Family and FB

[Scarlett]

My brother and his wife have been mostly estranged from us for close to 5 years.  I do speak to my brother via text once a month or so...and they created a FB page for their 7 year old a few months back and friend us on his page.  Today SIL friended me.  With much dread I accepted....and as I scrolled through her page I see a post of ugliness toward something important in my life....I am just not going to subject myself to that.  I promptly unfriend her. 

Do I tell her why? 

I don't know why she even wants to be my FB friend when she is posting stuff she knows will upset me.  

[SKL]

I wouldn't tell her why unless she asks.

[Chris in VA]

No. She knows why. If you can't just let her do her and you do you, then don't be a FB friend. But the cost is something you will have to measure. Do you want a relationship with your nephew? 

I was estranged from my brother for over 10 years. Then he made gestures of kindness to me. Then he got cancer and died. I'm glad we sort of reconciled, and I now have a good, beginning relationship with my sil and their two kids. 

I wish you healing in your relationship. 

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, Chris in VA said:

No. She knows why. If you can't just let her do her and you do you, then don't be a FB friend. But the cost is something you will have to measure. Do you want a relationship with your nephew? 

I was estranged from my brother for over 10 years. Then he made gestures of kindness to me. Then he got cancer and died. I'm glad we sort of reconciled, and I now have a good, beginning relationship with my sil and their two kids. 

I wish you healing in your relationship. 

I mourn the lack of relationship with my nephew...but I don't honestly see us ever being close with what they are teaching him. 

SIL is chatting with me on messenger now. Just chit chat.  

[Tanaqui]

Now I have an intensely nosy interest in what the heck they're teaching your nephew. (Don't tell us all, it can't possibly be as interesting to me as whatever I'm dimly imagining!)

Joking aside, I wouldn't tell her why you friended and then unfriended her. I'm sure she can guess. If she can't, well, telling her won't help matters. If she asks, that's awkward, but then you can tell her if you really really want to, but it's probably better to be vague about it. (Yeah, right, can you see me doing that? Never happening. But it's good advice even if I don't take it myself.)

[BusyMom5]

Don't unfriend, just hide her feed.  It's easy.  

[Scarlett]

10 minutes ago, BusyMom5 said:

Don't unfriend, just hide her feed.  It's easy.  

I unfollow a lot of people....but this is just beyond that solution.  

She chatted with me on FB messenger and I asked about my nephew and just a few minutes of idle chitchat.  Hopefully that will be all for a while.

[Scarlett]

So she attempted to friend my niece (her step daughter) and my mom.  Neither of them accepted.  Then she set up a new page completely and tried to friend me again.  I did not accept that one.  Then sure enough my brother starts texting me....or rather sending me encrypted FB 'secret messages' (which i didn't even know what a thing) and unloading on me about their problems.  There is so much dysfunction I am just um....I don't know.  I am so thankful I don't live near them.  His current paranoia is that she is a covert narcissist (and who knows maybe/probably she is) and he is obsessed with studying up on it.....and he sent me about 10 long Youtube videos on how to spot one, how to get away from one, how to survive the PTSD brought on by living with one.  

For a year or so it was the obsession with trying to prove my religion is a dangerous cult.  Then he was on to paranoia over the government....now it is his wife's mental state.  I asked him why he didn't just divorce her and got some story (with waaaaay tooooo much detail) about how she has dirt on him.  They have a 7 year old together.  I am beyond worried about him.  I had a conversation with my dh about what we would do if this child ends up in the system in case one or both of them ends up dead or in prison.  

He just told me to block her an all her friends on FB.  Really?  All 110 of them?  Including the page she made for her son which she is obviously controlling.

Wow.  What a MESS.  He claims he is going to a therapist and that is where he is getting affirmation that his wife is NPD....but who knows what the therapist is really saying.  My brother has been going to therapy for 30 years and yet here we are.

[AK_Mom4]

One of my favorite FB tricks - rather than decline a friend request, I just ignore the request and don't respond.  They hang around out there forever and the person can't send you another request.  DH has FB (I don't) because he needs it for a group he is in and he has a few relatives as Friends, but we have all of them unfollowed bc we don't want to see crazy when checking in for the group messages.

[Scarlett]

My brother wants me to block his 7 year old's account and his wife's account and everyone on their friend's list.  SHM.  I am about to shut my account down.  I did at least change my settings to private.  

[GinaPagnato]

Different situation for me because I really like my SIL, BUT...she is super duper political, and I don't agree with her on many issues. She's an activist and posts tons of articles and links that support her ideology. I just can't see that all day long, so I snooze her account, which lasts for 30 days. Then I dip my toe in the pool again with her, and if she's ramping up, out I go into snooze-land!

[katilac]

2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

My brother wants me to block his 7 year old's account and his wife's account and everyone on their friend's list.  SHM.  I am about to shut my account down.  I did at least change my settings to private.  

 

What your brother wants is really irrelevant. 

[Catwoman]

5 hours ago, Scarlett said:

So she attempted to friend my niece (her step daughter) and my mom.  Neither of them accepted.  Then she set up a new page completely and tried to friend me again.  I did not accept that one.  Then sure enough my brother starts texting me....or rather sending me encrypted FB 'secret messages' (which i didn't even know what a thing) and unloading on me about their problems.  There is so much dysfunction I am just um....I don't know.  I am so thankful I don't live near them.  His current paranoia is that she is a covert narcissist (and who knows maybe/probably she is) and he is obsessed with studying up on it.....and he sent me about 10 long Youtube videos on how to spot one, how to get away from one, how to survive the PTSD brought on by living with one.  

For a year or so it was the obsession with trying to prove my religion is a dangerous cult.  Then he was on to paranoia over the government....now it is his wife's mental state.  I asked him why he didn't just divorce her and got some story (with waaaaay tooooo much detail) about how she has dirt on him.  They have a 7 year old together.  I am beyond worried about him.  I had a conversation with my dh about what we would do if this child ends up in the system in case one or both of them ends up dead or in prison.  

He just told me to block her an all her friends on FB.  Really?  All 110 of them?  Including the page she made for her son which she is obviously controlling.

Wow.  What a MESS.  He claims he is going to a therapist and that is where he is getting affirmation that his wife is NPD....but who knows what the therapist is really saying.  My brother has been going to therapy for 30 years and yet here we are.

 

All things considered, your brother’s current obsession is probably a lot safer for society in general than when you were worried that he would do something crazy and/or violent because of his paranoia about the government. 

[TechWife]

Unless they have changed their rules lately, FB doesn't allow people under 13 to have accounts. Report the account to FB and let them take care of it. Then, when she sets up a new one, ignore the friend request.

[Janeway]

I have NO family on my FB. NONE. If they ask about FB, I avoid the subject. IF they get pushy, I just say..oh..I don't use FB. If they say they can see a page for me..I say..oh..it's still there? huh. and leave it at that. No one asks beyond that, so far. Just...not..worth..it.

 

 

[Scarlett]

4 hours ago, TechWife said:

Unless they have changed their rules lately, FB doesn't allow people under 13 to have accounts. Report the account to FB and let them take care of it. Then, when she sets up a new one, ignore the friend request.

Man I wish I had thought of that.  I did block her and my nephews so called account.   I am seriously thinking of getting off FB. 

[J-rap]

She sounds like a doozy!  Well you can do what a good friend of mine did for awhile, and close your account and set up a new one with a different name, giving it only to close friends/family who you really want on it.  

I probably wouldn't say anything to SIL.  It doesn't sound like she's reasonable or very self aware, and I'd rather stay out of the drama altogether.

I'm sorry for the disfunction in your family.  I've learned that generally holding my tongue and putting up boundaries of some sort is the best solution.  It leaves things a little more open for a relationship at some point down the road, if things improve.  I always like to think people can change and anything is possible.

[Scarlett]

4 hours ago, J-rap said:

She sounds like a doozy!  Well you can do what a good friend of mine did for awhile, and close your account and set up a new one with a different name, giving it only to close friends/family who you really want on it.  

I probably wouldn't say anything to SIL.  It doesn't sound like she's reasonable or very self aware, and I'd rather stay out of the drama altogether.

I'm sorry for the disfunction in your family.  I've learned that generally holding my tongue and putting up boundaries of some sort is the best solution.  It leaves things a little more open for a relationship at some point down the road, if things improve.  I always like to think people can change and anything is possible.

Yes, I agree.  We have held our tongue all these past 5 years when my brother has been so aggressive and ugly.  They have had a lot of rough things happen to them in that time, some of it their own doing and some not....but most of how I have been there for my brother is to text with him when things get bad.  I haven't even told mom all the things he has been telling me.....she only knows SIL tried to friend us and she decided not to accept.....mom is 73 and doesn't need the heartbreak.

it is just such a precarious situation that I fully expect a call that something bad has happened. Anyone else know that feeling of impending doom?

[catz]

No.  You can unfreind for any reason but I see no reason to confront her on it unless she cornered you.  It sounds like there is no shortage of dysfunction there and I would not want to get sucked in further.

[Scarlett]

So more secret messages from my brother basically just detailing total dysfunction.  Not sure why the conversations have to be secret.  He is even having me use a word from our childhood to confirm I haven't been 'hacked' (not sure by whom---my end?  his end? ) 

He says his wife has been searching my name on line.  I haven't yet got him to explain what he thinks this means.  I mean, my life is an open book.  I have nothing to hide.  I am on FB, they live in my hometown, we know dozens of the same people.....they have my address because I just sent them anniversary money in March and my son's graduation announcement in May.  Is she looking for dirt of some kind?  I don't know...weird.

I already know my brother isn't mentally stable....and I have always thought he has a bad 'picker' when it comes to women.....it is likely they are all as unstable as him or why would they be with him.  

I am remembering when he divorced his 2nd wife we had this big long obsession with uncovering her bulimia (which to this day I don't know if she really had---but she did have a debilitating stroke which I guess could have been caused by an eating disorder).  They didn't have children together and it was still a 5 year long marriage---took a while for him to  end it for good.  

Third one he divorced and he claimed she had a bad drinking problem.  Again, I am still not sure that was true.  

Now this one.....apparently he believes she is NPD....

[Scarlett]

Boundaries.  I keep repeating that word to myself.  Along with how glad I am that I live 4 hours away from him. He filed for divorce.  The day she was served  she took their 7 year old out of school and attempted to leave the state with him.  My brother was able to track him down and retrieved him this morning at 6:45.  His lawyer has asked for an emergency hearing to give my brother full custody so that she legally can't take him away.  What a mess.  

So my brother is going to school him at home...a virtual charter of some sort.   The principal is cooperating with this ( he isn't going back to the school) I think because she feels so bad she let the mom check him out if school early yesterday.  But could she have stopped the mom absent a court order?  Shrug.  Like I said a mess.  

Commiserate with me if you have similar family drama.  Or pat me on the head and tell me there is nothing I can do.  

[AmandaVT]

5 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Boundaries.  I keep repeating that word to myself.  Along with how glad I am that I live 4 hours away from him. He filed for divorce.  The day she was served  she took their 7 year old out of school and attempted to leave the state with him.  My brother was able to track him down and retrieved him this morning at 6:45.  His lawyer has asked for an emergency hearing to give my brother full custody so that she legally can't take him away.  What a mess.  

So my brother is going to school him at home...a virtual charter of some sort.   The principal is cooperating with this ( he isn't going back to the school) I think because she feels so bad she let the mom check him out if school early yesterday.  But could she have stopped the mom absent a court order?  Shrug.  Like I said a mess.  

Commiserate with me if you have similar family drama.  Or pat me on the head and tell me there is nothing I can do.  

 

DH has some tough relatives who we need to keep our guard up with constantly. It's tough and you have my commiseration! 

[Catwoman]

7 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Boundaries.  I keep repeating that word to myself.  Along with how glad I am that I live 4 hours away from him. He filed for divorce.  The day she was served  she took their 7 year old out of school and attempted to leave the state with him.  My brother was able to track him down and retrieved him this morning at 6:45.  His lawyer has asked for an emergency hearing to give my brother full custody so that she legally can't take him away.  What a mess.  

So my brother is going to school him at home...a virtual charter of some sort.   The principal is cooperating with this ( he isn't going back to the school) I think because she feels so bad she let the mom check him out if school early yesterday.  But could she have stopped the mom absent a court order?  Shrug.  Like I said a mess.  

Commiserate with me if you have similar family drama.  Or pat me on the head and tell me there is nothing I can do.  

 

I feel so sorry for your nephew. ?

[Rosie_0801]

I hope you can help your nephew when he's older and it's time to up and out.

[Scarlett]

2 hours ago, Catwoman said:

 

I feel so sorry for your nephew. ?

Me too my friend.  Me too.  1000s of kids endure this kind of life on a daily basis.....and unfortunately there is not much that can be done to stop it.  

[mom@shiloh]

Can't you just 'unfollow' them on FB?  That's what I do with the crazies who I don't want to flat out unfriend.  That way I don't see any of their posts, but they can still see mine and I don't think they ever know that I'm not seeing any of them. 

[Scarlett]

2 hours ago, mom@shiloh said:

Can't you just 'unfollow' them on FB?  That's what I do with the crazies who I don't want to flat out unfriend.  That way I don't see any of their posts, but they can still see mine and I don't think they ever know that I'm not seeing any of them. 

Well since my brother filed for divorce and she is now out of the house I dont really have to worry about the FB issue at the moment.  My brother friended me and if he starts posting drama I will unfollow him.  And if he starts posting hate stuff about my faith I will unfriend him.  

Currently it is worry for my nephew who doesn't even know me....he is growing up in a terrible situation and my heart is just sick for him.  

[KungFuPanda]

Ugh. If friends pull stuff like this you can just let them fade from your life. That doesn’t work with family because you’ll see them a cousin Susie’s wedding and Aunt Lulu’s Easter dinner. I’d be surprised if anyone’s family tree didn’t drop a few nuts here and there. 

[mom@shiloh]

Sorry.  

44 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Well since my brother filed for divorce and she is now out of the house I dont really have to worry about the FB issue at the moment.  My brother friended me and if he starts posting drama I will unfollow him.  And if he starts posting hate stuff about my faith I will unfriend him.  

Currently it is worry for my nephew who doesn't even know me....he is growing up in a terrible situation and my heart is just sick for him.  

Sorry. That sounds like a rotten situation.

 

[Scarlett]

It just gets worse.  His wife and her female cousin showed up and tried to snatch the child.  The wife ran full force, while holding my nephew,  Into my brother who was knocked into a wood pile.  He called me from the emergency room . He fears his ( previously injured in auto wreck ) neck is broken.  Hopefully not.  Police came.....they told the wife and cousin to leave....my brother reserves the right to file assault charges but he didn't want to have his wife arrested in front of their child.  Neighbors called the police.....when they arrived the wife said my brother had assaulted her....,my brother thankfully has it all on video.....a new system he put in place.  The police ask my brother to make the video available to the prosecutor.  

Yesterday morning my brother texted me that he was in a bad place mentally and friends were on their way to help.  I got my adult nephews phone number just in case.  Tonight the call came from my adult nephews phone....I thought ' this is it.  Someone is dead or in jail.'.  That is a very bad feeling.  

My poor mother.  I vent here.....and to dh.  Trying to tell her very little. 

Edited September 3, 2018 by Scarlett

[Xahm]

In my state, and many others, that would be considered domestic violence and the police should arrest the wife in that situation as long as they can see evidence of the crime. The victim is not the one pressing charges; the state does. I know it's different in different places, but ugh... tough situation. I'm sorry, especially for your nephew.

[MrsRobinson]

I have 7 year old son and my heart is breaking for your nephew! Maybe this will eventually work out to be a good thing for your brother and your nephew. He seems to want to protect his son and making significant efforts to do so. I see hope there. 

[PrincessMommy]

my heart just breaks for your nephew. 

 

[Scarlett]

12 hours ago, xahm said:

In my state, and many others, that would be considered domestic violence and the police should arrest the wife in that situation as long as they can see evidence of the crime. The victim is not the one pressing charges; the state does. I know it's different in different places, but ugh... tough situation. I'm sorry, especially for your nephew.

I feel sure it is that way in their state too.  I think he didn't have visible injuries and she was screaming that he had assaulted her so police just told her and her cousin to leave.  He doesn't have a broken neck, thankfully but he does have a concussion.  And his knee is hurting badly.  

With the video and ER report I think he will have a strong case for assault....who knows, prosecutor may opt to have her arrested on domestic violence charge.  What a mess.  

I guess she wasn't holding the child....just dragging him along by the hand.  And he was crying, I don't want to go with you mom'.  The cousin lives several hours away, so I hopefully the wife will go to her house and stay away from my brother while the courts sort this out.  

The upsetting part of all of this is I doubt he is any more fit to raise the boy than she is.  The only thing he has going for him is he does have a house and an income--he is disabled.  I do feel just so upset over the whole thing.  I have to just disconnect myself from it to some degree because there is so little I can actually do.  

[annandatje]

On 7/28/2018 at 2:44 PM, GinaPagnato said:

Different situation for me because I really like my SIL, BUT...she is super duper political, and I don't agree with her on many issues. She's an activist and posts tons of articles and links that support her ideology. I just can't see that all day long, so I snooze her account, which lasts for 30 days. Then I dip my toe in the pool again with her, and if she's ramping up, out I go into snooze-land!

 

This is exactly what I do for excessive posters even if I am in complete agreement with their political, social and economic philosophies.  If poster has a lower volume of posts, then I merely scroll past.  Although I am a regular facebook user, I do not have enough emotional investment in it to get upset by squabbling, baiting or vaguebook posts.  I simply ignore them.  If that upsets other facebook users, I figure I can use fb however I wish as long as I do not violate terms of service.

 

[Scarlett]

So yesterday, dh and I were in the pool and we talked a bit more about this entire thing....we decided that if DHS or my brother asks we will take my nephew.  He is 7 years old.  We will not go asking or cause any more conflict than is already going on, but we want to be prepared for the worst case scenario.  

My brother is delusional if he thinks he can just show a judge this tape and the judge go 'oh, you are for sure the best parent here.'  If the attorneys are smart they will get the two parents to agree on something for co=parenting this child.  Or if the attorney's have any conscience....never mind that train of thought.