Vomit/stomach issues spin off

[hippymamato3]

So, Scarlett said she didn't let her husband help her in the bathroom when she was sick after 2 weeks of marriage. I said I wouldn't let DH now, after 17 years of marriage. Where does everyone else stand on these things? How private are you about poop? I came from a family where bodily functions were pretty shameful, and while I have done better with my kids, I am still insanely private about myself. Is this normal? 

[Katy]

I have tried to be private about poop but every single one of them invades the bathroom every time I go and I have to tell them, including DH, to GTHO to wipe.  It’s infuriating. Oh and DS4 has now broken TWO doorknobs jiggling them to break through a bathroom lock. I’ve thought about adding an exterior deadbolt. 
 

ETA: I don’t see this as shameful in any way.  But I don’t linger and I don’t understand why I can never have even two minutes alone.

Edited August 24, 2021 by Katy

[Jean in Newcastle]

My dh is an RN.  I have no problem asking him to help with intimate needs.  Having said that though, I have never had to.  I mean, I might have needed to ask him to run an extra load of laundry or to mop (though even that's been rare).  But I've never needed anyone to physically help me clean my body.  I do have chronic pain and have been very ill at times but I've always managed to do actual self care even if it took a lot out of me (energy wise) to do it.  I have needed help at times in the past putting on socks but that's not gross. 

[Ausmumof3]

No way! That door is locked!  

[Wheres Toto]

Well, on our honeymoon, which was a few months after the wedding, I was 12 weeks pregnant and we went out on a deep-fishing boat.  Bad idea.  I spent some time puking over the side AND thanks to pregnancy bladder, also peed my pants.  So, dh helped me while I was puking, then gave me his sweatpants that he was wearing over his swimsuit so I could change out of mine.  

I think he also helped at least once when I was pregnant with dd, we were in a car accident and I broke my wrist pretty badly and the pain meds made me nauseous (I no longer take narcotics no matter what, they always make me puke).   

Dh actually stepped up pretty well with this kind of thing for me and the kids.  Before that he was the type that would have to leave the vicinity because even the sound of someone puking would make him sick.    Ds used to get car sick a lot and that pretty much cured dh of any problems dealing with it. 

It's not super unusual for someone to need to use the bathroom when someone else is in the shower (one bathroom house), but I don't think I've ever pooped while dh was in the shower.  A quick pee is the most that happens generally.

[City Mouse]

I guess if I needed his help I would let him as opposed to the alternative. After my shoulder surgery back in December I needed some help, but I did as much as I could on my own and only called him for the things I absolutely could not do on my own. 
Due to limited number of toilets, ther have been times when someone has to use the toilet while another person is in the shower. I did get a non-see through shower curtain just for that reason.

[Clarita]

I pooped while giving birth to my son and my husband was in the room. So, I guess I lived through that embarrassment. Under normal circumstances I do my potty business alone. If there's extenuating circumstances I'm OK with asking my husband for help or helping my husband. 

[wendyroo]

I have very needy, special needs kids with high supervision requirements - I have no privacy.

DH and I normally offer each other privacy as a courtesy, but we are not shy and don't mind popping in on each other if necessary. Either of us would ask for or provide help in private matters if needed.

[kbutton]

Just now, wendyroo said:

DH and I normally offer each other privacy as a courtesy, but we are not shy and don't mind popping in on each other if necessary. Either of us would ask for or provide help in private matters if needed.

We're this way too.

 

[Loowit]

I desire privacy.  I don't allow my kids, DH, or the dog in the bathroom with me.  I am glad my children were cooperative with this.  I did have to ask DH once for help, but it is a bleeding situation.  Heavy bleeding and horrible cramps.  The bathroom looked like a crime scene.  I was in so much pain I just couldn't handle cleaning it up.  So he ran me a hot bath and took care of it.

[Scarlett]

3 hours ago, hippymamato3 said:

So, Scarlett said she didn't let her husband help her in the bathroom when she was sick after 2 weeks of marriage. I said I wouldn't let DH now, after 17 years of marriage. Where does everyone else stand on these things? How private are you about poop? I came from a family where bodily functions were pretty shameful, and while I have done better with my kids, I am still insanely private about myself. Is this normal? 

11 years in and I still would not let him in if I made such a mess again!  And I am not even very modest or private. Just something that gross is just too much though.  

[Scarlett]

We both pee in front of each other.  And I would let him help me if I needed it…….he definitely would step up to do anything.  

[KungFuPanda]

Dh would be fine giving me any level of assistance. If he lived alone he’d never close a bathroom door. Sometimes he leaves them open and is all nonchalant when I call him on it. “I thought you were downstairs.” What?!?

I deeply prefer to maintain this last piece of privacy. He can go ANOTHER 30 years without seeing me pee as far as I’m concerned. I’m pretty open in every other way, but toilet stuff and sick stuff are a hard no for me. I’m mortified that he had to clean up a projectile vomiting incident the day before I was admitted to the hospital for a kidney infection. 

[fraidycat]

Up to this point, I haven't ever required help. But, if need be, I'd allow it. My DH watched me give birth and poop while doing so, so... 🤷🏻‍♀️
Bathroom door gets closed, but not locked in case someone needs in to get something, so we're not super private about pooping. I do usually lock the door during shark week, just because I assume nobody wants to accidentally see me dealing with that horror show.

[hippymamato3]

Just to clarify, my DH is not squeamish and is incredibly supportive. He'd do anything I need. Anything. But I can't allow that kind of intimacy. Is that intimacy? I suppose if I was completely desperate. But otherwise...ugh. No. 

[PeterPan]

1 hour ago, hippymamato3 said:

But I can't allow that kind of intimacy. Is that intimacy?

Unless there was some kind of trauma involved in your discomfort, I would chalk up your feelings as normal. I certainly don't think there's any ATTRACTION or interest or pleasure or joy in bathroom things. Presence would be merely pragmatic, ie. you need assistance and someone is providing it. If assistance is not needed, then whatever you want is what you want.

Personally, I think the SMELL ought to be as good a reason as any to give a person privacy, mercy. Me, if I walk in and dh is doing his business (that smells), I leave! So yes, if you want to shut the door and lock it, do so. Maybe G*d himself was telling people to stay out by making it smell.

Edited August 25, 2021 by PeterPan

[Jean in Newcastle]

Unless someone were disabled, or very young or old, I think that most people are able to take care of their bodily needs even while sick.  And there are supports to help those who cannot take care of those needs.  Grab bars etc. to make getting on and off the toilet easier.  Even lifts to assist.  Bidet type systems.  Wet wipes etc.  Even occupational therapy to help the person be more able to take care of themselves.  My personal feeling is not one of embarrassment.  It's more a matter of independence for as long as possible.  (Said as someone who is working very hard to be as independent as possible while fighting some degree of functional disability.) 

Sometimes accidents happen especially when sick.  As others have said in the other thread, I like to do what I can to minimize cleanup by preparing ahead if possible. 

[BlsdMama]

I bought a bidet. I am horrified the time is coming. To me, this is ultimate humiliation. I hate the idea. 

[Danae]

If help is needed I can offer or accept in a matter-of-fact manner.

If it is not needed, no, I want privacy.  

[Tap]

No, my xh would not have been involved in clean up of me or a bathroom. If I made a mess in the bathroom and couldn't clean it, he would have expected me to clean it at that time, or he would shut the door for me to clean later.  He barely tolerated cleaning baby diapers, once the kids were past toddler age, he refused to bathe them as well. 

We were together about 5 years when I gave birth to our son. After giving birth and being in the hospital for a few days (c-section) I needed to stop at the store and get hygiene supplies on the way home. When I went to the bathroom on the way out of the store, I discovered I had significant blood all over my sweatpants (inside and out). I cleaned my self the best I could in a public bathroom and pretty much ran to the car. I asked him why he didn't tell me so I could have gone to the bathroom sooner....he just shrugged his shoulders. ☹️He was a very private person, and I was raised in a house with significant modesty rules, so that is pretty much where my marriage stayed for 30 years. 

DD and her husband swing to the opposite end of the spectrum. Even as teenagers, they would go to the bathroom together. One of the first times I thought they would get married, was when he came to my house to hang out with her.....during her colonoscopy prep. 🤣That is true love between 18/19yos HAHA!!  She was already sick when they met, so he had no illusions that she needed assistance. He just fell into step and they never looked back. (He has IBS issues, so bathroom issues aren't  all her 🙂 )

[Kassia]

I have emetophobia so DH has always handled all the vomit in the house - the kids, me, and him.  I definitely don't want to vomit in front of him, but it has happened and it doesn't really bother me because the vomiting itself is so traumatic for me.  BM is private, which is pretty impressive considering I've had two colon resections and 5 bowel preps in a short period of time along with years of bowel obstructions.  

 

 

[Terabith]

One of the most humiliating moments of my life was about two years into marriage when I suddenly got very ill with a stomach bug and while bending over the toilet to vomit, I had diarrhea that I did not expect that got all over me, the bath mat, and possibly the wall.  I was feverish and incoherent and horribly humiliated.  I attempted to clean but was so weak I about passed out.  My husband helped me back to bed and cleaned both me and the bathroom.  I would much rather have managed myself but I simply could not at the moment.  It was possibly the most sacrificial love I have ever experienced, at least as an adult.  (I am sure my parents cleaned me as a baby.)  He never made me feel bad about it either.   
 

He has helped numerous times with kid accidents or vomiting, and he’s helped clean up when I have vomited in the car while pregnant and he’s emptied vomit buckets for me.  None is pleasant, and I always wish I didn’t need help but there have been times I would have had to wait to clean up mess later if I hadn’t had help.  

Edited August 26, 2021 by Terabith

[Drama Llama]

3 minutes ago, Terabith said:

One of the most humiliating moments of my life was about two years into marriage when I suddenly got very ill with a stomach bug and while bending over the toilet to vomit, I had diarrhea that I did not expect that got all over me, the bath mat, and possibly the wall.  I was feverish and incoherent and horribly humiliated.  I attempted to clean but was so weak I about passed out.  My husband helped me back to bed and cleaned both me and the bathroom.  I would much rather have managed myself but I simply could not at the moment.  It was possibly the most sacrificial love I have ever experienced, at least as an adult.  (I am sure my parents cleaned me as a baby.)  He never made me feel bad about it either.   

Not sure whether to react with “sad face” or “love”.  Your DH is a good guy.

[Terabith]

2 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

Not sure whether to react with “sad face” or “love”.  Your DH is a good guy.

He is absolutely the best.  

[stephanier.1765]

In February, something, I don't know exactly what caused me to be able to barely move without excruciating pain. For a few days, DH had to both lower and pull up my pants for me to go to the bathroom. I hated that when it was right after a poop and the air was less than fresh. I was barely able to wipe. It was a lot of pain to do so but I couldn't bring myself to ask him for that kind of help. I hope never to need that kind of help but I'm not sure life will play out like that for me.

[marbel]

I am very private in the bathroom.  If I needed help, I would get help. Certainly I would give help! But in general, I like my privacy and prefer to give others privacy. 

I was actually thinking about this topic recently; a facebook friend posted something about married couples not needing privacy, and gave the specific example of not needing to be alone/door closed while using the toilet. It was like, wanting such privacy from one's spouse was in fact wrong, possibly even sinful. 

I don't think there is anything shameful in not wanting to share certain bodily functions. Yes, we all know humans have to eliminate waste, and with that can come odors, unpleasant sounds, etc., It doesn't mean we all want to share those things with the people we live with, to the extent that we can control it. 

Edited August 26, 2021 by marbel