical reaction may have been partly his way of trying to see the humor in the situation. He's hungry, there's only "weird food" to eat, so this was his way of coping.

 

I would never dare to put any food on a guest's plate before asking if they would care for any.

 

I try to *ask* the parents of children in my home what types of food appeal to them. It is part of being a kind hostess. It is not my job to educate my friends or their children about what is appropriate food.

 

We have a family coming over on Saturday for a meal. Dh mentioned the son is autistic and the family has had great luck with going with "eliminating some kind of flour or something from his diet". Since I am pretty "up" on autism, I suspect he's on a gluten free diet. So I asked dh to get recommendations for the meal. The response was, "Oh, anything is okay so long as it doesn't contain flour", but dh said, I did find out they also don't eat beef or fish, so you better fix grilled chicken and veggies.

 

This is just good manners on my part, IMO. I want the family to feel welcome in my home, so I will fix something they will eat. Yes, I might very well go out and buy something specifically for that meal. Even if it were just one child visiting.

 

If the child you describe were visiting my home, I would have been beyond mortified that he did not find anything on the table he could eat. I would have offered peanut butter and jelly, or crackers, or even scrambled eggs. IMO that is part of being a good hostess- catering to the desires of my guests. It is my job to make the child's visit pleasant, not the child's job to make my hosting experience pleasant.

 

Now, if my sons were at a meal where red lettuce was on the plate (I have personally never seen red lettuce period, except perhaps as a garnish in a mixed salad), they would have suddenly been "not hungry". One of them would have taken a few bites of the soup, and perhaps have liked it. The other would have remained not hungry but would have perhaps tried a roll. He won't touch soup, but at least he's only 4. No, I don't cater to them the way I do to guests, but I do try to have at least one thing on the table I know they will eat.

 

:iagree:

[Colleen]

Yes, if Gabriel ever comes to your house and acts like a little diva about the meal you serve, please call me and tell me.

 

:lol:

[Katrina]

I stopped reading the replies a while back because I'm supposed to be homeschooling...(it's lovely that my kids are old enough to work somewhat independently) but I just wanted to say that in my house, we never use iceburg lettuce, we have salad 3-4 times a week, and I use beans quite a bit in my cooking. You know what...my ds, who should be used to those types of foods, probably would have had the same problems as the boy who ate at your house. (except for the roll.) Sometimes kids eat well and sometimes they don't. My son has an adversion to anything green. He's 11, by the way. He's now to the point that he'll eat salads, but he needs a whole glass of milk to choke it down, and I'm talking about 3-4 bites. If it's not refried beans then forget about it. (I've tried explaining to him that refried beans are pinto beans and they taste the same, but I don't think he quite believes me. White beans? Run for the hills.)

 

Now, my son wouldn't have made a public display but he wouldn't have eaten anything you served him, which is too bad because it all sounded good to me. (Keep in mind my son also doesn't like mashed potatoes or spaghetti. I think he's possessed.)

 

I know you've already made your decision about talking to the mother, but anyway, for what it's worth, if she had asked about his son being polite in a joking voice, then I would have answered in the same..."Well, he did have some problems eating..." while laughing about it. It would have taken the edge off while opening the door for the mother to talk to her son about it in private if she cared to.

[Rebecca in VA]

It was rude. No question. I would have *loved* Colleen's meal. And I certainly would have been hurt if someone acted so rudely about a meal that I'd prepared so carefully and with such attention to taste and nutrition.

 

However, as I've read over the replies, I've been remembering a banquet I attended last summer in Scotland. I don't know who designed the menu, but it was over-the-top with red meat and heavy fish, neither of which I eat. Even the salad was mostly meat, with a few vegetable shavings.

 

I was really, really hungry that day and had looked forward to a nice dinner. I knew the banquet was going to go on till late and I'd have no chance for more food before bedtime. When I saw course after course appearing with more and more meats and heavy starches, I wanted to burst into tears. I actually got quiet and sulky about it, because I was so extremely hungry.

 

Thankfully, no one noticed me and my little pout, but I would hate to think that someone was thinking, "Oh, Rebecca's so spoiled! Here she is, a grown adult, and she's pouting because she doesn't like the food! She just needs to try three bites, and she'll love it!"

 

I realize that this isn't a parallel situation (I'm assuming Colleen's guest was going home before long and could eat his favorite foods when he got there), but I know what it feels like to be really hungry and disappointed in the menu. I think Colleen should have offered him a little something to help tide him over.

[Sahamamama]

Looks like we all agree that it is good if people will eat as wide a variety of foods as possible, and include as many portions of vegetables as possible.

 

It is also good when people exhibit polite behaviour, consideration for their host, and acceptable table manners.

 

I think most of us agree that it is up to a person's parents to bring about these behaviours in their children.

 

I think it is inappropriate to try to train other people's children, most especially when they are guests in our home.

 

Our own manners we have control over. Having guests is a good opportunity to practice our good manners. This would, in my opinion, include not drawing attention to our guests' ignorance.

 

When I have guests I try to make sure they will enjoy the food I prepare. I would immediately try to offer an acceptable alternative if I thought my guest was not enjoying their meal.

 

I hope the age of my guest would not make any difference to my manners.

 

:iagree:

[jenadina]

My kids won't eat many veggies right now, why? Because their father refuses to eat anything but corn.

 

I can't fix this problem until he isn't here in the house to influence it.....

 

Sure you can, if your dh works outside the home...serve those veggies at lunch!!

[*Inna*]

All this food talk made me hungry. :glare:

 

I think the boy was a bit rude and dramatic, but not appallingly so. My husband, probably could've been this boy. He detests beans, soups and anything unfamiliar. It took me many years to get him to eat salads and whole wheat bread.

 

My friend brings her own food when I babysit her kids. Most of the times it's Ramen Noodles... I still serve veggies and actually got them to try cucumbers, broccoli and cherry tomatoes. The kids had this surprised look on their faces and said: "Wow, it's delicious!"

[TraceyS/FL]

Sure you can, if your dh works outside the home...serve those veggies at lunch!!

 

Truly, it's a losing battle. Part of why we are in the process of getting a divorce (NOT over veggies, but his overall behaviors).

 

And, nope, not so lucky on the job thing. He quit that last week :confused:

[katilac]

I can't imagine a salad (red leaf lettuce is available at every grocery store I've visited right next to green leaf, and red leaf is mostly green with only red tips), soup, and a roll being a foreign experience.

 

 

Who said it was a foreign experience? The OP and others are making the assumption, and it is an assumption, that the kid either doesn't know what salad is or is carrying on as if he does not.

 

All the poor kid said initially was, "What's that?" Not, "Oh my word, WHAT is THAT??" Not, "What IS that, I've never seen such a thing before!"

 

Just "What's that?" and my answer would have been simply "It's red lettuce." Why not assume he's used to a different type of salad, and simply asking what is on his plate? Perhaps he would have gone on to be rude if given this answer, but I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that such a simple question was deliberate rudeness.

 

Life is more pleasant when we don't go around assuming the worst about people.

[Colleen in NS]

To quote your thread title: "Would you want to know if your 12 yo was an impolite dinner guest at someone's home?"

 

Would you? And if I do mention it, what should I say?

 

I would want to know the facts of what my child did, not what you thought about what he did. If I had the facts, I could then make my own judgment about his politeness/rudeness and deal with it accordingly. Manners vary so much from region to region and culture to culture (as we see every time the "shoes in the house" question comes up here :lol:). Parenting practices vary, too - some want to know, some don't. Some think they should tell, some think they shouldn't. I have to evaluate all that plus the relationship when things like this come up.

[Rose in BC]

He is soon to be 13. He is our pickiest eater. I asked him what he would do if he were invited to someone's house for dinner and had soup, salad and a ww roll for dinner (I told him to imagine it was food he might not prefer).

 

There's hope for this boy. He said he'd eat it and not make a fuss.

 

Yay! I can allow him out of the house.

 

At 13 the kid should know that nothing he's going to eat is going to kill him even if he doesn't like it. There should be no fussing.

 

I would want to tell the parent but I probably wouldn't (because honestly I'd be too chicken).

[Kelli in TN]

 

I would want to tell the parent but I probably wouldn't (because honestly I'd be too chicken).

 

Me too. But I would sure gripe about it to my poor, long suffering husband after the boy had gone home.:001_huh:

[Rose in BC]

Me too. But I would sure gripe about it to my poor, long suffering husband after the boy had gone home.:001_huh:

 

:iagree:

[Scarlett]

Well, I must say that I'm totally flummoxed by the replies in this thread. Am I understanding this correctly? People really find a salad, soup, and a wheat roll to be alien foodstuffs? We have soup, salad, and bread once or twice a week. It never once occurred to me that this would be considered adventurous eating. LOL.

 

Ria

 

I'm with you....wow. I haven't eaten iceburg lettuce in years. Soup, salad and a roll are nearly as basic as one can get.

[Guest janainaz]

I would be really unhappy with my son if he was rude at someone's home - over anything. However, I would not tell another mother that her child was rude unless it was something that hurt someone else's feelings. It seems to me he was just behaving like a kid (ok, so not a polite one, but a human one). We've made some off-the-wall dinners when my son has had friends over (my dh made Indian food) and my son's friends were having a hay-day with that one. Literally, it was rice, chicken and spices. They did not like it and I made something else. I just want them to have fun and feel welcome at my house. It's my job to parent my child and not someone else's. Deep down I would be disgruntled if another mother pointed out that my son was rude (over an issue like that). I think that situation calls for some grace and maybe some humor mixed in with it. :)

[Snickerdoodle]

I'm with you....wow. I haven't eaten iceburg lettuce in years. Soup, salad and a roll are nearly as basic as one can get.

 

Iceberg lettuce is fabulous shredded on top of lentil soup. :D

[GraceinMD]

We call this "social eating" in my family. Dh was a pastor's kid and said he had to eat the oddest things - and he CAN eat things that I know he just hates. We've tried to do some training in that (and keep our strong dislikes to ourselves!) with ds.

 

However:

I WOULD gently instruct the kid if he were a guest again.

 

:iagree:

 

would they not even recognize that another color leaf is still lettuce?

If you've never had red lettuce, you might think it a bit weird.

We still laugh at (with) my mom, who said when she was first married, my dad's mom (her mil) was making salad with red leaf lettuce - but my mom thought it was rotten at the tips, so she was picking through the salad throwing away all the red leaves....

 

 

And some of my kids are not bean eaters at all, but neither is my husband. I do think it has something to do with the texture.

This is me - I just hate the texture of beans - and realize that if we are invited somewhere where they serve chili, I'm just going to have to (subtly) hold my breath and swallow those things whole. Very silly, but I just can't bite into a bean without gagging! (But your soup SOUNDS good, Colleen - I just wd have had a hard time with it! I promise I wdn't have been histrionic about it, though!)

 

dyed dill pickles

WHAT? Honestly, I've never heard that. I LOVE pickles. Drat.

 

I always let them serve themselves.

I usually just try to have something that can be "assembled" even if it's not simple - that way, if they want a tortilla with cheese and don't want the seasoned sauteed veggies and chicken/beef - well they don't have to have them! I also try to put out bowls of cut up fruits and raw veggies.

 

Colleen, I applaud you for having the boy over - fewer and fewer folks are cooking OR entertaining (maybe that's too fancy a word for having a 12 yr old over!) - so his guest skills probably aren't really up to snuff. Clearly.

[Scarlett]

Haven't read all the replies but I'd probably say nothing unless he was coming again, and then say something like "Better pack him a sandwich, he's not a big fan of my cooking." and leave it at that. Let her draw her own conclusions.

 

I sure wouldn't have let it ruin my meal, it's his problem, not yours.

 

Perfect. :)

[5kidsforME]

I understand your point of view - I've often heard things put this way.

 

To be honest, if a visiting child was jumping on the sofa I wouldn't say anything. If they were hitting the dog I'd view that as a safety issue and would remove the dog.

 

In fact the expression "In our house we __________" implies a criticism of what goes on in the guest's house, I think, and as such it is a phrase I would avoid. It comes back to my own manners. It is not good manners to humiliate someone, or imply that they are ignorant or ill-bred.

 

I completely disagree with this. In our house we do not let our own children or any visiting children jump on the couch. My bil and sil do. I, in no way shape or form, look down on them for allowing kids to jump on their couch. I think when you ask a child to please stop jumping on the couch, it is nice to let them know that in your house that is the rule. They now know that that particular activity is not allowed in your home. They are informed.

Edited March 5, 2009 by Momto4kids

[Colleen]

Who said it was a foreign experience?

 

Many people. Here are some examples ~ some of which don't use the words 'foreign experience', but the implication is clear:

 

~ the meal was "off the normal range"

 

~ "At 13, other lettuce [aside from iceberg] would have been foreign to me."

 

~ "To a majority of people...homemade soup is alien"

 

~ Someone posed an analogy, wondering what I'd do if presented with BBQ monkey. (In other words, how would I react to something foreign/strange/unknown.)

 

~ the meal would be perceived by many as "weird food"

 

~ "At that age, that food would have been foreign to me."

 

And so on. I'm not offended by any of those remarks, btw; just pointing out that many people did in fact say and/or imply that the meal would be akin to a foreign experience.

 

The OP and others are making the assumption, and it is an assumption, that the kid either doesn't know what salad is or is carrying on as if he does not.

 

I'm not making an assumption; that's precisely what what he conveyed.

 

All the poor kid said initially was, "What's that?" Not, "Oh my word, WHAT is THAT??" Not, "What IS that, I've never seen such a thing before!"

 

No, you're not accurately relaying what happened. It's about delivery. Asking what one is eating isn't offensive. Pulling a stunned face, asking in a dramatic fashion, etc. is impolite. His behavior fell into the latter category.

 

Life is more pleasant when we don't go around assuming the worst about people.

 

Agreed! And fwiw, neither I nor anyone else who's participated in this conversation has is guilty of that. I'd willingly have this boy over again. I have nothing against him. Nonetheless, I was annoyed by his behavior during the meal because it was rude. Period. The purpose of this thread was to ask if others would want to know if their child behaved impolitely during a meal. I understand that you don't consider such behavior inappropriate. I disagree.

[Crissy]

To be honest, if a visiting child was jumping on the sofa I wouldn't say anything. If they were hitting the dog I'd view that as a safety issue and would remove the dog.

 

In fact the expression "In our house we __________" implies a criticism of what goes on in the guest's house, I think, and as such it is a phrase I would avoid. It comes back to my own manners. It is not good manners to humiliate someone, or imply that they are ignorant or ill-bred.

 

Is it just the phrase, "In our house we _________," that you object to, or do you dislike any direct request or correction of someone else's child?

 

I don't think pointing out that a child is making a mistake or behaving inappropriately is necessarily implying that they are ignorant or ill-bred.

 

If a child were hitting my dog, I would certainly tell him to stop hitting my dog. It doesn't mean I believe he is ill-bred and I certainly wouldn't intend to humiliate him. It means I will not tolerate anyone abusing my dog.

That's an extreme example, of course, in a conversation about table manners, but I think the same approach applies.

Edited March 5, 2009 by Crissy

[Nestof3]

Honestly, I would want to know. I am not saying I would tell someone else's mom, but I, as a mom, would want to know.

 

I don't get offended very easily, but many people do and act so defensive as if they cannot imagine their children misbehaving or being rude. I, on the other hand, live with my children and know that they can be pretty obnoxious at times. :)

 

I always let anyone who has my children over that I sincerely want to know how they "behave" when there. Whether they would tell me is up to them, but I am very clear about it.

 

As for us, my boys can be picky, and before we eat at someone's house I tell them that they can either go hungry or find something to eat. I don't make a big deal about it, tell the hostess (if she asks) that my boys don't eat much at other people's houses (they don't even eat much somewhere else even when they like the food -- they get very excited).

 

As for salad, my mom eats iceberg because she has a hard time chewing romaine with dentures. We eat salad at least three, many times more, a week -- almost always romaine as a base with others added during the spring/summer. Everyone but Nathan likes it, but I do make him eat raw carrots.

 

Editted to add:

 

When Aaron was 15, he ate dinner at a friend's house. Guess what was served? The two things he doesn't like -- salmon and sweet potatoes. He ate them without saying a word. :)

Edited March 5, 2009 by nestof3

[Murphy101]

Originally Posted by bumbledeb

I understand your point of view - I've often heard things put this way.

 

To be honest, if a visiting child was jumping on the sofa I wouldn't say anything. If they were hitting the dog I'd view that as a safety issue and would remove the dog.

 

In fact the expression "In our house we __________" implies a criticism of what goes on in the guest's house, I think, and as such it is a phrase I would avoid. It comes back to my own manners. It is not good manners to humiliate someone, or imply that they are ignorant or ill-bred.

 

 

I disagree. It's a statement of OUR house rules, which is not neccessarily a negative against what others do in their own homes.

 

But...

 

Really?! If a 12/13 year old kid was jumping on your sofa you wouldn't say anything? If he hit your dog? Not a word???

 

The fairly average 12/13 yr old absolutely should know better than to jump on furniture at another person's house and if he didn't, he'd know better at my house within about 2 seconds. And yes, I'd probalby say in a shocked manner, "We do not jump on sofas in this house. Please stop." because I'd be honestly and sincerely shocked at that behavior.

 

(As a side note, I actually have one sofa that I let little ones under approx age 5 jump on. They are too young to resist it's trampoline effect and too small to do any damage to it. ;) But my olders absolutely know better.)

 

A fairly average 12/13 yr old had best not hit my dog either. Yes, I'll put my dog away for it's safety and tell the kid he's going to have to go home. (My dog is a total wuss and would probably wee on the carpet all the way underneath my bed if someone yelled at it, much less hit it.)

 

I'm not being snarky I'm just honest horrified that anyone would let 12/13 year olds act in that terrible a manner and say nothing.:svengo::scared:

[Jenny in Florida]

And she said she hoped he was polite here at dinner. Well, he wasn't, imo. At all. But does she genuinely want to hear that? Would you? And if I do mention it, what should I say?

 

Well, I think the ship has sailed, because you already had the conversation with the mom and didn't say anything then. However, if it were me in that situation, I might have laughed and told her he did fine, except that he seemed a little thrown by the dinner I had served. I might then have followed that up by asking what things he likes at home, so that I could be better prepared the next time he comes over.

 

That way, you would make it clear that there had been a little bump in the road, but that there are no hard feelings and the child is welcome in your home again.

 

If another parent said something equivalent to me about my kid's behavior, you can be I'd be grilling that child the entire car ride home to find out exactly what happened and lecture about -- um, I mean "discuss" -- how to handle things more appropriately in the future.

[Murphy101]

Just so others don't feel bad...

 

a curious questions about what we do with our own kids...

 

when your kid is eating a meal elsewhere (like the situation given by OP) do you feed them before and or after the event or at least offer to?

 

I always have just to be on the safe side.

 

If they eat before they go or know mom will let them eat when they get home, they are less likely to make a fuss over a less than appealing meal to them.

 

And no one ever feels like the kid is being starved or whatever.

 

Not that it matters. They are all string bean skinny and they are likely to eat a full meal before they leave, a meal at the event, and a full meal when they get back 90% of the time.:lol:

 

Just curious...

 

I've always thought every parent does this to some degree?

[Plucky]

Just so others don't feel bad...

 

a curious questions about what we do with our own kids...

 

when your kid is eating a meal elsewhere (like the situation given by OP) do you feed them before and or after the event or at least offer to?

 

I always have just to be on the safe side.

 

If they eat before they go or know mom will let them eat when they get home, they are less likely to make a fuss over a less than appealing meal to them.

 

And no one ever feels like the kid is being starved or whatever.

 

Not that it matters. They are all string bean skinny and they are likely to eat a full meal before they leave, a meal at the event, and a full meal when they get back 90% of the time.:lol:

 

Just curious...

 

I've always thought every parent does this to some degree?

 

 

Yes, especially when my boys go through the bottomless pit hunger stage of development. I didn't want the boys to eat them out of house and home.

[Murphy101]

Yes, especially when my boys go through the bottomless pit hunger stage of development. I didn't want the boys to eat them out of house and home.

 

ug.. if it's a stage then it started at birth and hasn't ended yet for most of mine. my mil says she and fil just sit back and watch in amazement wondering what black hole in the universe is filling up as they eat. and it doesn't seem to matter how much I feed them before they leave.:eek::blushing:

[KidsHappen]

Just so others don't feel bad...

 

a curious questions about what we do with our own kids...

 

when your kid is eating a meal elsewhere (like the situation given by OP) do you feed them before and or after the event or at least offer to?

 

I always have just to be on the safe side.

 

If they eat before they go or know mom will let them eat when they get home, they are less likely to make a fuss over a less than appealing meal to them.

 

And no one ever feels like the kid is being starved or whatever.

 

Not that it matters. They are all string bean skinny and they are likely to eat a full meal before they leave, a meal at the event, and a full meal when they get back 90% of the time.:lol:

 

Just curious...

 

I've always thought every parent does this to some degree?

 

I always do this because of the reasons I listed in my previous post. I also always tell the hostess that they are vegetarians or have eating issues and that I have already fed them and they are not starving. My kids also know that they are always welcome to eat more when we get home if they would like as well. I have an open kitchen at my house. All of the children are older and are perfectly capable of going in the kitchen and making themselves a sandwich or ramen noodles or some other kind of snack. So in our family, the only time food is an issue is if someone else makes it one. And the only time I can recall it being a problem is when people fail to understand the meaning of vegetarian or even worse when they question our family's decision on this matter. :001_huh:

 

Every family has different rules and expectations regarding food and even manners really so I have instructed my children to watch and follow. If they pray, you close your eyes, bow your head and remain quiet until they are done, if they use napkins then you do the same, if they wait until everyone has been served then you do the same and so on. I would hope that this would be acceptable to most people.

[Liz CA]

 

On the other hand, I can't think of the last time I was served iceberg lettuce.:D Maybe at my mom's? But no, even she uses red or green leaf, I think ~ or maybe mixes those in with iceberg.

 

Huh. Whaddya know? I guess it's good I'm getting this feedback, because in all honesty, I seriously would have never, ever thought people eat salad that seldom.:)

 

I think it may be an issue of what we are used to. I serve (and eat) salad with all kinds of lettuce probably at least once a week - more often in the summer when we have home-grown tomatoes and other goodies from the garden, however for some people who either "don't live close to the land" or shop this way, it really may be strange food.

 

I also think what was served is not the point here. As a mother I would want to know about my son's behavior because I don't want him to be insensitive, impolite or unappreciative. From early on I practiced with my son what to do when he encountered something unpalatable (for him) on his plate, especially at other people's houses. I also mentioned that people cook differently and he should at least try things even if he doesn't like it very much - and certainly not loudly comment on it if he finds it less than tasty.

 

For what it's worth, I was once a witness (with my jaw falling to the floor) to the following scene: Three couples with their respective children were gathered at one couple's house after a delicious dinner (roast, veggies, rice, fruit, etc - the works) had been served when one of the women said: "Oh thank you so much, this was an excellent meal." The woman's daughter piped up: "No, it wasn't. I didn't like it!"

I sat at the table paralyzed wondering where her mother (a friend of mine but with obviously different child rearing principles) had been for the past twelve years.

Edited March 5, 2009 by Liz CA

[JumpedIntoTheDeepEndFirst]

I was once given some sage advice by my mother. (Something that was probably practiced by my MIL as well.)

 

Raise your children to eat a meal at home in the same manner you would wish them to eat in public.

 

That includes table manners, comments, faces, foods, etc.

 

I try, I may not always succeed but I try.

[bumbledeb]

I completely disagree with this. In our house we do not let our own children or any visiting children jump on the couch. My bil and sil do. I, in no way shape or form, look down on them for allowing kids to jump on their couch. I think when you ask a child to please stop jumping on the couch, it is nice to let them know that in your house that is the rule. They now know that that particular activity is not allowed in your home. They are informed.

 

They should already know. Their parents should have made sure they knew this was bad manners before they ever let them be a guest in someone else's home. If the host corrects a guest's manners it is a clear indication that the host believes the guest's manners are lacking. To express this belief is bad manners on the part of the host, I believe.

 

Is it just the phrase, "In our house we _________," that you object to, or do you dislike any direct request or correction of someone else's child?

 

I don't think pointing out that a child is making a mistake or behaving inappropriately is necessarily implying that they are ignorant or ill-bred.

 

If a child were hitting my dog, I would certainly tell him to stop hitting my dog. It doesn't mean I believe he is ill-bred and I certainly wouldn't intend to humiliate him. It means I will not tolerate anyone abusing my dog.

That's an extreme example, of course, in a conversation about table manners, but I think the same approach applies.

 

I'm not sure if the same approach definitely applies, since hitting a dog is somewhat more than simple bad manners, I think. However, for the sake of the discussion, if we consider hitting dogs to be bad manners comparable to bad table manners, then, yes, I believe it would be bad manners to make a comment to that effect. I think that well-mannered people do not draw attention to the failings of others' manners.

 

I disagree. It's a statement of OUR house rules, which is not neccessarily a negative against what others do in their own homes.

 

But...

 

Really?! If a 12/13 year old kid was jumping on your sofa you wouldn't say anything? If he hit your dog? Not a word???

 

The fairly average 12/13 yr old absolutely should know better than to jump on furniture at another person's house and if he didn't, he'd know better at my house within about 2 seconds. And yes, I'd probalby say in a shocked manner, "We do not jump on sofas in this house. Please stop." because I'd be honestly and sincerely shocked at that behavior.

 

(As a side note, I actually have one sofa that I let little ones under approx age 5 jump on. They are too young to resist it's trampoline effect and too small to do any damage to it. ;) But my olders absolutely know better.)

 

A fairly average 12/13 yr old had best not hit my dog either. Yes, I'll put my dog away for it's safety and tell the kid he's going to have to go home. (My dog is a total wuss and would probably wee on the carpet all the way underneath my bed if someone yelled at it, much less hit it.)

 

I'm not being snarky I'm just honest horrified that anyone would let 12/13 year olds act in that terrible a manner and say nothing.:svengo::scared:

 

I had in mind an image of a younger child jumping on the sofa or hitting the dog.....

 

I certainly would agree that a 12 - 13 year old should know better than jump on the sofa or hit the dog. Just as an adult should. In fact I simply can't imagine a situation like that arising. However, theoretically, if such a thing should happen, I would react in the same way as if an adult was behaving like that. I would not take it upon myself to correct their manners - that, I believe, would be bad manners on my part. If I didn't want my sofa jumped on or my dog hit I'd try to politely put a stop to the situation. Perhaps by suggesting an alternative fun activity. Like taking the dog for a walk or having a snack or something. As I say, I don't think this situation could arise. I'd most likely not invite the person back to my house.

 

I think that there is no reason to treat a 12 - 13 year old guest with less good manners than an adult guest. Or indeed a guest of any other age. Our guests' manners are none of our business. It is up to people to inform themselves and their own children as to acceptable behaviour when in the homes of others.

 

You may be able to think of more extreme behaviours that would be unacceptable. I think that at some point a line would be crossed. At some point it is no longer bad manners to ask that certain behaviours cease or that the person leave. This has never happened in my home, but I suppose it is possible.