This type of situation opinions?

[Teaching3bears]

Hypothetic situation:

An adult child (late twenties or thirties)living in another city.  Every time they visit the parent catches them up in a matter-of-fact way on the current lives of the relatives and acquaintances of their past.  This ends up being a list of great achievements ie. “A” just got married and moved to (fancy neighborhood).  “B” just got their PhD.  “C” became CEO of (whatever).  The parent is not doing this to put pressure on the child but feels they should share the goings-on of the community.  The adult child is doing moderately well or struggling in some way but by no means achieving the success of these others.  They listen to all this news and feel that they should feel happy about these others’ successes but end up feeling badly about themselves though they don’t tell their parent this.  
In general, should parents communicate this kind of info. to their kids?  What do you do or what would you do in this situation?  Have you experienced this as a parent or an adult child?  What if the adult child is doing just as well as A,B and C?  Is there any reason not to share the news?  

 

 

[regentrude]

It's all a matter of tone and subtext.

Of course parents would tell an adult child about family members and friends. As long as it is done without the subtext "hey, you should take an example and do better", there is nothing wrong with that. One would hope parents to be sensitive to a current crisis and not revel in wedding news towards a kid whose relationship has just ended, or go on and on about cousin's awesome job if their kids had just gotten fired.

Ultimately,  adults are responsible for their own feelings and should not expect other people to anticipate their emotions and preemptively steer away from normal topics of conversation. 

If it really bothers the young person,  they need to speak up. "Hey mom, you know that I'm struggling, and hearing about cousin Sally's promotion makes me feel like a failure. Can we talk about something else?" They can't expect parents to walk on eggshells. 

 

Edited March 3 by regentrude

[Heartstrings]

It might be hard on the parents, but the adult child would be keeping up with people in the extended family of the child cared to.   The child obviously doesn’t care to or the updates wouldn’t be necessary.     It might be more useful to keep the updates to really big stuff, marriages, births, deaths.  Possibly big out of state moves, like if Cousin Larry moves from Illinois to Kentucky. Or limit more detailed updates to only siblings, not far flung cousins.    
 

It sounds likely that the parent maybe doesn’t have much going on to talk about, so fills the space with extended family updates.  Adult child might look at it from that perspective and maybe decide to just roll with it to keep the parent happy and feeling important.   
 

 

Edited March 3 by Heartstrings

[Lecka]

Yes, I find it so rude, and I think the person’s values are such they overly value outside validation of achievements.

I can steer the conversation, though.

I also can choose to be around people who share my values.  
 

And just consciously thinking it’s not something I personally choose to value so highly, goes a long way.  
 

Ironically I have just been in a huge caretaking role for one main relative, and she is hugely appreciative of me now, and maybe sees a value in caring for other people, a role not valued by society.  
 

Another relative I got pretty estranged from and whatever. 

Edit:  my husband and I share our values. 
 

Edit:  The catch-ups are so focused on “status” it’s not just catch up, it’s what vacation someone went on or things like that.  It’s very status conscious.  The high-status achievements are the important ones.  

Edited March 3 by Lecka

[regentrude]

11 minutes ago, Heartstrings said:

It might be hard on the parents, but the adult child would be keeping up with people in the extended family of the child cared to.   The child obviously doesn’t care to or the updates wouldn’t be necessary.   

Not necessarily. For example, my mother is the one in contact with her nieces and old family friends. I like hearing what's going on with everyone,  but am not myself keeping in contact with everyone. She sees my sister often, I only see her once a year, but I want to hear the updates.

Conversely, I ask my kids how their friends are doing because I am interested,  but I am not myself in contact with their friends, that would be weird. 

Edited March 3 by regentrude

[klmama]

I understand it from both perspectives. Parents share about people they love or think young adults will be interested in hearing about. The young adult may feel like the comparison game is being played,  but that's probably not the intent. Chances are good the parents are talking at length about their own dc to those other people, too.  For years my stepsister and I both thought the other's family was the favorite because our parents talked about the other one all the time, but we had a good laugh about it once we realized what was really happening. 

[2squared]

We are entering this phase now, but I have been and am a kid who doesn’t live near extended family. I see all the updates I need on social media. If I want more, I will ask my parents. 

My parents don’t proactively offer extended family updates, maybe because I ask when I want to know? My in laws do volunteer all kinds of updates about family, community members, everyone.  I don’t think they have much else to talk about, and I know my husband isn’t really interested in my in-laws community anymore. He hasn’t lived there for 30+ years. He also doesn’t ask for updates, but maybe that’s because he knows he will get them anyway?

I don’t usually provide updates on my kids’ family or community acquaintances unless they ask or unless it’s an organic part of our conversations. If I do mention something, I say, did you see so and so’s social media update?

[BusyMom5]

I have a big extended family so I appreciate those updates about my cousins.  Yes, we have FB,  but no one posts much on it besides pics of their kids- which I love to see.  I do update my college kids on the family members I think they would want to know about. 

I'm a mentally healthy adult and I don't feel in a competition with my cousins. Those updates are a fun way for me to see a piece of their life, when I only usually see them every few years.  They do include divorce, miscarriage, sickness- the bad updates. Life is not all roses and sunshine!  

I think the person in the OP is feeling inadequate, comparing themselves to others. They aren't at a healthy place, mentally, to be hearing updates about loved ones because they feel like a failure.   If this was my kid, I can understand censoring some updates.  Tone really matters, as does the way its approached in conversation.  I would be sure to share both good and bad news.  

[Faith-manor]

I think a whole lot depends on the current status of parent/child relationship, plus tone and context. I have a niece who is just super, emotionally unstable so any news of anyone doing anything positive, makes her get upset and take it as a personal assault on her. She needs to own her feelings and get therapy. These rest if us do not need the drama, so no one shares.  Sad for her. But life can't be consumed dealing with it.

With my own kids, we are really close and they know that we place no judgement on them. So if I say, "Cousin x just bought a house or a new car" or whatever while they duct tape together used cars and live in apartments, they do not experience shaken confidence or feel inferior. However, my mother in law can be a real piece of work and tries occasionally to deliberately make one grandchild feel horrible by insinuating they are less than because another appears to be more successful (always measured by money and things). Kids are used to it, but she always wonders why of her ten grandkids, only two are close with her. 🙄

I just don't think we have enough information about the relationships in the original post to know if there is an issue or not.

[gardenmom5]

Is the parent listening to the adult child?  Is the adult child allowed to share their own doings?  does the parent rahrah that child sharing their own doings?  Does the parent interrupt the child sharing their doings to start talking about others?

It can be as simple as the parent has poor communication skills and is trying to tell about something they know about, and lack the ability to listen to others speaking.  Some parents will respond well to the child asking them if they want to hear what they are doing or do they want to do all the talking? (and the parent will shut up and listen.)   Other parents get offended for being called out and double down.  

If the child isn't allowed to share their own doings - especially if all they ever hear is about others (doesn't even have to be all good - the point is, they are only hearing about others from their parent)  they're likely to have no relationship with the parent.   

 

[Teaching3bears]

1 hour ago, Faith-manor said:

 🙄I just don't think we have enough information about the relationships in the original post to know if there is an issue or not.

It is not one specific relationship but rather a few that I observed and wondered about, etc.

[marbel]

I'd expect that if the adult child is interested in hearing about these people, they would ask. Also, I don't understand why the parent would limit these updates to times the adult child is visiting, rather than by phone/text/however they communicate. (I assume they communicate outside of these visits.) I can imagine it feels like a big information dump during the visits, when important updates could be given as they happen. I'm projecting here, but it reminds me of visits to my inlaws when they would spend hours giving up updates on people from my husband's past. It was torture to both of us. 

 

[EKS]

4 hours ago, Teaching3bears said:

In general, should parents communicate this kind of info. to their kids?

Saying "So-and-so just got her PhD and why can't you be more like her?" isn't appropriate, but just sharing news about members of the community is perfectly fine.

[katilac]

4 minutes ago, marbel said:

I'd expect that if the adult child is interested in hearing about these people, they would ask. Also, I don't understand why the parent would limit these updates to times the adult child is visiting, rather than by phone/text/however they communicate. (I assume they communicate outside of these visits.) I can imagine it feels like a big information dump during the visits, when important updates could be given as they happen. I'm projecting here, but it reminds me of visits to my inlaws when they would spend hours giving up updates on people from my husband's past. It was torture to both of us. 

 

I have been surprised more than once at how seldom some families talk to each other in between visits. 

OP doesn't give enough context.  Is it conversational or an info dump? And, of course, is the listener interested? I agree that endless conversations about people you don't really know or care about is torturous. 

[Tap]

4 hours ago, Teaching3bears said:

Hypothetic situation:

An adult child (late twenties or thirties)living in another city.  Every time they visit the parent catches them up in a matter-of-fact way on the current lives of the relatives and acquaintances of their past.  This ends up being a list of great achievements ie. “A” just got married and moved to (fancy neighborhood).  “B” just got their PhD.  “C” became CEO of (whatever).  The parent is not doing this to put pressure on the child but feels they should share the goings-on of the community.  The adult child is doing moderately well or struggling in some way but by no means achieving the success of these others.  They listen to all this news and feel that they should feel happy about these others’ successes but end up feeling badly about themselves though they don’t tell their parent this.  
In general, should parents communicate this kind of info. to their kids?  What do you do or what would you do in this situation?  Have you experienced this as a parent or an adult child?  What if the adult child is doing just as well as A,B and C?  Is there any reason not to share the news?  

 

 

Part of it is the balance on the parents side. If the parents are only talking about the highest achievers, then they need to reassess why that is. If Robert is a CEO, Sally is an MD, Jake is married and is traveling the world.....what about Richard who works at the grocery store, Taylor who is a receptionist, and Jaime who is an at home mom. Those careers are just as important. If the parents are updating on everyone, there should be a balance. 

Some perspective on the kids part is important too. I have a friend who has a family full of doctorate degrees in different industries. My friend is a pharmacist (licensed before it was a PharmD)  and they are considered the least of the family.  Every child, cousin and spouse is educated and has high level of achievements.  Between him and his wife (dental hygienist), they make a little less than $300,000 a year, but are seen as the losers in the family. LOL He says he doesn't let it bother him. Since he told me once about his feelings on it, I am guessing it has stung more than once to be treated like you are less than the others, even if you are accomplished on your own right. 

Edited March 3 by Tap

[Rosie_0801]

People have to talk about something or there's no relationship. Too few of those and one gets depressed.

I think an adult in their 20's or 30's needs to be responsible for accepting that this is the sort of thing one's parents will talk about, and for employing enough mental hygiene that they don't turn a family update into some sort of conglomeration person to compare themselves to. So Jane had a baby *and* Billie got a promotion *and* Tina went on holiday *and* Rowan renovated their bathroom. No single person had a baby, got a promotion, renovated the bathroom *and* went to Fiji all in the few weeks since you last spoke to your folks.

(This obviously doesn't mean gushing about babies to people who've had miscarriages, promotions to people who just got laid off, renovations to people who are getting evicted. That's just tactless.)

[SHP]

I guess I have a slightly different view. I have no way of knowing if the person I am speaking with has the consent of the other people to share the information. It makes me wonder if the person is sharing information about me with others and I would be reluctant to open up to them.

If I am talking with someone I want to talk with them about their interests and what is happening in their lives. 

I have people in my life who seem to only exist to gather and share information about people with other people. If they have something about themselves it is almost always some grandiose plans that are never followed through.  

Edited March 3 by SHP

[gardenmom5]

4 hours ago, EKS said:

Saying "So-and-so just got her PhD and why can't you be more like her?" isn't appropriate, but just sharing news about members of the community is perfectly fine.

It really depends upon how "sharing" is done.   And the biggie is - is "the parent" interested in hearing about the adult child they're talking to?  Parents can have a favorite who is not a high achiever, but that's the ONLY person (or group) they'll talk about.  if they're not interested in anyone else - there's a problem.
 

1 hour ago, SHP said:

I guess I have a slightly different view. I have no way of knowing if the person I am speaking with has the consent of the other people to share the information. It makes me wonder if the person is sharing information about me with others and I would be reluctant to open up to them.

If I am talking with someone I want to talk with them about their interests and what is happening in their lives. 

I have people in my life who seem to only exist to gather and share information about people with other people. If they have something about themselves it is almost always some grandiose plans that are never followed through.  

yeah - I have a couple family members just wanted gossip to share with others.  They had no life.    If you want to make a public announcement, without seeming like you're making a public announcement . . . . you tell them. 😜  they'll shout it from the rooftops.

One in particular I noticed could be really nice to someone's face, but wait until that person was gone . . 

[footballmom]

I’m nodding along to a lot of these responses and comments. For me, if I were the parent, I would share updates if / when adult child asked about family or if there was a big life update ie engagement, marriage, baby or death/big diagnoses.
 

With that said, I wouldn’t make those big life updates the center stage of our interaction, I imagine I would share it in a more off the cuff way AND share why I was sharing. “Oh, by the way, Uncle Jim got engaged last week. I thought you would want to know because you’ve mentioned how much you like Helen”. 
 

I adore my MIL but as one PP commented, sometimes it is a run down on every relative’s public and non public business and yes, it keeps her busy, but anything I tell her it’s because I am okay with it being very widely shared. So I’m selective. 

[KungFuPanda]

Do they have anything else to talk about? Are they willing to seek out a common interest with the parents the relationship can grow and they can have a shared topic of interest?

[Ausmumof3]

8 hours ago, klmama said:

I understand it from both perspectives. Parents share about people they love or think young adults will be interested in hearing about. The young adult may feel like the comparison game is being played,  but that's probably not the intent. Chances are good the parents are talking at length about their own dc to those other people, too.  For years my stepsister and I both thought the other's family was the favorite because our parents talked about the other one all the time, but we had a good laugh about it once we realized what was really happening. 

This is exactly what happened in our family as well 😆

[Ausmumof3]

Sharing is normal. It can go wrong in two ways - 1 - it’s being expressed with a tone of judgment and comparison, 2. - it’s being received with a sense of envy and comparison. In the first case the sharer ideally needs to look for the good in both parties and if not the sharee needs to get good at redirecting and deflecting the conversation. In the second, the sharer can be mindful and try not to focus too much on the sharing of all the good things and the sharee may need to identify why they’re feeling envy and if there’s any way to take some small steps toward filling unmet needs the improve their sense of personal contentment. Ie can’t take a trip but can do some day outings, can’t renovate but can buy a new decorative item, can’t study a full degree but can engage in some kind of microcredential learning or something. 

[Clarita]

My mom and MIL will share things about family members and friend's news and stuff. Small talk fodder in some ways and some ways just keeping me in the loop on family goings-on that I may not know about, not every shares all the things on social media. My mom lives in another country so those relatives are far away, so it's easier if she updates me on their things rather than me constantly google translating the family chat. MIL updates me on  family members I've met once or twice and I update her on the family member that somehow only figured out my FB account so I give her the updates on her on that family (pictures, fun stuff).

The weirdness of this is the statement that this ends up being a list of great achievements. I mean when I get these updates and small talk fodder it's really a mixed bag of good news, bad news and neutral news. So and so got a promotion but such and such also had a heart attack; such and such nephew might also have gotten their wisdom tooth taken out, while some family members decided to have dinner together last week. I'm getting an update on real people. Real people have ups and downs in their lives. So a great achievements list sort of just sounds like the parents are giving a Christmas card update of everything which wouldn't everyone already know from the Christmas card.

[catz]

In the context of my own young adult kids, it doesn't occur to me to give in depth play by play of relatives lives unless they ask or it comes up naturally in conversation.  Especially in terms of far extended family.  At some point, it becomes their job to maintain those relationships if they want to.  

Like this could happen 

"Oh, we met uncle bob and aunt jane for lunch and saw cousin joe for lunch"
"How was that?  Did Joe land that new job at Awesome Company?"
vs. 
"That's nice, did you try the new Korean restaurant with them?"

And that will determine what info might roll out and how the conversation will roll.  Sometimes when I talk to my own mom, I feel like she is talking AT me just regaling me with a bunch extended family info I don't really care about.  I have a nephew is doing sports and my mom right now will talk about that for HOURS.  I am happy for this kiddo, but I am not a sports ball person, and more than a 15 minute conversation on that topic (which often has a competitive gossipy tone) sets my eyes glaze over and on some petty level irritates me that my kids never got this level of excitement from a grandparent.  So I can see how even if it isn't intended as a judgment, it could feel like one.  If the delivery is always GOOD news I would be suspect of motive of this.  Because no one's life is actually just like that.  

So I think a lot can depend on how these conversations roll out.  Are they like delivery of a disssertation?  Because conversations should be two way and people should be reading and playing off each other.  And I don't think it's particularly awful if someone indicates they don't really care for the play by play.  I mean, it's fine to deliver news that may actually impact them "Hey just so you know, Suzie's wedding is schedule for Oct 23.  Not sure if that will work for you, but thought you might want that date for your calendar."  "Hey, X and Y are having a graduation party on Z date just FYI if you can make it".

Edited March 3 by catz

[SKL]

I would tell my kid such things, sure, why censor the truth?

However, I'd also be sensitive to the fact that telling all the glorious achievements can seem to put my kid in a "lesser" light.

So, first of all, I'd make sure my kid knew that I'm proud of my kid's growth.  Then, I'd put the rest in perspective.  Maybe the left side neighbor's 30yo just made partner, but the right side neighbor's kid just got a job stocking shelves, and the young adult across the street just got accepted into the special needs work experience program.  All are equally relevant.

[Ivey]

Even within our family, my kids and our relationships are different enough that what works for one doesn't work for all. 

Four of my sons have left home so far. I have very close, open, chatty relationships with two of them - we talk on the phone regularly and have long, wide-ranging conversations when we see each other in person. I never hesitate to tell either of these sons about things that are going on with our relatives/friends and they share a similar amount/level of information about their friends, partners, partners' families, etc. I don't feel like I'm rattling off a list of news items or accomplishments, because most things come up naturally during our conversations and they ask lots of questions as well. They don't have any problem telling me when I repeat a story they've heard before, start talking about something they're not interested in, or hit a sore spot. 

One of my other sons lives overseas and is not as much of a talker - when he calls it's for a specific purpose and our more general conversations happen when he comes home to visit. We talk less, so of course I end up sharing a lot less with him (it would be unnatural to spend more than a few minutes of our limited time together talking about other people) and sticking with things I know he would be interested in hearing about. I do make sure to text him about births, deaths, and other major news so that he can send congratulations/condolences. PhDs, promotions, etc. would not warrant a text. He's doing really well and hearing about other peoples' successes wouldn't phase him at all - I just don't think to mention those things. If I started telling him about acquaintances' professional achievements he'd probably think I was trying talk him into a career change. 😁

My other adult son is struggling right now and doesn't have the bandwidth to hear much about other people's successes (or struggles) outside of his immediate circle. It's something we've been through with him before (the transition from high school was hard - hearing about other kids' college plans/successes) and something he's working on, so I don't expect it to be this way forever.  

[Carrie12345]

Context and subtext matter, and people err on both sides.

My sister didn’t tell me she had a miscarriage for I don’t remember how long because it had happened days before one of my kids was born and she didn’t want me to have to think about that. But I would have wanted to be there for her as someone who had been through that. OR, maybe she didn’t want me to be *because I was having a baby but she didn’t want to say that. Lots of perspectives to look from.

The flip side is, when I had my miscarriage, my step-step sister got pregnant and no one told me for ages. And I felt so far out of the loop.

I struggle when it comes to tiptoeing. I’m happy for other people when good things happen to them. And if good things happen to someone we don’t like, it’d be more like, “Can you believe that jerk managed to ____?!?”

I have a mid-20s who is struggling. Maybe we’re just fortunate that he doesn’t have relatives near his age except two of his siblings, who he’s proud of, but are not on highly esteemed tracks.

Specific caveats assumed, dulling someone else’s light doesn’t make our own stronger. 

[regentrude]

5 hours ago, Carrie12345 said:

 dulling someone else’s light doesn’t make our own stronger. 

Beautifully put.