How to have a “normal” wedding for <$10,000

[Guest]

1 hour ago, marbel said:

This just jumped out at me. I don't think you are like this but I know women who have planned their daughter's wedding to be the wedding the mom didn't get to have. That was an awkward sentence.  Moms who were unhappy with their own wedding because of things their parents did or didn't do, then often go on to overdo their own influence in their  daughter's wedding.

I can't say much about parental involvement in weddings. When I got married the first time, we went to the courthouse and then my husband's parents sponsored a lunch for the immediate families. Second time around, we were in our 30s and did it all ourselves.  My mom was happy not to have to help planning (she had had a courthouse wedding herself) and paid for our cake. 

So I don't know, between this and having the favors already figured out in your mind (does your daughter like the succulent idea?) I just thought I'd say this.  I'll say again I don't think you are like this, but as you know, people get pretty emotional over wedding planning.  

No, I’m not doing the wedding I didn’t get. My wedding was lovely, but that doesn’t erase the fact that I was very ignorant and some guidance would not have been amiss. I think my mom was so afraid of being intrusive - plus, she wasn’t paying - that she went too far the other way and did not help or discuss certain logistics or help me realize details. My MIL did this much more than my mother, which is how it came to be that she and some aunties made and served the food. I’m embarassed to admit it, but I pretty much ignored the subject of food until my MIL asked me about it. 

My dd does like the succulent idea. She and I have sat together for several hours altogether, looking through her Pinterest board and talking about this idea or that, what she likes, what she thinks is unnecessary, etc. 

[ktgrok]

Just keep in mind that "nice" doesn't have to equal "what everyone else does". Too often it is easy to do that with weddings. 

[moonflower]

Here is a photo from my sister's wedding; the girls in solid colored dresses in warm tones are the bridesmaids.  So you can see that they have perfectly nice dresses and it did look pretty formal, but again on the very cheap. 

 

They didn't pay for hair or makeup either AFAIK but they are all, again, aspiring or working actresses so they did each others'.

[Jenny in Florida]

The one and only time I was a bridesmaid, the bride scouted local boutiques and found a dress she liked that came in several colors and lots of sizes. She then gave the bridesmaids the info and asked us to buy one we liked, in whatever color we liked. I think I spent about $35 on the dress (in 1998), and I wore it quite a few times afterward. It was a fairly casual dress, but when we all had our hair and make-up done and were lined up next to the bride, it looked nice.

[Laura Corin]

For our wedding back in the dark ages, we rented the whole of a small B&B and used the outside for the wedding (Northern California in June, predictable weather).  The B&B only had a few rooms, so we basically bought the rooms for the day/night at a discount, as we were taking the whole place and not requiring breakfast.  We had the rooms to dress and relax.  I bought my dress from a sample shop.  We only had flowers for bride, groom, and the two friends who stood up with each of us.

The rest of our wedding wouldn't meet your specification - no favours, no food beyond cake and wine, no bridesmaids, no professional hair and make-up, photos by our friend the graphic artist.

[GoodGrief]

20 hours ago, Quill said:

 

One thing *I* am very particular about is photography. I’m a pretty serious amateur photographer and haven’t paid for photography in twenty years. I have been mulling over what I would want to do for dd’s wedding in this respect. It may be some sort of combo in which I do a bunch of photos of bride, groom and both together, and then also hire someone for photographing the wedding, reception and other photos, such as parents of the bride; obviously, it is hard to do those oneself. (Though not impossible! As our Christmas family portraits have proven every year!)  

I do agree with you about being picking about the photography. It's the one aspect of the wedding day you will be able to hang onto for the future.

I would caution you about trying to do it yourself though after my experience with my daughter's wedding. She and her now-husband were paying their own wedding expenses and she asked me to do photography (I've got a small photography business.) I reluctantly agreed because she said they would not have photography otherwise (though ultimately she did get a student photographer for the ceremony itself.)

In brief, it was really too much for me to try to separate mother-of-the-bride duties from photographer duties for that day, and it was a drag hauling that camera and lighting around the public venue while trying to greet relatives and friends.

The student photographer's work was what you would expect of a student photographer. It was a full sun 2 PM outdoor wedding and the light was harsh. She did the best she could but it wasn't pro work, for sure.

I suspect it would be tough to find a pro wedding photographer who is willing to do only part of the ceremony, so I'm guessing there would be a compromise on experience/quality there.

[AK_Mom4]

Late to this party but... DD25 got married this spring.  Very Nice Wedding and definitely much less than $10K.

Venues:  Church they attend + reception at local park with a building you can rent.

Dresses:  Her gown was about $500, the bridesmaids dressed were under $100 each (ordered online)

Tuxes: Standard tux rentals (except for the groom who actually owned one)

Food: catered BBQ, so priced at picnic-prices rather than wedding-prices

Photography was the big ticket item - it ran nearly $800 but the pictures were worth it.

I think the moral of the story is that if you watch your budget, it can be easily done.

[Lori D.]

ETA -- IGNORE THIS POST! I just now read the updated posts that I did not see earlier, and up-thread Marbel already dressed these thoughts, and Quill responded, so this is extraneous...

   15 hours ago,  Quill said: 

I had the beginnings of a plan to get a whole bunch of 2” clay pots, paint them with chalkboard pain, glue or tie a burlap and lace piece of ribbon on it, and plant tiny succulents (which I have and can propogate) in them. Then, they could be both seating marker and favor. One per couple. So, on the chalkboard paint, we would write, “Sue and Mark Jones” and then sit them at the table where those guests are planned to sit. 

😲 Good Lord! That's very artistic and generous of you, but all I can think is... What a lot of work! What a lot of money! What a ton of extra stress of painting, potting, and keeping alive 75-150 potted plants in the already-stress-filled weeks just before a wedding... And how do you label something designed for couples when there will be single friends who are invited who come alone, or who bring a +1 but they are not a couple... And not everyone likes/wants plants, so you'll have a lot of pots with plants that you'll be bringing back and have to find homes for after the wedding reception... And I love plants, lol!

What about instead saving doing this creative project as Christmas gifts for a much smaller number of your special family members and friends who you know would be delighted with this personal gift, from your garden to theirs. 

If you need to do assigned seating, for directing guests to specific tables at wedding receptions, I've seen things like a chalkboard at the entrance to the dining area, with a list of guests under their table number. Or DIY place cards at each plate -- type up the names, "select all" and convert to a fancy typeface, lay it out with 4 or 6 names per sheet of nice/slightly heavier 8.5"x11" paper, print, cut apart, fold, bam, done.
 

7 hours ago, Quill said:

...When I got married, my parents did not provide a dollar, although some of my mom’s friends did help... That was a nice thing, but I wouldn’t want that for my kid’s wedding. There were a lot of small sufferings due to my complete inexperience in planning a large-scale event. My mom practically never talked about wedding plans with me....

... I think the bottom line is: I care about my dd’s wedding being nice. I’m not the kind of person who can just say, “this is all the money I have for it; do what you can with that.” 

I'm so sorry -- it sounds like perhaps you did not have the wedding you wished for because your mom was not involved in the way you wish she had been. 😪 Meaning this very gently and with great respect and kindness, and please forgive me if I'm totally misreading this... But please be careful that researching and planning for DD's future wedding doesn't become about trying to make up for what you wish your wedding could have been.

It's terrific to be gathering ideas way in advance for how to contain costs for a wedding. And it's absolutely wonderful that you are willing/able to be involved in planning and that you are already starting to save to be able to help your DD and future spouse have a wedding that is nice -- but in the end, what is "nice" needs to be decided by them (as long as it is within the budget, of course). What do she and future groom want? What are the 1-2 things that are important to them? That is where the bulk of the budget (and time and planning) should go, and the rest can be done inexpensively, or skipped entirely if it is unimportant to DD and future spouse.

It sounds like from up-thread that the things that the 2 most important aspects for you are the food and the photography. Perhaps once a wedding is a reality, you could have some discussion with DD and her future spouse about what is important to them, and share any ideas and tips with them, but then focus your energies and artistic abilities on those 2 areas to see that those things happen in a way that your DD and her future spouse would like, but that would also be special and meaningful to you.

I loved the idea from a previous poster of you doing some pre-wedding fun photography with them. Perhaps you might have fun coming up with creative ways to use those photographs -- designing the wedding invitation (if DD and future spouse would like you to do that), or as part of the table place cards, or as part of you-design-it-and-print-it thank you cards...Good luck in your wedding ideas research, and especially wishing all of you the very BEST when it comes time to make a wedding a reality! Warmest regards, Lori D.

 

Edited July 28, 2019 by Lori D.

[Frances]

4 hours ago, Ottakee said:

One party favor I do still use is a 12 oz clear glass mug.  At the wedding they were each say out with a sticker with your name on them to designate where you were to sit.  Made it easy to know where to sit, which cup was yours if you wandered around and once we got home the sticker came right off.

I have used those mugs for years and are some of my favorites.

I’m curious about this tradition in some places of telling people where to sit. I don’t think I’ve ever been to a wedding where seating was assigned. I’ve seen a head table reserved for the bridal party and maybe another one for close family, but never assigned seats for everyone. What’s the purpose of assigning seats?

[teachermom2834]

I vote for assigned seats. Otherwise can be so awkward trying to figure out where to sit. Last one like that dh and I almost didn’t get seats together. I am generally very laid back about formal events but I am so grateful for assigned seating! 

 

[Lori D.]

11 minutes ago, Frances said:

I’m curious about this tradition in some places of telling people where to sit. I don’t think I’ve ever been to a wedding where seating was assigned. I’ve seen a head table reserved for the bridal party and maybe another one for close family, but never assigned seats for everyone. What’s the purpose of assigning seats?

Not Ottakee, but I've seen assigned tables for all the guests at many wedding receptions in my area -- assigned seats not as much.

I would guess the reason might be to make sure you have accounted for all your guests, and have ordered enough tables and chairs with the venue?? Or to make sure that the relatives of the bride and groom are seated closest to them? Perhaps with assigned seats, it makes it easier for the wait staff to serve you the correct choice of entree, as I have several times attended a wedding reception where DH and I had to check in advance on the RSVP card which of the 2 entrees we wanted to have at the reception.

[marbel]

17 minutes ago, Frances said:

I’m curious about this tradition in some places of telling people where to sit. I don’t think I’ve ever been to a wedding where seating was assigned. I’ve seen a head table reserved for the bridal party and maybe another one for close family, but never assigned seats for everyone. What’s the purpose of assigning seats?

I think maybe half the wedding receptions I have been to have assigned seating.  I think the idea is to make it more comfortable to the guests - to be sure there is a place for a couple/family to sit together, to seat people with friends or at least people with whom they might be compatible.  So, if someone invites, say, 6 coworkers to their wedding, and the coworkers are unlikely to know other guests, they will seat them together.  At one wedding my husband and I went to, we were seated with friends of the bride's family with whom she thought we'd have things in common to talk about (beyond "how do you know the bride/groom?") This also helps avoid the awkwardness of a couple/family group choosing a table and finding themselves alone at it if there are more tables than needed and no one chooses to sit with them.   

ETA:  re awkwardness:  or, worse, locating a table with some people already at it, but some apparently empty spots, only to be told that the spots are saved and then having to wander around looking for a place to sit again. 

Edited July 28, 2019 by marbel

[Faith-manor]

The purpose of assigned seating - or at least assigned tables - is often due to plated meals where the guests were supposed to RSVP their choice of entree. This is so that a seating chart can be created for the waitstaff that says "table 9 seat 1 gets chicken, seat 2 gets pork chop" or whatever. It isn't necessary for buffet meals. Now that said, you do pay less if you have a firm RSVP policy no matter what so that you can give a fairly accurate headcount to the caterer/restaurant. They will otherwise always cook for the entirety of your guest list so if you invite 300, they'll cook for 300 and they'll add upwards of 25 - 50 to that number for buffet food because of how many people take way more than their fair share seeing a wedding buffet as being "All you can eat at Old Country Buffet".  As a general rule, if 2/3 of the guest list live within two hours of the venue, then a good rule of thumb is that you'll have about 80% attendance. However, the caterer cannot absolutely count on that and doesn't want to run out of food - unless it was the caterer for our DD's wedding, and seriously, really just check out the reviews, ask a ton of questions, find out if there have been complaints with the BBB - so with an accurate headcount, you will pay for a lot of over cooking. A lot of people do not like the RSVP thing. They don't want to be bothered to return it, so if you can make it easy for them by accepting a text, email, facebook message, etc. that helps. And well, for old grandma and grandpa, probably you should just call yourselves and say, "Hey are you coming, and if so, do you want the chicken or the fish?" or whatever.

Not a fan of those expensive save the dates. However, sometimes people do want something on their fridge to remind them "don't plan something else for this weekend" so if you think they are necessary, do what we did. We took a nice black and white photo of our dearies, used the sepia coloring in paint.net, loaded it into a 4x6 template that came with the software, faded out the edges (and all of this wasn't that hard, you can probably find a very tech savvy teen to do it if you are unsure", put the date on their, and mailed them out.  Just remember, if you have 150 addresses, that's 75.00 in stamps plus the cost of the cardstock and envelopes. Nothing is cheap anymore. But that's a much more budget friendly way to do it than hiring professional graphics artists or printers. Also check out places like vistaprint. With a 50% off sale, you could use one of their designs, upload a photo, and potentially get invitations for as low as 38 cents a piece. That might be worth it to you to not have to do a bunch of design work yourself. They are higher quality than Walmart.

 

[Guest]

42 minutes ago, Frances said:

I’m curious about this tradition in some places of telling people where to sit. I don’t think I’ve ever been to a wedding where seating was assigned. I’ve seen a head table reserved for the bridal party and maybe another one for close family, but never assigned seats for everyone. What’s the purpose of assigning seats?

One benefit in assigning seats is that it gives guests direction. They’re not wandering around, wondering if they can sit here or there or wherever. It’s also helpful in any instance where certain guests aren’t likely to mix much with certain other guests, like if there has been a divorce. 

I have been to weddings with both assigned seating an not assigned. I had a negative experience at a not assigned. Dh and I were wandering around, wondering where to sit when we came up to one of the farthest tables that appeared to be unoccupied except for one guy and his lady. Dh said, “do you mind if we sit here,” of course, never imagining the answer could be anything but, “not at all!” Well, that’s not what the guy said. He said something astoundingly rude about he hoped we weren’t big talkers or anything. In a short while, he also abandoned the table altogether. It was crazy! 

[May]

Beware of the seating chart🙄Apparently, the further away you sear your guests from the bride and groom, means they are less valued guests🙄My DD’s mother-in-law asked to see the seating chart. She then, through her son, told him too many of their side of the family where seated too far away from the bride and groom😳 So adjustments were made to please them. She also didn’t like who I included at the head table. My DD’s MIL, is a friend that I have had for over 30 years. One would think that our two kids getting married would be a joyful event. Unfortunately, our relationship has suffered😢 

 

 

 

[Liz CA]

14 minutes ago, May said:

Beware of the seating chart🙄Apparently, the further away you sear your guests from the bride and groom, means they are less valued guests🙄My DD’s mother-in-law asked to see the seating chart. She then, through her son, told him too many of their side of the family where seated too far away from the bride and groom😳 So adjustments were made to please them. She also didn’t like who I included at the head table. My DD’s MIL, is a friend that I have had for over 30 years. One would think that our two kids getting married would be a joyful event. Unfortunately, our relationship has suffered😢 

 

 

I am so sorry that a single day and event has damaged your friendship.

This is in part why I am all for eloping. Cut out the drama, get the legal stuff done and move forward.

[shawthorne44]

For venue, the most important considerations were a) comfort of guests (so no outdoors) and b) ability to do our own catering.  You can hire helper(s) 

For example, a good friend of mine is a wedding photographer.  The best idea he saw for self-catering was fajitas.  The tortillas and meat were wrapped into tubes which had been heated in a roaster.  Then there was crock-pots of beans, rice and onions/peppers.  Then the unheated toppings.   You can fit a couple of hundred fajitas in one roaster.  

I did my own flowers.  They were arrived on Tuesday for the Saturday wedding.  It takes an artiste to make sparse flowers look pretty.   But, ample flowers can just be plunked into a vase.  My MIL and nieces enjoyed assisting with that. 
 

[Storygirl]

An idea for flowers -- I was a bridesmaid in a wedding, where we each carried one silk calla lily. While I wouldn't recommend that, exactly, it made me think. Calla lilies are very elegant. If your daughter likes them, she could have each bridesmaid carry a small bouquet of three lilies (real, not faux) tied with ribbon. Inexpensive, yet elegant. And then the bride's bouquet can be more elaborate, with roses, etc., but also have some lilies in it.

Picking smaller bouquets will definitely be a way to reduce the price, and the flowers can still be beautiful.

[Lori D.]

4 hours ago, Faith-manor said:

...Not a fan of those expensive save the dates. However, sometimes people do want something on their fridge to remind them "don't plan something else for this weekend" ... Just remember, if you have 150 addresses, that's 75.00 in stamps plus the cost of the cardstock and envelopes...

I'm with you -- I still scratch my head over those things... Why not just send the invitation out 3-4 months in advance like people used to do, and use the invite on the fridge as the reminder??  And since couples have to settle on a date and book their venue 4-8 months in advance, might as well just send the invitation early and let the be the "save the date" AND the invite...

Or if needing to do a "Save The Date", a DIY photo postcard through Costco is less than $.50/each + $.35 each for postage. Then again, emails or facebook "Save The Date" posts are free. (:D

We've received a few of these DIY photo postcards in recent years that WERE the invitation, and you went to either a website or an email address to rsvp.  Much more environmentally friendly without the extra envelope and paper wastage -- and much more apt to save the invite afterwards since it had a nice photo of the couple on it...

Edited July 28, 2019 by Lori D.

[SereneHome]

On 7/27/2019 at 12:33 PM, Quill said:

I know we have talked about this before and I know it varies greatly by region, but I want to bring up my own thread about how to do this. Oh, and I know “normal” also varies drastically, but I mean a wedding with probably 100-150 guests, with the features that are usually involved in weddings where I live: semi-formal to formal attire, flowers, reception with tables with linens and preferably not paper/plastic dinnerware, a meal, a dessert, photography, music/dj, drinks, dancing and a little favor gift for each attendee. 

One thing I wonder: how does one begin to try to identify a location that isn’t expensive? Especially since some venues have hidden rules like you have to use their caterers, or they charge more for a wedding than, say, a reunion. It’s really hard for me to be the least bit deceptive, but it seems sensible to me to call places (or have another person call) and ask as if it is a reunion of some sort, then call again for a wedding price, just to see if there is an upcharge for weddings. I have heard this about desserts, too. 

So sprinkle me with ideas. I have strong DIY tendencies, but I also know that DIYing for your own child’s wedding is really not simple and I have heard some horror stories, like someone who made hundreds of cupcakes before realizing she didn’t have a way to actually transport 200 cupcakes, nevermind that every horizontal surface in her house had cupcakes on it! 😂 When I got married in 1994, my very clever sister made all my flowers, though they were artificial, which made it fairly simple to do them ahead of time. 

Sorry, I can't read the entire thread, but just waned to throw in things that I did.  Where I am from there is no such thing as DYI weddings!!!  It's all very formal

I never mentioned the word "wedding" when looking for a venue. I kept saying "event" while asking all about the pricing and rules. Big question was if we can bring our own alcohol. As a matter of fact, I didn't mention the word wedding while ordering our cake either.

I bought my own flowers in the supermarket (pre-ordered) and we didn't have flowers at the tables, we had little fish tanks with gold fish that people could take home. that worked for us bc my husband had a fish tank at home, so if there was a left over fish, it would be fine.  Goldfish is super cheap and I got little vases in Michaels for almost nothing.

I shopped for a dress on-line and then asked local place to match the price. They did.

We had a DJ, not a band.

We had a sit down formal dinner.  It was a restaurant that had a separate "event" room. I think food is much cheaper that way vs catering.

That's all I can think of right now

[HS Mom in NC]

8 hours ago, Frances said:

I’m curious about this tradition in some places of telling people where to sit. I don’t think I’ve ever been to a wedding where seating was assigned. I’ve seen a head table reserved for the bridal party and maybe another one for close family, but never assigned seats for everyone. What’s the purpose of assigning seats?

Sometimes it's about keeping guests with complicated histories away from each other, otherwise there could be a scene.

[vonfirmath]

On 7/27/2019 at 11:50 AM, Thatboyofmine said:

Well, for the venue, what about your own church?   It may be free or a small fee, since you’re a member.   If they have a reception hall, even better.   I got married way back in 2000, at my own church.  My mom gave the pastor a ‘tip’, if you will.    He didn’t charge us.   Also, that church allowed alcohol at weddings and dancing, so don’t count out a church wedding if you’re wanting all that.  (This church was episcopal)

 

 

Note alcohol makes a wedding more expensive ll on its own. Sometimes you do have to make choices to keep the cost down.

 

[HS Mom in NC]

I would caution against in your mind equating traditional (the wedding you describe) with "normal" (in your title.) Traditional weddings are not the norm anymore in most parts of the country. Traditional is one of the many different wedding styles nation wide. Non-traditional family structures, student loan debt, eco-friendliness/minimalism, nones, the internet, and other factors are fueling rapid social change and weddings.  Take the advice of the Ancient Chinese, "If you want a happy life, make friends with change." Be genuinely completely OK with whatever your kids decide to do about getting married.  IF you struggle with that (you may not) you should see a professional therapist for a short time to get at why exactly that is and how to change your mind about it for the sake of the relationship.  My traditional mother has 4 granddaughters. 3 are married. Her insistence of traditional in most things being right or better has resulted in her not being invited to any of their weddings.  She was only invited to one of their receptions. The last granddaughter is by far the least traditional of the 4, so odds aren't good Mom will be invited to that one if it happens. She has no relationship with any of them as they've become adults because of her rigid attitude.

It doesn't matter what the norm is your area. It matters what the bride and groom want and what the budget allows.

[vonfirmath]

On 7/27/2019 at 3:58 PM, Quill said:

I feel like this wouldn’t work when people are coming from a bit of a drive away. There’s not enough time. So, like, say the wedding starts at 7:00 pm, in order to make it like, “we’re not feeding y’all dinner!” Then, people who have an hour’s drive have to have eaten before 6? And people in the wedding party itself would need to be done eating before then, even. 

I don’t mean to sound antagonistic; I know you’re only trying to help. 

 

Our wedding had no sit down dinner, so the wedding was at 2p to make it NOT a meal time.  Some people had come from very far away. My in-laws went out to dinner with their side and my parents went out to dinner with their side (Burger KIng I believe since kids were involved) and everyone else went home.

[vonfirmath]

On 7/27/2019 at 8:57 PM, teachermom2834 said:

A wedding I went to recently had succulents as a favor. They were very nice but hardly anyone took them! I kept thinking how bad they would feel to have gone to that trouble and seen them left behind. 

But your idea is fantastic. Very classy and also serves a function and people will be much more likely to actually take it with their name on it. And one per couple is appropriate and a cost saver. Very nice idea and very classy and not wasteful.

 

I would leave them behind. Or, if necessary, take and throw away.

 

[vonfirmath]

10 hours ago, Frances said:

I’m curious about this tradition in some places of telling people where to sit. I don’t think I’ve ever been to a wedding where seating was assigned. I’ve seen a head table reserved for the bridal party and maybe another one for close family, but never assigned seats for everyone. What’s the purpose of assigning seats?

 

My husband's cousin did it to assure that people sat with people they did not know, instead of batching up only with people they already knew. It was okay but did not form any special bonds. would have been nice to be able to spend the time with people I actually knew and would care about a year from then.

 

[Carol in Cal.]

8 hours ago, Storygirl said:

An idea for flowers -- I was a bridesmaid in a wedding, where we each carried one silk calla lily. While I wouldn't recommend that, exactly, it made me think. Calla lilies are very elegant. If your daughter likes them, she could have each bridesmaid carry a small bouquet of three lilies (real, not faux) tied with ribbon. Inexpensive, yet elegant. And then the bride's bouquet can be more elaborate, with roses, etc., but also have some lilies in it.

Picking smaller bouquets will definitely be a way to reduce the price, and the flowers can still be beautiful.

I love calla lilies, but DH hates them because he associates them with funerals—one calla lily in the deceased’s hands in the coffin was traditional when he was growing up.  Just be aware that some others may feel that way.

[Guest]

7 hours ago, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

I would caution against in your mind equating traditional (the wedding you describe) with "normal" (in your title.) Traditional weddings are not the norm anymore in most parts of the country. Traditional is one of the many different wedding styles nation wide. Non-traditional family structures, student loan debt, eco-friendliness/minimalism, nones, the internet, and other factors are fueling rapid social change and weddings.  Take the advice of the Ancient Chinese, "If you want a happy life, make friends with change." Be genuinely completely OK with whatever your kids decide to do about getting married.  IF you struggle with that (you may not) you should see a professional therapist for a short time to get at why exactly that is and how to change your mind about it for the sake of the relationship.  My traditional mother has 4 granddaughters. 3 are married. Her insistence of traditional in most things being right or better has resulted in her not being invited to any of their weddings.  She was only invited to one of their receptions. The last granddaughter is by far the least traditional of the 4, so odds aren't good Mom will be invited to that one if it happens. She has no relationship with any of them as they've become adults because of her rigid attitude.

It doesn't matter what the norm is your area. It matters what the bride and groom want and what the budget allows.

I get that, but it’s not a mysterious unknown what my dd might want for a wedding. There is an outside chance she might say, “you know, I’m not really interested in all this heck; we’re going to do a destination wedding,” or, I suppose, it’s possible she might decide on something non-traditional when the actual planning begins. If that happens, I’m fine with that. But I think the liklihood of it is low and so far, she wants a traditional wedding. I used “normal” because I need to know strategies for this kind of wedding, in this area of the country. 

I do think it matters what the norm is for my area, because vendors of wedding services expect a certain (high) price point, so if one doesn’t know that beforehand, it can immediately cost much more than $10k just for the venue, catering, and alcohol. Lots of venues box you in and you can’t bring your own food or drinks or “staff”. Another reason norms are important is because certain options don’t exist here that do exist in other regions, for example, the church-lady wedding, where the pastor is happy to donate his officiating and the church fellowship hall and kitchen are free or practically free.

 

[Guest]

16 hours ago, Faith-manor said:

Not a fan of those expensive save the dates. However, sometimes people do want something on their fridge to remind them "don't plan something else for this weekend" so if you think they are necessary, do what we did. We took a nice black and white photo of our dearies, used the sepia coloring in paint.net, loaded it into a 4x6 template that came with the software, faded out the edges (and all of this wasn't that hard, you can probably find a very tech savvy teen to do it if you are unsure", put the date on their, and mailed them out.  Just remember, if you have 150 addresses, that's 75.00 in stamps plus the cost of the cardstock and envelopes. Nothing is cheap anymore. But that's a much more budget friendly way to do it than hiring professional graphics artists or printers. Also check out places like vistaprint. With a 50% off sale, you could use one of their designs, upload a photo, and potentially get invitations for as low as 38 cents a piece. That might be worth it to you to not have to do a bunch of design work yourself. They are higher quality than Walmart.

I like this idea.

i do like Save the Date cards, though I wouldn’t sink a ton of money into it. I think the main reason people do Save the Dates instead of just doing the invitation early is because the details may not be set yet and you don’t want to rush the wedding details so you can get the actual invitation out months ahead. I think if dd does want a June wedding - or really if she wants any summer date - StDs are helpful so people don’t plan their vacations on that date. 

It won’t be 150 addressees, even if it’s 150 guests. Most invitations cover at least two guests at each address. 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

6 hours ago, Carol in Cal. said:

I love calla lilies, but DH hates them because he associates them with funerals—one calla lily in the deceased’s hands in the coffin was traditional when he was growing up.  Just be aware that some others may feel that way.

Agree. Calla lilies are for death, not for brides. I just looked it up, and evidently some people like them in bridal bouquets, but that just looked really wrong to me...elegant and beautiful but macabre.

I found one "meaning of flowers" site that says calla lilies have "come to mean" marriage, purity, resurrection. So I guess things have changed? But they surely did mean funeral and resurrection, for a long, long time.

Edit: OK, I guess Katherine Hepburn, in "Stage Door," had a line about calla lilies being a strange flower because they are suitable for any occasion, from wedding to funeral.

Edited July 29, 2019 by Lang Syne Boardie

[Ausmumof3]

I haven’t read through all the replies so forgive if I’m repeating or any of this is irrelevant to your location

Community type halls or churches tend to be the cheapest option here I think.  You do need to make sure your caterers are happy with the kitchen facilities.  If you are happy to drive some of the rural ones can be a bit cheaper and nice.

quite a lot of people through our church tend to volunteer/take on a bit of a role of some type or other from catering to flowers to photography.

Friday nights and weekday weddings are becoming increasingly popular due to the cost saving and availability.

some people have joy with those online bridal/bridesmaid type dresses

a lot of people will higher a high quality photographer for a short chunk of the day then ask friends with an enthusiasm for amateur photography to do extra cover.  This works well because if for some reason you find your professional doesn’t do it the way you like you still get some other nice photos. 

Dh wanted a specific car for ours that’s hard to hire.  He contacted the local car club and there were a couple of guys very keen to do a nice Saturday rural drive, and be gifted some nice wine to drink.  We tried to be generous with the drinks and the drivers seemed really happy and to enjoy the day out.  I guess there’s always the risk you could get a really unsafe driver but we were lucky.

I know some people who really have done it mostly themselves and it wasn’t terribly stressful.  They are extremely organised.  I know for me that would be super stressful. But if you’re good at organising don’t rule it out.

[Guest]

35 minutes ago, Ausmumof3 said:

Dh wanted a specific car for ours that’s hard to hire.  He contacted the local car club and there were a couple of guys very keen to do a nice Saturday rural drive, and be gifted some nice wine to drink.  We tried to be generous with the drinks and the drivers seemed really happy and to enjoy the day out.  I guess there’s always the risk you could get a really unsafe driver but we were lucky.

That is a really cute idea! 

I know when I got married, since my budget was tiny and cars didn’t matter much to me, that is one place we saved money. We rode in FIL’s Cadillac. 

[Ellie]

Do a small wedding--immediate family, best friends--and a larger reception at your house.

[May]

Weddings, off season, can also be less expensive. Our daughter got married April 1st and the county club and photographer had off season rates. My DH’s niece got married during the Christmas holiday. The church was alright decorated so she saved there. We did give a gift of money to our DD to spend how they wanted. DD and SIL had attended many weddings prior to theirs. As a result, they had ideas they weren’t willing to compromise on😕 Some things she didn’t do, save the date cards, gifts for out of town guests, who stayed at the designated hotel, party favors, had of choice of 3 entrees, flowers in season and there wasn’t a whole lot. Things they did that added to the cost: open bar, had it on a Saturday. She was fortunate in that she had a friend do her makeup and hair, bridesmaids gifts(4) were under $20 ( a Japanese robe, where she was living) and the biggest gift from a friend was doing all the table centerpieces. They easily would have cost $100 each if professionally done. They had about 120 people and spent about $20,000. The wedding was in NOVA, not exactly a less expensive location.

Edited July 29, 2019 by May
Additional info

[Guest]

6 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

I thought about this thread as I was perusing Craigslist.  There was an ad for multiple lengths of muslin.  There were 23 lengths each, about 2ft by 13 ft.  These were unbleached muslin and I was looking at it for crafting purposes.  But, as it turns out, these had been used to cover hay bales (the rectangular shaped ones) for a wedding.  So, rows and rows of hay bales, covered with muslin, used as seating for the outdoor wedding.  

The listing was $165 for just the strips of muslin.  Given that it was on CL and that they were "used" (even if that was just once) and also knowing what fabric costs, that alone probably cost the family like $200 to $250, just for the covering on the hay bales.  A super quick google shows hay bales are about $4 a pop in this area, so if I run some REAL rough numbers on that, that means close to $1k, JUST for seating, for the ceremony.  That's not even seating for the reception, I assume, because the pic showed these bales lined up for the ceremony and I can't really imagine requiring guests to sit on hay bales to eat dinner.

It made me think how sometimes DIY and trying to be "rustic" and so on.........can cost more.  I mean if you happen to have 160+ bales of hay and 300ft of 2ft wide muslin hanging around, (and if you live on a farm, you just might have one or the other) then yeah, go for it.  But if you have to BUY all the stuff to make it "look" rustic and DIY.....that's probably going to be pretty expensive.  

Yes, but they might have had it. My nephew and his bride got married at the parent’s rural cattle farm and the ceremony had legit hay bales (not covered) for seating. They had some actual chairs for the grandmas, but most everyone else sat on hay bales. The reception was in a tent and those were chairs they presumably rented. 

[Guest]

3 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

Sure, as I said, they certainly COULD have had it.  If a person HAS a situation that lends itself to ABC or XYZ and that is frugal....go for it.  Whether that's using hay bales on the farm that you already own, or utilizing the a museum space at the museum you already work at, or utilizing the church you are a member of.  Utilizing what you HAVE is generally going to be pretty frugal.  I only mention it because that doesn't really sound like the situation you are in while trying to thinking these things out.  

Now, if your nephew's parents (your siblings, your spouses siblings?) are going to allow you access to the rural cattle farm and the legit hay bales and stuff for your DD's wedding, really, that could be a huge cost savings.  And as I said before, that sort of outdoor location would lend itself pretty well to DIY food....maybe some sort of big barbecue etc.  That's a setting where things like plastic plates and such wouldn't be seen as outside of the norm, and overall could save quite a bit of money if you have access to it.  

It was my nephew’s in-laws’ cattle farm. That wedding was great and the bride’s family DIY’d a lot of it. The dinner was beef - duh! 😂 It was one of my favorite weddings because it was fun and all the kids were invited. 

My nephew and his wife have recently built an event barn on the property, which they rent out for weddings and other events. (We wouldn’t likely use it, though, because it’s too far away for our family and friends.) 

[prairiewindmomma]

Quill—you asked specifically about venues. I am sure you are aware of the well advertised spots, but I would also ask/look up local farms & wineries, historical sites, bed & breakfasts. Draw a map and work through google maps and scout via car. Tent, table and linen rental can be a total budget killer....you’re looking for a deal on *those* as part of a package rental more than the location.

Realistically, though, there’s a reason that traditional weddings typically run $25k minimum. Perhaps doing a mock-up budget would bring clarity to priorities for the bride?

[moonflower]

you might also look around at semi-local state parks; my sister got married at a state park in Iowa that she had to reserve a full year ahead of time but the facility for the day (which was beautiful, sat 140, on a lake, and they set up the ceremony outside and had the reception inside the lodge) was $200.  You do have to look welllllll ahead of time for places like that but she needed a year to pay for the rest of the wedding anyway.  This is what it looks like (set up for someone else's wedding but the idea was the same): 

[Junie]

I know someone getting married later this year.  Because of this thread I looked up the cost of the venue.  The venue ALONE is $10,000.  :svengo: 

[Faith-manor]

1 hour ago, Junie said:

I know someone getting married later this year.  Because of this thread I looked up the cost of the venue.  The venue ALONE is $10,000.  :svengo: 

Falling over......

Good grief. Then again, if money had not been an issue, I'd have loved to throw a wedding reception inside the Henry Ford Museum. (I'm such a geek!)

My niece's parents spent $33,000 on her wedding. I think one of the things that made my head explode was the $8000 Vera Wang dress she bought, decided she didn't like, and couldn't return. She didn't ask her parents for more money, she just then got a LOAN and bought a different dress to the tune of $9500. Blew.my.mind.

It's a lot of crazy I don't seem to have the constitution to embrace without feeling a bit judgy.

[Guest]

9 hours ago, Junie said:

I know someone getting married later this year.  Because of this thread I looked up the cost of the venue.  The venue ALONE is $10,000.  :svengo: 

Yes, that does not surprise me one bit. 

I should update by saying my sister’s dd just got married (in Maryland) on Sunday and it turned out well. I expect to pick my sister’s brain some about costs, but from the bits I know, these items helped keep costs down:

* The beautiful venue is part of the public park system for that county, so it was less expensive and not exclusive AFA vendors. They also got a discount because bride and groom live in that county. 

* The food was catered by Mission BBQ. It was good! I just used Mission BBQ for my dd’s grad party, so I know what the pricing is for this. It’s doable. They did have plastic dinnerware, which I might not be willing to accept myself. But then again, who knows, maybe, when I see how much more real dishes and utensils could cost. 

* The bride has worked at a restaurant for several years. Her friends from the restaurant tended bar. I doubt this means it was free, but I’m sure it helped with costs. 

* For the cocktail “hour” (probably twenty minutes or so), the food available was Costco-type stuff, trays and platters of fruits, veggies, cheeses, cips and chocolates. 

The flowers were gorgeous. I am not sure where those came from, but they did not appear to be discounted or DIY’d. They had a DJ running songs from his computer; I am not sure if he was a paid vendor or a friend. This was one element that was a little sub-par because there wasn’t mic-ing for anything. 

[teachermom2834]

We went to wedding recently in a rustic barn venue. It was very nice and what I would consider a normal wedding with all the traditional makings. 

They did have disposable plates and silverware but it wasn’t like foam plates and white plastic utensils you buy a hundred to a box at Walmart. I honestly didn’t even notice they were disposable until midway through the meal when another lady pointed out how nice they were. The utensils were in a rose gold kind of color. Really nice. 

[ktgrok]

9 hours ago, Faith-manor said:

Falling over......

Good grief. Then again, if money had not been an issue, I'd have loved to throw a wedding reception inside the Henry Ford Museum. (I'm such a geek!)

My niece's parents spent $33,000 on her wedding. I think one of the things that made my head explode was the $8000 Vera Wang dress she bought, decided she didn't like, and couldn't return. She didn't ask her parents for more money, she just then got a LOAN and bought a different dress to the tune of $9500. Blew.my.mind.

It's a lot of crazy I don't seem to have the constitution to embrace without feeling a bit judgy.

I....I may need smelling salts. Or a sedative. 17,500 on dresses?!?!?!?!?!?!!?

My first dress came from a small bridal shop, and was about $350. My second dress, a decade later, came from eBay and was new, gorgeous, and $300. I did have to pay for alternations, which was about $100, maybe less. 

Blowing nearly a new car's equivalent on one day's outfit? I just can't even...

[vonfirmath]

1 hour ago, seekinghim45 said:

I haven't read all of your replies, but I don't think you will find all of that for what you want.  Even if we had the wedding at our church, served cake and punch ( no fee since a member and use their dishes..would pay 150 bucks each for two maids to clean for us), had a dress, flowers, photographer, etc.  I'm thinking the cost would be 5-7,000 just for that.  

 

 

This was pretty much our wedding, 15 years ago. And we paid $6K (including the cost of my husband's ring).  Our biggest single expense was the photographer ($1K? Maybe $1200) because I wanted good photos and I do not regret that. The church was not the one we were attending but the one I had attended up until the point I met the groom and had worked AWANAs, typed up their music for their bulletin, etc. So I had relationships there.  We gave a love offering to the church, paid for cleaning, a love offering to our pastor who then came over and enjoyed the reception because he wasn't just a hired hand. (The reception was held in the same building) Him and his wife were our friends as well. (in fact, they were fairly newly married themselves and we were their first wedding!)  We hired the photographer for two hours only. So she did the before ceremony pictures and during the ceremony itself. She was the wife of my best friend's ex-husband though and also went into the reception and got a few pictures there. My best friend's oldest catered our appetizers and made our cake. And it was beautiful (And I don't think she charged us enough!) We had Dollar Store disposable plates, napkins, etc. And everything could be thrown away at the end.  Since someone else was doing the cleanup I didn't want it to be difficult for them.

 

I bought all the fabric with coupons on sale (About $300 all told for 3 bridesmaids, 1 flower girl, 1 bride) and the bridesmaid dresses, the flower girl dress, and my dress were all hand made (some by my dad, some by one of my bridesmaid's mom, who also made our wedding quilt that was used for decoration -- and again did not charge enough I realized after the fact -- i think I paid her $200 for the dresses she made and $100 for the quilt) My dad and husband rented tuxes but I'm not sure about the rest of the groomsmen.  My husband's dad is big into the music scene and a semi-professional trumpet player so he did a lot of the music needing that. I also had a piano player friend who accompanied and sang the solo I wanted "Love in Any Language" (I wanted my sister to sing it but she didn't want to sing at my wedding. Just like my husband's sister did not want to play violin at his wedding. So we moved on)

My Uncle used my dad's videocamera to get a VCR tape of the ceremony.  We eventually transferred it to DVD.

We bought our flowers from QFC And my husband's aunts used the flowers and ribbon I'd been collecting to decorate beautifully the sanctuary.  No sit down dinner so no centerpieces necessary. the major decoration in the reception was the quilt I'd had made for our wedding bed on a PVC pipe frame my dad made.  I'm fairly sure the tableclothes were Dollar store plastic. Though they may have been stuff the church had.

I had a staffed nursery and paid a friend to come and watch the kids of our bridal party, etc during the ceremony. I did have games for the kids to play during the reception.

No alcohol. Too expensive and not necessary.  No D.J. and No dancing -- it just wasn't a thing in my picture of my wedding (and if I could do it differently, this is probably the thing I'd change -- some kind of entertainment for the reception to keep it going longer.  No favors for the adult.

 

Edited July 30, 2019 by vonfirmath

[moonflower]

44 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

I....I may need smelling salts. Or a sedative. 17,500 on dresses?!?!?!?!?!?!!?

My first dress came from a small bridal shop, and was about $350. My second dress, a decade later, came from eBay and was new, gorgeous, and $300. I did have to pay for alternations, which was about $100, maybe less. 

Blowing nearly a new car's equivalent on one day's outfit? I just can't even...

 

In theory I'd say it's just an income difference - someone from rural Guatemala might say, blowing a whole month's salary on one day's outfit!?

But she did take out a loan for the second dress, so clearly while she's working with a lot more money than you and I, it's not like zillions.

[Faith-manor]

18 minutes ago, moonflower said:

 

In theory I'd say it's just an income difference - someone from rural Guatemala might say, blowing a whole month's salary on one day's outfit!?

But she did take out a loan for the second dress, so clearly while she's working with a lot more money than you and I, it's not like zillions.

Right. At the time, she was not making a huge amount. Her fiance was, but apparently she didn't want to ask him. Her dad was loaded, like seriously, 30,000 was a drop in the bucket to him. I think he'd have paid for the second dress if she would have asked. But her parents are divorced, and its not amicable, so I think she wanted to avoid more drama. The thing was, the other dress was $8000...I mean, just wear it. Good grief. What a prima dona thing! It was absolutely gorgeous, but she decided it wasn't her "look".

So far outside the realm of my "normal" for sure.

[vonfirmath]

1 minute ago, Faith-manor said:

Right. At the time, she was not making a huge amount. Her fiance was, but apparently she didn't want to ask him. Her dad was loaded, like seriously, 30,000 was a drop in the bucket to him. I think he'd have paid for the second dress if she would have asked. But her parents are divorced, and its not amicable, so I think she wanted to avoid more drama. The thing was, the other dress was $8000...I mean, just wear it. Good grief. What a prima dona thing! It was absolutely gorgeous, but she decided it wasn't her "look".

So far outside the realm of my "normal" for sure.

 

Until I saw The Lord of the Rings movie and fell in love with the dress one of the girls wears (On a balcony, looking out over a battle? I think it was the third movie). I had been going to go to a department store and buy a long white dress. I'd seen one I really liked a few years before  so it would just be a matter of finding something that fit.

[Faith-manor]

3 minutes ago, vonfirmath said:

 

Until I saw The Lord of the Rings movie and fell in love with the dress one of the girls wears (On a balcony, looking out over a battle? I think it was the third movie). I had been going to go to a department store and buy a long white dress. I'd seen one I really liked a few years before  so it would just be a matter of finding something that fit.

Ya, and fit plus budget isn't always easy. For dd, being a size two, almost a zero but also being about 3" taller than most girls in that size range, fit and budget was a bit dicey. I never asked niece what she did with that Vera Wang. She was so stunning in it that is was shocking she chose not to wear it. I hope she sold it to someone who ended up adoring it. I'd hate to think it ended up in some fabric, recycling pile.

[fairfarmhand]

On 7/27/2019 at 3:22 PM, Quill said:

 

 

I think it’s fine to literally just have a music playlist and someone who can manage it (push play; push stop, etc.) but my experience of other weddings always had someone who announces the couple, provides a mic for toasts or speeches, mic if someone prays before the meal, and if there is someone directing activities, like, “Everyone get a sparkler and come outside to see the couple off!” Etc. I don’t know how you do those things unless you have a DJ. 

 

 

That doesn't necessarily have to be a professional DJ though. Search through your mental list of people and I bet there's someone who can manage this. You can offer to pay them a small stipend, and if the venue doesn't have a set up for microphones and such, you can get one to plug into a speaker system. There are some really really good speaker systems for very little money that have great sound and will fill a large space.

[fairfarmhand]

And I am so thankful that we belong to a church with a lovely venue, several options in fact. 

For the cost of some of these venues, I could donate the cost of building an outdoor gazebo or something to our church. In fact, we may do that. I do have three daughters, you know. :)