Pass the Bean Dip phrase needed for awkward situations

[Ottakee]

On Christmas Eve I got blindsided again.  I took a friend to church with me and we were seated at a high top table in the back corner (she had never been so wanted to "hide").

Soon after we sat down an elderly gentleman came up to me and started talking.  I had to ask him his name as I couldn't remember him.  Ended up he was a close friend of Father in law (who passed away 7 years ago).  He then started asking questions about my ex-husband, the case, my divorce (that he saw coming....despite not seeing me or my ex for 7 years) ......and then went from there to slamming his wife's non Christian co-workers (as my friend who is not a Christian is sitting right there).  This went on for 10+ minutes.  We were sorta trapped though as we were seated at a back corner table.

Needless to say it was very awkward.   It kinda ruined the mood for both of us, maybe me more so than her as she said she felt really bad for me as she knows that Christmas Eve is one of my most favorite services of the year.   Honestly, I do think that he meant well, it was just not good timing (or presentation) at all.  It was just obvious that even nearly 3 years later, my ex-husband's legal case, our situation, etc. is still well known in the area and a topic of conversation.

My friend and I  talked about it last night as we walked.  She had a good point that we, as women, are sorta used to just sitting back and not standing up for ourselves and our feelings.   I then mentioned to her the "bean dip" idea.  So, I need a good bean dip phrase or two to have practiced so that when people start asking questions I don't want to answer or rambling about things that aren't fit for the situation.

What are some good phrases to use?   Something fairly nice and polite but also clear and firm.

I have a blog and I will gladly talk to people one on one who really care, when the time and setting is right.  I just don't want to do so in front of my friend (who knows the whole story) or my kids, or nosey people.  I just don't always want to talk about it.

[Carol in Cal.]

This is not the time or place to discuss this.
or
I don’t like to gossip about anyone, and especially family.  Let’s agree to pray for all during this holy season, and talk about something other than other people.

Then...

Did you see the town Christmas tree?  Isn’t it beautiful?

Christmas Eve is my favorite service all year.

When I was a kid we used to always have crab for Christmas Eve dinner, and I still try to do that.

[RootAnn]

I would not have thought of it at the time, but perhaps a, "Oh, it's [Christmas Eve/Saturday night/a blue moon/Wednesday afternoon/a sunny day/pick something], no one wants to dwell on that! <diverting question>How's your dog, Schmo?"

With a winning smile.

[Beth S]

I've recently realized that I re-direct conversations all the time, esp. if they're boring.

Another easy shift is to talk about the weather, or the local sports team,or ask them about their hobby/recent project, etc.

Since your friend was next to you, it was doubly rude.
 

Edited December 30, 2020 by Beth S

[Tanaqui]

"My friend and I were having a private conversation. Please excuse us, and have a merry Christmas!"

[Not_a_Number]

Lol, I'd make an excuse. "I'm really sorry, I need to go to the bathroom/check my e-mail/go say hi to a friend." 

[Ottakee]

45 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

This is not the time or place to discuss this.
or
I don’t like to gossip about anyone, and especially family.  Let’s agree to pray for all during this holy season, and talk about something other than other people.

Then...

Did you see the town Christmas tree?  Isn’t it beautiful?

Christmas Eve is my favorite service all year.

When I was a kid we used to always have crab for Christmas Eve dinner, and I still try to do that.

Short and simple and redirect     I was just a little stunned .....and likely too polite to interrupt.

[PinkTulip]

“That’s not something I really talk about. But tell me about you - how is your family doing?”

If you say the second sentence fast enough after the first, without a pause, it gets the message across and changes the subject. 
 

Sorry you had to deal with this on an otherwise peaceful and joyful occasion. 

[Ottakee]

43 minutes ago, RootAnn said:

I would not have thought of it at the time, but perhaps a, "Oh, it's [Christmas Eve/Saturday night/a blue moon/Wednesday afternoon/a sunny day/pick something], no one wants to dwell on that! <diverting question>How's your dog, Schmo?"

With a winning smile.

See I can't think of anything like that in the moment.   I wish I would have 

[Ottakee]

37 minutes ago, Beth S said:

Since your friend was next to you, it was doubly rude.
 

That is what bothered me the most.  She was my guest and that isn't conversation fit for others.....even though she knows more of the story than most anyone else.

When I apologized to her, she said she felt bad for me and felt like she should have stepped in and said something too     we are both learning to stand up for ourselves.

[Carol in Cal.]

2 minutes ago, Ottakee said:

Short and simple and redirect     I was just a little stunned .....and likely too polite to interrupt.

I would have been stunned, too.  That was really quite appalling of him.

[Ottakee]

19 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

"My friend and I were having a private conversation. Please excuse us, and have a merry Christmas!"

That would have worked ...if I had thought of it.   I just hadn't seen him in 7 years and he had to tell me his name.

[Ottakee]

17 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

Lol, I'd make an excuse. "I'm really sorry, I need to go to the bathroom/check my e-mail/go say hi to a friend." 

If we weren't stuck at a table I would have.   It did cross my mind but I didn't want to leave my friend/guest hanging either 

[Ottakee]

3 minutes ago, PinkTulip said:

“That’s not something I really talk about. But tell me about you - how is your family doing?”

If you say the second sentence fast enough after the first, without a pause, it gets the message across and changes the subject. 
 

Sorry you had to deal with this on an otherwise peaceful and joyful occasion. 

That is good .....shut down and redirect.

[Ottakee]

2 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

I would have been stunned, too.  That was really quite appalling of him.

I honestly think he was trying to be supportive....it just came out all wrong and in the wrong place/time.

I was stunned.

[Shoeless]

"Oh, Mr. so-and-so! It's Christmas! Let's talk about something more joyful!"

When my uncle drones in about unpleasant topics, I say "Uncle, we see each other so rarely! Let's talk about something happy instead!"

[Ottakee]

12 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

"Oh, Mr. so-and-so! It's Christmas! Let's talk about something more joyful!"

When my uncle drones in about unpleasant topics, I say "Uncle, we see each other so rarely! Let's talk about something happy instead!"

Another great line I needed LAST week 🙂

[MercyA]

I'm so sorry that happened to you, Ottakee.

I'm horrible at thinking of the right thing to say in the moment--I need to memorize some of these great ideas! 

[EKS]

2 hours ago, Ottakee said:

He then started asking questions about my ex-husband, the case, my divorce (that he saw coming....despite not seeing me or my ex for 7 years)...

How about: I'm just glad to have moved on!  What sort of winter do you think we're in for this year?

Edited December 30, 2020 by EKS

[OH_Homeschooler]

I think if someone were to ask questions about your ex or his family you could say "I really don't know. I just don't keep up with that anymore." They think you're boring and give up trying to get information. 

[Ditto]

58 minutes ago, Ottakee said:

See I can't think of anything like that in the moment.   I wish I would have 

I am sorry you had to deal with such rotten behavior and that what should have been a lovely evening was ruined.  I can't think fast in the moment either.  It is a talent and one I wish I possessed.

[Shoeless]

42 minutes ago, Ottakee said:

Another great line I needed LAST week 🙂

For next time, then. 🙂 And you know there will always be a next time with some folks. 😉

[Tanaqui]

2 hours ago, Ottakee said:

That would have worked ...if I had thought of it.   I just hadn't seen him in 7 years and he had to tell me his name.

Take notes, and start practicing in front of a mirror. When you think you have a few lines memorized, have somebody rehearse them with you - they say something rude, you shut them down or distract them.

One more note: In some groups - or if the behavior is just egregiously bad - it's okay to be very obvious. As in...

Rudey McRudeface: Blah blah blah, have you gained weight?

You: *dead silence for just too long*

You: Wow. Rude.

or

Pushy Pusherperson: So, let me tell you all the mean dirt on these people.

You: Why are you telling me this? It seems awfully personal. Anyway, this year I've decided to take a stand against gossip - it's really sinful, you know. (If you're not speaking to your coreligionist, don't say the "sinful" part, say it's mean.)

or

Butty Buttinsky: So, how much do you make now that you've dumped that good-for-nothing lout?

You: My goodness, that's a very intrusive question! I don't know why you'd ask something so personal! Speaking of changing the subject, I gotta go over there and do a thing.

[Ottakee]

2 hours ago, MercyA said:

I'm so sorry that happened to you, Ottakee.

I'm horrible at thinking of the right thing to say in the moment--I need to memorize some of these great ideas! 

Thank you.  I am not good at this middle of the moment stuff.

[Ottakee]

1 hour ago, OH_Homeschooler said:

I think if someone were to ask questions about your ex or his family you could say "I really don't know. I just don't keep up with that anymore." They think you're boring and give up trying to get information. 

Except it is pretty clear I do as I handled FIL funeral and then helped care for MIL during her cancer and handled her funeral.   Ex husband's only sibling was murdered in 1993 (only murder in our county for several years and high profile so everyone knows that too)....so basically I am what is left of the family.

[Farrar]

I'm also sorry that happened. It really is unfortunate that some people are so... thoughtlessly awkward.

I honestly think the bean dip works best when you *can* think on your feet and redirect with something fitting the moment - whether that's the weather, the holiday, a pet, a child, the food, the church service, etc. But sometimes when you're not the sort of person who can seamlessly do that or when the situation is just so unusual or shocking, it won't feel very genuine or natural. Also, sometimes people are not good at hints. Like, I can't imagine that someone barreling into this particular topic could have been anything but oblivious. I think direct is actually better. Like, "I'm sorry, that's just not something I discuss." Similar to some of the suggestions above.

[mathnerd]

If you want to redirect a person who is intent on saying their piece, you have to talk all over them and you also can not be sensitive to hurt feelings or making the conversation awkward. If you are cutting off a determined person, then, they will know, they will have to acknowledge that you are refusing to engage and if they are not nice, they will not be happy with you about it. 

I take so much of that crap from my in-laws because I always think that I don't HAVE to listen after they leave and I just have to hold my tongue and let the moment pass. So, now it is well established that they can ramble on about rude or gossipy or racist stuff for whatever length of time and I am a doormat who just provides them with a passive audience. So, a couple of years ago, I started speaking up and here are some of the strategies that I use: If I needed to know about Mr. XYZ, I will be certain to ask you but right now I am not interested. I need to go to the bathroom. I need to make a snack for my son. I need to go in to work for a few hours (and leave the house). I love to cook pumpkin, eggplants, tomatoes all the time. I stew them, stir fry them, bake them, make sauces from them etc. How often did you cook these vegetables for your children? Do you go to the local farmer's markets? Do you have any favorite recipes? blah... blah... blah... 

Next time, if this happens to you at church, a good strategy would be to interrupt and say: "This is my friend Annie. She has never been to church and she is here today and is having a good time. Did you know that she is a really great painter (or chef or car mechanic or whatever she is good at)? Last time I went to her house, she showed me this fabulous little painting she had made of this vase of flowers and it was so realistic that I could almost smell the flowers ... blah blah blah blah". The strategy is to talk about the most inane thing that throws the conversation off-kilter.

[lauraw4321]

I’d probably do something like “Oh... [hand waving gestures] I don’t really want to talk about that right now. But how are YOU doing?”  I’d have a big smile on my face so to smooth it over a bit. 

[Harriet Vane]

2 hours ago, Farrar said:

I'm also sorry that happened. It really is unfortunate that some people are so... thoughtlessly awkward.

I honestly think the bean dip works best when you *can* think on your feet and redirect with something fitting the moment - whether that's the weather, the holiday, a pet, a child, the food, the church service, etc. But sometimes when you're not the sort of person who can seamlessly do that or when the situation is just so unusual or shocking, it won't feel very genuine or natural. Also, sometimes people are not good at hints. Like, I can't imagine that someone barreling into this particular topic could have been anything but oblivious. I think direct is actually better. Like, "I'm sorry, that's just not something I discuss." Similar to some of the suggestions above.

I agree. Another, similar option: "It was a painful time, and I'd rather not discuss it."

[HS Mom in NC]

In a pleasant, matter-of-fact tone, say"I don't discuss his case." Then ask him about himself, make whatever usual chit chat you make with other people in that situation who don't bring up sensitive topics or end the conversation with the usual, "It was so nice to see you again!  Merry Christmas!" and then physically walk away- preferably in a direction where you can turn your back to him or at least make eye contact impossible.

When someone else is gossiping you can interrupt, "Oh!  That sounds like none of my business." in a pleasant tone. Then either change the subject by asking them about themselves (most people like to talk about themselves,) normal chit chat topics, or say "I really have to go now" with the urgent tone you would use if you were about to have a diarrhea accident or your toddler was about to put the hostess' kitten in the punch bowl.

[Rosie_0801]

I'd say "Good Heavens, Man! Why do I want to talk about that?"

Occam's razor: You don't!

[HS Mom in NC]

Another tactic is to go full Grampa Simpson on them by rambling about irrelevant details: 

 

[Katy]

7 hours ago, Ottakee said:

... we are both learning to stand up for ourselves.

You might be improving in standing up for yourself, but you're already excellent at standing up for your children, and for doing what you think is right even when it's personally difficult.  Don't be too hard on yourself because a nosy old man at church left you bewildered when you were least expecting it.

[Ellie]

5 hours ago, Tanaqui said:

Rudey McRudeface: Blah blah blah, have you gained weight?

You: *dead silence for just too long*

It's absolutely acceptable to be shocked when someone is rude, so staring at someone in dead silence, until the perpetrator realizes he has made a mistake,  is appropriate. Sometimes people don't get it, so after a long silence, you can start talking about something completely different.

[Ottakee]

Thanks for all of the ideas.   I want to mull over them and maybe pick one or two phrases that fit me to have handy if (better yet when) this happens again.

[PeterPan]

17 hours ago, Ottakee said:

See I can't think of anything like that in the moment.   I wish I would have 

I had a counselor point out to me that we don't problem solve well once we get stressed. So you could do mindfulness and focus on learning your stress symptoms, so you can recognize them starting sooner and self advocate faster. Your heartrate goes up, you're uncomfortable, change it. Also there's a thing they do that I think they call reframing. So you close your eyes, go back to that moment, feel what you were feeling (really go into it) and then MAKE A DIFFERENT CHOICE. Literally in your mind go through it but change the ending. It can be very healing. 

We were doing that reframing for an incident I had, but it could work for this. 

At some point maybe you should move? I mean, if this town is that small and gossipy, maybe it's time to move on? I know you love it there, but still. What an unhealthy thing to have to deal with. And personally, I wouldn't have even bothered with a bean dip thing. Just end the conversation, get up and leave. I'm a little ADHD (haha), so I would just suddenly see a person I needed to talk with or need to go to the bathroom, boom done. I think if people are so imperceptive that they come up talking old hash on Christmas Eve, they might not handle a polite correction/redirection well either. You're allowed to just GET UP AND LEAVE. 

[Ottakee]

1 hour ago, PeterPan said:

 

At some point maybe you should move? I mean, if this town is that small and gossipy, maybe it's time to move on? I know you love it there, but still. What an unhealthy thing to have to deal with. And personally, I wouldn't have even bothered with a bean dip thing. Just end the conversation, get up and leave. I'm a little ADHD (haha), so I would just suddenly see a person I needed to talk with or need to go to the bathroom, boom done. I think if people are so imperceptive that they come up talking old hash on Christmas Eve, they might not handle a polite correction/redirection well either. You're allowed to just GET UP AND LEAVE. 

I seriously considered moving.  Very seriously.  In fact I looked at houses in my other target area.   The thing is, I have a good, stable job here with a pension, my kids have jobs and friends and family is close and I have an amazing support network here.  That all far outweighs the 10 minutes of discomfort once in a while.   

 

Had I been alone, I would have made an excuse but I had my friend there, who had never been to our church, never to a Christmas Eve service in her life, etc and we were already seated so leaving her would have been hard and I didn't want her to have to fend it off.

I was just not expecting it at all.   No one at church (normally a very large church) has done this to me before.  It was just that this guy was a close friend with father in law and knew my husband years before I did.

Thinking of strategies for next time.

But really, moving was certainly a strong possibility 2 1/2 years ago.

[Halftime Hope]

6 hours ago, Ottakee said:

I seriously considered moving.  Very seriously.  In fact I looked at houses in my other target area.   The thing is, I have a good, stable job here with a pension, my kids have jobs and friends and family is close and I have an amazing support network here.  That all far outweighs the 10 minutes of discomfort once in a while.   

 

Had I been alone, I would have made an excuse but I had my friend there, who had never been to our church, never to a Christmas Eve service in her life, etc and we were already seated so leaving her would have been hard and I didn't want her to have to fend it off.

I was just not expecting it at all.   No one at church (normally a very large church) has done this to me before.  It was just that this guy was a close friend with father in law and knew my husband years before I did.

Thinking of strategies for next time.

But really, moving was certainly a strong possibility 2 1/2 years ago.

For your friend, I think there is also damage control.  I find this kind of behavior quite common among the older crowd who is generationally cued to times when people did discuss everything in a town.  I haven't found this kind of gossip as prevalent in peers (mid-life) and younger. 

[Alicia64]

On 12/30/2020 at 3:32 PM, Carol in Cal. said:

This is not the time or place to discuss this.
or
I don’t like to gossip about anyone, and especially family.  Let’s agree to pray for all during this holy season, and talk about something other than other people.

Perfect. It's not okay -- no matter how well meaning -- for people to steal/ruin our evening.

Makes me mad for you.

Wendy

[Terabith]

Okay, tangential question, but I have been to a lot of churches and I have never been to one where there were tables. I’m trying to envision how that works?  Like a church in a restaurant with tiers?  Or?

[Ottakee]

1 hour ago, Terabith said:

Okay, tangential question, but I have been to a lot of churches and I have never been to one where there were tables. I’m trying to envision how that works?  Like a church in a restaurant with tiers?  Or?

Our church building used to the be the local K-12th grade public school.  Our sanctuary is the old gym, very nicely redone.  The stage is in the corner and then there are 3 sections of chairs that fan out in a more traditional setting.   Then behind these is a row of tables, a mix of high top and low tables that seat 4 people.   So you have the traditional type seating and then the tables.   I find the tables really nice for laying out my Bible, taking notes, etc.  My friend, who was totally new to the church, opted for a table as she said she felt less exposed there and that is true.

I looked for a picture but couldn't find one.  Hope the description helps.

[Ausmumof3]

I think being kind of stunned by that kind of rudeness is understandable.  Mostly I find it easiest to redirect to questions about the persons life but sometimes people just catch us off guard.