I'm On The Other Side of Stage 1 Swedish Death Cleaning

[HS Mom in NC]

It's been about 10 days since I did the first, for real, no kidding, stage 1 Swedish Death Cleaning. I don't think it's the same as downsizing at or near empty nesting stage (I already did that) because I think Death Cleaning is more about acknowledging a door of opportunity slamming shut. 

I wept over sleeping bags. All my camping equipment went to the local homeless to keep them warm during winter.  I'm glad about that. I'm not much of a sentimentalist, but the things my brother made for me and things I used for our time together on our adventures mean a lot to me.  I know I can live without them but it's still a little tender. I had to admit that my medical conditions are not going to be avoided and they're going to affect my mobility-they already have.  I'm only 48. It's been a painful blow.  It still stings a little, but it's going to be OK.

Anyway, I just want to encourage anyone facing that kind of thing. It's OK to be scared and sad. You can do it.

[Faith-manor]

I want to start this process as well. It needs to begin with a 10x12 room packed with 4H stuff that the extension office did not want when we quit our volunteer positions. It seems hard emotionally to part with it.

I am sorry it is hard for you and mobility issues are behind it. Hugs!

[RootAnn]

Congratulations on making it over the first hump. I'm sorry you are facing your health issues but your ability to make these decisions is motivational for the rest of us.

[MEmama]

Idk what death cleaning is,lol,  but can I ask how you donated tents, sleeping bags, etc directly to the homeless?
 

We have a closet full of very nice camping equipment I have no desire to use again. I doubt I can get DH on board to let it go, but if I’m ever successful I’d prefer to give it directly to someone in need and who can make real use of it instead of giving it to the outdoor consignment shop. 
 

I once donated 12-15 quilts, but that was in a different city and our local food bank there offered a path to make sure they got directly into the hands of people who could use them. I have another 10 or so I’d love to do the same thing with. 

[Faith-manor]

1 minute ago, MEmama said:

Idk what death cleaning is,lol,  but can I ask how you donated tents, sleeping bags, etc directly to the homeless?
 

We have a closet full of very nice camping equipment I have no desire to use again. I doubt I can get DH on board to let it go, but if I’m ever successful I’d prefer to give it directly to someone in need and who can make real use of it instead of giving it to the outdoor consignment shop. 
 

I once donated 12-15 quilts, but that was in a different city and our local food bank there offered a path to make sure they got directly into the hands of people who could use them. I have another 10 or so I’d love to do the same thing with. 

I don't know about the camping equipment, but call your local United Methodist Churches. The Bishops have a blanket program for providing blankets to those in need, and collect for it annually. Very likely the  UMC can take them off your hands.

[MEmama]

1 minute ago, Faith-manor said:

I don't know about the camping equipment, but call your local United Methodist Churches. The Bishops have a blanket program for providing blankets to those in need, and collect for it annually. Very likely the  UMC can take them off your hands.

Good idea.
I’d prefer very much to not go through religious institutions if possible, though. But I’ll keep it in mind! 🙂 

[fairfarmhand]

18 minutes ago, HS Mom in NC said:

It's been about 10 days since I did the first, for real, no kidding, stage 1 Swedish Death Cleaning. I don't think it's the same as downsizing at or near empty nesting stage (I already did that) because I think Death Cleaning is more about acknowledging a door of opportunity slamming shut. 

I wept over sleeping bags. All my camping equipment went to the local homeless to keep them warm during winter.  I'm glad about that. I'm not much of a sentimentalist, but the things my brother made for me and things I used for our time together on our adventures mean a lot to me.  I know I can live without them but it's still a little tender. I had to admit that my medical conditions are not going to be avoided and they're going to affect my mobility-they already have.  I'm only 48. It's been a painful blow.  It still stings a little, but it's going to be OK.

Anyway, I just want to encourage anyone facing that kind of thing. It's OK to be scared and sad. You can do it.

Hugs.

And gentle encouragement. As hard as it is, as bad as it hurts, you know this is the right thing.

[HS Mom in NC]

6 minutes ago, MEmama said:

 but can I ask how you donated tents, sleeping bags, etc directly to the homeless?

Food Not Bombs coordinated pick up locations in my area.  They have a network of people who will give them directly to the homeless along with winter clothing.

[MEmama]

4 minutes ago, HS Mom in NC said:

Food Not Bombs coordinated pick up locations in my area.  They have a network of people who will give them directly to the homeless along with winter clothing.

Perfect! I’ll see if we have a chapter in our “big city”.

[Ellie]

I'm doing a little Swedish death cleaning, too.

[prairiewindmomma]

Hugs! 
 

I needed to see this today. I am looking at my dim strand of LED exterior Christmas lights and realizing that perhaps that door is closing for me.  I really have no business being on a ladder hanging lights, and it would be prudent of me to just let this go and not replace them once they are done.

[Storygirl]

Good work! I really need to do this in my basement storage room and the garage, specifically. I am loathe to do it, because I have boxes of sentimental items and photos, etc., from my mother's side of the family. I know, for example, that I have my deceased aunt's wallet with her driver's license. Who needs that? But I can't throw it away. I need to come up with a better system for storing memorabilia in particular and cull it down to the basic things that may interest my kids one day, instead of the boxes of EVERYTHING that exist now.

I don't knit. I used to knit dishcloths, because my grandmother taught me. But I haven't done that in years. I have boxes of her yarn and knitting patterns. Not sure I can bring myself to get rid of things like that, for sentimental reasons. I tell myself that one day I will take up knitting again.

It's so hard! I admire your efforts!

[Miss Tick]

How do you handle things that are not exclusively yours? Things that dh or the dc might have a claim to often get bogged down when I try to get buy-in without offending anyone. In a couple years the dc will start spreading their wings, I assume it starts to get easier at that point.

I'm not to the Death Cleaning level yet, just dipping a toe in here.

[Faith-manor]

1 hour ago, MEmama said:

Good idea.
I’d prefer very much to not go through religious institutions if possible, though. But I’ll keep it in mind! 🙂 

Yes, I understand completely. Another thought would be your local domestic violence shelter. Ours loves to get quilts and nice blankets.

[itsheresomewhere]

1 hour ago, Faith-manor said:

I want to start this process as well. It needs to begin with a 10x12 room packed with 4H stuff that the extension office did not want when we quit our volunteer positions. It seems hard emotionally to part with it.

I am sorry it is hard for you and mobility issues are behind it. Hugs!

Contact the other 4H groups on Facebook.  That is how we are getting stuff the extension office said they didn’t want ( I guess the thought of actually asking the clubs is too much for them).   And some of the private and charter schools here are starting rocket clubs ( if I remember right that is what your club was), so it might be very useful to them.

[Faith-manor]

Just now, itsheresomewhere said:

Contact the other 4H groups on Facebook.  That is how we are getting stuff the extension office said they didn’t want ( I guess the thought of actually asking the clubs is too much for them).   And some of the private and charter schools here are starting rocket clubs ( if I remember right that is what your club was), so it might be very useful to them.

We did reach our locally. Funding cuts. The only schools within a two hour drive of here closed out their rocketry programs, and there are no 4H clubs within our district doing it. We were always the only one. So my next call is to the Michigan Space Consortium to see if they want any of it for educational outreach.

[Selkie]

Dh and I are at the tail end of our Swedish Death Cleaning. We started in September when our youngest went off to college and our nest was officially empty. We’ve been ruthless and it feels great knowing our kids will never have to deal with it. Plus the house feels so much more spacious and easy to keep tidy now. We gave everything to a thrift store that benefits a local animal rescue.

[MEmama]

23 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

Yes, I understand completely. Another thought would be your local domestic violence shelter. Ours loves to get quilts and nice blankets.

Fantastic idea. Thank you! 

They are beautiful, warm, handmade quilts. MIL went through a long phase where she would make multiple quilts for us every.single.year. We neither like the colors nor have the need for more than one, so they just pile up. I feel constantly guilty at our overflowing cabinet full of blankets that we never pull out, when they could be put to good use with someone else. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I refuse to close the door on new opportunities. After 30 plus years of chronic pain and illness I have done 9 months of Physical therapy plus one year now with a personal trainer out of the PT office. I am stronger than I ever was. It’s slooooow going. The “I lifted weights and did these exercises for three months and now I am a changed and buff woman “ isn’t that easy for me.   Anyway. I am all for evaluating what I want to do and changing gears because of it but I refuse to “be old”. (This might be a losing battle at some point but I am ten years older and am adding hiking and dog agility to my activities. ). 

[Catwoman]

I'm so sorry you're having health problems, @HS Mom in NC -- I didn't know! 😞 

 

[Selkie]

35 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I refuse to close the door on new opportunities. After 30 plus years of chronic pain and illness I have done 9 months of Physical therapy plus one year now with a personal trainer out of the PT office. I am stronger than I ever was. It’s slooooow going. The “I lifted weights and did these exercises for three months and now I am a changed and buff woman “ isn’t that easy for me.   Anyway. I am all for evaluating what I want to do and changing gears because of it but I refuse to “be old”. (This might be a losing battle at some point but I am ten years older and am adding hiking and dog agility to my activities. ). 

I agree, I don't see Swedish Death Cleaning as having anything to do with opportunities. To me, it is just getting rid of excess items that I don't need so my kids aren't burdened with the task in the future.

[Beth S]

Totally Proud Of You, @HS Mom in NC!
I've read the Swedish Death Cleaning book, and watched Youtubers follow her suggestions.

We've become Empty Nesters.  My ongoing goal is to make sure all my Highly Sentimental Things are stored/displayed in my big closet.
I now know that nothing in the attic (for example) is Highly Sentimental.

And I've told the kids that all my "good stuff" is in my closet.  It's MY version of Step 1. 👍

[TexasProud]

47 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I refuse to close the door on new opportunities. After 30 plus years of chronic pain and illness I have done 9 months of Physical therapy plus one year now with a personal trainer out of the PT office. I am stronger than I ever was. It’s slooooow going. The “I lifted weights and did these exercises for three months and now I am a changed and buff woman “ isn’t that easy for me.   Anyway. I am all for evaluating what I want to do and changing gears because of it but I refuse to “be old”. (This might be a losing battle at some point but I am ten years older and am adding hiking and dog agility to my activities. ). 

I can see what you are saying and this area you are correct. But the pile of scraps of materials and quilt books my dad gave me over 30 years ago, LOL. Yeah, that opportunity has closed. I am not going to quilt. I liked the idea of quilting when I was younger, but I have too many other interests and things I want to learn now.  The opportunity to fit into my wedding dress has probably passed, though a friend of mine posted pictures of her 30th anniversary pics in her original gown. Have to admit that made me jealous and envious. I will never be that size 0/2 again. I would like to be a 6 again, but 10 isn't horrible.

But yeah, there are opportunities that have passed. 

[Beth S]

3 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

The opportunity to fit into my wedding dress has probably passed

P.S.  Last month, I gave my wedding dress to our 6yo granddaughter for dressup.  Our daughter loved dressing up in it, & was happy to take it.

[KungFuPanda]

2 hours ago, Storygirl said:

Good work! I really need to do this in my basement storage room and the garage, specifically. I am loathe to do it, because I have boxes of sentimental items and photos, etc., from my mother's side of the family. I know, for example, that I have my deceased aunt's wallet with her driver's license. Who needs that? But I can't throw it away. I need to come up with a better system for storing memorabilia in particular and cull it down to the basic things that may interest my kids one day, instead of the boxes of EVERYTHING that exist now.

I don't knit. I used to knit dishcloths, because my grandmother taught me. But I haven't done that in years. I have boxes of her yarn and knitting patterns. Not sure I can bring myself to get rid of things like that, for sentimental reasons. I tell myself that one day I will take up knitting again.

It's so hard! I admire your efforts!

I’m saving knitting for a less active phase of my life. I learned it, liked it, made socks and scarves, had plans to advance, but got too busy. I never did a stash hoard, so the storage needs for this are minimal. 

[TexasProud]

1 minute ago, Beth S said:

P.S.  Last month, I gave my wedding dress to our 6yo granddaughter for dressup.  Our daughter loved dressing up in it, & was happy to take it.

Great idea. Even though my kids are in their 20's, there are no significant others. Will probably be 10 years or more before I have grandchildren.  I mean, we were almost 30 before we had kids, and we had been married for 5 years before we wanted them. So who knows. They may not get married at all. Their lives. Their choices.

[HS Mom in NC]

2 hours ago, SusanC said:

How do you handle things that are not exclusively yours? Things that dh or the dc might have a claim to often get bogged down when I try to get buy-in without offending anyone. In a couple years the dc will start spreading their wings, I assume it starts to get easier at that point.

I'm not to the Death Cleaning level yet, just dipping a toe in here.

I don't handle other people's or communal stuff. I only have 1 mid-teens kid at home.  With the others I was clear that if they wanted X, they needed to take it with them when they moved out.  When they lived at home and with my husband and youngest, their stuff can't be in the common spaces or someone else's space. Once storage areas are filled to capacity (not overflowing or over stuffed) it has to go. It also can't interfere with regular cleaning and maintenance.  It has to be possible to be dusted, wiped down, vacuumed, swept and dusted regularly or it has to go. Repair men have to be able to access every part of the house should there be a leak, damage, or anything else that needs doing.

[Beth S]

11 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Great idea. Even though my kids are in their 20's, there are no significant others. Will probably be 10 years or more before I have grandchildren.  I mean, we were almost 30 before we had kids, and we had been married for 5 years before we wanted them. So who knows. They may not get married at all. Their lives. Their choices.

Oh, then possibly pass it along to another family who would love adding it to their dressup stash!
Of course if it's a dress that can be re-worn by a bride, there are more options for donation!

Also, my dh has explained how to get rid of his power tools and other collections. 
I plan to reach out to his like-minded friend for help in passing his gear onto others.

Edited November 29, 2021 by Beth S

[Murphy101]

3 hours ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Hugs! 
 

I needed to see this today. I am looking at my dim strand of LED exterior Christmas lights and realizing that perhaps that door is closing for me.  I really have no business being on a ladder hanging lights, and it would be prudent of me to just let this go and not replace them once they are done.

This is me. It’s not so much closing to opportunity as it is just accepting that ya know what? Such as I love amusement park rides. Never a ride I would not do and loved them all - but at this point all I see when I see rides is 3+ visits to the chiropractor and week of not being able to sleep comfortably.  Same for the Christmas lights on the outside of the house.  If the big kids want them - they will need to do it and promise to take them down before Lent. But now most of the kids are over 18 and working and most of them are moved out and can’t make that promise. And it’s absolutely okay. 

2 hours ago, SusanC said:

How do you handle things that are not exclusively yours? Things that dh or the dc might have a claim to often get bogged down when I try to get buy-in without offending anyone. In a couple years the dc will start spreading their wings, I assume it starts to get easier at that point.

I'm not to the Death Cleaning level yet, just dipping a toe in here.

It helps that I have always been a minimalist.  If they want to keep it - THEY have to properly store it. Box in the attic with label or whatever.  I have always told them it’s unreasonable to expect someone else to put more care into their items than they do and this is no different.  If they leave it to me to store, then they risk me not putting the same value in things as them and I may think it perfectly acceptable to donate or toss things.  I’m sincerely not being malicious about it. That’s just the natural consequence of letting someone else decide that for them.

I have a yarn stash. Some of my yarn I could sell or give away or whatever. But it’s unreasonable to expect others to know which skeins are sentimental to me or worth quite a bit more than others. So I manage my yarn myself. 

Edited November 29, 2021 by Murphy101

[prairiewindmomma]

2 hours ago, Storygirl said:

Good work! I really need to do this in my basement storage room and the garage, specifically. I am loathe to do it, because I have boxes of sentimental items and photos, etc., from my mother's side of the family. I know, for example, that I have my deceased aunt's wallet with her driver's license. Who needs that? But I can't throw it away. I need to come up with a better system for storing memorabilia in particular and cull it down to the basic things that may interest my kids one day, instead of the boxes of EVERYTHING that exist now.

 

I'm dealing with this now.  In reality, my kids don't have the same sentimental feelings towards things that I do, because their own memories are different. In addition, I need to note the significance of some items.  I have decided that I will keep only small things, and that I'm going to organize things into hinged archival boxes. If they are worth keeping, then they are worth keeping well. Uline has acid free boxes and tissue: https://www.uline.com/Product/AdvSearchResult?keywords=archival

[HS Mom in NC]

1 hour ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I refuse to close the door on new opportunities. After 30 plus years of chronic pain and illness I have done 9 months of Physical therapy plus one year now with a personal trainer out of the PT office. I am stronger than I ever was. It’s slooooow going. The “I lifted weights and did these exercises for three months and now I am a changed and buff woman “ isn’t that easy for me.   Anyway. I am all for evaluating what I want to do and changing gears because of it but I refuse to “be old”. (This might be a losing battle at some point but I am ten years older and am adding hiking and dog agility to my activities. ). 

There aren't any treatments for me other than more titanium cages in my neck that fuse (reducing mobility)  to avoid cord compression on my spinal column, which I've already experienced. Due the the high risk of spinal surgery, they only do that when they absolutely have to. I can't be out climbing rock cliffs and on remotely located hikes when another disc blows and pinches off my spinal cord. Last time I lost the use of my hands. The Fentynal the doctors gave me only took the edge off the pain. They didn't let me get out of the bed on my own when medical transport came to transfer me to the specialist hospital because it was too risky-2 strong EMTs wrapped me in a blanket and lifted me onto a gurney and put me in an ambulance to take me from one hospital to the other.

Another pair of vertebrae are being monitored because it could be any day or years, but odds are, it will happen again. The consequences of post surgery settlement have brought about blinding tension headaches due to the strain.  Only one of the half dozen muscle relaxers both works and is mild enough that I can stay awake when taking them. I'm limited. I've spent 18 months figuring out exactly what those limitations are and failing at most of it.  PT can't fix that or the severe osteoarthritis and joint pain they discovered during the imaging for my neck. Neither can positive thinking. Hiking is over. Overnight camping in a tent on an air mattress is over. Walking through the woods on a maintained path is all I can do now, so that's what I'm doing. I don't need gear for that.

[Faith-manor]

1 hour ago, Selkie said:

I agree, I don't see Swedish Death Cleaning as having anything to do with opportunities. To me, it is just getting rid of excess items that I don't need so my kids aren't burdened with the task in the future.

Yes, I think it will be freeing. We want to do a lot more traveling in retirement, and we have the eventual permanent move to Alabama to make. So this really "rip the bandaid off" thinning out is beginning to make me feel lighter and excited about the future.

[marbel]

I think it's wise at any age to identify and accept how life has changed and move on from that, and that may include getting rid of stuff that no longer fits the life we are actually living (not the life we used to live). I cannot get the people I live with on board for this so am dealing with my stuff as best I can.  I used to find it cute and amusing that my  mother seemingly wanted her death to cause no trouble to anyone, and in terms of actual physical stuff, she got what she wanted. Now I understand it. 

[Faith-manor]

10 minutes ago, marbel said:

I think it's wise at any age to identify and accept how life has changed and move on from that, and that may include getting rid of stuff that no longer fits the life we are actually living (not the life we used to live). I cannot get the people I live with on board for this so am dealing with my stuff as best I can.  I used to find it cute and amusing that my  mother seemingly wanted her death to cause no trouble to anyone, and in terms of actual physical stuff, she got what she wanted. Now I understand it. 

I get this. Dh is not nearly as on board with this as me. But I did say that he needed to really think about what it means to pack his stuff and haul it all to Bama, and probably do that mostly without my help because I will have my stuff and the rest of the house simplified and ready single handedly. His face told me that he might be starting to think about that. Now if C (our eldest boy) will just get 1000 books out of here. I told him if his grad school digs will not accommodate them and he doesn't voluntarily thin it out, I will take care of it on my own. I think he is scared!

 

[Lecka]

ME Mama, there is a group in my town call Human Justice League or Human Injustice League.  They coordinate outreach to a homeless encampment at the edge of our town.  
 

I know about it from church because our church signs up for days to take food, through this group.

 

But this group is not religious in any way.  
 

Maybe there is something like this near you?  I have lived place that I don’t think have anything like this, but this town does.  
 

Edit:  and it’s called the Social Injustice League.  It’s really nice for our church bc we have people who will come and cook and package food, but don’t feel safe to go down to the encampment, and they have volunteers who have built relationships there.  
 

They have a sign up and any community group or family can sign up.  I don’t think it is majority churches.  

Edited November 29, 2021 by Lecka

[Lecka]

ME Mama there is also a domestic violence shelter here that has little houses that any group or individual can sponsor.

Again I only know about it bc our church sponsors two little houses.

But it is not religious.  Some churches sponsor, and families, businesses, clubs, etc.

Anyway — they might not need a lot of quilts at one time, but they do need quilts as they have new families come in.

There is a problem that they do not have storage space for donations that aren’t currently needed, so it is not something where you could give a lot at once.  
 

But I think there are probably a few organizations in town that would take them all but split between organizations.

Or an organization that would take them all at once!

This specific place doesn’t have a place to store donations, that is just the situation.  
 

But at the same time they do need quilts!  

[Lecka]

Personally I have made two really big moves since my youngest kids were 7, and culled mercilessly for both moves.  I have made some painful good-byes to items not worth moving, that I would not have gone through without moving. 
 

But last year I helped to clean out my Dad and Step-Mom’s house after my Step-Mom had passed away and my Dad needed to move to assisted living.

 

It was horrible!  We truly did not have storage or a place for a million beautiful, special items.  One of my sisters took a lot, and it spent several months crammed in her house. She and her husband have gone through and their house looks nice now and most things are out of their garage.  Another sister lives across the country and couldn’t take anything 😞. I took a few things but most things I just could not take.

 

Anyway — it was horrible!!!!! I hate that we could not keep so many things!  It’s also okay because I know we just could not keep so many things.  But it’s not a nice thing.

 

But I already look around my current home (that we plan to be in for 20+ years) and think about how I can re-purpose rooms, once my kids move out and are settled/established, with special things from my Mom’s house.  My Mom’s house will be even harder, she has a larger home than we do, and she has a lot of sentimental items from many relatives.

 

She also rented a huge amount of storage space for YEARS when my grandparents died, because there was so much hand-made furniture and crafts.

 

She went through that a few years ago and let go of things there was just no room for, after it became clear there just was not space, and it’s not very special to have things in a storage space. 
 

But I am afraid that between me, my sisters, and our kids, there is not going to be enough space for everything and it makes me feel really sad, because I have already had that with my step-mom.

 

We also sorted out some family items appropriate for my step-mom’s family to take, because she had items from her own parents that would be precious to them.  
 

But that still left so many things 😞. 

[HS Mom in NC]

@MEmama
My quilter's guild sews for Habitat for Humanity,  Quilts of Valor, and the VA for military personnel. They also did quilts for preemies in NICU, so try that too.  If I remember correctly NICUs and the VA have size limits for quilts.

[MEmama]

26 minutes ago, Lecka said:

Personally I have made two really big moves since my youngest kids were 7, and culled mercilessly for both moves.  I have made some painful good-byes to items not worth moving, that I would not have gone through without moving. 
 

But last year I helped to clean out my Dad and Step-Mom’s house after my Step-Mom had passed away and my Dad needed to move to assisted living.

 

It was horrible!  We truly did not have storage or a place for a million beautiful, special items.  One of my sisters took a lot, and it spent several months crammed in her house. She and her husband have gone through and their house looks nice now and most things are out of their garage.  Another sister lives across the country and couldn’t take anything 😞. I took a few things but most things I just could not take.

 

Anyway — it was horrible!!!!! I hate that we could not keep so many things!  It’s also okay because I know we just could not keep so many things.  But it’s not a nice thing.

 

But I already look around my current home (that we plan to be in for 20+ years) and think about how I can re-purpose rooms, once my kids move out and are settled/established, with special things from my Mom’s house.  My Mom’s house will be even harder, she has a larger home than we do, and she has a lot of sentimental items from many relatives.

 

She also rented a huge amount of storage space for YEARS when my grandparents died, because there was so much hand-made furniture and crafts.

 

She went through that a few years ago and let go of things there was just no room for, after it became clear there just was not space, and it’s not very special to have things in a storage space. 
 

But I am afraid that between me, my sisters, and our kids, there is not going to be enough space for everything and it makes me feel really sad, because I have already had that with my step-mom.

 

We also sorted out some family items appropriate for my step-mom’s family to take, because she had items from her own parents that would be precious to them.  
 

But that still left so many things 😞. 

One thing that helps me release the guilt of decluttering sentimental items is realizing how useful they can be for someone else. That armoire or set of dishes that is clutter in your house might make a really huge difference to someone else. 
 

I actually have a difficult time holding onto things “just in case”, knowing there is are people in the community who could really use it. I’m not sentimental by nature but there are people in my life who are, and who pile on the guilt for wanting to pass things along. 

[Lecka]

I feel like I have — maybe guilt? — about things I don’t actually want but also don’t want to be given away outside of relatives.  
 

 

[Selkie]

1 hour ago, MEmama said:

One thing that helps me release the guilt of decluttering sentimental items is realizing how useful they can be for someone else. That armoire or set of dishes that is clutter in your house might make a really huge difference to someone else. 
 

I actually have a difficult time holding onto things “just in case”, knowing there is are people in the community who could really use it. I’m not sentimental by nature but there are people in my life who are, and who pile on the guilt for wanting to pass things along. 

This is how I look at it, too. Why hold on to something I'm not using when someone else could benefit from having it?

Dh and I are both very unsentimental about material items. We've gotten rid of so much of our stuff already, and we are writing in our will that our kids should feel free to get rid of anything that is left without any guilt.

[regentrude]

3 hours ago, Lecka said:

It was horrible!  We truly did not have storage or a place for a million beautiful, special items. 
...
Anyway — it was horrible!!!!! I hate that we could not keep so many things!  It’s also okay because I know we just could not keep so many things.  But it’s not a nice thing....

...she has a lot of sentimental items from many relatives.

But I am afraid that between me, my sisters, and our kids, there is not going to be enough space for everything and it makes me feel really sad, because I have already had that with my step-mom.

As an immigrant, I had to shed the sentimental feelings over items because I know I will not be able to keep anything except for some small tokens. My parents have a beautiful house, historic furniture, lots of artwork. I have fond memories of growing up there and will miss the house and its contents. But I will not be able to bring those things here (not to mention that a baroque armoire  wouldn't even fit under my low ceilings and be completely out of place in a 1990s wooden Cape Cod house).

I had to adopt the view that stuff is just stuff, and that memories do not reside in the stuff but in my brain. That, in turn., fortifies me against accumulating possessions myself. I dread having to deal with my parents' house, and that has me resolved that I will not inflict accumulated possessions, sentimental or otherwise, on my children. 

We still acquire things to pursue our hobbies; this year we added kayaks and gear. But I have gotten rid of almost all childrens' things, all the homeschooling stuff, and I constantly evaluate whether I want to bring another item into my home.

 

 

 

Edited November 29, 2021 by regentrude

[JennyD]

OP, I am so sorry to hear about your health difficulties.

Two years ago my parents got rid of almost all their stuff, sold their house, and moved halfway across the country to live near us in a small condo that we bought for them.  It was such a gift.  Whenever I get irritated with my parents (which is way too often) I remember that they did this huge thing specifically to make it massively easier for me to look after them and eventually deal with their estate.  And I tell them how much I appreciate it! 

[Lecka]

I just moved back to my hometown to be closer to family members, about 18 months ago.

It was right after we were settled that we went through my dad and step-mom’s house.  

I am wondering if I am going to feel less sentimental as I am here longer, because things will get to be more just items?

I don’t know.

It is different for me now because I am here and it’s true there were things where I was just not on hand when I wasn’t living here.  
 

But I will be physically able to do anything I want now that I’m here.

However things are still just items and my husband and I are both sensitive to visual clutter and just can’t have obviously superfluous things, and I have already had an experience of a storage area being really sad.  Cramming things in a storage area is just not special, if the truth is they will never be used by a family member.  It’s totally true maybe someone else would want them.  

[HS Mom in NC]

I do think it's worth it to spend some time looking as display options and alternate uses of sentimental items. Options can include:  making/paying some to make fabric items into a quilt, framing and hanging things in display cases, using the "good stuff" like china as every day stuff and accepting the realities of wear and tear, digitally photographing items and having them printed in a book (like Shutterfly) with a caption explaining the memory, or whatever fits the finances, motivation, energy levels, and budget.  Doing it before a crisis hits or time is too limited is the key.

[WildflowerMom]

3 minutes ago, HS Mom in NC said:

I do think it's worth it to spend some time looking as display options and alternate uses of sentimental items. Options can include:  making/paying some to make fabric items into a quilt, framing and hanging things in display cases, using the "good stuff" like china as every day stuff and accepting the realities of wear and tear, digitally photographing items and having them printed in a book (like Shutterfly) with a caption explaining the memory, or whatever fits the finances, motivation, energy levels, and budget.  Doing it before a crisis hits or time is too limited is the key.

Another option is shadow boxes.  I have a shadow box with ds’ take-home outfit, blankie, a cat board book he loved and tore the tail off of, and a hat that he (and my dad) wore for a baby photo.  Another one I have is a square of a quilt my great grandmother made.   

[Lecka]

These are good points.

With my Dad and Step-mom’s house, he refused to go to assisted living and then when he agreed to go the house needed to go on the market immediately.

We were very rushed.

I think we are likely not to have this time pressure with my Mom.  
 

I am also more familiar with her house.  My Dad and Step-mom had moved about ten years ago, and I was not familiar with their storage or where they were keeping special items, which made it harder.

[Lecka]

Slightly complicating, maybe, my family lived with my mom and step-dad for about 6 weeks about 18 months ago.  My mom said I could clean out 2 closets so that we could store our own things.  
 

I didn’t do it thoroughly, but enough that I could have closet space for my family of 5 for 6 weeks.  
 

Then my sister who is 50 years old and hadn’t lived in this state for 30 years got mad at me because she still wanted some of her stuff from those closets, that I had no idea was even hers and my Mom didn’t know either.  To include a glass front record player case, taking up most of a closet!  That my sister said she wanted someday!  
 

This sister also owns a 3-stall garage on her property that is full of stuff.  
 

But did she rent a trailer and move stuff when we cleared out my Dad’s house?  No.

 

Did she move her stuff out of my mom’s house within 30 years of leaving home?  No.

 

Fortunately we get along well, lol.  I know it doesn’t sound like it from this, but it’s more on a “pet peeve” level.  
 

I think she also “wishes” she could transport and store things, but she knows it’s not practical.  

[HS Mom in NC]

13 minutes ago, Lecka said:

To include a glass front record player case, taking up most of a closet!  That my sister said she wanted someday! 

People need to stop enabling this kind of thinking and behavior.  She doesn't actually own it, so doesn't have final say about it being kept, given, or disposed of. When cleaning something out (like my shed and garage right now) I tell people in my life, "I'm clearing these things out.  [Sends pic or physically takes the person to the stuff.] If you want any of it, you have until _________ to get  and put it somewhere that isn't our shared communal space or someone else's individual space and doesn't interfere with my regular cleaning/maintenance. Then I'm selling/donating/throwing it away." If they can't do it in that time or a reasonable negotiated time (like within a couple of weeks if they live somewhere else and have to arrange transport) then it's too bad for them. Life will go on without possessing the item and I'm not going to waste any psychological energy about them not being able to possess it. They can have a good cry and move on. It's.just.stuff.

[Tree Frog]

Those of you who are cleaning out and disposing items, please ask your children if they would like anything. My mom disposed of most of her furniture before she downsized. I had no idea she was doing so until everything was gone and would have loved to have some of the antique furniture I grew up with. I mentioned my desire to have selected some pieces, so when she moved the next time, she offered up what she was getting rid of. I appreciated the thought, but those pieces were new to the place she lived in for a few months and I had no interest in them. It was the furniture I'd grown up with I would've like to have.