Do you know how to be a guest?

[KathyBC]

I am happiest at an event when I have a job to do. If I don't have one, I can usually find one.
I used to be a kid and happy to let people do stuff for me, but now I always "see" what needs doing - even if at some point probably others will do it - and am happiest jumping in. But my now-adult kids are poking me that when I am just a guest I should sit back and not do this.

Context: my sister lives in another province and had a smallish wedding for her daughter this weekend. I was happy to clear empty cups and cans, sweep the floor, reload ice, etc. My kids were picking on me. In hindsight, I don't want my actions to have made my sister feel like she didn't have things covered. She is very capable and competent. That is just my go-to behavior. But it occurs to me perhaps this is maybe more narcissistic than helpful, a 'savior' complex.

Thoughts? Can you just relax and be?

One other thought: could be mild ADD, a way to keep myself entertained productively.

[regentrude]

Yes, I can. I will ask hosts whether there is anything I can do to help,  and if the answer is No, I will happily sit and not get in their way.

I hate it when I have guests and they're trying to be helpful, because inevitably that disrupts my way of doing things and usually causes more work than if they had just left things alone.

[Ottakee]

I would much rather be behind the scenes helping at things like that.

[Katy]

I love to be a guest. 

[Beth S]

For me, I just focus on washing dirty dishes.
It doesn't require any direction, & truly relieves the hostess.

But yes, it's very easy to be an annoying guest--either by not helping, or that your help becomes an obstacle.

[regentrude]

2 minutes ago, Beth S said:

For me, I just focus on washing dirty dishes.
It doesn't require any direction, & truly relieves the hostess.

I'd not be amused if my guests started washing dishes. I would consider that way overstepping. And not helpful at all.

Edited July 12, 2022 by regentrude

[Pawz4me]

I ask if I can help with anything and if the answer is no then I take the hint and go and guest. ‘Cause when I’m hosting I want people to accept my “no thanks’ and stay out of my way and out of my kitchen. 

[KathyBC]

9 minutes ago, Katy said:

I love to be a guest. 

Lol, that is awesome!

[KathyBC]

7 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I'd not be amused if my guests started washing dishes. I would consider that way overstepping. And not helpful at all.

K, see now this is more like me when I am the hostess. 
My sister is way more chill than me. She asks, and is happy to either help or not.

It truly never occurred to me to ask in this context. The majority of attendees were in their 20s and having a *really* good time, so I jumped into mom role and should have asked first, I guess.

[maize]

As a guest of family I expect to help if there is room for me to do so. If any of my sisters was hosting a wedding I would have done what you did, and they would have done the same if I was hosting. That's very much our family culture.

For non-family, I would ask.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have had guests jump in to do things without asking and I was fuming inside. As a hostess I would never let them know though because I want my parties etc to be happy and never confrontational . I have had other times when friends or family have offered and I have gratefully accepted. The key for me is asking and respecting my home. It’s a boundary for me. 

[J-rap]

Both my siblings and my dh's siblings always just quietly start helping behind the scenes at events -- in the kitchen, etc.   I love it!  I can't imagine being bothered by that.  I wouldn't mind if non-family guests offered to help either, unless it was a very small group and I really wanted them to just be our guests.  I sure wouldn't mind if they asked, but I'd tell them no thanks, and would just visit with them while they were there and then clean up after they left. 

[Indigo Blue]

I’m a nervous and anxious guest because I don’t know if the hostess is going to be offended if I try to help or think negatively of me if I don’t. See? This thread is full of posts that show everyone is different. I would truly want to do whatever would be most helpful or acceptable. I feel guilty and self conscious if I don’t help. I wonder if I’m overstepping if I do. So, I avoid it. I’m too hyper aware to relax…..unless it’s someone I feel very comfortable around or that I know really well….then I’m TOTALLY fine. I don’t like being in situations where proper etiquette is expected and I just don’t know what that looks like in that scenario. 
 

ETA: If I were hosting, I wouldn’t be upset either way if someone helped or not. Though, if they did, I would think they were sweet to want to do that and I’d appreciate it. No worries if they don’t.

Edited July 12, 2022 by Indigo Blue

[Arcadia]

44 minutes ago, KathyBC said:

I am happiest at an event when I have a job to do. If I don't have one, I can usually find one.
I used to be a kid and happy to let people do stuff for me, but now I always "see" what needs doing - even if at some point probably others will do it - and am happiest jumping in.

One other thought: could be mild ADD, a way to keep myself entertained productively.

Maybe you just forgot how to relax and let others do the work 🙂

If I am a guest at my relatives’ event, I would be either chatting with relatives I haven’t seen for a long time or babysitting a youngster or both. So basically seated somewhere with other guests.

If it is any other event, we’ll ask the hosts if they need help. If our help is not needed, we just get out of their way and let them do their stuff. 
For a small gathering, we would offer to help clean up if we are the last few guests. Everyone would have thrown their disposable plates, utensils and drinks into the trash bins provided anyway. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

It’s literally only a couple of words to ask if you can help.  And all it requires from the host is a “yes” or “no”. Asking is not  a big deal. 

[BlsdMama]

58 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I'd not be amused if my guests started washing dishes. I would consider that way overstepping. And not helpful at all.

What if it wasn’t for an evening? A week or two. 

[Farrar]

Usually I'm fine with being a guest or helping out. I'm also fine with guests who I host and guests who pitch in.

But this thread is seriously making me anxious about it because people are apparently very particular and angry about it all.

[KathyBC]

15 minutes ago, Arcadia said:

Maybe you just forgot how to relax and let others do the work 🙂

If I am a guest at my relatives’ event, I would be either chatting with relatives I haven’t seen for a long time or babysitting a youngster or both. So basically seated somewhere with other guests.

If it is any other event, we’ll ask the hosts if they need help. If our help is not needed, we just get out of their way and let them do their stuff. 
For a small gathering, we would offer to help clean up if we are the last few guests. Everyone would have thrown their disposable plates, utensils and drinks into the trash bins provided anyway. 

Ok, would you ask first or jump in?

[J-rap]

8 minutes ago, Farrar said:

Usually I'm fine with being a guest or helping out. I'm also fine with guests who I host and guests who pitch in.

But this thread is seriously making me anxious about it because people are apparently very particular and angry about it all.

😄   I really don't care if people offer to help or not.  If they offer to help, great!  If not, that's great too!  I'd never assume that guests would help, and wouldn't expect it.  

ETA:  I often offer to help, but there are times when I've sensed that it wouldn't be appropriate.  So sometimes you just have to trust your gut!

Edited July 12, 2022 by J-rap

[Arcadia]

4 minutes ago, KathyBC said:

Ok, would you ask first or jump in?

Babysitting? The youngster(s) would be “dump” on me. In general, I would ask first because of cultural reasons. We have a Chinese saying “越帮越忙” that means that the help offered cause more work instead.

[Jean in Newcastle]

7 minutes ago, Farrar said:

Usually I'm fine with being a guest or helping out. I'm also fine with guests who I host and guests who pitch in.

But this thread is seriously making me anxious about it because people are apparently very particular and angry about it all.

I have had some guests who have seriously overstepped boundaries. I have had people come in for a non-potluck dinner which I had carefully planned and executed, saddle me with random unsolicited dishes that I had to fit in at the last minute. I have had guests who have broken small appliances because they didn’t bother to ask how to use them (and there was no reason to use them in the first place). I had guests decide that they should let their kids play catch in my living room and then said absolutely nothing when they broke a very expensive handmade clock. I had one older couple (extended family who I barely knew) tell me in my own home that I was excused from my own dinner table to put my young children to bed.
 

So yes, it’s a boundary issue for me. If I am adult enough to invite people to my house, then I am adult enough to plan the menu, to figure out how to deal with cleanup and how and when to put my own children to bed. So yes,  there are bad guests out there. It’s remarkably easy to be a good guest. All it requires is “can I help?” And then respecting the answer. 

[wintermom]

At a wedding, I would probably be focusing on talking with relatives or getting to know new people rather than attending to emply cups, ice, etc. I think the expectation at a wedding is for guests to enjoy the event, and not feel that it's their duty to be 'working' during the event. 

I don't think that there is a 'one size fits all' for every event and every relationship. If you have a relationship with your sister that you helping out before, during and/or after an event is common, then it seems pretty natural behavior you helping our during this event. For me personally, I'd ask my sister what I could do to help before jumping in. 

You asked "Can you just relax and be" as a guest. I don't always find it relaxing to sit and talk with people. I could see keeping oneself occupied by cleaning up as a good alternative to do the typical guest thing sometimes. It seems like the best thing to do would be to simply ask whether help is welcomed. That way you'd know for sure. 

[scholastica]

1 hour ago, regentrude said:

I'd not be amused if my guests started washing dishes. I would consider that way overstepping. And not helpful at all.

So true! And if they try to load my dishwasher, beware the wrath that will ensue!

[J-rap]

1 hour ago, regentrude said:

I'd not be amused if my guests started washing dishes. I would consider that way overstepping. And not helpful at all.

I don't understand this view at all.  Why would an offer to help be over-stepping?  Even if they just jumped in and started washing, I'd feel really touched that they chose to do this to help me.  

[Catwoman]

45 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

What if it wasn’t for an evening? A week or two. 

If anyone was staying at my house for a week or two, I would have moved to a hotel on Night #1. 😉 

[heartlikealion]

I think there are degrees. Clearing the cups at your own table or an abandoned table and not bringing attention to yourself while doing it, might be ok. Looking for and grabbing a broom while an event is still happening I think is too much. But you said it was your own sister, not a non relative, so I think there's a gray area here. What I did/didn't do I think would largely depend on the relationship with the person. As a general rule, I would not want to do too much cleaning mid service as to not make others feel like that was their clue to leave. 

[Harriet Vane]

1 hour ago, regentrude said:

I'd not be amused if my guests started washing dishes. I would consider that way overstepping. And not helpful at all.

This is a whole new perspective for me. 

Just musing and absolutely NOT judging your preference in your home:

My darling mother-in-law (now deceased) and sister-in-law have always been the best help ever. Also my brother-in-law. From the earliest days they have assumed that everyone helps until the chores are done, and that way we all get to have fun together more quickly. When I figured out that this was the system early in my marriage, I thought that was a much, much better way of doing things because I just really appreciated the help. I'm not a gifted housekeeper. And it was a whole new world to have a clean house after guests leave. Of course, it also helps that mil and sil and bil are some of my besties and also super-respectful of how things work in my kitchen, asking questions and expecting me to order them around. (And same at their houses, with the homeowner couple being the one in charge and cheerfully giving orders.)

Conversely, I recall throwing a baby shower for someone dear to me and ending up literally enraged that no one would help with anything. I cooked every single food item and set everything out. I decorated. I managed my grandmother with dementia. I directed the shower games and activities. I packaged up the food afterward and cleaned every single item while the others sat at a table chatting and snacking. I was heavily pregnant at the time, which contributed to both the exhaustion and the rage. When I asked for help ("Can you set this out?" or, "Let's package the food--you can take some home if you like."), they literally just sat there. I handed one person a package of pretty napkins to put on the table--she took them from my hand and set them on the kitchen bar rather than walk two steps further to the table that had literally everything else laid out. I felt the whole day was a spectacular display of selfish behavior. (I didn't share my rage. I just didn't host any more parties for that bunch for years.)

But reading your post, I'm starting to second guess. Musing out loud, I probably assume that "new" guests--people I do not know well--should not help. I want them to feel pampered, and I'd rather do the dishes myself later, after they leave. But my own family or friends who are old-timers in the circle should absolutely contribute.

@regentrude, do you differentiate as I do, or do you prefer guests not to help across the board? And do you think this is a European perspective versus American perspective, or simply yours or my personal foible? Genuinely curious.

@scholastica I see you agree with Regentrude. Help me understand...?

Edited July 12, 2022 by Harriet Vane

[Harriet Vane]

8 minutes ago, J-rap said:

I don't understand this view at all.  Why would an offer to help be over-stepping?  Even if they just jumped in and started washing, I'd feel really touched that they chose to do this to help me.  

Same. Not judging, trying to understand...

[heartlikealion]

12 minutes ago, J-rap said:

I don't understand this view at all.  Why would an offer to help be over-stepping?  Even if they just jumped in and started washing, I'd feel really touched that they chose to do this to help me.  

I can't speak for everyone but I'll answer for myself. I'd feel anxiety over this. One time we hosted a birthday party for my son at my parents' house. My then mother-in-law and sister-in-law took it upon themselves to clean up without asking. They poured chips from bowls back into the original chip bags. I was so disgusted. But what could I say? All I could think was, "gross." Lol If someone started doing dishes I would think a range of things from, "just enjoy the party, we'll deal with that later" to "do they know that dish brush is for cleaning the sink only? Do they know which towel is for hands and which is for dishes? Do they think my kitchen is a disaster?" "Do they think I'm a terrible host and they must take over?" So.much.anxiety. 

Edited July 12, 2022 by heartlikealion

[Jean in Newcastle]

56 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

What if it wasn’t for an evening? A week or two. 

A week or two becomes more of a shared housing situation than a “guest “ situation for me. 
 

Also I am realizing that perhaps there is a semantics issue here in this thread. Close family (ie my grown children ) are never  a “guest “ in my home. And they know where things go and know my (rather mundane) ways of doing things. My siblings don’t live locally and would need to ask so if it’s just them I don’t mind them working next to me but if I have a larger group then I would rather they act more like “guests” than “family “. It’s a matter of not wanting to have to multitask by having to answer questions when sometime I would rather just host. 

[regentrude]

57 minutes ago, J-rap said:

I don't understand this view at all.  Why would an offer to help be over-stepping?  Even if they just jumped in and started washing, I'd feel really touched that they chose to do this to help me.  

But it wouldn't actually help me. I have a dishwasher, know exactly how to load for optimum capacity - and while we have guests, I want there to be socializing and talking at the table and not people creating a disruption by getting up and working in the kitchen. 

It kills the atmosphere and brings a gathering to a premature end.

And when it's an extended outdoor party and folks are still coming in to serve themselves at the buffet, it signals "time is up, cleaning has started". Total mood killer.

Edited July 12, 2022 by regentrude

[J-rap]

1 minute ago, heartlikealion said:

I can't speak for everyone but I'll answer for myself. I'd feel anxiety over this. One time we hosted a birthday party for my son at my parents' house. My then mother-in-law and sister-in-law took it upon themselves to clean up without asking. They poured chips from bowls back into the original chip bags. I was so disgusted. But what could I say? All I could think was, "gross." Lol If someone started doing dishes I would think a range of things from, "just enjoy the party, we'll deal with that later" to "do they know that dish brush is for cleaning the sink only? Do they know which towel is for hands and which is for dishes? Do they think my kitchen is a disaster?" "Do they think I'm a terrible host and they must take over?" So.much.anxiety. 

Thanks for taking the time to explain that.  Yeah, I can see that not cleaning up the same way, plus germs and such, might feel uncomfortable.  My siblings and in-laws all happen to be particular about germs and such so I guess I haven't run into that!  😄   But I also don't feel anxiety, so it's helpful to hear your perspective. 

[Arcadia]

8 minutes ago, Harriet Vane said:

. Of course, it also helps that mil and sil and bil are some of my besties and also super-respectful of how things work in my kitchen, asking questions and expecting me to order them around. (And same at their houses, with the homeowner couple being the one in charge and cheerfully giving orders.)

Your in-laws are still offering to help and taking your wishes into consideration. The homeowner stays in charge.

16 minutes ago, J-rap said:

I don't understand this view at all.  Why would an offer to help be over-stepping?  Even if they just jumped in and started washing, I'd feel really touched that they chose to do this to help me.  

Offering to help to me is common courtesy. Jumping in to help without asking feels overstepping. It can come across as condescending and taking over. 

[fraidycat]

"Is there anything I can do to help?" Takes the guesswork out of the situation. Then you can relax and enjoy either just being a guest, or being helpful, knowing that you are not stepping on anyone's toes or failing to live up to expectations.

[J-rap]

1 minute ago, Arcadia said:

Your in-laws are still offering to help and taking your wishes into consideration. The homeowner stays in charge.

Offering to help to me is common courtesy. Jumping in to help without asking feels overstepping. It can come across as condescending and taking over. 

That's interesting.  It would never occur to me that someone was overstepping if they just jumped in without asking.  I'd think it was really sweet of them!  Even if they didn't do it the way I liked.  Just a difference of opinion I guess!

[J-rap]

4 minutes ago, regentrude said:

But it wouldn't actually help me. I have a dishwasher, know exactly how to load for optimum capacity - and while we have guests, I want there to be socializing and talking at the table and not people creating a disruption by getting up and working in the kitchen. 

It kills the atmosphere and brings a gathering to a premature end.

And when it's an extended outdoor party and folks are still coming in to serve themselves at the buffet, it signals "time is up, cleaning had started". Total mood killer.

I can understand feeling like someone suddenly jumping up to clean would break up the mood if it was a smaller group.  Then I think I'd tell them to please just leave it because talking with each other was more important and I could easily clean up afterward.  But when it's a larger group, or even a smaller group of close friends and family, then I don't mind when people take initiative to start cleaning once it seems like things are winding down.

[regentrude]

40 minutes ago, Harriet Vane said:

This is a whole new perspective for me. 

Just musing and absolutely NOT judging your preference in your home:

My darling mother-in-law (now deceased) and sister-in-law have always been the best help ever. Also my brother-in-law. From the earliest days they have assumed that everyone helps until the chores are done, and that way we all get to have fun together more quickly. When I figured out that this was the system early in my marriage, I thought that was a much, much better way of doing things because I just really appreciated the help. I'm not a gifted housekeeper. And it was a whole new world to have a clean house after guests leave. Of course, it also helps that mil and sil and bil are some of my besties and also super-respectful of how things work in my kitchen, asking questions and expecting me to order them around. (And same at their houses, with the homeowner couple being the one in charge and cheerfully giving orders.)

Conversely, I recall throwing a baby shower for someone dear to me and ending up literally enraged that no one would help with anything. I cooked every single food item and set everything out. I decorated. I managed my grandmother with dementia. I directed the shower games and activities. I packaged up the food afterward and cleaned every single item while the others sat at a table chatting and snacking. I was heavily pregnant at the time, which contributed to both the exhaustion and the rage. When I asked for help ("Can you set this out?" or, "Let's package the food--you can take some home if you like."), they literally just sat there. I handed one person a package of pretty napkins to put on the table--she took them from my hand and set them on the kitchen bar rather than walk two steps further to the table that had literally everything else laid out. I felt the whole day was a spectacular display of selfish behavior. (I didn't share my rage. I just didn't host any more parties for that bunch for years.)

But reading your post, I'm starting to second guess. Musing out loud, I probably assume that "new" guests--people I do not know well--should not help. I want them to feel pampered, and I'd rather do the dishes myself later, after they leave. But my own family or friends who are old-timers in the circle should absolutely contribute.

@regentrude, do you differentiate as I do, or do you prefer guests not to help across the board? And do you think this is a European perspective versus American perspective, or simply yours or my personal foible? Genuinely curious.

@scholastica I see you agree with Regentrude. Help me understand...?

When I host a dinner party, we sit at the table and eat and talk. DH and I get up to serve the different courses and wine. Guests getting up and working would disrupt the flow of conversation, crowd the kitchen, and disrupt my way of doing things. Not helpful, not enjoyable. When folks do that, it is likely to break up the party. I want people to sit all evening. For Thanksgiving, we started eating at 2pm, and the last guests got up from the table at 10pm and left. If I host a dinner party for 8-10, it will take me no more than 15 minutes to clean up the kitchen once I do it when the guests are gone.

If I host a big party with 30-50 people in my yard, it will take DH and me half an hour - he does the outside, moves the furniture back and brings in stuff; I load the dishwasher, put away all food. 30 minutes after the party the dishwasher is running, dishes for the 2nd load are stacked, and we go to bed.
People busying themselves in the kitchen cramp the style of folks who want to come in for more food, who hang out in the kitchen with their drinks - it prematurely signals the end of the party. The last group of people to leave maybe grab a few bottles or candles along with their plates when they come inside to collect their stuff. 

ETA: Pre-pandemic, I used to host a LOT. Dinner parties, drinks & nibbles receptions for 20 roughly every other week, a giant summer party, several smaller parties.... I got the cleanup down to extreme efficiency.

Edited July 12, 2022 by regentrude

[heartlikealion]

This could be a whole 'nother thread but it reminds me of the question I've asked myself "what is proper etiquette for leaving after spending the night?" I think we have discussed this in the past. Like do you strip the bed or leave it be? And the bottom line is, it depends what the host wants. And people don't always think to ask the host and we all just go around assuming what to do. I think that's the same for most situations. Know your host lol. 

[regentrude]

2 minutes ago, J-rap said:

I can understand feeling like someone suddenly jumping up to clean would break up the mood if it was a smaller group.  Then I think I'd tell them to please just leave it because talking with each other was more important and I could easily clean up afterward.  But when it's a larger group, or even a smaller group of close friends and family, then I don't mind when people take initiative to start cleaning once it seems like things are winding down.

But it isn't helping me. For one thing, that really shuts down things fast. For another, there is only one person who can load the dishwasher or put things in the fridge. And well-meaning folks who don't know which items I hand wash, where things go, and how my kitchen is organized end up standing in my way and prolonging the process. really, it only takes me a few minutes to restore order - once I have space and quiet.

[regentrude]

1 hour ago, Indigo Blue said:

I’m a nervous and anxious guest because I don’t know if the hostess is going to be offended if I try to help or think negatively of me if I don’t. See? This thread is full of posts that show everyone is different. I would truly want to do whatever would be most helpful or acceptable. I feel guilty and self conscious if I don’t help. I wonder if I’m overstepping if I do. So, I avoid it. I’m too hyper aware to relax…..unless it’s someone I feel very comfortable around or that I know really well….then I’m TOTALLY fine. I don’t like being in situations where proper etiquette is expected and I just don’t know what that looks like in that scenario. 

Why don't you simply ask: "Can I do anything to help?" That is the polite thing to do, and they can then tell you what they prefer. Easy.

[regentrude]

1 hour ago, BlsdMama said:

What if it wasn’t for an evening? A week or two. 

That's different. The only people who stay that long are family, and they have the run of the kitchen, can serve themselves from the fridge, are free to put their dishes into the dishwasher, we might cook together. But they are not "guests". When my adult kids and their partners are staying with us, this is their home.

Edited July 12, 2022 by regentrude

[Arcadia]

2 minutes ago, J-rap said:

That's interesting.  It would never occur to me that someone was overstepping if they just jumped in without asking.  I'd think it was really sweet of them!  Even if they didn't do it the way I liked.  Just a difference of opinion I guess!

Usually it means I have to redo and/or I can’t do what I need to do.
For example, my in-laws and my husband like to soak dishes in the sink to wash hours later. That means that my sink can’t be used until I washed up all the soaked dishes. I prefer dirty dishes to be left on the stove and kitchen countertop so that I could use the sink. 
Another example is my MIL is tall so she put stuff on my kitchen countertop into my kitchen cabinets top shelves so that the countertop looks less cluttered. That means I need to get a chair to stand on to see what is on the top shelves and try to grab what I need while hoping not to fall. My husband and my FIL had reminded her that I can’t reach the top shelves (barely reach the middle shelves) but it doesn’t register. My boys would just help me bring stuff back down when my in-laws leave. 

[regentrude]

4 minutes ago, Arcadia said:

Usually it means I have to redo and/or I can’t do what I need to do.
For example, my in-laws and my husband like to soak dishes in the sink to wash hours later. That means that my sink can’t be used until I washed up all the soaked dishes. I prefer dirty dishes to be left on the stove and kitchen countertop so that I could use the sink. 
Another example is my MIL is tall so she put stuff on my kitchen countertop into my kitchen cabinets top shelves so that the countertop looks less cluttered. That means I need to get a chair to stand on to see what is on the top shelves and try to grab what I need while hoping not to fall. My husband and my FIL had reminded her that I can’t reach the top shelves (barely reach the middle shelves) but it doesn’t register. My boys would just help me bring stuff back down when my in-laws leave. 

Yep. Every year at my summer party (30-50 people), somebody starts rinsing off dishes in the sink. So instead of the pile of dishes in the (labeled for this purpose!) pan I set to the side, I end up with a stopped sink full of wet plates and disgusting soggy food scraps swimming on the bottom. Well meaning, but not the least bit helpful - it's gross, and it'll take me more time.

Edited July 12, 2022 by regentrude

[heartlikealion]

30-50 people. I'm getting paper plates. I don't even own that many real plates. 

[Catwoman]

11 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

This could be a whole 'nother thread but it reminds me of the question I've asked myself "what is proper etiquette for leaving after spending the night?" I think we have discussed this in the past. Like do you strip the bed or leave it be? And the bottom line is, it depends what the host wants. And people don't always think to ask the host and we all just go around assuming what to do. I think that's the same for most situations. Know your host lol. 

I don’t spend the night at people’s houses, but if I did, it would never occur to me to strip the bed. I would make the bed so it looked tidy, but it would seem really weird to strip the bed. 

And all of these posts are why I don’t have overnight guests and why I always stay in hotels when I’m away from home. The only overnight guest I would have would be my ds22 if he didn’t already live at home, but as @regentrude already said, he and his future family would never be considered guests because they would be home.

[Catwoman]

Just now, heartlikealion said:

30-50 people. I'm getting paper plates. I don't even own that many real plates. 

I do have that many real plates, but I’m still getting a caterer. 😉 

[J-rap]

4 minutes ago, Arcadia said:

Usually it means I have to redo and/or I can’t do what I need to do.
For example, my in-laws and my husband like to soak dishes in the sink to wash hours later. That means that my sink can’t be used until I washed up all the soaked dishes. I prefer dirty dishes to be left on the stove and kitchen countertop so that I could use the sink. 
Another example is my MIL is tall so she put stuff on my kitchen countertop into my kitchen cabinets top shelves so that the countertop looks less cluttered. That means I need to get a chair to stand on to see what is on the top shelves and try to grab what I need while hoping not to fall. My husband and my FIL had reminded her that I can’t reach the top shelves (barely reach the middle shelves) but it doesn’t register. My boys would just help me bring stuff back down when my in-laws leave. 

 

14 minutes ago, regentrude said:

But it isn't helping me. For one thing, that really shuts down things fast. For another, there is only one person who can load the dishwasher or put things in the fridge. And well-meaning folks who don't know which items I hand wash, where things go, and how my kitchen is organized end up standing in my way and prolonging the process. really, it only takes me a few minutes to restore order - once I have space and quiet.

This is so interesting!  But also, I'm not the greatest housekeeper, so maybe that's why I don't mind when other people help.  If the tables and counter look clean, then I feel like I can go to sleep and just leave anything else until the next day.  🙂 

[regentrude]

1 minute ago, heartlikealion said:

30-50 people. I'm getting paper plates. I don't even own that many real plates. 

I don't do paper plates for environmental reasons. Many years ago, I bought 50 colorful dishwasher safe plastic plates with compartments; they are nesting and don't take up much space. I lend them to friends hosting large parties. Works beautifully, and no trash. And yes, we use reusable utensils, too.

[KSera]

 

55 minutes ago, J-rap said:

I don't understand this view at all.  Why would an offer to help be over-stepping?  Even if they just jumped in and started washing, I'd feel really touched that they chose to do this to help me.  

I’m sensing this has the potential to end up in the shopping cart and shoes in the house realm.

43 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

"do they know that dish brush is for cleaning the sink only? Do they know which towel is for hands and which is for dishes? Do they think my kitchen is a disaster?" "Do they think I'm a terrible host and they must take over?" So.much.anxiety. 

All of this. I’m particular about not using sponges on dishes or counters, and we have a particular way that dirty dishes go in one area and clean ones to dry in another, and it totally throws me and grosses me out a bit if people start stacking dirty dishes in the clean dish area. I’ve also had people put my cast-iron pan in a sink full of soapy water to soak, and not found it until later 😱. I don’t actually mind certain kinds of help, if someone asks, but really only with family.

[MercyA]

nm 🙂 

Edited July 12, 2022 by MercyA