Expectations of young adults

[Scarlett]

Yesterday I was out of the house until about 2.  I have not been well....I have a sinus infection and had to get up on my day ‘off’ (ha) to go to the doctor.  Glad I went.  I got two shots, but anyway, I didn’t feel well.  I had planned on going to pick up some of my work so I would have it here at the house and be able to do it early this morning to make my day run easier.  I knew ds18 would be driving past my work about 4. I sent him a message at 2 and asked him if he would pick up my work.  He said ok. So I laid down and took a nap.  He forgot.  This causes me no small amount of trouble....not the end of the world but very much inconveniences me.  I didn’t say much but I am asking you all—-are incidents like this just things that happen to everyone.  I gave this small example, but thing seems like this happen all the time.  I had to wake him up yesterday....I happened to know he had a doctors appt and that’s he had to leave the house in 25 minutes.  He forgot what day it was.  He forgets to take the trash to the curb once a week.  He forgets to bring the trash can in from the curb.  

When I was contemplating whether I could take a nap and depend on my son to get the work for me I thought well I know he is in class...I could wait until I know he is on his way home to increase the chances he actually remembers..... but if I was going to wait around for 90 min to do that I could have just gone myself and been back home in 45 min...and the entire point was I needed  to rest! 

I guess I need to hear someone else say that his forgetfulness is ridiculous or that my expectations are too high.  

This is not some big serious post. Just rambling while I finish my coffee and head into town.  

[almondbutterandjelly]

You know, it's interesting, my dd18 would never do what your son did (forgetting and whatnot), but my dh might.  He would remedy it right away, but I could see him doing those things.

Executive function skills are so interesting.

[PeachyDoodle]

I personally would expect an 18yo to be able to remember that. However, I have always been a type A, organized kind of person and I realize that not all people are that way. I do think that by 18 it's time to start developing some mechanisms to help you if things like this are common occurrences.

[moonflower]

My DD13 would not do any of those things but I would do all of them.  I have poor executive function.  It has required deliberate strategies to ameliorate.

[Scarlett]

5 minutes ago, PeachyDoodle said:

I personally would expect an 18yo to be able to remember that. However, I have always been a type A, organized kind of person and I realize that not all people are that way. I do think that by 18 it's time to start developing some mechanisms to help you if things like this are common occurrences.

My son was upset with himself. He half heartedly offered to go back....but the shop would have been closed by then, I would have had to give him my key....and that is an entire other thing......I so fear he will fail to lock up or something.  I feel like my disappointment in him really bothers him.....lol...I told him one time his forgetfulness was a sign of just not caring about people....he said obviously that is not true because it would be much easier on him to just do it and avoid listening to me.  Soooo....that confuses me.  Is he really that Unable to remember?  Does he just want me to not ask and not complain?

As a comparison he is doing well in his cc classes.  He has all As.....he missed one deadline because he thought it was a midnight deadline but it was 9 pm....but he went to his teacher and she allowed him the extension and he retained his A.  He has missed. Like one class when there were tornados one day....but this week he would have missed his doctor appt and he also was an hour late to class because the class before it had been cancelled and he got confused in his head about the start of the second class.   I mean overall he is doing really well.... it I w dear if he is having to hyper focus on school to the detriment of everything else?  But then I remember he has been this way probably always.  

Kids.  People.  

[HS Mom in NC]

One of mine would be prone to that, but she uses her smartphone alarms and reminders for things and checklists too. Weekly reminders can be set up for getting the trash out and back in and going to the doctor, and an alarm can be set for taking a nap and leaving to get stuff to mom's work.

[LucyStoner]

Seems pretty typical to me but no one who lives here is neurotypical.  My 15 year old and my husband both have extensive workarounds in place for EF skills.  

[Scarlett]

14 minutes ago, perkybunch said:

You know, it's interesting, my dd18 would never do what your son did (forgetting and whatnot), but my dh might.  He would remedy it right away, but I could see him doing those things.

Executive function skills are so interesting.

My dh would not forget.  He tends to over commit, but he doesn’t forget what needs to be done.  And he absolutely would not have forgotten that request.  

[HS Mom in NC]

Just now, Scarlett said:

My son was upset with himself. He half heartedly offered to go back....but the shop would have been closed by then, I would have had to give him my key....and that is an entire other thing......I so fear he will fail to lock up or something.  I feel like my disappointment in him really bothers him.....lol...I told him one time his forgetfulness was a sign of just not caring about people....he said obviously that is not true because it would be much easier on him to just do it and avoid listening to me.  Soooo....that confuses me.  Is he really that Unable to remember?  Does he just want me to not ask and not complain?

 

The bolded isn't true at all.  You seem to be unaware of personality  types and executive functioning issues.   How is that possible after all this time on TWTM boards where these issues are frequently discussed?

[Scarlett]

8 minutes ago, moonflower said:

My DD13 would not do any of those things but I would do all of them.  I have poor executive function.  It has required deliberate strategies to ameliorate.

What kind of strategies? I make suggestions but they are things that work for me-but not him. 

[Scarlett]

Just now, Homeschool Mom in AZ said:

The bolded isn't true at all.  You seem to be unaware of personality  types and executive functioning issues.   How is that possible after all this time on TWTM boards where these issues are frequently discussed?

How it is possible after all your time reading  my posts that you don’t remember I asked questions like this when I want to double check my reactions to situations.  

[Scarlett]

I have suggested alarms on his smart phone.  He says he sets alarms but then he turns alarm off and still forgets to do it.  If he makes a written list he forgets to consult it.  

 

[Scarlett]

Dh suggested I wake ds up at 7 and have him go to town and get my work and return it to me before he goes to school.  But that just seems punitive and that isnt my desire or goal.  I want him to be thoughtful and to realize that his forgetting things like that cause people problems.  

Edited November 7, 2018 by Scarlett

[Rachel]

I would be frustrated too. I don’t have an 18 year old but I would bet part of if is the age and part of if is when things are outside of the normal routine (well maybe not the trash). 

I started dating my husband when we were 17, he became so much more responsible when he had his own home to take care of. He definitely helped around his parents home, but he didn’t take ownership of tasks until it affected him more directly. 

Right now my kids are still in that annoying can’t see things in front of their faces stage. “Take care of your dirty socks.”, “What socks?”, “The ones right there in front of you!” Then 10 minutes later I find the same socks in a different place, but not the hamper. Most of the time I’m certain they will outgrow it but some days I start losing hope. 

Give your son time, he still has the chance to become a thoughtful adult. 

[HS Mom in NC]

8 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

How it is possible after all your time reading  my posts that you don’t remember I asked questions like this when I want to double check my reactions to situations.  

I was addressing what you did say to your son.  If you had double checked before you spoke to him about it, you wouldn't have said such a hurtful thing to him.  I feel really bad for him. 

It may be time to talk about meds.  The smartphone and list suggestions aren't the only things a person an try, they're just what worked with my situation. There are medial professionals who can be consulted for a comprehensive list of options and referrals.

[EKS]

Both of my kids are like that.  The only cure is for them to move out.  At least then I don't have to deal with it all the time.

[PeachyDoodle]

22 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

My son was upset with himself. He half heartedly offered to go back....but the shop would have been closed by then, I would have had to give him my key....and that is an entire other thing......I so fear he will fail to lock up or something.  I feel like my disappointment in him really bothers him.....lol...I told him one time his forgetfulness was a sign of just not caring about people....he said obviously that is not true because it would be much easier on him to just do it and avoid listening to me.  Soooo....that confuses me.  Is he really that Unable to remember?  Does he just want me to not ask and not complain?

As a comparison he is doing well in his cc classes.  He has all As.....he missed one deadline because he thought it was a midnight deadline but it was 9 pm....but he went to his teacher and she allowed him the extension and he retained his A.  He has missed. Like one class when there were tornados one day....but this week he would have missed his doctor appt and he also was an hour late to class because the class before it had been cancelled and he got confused in his head about the start of the second class.   I mean overall he is doing really well.... it I w dear if he is having to hyper focus on school to the detriment of everything else?  But then I remember he has been this way probably always.  

Kids.  People.  

Yeah, it's probably compounded by his intense focus on school, but probably also just personality and at least some deficit in executive functioning skills.

FWIW, I too would *feel* as though he didn't care about me if he couldn't remember and do this simple favor, especially when I was sick. I might logically know that this is simply something he struggles with and not a reflection of his feelings for others. But staying on top of things is one of the ways I show my own care for those I love, and so in my mind the opposite is also true. So I understand the feeling (and also the feeling guilty for feeling that he doesn't care when he insists that isn't true). 

That he recognizes it as an issue is a good sign. He's probably embarrassed that he let you down and feels badly for it, so that's why he doesn't like for you to point it out. For the time being, I'd probably continue to encourage him to find strategies that help him stay on top of things, and I'd also let him fail (miss the doctor appointment, be late for class). And next time I needed him to do something for me, I'd ask him to implement a specific strategy to help him remember. "I need you to stop at the store and get milk this afternoon on your way home. Please set a reminder in your phone RIGHT NOW so that you will not forget."

[Bluegoat]

I think that sort of thing is very easy for certain personality types to forget.  I am like that actually though I am much better now - much to my consternation though I forgot my dd10's guitar lesson - for the second time.  For some reason it is in an awkward place in terms of my daily routine.

For me it comes from being very focused interiorly, and I tend not to notice what is going on around me much.  If I am driving, and it is a place I don't go as frequently but on a route I use a lot, I frequently end up following my nose and ending up in the place I usually go on that route.  

I'd suggest to your son that he needs to build up his skills in this area.  There are different strategies - for me it's important to have regular commitments in my routine - it can help to attach them to other events that I won't forget.  Say, I take out the garbage on the same night I watch a particular tv show that I like.  Doing things the same way every time can help, putting things is a place where you see them.  That is not so useful though for irregular commitments.  There are ways to try and remind yourself - it takes practice though and experience is the real teacher.

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, PeachyDoodle said:

Yeah, it's probably compounded by his intense focus on school, but probably also just personality and at least some deficit in executive functioning skills.

FWIW, I too would *feel* as though he didn't care about me if he couldn't remember and do this simple favor, especially when I was sick. I might logically know that this is simply something he struggles with and not a reflection of his feelings for others. But staying on top of things is one of the ways I show my own care for those I love, and so in my mind the opposite is also true. So I understand the feeling (and also the feeling guilty for feeling that he doesn't care when he insists that isn't true). 

That he recognizes it as an issue is a good sign. He's probably embarrassed that he let you down and feels badly for it, so that's why he doesn't like for you to point it out. For the time being, I'd probably continue to encourage him to find strategies that help him stay on top of things, and I'd also let him fail (miss the doctor appointment, be late for class). And next time I needed him to do something for me, I'd ask him to implement a specific strategy to help him remember. "I need you to stop at the store and get milk this afternoon on your way home. Please set a reminder in your phone RIGHT NOW so that you will not forget."

Thank you. This is helpful. 

[Bluegoat]

27 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Dh suggested I wake ds up at 7 and have him go to town and get my work and return it to me before he goes to school.  But that just seems punitive and that isnt my desire or goal.  I want him to be thoughtful and to realize that his forgetting things like that cause people problems.  

 

I don't know that I'd insist on this, but it might be a good thing for him to do on his own.  I do think even when a person struggles, it's often dealing with the fall-out that really drives finding solutions.  I suspect that's why learning to make it work so often comes after leaving home.  If he can make forgetting a real pain in the butt, he might improve the liklihood he'll remember some things.

[cjzimmer1]

My DS18 would not have remembered such a request either.  He can't remember to put a bag back into the garbage can after taking the garbage out or locking the door after going out.  He has unloaded the dishwasher every single morning for the last 3 years and I still have to remind him every single morning that I want it done.  These tasks are just not on his radar of "important" and so they slip from his memory.  He's not trying to be difficult it's just not what his brain retains.  

[regentrude]

My type A perfectionist DD would have remembered. My DS would have forgotten without several timely reminders.

[regentrude]

44 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

..I told him one time his forgetfulness was a sign of just not caring about people

Absolutely not true. It's an executive function issue. I am surrounded by young adults, and many of them forget things and end up hurting themselves. They care, they just can't get it together.

[Scarlett]

28 minutes ago, EKS said:

Both of my kids are like that.  The only cure is for them to move out.  At least then I don't have to deal with it all the time.

And I think that is what will need to happen.  When the things he misses daily are not right in my face (making his bed, getting wet wash clothes to the hamper, taking his glass off the table, taking out the trash when it is full, getting it to the curb, returning it to shop.) I won’t feel so annoyed.  I feel like he has a ridulous small list of household things that is asked of him. So my answer is to stop asking anything if him, continue to remind him constantly....shrug.  

I have stayed out of his school except when he brings papers to me or wants to talk about his teachers and classmates.  This after having  to micromanage him to get his high school work done.  I told him this summer I had held his hand for 12years and I was turning over the responsibility fully to him now to do his college work.  Which of course is how it should be...but I think that talk motivated him to do well in cc.  And he is doing well. I am very proud of him in so many ways.  But part of what I want to teach him has to do with caring about other people.  He needs to learn that regardless of his intent or motive, failing to do things for your loved ones is seen as you not caring about them. He needs to learn that there is a basic level of doing things a certain way when you live in your moms home.  He thinks making his bed is stupid and he does it maybe once a week if I don’t remind him.  I tell him when he has his own home he may choose to NEVER make his bed (because I am aware that a large segment of society indeed never makes their bed). But he lives here with other people who want beds made before you leave the house each day.  And the other few small things I ask of him.  

Edited November 7, 2018 by Scarlett

[Junie]

39 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Dh suggested I wake ds up at 7 and have him go to town and get my work and return it to me before he goes to school.  But that just seems punitive and that isnt my desire or goal.  I want him to be thoughtful and to realize that his forgetting things like that cause people problems.  

I understand you not wanting to punish your ds, but...

Your ds being inconvenienced by his mistake might be what it takes to get him to make a better effort to remember the next time.

[J-rap]

I have one who is like that.  Interestingly, he is also my perfectionist and most focused.  I do think it's a type of EF thing.  I feel sorry for him.  He tries so, so hard, and in a lot of areas (usually the most important ones) he over the top excels.  But his brain also has some major blind spots in it.  He is slowly learning to compensate with iPhone apps, but it doesn't come naturally or easily.  It's a very intentional effort.

[Scarlett]

8 minutes ago, regentrude said:

My type A perfectionist DD would have remembered. My DS would have forgotten without several timely reminders.

He is a perfectionist . But only on the things that matter to him.  Which I guess is how we all are.  

His dad went away to college when he was 18. He lasted one semester and flunked out.  He went to work and then a year later we got married and although he and I had many issues he took care of things and we had a really good division of labor figured out early on. I know it is different with a son than a husband though,  and maybe he will just figure it out when he moves out. I mean at least he isn’t flunking out his first semester of college.  I feel like he is doing as well as he is in part because he is home and I am taking care of him in ways I think he would f9get (like to eat) if he were at a dorm.  So I guess I need to remember that.  I told him we wanted him to be able to stay home while he finishes school so his life would be easier.  And that is what we have.  His life is easier, mine is not...lol

My mom said when he is no longer living here these things will not even be in my memory.  

[regentrude]

2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

My mom said when he is no longer living here these things will not even be in my memory.  

She is correct.

[MrsRobinson]

Reading this thread has helped me understand my dh so much better! He always acts like I've hurt his feelings and I don't care about him or he's not important to me when I forget something. I've never understood that! 

I always thought he was overreacting. To me, forgetting doesn't equal not caring. Something just fell out of my head. I'm sorry, let me do it now. Not caring would be doing something deliberately because I didn't care how it affected him.

And all the reminders, checklists, to do lists, calendars, and alarms I have going to keep me from forgetting things, have caused people to constantly tell me I'm so organized. Or the fact that my home is very minimalist in what's out and visible leads people to tell me I'm so clean.

Nope. I'm not organized, that's why I have all this support to tell me what to do. And no, I'm not clean, that's why I can't have things around. If I do, it will get out of control and I will be too overwhelmed to deal. But its only been very recently that I've been able to see those realities. Previously, I would just hear those things and be so confused as to why people would say that because I knew it wasn't true. I felt like a fraud. An unintentional fraud. 

Maybe your ds feels that way. He's told he's a perfectionist but all he hears is the "perfect" part, not really understanding what perfectionist means and he feels like he's failing at being perfect. 

And dh and I are dying at happysmiley's post above!!!! That is us to a T! Everything down to the road rage!!! ???

[BooksandBoys]

My husband forgets all of those things. He has significant EF challenges and minimal workarounds in placd to support his memory. I’ve mostly learned to do all the things by myself.

I have decent EF skills (not great), but I also have MANY and varied reminders in place in my life so I remember all the things that I need to make happen. 

[MrsRobinson]

13 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

Just to add to my own post...

 

I can't count how many weeks I have DH tell me as I walk out the door, or send me a text WHILE I am grocery shopping that says "hey, please grab this for me while you are shopping"

 

And I don't come home with whatever it was.  Truth is, if it doesn't end up on my grocery list, I will forget it.  Every time.  And I haven't yet mastered the "stop everything I am doing and put it on the list right immediately."  thing.  Especially if I get the text while driving.  I will see it on my watch, think "put that on the list when you get to the parking lot" and then after road raging at the guy in front of me for not turning left the right way, it's just totally fallen out of my head.  

I think you are my identical twin separated at birth!!!! ??

[Arcadia]

My husband, kids and relatives would remember routine tasks like take out the thrash and getting the mail. That’s after the routine is established. So a new job or new class would take some time for adjusting to a revised routine. 

None of them would remember doctor/dental appointments or any non routine tasks. That’s why we have multiple alarms going off for exams days and we try to get 8am (or earlier) appointments for doctors and dentists. 

[BooksandBoys]

Some of you have commented on the behavioral aspect of this forgetfulness. I see this is many families, but in my house, even when someone cares about the thing that they need to remember, they usually don’t remember. My older two have significant EF challenges too. Last night, for example, they negotiated to watch the What Does the Fox Say video after putting on pajamas. That’s it. Only pajamas (I know better than to ask them to brush teeth too. Also, we are practically a zero screen family, so this was a BIG deal). They forgot. I reminded them three times.

They forget....it was ten minutes between the negotiation and the third reminder. My husband is like this too. I can’t tell you the number of times he forgets that he was to meet a friend, or wanted to take a bike ride, or intended to buy ice cream (and that’s the only reason he went into the store). Motivation is useless here. ?. To counteract that, I have the kids make visual signs with the motivator on them (do my school checklist so C can come play), then we stick them up in 5 different places around the house. It helps a tiny bit because they WILL do the thing if they remember the motivator. They just all forget the motivator. 

As a mother/wife, it’s exhausting. ? I try to be patient though because none of them are doing this because they don’t care or love each other/me. They all care. Their brains are busy with other things. 

[Bootsie]

My DH would likely to forget. He not only forgets things that are important to me, he forgets things that are important to him (a doctor's appt, that he has a day off of work, to refill a prescription.)  Sometimes it is mildly annoying, but other times it has caused major problems for me.  He tells me that he would remember if it was really important--but he even forgot to tell me that my mother called to say that my uncle died or he would get confused and he would forget to pick the kids up at school.  The worst was when he forgot that he was NOT supposed to pick up the kids at school and did; of course, he also forgot his phone that day and decided to run some errands; as I,, and the school administration was panicked about where the kids were another parent said "I thought I saw Bob's car in the pickup line." 

I do not understand it.  It isn't like he can't remember anything; he can remember who pitched in the 9th inning of a baseball game in 1965.  He finished his PhD faster than anyone in his program ever did (remembering to turn in items by the deadlines, etc.)  I also know the feeling of wanting to scream, "If you really cared, you would have remembered!"  

I don't have any good answers (and if DH is any indication, I can't say it is his age and he will grow out of it).  But, I can say that someone can be mostly a productive, responsible adult even when they forget things like this.  Things do go more smoothly when I try hard not to take the forgetfulness personally and when he acknowledges that it is causing hassles for people around him.  

[Loowit]

I have actually been surprised that DD is so good to remember errands I request most of the time.  She has forgotten a couple times, but then she offers to fix it when she remembers.  I suspect that my 15 yo (almost 16) will be much more forgetful.  He has executive function struggles, and I have come up with ways to help him but so far I have had limited success.  For example, I keep a binder with his school work for the day in it.  I have done this for years, but it is just this year that it is really starting to click that he needs to look at it and actually read everything so he knows what schoolwork he has to complete each day, and even then he forgets sometimes.

One thing that has helped DH (who can be forgetful) and DD is to have their calendar on their phone and check it several times a day, especially when leaving work/school.  DD will put things on there like "pick up groceries" so that she doesn't forget.  My grandmother used to keep post-it notes with her.  She had them all over her house and in her car to remind her of things that she needed to do or pick up.

[fairfarmhand]

My dh felt like you do: forgetting was a sign of not caring for him. I keep trying to reassure him that it’s not personal. That’s evidenced by the fact that it’s not just HIS stuff that I forget. I forget my stuff , my kids stuff, everybody’s stuff gets forgotten. 

However, when I have I deal with the consequences of forgetting, I start remembering. 

So for trash day, if your son forgets it, perhaps he gets to load his car with stinky trash and haul it to the city dump. If he has to reschedule doctors appointments it’s much more motivating. 

In otherwords, 1. Don’t take it personally. 2. Allow him to deal with consequences of actions. 

I bet your ds double checks deadlines since he had to ask a professor for mercy. That’s the kind of thing that will make him stop and think. 

[LucyStoner]

“I told him one time his forgetfulness was a sign of just not caring about people”

Ouch!  That must have hurt him to hear.   

We all say things we don’t mean sometimes.  I would hope though that, given that he’s your son and you have heard from lots of people the reality behind these issues that you would intentionally let him know you were wrong to say that and that you don’t think that anymore.  I know that when I have said different but similar things to my older son, he’s carried it with him and it took some intention to make amends on my part.  

[maize]

1 hour ago, moonflower said:

My DD13 would not do any of those things but I would do all of them.  I have poor executive function.  It has required deliberate strategies to ameliorate.

This exactly. Some people have poor executive function regardless of age. 

I only function at all because I have a gazillion reminders on my phone. Even so I missed one child's IEP meeting on Monday and it had to be rescheduled and I went to an appointment yesterday that turned out to be scheduled for next week.

I know it is frustrating to others when people like me seem to be so flaky. Believe me, it is frustrating to us too and is not something we can just will our way out of.

[Scarlett]

6 hours ago, texasmom33 said:

So I’ll come at this from the angle of having been that teen. I had excellent EF skills. My stuff always got done. The stuff my Mom wanted me too- not always simply because I was pretty selfish at 18 and didn’t prioritize other people’s things the same I did mine. Especially if I found it to be inconvenient. I “forgot” a lot, and what it really was was code for “yeah I didn’t forget, but it seemed to much work at the time.” I never did that for school or work. But often did for personal relationships. I don’t know if EF is always the answer. 

I grew out of it. I think it’s very similar though to adults who “forget” to do things like RSVP or cancel on others at the last minute. I don’t think EF has much to do with those people. I think being considerate or not does.

I have no idea what your son’s EF skills are. Maybe that’s it. Maybe it’s not. But I have nothing to blame other than immaturity and selfishness for how I was back then, so just throwing out that you initial assessment might not have been that off. Did I know I was going to get lectured? Yep- but that took 2 minutes out of my day instead of inconveniencing myself. That is how 18 year old college me saw it. 

Thank you. And I think that if it is just an immature selfishness he does need to hear that other people are important too. 

Edited November 7, 2018 by Scarlett

[Catwoman]

1 hour ago, PeachyDoodle said:

Yeah, it's probably compounded by his intense focus on school, but probably also just personality and at least some deficit in executive functioning skills.

FWIW, I too would *feel* as though he didn't care about me if he couldn't remember and do this simple favor, especially when I was sick. I might logically know that this is simply something he struggles with and not a reflection of his feelings for others. But staying on top of things is one of the ways I show my own care for those I love, and so in my mind the opposite is also true. So I understand the feeling (and also the feeling guilty for feeling that he doesn't care when he insists that isn't true). 

That he recognizes it as an issue is a good sign. He's probably embarrassed that he let you down and feels badly for it, so that's why he doesn't like for you to point it out. For the time being, I'd probably continue to encourage him to find strategies that help him stay on top of things, and I'd also let him fail (miss the doctor appointment, be late for class). And next time I needed him to do something for me, I'd ask him to implement a specific strategy to help him remember. "I need you to stop at the store and get milk this afternoon on your way home. Please set a reminder in your phone RIGHT NOW so that you will not forget."

 

I agree with this post too much to just “like” it.  ?

[RootAnn]

I forget things all the time. For myself (most often), for the kids, for DH. DH is used to this and tries to leave me notes or send me an email. 

I used to remember everything. My memory is just very bad now. DH will remind me of something and I will walk to the other room to do it and completely forget I had something to do. (Not the same as the "what did I come in here to do" phenomenon.)

If it is me not caring, then I don't care about myself most of all (likely true to an extent, but I love DH and don't want to disappoint him but it totally happens with his stuff, too).

[unsinkable]

Scarlett, girl, every time I see a post of yours with a boatload of replies, I hear the dive alarm from a sub. 

"Chief of the the watch, dive! Dive!"

Alarm sounds. "Aye, sir, dive! Dive!"

Your posts are like an alarm going of that everyone comes running to respond.

[regentrude]

8 minutes ago, texasmom33 said:

If it is the immaturity/inconsiderate side, I'll add that nagging usually does little to help. Don't nag if you can help it.  It's hard because you're in a place as the parent where you are the only one it affects if he doesn't do it.?

I have actually made the opposite experience. If it is something that affects me, sometimes the only way to get him to do it is to nag so much that he will eventually do it just so that the annoying nagging stops. I tell him that up front: I will nag until you do it, and the way to get the nagging to stop is to just DO the darn thing. The nagging keeps it at the forefront in his brain.

I don't nag about things that don't affect me, just him.

ETA: I don't see it much different than calendar reminders and alarms. If I need people at work to do something, I also send reminders of the deadline, and follow ups immediately after the deadline, and I would continue to send emails until whatever had to get done actually is.

Edited November 7, 2018 by regentrude

[PeachyDoodle]

35 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Thank you. And I think that if it is just an immature selfishness he dies need to fear that other people are important too. 

I agree. I don't think it's worth getting too worked up over, although it is annoying in the moment, especially if you are a person who sees it more as "my needs are just not important enough to you to make you remember this."

And, as we've established, for very many people this is NOT true. BUT, I do think it is a good thing for him to be aware that at least some people will perceive it that way. Not everyone will be willing to just say, "Oh well, that's obviously not his strength." Or they might, and then just stop relying on him for whatever they need. I'm thinking of a job situation, for instance, in which he may not get fired for dropping the ball, but better opportunities might go to someone who seems to put forth more effort. (Again, not speaking about reality here as much as potential perception by others.)

But he's 18. And while it's good for him to start learning some of those lessons now, he does still have time to learn them. And chances are, he will.

[RootAnn]

I have kids just like me in terms of forgetting - things fall out of their heads. I get how annoying it is because it seems obvious (how can you forget today is **?) and inconsiderate to everyone else, but you have no idea how the thought is really just *gone* for some of us unless you experience it.

It happens to me most often when I have too much to remember or have a lot of stress. But it happens other times, too.

I had a post it note to remember to pick up something from the library for my DDs. Despite it being inconvenient (due to a bridge being out when I didn't know it would be out), I picked it up. If that post it note wouldn't have been there, I likely would have gone home another way and not remembered about it at all until DD asked if I remembered to pick it up. (And this exact thing has happened before.)

My kids know to leave me post it notes and remind me. My dd#2 was talking to me earlier this morning about whether we had something, and I had no idea what she was getting at. She finally said, "you know, for Chemistry this morning?" Ooohh, it's Wednesday. We always do her Chem experiment on Wed morning. Lots to remember this week and I'll forget at least a few things, I'm sure.

[regentrude]

1 minute ago, texasmom33 said:

I don't think that nagging doesn't work necessarily- it's more that I have personally found relationships in which nagging takes a central role (I'm not saying this is the case in your situation regentrude, or anyone else on this thread- this is just generally), can cause a passive-aggressive relationship to form.

oh, absolutely - you want nagging to remain the exception and not the central part of the relationship. I reserve it for the rare things that absolutely must get done,  but that I cannot simply just do myself. Constant nagging about everything becomes ineffective because it fades into ever present background noise.

[SKL]

I deal with seasoned adults with the same issues.  I do think it's probably just human.

I would just try to remind.  I would not leave a very important thing up to another person without a ton of reminders.

[Bluegoat]

If he moves out and lives with roomates at some points, that might make a big difference.  Somehow, that's a little different than living with mom.  You get stuck a little in roles, you know?

 

[regentrude]

Just wanted to say a word of sympathy to OP: it drives me absolutely crazy, too! I can rationally hear the people who explain it's executive functioning and they can't help it, but it feels so completely alien to me. But I see that plenty of people do. Apparently their brains work in different ways. It can be endlessly frustrating for people who are naturally organized.

[lavender's green]

Haven't read the whole thread, because the next few minutes are my only chance to type until evening...

My DH would probably forget unless he set a reminder on his phone, and even then, who knows. He has great executive function skills (his work, which he's good at, demands that), but the minutia of day-to-day living stuff tends to go right over his head. And when he's behind a wheel, forget about it. His brain goes on autopilot. He works around it with phone reminders and notes.

My Dad probably uses his phone now, but I remember if he ever had to do anything out of the ordinary, he'd write it on a post-it note then stick that to his driving wheel. He just couldn't stay on top of anything unusual without a gigantic reminder literally staring him in the face.

Based on these two people in my life, I'd say it's normal for an 18 year old to forget sometimes. At 18 he may just still be learning the work-arounds. I don't think it's related to not caring, and it's not necessarily even executive function, as both my DH and Dad are fine with that in other areas.