Do you believe in true love and finding your soul mate?

[Apiphobic]

I remember being asked this question in a college class. Most of the class members were female and most answered affirmatively. It was a women's literature class, and I remember the instructor ridiculed authors like Danielle Steele. I thought it was a little ironic that she said she believed in true love and soul mates but disparaged romance writers.

 

I'm reminded of this question because of a post on this board and because of the discussion of divorce. Because I was one of the few who didn't raise their hands when she asked who believed in true love and soul mates, she asked me to explain. If I remember correctly, I blathered something about believing in different kinds of love and its being all around you during your life from and for different people. I think I also gave the example of a widow or widower who'd had a wonderful marriage before his or her spouse died. I didn't believe that they couldn't find another partner and have another wonderful marriage. There is no statute of limitations for how many times you could find love.

 

I do believe in love. And I've been very lucky in love. But I do wonder if this belief in Prince Charming and one true love is somehow related to our high divorce rates.

 

If our children are growing up believing there is one true love or soul mate waiting for them out there, are they going to be disappointed when they find that Prince Charming/Princess, etc., is a fairy tale? If they meet someone and believe s/he really is "the one," when it becomes hard work and no fun will s/he feel that s/he made a mistake and s/he can't be the one?

 

I'm remembering some conversations with a couple of friends in particular now, and when they talked about their marriages I guess I was a little surprised by their expectations. I think they saw marriage differently and have been disappointed with the reality. Has romance and marriage been so idealized and hollywood-ized that our expectations have changed?

 

I'm curious to hear your perspective. I hope this doesn't spawn into a "My husband is my Prince Charming/Mr. Darcy" thread, because nobody is that perfect. I know I'm no princess and dh is no prince. But I do believe I know him inside out and he knows everything about me, and we love and respect each other very much. We have our ups and downs, but we trust each other and believe in our marriage so we know we'll get through the rough spots together and share the highs with each other.

 

So I'll just assume you all have wonderful relationships with your spouses, too. Now my question is whether or not you believe in true love and finding your soul mate and whether or not this has anything to do with the divorce rate.

 

TIA,

[Crissy]

Do you believe in true love and finding your soul mate?

 

 

Not at the moment. :glare:

[Murphy101]

as I have met mine, it's easy to believe.:D

[nmoira]

I think that, particularly in the singular, those are unrealistic romantic ideals, though I absolutely believe in love. IMHO, some people, in love or not, are more compatible -- not to mention healthy and supportive for each other -- than others, and for most of us there are at least a few people with whom we could have successful long term relationships. I dislike the idea of "true love" in particular because it implies that if we need to work in a relationship that somehow it's less than ideal. Are some people so compatible and good for each other that it feels like "true love"? Of course, and I wouldn't deign to argue with them, even if it undermines my argument. :D

[Aunty Social]

.

[beansprouts]

I think that, particularly in the singular, those are unrealistic romantic ideals, though I absolutely believe in love. IMHO, some people, in love or not, are more compatible -- not to mention healthy and supportive for each other -- than others, and for most of us there are at least a few people with whom we could have successful long term relationships. I dislike the idea of "true love" in particular because it implies that if we need to work in a relationship that somehow it's less than ideal. Are some people so compatible and good for each other that it feels like "true love"? Of course, and I wouldn't deign to argue with them, even if it undermines my argument. :D

 

What she said. Love is a choice. Marriage takes work.

[Elaine]

What she said. Love is a choice. Marriage takes work.

 

The night before I got married, my mother gave me the best piece of advice that I have ever heard. She said, "Marriage, at its best, is still just everyday life."

 

 

I do believe in true love. I think "soul mates" is the dumbest term ever invented. Blech.

[Karen in CO]

I believe that there are many people that we are compatible with. I guess you could have one of many soul mates if those are the terms you are using. I know that the oh wow feeling of new love is exciting, but it doesn't last.

 

Marriage and long term relationships take time and work and commitment. Love is a choice. My husband is part of my family. I love him, but I am a whole and complete person without him too. In a world of billions of souls, I think that soul mate is a sad, scary concept.

[Karen in CO]

The night before I got married, my mother gave me the best piece of advice that I have ever heard. She said, "Marriage, at its best, is still just everyday life."

 

 

I do believe in true love. I think "soul mates" is the dumbest term ever invented. Blech.

 

I like that advice. The night before my wedding - the one I didn't fly to vegas for, my aunt told me "Its better to marry for money than for no reason at all." I couldn't figure out what she meant since I wasn't marrying for money. Maybe she was trying to tell me that I would be better off marrying for money. :001_huh:

[LaxMom]

I believe in love. I also believe in compatibility. I think, if one is self aware and realistic, one can make a good choice about whether they can live their life with this other person. I don't believe that there is simply one possible match for anyone. That seems depressing, sort of, doesn't it?

 

And, yes, the "true love", "soul mate" idea does seem to lead to disillusionment. Probably because so many people don't bother to look past it to the reality of daily life with another person.

 

I know I'm no princess and dh is no prince. But I do believe I know him inside out and he knows everything about me, and we love and respect each other very much. We have our ups and downs, but we trust each other and believe in our marriage so we know we'll get through the rough spots together and share the highs with each other.

 

That pretty much sums up the way it goes in our house, too.

[newlifemom]

Stacy,

 

I have to say, you come up with the most interestin threads. I am always happy when I see you have started another one. (Love fest over)

 

As for true love, I don't know. There is a part of me that says yes and another part that says no. Either way, marriage is a lot of work, but some of the most fun I have ever had. :001_smile:

[Danestress]

I do believe in love. Romantic love, pasionate love, life-long love. I believe that it's one of those things that sin has destroyed in our fallen and broken world, but I believe that marriage ideally should be deeply, satisfyingly intimate and loving. I believe that there ought to be great chemistry. Not everyone gets that, and a lot of it is luck. But I believe it's the ideal.

 

I am currently helping my mother care for a father who has Alzheimer's and is barely recognizable as the man she married, so I understand that life-long love doesn't always look sexy and exotic. Eventually we are all going to get really really old and hard of hearing. We will be short of attention and have hair growing out of our noses, and so something has to sustain us besides sheer chemistry.

 

The idea of "soul mate" doesn't really resonate with me. I do believe that God can bring two people together and bond them at a soul level, so maybe that's a soul-mate. But I definitely don't believe that young people should cultivate that there is this one perfect (for them) person out there that when you meet that person, will complete you and make life full of love that never requires sacrifice, patience or work.

 

At the same time, I don't believe that the problem with modern marriage is that women want romantic love. I believe we were designed to want romantic, sexy love. I think the fact that we kill that desire and substitute duty and obligation is really sad.

[Plucky]

The night before I got married, my mother gave me the best piece of advice that I have ever heard. She said, "Marriage, at its best, is still just everyday life."

 

 

I do believe in true love. I think "soul mates" is the dumbest term ever invented. Blech.

 

What a great piece of advice. It's really true.

[Audrey]

Yes, I believe in true love and soul mates. But, I don't think it comes like a Hollywood or paperback romance.

 

Mine came as the best friend I've ever had. Once I could open myself up physically, it was obvious that we were meant to be. I don't take it for granted and I certainly never expected it to happen to me.

[Erica in PA]

In my opinion, a major reason why so many marriages are unhappy is because many people are not choosy enough when they pick their spouse. Major problems, issues, or differences are glossed over, for varying reasons. I don't think many people hold out for a really *amazing* relationship-- they settle for what comes along, much of the time. So I guess in a way I'm agreeing with your idea-- that people do have an unrealistic view of their spouses when they marry, and then are disappointed later on. But I'm not sure so it's because they are attached to the idea of soul mates.... if anything, I think many people have given up on that idea, and settle for less.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

Sometimes I really love my dh because I feel like it, sometimes I choose to really love my dh. He is far from perfect. So am I. We've recently went through a little communication issue (not so little, but, we survived it!). I thought to myself daily, "I'm choosing to continue to love him."

 

I have shared everything with him. He is my soul mate because I've allowed him in and made him my soul mate. He is my prince charming (okay, insomuch as he can be) because he still chooses to love me even when I'm a HUGE challenge to him. He's not been perfect, but, he's been so good for me.

[Garga]

I agree with most of the other's answers: don't believe in one true love, marriage takes a lot of work, you'll get annoyed with your spouse but then resolve the problems as you go...yep, all those things and everything else y'all said!

 

I think a big reason that people get divorced is that one person can't meet all your needs. For example:

 

You have a husband who is tender and sensitive, but you rarely have fun with him because he's so serious and tender and sensitive. So, you go to work and, lo and behold, there's a guy who is hilarious and meets that need to make life happy and fun. What a great guy! You feel great when you're with him and life is an adventure!

 

So you divorce hubby, marry funny guy and oh no! something sad happens and you dearly need someone to be tender and sensitive but hubby #2 is cracking jokes to cheer you up... well! Aren't you in a pickle!

 

I think that sort of happens to people. That's where the hard work in marriage comes in and what most movies and romance books don't show.

[LaxMom]

But I'm not sure so it's because they are attached to the idea of soul mates.... if anything, I think many people have given up on that idea, and settle for less.

Do you really think it's settling, or just that they are so desperate for the "soul mate" thing that they assign that role to the first person who makes their heart go pitter-patter?

[Melissa B]

I believe that there are many people that we are compatible with. I guess you could have one of many soul mates if those are the terms you are using. I know that the oh wow feeling of new love is exciting, but it doesn't last.

 

Marriage and long term relationships take time and work and commitment. Love is a choice. My husband is part of my family. I love him, but I am a whole and complete person without him too. In a world of billions of souls, I think that soul mate is a sad, scary concept.

 

 

I agree. I think if there are soul mates - there are many, many possible soul mates for each person.

 

I love my dh very much, but I am complete even without him. And while love brings a great deal of joy and comfort (not to mention good fun) to our home - we both agree that it is trust and respect that hold it together. :)

[Danestress]

as a divorce attorney, that while he gets some "we were so in love, but things have changed" divorces, he gets far far more, "We really shouldn't have married in the first place. I knew she wasn't right for me, we were fighting before we even married" type cases. In other words, they were short on "pitter patter" to start with.

[Erica in PA]

Do you really think it's settling, or just that they are so desperate for the "soul mate" thing that they assign that role to the first person who makes their heart go pitter-patter?

 

Hmmm, well, I do think that people do settle.... but most probably aren't aware of it fully, and for some people, it could be desperation for a soul mate that leads them to overlook the issues. I think there can be other reasons too... misplaced priorities (He may not share my beliefs and principles, but he's sooo sexy!), low self-worth, habit (we've already been together for 3 years, might as well take the next step), fear (what if I never find anyone else?), etc.

[Guest janainaz]

Wow, interesting post/thread/whatever. I do think some people find someone that they are really connected to - true love or a soul mate. But, I agree that you could probably fall in love with more than one person in your lifetime. I believe that if you are not careful, you can fall in love while you already love someone else. This seems to be the problem these days.

 

I don't really believe in prince charming and the "one". I believe in finding a spouse you can see sharing your life with that has the important qualities that can make a marriage last. I was crazy about my dh when I met him. I loved walking in a room with him on my arm. But, now most of the things that attracted me are the things that drive me crazy the most. After living with this man for 14 years, I now know that he is NOT Ricko Suave! You get used to looking at the same person every day and a lot of that initial infactuation wears off. I still find my dh attractive, he's my best friend in every sense of the word, but "romance" is not what keeps us together. When my kids were born, they took front seat priority. They shouldn't, but they did. I was overwhelmed with love for both of them when they were born and they are my glory. I'm tired at the end of the day, I want to go to bed and sleep. I'm in mom mode and I'm thankful that I have a dh that will put up with me. I am not the girl he met, which is probably a good thing. I have a lot of nice things I could say about my dh, but our marriage is NOT all full of romance and I don't have much left to offer him at the end of the day.

 

I feel sorry for this generation. It's such a mess in so many ways I can't even put it into a sentence. We all see it. I think that it's not that this generation is googly-eyed with romance - I WISH that were the case. I see that as what the 50's girls were focused on. Not a good thing. But, worse now is that in this generation - it's all cheap and given away. I'm not sure anyone really knows the definition of love anymore. It's all about infactuation and lust. When that is gone, so is the relationship. It's very sad.

 

So, for my sons, they see what is real, they good, the bad and the very very ugly sometimes. My dh said that he longs for the day to have me back to himself again. I'm not sure what he has in mind when I'm 50! He loves our kids, but I'm glad that they hear him say that.

 

Anyway, I believe that the amazing part of a marriage that lasts is that the beauty is in the fact that you COULD fall in love with someone else, but real love chooses to stay.

[Trivium Academy]

No. I believe people can be well-matched though.

[Catherine]

Despite the fact the I responded affirmatively to the thread about being "in love" with my spouse, I don't think for a minute that we are the only people that either of us could have made a reasonably happy marriage. I DO agree though that failed marriages are so often the result of poor decision making-marrying because of an unplanned pregnancy, (though happy marriages result there too), or a sense of desperation borne of a lack of confidence. Who knows. Didn't Tolstoy wisely say that happy families are all alike, but every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way?

 

I'll encourage my kids to think practically when they settle down. Love is wonderful, but love alone is not enough.

[Aggie]

as a divorce attorney, that while he gets some "we were so in love, but things have changed" divorces, he gets far far more, "We really shouldn't have married in the first place. I knew she wasn't right for me, we were fighting before we even married" type cases. In other words, they were short on "pitter patter" to start with.

 

Bingo.

 

I was engaged in my late 20's. Two weeks before a *huge* wedding, I called it off for a variety of reasons. In the next few years, it was hard to believe how many women told me, "I wish I had known that was an option." One woman told me, after I told her what calling off a wedding entailed (it's not easy or cheap!), that she would have gotten married, then just divorced in a few months. :confused:

 

Sometimes, I think, the focus is on the wedding, not the relationship. If the wedding/reception itself weren't such a big ordeal, would as many people be as quick to jump into a marriage?

 

Another challenge, imo, is the habit of dating, breaking up, dating someone else, breaking up... That process is practice for divorce. This is one reason we are encouraging our dc to not date until later.

 

I do believe in twooo wuv (ala The Princess Bride :001_smile:). I don't believe everyone who marries is truly in love, though. And soul mate? Yeah, but not everyone has/had one, I guess.

 

(I do have to add about the divorce rate...I think it's skewed, actually. With so many people going the no-marriage route and living together, I think the number of people who bear the scars of a broken relationship is far greater than what the court records report.)

Edited November 16, 2008 by Aggie

[tibbyl]

Do you believe in true love and finding your soul mate?

 

Of the 300 million people now in the U.S., there should logically be a significant number of potential compatible mates for a person, barring certain circumstances. Of course, factors such as attractiveness, health, earning power, social status, and niceness increase a person's pool of possible mates while the negative inverse of previous traits will lower the pool of mates. Of course, people tend to marry within their own socioeconomic group. Further, certain religious people usually marry within their faith.

 

So I guess my answer is "no." I have never believed that there was some sort of cosmic intervention or predetermination whereby one person was specifically designated to be the soul mate/true love of another.

 

Further, I think such fantasies warp one's perception of reality, sometimes to point of undermining one's chances of working toward finding a suitable mate and developing a thriving relationship.

[Rosie_0801]

Yeah, I do. I just don't believe in the fairy tale version of it all. Prince Charming may well indeed be charming, but he probably snores. The princess may have a fantastic wardrobe and sweet smile, but she will still get PMS.

When I was 8, I was in a church choir and learned a song in Signed English. That really caught my fancy, and sat in the back of my mind until I was grown up, had a job and could afford to pursue it. I did a short course, decided it really was cool and since I wanted to go to uni, that was as good a thing as any to study. My future partner happened to lose his hearing at age 20, so was at uni studying Auslan. What a fluke ;) This guy suits me very well, so it was like the universe had set it all up to make sure we'd both be in the same place, at the same time, when we were ready for each other.

It's a bit hard not to believe in these things when they happen, but that doesn't mean we're going to live smoochily ever after like a romance novel. Prince Charming does snore, and his Princess doesn't have a great wardrobe.

I'm sure if we went our separate ways, we'd both find another someone. I don't think there's only one person we could ever be happy with. Of course, if that happened, we'd both be different people to who we were back when we got together, so we'd probably be looking for slightly different things in a partner.

 

One of the problems I see around is that what "women want" isn't what's good for them. I remember dh telling me he overheard a school girl on the train: "So, I was going out with this guy, right? And he told me he loved me! I'm like, God! We're only 16! So I dumped him. Now I'm going out with this guy who calls me a **** in front of his friends, so that's ok." The other illuminating conversation I overheard was a chick a year or two older than me who was advocating being friends with a guy before sleeping with him. Then they go on complaining that there aren't any decent guys around. Well, if you have a sign hanging around your neck saying "Job Vacancy- Knights in Shining Armour need not apply" they'll go out with someone else, won't they?

 

Rosie

Edited November 16, 2008 by Rosie_0801

[Guest janainaz]

Yeah, I do. I just don't believe in the fairy tale version of it all. Prince Charming may well indeed be charming, but he probably snores. The princess may have a fantastic wardrobe and sweet smile, but she will still get PMS.

 

 

Boy does he and boy will she! Hilarious and TRUE!!!

[laughing lioness]

Yep. My soul committed to his, his to mine, we married, mated and we are in it for life.

[Aubrey]

Yes, always have. I believe in an ordered universe, a cosmic plan, true love, & soul mates.

 

I also believe in selfishness, human nature, & sin.

[Lovedtodeath]

Stacy I agree with what you had to say in the OP!

[sarahv]

Ahh, love.

 

First, infatuation. Infatuation is so fun. Too bad it doesn't last.

 

Friendship. A must in marriage. But even best friends can break each other's hearts.

 

Then there is the choice of love. Yep, not the feeling, although the feeling does follow the choice thankfully. I remember praying that somehow God would help me to love my husband after he broke my heart. Oh, how I wanted to feel in love with him again. The feeling comes with the choice, but it's not infatuation anymore, and it's a deeper, more passionate, more sustaining love than infatuation could ever be.

 

Yeah, I married my true love. But he's only my true love because I decided he was gonna be that in my life. And, much to my delight, I'm his true love, too...by choice. :lol:

[Lovedtodeath]

:iagree: very well said!

[imeverywoman]

My short answer: yes. I married my soul mate. He is literally the piece that completes the puzzle called me.

[Peela]

Perhaps there are soul mates, I don't know. Some people seem to feel so.

True love? I don't think that has much to do with marriage or relationships at all. Love is love, its not conditional and you cant control it and it comes and goes and its not a feeling and its certainly not always a lovely dovey feeling. You dont have to earn it and you cant get rid of it, you can only be open to it or not.

I think most people- 99% of us- expect to find love in someone else, not realising it's in us and all around us.

Marriage is more about forming a family to bring up children. Love may or may not be present in any moment.

 

No, I dont really believe in the wohle prince charming, soul mate, true love thing, and I think it does lead to a lot of suffering. But I do believe in love.

[TraceyS/FL]

I do.

 

I also know you can be on the different pages in life and NOT end up with that person because it's not going to work out with that person.

 

But i know it's a lot harder to make it work when it's not "that person", the other wasn't any less full of bumps - they were just easier to get past. There are things i'd do differently in life if i got a do over. I thought i could make it work....

 

I don't think there is just one person out there for a person though - just some better choices than others.

[st_claire]

With so many billions of people on Earth, I think the idea of finding exactly one exact match per person is highly unlikely. I think there are many very good matches. No one is going to be perfect, and different people will fulfill you in different, but equally important, ways.

[jamnkats]

My answer today is very different than my answer would have been after 5 years together and I imagine it will be different again in another 10 or 20 years.

 

I was 33 when I met my current partner and I had had Many Many Many long term and short term (and one night stands) relationships before I met him. And other than the one-night-stands I really think it was a good learning experience and something I'd want for my kids. I wandered from (almost) North Pole to (almost) South Pole and went as far in my career as I was interested in. I met many men from many cultures and learned a LOT that you just can't learn from books.

 

When I met Jamie I knew it was different. I knew we'd be together. And he was TOTALLY NOT into me. Well, he was *into* me but scared. So he rejected me and strangley I just had a feeling of inner peace. I *knew* we'd be together so I just said, "ok" and inwardly said, "eventually you'll come around". :)

 

We've been together for 15 years and each and every day he does something that annoys the hell out of me. I hate his feet (! :)). I hate the way he dries off after a shower (! :)). I hate the way he puts on deodorant. Little STUPID stuff. :) But I love the way he adores me, I love his openness, I love that he continues to try, I love that he is honest. And I can't imagine being with anyone else in this lifetime.

 

At one time I would have said we're soulmates but I don't think that now. We don't complete each other but we definitely complement each other and work very well TOgether. I not only wouldn't want to be with anyone else, I can't imagine myself lowering my standards to someone else.

[6packofun]

I believe that true love exists and that it can also be created. I think soul mates are made, not born. :)

 

Because when I think of soul mates I'm not thinking about how God knew ahead of time who I was going to fall in love with/marry and is sovereign and all that. I'm thinking of how *I* get to the point of believing that my spouse is my soul mate and I think that's something that is created from a maturing, deepening relationship. Something that I have to work at, regardless of the "one flesh" thing that happens when we make that covenant before God, actually.

[Lovedtodeath]

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:!!!!

[sweetbaby]

I believe in true love but not love at first sight.

[Apiphobic]

Thanks for the interesting discussion.

Now I feel like asking what your all-time favorite romance is -- novel or movie, whichever you prefer. :D

 

Hugs to you, Crissy!

[Tammy]

I think plenty of wonderful men out there could be my soulmate!

 

.

[Moxie]

Yes, I believe in true love, "soul mates", love at first sight, etc. The moment my eyes locked on DH across the college cafeteria, I knew he would be important to me. Corney but true. I went up to him that weekend and said, "Hi, I'm Melissa, we should get to know each other". I have a note that he wrote to his best friend that day. It's a phone message with "P.S. That cute Melissa talked to me today". I know without a doubt that we were made by God to be together. It isn't sunshine and roses every day but we work to make it that way.

[HRAAB]

I believe in true love because I've seen it work and win. Soul mates - no. I take the term soul mate to mean that there is one person out there that is your soul mate. Sorry, I just find that ridiculous. As much as I love my dh, and it's very much, there's probably numerous men that I could have had a good marriage with - I just didn't meet them. The odds of finding your soul mate are just too impossible. However, after 23 years I would we have grown to be each others' soul mate, but it's taken a lot of work, a lot of prayer, and a lot of grace.

 

Janet

[Delighted3]

My husband and I have been married for almost 20 years and I don't know if we were soul mates to begin with. We sure fought a lot :tongue_smilie:, but I will tell you that over the years work and sacrifice can make you into soul mates. Here is an oversimplified example. When we first got married, my dh didn't like tomatoes, so I stopped putting them in our food and 20 years later I don't really care for tomatoes all that much either. I think people can grow together or they can grow apart and it is all about the choices they make individually and as a couple.

Joy

[KidsHappen]

Yes, I do believe in true love and soul mates and I believe that you are fated to find yours. What you do once that happens is entirely up to you. And I also absolutely believe that marriage is hard work. I love my children and I would never leave them but that doesn't mean that it isn't still a job to raise them. No one that knows me would ever say that I am a hopeless romantic but maybe I secretly am. :)

[mrsdash]

I believe in true love. I believe that two people can have a feeling of "I have always known you" and a feeling of not ever wanting to be w.out eachother.That may be soul mates, I don't know. Some people have a special, automatic "click" and I think there has to be something to it.

 

My favorite movie that shows true love is "Life is Beautiful". Roberto Benigni is the epitome of romantic in the first half of that movie, imho.

[Mad Jenny Flint]

who told me that she felt strongly that she had married the wrong man. I don't know if sadder words have ever been spoken. It's deflating and tragic. I guess I want to feel more powerful than that.

[WTMindy]

If there is such a thing as a soul mate, I don't think that my dh is mine. My dh and I are VERY different. We like to do different things and we don't have very many common interests when it comes down to it.

 

BUT, I think that he is such a great husband for me. I am a better person because I am with him. He is a better person because of my strengths. We work really well together as a team. I love him, but I don't have any of those "I can't live without him" kinds of feelings. I don't want to live without him, but I could if I had to. We are great friends and we work well together. I also think there is any number of people that I (or he) could have been married and been equally as happy.

 

But, since he is the one I chose, he is my mate, and since I am comitted to him for life, I guess he is a soul mate.

 

I also think there is a certain chemistry between people that makes them attracted to each other. I went with guys in college that I may have had more of a physical connection with (not sexual, just physical attraction) but I certainly would not have wanted them as a husband!

Edited November 21, 2008 by WTMindy