What am I supposed to say? Am I doing this wrong?

[DawnM]

On our summer trip, we are planning to visit an orphanage.   I needed some things and knew there were folks would like to donate, so I put some requests out....one to my bible study group and the other to my freebie group.

I have gotten great items.   3 suitcases, some clothing, etc....

But I have had a few issues.   One woman wanted to give me a suitcase that was literally falling apart.   I told her I was worried it wouldn't make it and I would prefer to find something else.   She said ok, but then contacted me a week later asking if I was sure.   I said yes, but thank you for the offer and she responded with, "Ok, then just NEVERMIND!"   It wasn't even her suitcase, it was a neighbor's!

Another promised me 15 baseball caps and then never got back to me, so I texted and he said, "Oh, I gave them to someone else, but I have some men's clothing and shoes!"   I told him that I don't have any room for those items and he got upset.   Truth be told, I am pretty peeved he gave them to someone else after promising them to me.   Now I have to go purchase 15 caps!

I plan to fill 3 suitcases for the (special needs) orphanage.   They specifically asked for socks, baseball hats, black dolls, and stress balls/squish balls.   They said that is the order of their needs.    I am not able to take things they didn't ask for due to space.   I have been upfront with that fact.   

Should I have taken the items but not used them so they aren't offended?   I assume they just want to be a part of it, but I just don't have time to go collect things I can't use.

UGH.

 

ETA:   Wanna see a photo of the suitcase she was mad I didn't take?   

 

Edited March 29 by DawnM
added photo

[Arcadia]

No, you aren’t obligated to take those items. Some people genuinely want to be involved and those usually would ask what is wanted. Some just want to offload stuff. I would be upset momentarily about the baseball caps and then just assumed the person forgot he replied to you. I know when I was stressed up that I need to put items into paper bags with tags of who they are for or else I would forget I have promised to give someone. 

[footballmom]

You are not responsible for dealing with their baggage - emotional or otherwise 😉

You are communicating what the orphanage needs and they are being difficult. The baseball cap guy would really bother me, too. It’s like choosing a tag off the Angel tree and the child asks for a bike and insisting they really want a dollhouse. Bad analogy maybe, but yes, you are communicating clearly. Don’t think twice about taking on extra work so they can feel better about “contributing” 

[prairiewindmomma]

It's not you, it's them.

You're in the worst intersection of people--a mix of the "Buy Nothing" crowd with the flakiness of Facebook Marketplace. People often view requests for aid for charitable organizations as an opportunity to rid themselves of the junk they don't want rather than an opportunity to meet the needs of the organization.

If I were you, I'd set up an amazon wishlist, with it being delivered to your home, and you can take things across as you'd like. Request the specific socks, hats, dolls, etc. that you need.  It's much easier to give in that way, and you'll get the items that you need. (And, as a giver, it's much easier to order a gross (144) of squishies or toothbrushes or whatever that way.)

 

[Annie G]

I agree w the Amazon wishlist idea- and if you do create one, I’d love the link so I can send you something. 

[kirstenhill]

I feel like sometime when people ask for donations, there is a bit of an attitude from some people of "you should be thankful and take what you can get" - even in a situation like yours where it doesn't make sense.   If the lady with the falling apart suitcase took a minute to think about it, maybe she would realize that it doesn't make sense to attempt to check a bag that is likely to break the first time a worker tosses it.  But since you asked for "charity", they want you to be thankful for anything and everything.

That and people just don't read closely on the internet.  It's like in a book group when people ask for non-fiction suggestions and everyone suggests fiction, or when people ask for vegan restaurant suggestions and people just suggest random options that may not even have anything vegan on the menu.

I wouldn't worry too much about it (you aren't responsible for them being upset), but I do like PrairieWind's suggestion of putting out an amazon wish list!

[knitgrl]

9 minutes ago, kirstenhill said:

I feel like sometime when people ask for donations, there is a bit of an attitude from some people of "you should be thankful and take what you can get" - even in a situation like yours where it doesn't make sense.   If the lady with the falling apart suitcase took a minute to think about it, maybe she would realize that it doesn't make sense to attempt to check a bag that is likely to break the first time a worker tosses it.  But since you asked for "charity", they want you to be thankful for anything and everything.

That and people just don't read closely on the internet.  It's like in a book group when people ask for non-fiction suggestions and everyone suggests fiction, or when people ask for vegan restaurant suggestions and people just suggest random options that may not even have anything vegan on the menu.

I wouldn't worry too much about it (you aren't responsible for them being upset), but I do like PrairieWind's suggestion of putting out an amazon wish list!

This reminds me of when some church ladies wanted to fix us dinner when dd14 was born. We told them we were vegetarian and got chicken and biscuits, because chicken is vegetarian, right? 😂

[KSera]

12 minutes ago, Annie G said:

I agree w the Amazon wishlist idea- and if you do create one, I’d love the link so I can send you something. 

This. Our local stocking stuffing project for the food pantry does it this way, and it seems to work extremely well. It’s easy for people to donate, it’s easy for you to receive the donations, and the kids get some new items for a change.

[EKS]

1 hour ago, DawnM said:

Should I have taken the items but not used them so they aren't offended?

People choose to be offended.

[Jaybee]

25 minutes ago, kirstenhill said:

I feel like sometime when people ask for donations, there is a bit of an attitude from some people of "you should be thankful and take what you can get" - even in a situation like yours where it doesn't make sense.   If the lady with the falling apart suitcase took a minute to think about it, maybe she would realize that it doesn't make sense to attempt to check a bag that is likely to break the first time a worker tosses it.  But since you asked for "charity", they want you to be thankful for anything and everything.

First of all, no, you aren't doing anything wrong. I was coming on to say about the same thing Kirsten said. I have seen this attitude here and there throughout my life, that if you ask for charitable donations, you should be grateful for whatever you get. It is a kind of looking down on people who need anything. That you don't deserve things as nice as I do, since you are asking for something to be given to you, so it doesn't matter if something is torn up, dirty, ages old, broken, something I would never ever use or wear, etc. And they want to be treated as though they are good and generous people for offering you their garbage or useless items. I don't understand it. But yeah, the Amazon list is a good way to avoid a lot of that.

[AmandaVT]

48 minutes ago, Annie G said:

I agree w the Amazon wishlist idea- and if you do create one, I’d love the link so I can send you something. 

seconding!

[Heartstrings]

I'm one who will usually take things that are offered and just take what I can't use to the Goodwill a few towns over, to avoid exactly the reactions that you just mentioned.  People are so weird about "charitable donations" and I know it's not an attitude I can fix.  

[prairiewindmomma]

I forgot to add--if you set up an amazon wish list---be sure to add cheap duffles or whatever you need for carrying, but set your limits on the number of items requested to what you think you'll be able to carry.  If you know you can only take 3 bags, then you know you likely can't take 200 dolls, iykwim. 

[DawnM]

Thanks all.   I feel better as I was so thrown by people getting upset over this.

[DawnM]

12 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

I forgot to add--if you set up an amazon wish list---be sure to add cheap duffles or whatever you need for carrying, but set your limits on the number of items requested to what you think you'll be able to carry.  If you know you can only take 3 bags, then you know you likely can't take 200 dolls, iykwim. 

I have actually gotten some good used suitcases from folks, so that has been helpful.  

[MercyA]

This type of attitude drives me crazy. People have a hard time throwing things away, so they send their trash to others and consider it charity. 😞 

It really make me angry when people do this for Operation Christmas Child boxes. I've seen it over and over when it clearly states in the instructions "new items only." 

ETA: I know a lot of these people mean well. But poor people are every bit as deserving of nice things as people who are well-off. It's often the luck of the draw in life--where you are born, how you are raised, where you go to school--that determines what you have. 

Edited March 28 by MercyA

[DawnM]

8 minutes ago, MercyA said:

This type of attitude drives me crazy. People have a hard time throwing things away, so they send their trash to others and consider it charity. 😞 

It really make me angry when people do this for Operation Christmas Child boxes. I've seen it over and over when it clearly states in the instructions "new items only." 

ETA: I know a lot of these people mean well. But poor people are every bit as deserving of nice things as people who are well-off. It's often the luck of the draw in life--where you are born, how you are raised, where you go to school--that determines what you have. 

True and I really want to bring exactly what they asked for.   They said the kids get shoe boxes at Christmas, but then they get new kids in Jan/Feb and want things to give to them too.

These are special needs kids and they apparently love baseball hats.   They said gently used is fine.   

[KSera]

5 minutes ago, DawnM said:

These are special needs kids and they apparently love baseball hats.

Is there enough time before your trip for you to have things sent to you?

[gardenmom5]

Did they know those were the specific items you were looking for?  them taking offense you didn't want the wrong items is on them.   But becuase you are asking for donations, you do want to be as gracious as possible when saying "that won't work for *the children* at the orphanage".

Were you supposed to pick up the caps?  Was there a miscommunication about how they were going to get to you, and when?  did they understand you really wanted them?  Did they think you weren't that interested because you hadn't picked them up?

The woman who offered a falling apart suitcase (that didn't even belong to her), I have a bit more patience.  But the if it wasn't going to make it, it wouldn't make it.

At my local goodwill, a 25" suitcase is usually about $20 (a 30" might be $30 - so it's not like it's an expensive item.  And if it was falling apart, Goodwill would probably have just trashed it.)

[GoVanGogh]

I have volunteered a lot at a local food pantry and in their Christmas program and all I got to say is - Some People. (Eye roll…)

People get that feel good feeling for donating and think they are helping. But for whatever reason (age, clueless), just don’t comprehend *useable* items. Age - maybe they grew up in the depression or their cognitive abilities are slipping. Clueless - they don’t realize that putting a dozen eggs in a giant donation box at the church simply won’t make it to the pantry in useable condition. (Often crushed, damaging other items.) I have seen it all over the years. (The worse: Home canned items dated decades earlier. We don’t even accept home canned items, let alone from the 1970’s!) And some people just hate the thought of anything going to a landfill and would rather off load trash to someone else than think about throwing out a seemingly useable item. (We got that a lot at Christmas with things like used makeup kits, well worn clothes, etc.) 

OP: It sounds like your wording is good. It is just that some people are weird. 

re: People not reading thoroughly online. I am on the board of a local organization. We have had several issues lately with board members not reading emails well. One was a huge donation of approx 100 pallets of items from a local warehouse. Per the original email, we would have to accept all of the pallets and need a way to move them out in a short time frame, plus a place to store them while we processed and sold the items. I was on vacation at the time and didn’t read the emails until the following day. I read the original email first and immediately thought, “Oh, we can’t do that. No way. We don’t have the ability to move and store that many.” I was shocked when I realized there were dozens of emails, fellow board members were so excited about the prospect of such a windfall. Finally one person - out of the dozen people on the board - caught that we had to accept all of the pallets and chimed in that it was way out of our ability. 

[TexasProud]

3 hours ago, prairiewindmomma said:

It's not you, it's them.

You're in the worst intersection of people--a mix of the "Buy Nothing" crowd with the flakiness of Facebook Marketplace. People often view requests for aid for charitable organizations as an opportunity to rid themselves of the junk they don't want rather than an opportunity to meet the needs of the organization.

If I were you, I'd set up an amazon wishlist, with it being delivered to your home, and you can take things across as you'd like. Request the specific socks, hats, dolls, etc. that you need.  It's much easier to give in that way, and you'll get the items that you need. (And, as a giver, it's much easier to order a gross (144) of squishies or toothbrushes or whatever that way.)

 

This.  So much this.  I quit asking for donations because, yeah it was get rid of junk.  You need shampoo, let me give you a half used bottle from the hotel.

I now share the items on Amazon.  So, so, so much easier.

Not you.  Just people. 

[DawnM]

1 hour ago, KSera said:

Is there enough time before your trip for you to have things sent to you?

I am not going until the end of June.

[DawnM]

1 hour ago, gardenmom5 said:

Did they know those were the specific items you were looking for?  them taking offense you didn't want the wrong items is on them.   But becuase you are asking for donations, you do want to be as gracious as possible when saying "that won't work for *the children* at the orphanage".

Oh, I gushed at their "generosity" and just said I wouldn't be able to have room.   What did you think I did?

1 hour ago, gardenmom5 said:

Were you supposed to pick up the caps?  Was there a miscommunication about how they were going to get to you, and when?  did they understand you really wanted them?  Did they think you weren't that interested because you hadn't picked them up?

The woman who offered a falling apart suitcase (that didn't even belong to her), I have a bit more patience.  But the if it wasn't going to make it, it wouldn't make it.

At my local goodwill, a 25" suitcase is usually about $20 (a 30" might be $30 - so it's not like it's an expensive item.  And if it was falling apart, Goodwill would probably have just trashed it.)

I was at a church event and a guy asked what I was still looking for (actually I think my friend asked but he was standing there) and he said, "Oh, I have a huge hat collection and was just wondering where I could donate.  I would love for you to take them.   Call her (my friend) and when she gives you the socks, she can get my hats to give you too as we live in the same condo complex."

Then he now says he gave them to someone else.

I have been to every Goodwill around here and some other thrift stores, looking for suitcases, there were no good/decent ones.   But I have some now.  And I ordered a few 20" carry ons that were on sale for $35 each.....and they have cupholders! 🤣😍

Edited March 28 by DawnM

[DawnM]

3 hours ago, Annie G said:

I agree w the Amazon wishlist idea- and if you do create one, I’d love the link so I can send you something. 

I will create something either tonight or tomorrow.   

[Arcadia]

If you need a large quantity of stress balls, marketing departments of companies might have plenty of leftover swag for events and be happy to donate. When we went for DS19's college family day for incoming engineering students last year, each of us were given a stress ball as part of the swag bag.

[DawnM]

Here is my wishlist.  I may add to it, but here it is.   I think that boy plush doll with the interactive buttons and laces is great.   Some of these items are on a good clearance right now.

https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/19UZPVI56SV2D?ref_=wl_share

[DawnM]

9 minutes ago, Arcadia said:

If you need a large quantity of stress balls, marketing departments of companies might have plenty of leftover swag for events and be happy to donate. When we went for DS19's college family day for incoming engineering students last year, each of us were given a stress ball as part of the swag bag.

Yes!   My cousin works for an insurance company and she is getting them for us.  She has to order them but she says they are really cheap though her company.

[Carol in Cal.]

11 minutes ago, Arcadia said:

If you need a large quantity of stress balls, marketing departments of companies might have plenty of leftover swag for events and be happy to donate. When we went for DS19's college family day for incoming engineering students last year, each of us were given a stress ball as part of the swag bag.

Baseball caps, too.  Not an untypical swag item.

[Carol in Cal.]

People are funny.  

Be the duck.

I donated an old suitcase to someone for this purpose.  It had been in the garage for years, and I couldn’t fully clean the inside of mildew stains.  I told her that upfront and asked whether she still wanted it and she did.  I assume that she wrapped the contents in plastic or something to protect them.  But the key was that she got a big old suitcase that she could just leave there—that was the requirement, and it served that purpose just fine.  I would not have been offended if she had said that she could not use it, and I would have tossed it in a dumpster at that point.  

Edited March 29 by Carol in Cal.

[Terabith]

Wouldn’t it be more efficient to get monetary donations and have them purchase what they need there, where the money would benefit the local economy or they could get exactly what they need?

[Carol in Cal.]

Just now, Terabith said:

Wouldn’t it be more efficient to get monetary donations and have them purchase what they need there, where the money would benefit the local economy or they could get exactly what they need?

It is VERY difficult to get people to donate money compared with donating ‘stuff’.  

[TexasProud]

2 minutes ago, Terabith said:

Wouldn’t it be more efficient to get monetary donations and have them purchase what they need there, where the money would benefit the local economy or they could get exactly what they need?

Many times things may not be available locally.  For example, we hand out toothpaste at the hospital as part of a hygiene pack and I didn't get enough donations.  We could find maybe 50 locally ( I hand out 300 or more a trip.) 

[Annie G]

58 minutes ago, DawnM said:

Here is my wishlist.  I may add to it, but here it is.   I think that boy plush doll with the interactive buttons and laces is great.   Some of these items are on a good clearance right now.

https://www.amazon.com/hz/wishlist/ls/19UZPVI56SV2D?ref_=wl_share

I added to my cart but doesn’t show me where to ship. usually when a I do this it shows it’s shipping to the registry owner, but I don’t see the address.  Can someone tell me what I’m missing here?  All it shows are options to ship to recipients I have used in the past. 

[DawnM]

11 minutes ago, Annie G said:

I added to my cart but doesn’t show me where to ship. usually when a I do this it shows it’s shipping to the registry owner, but I don’t see the address.  Can someone tell me what I’m missing here?  All it shows are options to ship to recipients I have used in the past. 

That's weird, let me see what to do, or I can send you my address

[DawnM]

17 minutes ago, Annie G said:

I added to my cart but doesn’t show me where to ship. usually when a I do this it shows it’s shipping to the registry owner, but I don’t see the address.  Can someone tell me what I’m missing here?  All it shows are options to ship to recipients I have used in the past. 

I have updated it and it should share the address now.

[DawnM]

57 minutes ago, Terabith said:

Wouldn’t it be more efficient to get monetary donations and have them purchase what they need there, where the money would benefit the local economy or they could get exactly what they need?

The items they have asked for they cannot get there, or they only come if you buy imports and those are too costly.   That is why we aren't taking things like soccer balls.....they can get them there.   

[DawnM]

57 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

It is VERY difficult to get people to donate money compared with donating ‘stuff’.  

Agreed.   

[Annie G]

6 minutes ago, DawnM said:

I have updated it and it should share the address now.

Thanks- It worked this time. Please keep us updated if you don’t have enough items as it gets closer. I can do another order, just want to see what else is sent so you can let us know what you are most in need of. 

[Faith-manor]

Hi Dawn, just sent some things. Please keep this thread updated. If you don't get everything, I can and will do more.

[gardenmom5]

2 hours ago, DawnM said:

Oh, I gushed at their "generosity" and just said I wouldn't be able to have room.   What did you think I did?

 

I was still referring to the guy with the caps who gave them to someone else.

No, I assumed you would have graciously declined the men's suits and shoes.   

[DawnM]

8 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

I was still referring to the guy with the caps who gave them to someone else.

No, I assumed you would have graciously declined the men's suits and shoes.   

gotcha

I mean, this is an orphanage for special needs kids, I assume they don't need suits and dress shoes for one, but they said clothing (other than quality socks) they can get there.

[DawnM]

I just looked at all the purchases.   You all are amazing.   Thank you so much.   You are making this easy for me.   I only need a total of 10 baby dolls and I think you all have purchased 6 of them!   And some socks, and some hacky sack balls.   

I really just want to take what they asked for, you know?   

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

[Jann in TX]

On my last trip to Uganda I only accepted cash donations with exceptions for some very specific items-- I've found that I can purchase most of the desired items there and it actually saved money (total donation was larger amount) AND helped the local economy!  People who donated received a thank you photo of the items their donations were directed for.

Please do not send 'nearly dead' suitcases... I've found that suitcases can become a family's dresser-- and they are cherished!  Gently used good quality ones are the best-- nothing that breaks easily (cheap practically disposable duffels or thin plastic suitcases)

The only clothing items we would bring were men's neckties--our donated ones were typically better quality and were great gifts for administrators, teachers and drivers.  If using a shipping container then matching T-shirts were always requested!

One summer I spent two weeks going through JUNK that a school in the USA had 'donated'-- think boxes of pencil stubs and broken crayons-- broken plastic pencil cases, partial sets of flashcards...  90% of it went into the rubbish pit or burn pile!  The space in the shipping container could have been used for more useful items...  the money for the shipping container could have been used to drill a water well or build a library!

Dawn- I'm totally jealous of your trip-- I hope and pray I'll be healthy enough to travel back to East Africa again! 

[gardenmom5]

3 hours ago, DawnM said:

gotcha

I mean, this is an orphanage for special needs kids, I assume they don't need suits and dress shoes for one, but they said clothing (other than quality socks) they can get there.

And if it's *children*,   you'd think they don't need MEN's . . . .

[klmama]

How old are these special needs kids?  Are the hats going to be small enough?  Just wondering if children's sizes would be better....

[Arcadia]

3 minutes ago, klmama said:

How old are these special needs kids?  Are the hats going to be small enough?  Just wondering if children's sizes would be better....

I think it is hard to gauge. My kids have “big heads” and they were wearing adult size caps in lower elementary. They outgrew kid size before kindergarten. I can wear their outgrown kid size caps and hats but I can also wear kid size eyeglasses. 

[KSera]

10 minutes ago, klmama said:

How old are these special needs kids?  Are the hats going to be small enough?  Just wondering if children's sizes would be better....

I wondered about some of each, since head sizes can vary so much. Most of my kids couldn’t wear adult size hats until nearly their teens, but perhaps it’s the older kids there who love to have the hats?

[Toocrazy!!]

I can't get it to send to the registry address either. The registry comes up with a title, but when I go to checkout it's just my previously used group addresses. I've had this issue before and I think maybe because I am using a business account? If you want to message me the address I will be happy to send some things, but if you don't want to share that, I get it 🙂

[DawnM]

3 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

And if it's *children*,   you'd think they don't need MEN's . . . .

Well, they have several teen boys, but still.

2 hours ago, klmama said:

How old are these special needs kids?  Are the hats going to be small enough?  Just wondering if children's sizes would be better....

 Ages 0-18.   Good point.  Maybe I should add a youth size?   

[DawnM]

3 hours ago, Jann in TX said:

On my last trip to Uganda I only accepted cash donations with exceptions for some very specific items-- I've found that I can purchase most of the desired items there and it actually saved money (total donation was larger amount) AND helped the local economy!  People who donated received a thank you photo of the items their donations were directed for.

Please do not send 'nearly dead' suitcases... I've found that suitcases can become a family's dresser-- and they are cherished!  Gently used good quality ones are the best-- nothing that breaks easily (cheap practically disposable duffels or thin plastic suitcases)

The only clothing items we would bring were men's neckties--our donated ones were typically better quality and were great gifts for administrators, teachers and drivers.  If using a shipping container then matching T-shirts were always requested!

One summer I spent two weeks going through JUNK that a school in the USA had 'donated'-- think boxes of pencil stubs and broken crayons-- broken plastic pencil cases, partial sets of flashcards...  90% of it went into the rubbish pit or burn pile!  The space in the shipping container could have been used for more useful items...  the money for the shipping container could have been used to drill a water well or build a library!

Dawn- I'm totally jealous of your trip-- I hope and pray I'll be healthy enough to travel back to East Africa again! 

I am going by what they have told me, these items are either imported and too costly to buy OR they cannot get them.   I want to bring what they asked for.

I already said I declined the suitcase.   

And I am going to have to set aside all of the clothing items that were donated as I can't fit them!   I will pull out the socks donated though.   But the clothing won't go.

Neckties, I am glad you brought that up, there is a place I want to take everyone that used to require ties in order to get service, I need to check and see if they still require ties.