I don’t want my son playing video games at friends houses

[drjuliadc]

I started letting my oldest, 9 year old son go to play with friends in our neighborhood if I know the parents. They mostly play outside, ride bikes, fish, feed turtles, ducks and geese at our two lakes, or play at one of the two parks. It is all things I want him to do, and I like him to be outside, so I like him doing it. He is very social and there are a lot of friends around his age here.

I don’t let my kids play video games.  No judgement at all for others doing so. I have told my son he is not allowed to play video games at other people’s houses, but I know it has happened before like when it rains or gets too hot, or they wear themselves out on someone’s trampoline, and he goes inside.  

While it is ultimately my son’s responsibility, is it rude if I let the parents know I don’t allow him to play video games for backup? I’m afraid it will come across as judgy of them. I know I just made that word up.

[JustEm]

Well we do let our kids play video games but they are not allowed to do so at neighborhood kids houses without asking us first.  For me the rule is set because while there are many games we don't have a problem with their are some that we do have issues with and don't want our kids playing them. I don't think it is rude to let the parents know but I wouldn't expect them to enforce the rule necessarily. I certainly wouldn't be enforcing that rule at my house simply because when my kids are playing with neighborhood kids I don't want to be babysitting the kids.  I trust my kids to follow my rules and if they can't then they do not get to go to neighbors' houses

[PeterPan]

I have very small experience, but I can tell you people are REALLY touchy about this. Yeah, it will come across as judgy. If he's not allowed to play AT ALL, then he needs to be able to say that or have a rule that works around it. Like if the rule is that he can't go in people's houses, then it short circuits that. But for us, I allow games but not violent games. What people call violent or another term (even if you just say a rating) is so personal, and they take it as a statement about their parenting, their standards, whatever. And they don't really get that I don't allow 1st person shooter games because my ds is prone to violence. I mean, if they UNDERSTOOD, they'd be like sure ok, definitely we'll play anything else. 

So I guess don't be shocked if you need new friends or run out of options. Personally, I would think about *why* you're of a no games persuasion and think how firm that needs to be. It's really awkward if it's not a rule he can have buy in on or say what the rule is. My rule on the 1st person shooters is completely and totally inflexible, because it's not safe for ds' psychology. I don't ask someone else to supervise that. He knows and I supervise. I don't expect someone else to enforce my rules, kwim? But if I'm there, I'm going to politely redirect, sure. Or I'll send the games I *am* cool with. I have not gotten a rude reply over it, and people usually go the other direction, apologizing. But yeah, it gets really touchy and really judgy really fast. 

[EKS]

My kids are both adults, but back in the day when this was an issue, I decided that telling them that they weren't allowed to do this or that thing at a friend's house was giving them a reason to go behind my back and do it anyway.  For the same reason, I didn't have any limits on screens when they were alone in the house.  I mean, you know they're going to do it anyway, so why forbid it?

I think that if you're set on the no video game thing, you're going to have to have them play at your house only.  

Edited June 15, 2020 by EKS

[forty-two]

10 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

If he's not allowed to play AT ALL, then he needs to be able to say that or have a rule that works around it. Like if the rule is that he can't go in people's houses, then it short circuits that

That's what I do - the rule with ds9 wrt playing with the neighbor kid is outside-only and no screens.  Tbh violent video games isn't my top worry here (and all the kids game with DH, but never unsupervised) - it's unsupervised internet access and too-much-screens/lack-of-movement in general - but in any case just shutting down screens altogether is less tricky than trying to define what is and isn't appropriate screen use.  Plus I just don't want them defaulting to screens, period.  So far the rule has worked well.

Eta: I've never talked about it with the parents, just ds9 (with neighbor boy listening in).  

Edited June 15, 2020 by forty-two

[Jean in Newcastle]

My son is an adult (almost 23) but I ran into this back when he was 8.  Mostly we just said "outside play only" and that worked for most situations.  But his best friend begged for him to be able to play inside.  The mom said that they only had kid friendly games so I relented.  Then I found out that her definition of kid friendly for 8 year olds was Grand Theft Auto and Halo.  And yes, I was seen as judgy when I said "no more" because she was proud that (in her words) her son wasn't growing up playing "sissy games".  I tried to be kind in setting boundaries for my kids but I stand behind my choices.  We went back to outdoor play only. 

(Later my son had a gaming addiction in his early teens and I had to set more boundaries for his mental health.  I think that each parent needs to be able to do that and that friends should be respectful about that.) 

[prairiewindmomma]

Ah, the great divide.  

FWIW, a lot of teen boy socializing revolves around video games.  It is a very rare boy who does not play at all, ever.  This is kind of akin to saying your child will only eat organic foods.  It's entirely possible when the child's life is completely controlled by you, but much harder to accomplish once their circles start to expand and they have more and more experiences without you.

Give some serious thought as to what you want your long term plan is.

For us, we felt much like you at age 9.  At around 12 we let our oldest start playing because it was such a social divide between him and other kids.  I really kind of shake my head at my naivete about it all. We still hold the line at no first person shooter games, no games that denigrate women, etc. and that line is really hard to hold.  Thankfully our kids agree with our sentiment, but they often have to shape what they do with their friends by choosing the games themselves.

[katilac]

58 minutes ago, drjuliadc said:

 While it is ultimately my son’s responsibility, is it rude if I let the parents know I don’t allow him to play video games for backup? I’m afraid it will come across as judgy of them. I know I just made that word up.

I wouldn't have been upset at someone giving me this information, but I would have politely told them that I only enforce the rules of my house. Anybody who doesn't like that can have all the kids in their house, lol. If your kids can't play video games or eat snacks or play in the dirt, that's between you and them, I am not enforcing the varied house rules of every neighbor kid. 

Plus, what do you want them to do about it? Tell your ds he has to leave? Awkward. 

[KungFuPanda]

You’re going to have to do the outside only thing. You can’t really push other parents outside of the realm of supervising and into parenting your specific way. Unless there are life threatening allergies to consider, their rules apply in their house. It’s not fair to them, their kids, or your son. Making an outside only rule is easier all around, and even then you’re going to be dealing with handheld games and phone apps. 
 

As he ages, you may find that you reap enough benefits from having a screen-free home that you don’t have to go zero tolerance with other people’s houses. 

Edited June 15, 2020 by KungFuPanda

[mom2scouts]

1 hour ago, prairiewindmomma said:

Ah, the great divide.  

FWIW, a lot of teen boy socializing revolves around video games.  It is a very rare boy who does not play at all, ever.  This is kind of akin to saying your child will only eat organic foods.  It's entirely possible when the child's life is completely controlled by you, but much harder to accomplish once their circles start to expand and they have more and more experiences without you.

Give some serious thought as to what you want your long term plan is.

For us, we felt much like you at age 9.  At around 12 we let our oldest start playing because it was such a social divide between him and other kids.  I really kind of shake my head at my naivete about it all. We still hold the line at no first person shooter games, no games that denigrate women, etc. and that line is really hard to hold.  Thankfully our kids agree with our sentiment, but they often have to shape what they do with their friends by choosing the games themselves.

I read this and realized my 17 year old has never even owned a gaming system. He plays two games online and prefers to socialize with older guys or do other activities, so I guess he doesn't really care.

As for the OP, I think it's fine for her child to be taught to go home when the other kids go inside to play video games or the friends, knowing he isn't allowed to play them, could choose to do something else inside. I think the parents could be told he's not allowed to play and if that means it's time for him to go home, then he can go home.

[fairfarmhand]

11 minutes ago, OKBud said:

 

You can not imagine a world where kids are told not to do one specific thing while their friend is over? 

I do this literally all. the. time. It's no big deal whatsoever. 

This is what gets me about kids and video games....They develop this absolute primacy. So much so that kids who can't play would be told to leave or not to come over in the first place. That's bananas! The kid is *9*. Video games are like brand new, people-wise. 

I ask my mom friends about video games before it comes up. “Guys are going to play minecraft. You ok with that?” I have friends who disallow video games and I tell my son to not even think about screen time when those friends are around. They always find other things to do. B

[KungFuPanda]

24 minutes ago, OKBud said:

 

You can not imagine a world where kids are told not to do one specific thing while their friend is over? 

I do this literally all. the. time. It's no big deal whatsoever. 

This is what gets me about kids and video games....They develop this absolute primacy. So much so that kids who can't play would be told to leave or not to come over in the first place. That's bananas! The kid is *9*. Video games are like brand new, people-wise. 

The perk of having other kids over is that they entertain each other and you have to do little more than see to their physical safety and maybe feed them. The kids decide what they want to play. Nobody wants to micro manage that by making sure they’re playing the “right” games. 
 

You could avoid this by hosting all of the indoor play dates  or you can make sure that your kids only go into the homes of those you trust.  Asking parents to have your exact standards, or to enforce a rule in their home that’s not actually a rule in their home is  presumptuous.  It is your right to stick to your guns with this, but it may prove to be socially limiting to your child. 
 

Kids are even playing games like monopoly on video now.  You’re asking that they not do that because you don’t like the modern format.  It might be easy to avoid specific games when you invite someone for a play date, but neighborhood friendships are a different thing. It involves a lot of unplanned meeting and playing. 

Edited June 15, 2020 by KungFuPanda

[Momto6inIN]

We don't play video games or watch movies when friends are over. Playtime with friends is for playing and socializing, not for what are mostly zone out activities. That's always been our rule, so it wouldn't come up at our house unless the guest specifically asked.

[JustEm]

22 minutes ago, OKBud said:

 

You can not imagine a world where kids are told not to do one specific thing while their friend is over? 

I do this literally all. the. time. It's no big deal whatsoever. 

This is what gets me about kids and video games....They develop this absolute primacy. So much so that kids who can't play would be told to leave or not to come over in the first place. That's bananas! The kid is *9*. Video games are like brand new, people-wise. 

 

I will do this is cousins are over or play dates are set up.  But not with neighborhood kids. They come and go constantly, with roughly 15 different kids who could  be at my house at any given time.  Remembering all of the different rules of other people's households is not going to happen. I will memorize any and all food allergies for every single kid, but knowing which kid can do what is just not going to happen.  I have so many other things to do in my day.

[prairiewindmomma]

My college aged kid plays mostly Steam games on his laptop, but my teen and tween are very much into Minecraft and Breath of the Wild. My 7 yo convinces everyone to play Mario Kart with her (4 player) and they will. 
 

Usually I offer to buy pizza if the boys and their friends will run a D&D campaign or play board games instead of being on screens.

[catz]

I would just tell your kid outside only.  My kids at that age were playing video games I consider very kid friendly - lego games, mine craft.  Lots of kids are playing animal crossing right now which is rated G.  And they were always laughing, bouncing around and active when playing with friends.  But that said, my son had friends that if they were my kids they would have had much stricter rules about technology than I had to enforce with my own kids.  And some families are fine with more mature games.  I was stricter with my oldest than my youngest and my kids are almost 4 years apart.  Different personalities there too.

In terms of other people's houses and especially kids in the neighborhood they are playing with all the time, if my kid's weren't mature enough to enforce a boundary they weren't mature enough to be at that friend's house.  I would have had to be much more "on" to supervise indoor play dates like that.  And that's a lot to ask for kids seen on a regular basis.  If the neighbor style playdates were that much effort, we'd just cut them way back and go to strictly outdoors anyway.  My kids were running around with the neighbors all the time when they were younger.  And yes, they did play video games at times.  

I also didn't really give my kid's rules they were expected to enforce at someone else's house or on their own when we were gone like someone else posted above.  Heck - I remember kicking back and staring at trashy TV for hours while my parents were gone. 

 

[catz]

3 minutes ago, Dreamergal said:

But what if you have many kids ? My kid always had a entire herd of kids to play with from small. They played outside all the time, but within that group, they had kids who were closer and played separately like my son and our neighbor's son across. But we had multiple kids who hung out in our house especially when it is blazing hot outside. What do these kids do except video games ? Whose rules do you follow ? The strictest one ? One whose family says not to play ? We are lucky we have neighbors who are similar to us. Honestly I would have had a problem with an OP like scenario or even standards lesser than us. I will not let a kid sit out in our house and feel excluded nor would I stop a group of kids from playing what they want within what we consider reasonable boundaries. We watch out, have standards, will talk to parents, let them know what we have and ask them what they have. If the parents have a problem, they need to make rules and enforce it. I will not enforce others rules. The only exception is allergies which I do across the board for food for any age. 

I do think it is harder with neighborhood groups. We regularly had 20 kids through our house when my kids were younger and my kids would have had a lot less fun had moms closed it down due to micromanaging individual families rules.  

I do think it could be different for the occasional one off playdate where you are more likely dropping your kid off and talking to a parent.  We did sometimes get "rules" from parents for those types of playdates.  And we did as best we could.  And if it were onerous and more work for me, we'd maybe not count on that family for anything regular.  

[catz]

3 minutes ago, CuriousMomof3 said:

 

I could see a similar situation here.  You give his friends parents a heads up that you've asked your kid to head home if video games begin.  Hopefully, that will lead to parents helping their kid understand if your kid leaves suddenly, and it might even lead to some of them enforcing your rule.  But I'd put the responsibility on the kid, not the others.  

I think giving another neighborhood parent a heads up that your kid doesn't do well with too much technology and will be heading home if kids go inside is fine.  Maybe that will lead to her remembering and sending your kid home.  I do think that is different than expecting her to enforce your rule regularly in her own home.  

[Moonhawk]

In this scenario, I would say that kids can only play outside or inside your house. I wouldn't involve other parents unless kids reach close friend status.

 

eta: And if/when other parents get involved, I would make it about your particular son, not about video games. "We have found set screen times work best for son" "He does better when we take video games out of his daily routine" "We're allowing video games on a probationary status right now and are seeing how he does, so we'd appreciate it if the boys did other things." 

The beauty of neighbor kids playing together is it's less work for the parents (don't have to drive to a playdate or organize anything or necessarily supervise) but once the role becomes more involved on the parents' side, they may reevaluate if your kid can come in at all, or if they are encouraged their kids to play with yours. 

Edited June 15, 2020 by Moonhawk

[katilac]

1 hour ago, OKBud said:

You can not imagine a world where kids are told not to do one specific thing while their friend is over? 

Sure I can. My kids didn't watch TV while friends were over, because that was my house rule. But I wasn't going to keep track of, and enforce, other family's rules. And I didn't request that their friends not turn on the TV while my kids were there, bc not my house. 

58 minutes ago, OKBud said:

Always!

I would be disappointed in my kids, frankly, if they would rather play a game they are always allowed to play than with a friend. Like, that's not OK. 

I have had friends request that we not discuss the news for a while. Well dang if I don't find something else to talk about with them! I'm not like, "oh then you need to leave this get-together." Can you imagine.  

So if the gang of kids usually runs together, they can never play video games as a group? Because there's often a gang of kids that wander the neighborhood, going in and out of houses, riding bikes one minute, playing video games the next, then back outside to play tag. If there's 8 kids, you might have one who can't play video games, one who can't watch TV, one who can't have a snack . . . 

50 minutes ago, Momto6inIN said:

We don't play video games or watch movies when friends are over. Playtime with friends is for playing and socializing, not for what are mostly zone out activities. That's always been our rule, so it wouldn't come up at our house unless the guest specifically asked.

That was the rule at my house as well, at least at that age. But I didn't expect everyone to have that rule. 

48 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

 

I will do this is cousins are over or play dates are set up.  But not with neighborhood kids. They come and go constantly, with roughly 15 different kids who could  be at my house at any given time.  Remembering all of the different rules of other people's households is not going to happen. I will memorize any and all food allergies for every single kid, but knowing which kid can do what is just not going to happen.  I have so many other things to do in my day.

This. If you are invited to my house, I do go to more trouble. If you are simply wandering in and out of my house as part of the neighborhood crew, well, you pays your money and you takes your chances. 

[Bootsie]

If I were told this, I would not think you were judging me, but I would wonder what I was supposed to do with the information.  Are you expecting me to stop video games while your child is in my home?  Can you child watch others play video games but not participate?  Am I supposed to send your child home?  If someone is doing a video game exercise workout in the house while your son and my son are doing something else, is that problematic for you?  If my son is going to be playing video games, do I tell him not to invite your child over?  

[Momto6inIN]

43 minutes ago, Dreamergal said:

 But we had multiple kids who hung out in our house especially when it is blazing hot outside. What do these kids do except video games ? 

Board games, Legos, skits, crafts, imagination ... all kinds of things are options besides video games. I'm not anti video games, my kids play them. But not with friends over.

[LMD]

I think it's totally fine to let the parent know your rules.

Some of my kids' favourite friends have a very strict no electronic games policy. We do a fair bit of gaming, my husband was a gamer himself back in the day and plays with our kids a lot! I don't feel judged, and I'm happy to respect their parenting decisions. It's really not a big deal, my kids understand, they have a ball together!

[Momto6inIN]

11 minutes ago, katilac said:

That was the rule at my house as well, at least at that age. But I didn't expect everyone to have that rule. 

I don't expect that either. I guess I just in general meant that usually a guest is the one setting the agenda, so to speak. So from the "being a guest" perspective, it would be relatively easy to teach your kid to politely say, "Let's do ____ instead!" and it wouldn't even be an issue because most kids have been taught to defer to their guests choices of play activities.

[katilac]

15 minutes ago, Momto6inIN said:

I don't expect that either. I guess I just in general meant that usually a guest is the one setting the agenda, so to speak. So from the "being a guest" perspective, it would be relatively easy to teach your kid to politely say, "Let's do ____ instead!" and it wouldn't even be an issue because most kids have been taught to defer to their guests choices of play activities.

But it's a gang of kids, so defer to who? The list I gave above of different rules people have is a real-life list, and I could add more to it: no play guns, including Nerf guns, no getting wet, no food, no drinks, no Harry Potter . . . 

Fundamentally, I don't see random neighborhood kids who are wandering in and out of each other's houses as "guests". 

[1GirlTwinBoys]

I would tell my son not to play video games and hope he would respect that, but I would not expect other people to enforce my rules that I have in place for my home at their house.  It does come across as very judgy IMO.  For example, I wouldn't buy my DD Bratz Dolls when she was little and didn't want her playing with them, but I would never tell a friends' mom to not allow that at their home.  We were never in that situation and I just wouldn't have done anything like that.  

[katilac]

8 minutes ago, 1GirlTwinBoys said:

I would tell my son not to play video games and hope he would respect that, but I would not expect other people to enforce my rules that I have in place for my home at their house.  It does come across as very judgy IMO.  For example, I wouldn't buy my DD Bratz Dolls when she was little and didn't want her playing with them, but I would never tell a friends' mom to not allow that at their home.  We were never in that situation and I just wouldn't have done anything like that.  

This is a great example of how kids can be doing what many of us want them to do - playing and socializing without screens - yet still running into different rules. 

Shout out to my fellow Bratz hater, lol 

[Tanaqui]

I had one rule when the kids were little, and that was Never Make Rules You Can't Enforce. No, sorry, I had two rules, the other being Never Make Rules You Can't Defend Logically, but I assume you have some sort of well-thought-out reason behind this No Video Games rule that I'm wholly uninterested in.

You can't enforce "don't play video games at other people's houses" unless you go with your kid to these people's houses. And while you might think that anybody agreeing to this rule in advance will enforce it, you can't know that for sure - they might say "Okay" to your face, and "What a prissy pill" behind your back and then let your kid do whatever. Or they might agree but fail to tell Grandma when she comes over to babysit. Or they might agree but then forget about it. I mean, who knows?

And this doesn't sound like something you trust your son to self-enforce for you. Like, if you said "No going to houses where you see a gun", you could explain that guns are dangerous and that would make sense and presumably he wouldn't be so attracted to guns he'd insist on going to that one house. But video games? Your son is not going to believe that they're more dangerous than enticing.

So my advice, honestly, is to drop it when he's playing with other kids, but mostly encourage the kids to come to your house instead by having lots of other stuff to do that's interesting. Alternatively, you can try a "no going into people's houses at all" rule, which may be easier to get him to comply with all the time.

[Momto6inIN]

3 hours ago, Dreamergal said:

I had an only son for almost 7 years. So we only had things for max two kids other than him. We were not a huge board game family then too. Mostly two person games and gym family. DS played outside all the time. We had outdoor equipment. But we had loads of kids always, 8 or 9 at a time, mostly boys hanging out at our house. DD was born quite late, so I never knew how to handle a band of boys especially but I could feed them. So I always had good snacks and they would play inside when the temperature outside was 90 plus. Everything else we never had enough equipment or I was too overwhelmed by the sheer numbers. I am an IT person by profession, so supervising video games was something I could do even with so many kids and we had so much of that. Books, music and video games is what we have a lot of. I am a terrible craft person and have zero imagination 🙄. But I wanted kids to hangout in my house so I did what played to my strengths which are video games and food. 

I find this so so so interesting! We would never in a million years be able to keep a group of kids happy with video games because at our house they're all on handheld devices so max 1 person playing and 1 person watching - which is boring. 😉

I don't plan or implement any activities whatsoever when my kids have friends over - they are on their own and they are the ones who have the imaginations, not me. My son and his friend once built a working crossbow out of sticks and duct tape from the garage and I had absolutely nothing to do with it lol! I supply food and they supply the fun.

3 hours ago, katilac said:

But it's a gang of kids, so defer to who? The list I gave above of different rules people have is a real-life list, and I could add more to it: no play guns, including Nerf guns, no getting wet, no food, no drinks, no Harry Potter . . . 

Fundamentally, I don't see random neighborhood kids who are wandering in and out of each other's houses as "guests". 

That's true but I never would have thought of it because we live in the boonies with no neighbors for at least a mile and any friend or group of friends that end up here are specifically invited. I always enjoy getting different perspectives on these boards! 😊

[teachermom2834]

1 hour ago, Tanaqui said:

I had one rule when the kids were little, and that was Never Make Rules You Can't Enforce. No, sorry, I had two rules, the other being Never Make Rules You Can't Defend Logically, but I assume you have some sort of well-thought-out reason behind this No Video Games rule that I'm wholly uninterested in.

This!!!

I my little boys are now 22, 20, and 17 but I have lived all this. Not making rules you can't enforce is one of the top pieces of advice I give younger moms who ask. They hate this advice.

The reality is rules around technology are always going to be difficult to enforce and once you make ones you can't enforce and your kids defy them (some kids won't but I'm willing to say most kids will) they get used to defying your rules. The last thing you want to do with technology is start in on sneakiness and defiance. So only make rules you can actually enforce (I would add rules that you can enforce without it becoming your full time job and making you a crazy person in constant conflict with your kids). 

I learned this with cell phones. Kid #1 started with a phone and a bunch of rules. By the time I got to kid #3 he just didn't get a phone until I was willing to let go of most of the rules. 

You can absolutely have standards but you have to be careful. "No going inside neighborhood houses" is workable. "No video games" or "No going in basements" or whatever is going to be futile or at least make you crazy in managing it. 

Personally, having lived through boys, my advice would be to guard your home and your time with your children as video game free and then let it go when they are at friends houses. The messages they are getting at home will be more important than the brief exposures they have at other homes. If you can't be a little carefree with brief visits to other homes then you should not let them go. Nothing wrong with picking your battles but you will likely fail (or as I said make yourself crazy) trying to have it all (upholding your standards while letting your kids go play).

[Shoeless]

You really can't enforce your rules for living in someone else's home. If I had kids over and their mom gave me a list of do's and don'ts for acceptable play, I'd make a mental note that those kids were park-friends only. I don't want to be responsible for all that. 

[skimomma]

We had a no screens rule when dd was 9.  This was mostly so she would not turn into a glassy-eyed zombie like many of the kids we knew had.  But I never pretended this was going to be a rule when she was playing at other houses.  So, really the "rule" was that we did not own a TV and dd did not own any kind of smart phone or gaming device.  Nothing to discuss.  And she was pretty geeked to watch the rare movie or play a video game when at a friend's.  Luckily, she did not visit homes that had violent games or TV available and her friends watched screens a lot so they were usually more interested in playing *with* any kid that came to play rather than screens.  So, I have no advice.  But I am posting because something similar happened in my home recently.  Dd had a sleepover (pre-covid) with 13 (yes, 13!) girls ranging in ages 14-18.  The mother of one of the 15 yos asked me to take her daughter's phone away at bedtime.  I thought she was joking and let out a snicker before I realized she was serious.  I politely declined.  There was no way I was going to be awake at "bedtime" and I certainly was not going to have a showdown with a 15yo I barely know over a phone rule.  I told the mom to either let it go or take the phone home with her.  I don't know which she did and don't really care.  I knew the other 12 girls would have their phones so even if I took hers, she would have plenty of access. 

[hippiemamato3]

On 6/15/2020 at 2:27 PM, Seasider too said:

 

Also, bedroom use was prohibited, as well as not allowing any gaming systems to be taken along as college freshmen. My guys knew they needed these boundaries and as adults have thanked us for them. 

 

It's so funny to me that adults would follow this rule!

[drjuliadc]

Thanks for responding. You gave me a more well formed idea of what to do. Maybe rude was not the right word, but I was thinking what some of you said, that you can’t expect someone else to parent your child.

This is all very new since he’s my oldest and normally, my kids have a lot of  extracurricular activities that have been closed lately. I have four children close in age so they really were doing fine with each other until maybe the last week of three months together. My 7 and 9 year-olds seemed to start clashing. 

Other kids are at our house more than my child is at others. Again, just recently.  We have the only pool among his friends and our community pool is closed. There are no 90 degree excuses for being inside with a pool.

I am going to stick with the playing outside rule. ECs have started back up this week and that will fix a lot of this.

Some of you made the point that it gets harder to keep this up and I’ve always wondered how long I could get away with it. It was interesting how it has played out in others families. 

[Familia]

I just thought I would add our experience for you, @drjuliadc.  We had the strictest screen-time rules of almost any family we knew, and we knew a lot of screen-limited families!  Motivation was for our dc to develop other interests.  FWIW, the rules never changed, and they had a lot of hobbies, so they never missed it/complained about it.  Actually, now they thank us.

They were allowed ½ hour of 'junk' computer games a week during school year, 1 hour in summer.  Junk was computer football game, spore, or something silly along those lines.  They were to set a loud family timer and walk away when time was up.  I didn't want to be the police for it.  They usually used their time on Monday, right after school.  

But, we allowed free use of word processing, modeling, programming, photo editing, etc.  Well, within reason.  I would get sick of the computer time and boot them off after awhile, telling them, "Hey, that's probably about enough of that for now."  They developed amazing computer skills this way.  Eldest DS, particularly, learned enough Adobe programs, Maya, etc, to earn a half credit for computer programming in high school (I also had him write a paper).  He also got super into lego stop motion animation and spent thousands of hours making elaborate and amazing movies.  We still marvel at what he made.  He went on to independently make a documentary about our parish history that was completely professional and raised a lot of money for them.  We allowed our youngest to use Instagram (in, gasp, 11th grade...we never would have thought we'd allow social media=) to begin marketing her business.  These lessons that computers are tools, not playthings, has led all of our children to shake their head in wonder at the hours their now-adult peers spend playing computer games.  

(I never addressed other people's houses.  We didn't have the concern of neighborhood children, living in the country, but at friends' houses there was some pressure.  We chose to set limits on ratings only, since the interactions were not that common)

Edited June 18, 2020 by Familia

[ScoutTN]

Zombie thread.