Do you have a kid who doesn't like extra curriculars?

[NewIma]

DD7 asks to do activities, we sign her up, and within 2 weeks she is over it. We have to drag her to practice or lessons, she complains all the time, and when she is at an activity she acts like a lump or wet noodle. This has happened with soccer, softball, capoeria, girl scouts, choir, and swimming. We are still having her do capoeria, girl scouts, choir, and swimming but she is not exactly enthusiastic. I want her to do swimming because I think kids need to learn to swim. I want her to do choir as part of her music education. DH says it isn't worth the drama and we should just let her drop out. Has anyone else had a kid like this? Do you push them and deal with the whining or just let them drop out of everything?

[Rachel]

At that age I would make her finish anything she asked to sign up for and after that have her do maybe one activity.  

[Garga]

Those were my kids.  They're going into 8th and 11th now and are still the same way.  It's their basic personality.  They're introverted homebodies.  That's not such a surprise, however, as my dh and I are the same way, so not a big shocker there.

I insisted that they

#1:  join the church's youth group and attend Sunday School.  They are happy to do so and enjoy it, so that's good.

#2:  do ONE extra curricular.  They chose Hap Ki Do.  I tell them that they cannot quit Hap Ki Do, unless they find something else to take its place.  

#3:  get a job when they turn 14 (if they can--right now our little town hires 14 yo at a couple of the restaurants.)  If they don't want a job, then they have to pick a second extra curricular for high school.  My oldest has had a job for a year and a half now. 

Your daughter is 7 and in 4 activities and is unhappy with them all.  From my homebody, introverted point of view, that's too much.  I agree with you about swimming and possibly choir, but with an end date for the swimming.  Once she learns how to swim, then swimming stops.  And choir might be what she does until she finds something better (like how my boys do Hap Ki Do, unless they find something better, which they haven't yet.)  

However, once she does sign up for something, I think it's important to see it through for a set amount of time.  I wouldn't sign her up for 4 things at the same time, though.  That's overload.  Some people greatly dislike having so much of their time spent on out-of-the-house regulated activities. I'd sign her up for one thing at a time, with a set time limit on it. 

 

[katilac]

Can you compromise? Four extracurriculars is a lot for a young kid who doesn't like them, lol.

Tell her she can pick one to drop for starters, except for swimming. Keep that one till she reaches a certain safety level if you wish. See how it goes with 3, and possibly let her drop another one. 

If you want an exercise-oriented one, that could be capoeria or swimming, it doesn't have to be both. Music education can be addressed in many ways, particularly at that young of an age.

Those four activities seem like they would require leaving the house at least four times a week, yes? That's a hassle rather than a pleasure to many people, kids included. She's really young. I'd let her stay home and play if that's what she wants. And, bonus, staying home to play is free ?

 

[Farrar]

At that age, I wouldn't force it. I do generally have a finish it out policy, but if a kid was really miserable, especially at age 7, I wouldn't make them. I mean, she's little. Who cares.

Now, if there are things you're requiring because you see them as core to what you want to impart to your kids - music lessons of some kind, the ability of swim safely and confidently, etc. - then that's different from extracurriculars to me. It's not "extra." Still, for a kid who is averse to classes or groups, I might look for another way.

I would say... what's the reason she dislikes it? Does she have enough social outlets? Is it anxiety related? Is she just an introvert? If she wants to be doing these things, but then she gets overwhelmed or anxious, I might address it differently than if she's just being a fickle kid.

[lovinmyboys]

Yes, my 8yr old doesn’t like doing activities. Today the neighbor asked him what was one thing he wanted to do this summer and he said stay home and play toys. He does coop, homeschool soccer, and little league baseball. The first two our whole family does, so he has to come. I have signed him up for other things in the past because generally I think it is good for kids to have a wide range of experiences. I have decided it isn’t really worth the fight with him.

I think the advice to decide what is non negotiable for you (swimming) and what is extracurricular. No one has to do an extracurricular-it is extra.

[Murphy101]

Don’t throw flames at me but....

I have held the view for many many years that almost anything before age 10 is almost always unnecessary. 

But I’m usually in the less is more and later is better camps. 

[SKL]

Both of my kids groan about some things.  One groans about most things.  Including things she chose to sign up for.  It gets old.  ? 

She does like horse riding, so she does that a few times a week.  Lucky for her that I'm able to make it happen.  I am happy that she has decided not to sign up for several other sports this year - it's better than signing up and then moaning about it or participating without enthusiasm and dragging down the team.

Here's what I do require - and you don't have to agree with me, it's just what feels right for my family.

• Swimming skills and self-defense skills.  Can quit when mastery is achieved.
• An hour of physical activity most days.  My kids have a choice as to what sport / activity (within limits).  It doesn't have to be a class.
• Some musical activity.  Could be done individually at home if preferred.
• Scouts.  This is not my kids' favorite, but I push it because I feel there is a lot to be gained from it.  Might change my mind at some point if they don't start to take ownership.
• Church / Sunday School.
• Volunteer work.

I might note that the above pretty much apply to adults as well as kids in my home.  Except for scouts, we all try to do those things to the extent we can.  That helps to set the tone I guess.

[Murphy101]

I’d make her do swimming because drowning sucks. But maybe a different swim program would be more suited to her and more enjoyable.

Otherwise, I’d scrap all of that.

[gardenmom5]

yep.  btdt.. . . I made him pick an  activity - or I would pick an activity.   I even resorted  to "rewarding" him for participation.  he could sit on the side and do nothing.  many MA will allow a "free lesson" to try it out.  he would still sit on the side.  we changed things and are back and now at least he is enjoying it.  he's 13. . . if he had one-on-one - he was fine. (and a good fit for a teacher)  but group - forget it.

I'd find out what is going on?  too many activities?  too many other kids?   does she need a more one-on-one thing?   is she anxious?   perfectionist?  overtired?  too noisy?  not enough "down" time?

I consider my sil to have been extremely patient with one of hers.  she wanted her kids to do instruments.  he. kept. changing. instruments.  until he found something he liked. now,  he's a professional cellist.

consider the exposure to acitvities as just that - exposure.   she'll never know about those things if she doens't.  assure her when __ session is over, she can try something else - but she needs to do the activity session she asked to do.

[Farrar]

30 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

Don’t throw flames at me but....

I have held the view for many many years that almost anything before age 10 is almost always unnecessary. 

But I’m usually in the less is more and later is better camps. 

See, I have kids who liked most of their activities, so in that sense, the early activities didn't feel like a waste to me. But the problem I see is that if you wait until age 10 for a lot of things, you're closed out. You can't start many sports, gymnastics, ballet, you're "too old" for a lot of the beginning music opportunities that I'm aware of... I mean, I think it's absurd. Ten is not too old for anything! But practically speaking, at least around here, your options are more limited. There are always other things you can do - less common sports starting up, other forms of dance, private music lessons if you have the cash... and some activities, like art and theater, seem to have casual opportunities to start as a tween or teen. But there are limits, which is just plain annoying. Sigh.

[mathnerd]

Maybe she has perfectionism issues. That may be why she does not want to attempt the activities after she signs up. I would make her continue swimming - it is a life skill and also good exercise. You can tell her that she can drop out of swimming after she learns all the 4 strokes and can swim comfortably from one end of the pool to the other. As for choir, if that does not interest her anymore, can you take her to trial lessons of musical instruments? She might love something else and take it up.

My son does a sport and a martial art and it is very hard work physically to do both at a high level simultaneously. Many kids do not like that kind of workload and schedules. Maybe you can drop all the other sports and stick with swimming until she is proficient in it. 

I think that for a kid who is not enthusiastic, you can insist on swimming and a performing art (instrument of her choice) and drop all the rest. In the future, let her know that she needs to commit to achieving some reasonable milestones in any activity that she wants to sign up for.

[regentrude]

I would not force a kid that age to do any organized activities, let alone four at the same time.

I think it is normal that she says she wants to do something at first - because it sounds good, but she has no clear idea what to expect. I would let her do a couple weeks of trial lessons, but not commit. I don't think it is bad that she tries things and does not like them - that's part of what childhood is all about. We didn't do organized activities until age 10, and it wasn't until 13 that DS found something he actually liked and that sparked a passion.

There can be many reasons why  a kid doens't like the activities she has been signed up for. Does she like doing group activities at all? My introverted DS hated group activities for years, until he discovered something he really enjoyed as a teen.

[Murphy101]

7 hours ago, Farrar said:

See, I have kids who liked most of their activities, so in that sense, the early activities didn't feel like a waste to me. But the problem I see is that if you wait until age 10 for a lot of things, you're closed out. You can't start many sports, gymnastics, ballet, you're "too old" for a lot of the beginning music opportunities that I'm aware of... I mean, I think it's absurd. Ten is not too old for anything! But practically speaking, at least around here, your options are more limited. There are always other things you can do - less common sports starting up, other forms of dance, private music lessons if you have the cash... and some activities, like art and theater, seem to have casual opportunities to start as a tween or teen. But there are limits, which is just plain annoying. Sigh.

 

I do recognize that ridiculous shift shuts older kids out. I think it’s stupid nuts to shut out like that and just back when I was a kid, starting at 10ish was far more the norm. 

[HomeAgain]

We try to do one long term, one short term activity at a time.  The long term activity is something I find necessary for their development (scouts, music, p.e...) that offers something that I cannot provide at home as easily.  The short term is a "try it out" thing that they have more input on.  So far this year ds has done skating, theatre, gardening..he'll do swimming this summer.

My rule is that long term activities have to be stuck to for 2 years at least before reassessing.  Short term have to be seen through the 4-6 weeks.  I don't care about complaints in that time frame.  We reassess at the end and decide if it's worth signing up for again.  I guess I see it as kind of grumbling about math or reading.  I'm not going to lend it as much weight if I see it as a developmental good- but I also think the balance of downtime is good, too.  Too many activities leave a child feeling stressed and unable to find a true enjoyment of it all.

[Desert Strawberry]

We do a lot of short term activities at that age. A one day dance class or a one week sports clinic. I don't think it's fair to expect a child to understand the commitment of a monthly or longer session. 

I'll echo the others that four is too many. My kids take turns, and only one thing at a time. It ends up being maybe 3 to 4 a year.

[elegantlion]

Ds hated extra curricular. We were also broke a lot, so he would do one thing at a time. Swim lessons, done for 2 weeks each in the summer, were non-negotiable and the one thing he loved. He tried basketball - hated it, baseball - really hated it (we let him quit after he got hit in the head with a ball). 

We found inexpensive and structured beginning and ending activities, generally through a rec center, like 8 week classes. By the time he was 10, we realized more extra curriculars were a waste of time for him, he wanted to do indoor things, like work on computers. He still works on computers at age 20. In fact, he's doing an independent study  of programming with a professor this summer. 

He and I took up hiking at state parks and walking as a physical activity. It was cheaper and less structured. 

 

[wintermom]

Four extra-curricular activities all at the same time at age 7 seems to be too much for this child. It sounds like too much driving for parents, too.  It's great she wants to try new things, but life is not a sprint where you need to do everything all at once. Try things in smaller doses, and spread them out. Don't over-extend the family now because as the children get older there seem to be MORE activities they become involved in, instead of less.

[Desert Strawberry]

To clarify, we do a lot of one-day type stuff. Homeschool skating, ice skating, hiking, art festivals, craft classes, musical events, puppet shows, science classes, town parties, lots LOTS of swimming, preschool play, co-op, park days, game days, trampoline parks, indoor rock climbing, and on and on. But none of these require a commitment. 
 

OP something to consider is WHY does she need all these things?
Music can be taught at home. Put on some classical music and read about the composer. Sing folk songs together. Maybe invest in a lap harp. 
Physical fitness can be attained in so many different (and more effective) ways than a structured class. Take her out for a walk, a bike ride, a swim, have a dance party, do yoga together, do a fun exercise video together. These are practical, sustainable activities that are more likely to stay with her for life than playing t ball. 

Obviously, for a social outlet, you do need something stable outside of the house. I think Girl Scouts are great for that. And possibly once she isn't feeling so burned out by all the other things, she might be able to look forward to and enjoy it more. However, there are other ways to meet that need as well so girl scouts isn't necessary if it isn't a good fit. 

 

[sassenach]

She hates it because she is overscheduled. Drop scouts and capoeira. Keep the other 2 and see how it goes. I tend to thing music is something that is worth pushing through. Swimming is a non-negotiable lifeskill. She might be an introvert, so I would be very careful about what you commit to from here on out. 

[Mimm]

That is a lot of activities but I can see the value in them all. If anything I'd have her drop the capoeria class (I had to google what that is and it looks so cool!) ? But keep choir for music, swimming for safety and PE, and girl scouts for social, etc. (Or drop scouts if you don't like the social aspect of it.) And I'd work with her on her attitude about them. That's the real problem here. I would talk about the very specific things that she does and work with her on reframing how she thinks of them.  And I would offer a little reward if she does the activity without whining. At first, do plenty of reminding, because it's a new habit you are trying to build. Plenty of praise. And I would probably take screen time away if zero effort was made on her part to improve the situation. Once her attitude improves, she will probably find that she enjoys her activities a lot more.

[Ellie]

13 hours ago, NewIma said:

DD7 asks to do activities, we sign her up, and within 2 weeks she is over it. We have to drag her to practice or lessons, she complains all the time, and when she is at an activity she acts like a lump or wet noodle. This has happened with soccer, softball, capoeria, girl scouts, choir, and swimming. We are still having her do capoeria, girl scouts, choir, and swimming but she is not exactly enthusiastic. I want her to do swimming because I think kids need to learn to swim. I want her to do choir as part of her music education. DH says it isn't worth the drama and we should just let her drop out. Has anyone else had a kid like this? Do you push them and deal with the whining or just let them drop out of everything?

Honestly, those are a boatload of activities for a little person who is just 7. I'm guessing y'all are out of the house every day of the week, and if not every day, then some days y'all are gone all.day.long.

I would complain all the time, too.

Soccer *and* softball *and* swimming *and* capoeria? No. That's way too much. (I had never heard of capoeria, so I looked it up. Martial arts, yes? If not, sorry. You'll have to describe it for me.)

How long has she been doing swimming? If longer than a few weeks, how long do you think it takes someone to learn how to swim? How *well* does she have to swim? Do y'all live on the beach? or on the river? or the lake? or somewhere that it's vital for her to have Official Swimming Lessons?

Does she have to have choir? at seven years old? is there no way to be musically educated without being in a choir when you're just seven?

Some people might be happy being gone so much and doing so many activities. Your daughter is not. And she's not being unreasonable to not to want to be gone so much.

[Pintosrock]

One thing that hasn't been mentioned: try a different venue! For example, dd was very, very excited to take a music class. After the first class, her enthusiasm plummeted. After the session was up, we dropped it. A few months later, she was asking for music classes again. We tried with a different venue/teacher and that has made all the difference! Now she loves it!

[plansrme]

15 hours ago, NewIma said:

 We are still having her do capoeria, girl scouts, choir, and swimming but she is not exactly enthusiastic. 

I'm going to disagree with many of the other posters--I don't know that this is too much.  Girl Scouts is, I assume, once or twice per month; choir is Wednesday nights (like church choirs everywhere), and swimming is either weekly lessons or .you're hard core, competitive track, and it's two or three times a week at this age.  Capoeiria is probably weekly?  That's not a crazy load, especially if these are one-hour activities, although she might find that she likes one more time-consuming activity instead of four light activities.  But, I think the real issue is why she doesn't like extracurriculars.  Is she just a homebody for no good reason, in which case I think you do need to fight any extreme reclusive tendencies; is she lazy, which is a whole 'nuther post; is she a perfectionist, which can present as not wanting to participate for fear of not being able to do it perfectly (and if so, there are techniques that can help a ton with that); does she not want to leave the house because she is too focused on screen time, which can dull the senses; or is she just bored by the presentation or the activity?

I would try to figure out the cause of her reluctance and address that.  She is young, but at that age, my kids were all involved in something that took up 2 or 3 afternoons/week.  I would think long and hard about which activity is a good fit for her personality and your family and maybe try to put her in a more intense level of participation in a single activity, rather than a more scattershot approach.  All of those are large-group activities with lots of noise and OPCs (Other People's Children) running around.  Maybe she would like something calmer and more structured like ballet or sewing classes or a book club?

[catz]

Is this a homeschooled child?  Because if it is, even in early elementary I considered these types of activities central to our homeshool.    My oldest went to school for K and 1st and we did do piano and a 1 hour circus class those 2 years but that was pretty much it until summer when he might try tee-ball, do swim lessons, etc.  I have always found it overwhelming to be 100% on ALL day EVERY day when my kids were young.  It was good for ME for them to burn off some energy a few times a week.  

That said I almost always offered options.  Swmming was a non-negotiable.  Both my kids were slowish to swim but they had to pass red cross level 6 before they were done (that was the highest level available to us).   They always had a music and a physically active activity.  As time went on they wanted to add more stuff.  

If she's asking to try and then melting down - is she a perfectionist?  Does she have problems with transitions? Both of my kids have had struggles with those things at points, but it has been worth it to chip away.  Would she like something else better musically?  Do you have playgroup or play date options where she can just get together with other kids in this age range without structure?  

[Ellie]

29 minutes ago, plansrme said:

I'm going to disagree with many of the other posters--I don't know that this is too much.  Girl Scouts is, I assume, once or twice per month; choir is Wednesday nights (like church choirs everywhere), and swimming is either weekly lessons or .you're hard core, competitive track, and it's two or three times a week at this age.  Capoeiria is probably weekly?  That's not a crazy load, especially if these are one-hour activities, although she might find that she likes one more time-consuming activity instead of four light activities.  But, I think the real issue is why she doesn't like extracurriculars.  Is she just a homebody for no good reason, in which case I think you do need to fight any extreme reclusive tendencies; is she lazy, which is a whole 'nuther post; is she a perfectionist, which can present as not wanting to participate for fear of not being able to do it perfectly (and if so, there are techniques that can help a ton with that); does she not want to leave the house because she is too focused on screen time, which can dull the senses; or is she just bored by the presentation or the activity?

I would try to figure out the cause of her reluctance and address that.  She is young, but at that age, my kids were all involved in something that took up 2 or 3 afternoons/week.  I would think long and hard about which activity is a good fit for her personality and your family and maybe try to put her in a more intense level of participation in a single activity, rather than a more scattershot approach.  All of those are large-group activities with lots of noise and OPCs (Other People's Children) running around.  Maybe she would like something calmer and more structured like ballet or sewing classes or a book club?

You're right: it might or might not be too much. But the fact that the child complains all.the.time suggests that it is to much for *her.*

For several years we did Camp Fire (as independents with older dd, so no club meetings, and then a club for a couple of years with younger dd), 4-H (an evening monthly meeting, plus whatever projects the dc were working on, and so not usually regular meetings/out of the house), Scottish Highland dance (weekly class, usually after 4 in the afternoon), and Missionettes (Wednesday nights at church). We did soccer twice--two practices starting at 4, one game a week on Saturdays, from August through the end of October. It sounded like lots of things, but because of the way they were organized, we didn't feel pressured.

But the OP's dd is not happy, so for her, it could be too much.

[Tsuga]

18 hours ago, NewIma said:

DD7 asks to do activities, we sign her up, and within 2 weeks she is over it. We have to drag her to practice or lessons, she complains all the time, and when she is at an activity she acts like a lump or wet noodle. This has happened with soccer, softball, capoeria, girl scouts, choir, and swimming. We are still having her do capoeria, girl scouts, choir, and swimming but she is not exactly enthusiastic. I want her to do swimming because I think kids need to learn to swim. I want her to do choir as part of her music education. DH says it isn't worth the drama and we should just let her drop out. Has anyone else had a kid like this? Do you push them and deal with the whining or just let them drop out of everything?

 

Oh my gosh that is a lot of activities for a seven year old.

At that age my kids complained about everything. I swear we could have been part of a chocolate cake eating club and they'd fall apart at the door. I don't think this is a sign of not liking things in the long run. It could be transitions, it could be the specific activities, it could just be that she's tired.

My suggestions:

* Protect your time. Either have every weekend free, or every weeknight. She needs down time. So do you.

* Let her choose music and explore. "Okay, you don't like choir. What kind of music class do you think will help you learn? What will you learn there?"

* One sport at a time. When you're doing swim, no capoeria. My kids only did swim every summer. They are great swimmers. The rest of the year it's something else. They get so excited for the pool now!

* Drop Girl Scouts.

* Only let her sign up for one thing at a time and make sure it's a commitment you can deal with. The YMCA and Boys and Girls clubs have short rec seasons that are affordable and that you can get through.  So if she wants to do something, look in Parks & Rec or YMCA. Do that one thing, and talk about the four or six-week cycle.

* Prepare for transitions. Make it easy for her. This is super hard because in our case, we could "prepare" for hours but it was never enough time. In hindsight, a fun car activity often made all the difference. They needed the short-term reward. No I didn't use candy. We used a special car book or something. They are older now and do tons of activities, few complaints.

 

 

[plansrme]

2 hours ago, Ellie said:

 

But the OP's dd is not happy, so for her, it could be too much.

Or, she could just be a complainer, and I have one who was like this for a while, so I say that without judgment.   Or it's not too much, but there's another reason she doesn't like ECs (I, for one, would DIE of boredom if I'd ever had to do choir at any age; I don't even sing along in church any more because I am 50 and you can't make me).  Every time someone mentions ECs on here, the board insists that is too much and the kid needs more down time.  Well, my point is that that is not always the case.  Too much down time is too much down time just like too many activities are too many activities.  The OP's issue may not be too many activities, although that certainly is a popular bandwagon; it may be something else.  There are lots of reasons that 7 yos complain, and over-scheduling is not the only one.

[LucyStoner]

Is it the activities or the transitions that are the sticking points?  Sometimes kids need repetition and scaffolding to navigate transitions.  

We do Scouts, music lessons and one sport.  They get to pick the instrument and the sport and if they want to do Scouts or not.  We are pretty low key but for us it was important that they work on some skills in groups or with skilled instructors.  

[SKL]

I did find that it was important for us to have a set routine vs. everything different every week.  For the first week or two of a scheduled activity, it was not easy for any of us, but once everyone was used to the program, it was fine.

I had my kids in a lot of things at 7yo.  We were a well-oiled machine, LOL.  At that age, most of it was "sampling" and developing basic skills to apply later when a serious interest would develop.  Also, vigorous exercise tended to reduce, rather than increase, the stress levels for us.  We didn't take anything too seriously, though we did "show up" for what we committed to.

[Ellie]

6 hours ago, plansrme said:

 Every time someone mentions ECs on here, the board insists that is too much and the kid needs more down time.

Because we've all had that experience of doing too much and seeing the fruits of backing off. :-)

But you're right; the OP's child could just be a complainer.