A wife's role in marriage

[Hannah]

I'd love to hear your comments on this article.

 

'Give up work to help your husband'

KATE BUSSMANN - Feb 27 2009 08:00

 

Megan Basham seems surprisingly shy for the latest controversial American author to have charged on to the public battlefield between mothers who stay at home and those who work. Ordering an iced tea in a New York restaurant, the 33-year-old conservative commentator appears to be cut from a different cloth to the ever angrier voices on both sides of what the American media refers to as the "Mommy Wars". Her new book, Beside Every Successful Man: A Woman's Guide To Having It All, reads like a cheery pep talk for women alienated by the increasingly polarised debate.

 

In the book, Basham sets out a strategy for women who want to stay at home but can't afford to. "Most research says 80% of women want to work fewer hours when their kids are young," she says. "How can you ignore that and tell them they're wrong or naive?"

 

She argues that women can opt out of the nine-to-five by focusing on helping their husbands be more successful in their careers, and find fulfilment by doing so. And as a happy side-effect, she says, these more traditional marriages are less likely to end in divorce. She cites herself and a series of high-profile couples as examples, and backs her argument up with statistics such as: "Men whose wives aren't employed earn on average 31% more than single men, but for men whose wives have full-time jobs, that number drops to 3,4%."

 

Critics have denounced the book as irresponsible, delusional, immoral and misleading, but Basham insists she didn't expect such reactions. "It wasn't originally meant to be political," she says. "But at the time, there were books coming out saying that women must work full-time, that it's not fair to the sisterhood to take any time out. I just didn't feel they were realistic. I'd noticed how many successful men would say, 'I wouldn't be here without my wife,' and I was curious, I wanted to know what these women were doing. I wanted to emulate them."

 

In fact, she already had: the book tells the story of how she helped her husband, Brian, now a TV weatherman, work out what he wanted to do with his life. But more than just acting as cheerleader, she rewrote his CV, researched jobs, wrote letters and found him an agent. And when he landed his first job in the business, she quit full-time work as a journalist and university curriculums editor, went freelance and moved from Arizona to Texas. They now live in Tucson, where he works on breakfast television. After a long time trying for kids, she is five months pregnant and looking forward to "finally scaling back" her work in the summer.

 

"Women are collaborators," she says. "We have a more communal concept of success, and a lot of that applies to our relationships. Look at Michelle and Barack Obama. People forget she introduced him to the political scene in Chicago."

 

Her main critic is the formidable Leslie Bennetts, a Vanity Fair contributor and author of The Feminine Mistake -- an urgent warning to women that if they step out of the workforce for as little as three years, they will permanently damage their earning potential. When the pair appeared on a television show together, sparks flew.

 

"After the cameras went off, she turned and screamed at me," Basham recalls. "She must have misunderstood me, because I didn't say all women should be at home, barefoot and pregnant. I'm talking about women pursuing their dreams. I was shocked that she would brook no alternative, that there is such a violent reaction to suggesting other options."

 

For her part, Bennetts accuses Basham of misrepresenting facts, and it is true that Basham knows how to spin her statistics. Take what she refers to as the "male marriage premium", which states that when a man gets married, his earnings increase by between 20% and 50%, while women often experience the opposite: a "marriage penalty". While this kind of inequality enrages her opponents, Basham argues that if wives encourage their husbands to earn more, the extra household income enables women to take a pay cut.

 

Basham's approval of the "traditional" family is clearly influenced by her own experience. The daughter of an unwed teenage mother, she grew up to be, she says, "pretty pro-life". Her parents reunited and married when she was five, before having two more children. After all her offspring had left home, her mother became an interior designer, and Basham holds her up as an inspiring example of a stay-at-home mother going on to have success.

 

Basham's book has arrived at a point when the Mommy Wars debate is more polarised than ever. One month after her row with Bennetts, a section of the American religious right launched their True Women Manifesto, calling for a counter-revolution to the advances of feminism. It asserts that men and women are designed to reflect God in "complementary and distinct ways", essentially arguing that women belong in the home, men in the workforce, and that women can be liberated through submission. It's an extension of a Biblical concept known as "complementarianism", one that Basham doesn't entirely reject.

 

"You can see that biologically there are differences between the way our brains are wired. And some of the things we prioritise might be different," she says. "The problem is that I know couples who are the opposite, so you can't say all women are complementary to their husbands. At the same time, I think the negative thing is pretending that women are men, setting up a paradigm by men's rules, assuming that only success in business is achievement."

 

Does she receive hate mail? "Yes," she says, with a dismissive laugh. "I've had a lot of emails from college students who are clearly in the midst of their women's studies, saying I must be uneducated. I took feminist studies like everyone else."

 

She describes herself as a "choice feminist", and in the book, writes that "though the feminist movement was essential in many respects, certain factions of it have led to a place where women are encouraged to treat their husbands as rivals and their homes as battlegrounds over whether everyone is doing the same amount of the dishes and earning".

 

Indeed, in the Basham household, she does more housework, "but he gets up at 2.30am. My schedule's not as tough. I think it's a bit silly to insist that the division of labour be 50-50, because, well, whose version are we talking about? Most men have a higher tolerance for messiness than women so they think the labour is being evenly divided. It's so funny, because when you show any love or support, well, you're letting down the sisterhood. Really, I'm not." - guardian.co.uk © Guardian News and Media 2009

[lionfamily1999]

She sounds more middle ground than many of the other people pushing agendas. I think they went over board with their critique of her book. Their negative reactions don't seem grounded in much reality.

[AndyJoy]

I think this book sounds awesome and can't wait to read it. I'm sick of being told that I'm wasting my life, intellect, talents, etc. by choosing to stay at home. Like this author, I'm not going around telling everyone they have to stay at home, but it's nice to have someone respect my CHOICE to do so.

 

Sometimes it is hard to believe the virulent hate that gets spewed at women who make this choice. Too many people believe that if you choose to stay home, it can't have been an informed opinion--you must have been coerced or uneducated. I have a college degree and scored in the 99th percentile on standardized tests, so I really make these people mad that I'm "ruining our society" by not "contributing", especially since I don't have kids yet. My husband is a brilliant engineer, but he needs a lot of emotional support to do his best that I cannot give him working 40 hours a week outside the home. Neither of us would do our best for society if we both worked outside the home. We did that for a while and came home worn out, snippy, and unsatisfied. We didn't eat as well, we spent more time unwinding in front of the TV, etc. Now, I have a home-cooked dinner ready, he quickly unwinds, and we have the time (and energy!) to spend time together constructively.

 

Her point about men thinking we're doing more because they hate housework is so true in my life! I've worked outside the home enough years to know that I would much rather be at home cooking, crafting, cleaning, etc. than have to deal with the junk he endures at work.

[lionfamily1999]

In all fairness, women that work, with children in day care, get plenty of hate spewed at them too.

 

I think this lady sounds much more middle of the road, or at least understanding, than a lot of the talking heads involved in this particular debate.

[OH_Homeschooler]

Sometimes it is hard to believe the virulent hate that gets spewed at women who make this choice.

 

I've been on both sides of the fence and trust me, there's enough hate to go around for either choice. Some people pick on women who stay home, others pick on women who work outside the home.

 

As for my opinion, I agree with WendyK.

[lionfamily1999]

I've been on both sides of the fence and trust me, there's enough hate to go around for either choice. Some people pick on women who stay home, others pick on women who work outside the home.

 

As for my opinion, I agree with WendyK.

It's very much the same situation with breast feeding or not. Women that choose, from the beginning, to do either hear so much crap from the other camp. Then, it seems like most women issues are this way. Either you're for it or against it, heaven help you if you're in the middle of the road.

[TravelingChris]

I think it is true in our situation. Certainly I think it would have been almost impossible for my dh to rise to the rank he is having all three of our children but if I expected him to be doing at least 1/2 of the medical duties. I also think that if I had been working in my original field, I would have not had him volunteer for an overseas assignment that really helped his resume.

[Karenciavo]

Her main critic is the formidable Leslie Bennetts, a Vanity Fair contributor and author of The Feminine Mistake -- an urgent warning to women that if they step out of the workforce for as little as three years, they will permanently damage their earning potential. When the pair appeared on a television show together, sparks flew.

 

"After the cameras went off, she turned and screamed at me," Basham recalls. "She must have misunderstood me, because I didn't say all women should be at home, barefoot and pregnant. I'm talking about women pursuing their dreams. I was shocked that she would brook no alternative, that there is such a violent reaction to suggesting other options."

 

I'm shocked Basham was shocked by the shouting. :lol:

[Remudamom]

I'm surprised that people get negative reactions for choosing to stay at home. No one has ever fussed at me for staying home, but I've had women tell me they wish they could stay home too.

 

Maybe it's very different living out on the ranch instead of in a big city. Dh says we'd make less money if I worked, with child care, working costs etc. Personally I never want to join the work force. I'm not considering it now, even with all the children older.

[Colleen]

I'm surprised that people get negative reactions for choosing to stay at home.

 

I'm surprised, too. And "virulent hate"? Huh. Okay. I've never had the impression anyone else has the slightest interest in the matter ~ which is of course as it should be. Likewise, I don't think my friends with children who have careers outside the home get flak for their choice, either. Sometimes when women talk about the angry feedback they get for their choices ~ homeschooling (or not), breastfeeding (or not), working outside the home (or not) ~ I'm left wondering if they aren't opening themselves up to the criticism by engaging in discussions that are best left unspoken.

[Colleen]

Writing and publishing a book seems to be so easy these days. Whatever your opinion on whatever subject ~ write a book! What strikes me in this case is that we have here a relatively young woman, a woman who's not yet experienced marriage with children, but lo and behold! she has the answers.

 

I want more books from octagenerians. Give me wisdom and experience, not mere self-congratulatory opinion.

Edited February 27, 2009 by Colleen

[kaylk in tx]

"Men whose wives aren't employed earn on average 31% more than single men, but for men whose wives have full-time jobs, that number drops to 3,4%."

 

could the cause be maybe the husband was making more $ and that meant the wife could AFFORD to stay home. does she have any data that compares men of similar jobs??? i'd be surprised to find a big salary gap like that if you're comparing married attorneys with wives at home to married attorneys with wives that work.

[klmama]

I think she makes some good points. I think the part about men earning more with stay-at-home wives would particularly be true for men in white-collar jobs where there is room for advancement based on effort. Dh's salary has increased significantly since I started staying home. I've supported him by encouraging him to take on more challenging work assignments and by accepting that they will mean longer hours on his part. Of course, longer hours for him means more household responsibility for me, and I'm okay with that. His willingness to work harder and longer hours has translated into promotions and higher pay, more than compensating for the salary I could have earned had I kept working outside the home.

[Remudamom]

 

I want more books from octagenerians. Give me wisdom and experience, not mere self-congratulatory opinion.

 

Yep. When that older couple at church with the lovely family starts leading the parenting class, I'll be there. PHFFTT on the classes whose leaders have a two yr old.

[Tutor]

I think that you could rename the thread "A spouse's role in marriage" and the content of the article would be applicable and address an often over-looked aspect of marriage. Yes, there is a lot of conflict between the two camps of one vs two income households, but I think that many married couples need to be reminded that whatever their choice, they need to encourage each other in their pursuits for to do so is to benefit all members of the family.

[Mekanamom]

I'm surprised that people get negative reactions for choosing to stay at home. No one has ever fussed at me for staying home, but I've had women tell me they wish they could stay home too.

 

Maybe it's very different living out on the ranch instead of in a big city. Dh says we'd make less money if I worked, with child care, working costs etc. Personally I never want to join the work force. I'm not considering it now, even with all the children older.

 

Yep, I definitely saved us a bunch of money by staying home when my kids were little. Daycare for three of them would have used up my paycheck and my job would have put us in a higher tax bracket.

 

And now I'm saving us at least $30k/year by not sending them to private school.

 

I don't think that women "should" stay home or "should" work outside of the home... I think that women "should" think for themselves and do what they feel is right for their situation. LOL. I believe that women have brains and can use them without being told what to think. ;) Choice is good! Not everyone will choose the same thing...

Edited February 27, 2009 by Mekanamom

[1bassoon]

I want more books from octagenerians. Give me wisdom and experience, not mere self-congratulatory opinion.

 

:iagree: absolutely, Colleen.

[Nestof3]

I don't really see a need for statistics and writing books like these. Each person has to decide what is best for him/herself.

 

I can state my experience. In my experience, my husband is more successful because of me. I help him in his business, and I help by taking care of what needs to be done around here that he cannot do because he is working.

 

I do feel it is my calling now to be home. I also feel it is my calling to be his helpmeet.

 

But, I will also add that our marriage only works when he sees fit to assist me as well.

[Colleen]

PHFFTT on the classes whose leaders have a two yr old.

 

Here's one for you. A book called Table for Eight: Raising a Large Family in a Small-Family World. The author has four young children (I think she's expecting another).

 

:001_huh:

 

Thing One: Why is a woman with a family of six writing a book called Table for Eight?

 

Thing Two: Why is a woman whose family is still so young writing a book about raising a family?

 

Never mind. I remember the answer now. Because it sells.

[mrsdrcook]

This is an interesting discussion to have with your spouse. The subject came up with us when considering how much life insurance to take out. Our situation is unique though because my husband is legally blind and cannot drive. I don't question whether I help him in his work. I know it and he does too. I do work outside the home, part time, but he cheers the loudest when mommy gets a day off to stay home. :)

[Katrina]

I don't think that women "should" stay home or "should" work outside of the home... I think that women "should" think for themselves and do what they feel is right for their situation. LOL. I believe that women have brains and can use them without being told what to think. ;) Choice is good! Not everyone will choose the same thing...

 

Thank you! One thing that irked me about the article was that it seemed to assume that if you stayed at home you were being the submissive wife. I'm a feminist, my dh is a feminist, and I don't submit, and he doesn't want me to submit. Just because I've chosen a different career path than my dh doesn't mean I only "help" him. Yes, I do take care of things around the home and the kids so he is able to focus more on his career, work overtime and all that stuff, but he makes the money so I can focus on raising the kids without trying to manage daycare schedules, etc. (and yes, for the first couple of years of our marriage we both did work, so I speak from experience.) Like my dh says, if there's a job that needs to be done, it doesn't matter who does it as long as it gets done.

 

I do think however we women need to realize the decisions we make do impact all women to some degree. It is hard for women who choose to have a full time career to be taken seriously when so many of us drop out of the work force. AND...sometimes it's lonely for us SAHMs when at times the most stimulating conversation we've had for three days is aplauding our 3yo for making tinkle and poopoo in the potty. Let alone how hard it can be when we have little work experience and want/need to reenter the work force at a later date in our lives. As women we need to learn how to stand as a united front and support each other in all our decisions. (okay, that's my rant. Getting off my soap box now.)

[mommaduck]

I'm pro SAH, I do see it as a support to the husband...but just at the quick glance over, this statement bugged me "to support her husband being more successful in his career". More successful does not mean advancement or more money. And there are MANY jobs that simply don't permit such or are given only at certain times, not for amount of work or effort (my staying home and supporting my husband will NOT advance him in a factory situation).

[TeacherZee]

Thank you! One thing that irked me about the article was that it seemed to assume that if you stayed at home you were being the submissive wife. I'm a feminist, my dh is a feminist, and I don't submit, and he doesn't want me to submit. Just because I've chosen a different career path than my dh doesn't mean I only "help" him. Yes, I do take care of things around the home and the kids so he is able to focus more on his career, work overtime and all that stuff, but he makes the money so I can focus on raising the kids without trying to manage daycare schedules, etc. (and yes, for the first couple of years of our marriage we both did work, so I speak from experience.) Like my dh says, if there's a job that needs to be done, it doesn't matter who does it as long as it gets done.

 

I do think however we women need to realize the decisions we make do impact all women to some degree. It is hard for women who choose to have a full time career to be taken seriously when so many of us drop out of the work force. AND...sometimes it's lonely for us SAHMs when at times the most stimulating conversation we've had for three days is aplauding our 3yo for making tinkle and poopoo in the potty. Let alone how hard it can be when we have little work experience and want/need to reenter the work force at a later date in our lives. As women we need to learn how to stand as a united front and support each other in all our decisions. (okay, that's my rant. Getting off my soap box now.)

 

:iagree: I think you should stay on that soap box because you said it very well.

[Murphy101]

I'm surprised that people get negative reactions for choosing to stay at home. No one has ever fussed at me for staying home, but I've had women tell me they wish they could stay home too.

 

Yep. When that older couple at church with the lovely family starts leading the parenting class, I'll be there. PHFFTT on the classes whose leaders have a two yr old.

 

my expereince is that older women (age 60+ ) are the WORST critics of SAHMs.

 

they often felt it was imperative that a woman have "mad money" of her own, thinking that being tied down with kids and beholden to a man for support is asking for trouble.

 

and that bennet gal is a prime example of it. she left work to be a SAHM, husband ditches her, and now she feels like trusting a man to care about you forever is just stupid so all women should hedge their bets by staying in the work force and not leaving it to be a SAHM.

 

it's sad really.

that they are so bitter about a man's failure in their own life that they think all women should also be so also. they completely regret staying home and don't seem to have retained any enjoyment for that time with their children.

 

they also seem to equate happiness with monetary value far more than I ever have.

 

a lot of younger women grew up with mom's like that, being a latch-key kids and so forth and it's really stirring the pot because those women are now saying they don't want to sacrifice being with their kids for a individual financial security like their mothers did.

 

and all their mothers see is them stupidly trusting a man and thinking no woman should expect her marriage to last and so of course they discourage their daughters from staying home.

 

I really just think it's very sad.

 

 

Here's one for you. A book called Table for Eight: Raising a Large Family in a Small-Family World. The author has four young children (I think she's expecting another).

 

ha! I noted on her blog (nicely!) that I had no idea why a mother of 4 was claiming to have a large family even! But then again, it IS small only to me.;)

[cathmom]

I've been basically a SAHM for 13 years. Before that I was in college. I have read Leslie Bennetts book and her arguments are not convincing to me. She advocates being employed full-time continuously for a woman's entire life. She boasts that she has never taken off more than a weekend between jobs. She claims that staying at home is putting oneself in financial peril. Her tone is extremely condescending to SAHMs, and she seems to think that all husbands are only going to leave you high and dry or drop dead and leave you high and dry. She apparently never heard of life insurance or disability insurance, as those items are never mentioned. She feels that children's lives are enhanced by quality child care (somehow she has kept the same nanny their entire lives). She never addresses finding quality child care. She does say that you should work EVEN if your entire salary goes to pay for it, and one commenter on Amazon suggested women should work even if the child care was MORE than their salaries! (Still trying to figure that one out...) Oh, and she knows that it's really stressful to work FT and have children, but don't worry, it's only horrible for 15 years. Bennetts seems to think that being employed fulltime is some kind of job security - like she's never heard of layoffs. And both people working full-time does not guarantee security and stability - read The Two-Income Trap, which shows that many wives work to provide for necessities/basic bills/bigger mortgages, so when one person loses a job, they are in deeper trouble than a single-earner family, because the one who was not working may be able to start to provide replacement income.

 

What I would like to see is more opportunity for both spouses to work part-time. Usually this is not possible because healthcare is tied to a job. Two 20 hour a week jobs do not equal one 40 hr a week job for this reason. But I think many families would benefit from this kind of arrangement.

 

I agree that nobody should be telling anybody else what to do.

[cathmom]

and that bennet gal is a prime example of it. she left work to be a SAHM, husband ditches her, and now she feels like trusting a man to care about you forever is just stupid so all women should hedge their bets by staying in the work force and not leaving it to be a SAHM.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This did not happen to Leslie Bennetts. As far as I know, she is still happily married. But she details in her book what happened to her mother and other relatives who depended on men/left work in order to mother.

[fivetails]

I've been on both sides of the fence and trust me, there's enough hate to go around for either choice. Some people pick on women who stay home, others pick on women who work outside the home.

 

As for my opinion, I agree with WendyK.

 

It's very much the same situation with breast feeding or not. Women that choose, from the beginning, to do either hear so much crap from the other camp. Then, it seems like most women issues are this way. Either you're for it or against it, heaven help you if you're in the middle of the road.

 

Why *is* that anyway? I've seen it time and time again, especially on forums - I don't get it. Some woman stay at home, others work fulltime and choose to use childcare. (and many in between options)... Some breastfeed, some bottle feed. Some co-sleep, some use cribs & beds in the child's own rooms. Some spank, some do not. Some use time-outs, some do not. Y'get the idea. Why does one side feel like they have to scream at the other side? It's none of my dang business if a woman chooses to work fulltime - and it's none of her business if I choose to stay home. Ditto for all the other different ways of parenting.

 

It's funny...I have friends who are darn near complete opposites to me when it comes to life choices (and I don't just mean parenting)..yet we manage to get along and respect each other's choices, beliefs, etc. It ain't that hard. ;)

[TeacherZee]

Why *is* that anyway? I've seen it time and time again, especially on forums - I don't get it. Some woman stay at home, others work fulltime and choose to use childcare. (and many in between options)... Some breastfeed, some bottle feed. Some co-sleep, some use cribs & beds in the child's own rooms. Some spank, some do not. Some use time-outs, some do not. Y'get the idea. Why does one side feel like they have to scream at the other side? It's none of my dang business if a woman chooses to work fulltime - and it's none of her business if I choose to stay home. Ditto for all the other different ways of parenting.

 

It's funny...I have friends who are darn near complete opposites to me when it comes to life choices (and I don't just mean parenting)..yet we manage to get along and respect each other's choices, beliefs, etc. It ain't that hard. ;)

 

I think that often it is people who are not secure in their own choices. They feel the need to justify their own choices by completely rejecting all other choices and tell people so at the top of their lungs. It is rather sad I think.

[Amy loves Bud]

 

Here's one for you. A book called Table for Eight: Raising a Large Family in a Small-Family World. The author has four young children (I think she's expecting another).

 

:001_huh:

 

Thing One: Why is a woman with a family of six writing a book called Table for Eight?

 

Thing Two: Why is a woman whose family is still so young writing a book about raising a family?

 

Never mind. I remember the answer now. Because it sells.

 

 

Well, if Oprah can hand out marriage and parenting advice on national tv, why shouldn't this lady?:rolleyes:

[HRAAB]

I worked until my oldest two were 6 and 4. If anyone didn't approve of my being a working mother, they never said it to my face. When I quite to stay home, my co-workers said: good for you, follow your heart. Sometimes women will say something like, "I could never stay home, I would be so bored", but I take that as a comment about themselves, not about me. Same when someone says, "I could never homeschool". Fine, you don't have to. You don't have to stay home. It has nothing to do with me.

 

These books drive me nuts; there's a plethora of them out there.

 

Janet

[Murphy101]

This did not happen to Leslie Bennetts. As far as I know, she is still happily married. But she details in her book what happened to her mother and other relatives who depended on men/left work in order to mother.

 

oh my. I could have sworn she was talking about herself when I saw her some time ago on tv. My mistake and my sincere apology for making it.:blush5:

[mommaduck]

Well, if Oprah can hand out marriage and parenting advice on national tv, why shouldn't this lady?:rolleyes:

or Bill Gothard...

 

It's amazing how many people think they know what is better for EVERY SINGLE OTHER PERSON...but can't even get it together in their own life.

[cathmom]

or Bill Gothard...

 

It's amazing how many people think they know what is better for EVERY SINGLE OTHER PERSON...but can't even get it together in their own life.

 

Have you been talking to my dad????? :D

[brehon]

I think that you could rename the thread "A spouse's role in marriage" and the content of the article would be applicable and address an often over-looked aspect of marriage. Yes, there is a lot of conflict between the two camps of one vs two income households, but I think that many married couples need to be reminded that whatever their choice, they need to encourage each other in their pursuits for to do so is to benefit all members of the family.

 

:iagree: I am the sole wage earner for my family of six as my dh retired a couple of months ago. Before he retired our kids stayed at sitters' homes and we finally realized that we'd save money by having him retire. As I work, on average, 10 days a month I'm home 2/3 of the time.

 

I have to give a huge kudos to my dh -- he's stepped right in and is thoroughly enjoying teaching the kids, working around the house, and generally being Mr. Mom. I don't say this sarcastically; this is how he describes himself.

 

We support each other in whatever needs doing (actually, we did this before he retired as well). However a couple chooses to arrange their lives, it is crucial that each one vigorously supports the other. There is no one right answer beyond that, IMO.

[OH_Homeschooler]

Well I should clarify that maybe I did not face hatred about my choices, but I did experience vocal disapproval. For example, from MIL when I said I would continue working after DS was born: "But babies need their mommies!" From my mother when I decided to stay home after all: "But your brain will turn to mush!"

 

Indeed, I think the worst "choice" of all is to be born female, because you can never make everyone happy.

[katemary63]

Have you been talking to my dad????? :D

 

:lol::lol::lol:

[Audrey]

Writing and publishing a book seems to be so easy these days. Whatever your opinion on whatever subject ~ write a book! What strikes me in this case is that we have here a relatively young woman, a woman who's not yet experienced marriage with children, but lo and behold! she has the answers.

 

I want more books from octagenerians. Give me wisdom and experience, not mere self-congratulatory opinion.

 

 

My dh tells me all the time "You should write a book on that! Everybody and their monkey writes a book on something." He usually says this in reference to lifestyle or marriage topics.

 

Aside from the fact that A) I'm not an "expert" in any kind of lifestyle, and B) 11 years, no matter how good, does not make me an expert on marriage, it isn't quite that simple. Getting published isn't easy either. I'd need a real gimmick or something so outrageously bizarre that the "weirdo" factor would kick in.

 

Maybe I should try to pop out octuplets -- no, been done. Maybe if I tried to do it every year for the next 3 years? Yeah... that should make me an expert on something, right? ;)

 

As for this woman and her book -- fine. She wrote a book. Personally, I couldn't care less. Just because it's in a book doesn't make it true or valuable to me. I don't live by other women's definitions of what I, my family, my marriage or my life should be. I don't tell other people how they have to live (probably why I can't write a book, eh?) You want to know how I help my husband? By bringing in the bucks, baby, because farming alone doesn't cut it. It's what works for us. Anyone who wants to tell me otherwise can just STFU.

Edited February 27, 2009 by Audrey

[katilac]

I don't think much about it - - the woman doesn't even HAVE kids yet, for heaven's sake.

 

Of course, success in business achievement isn't the only thing that counts, for men OR women.

 

And all those things she did for her dh? It's perfectly possible and fine to do those FOR EACH OTHER.

 

It's just not a male/female thing, imo.

 

Like many other posters, I wish everyone would do what works for them, and leave everyone else the heck alone.

[elegantlion]

Why *is* that anyway? I've seen it time and time again, especially on forums - I don't get it. Some woman stay at home, others work fulltime and choose to use childcare. (and many in between options)... Some breastfeed, some bottle feed. Some co-sleep, some use cribs & beds in the child's own rooms. Some spank, some do not. Some use time-outs, some do not. Y'get the idea. Why does one side feel like they have to scream at the other side? It's none of my dang business if a woman chooses to work fulltime - and it's none of her business if I choose to stay home. Ditto for all the other different ways of parenting.

 

It's funny...I have friends who are darn near complete opposites to me when it comes to life choices (and I don't just mean parenting)..yet we manage to get along and respect each other's choices, beliefs, etc. It ain't that hard. ;)

 

:iagree::iagree:Some of my friends work full time, some of my friends homeschool. I've had people in both camps tell the other side I could never do what you do. Well great, you don't have to.

 

Me being at home has not helped dh's career one iota. He's self-employed and while I did his taxes for a few years (we decided to maintain a good marriage I wouldn't do them anymore. :D) I am a sounding board for him. I would be that whether I worked or not. It's just part of a marriage, imo.

 

I tend to take advice from people with "theories" and no experience with a grain of salt. I had a lot of good theories myself, then I lived a little.

[kewb]

She is entitled to her opinion about what works for her marriage. I can choose to listen or not listen to what she has to say. I can choose to follow some, all, or none of her advice. Life is about choices. The choices we make to enhance or own lives. What works for me may not work for another. Many of my friends are horrified when they find out that I do not cook dinner for my spouse. We have been married for 16 years. He does not see this as a problem and does not understand why other people think it is. I would not recommend this to my friends. This works for us.

[lionfamily1999]

Why *is* that anyway? I've seen it time and time again, especially on forums - I don't get it. Some woman stay at home, others work fulltime and choose to use childcare. (and many in between options)... Some breastfeed, some bottle feed. Some co-sleep, some use cribs & beds in the child's own rooms. Some spank, some do not. Some use time-outs, some do not. Y'get the idea. Why does one side feel like they have to scream at the other side? It's none of my dang business if a woman chooses to work fulltime - and it's none of her business if I choose to stay home. Ditto for all the other different ways of parenting.

 

It's funny...I have friends who are darn near complete opposites to me when it comes to life choices (and I don't just mean parenting)..yet we manage to get along and respect each other's choices, beliefs, etc. It ain't that hard. ;)

I have wondered the same thing too. Perhaps I miss all the men backstabbing and name calling and life-style questioning, but it seems to me like a primarily female thing to do. You're either with me, or you're against me. I know TONS of women that are perfectly happy with agreeing to disagree (iykwIm) and all of the men I know are like that. There's a handful of women I know, that, when we disagree (or they disagree with anyone) the other person either walks away or prepares for a verbal barrage that will. not. stop. until they are satisfied they have convinced the other party, or proven them to be a total fool.

I think that often it is people who are not secure in their own choices. They feel the need to justify their own choices by completely rejecting all other choices and tell people so at the top of their lungs. It is rather sad I think.

:iagree:

Well I should clarify that maybe I did not face hatred about my choices, but I did experience vocal disapproval. For example, from MIL when I said I would continue working after DS was born: "But babies need their mommies!" From my mother when I decided to stay home after all: "But your brain will turn to mush!"

 

Indeed, I think the worst "choice" of all is to be born female, because you can never make everyone happy.

:iagree: Hatred was rather strong, but there are two camps, and those camps are vocal enough to drown out the masses that think they're both wrong.

[*********]

I tend to take advice from people with "theories" and no experience with a grain of salt. I had a lot of good theories myself, then I lived a little.

 

HA! Ain't that the truth...

[Peri]

No offence to anyone but I just hate these sort of arguments. What is most important is that EVERYONE has the right to chose AND the right to be successful at what they chose. Every family is different and for someone to say that you as a woman should go out and join the workforce or, on the other side of the coin, stay home and tend to the family is absolute rubbish! No one knows what anyone's personal life is like therefore no one should dictate what families decide to do. I need to take care of me first and formost and I don't need anyone overburrdoning me by telling me I need to go out there and get a job. I should not be made to feel inferior or superior because of it. The desicions that I have made have been relative to my situtation just as it is for everyone.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

I'd love to hear your comments on this article.

 

'Give up work to help your husband'

 

 

Well, I gave up work of the sort that requires a less-than-flexible schedule for many years to support my husband's work and our family. And now he is giving up less-than-flexible work to support my work and our family.

 

It's a partnership, and it works for us.

[Lizzie in Ma]

Writing and publishing a book seems to be so easy these days. Whatever your opinion on whatever subject ~ write a book! What strikes me in this case is that we have here a relatively young woman, a woman who's not yet experienced marriage with children, but lo and behold! she has the answers.

 

I want more books from octagenerians. Give me wisdom and experience, not mere self-congratulatory opinion.

 

:iagree::iagree::lol: