"Oh, I could never do that!" Rude or no?

[Lisa R.]

Have you ever received this response? I used to hear this throughout my fifteen-year homeschooling journey. When people would ask where my children went to school, and I told them, I would often receive this response. I found it odd because I always felt my choice was not a reflection on them and vice versa. Oftentimes there was a small amount of negativity in their voice as they considered how much they would dislike to homeschool their children. While it was not meant rudely, I felt it was somewhat rude as it sometimes felt that they found my choice disdainful. 

 Without going into much detail, I am working at a rewarding job but it is with a difficult population. If you told someone you worked at a certain job that could be considered challenging, would you consider this response rude? Particularly if they shuddered and shook their heads?

[Penelope]

Yes. I’ve just assumed they didn’t realize what an awkward thing it is to say. 

[whitestavern]

If I had a nickel for every time I heard that, I'd be rich, lol. But I never took it as rude. Just honest I guess. Or kind of complimentary, like wow, I'm doing something a lot of people could never envision themselves doing!

[egao_gakari]

I've also experienced that response related to homeschooling, just a couple of times though. And usually it's like "Oh I could never do that, you must have the patience of a saint! I'm delighted every morning when I send mine off to school." I interpret that as a clumsy compliment. Just thinking about the first time I was introduced to my friend who works with homeless people, I think I may have said something like that, but not intended to be insulting to homeless people - just that it must be really emotionally taxing and I know social workers tend not to get paid well. (I probably wouldn't say such a thing these days, as I'd like to think my EQ has risen slightly since then.) But the shuddering and shaking of the head certainly puts a different spin on it - I think I would consider it rude if they did that, because it would be insulting to the population you work with, not a compliment to your dedication.

[bolt.]

If it's self-deprecating, I don't find it offensive at all. It can be meant as a compliment. Examples: "I'm a social worker for at-risk youth on the street." -- "Oh! I could never do that!" // "I'm a professional mathematician working on theories of comparable infinities." -- "Oh, I could never do that!"

If it's an implication that the job is boring, pointless, or disgusting... yeah, that's rude. Examples: "I work in quality control for the city dump." -- "Ew! I could never do that!"

With homeschooling (and other childcare jobs) it's hard to know what people mean. Do they think of educating children as a challenge that is admirable, but beyond them? Or do they think it's pointless boring drudgery? I guess it depends on how they have experienced children in their lives. You can't always tell people's intent by this type of comment alone.

[prairiewindmomma]

Um, are we talking  I would never rape/murder/maim a person? I can say that with a fair bit of confidence.

I would never have a second cookie? Nope, can’t say that because that’s dismissing a likely possibility.

When people dismiss what I do, that feels personal. I don’t know that we should interpret it that way. 
 

I did clinicals in law school with some Challenging client demographics. I still firmly believe that everyone should have adequate legal defense. When people said stupid stuff about who my clients were, I would say something affirming about the work I do, and its importance.

Some rudeness is just social awkwardness.

[Melissa Louise]

Heard it a zillion times. Heard it yesterday. It's true - not everyone is suited to what I do. Plenty of people do shudder ( at the thought of dealing with children all day). It's odd - I'd never say it - but I don't think it's personal. I just think the speaker hasn't learned a better way to reframe the response. 

[catz]

I used to think this was rude.  But now that I am older I realize a lot of people are just talking off the cuff from their very small corner of the world and aren't really thinking about it from the other perspective.  Which as someone who is probably overly empathetic took me a while to wrap my brain around.   Like I personally would never say something like this.  I might ask questions like "what led you down this path?  Sounds challenging, do you enjoy it?". 

When it came to homeschooling and educational choices for young kids, I think many parents just so badly want to be making the right choice for their own child and own family they cannot think outside their choice until they make a decision they need to make a change.  I always felt like homeschooling was the right choice for our family for various reasons and it was always a year to year proposition.  When I decided to homeschool, I also decided parenting and childhood wasn't a competitive sport for me and I wouldn't engage.  At least where I live, it seems like a lot of parents are invested in that as a game.  

[regentrude]

I hear that all the time when somebody hears what my job is (I'm a physics professor). Doesn't bother me. And definitely not rude. It's usually meant as some form of compliment. I also heard it with respect to homeschooling or rock climbing. 
Maybe they really couldn't, Maybe they could but can't imagine that they could. Whatever.

Edited June 4, 2021 by regentrude

[egao_gakari]

11 minutes ago, FuzzyCatz said:

a lot of people are just talking off the cuff from their very small corner of the world and aren't really thinking about it from the other perspective.  Which as someone who is probably overly empathetic took me a while to wrap my brain around.   Like I personally would never say something like this.  I might ask questions like "what led you down this path?  Sounds challenging, do you enjoy it?". 

This is such a great trait to have naturally! It took me years into young adulthood to discover that other people might be hurt by the way I phrased things, and to start learning to converse in a less self-centered way 🙂 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I do think that it can be rude when the implication is that what I am doing is undesirable.  I have been known to answer "no one is asking you to."  I soften it with a smile but I get fed up at times with their assumptions.

PS - I also get the "oh I don't have the patience" meme applied to both teaching special ed as well as to homeschooling.  My answer to that was often "I don't either". 

[Junie]

One summer when I was a college student I did 10-key data entry in a hospital.  One day the vice-president of the hospital came through our office giving a VIP tour.  He stopped by my desk and asked me what work I was doing.  I explained, and then he commented, "You couldn't pay me enough to do that." I immediately answered, "Can we switch salaries?".  He laughed and said, "Um, no."  I chose to take the exchange as a compliment.

[Pawz4me]

I think it can be rude, but mostly I think it's just kind of a rote conversational response. Sometimes it can be a bit of a compliment. And I've run into a small number of people who tend to use comments like that to turn a conversation back to themselves. A lot of people really, really like to talk about themselves. But mostly I think that type of response is just basic chit chat and most people don't mean anything offensive by it.

[Shoeless]

As a comment from some rando? No, not rude. Most strangers aren't actively trying to insult you. People are far more interested in themselves than what other people have going on. 

Now, I've heard that comment from a few snotty relatives, and yeah, they definitely mean it in a rude way. But, there's history there, so...

[Bootsie]

I would not consider it rude.  They are stating something about themselves and what they would or could do.  I would not see it as a statement of opinion about my choice to do something.  

[Ausmumof3]

I respond with something like “I’m sure if you had to do it you would do an amazing job, but it’s not for everyone and it sounds like you’re all really happy where you are”.   That way if the person is being self-deprecating I’m being reassuring and if they were meaning to be rude I’m not being rude back.  Usually the people who say it are talking about their relationship with their kids I find not academic abilities.

[fraidycat]

I say No, I take it as a compliment.

I heard it so many times over the years regarding being a military wife and homeschooling mom - neither of which are easy "jobs", so I gave people the benefit of the doubt that they were awkwardly complimenting my mad skillz. 😎 LOL

[Scarlett]

We don’t celebrate Christmas.  When ds was little he was once asked at a cash register about Christmas. He responded he doesn’t celebrate Christmas.  The very young cashier said, with a fair amount of disbelief, ‘oh I could NEVER do that…not celebrate Christmas’. I replied, ‘ well I am pretty sure you could if you believed celebrating Christmas was displeasing to God’.  
 

same feeling about the homeschooling issue.  Yes you could do it if you felt it was the very best choice for your kid. 

 

People just don’t think before they speak.  

[Ausmumof3]

31 minutes ago, Plum said:

I've said to teachers I could never do that! 20-30 kids at a time?! No thanks! Hopefully they took it as a complement. 

If I were a neurosurgeon, I'd probably hear the same thing. I wouldn't take offense. 

Yes I’ve said that to teachers!  I hope they didn’t find it offensive.

[Eos]

I consistently reply "I could never be a school mom" with a big smile.  And it's the truth!

[Dmmetler]

1 hour ago, Ausmumof3 said:

Yes I’ve said that to teachers!  I hope they didn’t find it offensive.

I have never found the “I could never do that” comments insulting. The ones that tell me that any bozo can teach, on the other hand....

[Lecka]

Well, this is an interesting question.

I have heard this only with regard to having a child with autism.  Frankly, I do think it is well-meaning while also thinking — it’s hard and maybe a specific person would not rise to the challenge.   I think — you know, *probably* people would, but who knows, it is pretty hard, I don’t believe that people automatically figure out hard things just because they ought to.

On the other hand, wrt homeschooling, I think it would be extremely hard to teach writing and that I don’t have any strengths in that direction.  I have 3 kids, 2 have some degree of learning disability with writing, and the other just seems like she figured it out on her own, though she benefits from feedback.  But I feel like writing is what would keep me from homeschooling, because I just don’t feel that I would be able to teach it.  I honestly feel it is over my head. I do feel like I do have one child who is a strong basically self-taught or self-picking-it-up writer, but still I feel so weak and unable in this area, and unable to provide useful feedback or guidance to my one naturally strong child, let alone my two who are not as easy in picking it up.

Of them — I heard some positive feedback about one this year from his language arts teacher, and the truth is I can’t see past some mechanics issues and so I think he needs some positive feedback I am maybe unable to provide.

And sure maybe I would have figured out to outsource and still provide this from homeschooling, but this is the area where the fact is I do feel a huge lack and a doubt that I could figure it out.  

Edited June 5, 2021 by Lecka

[Lecka]

With my one strong child in language arts, too, she has had so many interests that she has learned about from school because they have been things that have not interested or appealed to me at all, so I would never have exposed these things.  My response is “who would possibly be interested in that?” And it is things a child has turned out to be very interested in.  I just do not see this as a positive trait for myself or a sign of being able to look past what I like to what might interest another person (aka a child).  I think this is a bit of a known problem for me and something it would be hard for me to overcome to provide a more — well, experience not overly focused on just my own personal interests.  
 

And I just think this is a weak area for me making me ill-suited to some things. While — to other things I think I am very well suited.  
 

Anyway — yes, there are things I think I ought to have some self-knowledge that I would not be good at some things.  At other things — I do very well.  And I see myself to be good at some things where I see some other people just not do as well based on their own natural strengths.  Is it wrong to notice that or acknowledge that?  I don’t think it is.

Could it be rude or extremely dismissive depending on context?  Why yes, yes it could.  I think that is different from someone who has given it consideration and an honest accounting.  Implying — I don’t even want to do it and think you are stupid or pitiful to be in this situation — well, I do think it is probably offensive a lot of the time!  But I can feel free to dismiss someone, in turn, a lot of the time, thinking they just have never been in a situation to think about it realistically and practically. 

Edited June 5, 2021 by Lecka

[TravelingChris]

I have heard that and didn't think it was rude.  What was rude is, fior example, the woman who decided to interrogate me at a luncheon about my choice to homeschool the following year.  ANd it wasn't a pleasant interrogation and it ended with her deciding that I was smart enough to homeschool but her opinion hadn't changed.  I can't remember if it was a book club luncheon or a AF museum guides luncheon but either way, all the women there were smart enough to homeschooll.   

 

[katilac]

You just have to hope they word it, "I could never homeschool my kids!" so you can respond, "I could never homeschool your kids either!" lol 

Not a big deal. It perhaps veers from strict etiquette, but it's a super common thing to say about many professions, as some others have stated. My sister has a professional job that pays very well, and I've told her "I could never do that" more times than I can count, because it doesn't suit my personality. She said the same to me when I was homeschooling, because it didn't suit her personality. 

Assume the best until they prove you wrong. Shuddering can be about how difficult and anxiety-inducing they would find it; don't assume they're shuddering 'at' the difficult population you work with. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Here's why I personally find it rude at times.  It's one thing is I were to say to someone "Oh, you should try ______________".  And they say "Oh, I could never do ______________" as a response.  But if I am just telling you what I am doing, why would you assume that you should do the same thing?  Now 99% of the time I let it slide because it seems to be a cultural American thing (and not something I've found in the other cultures I am intimately familiar with) but as someone who was not raised within the American culture as such, I do find it a bit odd. 

[Shoeless]

nm.

Edited June 5, 2021 by MissLemon

[SKL]

It depends on the context.  I think that in the context in the OP, it is not rude.

I think it can be rude if it's basically a value judgment.  For example:  "I make my kids walk to school."  "I could never do that."

I don't think it's rude if it's a statement about the speaker's ability limitations.  There are lots of things I've done that others have said they couldn't / wouldn't do, and I am not offended.  Examples:  taking long flights, having 21 years of education, pulling all-nighters / working long or multiple shifts, running a 5K, being a nurse's aide, bringing preschoolers to professional conferences.

[El...]

Everyone thinks about themselves doing whatever they hear someone else does. I think it's some part of human nature. 

It's probably best not to take it personally. I say, with a big smile, "Oh, I just love it. Almost always." And then they laugh and go on with the conversation. That seems to shut down criticism, too.

[J-rap]

It would never occur to me to interpret it as rude.  I think it's kind of a not-too-deep reaction, but in a way that's meant to be a compliment.  Almost like:  "Wow, you do that?  I don't think I'd have the skills or patience to do it, but I admire people who do."   Well, maybe that's reading too much into it 😆, bit I really do think they're trying to be nice.

[Kassia]

I do think it depends on the context.  In most cases, I believe it's well-intentioned just as @J-rap described above.  But sometimes I think it could be a case where I've done something and someone else thinks it's too assertive or just somehow out of line and they use that to say they couldn't do that because they are way too nice or whatever.