s/o of blown trust in a marriage thread and divorce

[kalanamak]

I'm curious about those who say that infidelity is an automatic divorce. I have heard many people say it.

 

Statistics I've read say some 70% of men and 50% of women are unfaithful at least once in a marriage. Assuming some but not 100% overlap, does the infidelity is automatic divorce camp think an 80% divorce rate is desirable? I'm truly curious.

 

For example:

If you found out your spouse had had a brief affair that was always "a fling" (never a romance) some years back, would you now divorce them? That is assuming the marriage is otherwise amiable and that you have children.

[PiCO]

I'm curious about those who say that infidelity is an automatic divorce. I have heard many people say it.

 

Statistics I've read say some 70% of men and 50% of women are unfaithful at least once in a marriage. Assuming some but not 100% overlap, does the infidelity is automatic divorce camp think an 80% divorce rate is desirable? I'm truly curious.

 

For example:

If you found out your spouse had had a brief affair that was always "a fling" (never a romance) some years back, would you now divorce them? That is assuming the marriage is otherwise amiable and that you have children.

 

I would have been extremely surprised if dh cheated (he couldn't even remember the names of some of his previous girlfriends... seriously.) But it would not have meant automatic divorce.

[Tree House Academy]

If my husband broke the sacred bond of our marriage by being with another woman...in any way, shape, or form, I would leave him. There is no going back from there for me. This comes from my mother watching my grandmother raise her while my grandfather cheated with whatever walked. This comes from watching my mother divorce my loser dad after he cheated on her with 29 different women and told her on her birthday..the day that she also found out she was pregnant with me.

 

Sorry, for me it is just not an option. My husband has other choices - he can ask for a divorce, tell me things are not working out, seek counseling with me, etc. but when he reaches out to another woman, I am done. I refuse to ever let my kids live in that situation and know, like my mom did, that I didn't do something about it.

 

I am sure that is not popular opinion and I think each situation is unique and different. I am just saying what *I* would do in *my* situation with *my* husband.

[BamaTanya]

:)

I have not been through that exact scenario, but I have learned that my commitment to my marriage is much, much bigger than I would have thought. That I am more willing to make bigger sacrifices, that I have learned more about forgiveness . . .

And that doesn't mean I'm willing to put up with anything.

 

My dh has learned a lot, too. He has shown that his commitment to our marriage is big, too.

 

My marriage is important to a lot of people. Not just our children. Our friends, our relatives, our church.

 

So, no, I do not think that this "biggie" is an automatic divorce. I have seen friends walk through the hurt with grace that must have been a divine gift from God.

 

It takes TWO to walk through the fire to the other side. If one is unwilling to take the steps of recovery, the other can't do it alone.

 

There may be some biggies that would = divorce. If a man were abusive, if my dc were in danger, something along those lines.

[Catherine]

I think that my own response would depend so much on his response. If he was truly contrite, as others have pointed out in the original thread, if there was a sincere effort to allow total transparency, a true apology and true effort to change, I would almost definitely stay.

 

Truly, I cannot imagine it (I'm sure no one can) as we have such a strong relationship. Maybe, strong is in the eye of the beholder. But I guess I'm saying I'd stay because of that history of a strong relationship that is already there. If I did not have that, I'd be much less inclined to make an effort to forgive and " do the work".

 

I would also be concerned about the message kids were getting if they say that wrongdoing was not addressed honestly and sincerely. I would not want them to be around a dad who was a living example of dishonesty and weak character. I'd start to think I needed to counteract that bad example somehow.

[LaxMom]

I don't think it's realistic to make concrete statements about what I would do in a hypothetical situation. There are simply too many variables - were we going through an overwhelming rough spot? Is this "fling" with somebody he has some sort of relationship with, otherwise, like a co-worker?

 

Count me into the "we'd have to make those decisions in the context of the situation" camp.

 

But, no, if I found out about an indiscretion years after the fact, we may have to discuss the circumstances, but I probably would not divorce him.

[teamturner]

I can't exactly decide how I would react if I were in that situation. However, I do think I would have to take into consideration if I felt like I had contributed to his straying and by that I mean, was I open to him as much as I should have been? did I withold intimacy from him? did I treat him with respect and love?, etc. If I did those things and he still strayed I would be much more inclined to say...bye-bye!

[Nicole M]

You know, addiction would be a deal-breaker for me. Infidelity would be more like a red flag.

 

I'm curious, too.

[kalanamak]

 

I am sure that is not popular opinion and I think each situation is unique and different. I am just saying what *I* would do in *my* situation with *my* husband.

 

It is popular. I've heard it many times (sitting around a nurse's station in the middle of the night waiting for the lab to call with a stat value is "chat time"). But, fooling around is popular, too. I'm just trying to figure out why we don't have an 80% divorce rate: good sneaks or divorce declarers who decide against it? BTW, I've had couple men say they'd stay with their wives but kill the man! :blink:

[Mandy in TN]

I don't think it's realistic to make concrete statements about what I would do in a hypothetical situation.

 

I agree. However speaking from experience with first dh, infidelity wasn't a deal breaker. Abuse wasn't even a deal breaker... until it involved my children. I can say categorically that fearing for the safety of my children is a deal breaker. Beyond that I just don't know.

Mandy

[Heather in Neverland]

It would be a deal-breaker for me.

[sweetsouthern]

if it was recently... divorce. if it was in the past and im only finding out now... im not sure... but would be leaning towards divorce.

[CactusPair]

Not a deal-breaker for me, though it would take a lot to move past.

 

For me, there are other things that would be even more intolerable that I could not accept. There are bigger things than an affair for me personally now. When I was younger I considered infidelity a deal-breaker.

 

Dh and I have been married 18 years. At this point, I wouldn't let an affair destruct my personal set-up or our family unit.

[Joanne]

I am jaded, cynical and critical of many marriage dynamics.

 

But I don't believe in the stats you've read. (I believe you've read them, just not in their accuracy.) I *really* don't believe people cheat at those numbers.

 

Cheating is not an automatic deal breaker for me. It's an automatic consideration of divorce, but not an automatic divorce.

[Chris in CA]

as the OP of the first thread I'd have to say these thoughts are raw right now, if I knew my dh had an affair or whatever physical relationship with another woman I would plan to leave as soon as I could make it on my own

 

it would make our marriage a lie and everything I hold dear likewise - it's very cut and dry for me

Edited February 23, 2009 by Chris in CA

[Nakia]

I have no idea what I would do if my husband cheated on me. I pray I never have to find out.

[Tap]

I have told dh from day one, that if he ever cheated, and I found out, I would disappear with the kids and he would never see us again....period. I don't care if the event was yesterday or 5 years ago. If he cheats, to not bother coming home and to know that the price is that his family is Gone.

 

Dh and I have a lot of trust with each other and we have to. Dh works with a lot of women, gets constant phone calls around the clock (some of his employees begin work at 3am) and has to drop everything and leave the house for hours. He goes out of town with men/women for days. Some of his company 'team building' events have been in Mexico, Seattle, at at numerous semi-local spa resorts. He has spent days with cute coworkers in bikinis, getting drunk, and laying around spas. His group is half and half men and women. He has women in his car, and his office. Because of the nature of his job, sometimes they have to change clothes in the office, so it wouldn't be unheard of for there to be a clothing item left behind. He goes to lunch with his boss, a woman, and takes female employees out to lunch also.

 

Every single warning sign a typical wife would have to be concerned...I have every day. I can't not trust him. It isn't an option. I don't have a problem with trusting him, but if he ever cheated, we could never recover to where we are now. I hold a grudge. I know that about myself. I really don't think I could ever forgive someone who betrayed me to that point.

[OnTheBrink]

Well, I didn't divorce him after the first affair. I went to marriage counseling for 7 years with him. But you know, after time and time of "repentance" and "back sliding" it was time to take out the trash. The weeks leading up to the court date to throw him out, I unearthed info that indicated at least 11 other men he'd been with.

 

I think I'd been patient enough.

[MomOfOneFunOne]

I don't think it's realistic to make concrete statements about what I would do in a hypothetical situation. There are simply too many variables

 

Seriously, my hypothetical children NEVER did some of the things my concrete child does.

[Joanne]

I would disappear with the kids and he would never see us again....period. I don't care if the event was yesterday or 5 years ago. If he cheats, to not bother coming home and to know that the price is that his family is Gone.

 

Legally, this is not an option. Kids need their Dads and the courts don't care about infedility when they determine visitation, etc.

[Carol in Cal.]

Seriously, my hypothetical children NEVER did some of the things my concrete child does.

 

You really can't know until you are THERE.

 

I have a friend who got married during high school (!), and her husband hit her. The second time he did it, she left him. She was on welfare for years, and had a really hard life. There were no good options for her. Staying was bad, and leaving was bad. I think she made the right decision, but I would not really have blamed her if she had made a different one--she chose a very challenging path and could have been to afraid of it to move into it. For instance. Same with the infidelity.

[PollyOR]

Hmmm...I don't know what I would do after I fell apart.

 

I do have a thought. I'm thankful God gives me lots of chances and doesn't cut me off the first time I make a mistake. Of course, that is assuming that I repent (am truly sorry and do not repeat the offending behavior). If my DH were truly repentant I think God would want me to do likewise.

 

Of course, I have never been in those shoes, so this is just thinking aloud. Again, I'm not sure what I would do.

[Tammy]

unless my dh was with another man....then I would.

[Joanne]

I wouldn't divorce....

 

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unless my dh was with another man....then I would.

 

I don't understand the difference in decisions based on the gender of the cheating partner.

[Tap]

Legally, this is not an option. Kids need their Dads and the courts don't care about infedility when they determine visitation, etc.

 

That's why he needs to keep it in his pants :)

 

 

Legally, they have to find you to enforce it.

 

My stance on this is not without reason, and he knows... This action would lead to This result. It wouldn't be a surprise. If he just asked for a divorce, that would be different. If he cheats on our family, the family is no longer his to have.

[katemary63]

Well, I just don't understand how people let their relationships get to the point where cheating is an option to be honest. My DH is ME and I am him. We are like one person. We are so close, so enmeshed, dependent on each other emotionally, best friends, as corny as it sounds...soul mates....partners....that even the thought of an affair is just absurd. If things started to change between us, our first priority would be to fix it - no matter what it took. That means changing jobs, moving, counseling. WHAT EVER IT TOOK - TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT BETWEEN US, WE WOULD DO. We would never let things get so distant between us, that an affair would ever happen on either of our parts. Our first priority, after our relationship with God, is our relationship with each other. And that's not just words. It takes work and we work at it.

 

So when you ask if I would divorce my husband if he cheated on me, I first have to think about what it would take for us to be in a place relationally where he might cheat on me....I can't even imagine it. Being in that place, I mean. Just having the sort of marriage where he might cheat would be a devastation to me in and of itself. I would take action, DO something about it ...long before that.

 

signed,

 

Still madly in love every single day for twenty four years and planning to stay that way for the next 50.

[Sara R]

Statistics I've read say some 70% of men and 50% of women are unfaithful at least once in a marriage.

 

Says who? There are lots of problems with social science statistics. How could the researcher come up with an accurate number here? And how is infidelity defined? If they are including a close emotional bond, or infidelity after separation before a divorce is final, I'd like to know that. What is the researcher's bias? (Those who have been unfaithful are likely to want to see infidelity as something common and unavoidable.)

 

I wouldn't make my decision of what I would or wouldn't do based on stats like this. I'd base it on the specifics of my individual situation.

[Sara R]

I don't understand the difference in decisions based on the gender of the cheating partner.

 

I do. It's a fundamentally different situation. A man who is attracted to other men is unlikely to be happy in his marriage, no matter what changes you made in your relationship. Also, you would be putting yourself statistically at a much higher chance of getting AIDS or another bad disease.

[Sonshine]

you would be unable to give him as a woman. At least, that's something one of my friends says. Makes sense to me. I can never be a man. If he wants a man, I won't fill the bill.

[Liz CA]

It is popular. I've heard it many times (sitting around a nurse's station in the middle of the night waiting for the lab to call with a stat value is "chat time"). But, fooling around is popular, too. I'm just trying to figure out why we don't have an 80% divorce rate: good sneaks or divorce declarers who decide against it? BTW, I've had couple men say they'd stay with their wives but kill the man! :blink:

 

I've heard a few of my bil's say this as well.

I am not sure about these statistics.

But for me there is no pat answer. It would depend on so many different factors, chief among them dh's attitude.

So I could go either way. What would be certain, however, would be counseling for a long time, and many evaluations of progress or the lack thereof.

[Joanne]

Whatever he would be looking for in a relationship with a man,

 

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you would be unable to give him as a woman. At least, that's something one of my friends says. Makes sense to me. I can never be a man. If he wants a man, I won't fill the bill.

 

Hm.

 

Cheating, IMO, is a character/behavioral issue. It's not related to the desirability of the spouse.

 

Cheating is cheating, regardless of the gender.

[Liz CA]

Well, I didn't divorce him after the first affair. I went to marriage counseling for 7 years with him. But you know, after time and time of "repentance" and "back sliding" it was time to take out the trash. The weeks leading up to the court date to throw him out, I unearthed info that indicated at least 11 other men he'd been with.

 

I think I'd been patient enough.

 

You are also lucky to be alive! :grouphug:

[PollyOR]

Well, I just don't understand how people let their relationships get to the point where cheating is an option to be honest. My DH is ME and I am him. We are like one person. We are so close, so enmeshed, dependent on each other emotionally, best friends, as corny as it sounds...soul mates....partners....that even the thought of an affair is just absurd.

 

You are blessed to have a wonderful relationship. I'm happy for you!

 

There are some things that have happened in my life that I never expected, and so I have learned to say "Never say never."

[Tracey in TX]

I don't believe it's an automatic divorce, but would require a long of rebuilding of trust--maybe even years. Something that happened years ago is long in the past. We learn, grow, and hopefully don't make the same mistake twice. No, we would not be divorce-bound if DH wined and dined his former love. (Thank heavens he doesn't have any noteworthy former girlfriends, though!)

[Jumping In Puddles]

If my dh had an affair with another man, that would be an automatic divorce.

 

I do. It's a fundamentally different situation. A man who is attracted to other men is unlikely to be happy in his marriage, no matter what changes you made in your relationship. Also, you would be putting yourself statistically at a much higher chance of getting AIDS or another bad disease.

 

I agree.

Edited February 23, 2009 by Jumping In Puddles

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

That's why he needs to keep it in his pants :)

 

 

Legally, they have to find you to enforce it.

 

My stance on this is not without reason, and he knows... This action would lead to This result. It wouldn't be a surprise. If he just asked for a divorce, that would be different. If he cheats on our family, the family is no longer his to have.

 

I will be praying that your children won't have to pay the price for your dh's poor choices. From personal experience, I can tell you it's a big price to pay to lose contact with a parent because of the other parent's hurt and feelings of betrayal. The resentment at the parent that causes the physical separation is long-lasting. The fact that the banished parent had an affair is of little consequence to a child missing their parent.

 

Some women/men who have had an affair are wonderful parents and they should continue to be able to parent. I've seen too many parent/child relationships fractured because the innocent parent insists that the child abandon/disengage/not respond to the erring parent. Unfortunately, the reality is that all parties lose as the child eventually abandons BOTH parents.

[sweetTN]

My dh and I have discussed this before and agree that if either one of us makes a conscious choice to have an affair, then the marriage is over...choice made, no discussion necessary, good bye, have a good life. We both come from families where infidelity was the norm and just an accepted part of marriage.

 

Not to through stones, but to me an affair and a fling are the same thing. They both = infidelity.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I believe that infidelity is the only divorce-able offense. However, I do not believe that it is automatic. It is a choice (of both partners) to stay in after an affair. An affair IS abuse and needs to be dealt with, but a couple can come out of the situation even better if they so choose. Even in the scriptures, there is a man that God told to take back his wife after her affair (I think there were 3 but I could be wrong). The man was blessed by doing so.

[Trivium Academy]

 

For example:

If you found out your spouse had had a brief affair that was always "a fling" (never a romance) some years back, would you now divorce them? That is assuming the marriage is otherwise amiable and that you have children.

 

In this situation- no. I would seek marital counseling and seek the reason why dh told me about the previous fling if that is how I found out. If it was through gossip that I discovered this, I would seek counseling on my own to determine whether to approach dh or to forgive quietly.

[fivetails]

Hm.

 

Cheating, IMO, is a character/behavioral issue. It's not related to the desirability of the spouse.

 

Cheating is cheating, regardless of the gender.

 

Yeah but there's a difference between a husband cheating with a woman and a husband cheating with a man. Sex with a man means he's either gay or bisexual - for some women, that would be the deal breaker right there. They might have been able to deal with the cheating had it been with a woman, but hubby wanting man-sex is another story. ;)

[kalanamak]

Says who? There are lots of problems with social science statistics.

 

I just remembered these from sometime way back when I cared more about such things. Surfing around, the numbers vary wildly, with women apparently more "honest" when telling a computer rather than a person.

 

My job puts me into a lot of infidelity. People who have cheated and then then get a panic and come in for STD checks. People who have winter allergies and come in wanting an HIV test because they had a fling 4 years ago and now they have a "cold they can't shake" (I have heard this one MANY times). I work with over 2000 co-workers and there are long and complicated affair/marriage/parenting trees there.(My favourite is the pair of people who are now in their 60s who were a nun and a priest, ran off and married, have a gorgeous grown son, divorced and at least he remarried someone else from work.) I thought I was a racy, what with living with a couple of men for a few years each before settling down to the love of my life in my 30s.

 

I was mostly curious that the infidelity is automatic divorce people are often the ones that seem to think divorce is so bad for children, and how they balance that in their minds. Whenever some fling comes out at work, and people seem full of wonder he or she doesn't leave immediately, I'm fond of quietly quoting an old line my brother told me once: "The bonds of marriage are so heavy it takes two to carry them. And sometimes three." This is helpful to me, for my job is not to judge them, but to care for them, and to do that, my patients HAVE to feel they can be honest with me.

[Danestress]

It's not just the infidelity - it's the lying. I know there are as many scenarios as grains of sand, but in the typical scenario, adultery involves lying, especially if it's more than a one time event.

 

My husband already knows that adultery is wrong. He already knows that lying damages relationships. If he chose to commit adultery, I would know that he did what he wanted to do, knowing it was wrong and knowing what was at stake and that he lied to me about it because he felt his desires were more important than intergrity and honor and fidelity. And I would have a hard time trusting that it would never happen again and wouldn't really want to spend the years trying to rebuild trust with someone who loved me so little. So even if we tried and he was truly repentant and took all necessary steps, I am afraid I would lack the ability to move beyond it.

 

I know this sounds draconian. I love my husband and I hope that what I imagine would happen isn't what would really happen - it's hard to know what you would do in a situation that isn't even remotely your situation. I know that the Bibles says this isn't the way God treats us, but as Lyle Lovett says, "That's the difference between God and me."

[Aubrey]

I think it's a fallacy to say that if there's a 70% rate of unfaithfulness then we either a) accept it or b) have a 70 (+)% rate of divorce.

 

Rather than ask if we could stomach it, I think we should be asking what we can do to prevent it (unfaithfulness).

 

When dh & I married, we discussed this. In theory, we believe in forgiving the cheating spouse. Hosea is a good example. I say "in theory," though, because it's much easier to decide when you're not living it. That's part of why the decision is already made, but I also know that I can't imagine that level of hurt. I hope I'd be able to stay & forgive, but I'm SO stubborn & long-remembering, I just...don't *count* on having that kind of forgiveness in me, kwim?

 

And I guess that's why the safe-gaurding seems so important to me. I don't want to be tested.

[OnTheBrink]

Well, I just don't understand how people let their relationships get to the point where cheating is an option to be honest. My DH is ME and I am him. We are like one person. We are so close, so enmeshed, dependent on each other emotionally, best friends, as corny as it sounds...soul mates....partners....that even the thought of an affair is just absurd. If things started to change between us, our first priority would be to fix it - no matter what it took. That means changing jobs, moving, counseling. WHAT EVER IT TOOK - TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT BETWEEN US, WE WOULD DO. We would never let things get so distant between us, that an affair would ever happen on either of our parts. Our first priority, after our relationship with God, is our relationship with each other. And that's not just words. It takes work and we work at it.

 

So when you ask if I would divorce my husband if he cheated on me, I first have to think about what it would take for us to be in a place relationally where he might cheat on me....I can't even imagine it. Being in that place, I mean. Just having the sort of marriage where he might cheat would be a devastation to me in and of itself. I would take action, DO something about it ...long before that.

 

signed,

 

Still madly in love every single day for twenty four years and planning to stay that way for the next 50.

 

 

Good for you.

 

If one person has decided they're not going to work on the marriage, then you can do all you want to salvage it, but it's not going to work.

 

Here are my shoes. Go for a walk.

[OnTheBrink]

Yeah but there's a difference between a husband cheating with a woman and a husband cheating with a man. Sex with a man means he's either gay or bisexual - for some women, that would be the deal breaker right there. They might have been able to deal with the cheating had it been with a woman, but hubby wanting man-sex is another story. ;)

 

Exactly. There is a HUGE difference between being cheated on with woman than being cheated on with a man. The reasons for the adultery are different and in one scenario, there's a decent chance the couple can reconcile. In the other, the chance is much slimmer.

 

When a man cheats with a woman, it's because there's a breakdown of some sort in the marriage that both partners have responsibility for. I AM NOT SAYING A WIFE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR HER HUSBAND'S BEHAVIOR. I am saying, when a man seeks other women, he's not getting his needs met by his wife, FOR WHATEVER REASON (lack of communication on his part, lack of willingness to communicate, lack of maturity, lack of character; she's an unreasonable person, she doesn't give him what he's asked for; the fault can go both ways, equally or inequally. There are too many variables to say it's catagorically one person's fault). With counseling and work on both sides (different work, but work nonetheless), chances are good for the marriage to be healed.

 

When a man cheats with a man, the marriage is over. There is nothing a woman can do to satisfy the needs the husband wants filled. Unless he completely stays away from men, physically AND emotionally, there's nothing that can be done to heal the marriage, unless the wife agrees to let him have men, too (which one therapist had the gonads to suggest). That is not marriage.

 

Again, for those who claim there's no difference, I have another pair of shoes you can take a walk in.

[melissel]

It's not just the infidelity - it's the lying. I know there are as many scenarios as grains of sand, but in the typical scenario, adultery involves lying, especially if it's more than a one time event.

 

My husband already knows that adultery is wrong. He already knows that lying damages relationships. If he chose to commit adultery, I would know that he did what he wanted to do, knowing it was wrong and knowing what was at stake and that he lied to me about it because he felt his desires were more important than intergrity and honor and fidelity. And I would have a hard time trusting that it would never happen again and wouldn't really want to spend the years trying to rebuild trust with someone who loved me so little. So even if we tried and he was truly repentant and took all necessary steps, I am afraid I would lack the ability to move beyond it.

 

I know this sounds draconian. I love my husband and I hope that what I imagine would happen isn't what would really happen - it's hard to know what you would do in a situation that isn't even remotely your situation. I know that the Bibles says this isn't the way God treats us, but as Lyle Lovett says, "That's the difference between God and me."

 

This is how I feel about it. Like Tree House Academy said, DH knows there are so many other options. I don't have a problem with divorce if one or both parties are truly unhappy. I'm fully able to support myself and the girls. He and I have discussed this, and he knows that if he were truly miserable, he would just need to tell me. I wouldn't be happy, and I'd certainly want counseling and to do a lot of work first, but on principle, I'd accept divorce. So if he were to go ahead and cheat anyway, simply choosing to avoid the other options because they're too messy or inconvenient for him, or because he wants to have his cake and eat it too...well, I couldn't accept that. I'd like to think I could forgive him, but in reality, I just don't know. And I'm not sure an amicable divorce wouldn't be better for the kids than living in a house full of anger and mistrust and resentment. I've seen firsthand what staying in a marriage that entails that does to children over the years, and I wouldn't allow it.

 

 

When a man cheats with a man, the marriage is over. There is nothing a woman can do to satisfy the needs the husband wants filled. Unless he completely stays away from men, physically AND emotionally, there's nothing that can be done to heal the marriage, unless the wife agrees to let him have men, too (which one therapist had the gonads to suggest). That is not marriage.

 

Again, for those who claim there's no difference, I have another pair of shoes you can take a walk in.

 

:grouphug: Michelle. I agree with you.

[katemary63]

Well, I didn't divorce him after the first affair. I went to marriage counseling for 7 years with him. But you know, after time and time of "repentance" and "back sliding" it was time to take out the trash. The weeks leading up to the court date to throw him out, I unearthed info that indicated at least 11 other men he'd been with.

 

I think I'd been patient enough.

 

This happened to my sister. After 14 years of a horrible marriage, she called me and we had this conversation:

 

Her "I have discovered something that I don't know how to handle and I need advice. It's really big"

 

Me "Your husband is gay?"

 

Her "How did you know?

 

Me "How did you NOT know?"

 

Actually, she didn't divorce him right away. She kicked him out and gave him 6 months to prove that he wanted things to change by getting counceling. He went to 1 session. When the 6 months were over, she divorced him. She said that 1 AIDS test per marriage was her limit. It turns out he had been having affairs with men the whole time, even while they dated. ( I have compassion for the man, he had been abused by his step brothers since age 4!!)

 

The thing is, this is NOT a case of a good marriage with a secret. My sister turned a blind eye to the truth even before the wedding. She romanticized a relationship that didn't exist. She stayed 14 years because she is a Christian and she felt responsible to her decision and her children. She actually WANTED out of her marriage after just 2 years.

[dirty ethel rackham]

Well, I just don't understand how people let their relationships get to the point where cheating is an option to be honest.

 

We would never let things get so distant between us, that an affair would ever happen on either of our parts.

 

Just having the sort of marriage where he might cheat would be a devastation to me in and of itself. I would take action, DO something about it ...long before that.

 

 

 

You speak of "we", but people are individuals. I know that I cannot speak for any other individual. I can only truly know what is in my own heart. I know many women who believed themselves to be in that kind of relationship only to be blindsided by finding out that their spouse did not keep those values.

 

We can talk all we want about the ideal, but the reality is sometimes life throws us curveballs ... a new baby who doesn't sleep well into toddlerhood and mom is too sleep-deprived to be a good wife, stress and pressure at the job sapping all of one's energy leaving little left for the spouse, caring for an elderly parent through a health crisis, depression. All of these things can and do get in the way of meeting each other's needs.

 

You are so fortunate to be in that kind of relationship. I love my dh VERY much and am confident that he loves me very much. But, we do not have that kind of communication all the time. How I crave to have the kind of relationship you describe and I have to work VERY hard to keep the sin of envy at bay.

 

All in all, I think our marriage is a good one, not because we "complete" each other or that we are so emotionally close all the time. It is a good marriage because we both understand that there are seasons of a marriage and that there will be ebbs and flows and we both are committed to riding them out. We know that love is a decision we must choose every single day, even when one does not feel like it. Neither of us is perfect - I fail to meet his needs at times and he fails to meet mine. Both of us are committed to staying together and building this family and working out our differences. I would never have even considered marrying him if I felt he was capable of infidelity. My confidence in him has been confirmed in his attitude towards some of his old friends who were considering an affair.

 

In theory, my knee-jerk reaction to infidelity would be "kick the bum out". However, I can now see that I would be reluctant to completely throw away the past 17 years without working at repairing the rift, that is, if he were seriously contrite and committed to working at rebuilding the trust.

[mommylawyer]

When my husband and I first met and early in our marriage, we always said that cheating is a deal-breaker.

 

But now we have children. And, interestingly enough, we're both divorce attorneys.

 

Day in and day out, we see the horrific effects of divorce on children, especially young children. It's hard on those kids when they feel as though they don't have a stable home - spending one week with one parent and the next with the other parent, or just seeing one parent every other weekend.

 

While infidelity is unacceptable to us, I don't believe either of us could say it's cause for divorce - at least at this stage of our marriage. Yes, it would be very hard to work through, but we would try.

 

Although, that said, because we know the devastating effect divorce can have on children, I hope DH won't be unfaithful at all.

 

Besides.... DH knows I'd take him for everything he's got! [Yes, we've actually had these conversations numerous times... in the context of, "Can you believe my client's wife did X, Y, and Z? If you did that, you might as well have a bag packed!"]

 

Oh! And to say that infidelity doesn't factor into visitation... it does, at least with some judges I know in Georgia. It can play a HUGE factor! One judge I used to work for won't even consider giving the cheater parent custody or even 50-50 visitation... unless the non-cheater parent has done something worse (drugs, alcohol, physical abuse of the children).

[Tammy]

Exactly!