For those deciding where to move to

[Scarlett]

I have always wondered about your extended family. 
Whenever I think about where I want to live I always just come back to wanting to be near my family. Both blood family and chosen. 

I really regret our move to OK because I left so many loved ones behind and now we aren’t close anymore. 
 

I can see us retiring back to AR probably Hot Springs area where we both have family. And as a bonus it is a gorgeous area with beautiful lakes. 
 

Of course the kids are rooted here in OK now but they have their own life. 

[Laura Corin]

It would never have been possible for us. Husband is from Texas and I am from England. Moving to Scotland was a good compromise, in a way: new for both of us, but close enough so that we could move the surviving grandparent to be near us. And we have become closer to one uncle and cousins who live in Scotland. Husband misses friends in the States, but he's not that close to his surviving family.

[fairfarmhand]

For us, we live 2 hours from dhs side and 3 hours from my dad and stepmom.

I didn't have the experience growing up fully involved with cousins and grandparents. We lived in Tampa FL and everyone else lived in north GA. So the idea of seeing in laws and aunts and uncles and cousins being fully involved in our lives on a regular basis just doesn't compute with me. I just cant figure out how that works because it wasn't my experience growing up. So I don't feel weird about seeing brothers in law-sisters in law and nieces and nephews more than 4-5 times a year, because growing up I saw my aunts uncles and cousins probably 2-3 times a year. 

My kids are closer to friends than to cousins. I'm closer to friends than to in laws and siblings. One of my brothers lives overseas and my other brother lives in South Carolina. 

[SquirrellyMama]

Very few people in my family or my husband's family live in the same state or country as each other. I fully expect my kids to move away. Even if they don't I will. I want to move where winter is short. 

Kelly

[MEmama]

Neither DH nor I grew up near extended family and neither of us are close with our parents or siblings, so distance from them isn’t an issue. 
 

I fully expect DS will move away from the state where we currently live. Although he has friends here, they will all scatter and other than us, he has no ties or sentimental reasons for staying. We don’t expect to stay here forever either; ideally we would end up near DS, but who knows. I imagine we will always have a close relationship with him and will prioritise him regardless of distance.

[TravelingChris]

Dh joined the USAF soon after graduating and after we were married and both my mom and dad were dead.  So we spent 27.5 years moving around- never near his family with the closest being about 5 hours away.  And when we did live there, we didn't visit anyway.  We couldn't stay at his father's house (his mom died 23 years ago) and his father wasn't all that interested in our family.  We didn't care for his brothers much/    My sister died too and my brother travels to see us usually at least once a year.  No other family.

[catz]

I think this really depends on your family relationships. My own parents very mindfully moved away from family as a young married couple.  

[Arcadia]

My extended family is in a few different continents. My husband's cousin's spouse is in Texas currently for an outstation job but would be leaving when his outstation job is completed back to his original place of work. Hopefully we get to visit them (cousin, her spouse and their kids) and they get to visit us before they leave US. If we want to be near relatives, we would need to migrate to Australia (Sydney, Melbourne, Perth) to be near the cousins, nieces and nephews that my husband and I are close to.

[theelfqueen]

I was about 10 years old when we moved away from the town in Missouri where both of my parents grew up and most of our family lived or lived within a few hours. One of my aunts followed us to Colorado a few years later.

My DH grew up in South Florida completely surrounded by family. But he joined the Air Force. And his parents moved to North Florida. 

When we married, we made decisions that allowed my two children from my previous marriage to stay close to their father. Once he moved away we didnt feel tied to location so much. 

We still live in Colorado (Colorado Springs almost 20 years). I grew up in Littleton/Denver. A few years back my parents and my younger brother also moved to Colorado Springs.

When DH was unhappy at work we discussed our options and concluded that we were up for a move (we actually looked at a job at the Hague but it was a longer term commitment than we were ready for...) in the long run he took a new job in our same location. 

I am basically an introvert, I dont want to participate in big family events and things most of the time. I love my parents and siblings and cousins but I can't make my life decisions based on them.  We are not close in the "lives entangled" way. My oldest son is in the USAF and currently lives in Mississippi and is supposed to be moving to the UK.

So I'm theoretically up for adventure and new places but life hasn't taken us that way. 

[fairfarmhand]

I will say this: when you live in the same place for a period of years you do develop a sense of community (if you make the effort to get involved) whether or not your biological family is there.

there are many in our church who my kids are closer to than family members. These folks have watched my kids grow up and have invested in their lives. We know who’s who in our area, we grieve when the  community loses someone special, we help when there’s a need. That builds something that fills the need for family. 

[EmseB]

My parents live in an expensive area that, even if my DH could find a job there, would make us extremely house poor and limit opportunities for the kids. My parents will likely move to be near us in a few years wherever we land

DH's parents town doesn't have jobs for him. He's looked.

It would be more compelling I think if either set of parents lived in a place where either of us grew up or something, but both sets have moved since we left home.

Also, I haven't lived near family for about 20yrs minus about 16months. So I guess I don't know what I'm missing?

[Scarlett]

Thanks for all the answers.  I guess basically we don’t have the same sort of communities we had when I was young.  I am pretty unhappy with my community at the moment.  I keep hanging on hoping I will get over my self or feel differently.  And we can’t leave now if I wanted because of my parents ...we moved them over here.  
 

Then again, the old saying, ‘wherever you go there you are’, probably applies to me at the moment.  

[City Mouse]

My family moved several times as a kid. Sometimes we lived near extended family, but sometimes we didn’t, and we switched from Dad’s family to Mom’s family.  When I look back, I don’t think my parents liked the others extended family very much. So I did not grow up with the expectation of always living near family.

My DH lived most of his life in one city with his parents. However, he is 8 of 9 kids with almost 20 years between the oldest and himself. The older siblings did not have the same experience of living in one place. By the time we decided to move away, my husband’s parents had both died and only one sibling was still living in that city. My parents lived in the same area, but at that time they were healthy and did not need any extra support.  It was the best time for us to go. Since then, my parents have moved 3 hours away from that city, and my DHs remaining sibling (remaining in that city not that the others have died) moved to a new state.  If we ever decide to move back “home” there is no family left there or at least no family we would claim. While we do have long term plans to move back “home” when we need more medical care than is found in our very rural state, it is more the geographic familiarity that pulls us back. If we moved to be near extended family now, we would be completely starting over some where new, and whose to say those relatives won’t decide to move away, or even pass away. Then we would be in an unfamiliar place with no relatives. I would rather be in a familiar place with lots of friends. 

[Carrie12345]

My family moved away when I was 23 and about to get married. We don’t speak to dh’s family. Technically, we could move anywhere and all would be the same in that regard. Instead, we have no desire to move out of our current area because we love our community.

I DO hate the idea of my kids moving far away, and my oldest has (but with his other parent.) I hate how relationships have changed without my family within a reasonable driving distance. I hate that my children have mostly grown up without involved grandparents or close cousin relationships (though there’s a big age gap for most.). They all know this, but they also know that I’ll live if they choose otherwise for themselves.

[slackermom]

It is normal for me to go years without seeing my extended family.  I grew up in an Army family, moving around a lot. And unlike most other Army families we knew, we had no hometown of relatives to go visit. My father's father, mother's father, and both of my mother's siblings were also career Army, so everyone was on the move. My parents split up around the time I finished high school, and both moved thousands of miles at least four times each after that. 

I moved to my current area on my own, rather than follow either of my parents. I eventually met and married someone here, and though I expected that we would eventually move away together, we kind of got stuck here. His family was the polar opposite of mine in terms of mobility. He grew up on the same street as his mother's sister and father's sister, who lived next door to each other. The rest of his extended family almost all lived within a few miles, with the one exception being one uncle who moved one state over, and was considered to have abandoned his family. Even that uncle moved back to the area after his divorce about a decade ago. I enjoyed some aspects of the big instant family, but mostly I found it suffocating. My MIL in particular has no respect for boundaries.

And now I am in the middle of my own separation. He moved out a little over 2 years ago. Since much of our life was connected to his family, I am a bit adrift now that the relationship has changed. We have one child, who is now halfway through high school. The plan is for me to stay in this home until our child moves out, but that may include some college years at home, especially given the current climate.

So I am definitely thinking about "where next?" at this point. But my own extended family doesn't live near each other either, and I have never lived in the places they settled in. Maybe I need to start my own thread about where to go. I need to find a place with REALLY low cost of living.

 

[Shoeless]

10 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I have always wondered about your extended family. 
Whenever I think about where I want to live I always just come back to wanting to be near my family. Both blood family and chosen. 

 

We moved to Texas to be near the inlaws. Long story short, they promised a lot of help with DS and lots of fun family time and togetherness.  That did not come to pass because they all moved away within weeks of us getting here. We see them once, maybe twice a year now, despite me trying very hard to build a relationship with them and between them and DS.  I was not at all happy about them moving, because I gave up friends, my family, and a job I liked to move to be near them.  It felt like they pulled a fast one on us.  None of the people moving did so because of jobs. They just felt like living in a different city, several hours away.  DH was really hurt and disappointed.  I was really confused for awhile, and now I feel like "Whatever" when the in-laws moan and groan about how they never see us. 

Now I want to live closer to my family. Probably not in the same state as them, (taxes are too high there), but within a day's drive would be great. I feel vulnerable here without family during a pandemic. If something happened to me and DH, I have no idea who would look after my 11 year old and no fast way to get him to my family. We've lost some friends as a result of me speaking out against the Plandemic video, we don't have family ties here, and there aren't any of the types of educational opportunities my son enjoys. My husband can work remotely, so there's no great reason to stay here.  Time to go!    

[J-rap]

Both my dh and I were from very close-knit families that travelled the world (when we were children), sometimes for our parents' jobs, sometimes just for the adventure.  I never lived on the same side of the country as my extended family growing up, and yet, we were somehow very close.  My grandmothers would often come stay with us in the winters, and my mother and siblings and I would take the train across the country every summer and stay with my grandma  (and then I'd get to be with all my cousins ~ my favorite part of the year!).   Both my dh's and my parents encouraged us to spread our wings and travel, and immediately after we were married, we moved far away.  (For dh's school.)   We then moved overseas and I would never trade in those years.  I think those years on our own really helped strengthen our marriage.  But eventually, we returned to our home state, and although we still lived 3 hours away from our extended families, our kids got to see their grandparents and cousins very often.  Their grandparents (on both sides of the family) became a crucial part of their lives. 

We encouraged our children to be adventurous too, and they've all lived overseas at some point and one of them still does, and two others live in other states.  We're still very close-knit and we get together as often as we can and talk a lot, and I think this has worked out fairly well for us -- although ideally I'd love to have all of my adult children nearby.  I miss them.  (We do have two nearby!)

BUT, sometimes I wonder...  I think of what it was like for my parents' generation (when they were children -- back in the 30's and 40's), when they all lived within a few blocks of extended family members and were there as a constant village for each other.   There's something really special about that, way beyond just being able to hang out with relatives on holidays.   I don't think there's a right or wrong way of doing it, although I'm so glad that my parents made it a priority to stay closely connected to extended family when I was a child, even though we lived across the country from each other .  But I also think that as this world gets harder and life feels more complex, actually living amongst family/extended family might be something that needs prioritizing again.

 

[Sherry in OH]

I grew up surrounded by extended family.  Most of them lived in the same small town.  In some ways it was great, in other ways stifling.   My generation was the first generation to move away en-mass.  We left for college or the military.  A few returned, but most followed jobs around the country.   At one point dh and I considered moving closer to my family, the high cost of living and low salaries were deterrents.  

Instead we moved closer to dh's family.  That was a mistake.  We left our neighborhood 'family' in the city for the lonely suburbs.  The family that insisted we needed a bigger house in the suburbs closer to them? They still didn't visit us.   We lived a few miles from one of dh's siblings.  His mother would drive to see the sibling then go home and call to tell us about the visit and ask when we were coming to see her.  

Our last move took us several states from either family.  We moved for dh's job.  We have seen some family members just a few times since moving and others not at all.  In some ways I feel badly about my children not being close to extended family.  Every time I have to fill out a form asking about emergency contacts, I worry a little.  But, I do not miss the drama.    

 

 

[J-rap]

5 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

It wasn't really like that though for everyone back then either.  That's actually my grandparents timeframe, and every single one of my grandma's siblings up and moved away from my great grandparents farm as they came of age.  There were 8 all together and most settled all within the northern IL/southern MI area.  I mean closer than "across the country" but certainly within a few hours drive of each other, not only a few blocks.  And in fact, those great grandparents, they were immigrants to the US from Poland, so their entire families all lived back in Europe.  

True, I'm sure it wasn't everyone's family dynamic back then.  I wonder if your family's experience is more typical for a farm family?  My mother lived in a large inner-city neighborhood and all of her grandparents were immigrants.  It was a neighborhood that drew a lot of immigrants from that country so I think they all felt comfortable together, and could continue speaking their native language with each other.   

[PrincessMommy]

20 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I have always wondered about your extended family. 
Whenever I think about where I want to live I always just come back to wanting to be near my family. Both blood family and chosen. 

I really regret our move to OK because I left so many loved ones behind and now we aren’t close anymore. 
 

I can see us retiring back to AR probably Hot Springs area where we both have family. And as a bonus it is a gorgeous area with beautiful lakes. 
 

Of course the kids are rooted here in OK now but they have their own life. 

I wish I had an answer.  I've always wanted to move away and out of the state of my birth, but my husband was always rooted to his job here.  Most of my extended family has moved away already.     But, now I have grown kids taking root in this basic area (one is about 2hrs away).  I'd love to move to the mountains of NC or TN... but that would be at least 10hrs away from my children/grandchildren.  😞   The idea of picking up and moving away from them is impossible to fathom. 

 

[fairfarmhand]

1 hour ago, happysmileylady said:

It wasn't really like that though for everyone back then either.  That's actually my grandparents timeframe, and every single one of my grandma's siblings up and moved away from my great grandparents farm as they came of age.  There were 8 all together and most settled all within the northern IL/southern MI area.  I mean closer than "across the country" but certainly within a few hours drive of each other, not only a few blocks.  And in fact, those great grandparents, they were immigrants to the US from Poland, so their entire families all lived back in Europe.  

It was like this in many rural areas of the South though. My great grandparents were first cousins. They lived in a town with a family name, such as Smithville where everyone in the town was related in some way and many had the last name of Smith. I think it likely depends on the time the family immigrated to the US from Europe or other places and how isolated the community was. In many places in the South the roads and mountains limited the mobility of so many families. Even now, in Appalachia, communities have become so isolated, that the idea of moving away is incomprehensible. They just can't imagine a life outside of the "holler." I've heard Alaska is the same way. 

[katilac]

9 hours ago, MissLemon said:

We moved to Texas to be near the inlaws. Long story short, they promised a lot of help with DS and lots of fun family time and togetherness.  That did not come to pass because they all moved away within weeks of us getting here.  

 

2 hours ago, Sherry in OH said:

 Instead we moved closer to dh's family.  That was a mistake.  We left our neighborhood 'family' in the city for the lonely suburbs.  The family that insisted we needed a bigger house in the suburbs closer to them? They still didn't visit us.   We lived a few miles from one of dh's siblings.  His mother would drive to see the sibling then go home and call to tell us about the visit and ask when we were coming to see her.  

I can't imagine. My heart hurts for both of y'all. I always wonder what is going through the heads of people like that; they have to see what they are doing on some level. I don't understand people. 

In MissLemon's case, I can't even picture how that conversation might go. "I'm glad you finally listened to us and moved here! By the way, we're leaving." Do they acknowledge all the things they said before you moved there, or do they pretend they never said they wanted you to move? 

 

[katilac]

4 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

I think it just depends on the family really.  The whole of the US is really kinda built on people up and moving and spreading out.  

Right. Americans always have these conflicting images of the perfect family dynamic in their minds at the same time. They think everyone should be the Waltons and live a multi-generational life in a close-knit community, but also everyone should be the Ingalls and strike out on their own with a fiercely independent spirit 😄

[J-rap]

26 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

I think it just depends on the family really.  The whole of the US is really kinda built on people up and moving and spreading out.  

That's true, but interestingly, wherever we've lived, we've always been in the minority (ones living apart from any extended family).  The majority of people that I seem to come in contact with tend to live close to at least part of their extended family.  

[J-rap]

23 minutes ago, katilac said:

Right. Americans always have these conflicting images of the perfect family dynamic in their minds at the same time. They think everyone should be the Waltons and live a multi-generational life in a close-knit community, but also everyone should be the Ingalls and strike out on their own with a fiercely independent spirit 😄

So true!  I certainly struggle with this!

 

[ktgrok]

On 5/19/2020 at 1:14 PM, Scarlett said:

I have always wondered about your extended family. 
Whenever I think about where I want to live I always just come back to wanting to be near my family. Both blood family and chosen. 

I really regret our move to OK because I left so many loved ones behind and now we aren’t close anymore. 
 

I can see us retiring back to AR probably Hot Springs area where we both have family. And as a bonus it is a gorgeous area with beautiful lakes. 
 

Of course the kids are rooted here in OK now but they have their own life. 

See, I'd way rather live near my kids than any other family. 

My sister and I both moved 3 hours away from our parents, but then my parents eventually followed, sort of. We were in the Orlando area, but they wanted to stay on the coast, so they moved to the central florida coast, near coco beach. 

We see them every few months at least, often more, until now anyway. My kids LOVE their cousins and vice versa. I don't always love the interaction...some of the public school "have to compete and find your place in the pecking order" stuff has rubbed off on one of my nieces but they are great kids in general. And close in age, my sister found out she was pregnant with her first the day I gave birth to my second, and our due dates for her second and my third were the same! Totally unplanned on both our parts - and yet totally timed. They were born 3 weeks apart - her one week early, me two weeks late. And the cousins LOVE my littlest and treat her like a doll, lol. 

So yeah, the only reason we haven't left this area (which I greatly dislike for a lot of reasons) is my family. At the end of the day, the idea of moving away is just too hard. Instead we will move closer. We are about 45 minutes from my sister and want to be within 20 minutes, which will also put us closer to my parents. 

IF we move away, the stipulation is that wherever we go it is close to an airport with cheap flights back home, so we can come home and my family can visit us. 

[KungFuPanda]

I have every intention of stalking my daughter and moving where she moves. 🙂 Luckily her first out-of-college job is one county over so no packing yet.  One day she will marry her boo. (He seems to have staying power.  It's all good.  We like him.) They'd have a hard time affording the town where we live.  His parents are only a block away from us, but I don't see them moving out of state any time in the next 3-4 years.  I want to always be local to her so I can be a local grandma.  My kids didn't have that, but I did and I want my grandkids to have that.  I also want my daughter to have more help as a young mother than I ever did.  

I like where we currently live, but it's expensive and DH works from home so we don't HAVE to live here.  Our kids are raised and this was a great place to do that, but we don't NEED all of those opportunities anymore.  I'd be all up for a multi-generational household, but only me and ds would be enthusiastic about that idea.  No newlyweds WANT that.  😆

Edited May 20, 2020 by KungFuPanda

[Shoeless]

3 hours ago, katilac said:

In MissLemon's case, I can't even picture how that conversation might go. "I'm glad you finally listened to us and moved here! By the way, we're leaving." Do they acknowledge all the things they said before you moved there, or do they pretend they never said they wanted you to move? 

 

 

Three days after we arrived in Texas, we went to see MIL. I walked in to her house to find it filled with moving boxes.  I asked what was up, and she laughed and said "I am moving! And so is SIL and cousin-in-law!" I must have looked like I had been hit by a bus, because MIL laughed again and said "Look at your face! You're looking like 'I just got here and everyone is leaving!' ha ha!".  

My MIL has moved 5 times in 6 years, always a bit further away from us. She has bipolar disorder, and moving is part of her manic phase.  Everyone just sort of goes along with it, rather than try to talk her out of it.  I dont understand this dynamic, and I have been told rather pointedly to mind my business. There is a lot about how my in-laws function that I do not understand at all.  I have decided none of it is my problem and leave it 100% to DH to set up any visits with his family and deal with his mom's mental health.  

It feels like a cold way to handle this sometimes, but it's the only way I can keep from feeling bitter about it. 😕

[katilac]

4 hours ago, MissLemon said:

 

Three days after we arrived in Texas, we went to see MIL. I walked in to her house to find it filled with moving boxes.  I asked what was up, and she laughed and said "I am moving! And so is SIL and cousin-in-law!" I must have looked like I had been hit by a bus, because MIL laughed again and said "Look at your face! You're looking like 'I just got here and everyone is leaving!' ha ha!".  

 

Oh, man, that's crazy! But methinks you dodged a bullet when they left. 

[Shoeless]

38 minutes ago, katilac said:

Oh, man, that's crazy! But methinks you dodged a bullet when they left. 

Yeah, they are part of why I want to move away.  MIL is still close enough that she can hijack Christmas and cause drama. She also hints that she wants to move in with us, and there is no way that can happen if DH and I are to stay married. MIL will never leave Texas, so if we move, that issue will resolve on its own. 

[Slache]

1 hour ago, MissLemon said:

Yeah, they are part of why I want to move away.  MIL is still close enough that she can hijack Christmas and cause drama. She also hints that she wants to move in with us, and there is no way that can happen if DH and I are to stay married. MIL will never leave Texas, so if we move, that issue will resolve on its own. 

We moved here in part because "I will never move to Texas" but now it's her 3 year plan. If we move to Costa Rica you'll know why.