Midlife slump

[laundrycrisis]

I am wondering if anyone else out there has the same thing going on. I have an alarm going off, kind of like a biological clock but not about babies. I am approaching 50. I no longer have a career, and I will have to start all over to make one, but I think I’m still too tied up with kids to be a reliable employee anywhere. I’m a little good at a lot of things, but not super good at anything.  I’m homeschooling two kids, almost two teens, who need and want me less and less each day, except for money and transportation (IMO this is not a bad thing).  I have no idea what’s next or when I can begin whatever it is.  And then there are also the usual depressing anchors of being a bit overweight and the house not being ready for a photo shoot, lol.  I feel humdrum and unremarkable. I’m taking care of what matters most to me right now, and that’s good.  I worry that when I feel freed up for something different, it will be too late in life for anything to work out. 

I wonder if it’s possible that I can be one of those women who at 60 is a bodybuilder/triathlete etc, gets a tattoo ( I don’t like them but I’m flexible), starts a business on a crazy idea and becomes a millionaire ?   I’m thinking a lot about what life might be like in 5-6 years. 

[6packofun]

Yes.  My life has been put on hold by late-blooming young adults, a series of health setbacks (none serious, but I'm getting a hysterectomy next month), and a difficult youngest child that all combine to make me feel super TRAPPED right now.  My husband is blossoming and doing so well, working hard, hardly home, and I'm just STUCK.  *sigh*  I know that things will get exponentially better after my hysterectomy but my brain is so bored.  I started a Bible study at my church and one young mom in my group said that she hates Bible studies because they feel like lectures and she went to law school for so long that she doesn't want to do more "school" work.  I just can't handle that kind of attitude and need to use my mind before I lose it.  LOL  (I understand where she is coming from, but even when I had young children at home, I enjoyed Bible study so we're different and that's fine...I just can't be around that, though!)

I want to do so many things but I don't feel in control of my own destiny yet somehow.  ?  And I worry that I won't have the stamina to follow through and that will disappoint me SO bad.

[Spryte]

Not sure this will apply to you, OP, but just in case... I felt I was in a similar spot two years ago, but some of my kids are younger so even with an adult kid and a teen, I’m still in the thick of things because I have a younger one.  After spinning on a lot of what you described, I realized ... I was depressed.  

I gave myself three weeks to work on it before calling my doc, marked the calendar and asked a group of friends here to keep me accountable.  I told the kids we were taking a break from school.  Then I started working out, because exercise helps depression.  I changed the way I ate (radically), and concentrated on making sure I took all recommended supplements (my doc makes a lot of recommendations, and I don’t always follow them all).  I listened to music a lot, and did some projects that I had been putting off, around the house.

At the end of my three weeks, I didn’t have answers to my burning questions but I felt better.  I had more energy, I knew that if I didn’t work out each day my mood suffered, I knew that food affects my moods, and I knew I could stop spinning on the same thoughts and worries.  It didn’t fix everything but it made it all manageable. Oh, and as a side effect - the scale had moved down, too.  ?

I don’t necessarily think working out and eating right will cure everything, but those little changes added up to a huge difference for me, and made those big questions feel more like an adventure and less intimidating, so thought I’d share.

[Ottakee]

Several friends and I have talked about this recently.  We saw we need to decide what we want to do/be when we grow up.

Neither of us is in a position we expected to be at our ages (closer to 50).  She was widowed at 41 and I am finding myself suddenly single parenting and looking at moving, finding a career, etc.

[wintermom]

I'm experiencing similar things at age 51. My older dc are 18 and 16, and in the process of building resumes and planning for university and their future careers. I think the combination of this "career planning" environment, along with the homeschooling winding down, is causing me to think about my own future career options. At this point, the options seem limited and unappealing. That in itself is pretty depressing.  

I love the PP's reminder to eat healthy and stay active. 

[KungFuPanda]

This would be easier if we were men. We could just choose a mistress or a motorcycle and be done with it. ?

[GinaPagnato]

You are not alone! In fact, many of us have started thinking about, and beginning to start, Act 2 of our lives.

I think a good place to start is to just do something. Anything. Maybe it's a part-time job locally, like at a store or a recreation center, at a school or as an admin somewhere. Look at Indeed or Craigslist for starters. They say it's easier to find a job when you have a job, so I think doing something is better than nothing.

If it's education you're interested in, start with one class at your local CC. The class could be in something you're interested in just for fun, or maybe as a step toward a new career.

I just think it's a good idea to take one little step because you never know what it will morph into.

[marbel]

12 minutes ago, GinaPagnato said:

You are not alone! In fact, many of us have started thinking about, and beginning to start, Act 2 of our lives.

I think a good place to start is to just do something. Anything. Maybe it's a part-time job locally, like at a store or a recreation center, at a school or as an admin somewhere. Look at Indeed or Craigslist for starters. They say it's easier to find a job when you have a job, so I think doing something is better than nothing.

If it's education you're interested in, start with one class at your local CC. The class could be in something you're interested in just for fun, or maybe as a step toward a new career.

I just think it's a good idea to take one little step because you never know what it will morph into.

Yes.  I didn't think ahead when my homeschooling was winding down.  I am older - 62, had my kids late in life - and my last years of homeschooling were hard and frustrating.  I was burned out and exhausted and wanted to do nothing for a year but read novels, drink coffee, and go for walks.

Even if you don't think you will want or need to go back to work, start thinking of things that you might like to do, and start working on related skills now.  Get a small job or do some volunteer work. Something to have a reference and some recent experience on your resume.  (I never thought I would be looking for work at my age and after 20 years at home, but I am.)

A friend of mine did did Master Gardener training.  That training is free in some places (maybe most, but not where I live) and there is some volunteer work involved. But then she was able to get a nice job in a nursery and loves it.  Even if she hadn't wanted a job, gardening is a great way to keep active. 

[Liz CA]

1 hour ago, 6packofun said:

Yes.  My life has been put on hold by late-blooming young adults, a series of health setbacks (none serious, but I'm getting a hysterectomy next month), and a difficult youngest child that all combine to make me feel super TRAPPED right now.  My husband is blossoming and doing so well, working hard, hardly home, and I'm just STUCK.  *sigh*  I know that things will get exponentially better after my hysterectomy but my brain is so bored.  I started a Bible study at my church and one young mom in my group said that she hates Bible studies because they feel like lectures and she went to law school for so long that she doesn't want to do more "school" work.  I just can't handle that kind of attitude and need to use my mind before I lose it.  LOL  (I understand where she is coming from, but even when I had young children at home, I enjoyed Bible study so we're different and that's fine...I just can't be around that, though!)

I want to do so many things but I don't feel in control of my own destiny yet somehow.  ?  And I worry that I won't have the stamina to follow through and that will disappoint me SO bad.

 

I think not thinking of the whole ball of wax but instead thinking of the next thing you could / want to do may work. When I went back to get another degree, I did not allow myself to think of how long this would take but took one class after another and one day I was done.

If you are a visual person, mapping several possibilities out on paper may be helpful as well. I had a lot more energy after the hyster (after recovery) so there is something to look forward to.

[MysteryJen]

1 hour ago, KungFuPanda said:

This would be easier if we were men. We could just choose a mistress or a motorcycle and be done with it. ?

Hmm, I finished homeschooling. My last two will be in ps high school. People asked me if I was having an affair (emphatic no- who has the energy?), my kids forbade me from getting a motorcycle, so I got two new tattoos and proclaimed a sabbatical year next year. I am going to do exactly what I want to do with no apologies.

I am kicking my year off with a solo road trip (alas, still to a swim meet) in July.

[Wheres Toto]

I've been feeling the same way.  I do have a "career" I could go back to since I was doing it relatively recently (thanks to dh's "self-employed" phase), but it's not something I enjoy doing.  I mostly don't hate it but I don't want to do it unless I absolutely have to.  

I started my own business teaching science to homeschoolers.  Last year I sublet space from someone I knew that had a classroom that sat empty during the day.  That allowed me to judge interest without committing to a lease.  We will be renting our own space starting in August.  It's something I enjoy, can still homeschool my kids while doing it, plus they get the benefit of meeting lots of homeschoolers their ages.  Dd in particular has made some great friends.

[regentrude]

I have been feeling similar, and that is despite always having worked part time. When my DD left for college, I increased work to full time and took on a major project, but despite taking more of my time, it still left me with a feeling of being purposeless. I wrote about it here, and got many interesting responses, so I am including a link to that thread. It took me two years to regain equilibrium and find my new normal, and DS leaving for college last year put me through another bout.

 

[City Mouse]

I don't know if it is helpful to tell you that I am 49 and more hopeful,than I have been in a long time. 

I am happy to have just left a long time career that I was very burned out on, and my youngest is starting 11th grade at a new school where I hope I will not have to be so envolvened in the details of his schooling. My older one is 23 and still lives at home, but has a Full time job with real benefits (but low pay) that is a very good fit for her AU characteristics. 

I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I am starting to make plans for when DS graduates. I recently bought a small used travel trailer that needs some work, and I am slowly working to fix it up for the first trip I will take after DS graduates which gives me 2 yrs to work on it. 

What I really wish i could find was a place in my small community where I could volunteer and actually do some good. There is a ladies church group that runs a thrift store. I could volunteer there, but the ladies are all 20-30 yrs older than me and very set in their ways. There isn't really anything for me to do there. I may do some volunteer tutoring at the local elem school once I have had a bit of a break from teaching.

[klmama]

Patty Joanna, if you think the alopecia is an issue affecting your job search, would a lovely head-covering like the ones this woman wears be helpful?  https://www.youtube.com/user/andreagrinberg/videos   

As for what to do once the last one graduates, I've been thinking about that myself.  I'll be in my late 50s then, and it's not going to be an ideal time to start the job search. The options I used to think I would explore are no longer available.  I'll have to keep watch for that open door....

[PeterPan]

If you don't need to work or become a millionaire (haha), then you might pursue volunteer work. It's almost limitless what is out there, and usually when you get into something and show promise they throw some more things at you, lol. 

That's my plan to redefine my life as ds gets older. I've thought about doing some tutoring using my skills, but really I think the clock is ticking. Like you, I'll be approaching 50 as my need to work with him winds down. I just don't see it. I'm multi-faceted enough that I basically enjoy and do well ANYTHING I do. I don't have to get stuck or hold to one stage. I can move on and reinvent myself with new things to learn.

Fwiw, I'll probably also need to take up some hobbies at that time. I have some quilting dreams to get done, and I think I'd like to explore an actual artistic side, like those books on japanese watercolor you see at Hobby Lobby or something. I won't be very good at it, lol, but it still interests me. Maybe I'll take a class.

PS. You should definitely do the bodybuilding. THAT you can do. Definitely. 

[wintermom]

On 6/26/2018 at 5:03 PM, regentrude said:

I have been feeling similar, and that is despite always having worked part time. When my DD left for college, I increased work to full time and took on a major project, but despite taking more of my time, it still left me with a feeling of being purposeless. I wrote about it here, and got many interesting responses, so I am including a link to that thread. It took me two years to regain equilibrium and find my new normal, and DS leaving for college last year put me through another bout.

 

So glad you discovered a "new normal."  Could you describe the process of how you accomplished this? I would love to hear about it.  Did you branch out and try something completely new, or build on something you already do and enjoy?

[elegantlion]

I started college at 46, because of divorce, not slump -although I was in that too. It has helped. I'm headed to grad school this fall at age 51. 

I found a niche with history, and I know that I'll never have the job prospects younger students will, but I'm still investing into my education. 

It has given me friends - most of which are in their 30s - a way to stretch myself in ways I haven't in years or never thought I would. 

My original plan for when ds finished high school was to work part time and write novels. That fell apart when I got divorced. School was a huge step of reinvention. I don't regret it for a bit. 

 

[regentrude]

8 hours ago, wintermom said:

So glad you discovered a "new normal."  Could you describe the process of how you accomplished this? I would love to hear about it.  Did you branch out and try something completely new, or build on something you already do and enjoy?

I spent a lot of time thinking and analyzing what exactly I was looking for. I knew that I didn't define myself solely by my job. I love my job and am very good at it, but it is something I do, not who I am. I had found that increasing work hours and responsibilities was not the solution for the emptiness inside. I was not just looking to fill hours (which I could easily have done with various activities), but needed something that fills me with purpose and brings me deep joy.

The winter after DD had left for college, I participated in an online creativity retreat for women where I realized how much I had neglected my creative side. I started the new year resolved to try as many new things as I could. I went to informal art classes, took salsa lessons, learned to crochet. I performed as the soprano soloist with the hardest piece of music I had ever sung. I sought out new hiking destinations and started a fb page for hiking in the area. I became involved in a local Red Tent circle and with the women's community center. I resumed journaling, which had often helped me through crises. And eventually I realized that what I really wanted to do with my life was to write poetry, something I had loved in my youth, but that had fallen completely by the wayside during the active mothering years. I set myself a tangible goal to work towards: a collection worth publishing by my 50th birthday. 

I am now spending serious time writing. I read poetry and books about poetry, am active in an online poetry forum, took an online course. I have published in our university's literary journal and a few other places. And no, I didn't make the collection "deadline" , but this specific goal became completely unimportant once I had decided to embark on the path towards it. Making poetry a priority lets me grow a side of myself that I have neglected for so many years. I feel that I have unblocked my creativity, and this spills over into a my spiritual life. And I notice that when I am in a temporary slump or feel depressed, writing always makes me feel better and more alive.

Sorry this ended up so long - it was a long process that just needed time.

[dirty ethel rackham]

49 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I spent a lot of time thinking and analyzing what exactly I was looking for. I knew that I didn't define myself solely by my job. I love my job and am very good at it, but it is something I do, not who I am. I had found that increasing work hours and responsibilities was not the solution for the emptiness inside. I was not just looking to fill hours (which I could easily have done with various activities), but needed something that fills me with purpose and brings me deep joy.

The winter after DD had left for college, I participated in an online creativity retreat for women where I realized how much I had neglected my creative side. I started the new year resolved to try as many new things as I could. I went to informal art classes, took salsa lessons, learned to crochet. I performed as the soprano soloist with the hardest piece of music I had ever sung. I sought out new hiking destinations and started a fb page for hiking in the area. I became involved in a local Red Tent circle and with the women's community center. I resumed journaling, which had often helped me through crises. And eventually I realized that what I really wanted to do with my life was to write poetry, something I had loved in my youth, but that had fallen completely by the wayside during the active mothering years. I set myself a tangible goal to work towards: a collection worth publishing by my 50th birthday. 

I am now spending serious time writing. I read poetry and books about poetry, am active in an online poetry forum, took an online course. I have published in our university's literary journal and a few other places. And no, I didn't make the collection "deadline" , but this specific goal became completely unimportant once I had decided to embark on the path towards it. Making poetry a priority lets me grow a side of myself that I have neglected for so many years. I feel that I have unblocked my creativity, and this spills over into a my spiritual life. And I notice that when I am in a temporary slump or feel depressed, writing always makes me feel better and more alive.

Sorry this ended up so long - it was a long process that just needed time.

I'm so happy you have found what was missing. 

I'm still looking.  For me, my missing piece is community.  Friends and family have distanced themselves from me.  My church community evaporated.  Dd leaving in the fall is really hitting me hard.

There are lots of things I would like to do, but they are meaningless to me without someone to share the experience with.  I've tried just doing it and hoping to meet people and build community, but that hasn't happened those connections are superficial and temporary.  Perhaps I like to do more "young person" things, but I'm not a young person.  I love to rock climb, but not many people want to climb with someone who looks like their mom or just can't hop in the car for a road trip (and camping ... ouch) to the crag 6 hours away.  I just can't seem to find people who accept me and will commit to being there.  (I can't boulder ... landing is just too painful.)  

I like yoga (actually, it is not the doing yoga, but how I feel afterwards), but I feel like an outsider.  I'd like to take a painting class or ceramics.  But I just don't want to do it myself.  I can't seem to drag myself to volunteer without feeling like someone would really be mad at me if I didn't show up.  Dh is a great guy, but he is an engineer and doesnt get my need for talking.  

I am working toward an associates in a field far removed from my old career and the subject matter is interesting, but the process is somewhat infantilizing.  And I am old enough to be mom to just about every student in my classes.  

[wintermom]

4 hours ago, regentrude said:

I spent a lot of time thinking and analyzing what exactly I was looking for. I knew that I didn't define myself solely by my job. I love my job and am very good at it, but it is something I do, not who I am. I had found that increasing work hours and responsibilities was not the solution for the emptiness inside. I was not just looking to fill hours (which I could easily have done with various activities), but needed something that fills me with purpose and brings me deep joy.

The winter after DD had left for college, I participated in an online creativity retreat for women where I realized how much I had neglected my creative side. I started the new year resolved to try as many new things as I could. I went to informal art classes, took salsa lessons, learned to crochet. I performed as the soprano soloist with the hardest piece of music I had ever sung. I sought out new hiking destinations and started a fb page for hiking in the area. I became involved in a local Red Tent circle and with the women's community center. I resumed journaling, which had often helped me through crises. And eventually I realized that what I really wanted to do with my life was to write poetry, something I had loved in my youth, but that had fallen completely by the wayside during the active mothering years. I set myself a tangible goal to work towards: a collection worth publishing by my 50th birthday. 

I am now spending serious time writing. I read poetry and books about poetry, am active in an online poetry forum, took an online course. I have published in our university's literary journal and a few other places. And no, I didn't make the collection "deadline" , but this specific goal became completely unimportant once I had decided to embark on the path towards it. Making poetry a priority lets me grow a side of myself that I have neglected for so many years. I feel that I have unblocked my creativity, and this spills over into a my spiritual life. And I notice that when I am in a temporary slump or feel depressed, writing always makes me feel better and more alive.

Sorry this ended up so long - it was a long process that just needed time.

Very cool! Thanks for writing this all down. Interesting how many different activities you tried before finding the one really satisfying thing. All the best with your poetry collection! Please let us know how things go and when you publish. 

[regentrude]

2 hours ago, wintermom said:

Very cool! Thanks for writing this all down. Interesting how many different activities you tried before finding the one really satisfying thing. 

Just want to clarify : I didn't try out those activities in order to see if any of them were THE thing; I tried them in order to have new experiences and see what shakes lose. I never once expected to fill the void by crocheting or salsa dancing; that was not the objective. Experiencing new things changes thinking and brings new ideas. Travel would have been perfect for the purpose, that's why sabbatical are so powerful.

[regentrude]

3 hours ago, dirty ethel rackham said:

Perhaps I like to do more "young person" things, but I'm not a young person.  I love to rock climb, but not many people want to climb with someone who looks like their mom or just can't hop in the car for a road trip (and camping ... ouch) to the crag 6 hours away.  I just can't seem to find people who accept me and will commit to being there.  (I can't boulder ... landing is just too painful.)  

I like yoga (actually, it is not the doing yoga, but how I feel afterwards), but I feel like an outsider.  I'd like to take a painting class or ceramics.  But I just don't want to do it myself.  

I hear you about the community,  I need that as well. But I want to encourage you to keep looking for climbing partners. It is not a "young person thing" (says the woman who just spent her 50th birthday rock climbing ). There must be other women who would love to climb and are looking for a partner, have you tried clubs and message boards? It is the perfect sport to pursue into older age, because you can tailor the difficulty to the ability. (Alas, long drives to the rocks may be hard to avoid... )

Good luck. Perhaps you can try that painting class and find friends there?

[Tsuga]

On 6/26/2018 at 10:09 AM, laundrycrisis said:

I am wondering if anyone else out there has the same thing going on. I have an alarm going off, kind of like a biological clock but not about babies. I am approaching 50. I no longer have a career, and I will have to start all over to make one, but I think I’m still too tied up with kids to be a reliable employee anywhere. I’m a little good at a lot of things, but not super good at anything.  I’m homeschooling two kids, almost two teens, who need and want me less and less each day, except for money and transportation (IMO this is not a bad thing).  I have no idea what’s next or when I can begin whatever it is.  And then there are also the usual depressing anchors of being a bit overweight and the house not being ready for a photo shoot, lol.  I feel humdrum and unremarkable. I’m taking care of what matters most to me right now, and that’s good.  I worry that when I feel freed up for something different, it will be too late in life for anything to work out. 

I wonder if it’s possible that I can be one of those women who at 60 is a bodybuilder/triathlete etc, gets a tattoo ( I don’t like them but I’m flexible), starts a business on a crazy idea and becomes a millionaire ?   I’m thinking a lot about what life might be like in 5-6 years. 

 

I don't know about a millionaire but most of those latter goals seem pretty do-able. I don't want a tattoo personally but all the rest I have kind of done. You just have to get up and do them. You might not get to world champion level but who cares?

[dirty ethel rackham]

56 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I hear you about the community,  I need that as well. But I want to encourage you to keep looking for climbing partners. It is not a "young person thing" (says the woman who just spent her 50th birthday rock climbing ). There must be other women who would love to climb and are looking for a partner, have you tried clubs and message boards? It is the perfect sport to pursue into older age, because you can tailor the difficulty to the ability. (Alas, long drives to the rocks may be hard to avoid... )

Good luck. Perhaps you can try that painting class and find friends there?

I have.  But the people who would have me as a partner always seem to flake on me.  When I have tried to connect with younger climbers, when they see me, they all of the sudden "remember that their friend is coming after all." The gym my daughter trains at has a group for women, but it is bouldering, which limits it to younger women ... at least young enough to withstand landing.  I asked them to expand it to rope climbing, or to help form another one that includes rope.  But they just didn't see my point that it was age discrimination.  I am letting my membership go at this gym after dd's Nationals since I won't be taking her to practice (she doesn't need to do homework on the commute anymore).  I'll just use a punch card to go in when I have someone specific to climb with.

There is a somewhat closer gym that does have a group for women over 30, but I don't like this gym as much.  The setting is erratic and relies too much on pulling hard rather than interesting technical challenges (less puzzle-like and more a test of brute strength.)  I will likely go there and give it a try again and see if I can make some connections there.   I'd love to do more outdoor climbing, but, even without the long drives to the crag (closest is over 3 hours away) and needing people who can set anchors, the hikes in are arduous for my aging knees and my reconstructed ankle (and reduced lung capacity from H1N1).  I can't lead due to the risk of damage to my ankle on a less than gentle catch  (Plus, I just don't like to, so there.)  Due to my limitations, not many invitations for outdoor excursions come my way.

Regarding painting, I'm struggling with some social anxiety to try these things (which I am working on.)  I did try a class and I felt very out of place. Everyone seemed to know each other already and I felt like I was in the way. Dh and I are thinking of doing a ceramics class, which would be good for us.  But it won't help me with the friend thing.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

11 hours ago, dirty ethel rackham said:

I'm so happy you have found what was missing. 

I'm still looking.  For me, my missing piece is community.  Friends and family have distanced themselves from me.  My church community evaporated.  Dd leaving in the fall is really hitting me hard.

There are lots of things I would like to do, but they are meaningless to me without someone to share the experience with.  I've tried just doing it and hoping to meet people and build community, but that hasn't happened those connections are superficial and temporary.  Perhaps I like to do more "young person" things, but I'm not a young person.  I love to rock climb, but not many people want to climb with someone who looks like their mom or just can't hop in the car for a road trip (and camping ... ouch) to the crag 6 hours away.  I just can't seem to find people who accept me and will commit to being there.  (I can't boulder ... landing is just too painful.)  <snip>

This is me. I am missing a community (or tribe as some like to call it). Even with my new job. I am old enough to be the mom of some of the other coaches. I have to laugh, though, because I think I do cool and interesting things - kayaking, camping (tent or pop up), hiking, long distance biking, and tennis. The groups I see are either young enough to be my children or old enough to be my parents. I haven't run into many people my age (mid-40s) doing any of these activities. I chalk it up to my generation being busy with work and trying to handle the responsibilities of being part of the sandwich generation. It also doesn't help that I do not attend church; church participation is one of the biggest avenues for socialization in my town.

It stinks not having a community. I would love to kayak more often than I do but it's not something I want to do alone - there is a degree of danger and solo kayaking on rivers isn't the smartest thing to do. Carting my bike 100 miles to ride a trail by myself is doable but not as fun as it would be with a friend. I put the invitations out there but everyone always has an excuse  - too hot, too far away, too busy - or they say how wonderful it sounds and we'll 'do it soon' and I never hear from them again. 

It's difficult to stay positive.

((DER))

[EKS]

I definitely have had that feeling for several years now.  It caused me to get a master's degree and now I'm getting another.  I'll be done with that next spring, and then I don't know what I'll do.

[threewishes]

When I turned 50 two years ago, I was feeling how you are now. Although I was a full-time teacher, my daughter had just become a teenager and no longer needed me like she did before. We were still home schooling, but she was much more independent. I began to really focus on my needs for the first time since she had been born. I started walking and lost 20 pounds. I upgraded my wardrobe, and joined groups to meet friends. I met my now best friend that way, and her support has been amazing. My husband and I are separated, but still living together mostly for financial reasons. It has been very amicable because we both realized that we really want different things out of life. We have separate bedrooms, and my daughter describes the three of us as roommates ? A few years ago, I would have been super depressed about ever thinking of divorce and eventually being on my own, but making the positive changes I've made, including separation as a married couple, has been beneficially for me and my family.

[chiguirre]

I'm in the same sort of place but with the limiting condition that I am only free from 9:30-2:30 M-F because of GW's school schedule. I can't leave him alone for more than a quick trip to the grocery store and I don't feel comfortable leaving him with a caregiver because of his quirks (although his siblings can watch him safely). Basically, I'm unemployable except for maybe working from home. I do hope to find a volunteer gig once Trinqueta can drive and Geezle graduates high school and starts his young adult program.

When I get down though, I remind myself that my mom started a whole other job when she was 55. She stuck with it for more than 20 years and just retired this spring. Life doesn't stop at 65 and you can reinvent yourself.

[wintermom]

2 hours ago, The Accidental Coach said:

This is me. I am missing a community (or tribe as some like to call it). Even with my new job. I am old enough to be the mom of some of the other coaches. I have to laugh, though, because I think I do cool and interesting things - kayaking, camping (tent or pop up), hiking, long distance biking, and tennis. The groups I see are either young enough to be my children or old enough to be my parents. I haven't run into many people my age (mid-40s) doing any of these activities. I chalk it up to my generation being busy with work and trying to handle the responsibilities of being part of the sandwich generation. It also doesn't help that I do not attend church; church participation is one of the biggest avenues for socialization in my town.

It stinks not having a community. I would love to kayak more often than I do but it's not something I want to do alone - there is a degree of danger and solo kayaking on rivers isn't the smartest thing to do. Carting my bike 100 miles to ride a trail by myself is doable but not as fun as it would be with a friend. I put the invitations out there but everyone always has an excuse  - too hot, too far away, too busy - or they say how wonderful it sounds and we'll 'do it soon' and I never hear from them again. 

It's difficult to stay positive.

((DER))

I wish I was closer to you, as I'd be your buddy for all those activities! I love kayaking, hiking and biking, and try to do those as much as I can either with a friend or a family member. Tennis is great as my dh is even more passionate about it than I am (and I LOVE IT). We play together 3 - 4 times a week. The nice thing with having so many interests, is that you can spread around the activities with various people. 

 

[wintermom]

10 hours ago, regentrude said:

Just want to clarify : I didn't try out those activities in order to see if any of them were THE thing; I tried them in order to have new experiences and see what shakes lose. I never once expected to fill the void by crocheting or salsa dancing; that was not the objective. Experiencing new things changes thinking and brings new ideas. Travel would have been perfect for the purpose, that's why sabbatical are so powerful.

That is a really good point. Sometimes trying something new opens up other opportunities and possibilities unrelated to the original activity.  I remember that happening back-in-the-day when I was working. When you are out there in contact with a lot of different people, all kinds of different opportunities come up that I would never have known about. 

[marbel]

I am another who is missing community.  And I wonder why it seems that more and more I hear of people who just can't seem to find their place, their tribe.  

Before we moved 11 years ago, I did have a tribe; they were all homeschooling moms with kids around the ages of mine. I was a good bit older than all of them, having had kids late in life. But because our kids were close in age, and we met when they were babies it didn't matter. We had the same challenges and all that. They didn't see my age, they saw me. 

Then we moved and it seemed that people wanted to stay within their own age group. So even after all these years, I remain an outsider. People seem to want to associate only with those in their exact "demographic."  Someone actually said that once. My husband and I were out to dinner with an associate of his and his wife. They were lamenting that there were no couples in their larger circle in their demographic - at that time, late 40s and kids entering college.  We were close to their demographic (my husband only a little older, me a bit older still, and our kids younger but only by a few years) and we had tons of other things in common.  But they didn't see us as potential friends, just friendly colleagues.  

I find many if not most women my age seem so old in their thinking and attitudes.  I think having had kids late in life, and maybe also being so involved in their educations, makes me feel younger?  

Anyway I  don't think this sort of isolation is the result of the internet and people living more of their lives online.  It's different. I'm reaching out to people but it's not that they don't have time for friendships.  It more seems that the friends have to be exactly like them in every way.  Anyone kwim?

BTW I belong to a good church, a "church family" sort of place. We used to invite people of all ages over a lot. They would come, seem to have a good time, come again when invited again, etc. But we never get invited to others' homes.  My husband and I don't get invited when younger (say, 30s/40s) married couples go out to a pub or something.  There are people who have been to our house countless times but we have never been invited to theirs, though we know they do have people over. I can't figure out what we are doing wrong. 

[G5052]

I can tell you that all of my local agemates are going through the same thing.

Two friends of mine with big families launched their youngest and struggled at first, but then turned around and have become the "help and hospitality" coordinators at our church. When we had to move quickly, they coordinated all of the helpers, cleaning, and yard work. They even arranged meals for all of the helpers. Then came a retired husband in hospice and his wife and their daughter and family. They coordinated meals, and then before the funeral, coordinated cleaning and organizing the widow's house and putting together a reception there. Now a 40-ish husband had a heart attack a month after they moved, and they are coordinating unpacking, meals, and child care. They have been amazing and found their calling. Both have told me that they are loving this role.

My husband and I separated a few months after my youngest graduated. I've struggled with what that means of course. Most of the months since have been focused on moving, unpacking, and getting the family home sold. I have one part-time job and several small gigs, but am still looking and trying to figure out what the future looks like. I'm picking up a creative hobby I had to put aside and started a class in that which I'm really enjoying.

A friend told me not long ago that the key for her was to move forward on some things and see how it all shakes out. She tried some volunteer work that she didn't enjoy, and part-time job at an office that was very disorganized. Then she took in an elderly aunt that is paying her rent and requires just a little help here-and-there and is mentoring a woman who was homeless and is now in transitional housing. Those two things are very fulfilling to her.

So I think the key is to try some things and see what comes of it. You don't have to hit it 100% the first time. 

[laundrycrisis]

Thank you all ?