SIL just emailed the entire family...

[Robin Hood]

to say that she is not buying any gifts for anybody but her own immediate family. I have wanted to do this for years but have not had the nerve. Some Christmases are financially good and some are not, but I love the idea of celebrating with gifts of good food and good cheer instead of the pressure of list making, budgeting, traveling to shop, time off of school to do all this, etc.

 

She is herself giving me the gift of courage to start a new tradition and do what is right for my family and change the focus of the season. I don't know yet if I can step up and do this.

[Remudamom]

Do it. You won't believe the stress relief. For years my mom insisted on a gift exchange thing. It was annoying beyond belief. I finally told her to leave us out. She couldn't believe it. Then she found out everyone else wanted out too.

 

Now the kids and I just make reindeer kisses every year and send them to the cousins. I like that WAAAAY better.

[melissel]

Do it!!! Step right up behind her and say that it's a wonderful idea, and you think you'll do the same, that you want everyone to enjoy a holiday free of stress and economic worry, and instead you want to focus just being together and enjoying one another's company. Your SIL will be relieved too, because I bet she's worried about how she just came off to everyone else!

[Blessedfamily]

I have asked my siblings not to buy my kids anything because the family is growing so large, it's hard to reciprocate. They won't stop, but just tell me not to worry about reciprocating. I can't 'not worry about it". If they would stop I would.

 

Here's how we worked it out. When they ask me what the kids want, I give them an item that I intend to buy anyway. They do the same. That way, the kids all get what they would have anyway, and I don't spent extra money. It works out because we have the same number of kids. They still end up spending more because they usually pick something more expensive from my list than I do from theirs.

 

Did that make sense? We each buy something off of the other person's list. That's the best I can do since they refuse to stop sending presents.

 

If I were you, I would do it.

Edited November 13, 2008 by Blessedfamily

[jg_puppy]

to say that she is not buying any gifts for anybody but her own immediate family. I have wanted to do this for years but have not had the nerve. Some Christmases are financially good and some are not, but I love the idea of celebrating with gifts of good food and good cheer instead of the pressure of list making, budgeting, traveling to shop, time off of school to do all this, etc.

 

She is herself giving me the gift of courage to start a new tradition and do what is right for my family and change the focus of the season. I don't know yet if I can step up and do this.

 

I would love to do that. I would be so happy someone in my family suggested it.

 

Jan

[OH_Homeschooler]

I say do it too! My sister sent a similar message yesterday (except to say they're only buying for kids in the extended family, not adults). I think about 99% of the people who receive your suggestion will be relieved and happy.

 

It's funny, I constantly hear people gripe about how Christmas has gotten too materialistic but everywhere I look, people are wanting to downsize Christmas. And it's not just this year, we've been talking about it in my family for years.

[mom2a&z]

I would do it too. Luckily my family live so far away it got to be too big a hassle to mail presents, so we stopped. My dh's family live close by and I only buy for my mil and my great nephew (who is the same age as my dd). And he gets a gift card. Shopping at the holidays brings out the scrooge in me because it's just tooooooo much. I want to relax and enjoy my family and remember the reason we celebrate. :001_smile:

[mom2abcd]

Do it!!! I'm the only one in the family that wants to cut back on the stress by making gifting easier. Last year we did revive an old extended family tradition of bringing a gift for a person of your own age/sex. The girls exchanged, the boys exchanged, as did the men and women. We made it a fun game with a story of Mr. Left and Mr. Wright... passing gifts left and right until the story was done and people opened a gift.

 

This was SO much less stress than trying to find the "perfect" gift for the appointed person.

 

This year I may just be brave enough to get all the cousins the same thing... a keepsake book or Christmas ornament or candy. Anything to help keep the stress down. I would rather our family have time and energy to enjoy the special events December brings and choose special gifts for each other, grandparents, etc.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

It really brings back the simplicity of the holiday. I love it. We don't get too worked up about buying for anyone other than our immediate family as well and it's been freeing.

 

E-mail her back and let her know how much you appreciate her courage in stepping out to do what you've been wanting to do!

 

Have a Merry Christmas!

[love2read]

Could some of you who are good with words write a sample letter to send out. I always fumble when it comes to personal notes. I've decided that this year we are going to make a donation to Feed the Poor in our relative's names and only give the children a needed gift. They're all for it, but some family members are sure to poo poo my "stingy" ways.

[Harriet Vane]

Carpe deum!!!

 

Now is the time. Stand in solidarity with your SIL and be free. You can support each other in this rather than each fighting the individual battle.

 

If you feel guilty, give a different kind of gift to your extended family. Write each of them a letter expressing what you like and appreciate about them. Trust me, such a gift will be treasured.

[SonshineLearner]

I love the fact that my brother's girlfriend asked if we are doing a gift exchange or buying for everyone. For one thing, it makes her included to be asking:-) For another, it takes the pressure off! For us, it means 2 gifts instead of 6. (This year is our small Christmas) 2 gifts are doable.

Also, we all decided that all the kids that are gone...they'll get whatever gifts they get from their other relatives.

Yay!

Edited November 13, 2008 by NayfiesMama
oops

[JumpedIntoTheDeepEndFirst]

When I was a child our family reached this point as well, all the adults gathered one Christmas and agreed that the gifts were for the kids. For a while they drew a name every Christmas and just bought (made, etc.) one gift for that person. Then one year they decided that the following Christmas they would all drop cash in an envelope (anonymously) and draw a name from the hat on Christmas as usual. On Christamas the person whose name was drawn announced the charity they had chosed to receive this gift. One year a medical chairty in honor of a suffering family member, another year help for the underpriveledged...sometimes the choice was local, somtimes global. I think I was really a nice way to keep the spirit of the holiday.

[Tracy in Ky]

I started doing that this year; I'm taking baby steps. This year I told my siblings that I would not be participating in our name draw (siblings and spouse name draw). And I told them that that next year, we wouldn't be buying for all the cousins.

 

I still have to tell my husband's side about our plans for next year, but that's okay. I'll tell them probably at Christmas. What a load off it has been!

[PinkInTheBlue]

My daddy's wife is laid off and loves Christmas. Last week she asked if she and Daddy could focus only on the boys for Christmas and would it offend us. Oh my goodness, no! That's wonderful! I'm always uncomfortable when they or my mother buy things for us adults that I fear cost to much for them. I'm all for focusing on the boys. I'll let Tony take care of my Christmas. ;) I'm relieved!

 

On my mother's side of the family there are a gazillion aunts, uncles, cousins and their kids. Seriously. If you bought everyone a $5 present it could easily be almost $500 just for that. They've finally decided to draw names. I know they all go into big debt every Christmas just for this and everyone can only buy junk. :( This will be so much better for everyone.

 

Yeah for you sister in law AND you!

[Tess in the Burbs]

I tried for years to get the inlaws to do a name/gift exchange to help everyone out financially(entire group is lower income/getting assistance). Nope. They tried a few years later when the SIL suggested it. :glare: But it didn't work out. my dh sent his gift off but never got one. the cousin who got his name was homeless...so why was she participating? they abandoned it 2 years later(we sat out one year).

 

anyway, last year I did minimum gifts. I was shocked at how much we received though. And obviously my minimum shocked them :D But since the inlaws are all about they did this so I will do it too...I am doing minimum again this year(family portrait in nice frame...sugar scrubs) I expect minimum or nothing from them.

 

i would be fine getting nothing...it's all about the birth of Christ and spending time with family for me...and by just giving minimum for a few years the inlaws are now shunning us and giving minimum too. less subtle than an email if that worries you.

 

My own parents could care less about who is giving what to them. my mom spends a set amount on all kids/grandkids. my dad gives big gifts in october, lol. my sis and I tend to talk about it upfront and agree on something.

 

so for me, just spending less consistently got the point across to those I felt less comfortable talking to/emailing about it.

[Mrs. Readsalot]

I would love to send out a letter like this. Although, I don't even know how to start a letter like this. Could you share a bit of the letter with us. Please don't be concerned about saying no if the letter is very personal to your particular family.

Thanks~~~Karen

[Mom2legomaniacs]

We stopped doing things with dh's family in this manner a few years ago. Dh and I started to "buy" an animal from Heifer for each of his sisters' families in their names instead. We do that every year now. No gifts to them, but passing it on to others in need instead.

 

My family, not so much. I have one sister who is single (soon to be married -- in May). We are all she has so we do exchange with her. I would love to cut back with the family though. It is stressful and I hate to shop. I am not creative with gift giving at all. I really wish I were, but I am not.

[HootyTooty]

Could some of you who are good with words write a sample letter to send out. I always fumble when it comes to personal notes. I've decided that this year we are going to make a donation to Feed the Poor in our relative's names and only give the children a needed gift. They're all for it, but some family members are sure to poo poo my "stingy" ways.

 

(I suck at this be warned)

 

Dear Family,

 

Can you believe another year has come and gone and where are about to celebrate Christmas again? This year we want to try something different for our family and focus on the true meaning of the season and give to our community. At time when times are hard, what better gift can we give but the gift of food for those who are going without this season. That is why we have decided in lieu of sending gift we will be donating to Feed the Poor in your name. We hope that the thought of giving to those who are not as fortunate as us, will warm your hearts this season.

 

If you have any questions or want to know more about this charity please give us a call or drop us a note, we would love to share information with you.

 

Much love,

Your name here.

 

If you have a religious family you might want to use some bible verses and show how this is a great gift (well I think it is awesome.)

[jejily]

We did this for the first time last year. It was an amazing relief.

 

In conjunction with not buying for nieces and nephews and adult siblings, I also let my own children know that we were only buying three gifts for them last year.

 

Well, we did end up giving each child about five gifts to open, plus stockings... but this was a HUGE downsize from previous years. We have three children, and make them open gifts one at a time, and -- literally -- it would take three hours to open gifts in Christmases past. :blush: Yeah, I know. It was obscene, the amount of money we spent every year. And, each subsequent year was worse and worse.

 

Reality finally caught up to us. Now, we are trying to focus more on the reason for the season, and less on the gifts.

 

Most important, we aren't using CREDIT to buy ANYTHING this Christmas. It's all being purchased with cash, or not purchased at all.

[Michelle T]

DH has a large family, and it was way too expensive when everyone sent everyone gifts (which we did for years).

 

Now, a list is drawn up of all adults, and all kids. Adults are randomly matched into pairs, and all the kids are too. You only buy a gift for the one person you are matched with.

 

This has really helped us financially. We do still send gifts to all parents, though.

Michelle T

[Unicorn.]

Then one year they decided that the following Christmas they would all drop cash in an envelope (anonymously) and draw a name from the hat on Christmas as usual. On Christamas the person whose name was drawn announced the charity they had chosed to receive this gift. One year a medical chairty in honor of a suffering family member, another year help for the underpriveledged...sometimes the choice was local, somtimes global. I think I was really a nice way to keep the spirit of the holiday.

 

I LOVE this idea! I think you just gave me the kick in the pants to send out my own email. We don't exchange w/ my siblings, but do buy for kids and our dad, and I'm ok w/ that. Dh's family on the other hand is difficult. His parents (read his mother) gets upset if we don't. Of course his dad and brothers are all some form of doctor, and my dh is a ps teacher, so it's really hard to buy for people who already have everything, and don't need anything. Not to mention that spending $50 on someone for them is no big deal, whereas even if we keep it to $20, it's hard on us. kwim?

 

Oops, got on my soapbox didn't I. Thanks for the great idea!!!

[Daisy]

Dh's family did it about 5 years ago and we are all thrilled!! It has taken so much pressure off and now we get to really enjoy what Christmas is all about.

 

I wish my side of the family would do this but every time I try (and I DO) I get the sob story about how poor they are and that they'd never be able to buy their children expensive I-Pods and crap if it wasn't for me sending them money every year. Okay, I sound a little bitter, but we don't DO a huge Christmas for our own kids and it bugs me sometimes the "expectation" that we will "bailout (heehee)" everyone else in the family just because we make more money.

 

 

Sorry for the rant. Back to your regularly scheduled thread.

[kat19]

I wish someone in my family would do that..

As adults we don't draw names, but we let the kids draw names.. Well now I have 3 names at 15-20 each name.. Then they call in December and say oh we want to by Grandma this and that, can you pitch in(most of the time I say no).

 

I get stressed out around Christmas time due to my family thinking everyone needs to spend so much money :glare:

 

I think the kids and I are gonna make cookies and candy to give to people this year and if they don't like it~oh well..

[Jean in Newcastle]

For years dh and I have given a gift to each family - one family photo in a frame, or one container of homemade peanut brittle or one game. . . We get a wide range of gifts ranging from nothing to the expensive from both sides of the family. What we get back in return doesn't bother me. The fact that we only get one thank-you note back from one polite sister bothers me! I'm tempted to only give a gift to her but then remind myself that Christmas is about grace.

[Parrothead]

Dh's family did it about 5 years ago and we are all thrilled!! It has taken so much pressure off and now we get to really enjoy what Christmas is all about.

 

I wish my side of the family would do this but every time I try (and I DO) I get the sob story about how poor they are and that they'd never be able to buy their children expensive I-Pods and crap if it wasn't for me sending them money every year. Okay, I sound a little bitter, but we don't DO a huge Christmas for our own kids and it bugs me sometimes the "expectation" that we will "bailout (heehee)" everyone else in the family just because we make more money.

 

 

Sorry for the rant. Back to your regularly scheduled thread.

Oh, hon, it is your money. Don't spend it under pressure like that. It isn't your responsibility.

[Mommyof4ks]

We only buy for kids and immediate family now also, and it is a great stress relief. I usually give photo books to grandparents and greatgrandparents since they love them and it is fairly inexpensive for us.

 

Do send her a reply (perhaps reply to all) letting her know that you love the idea and are looking forward to a Christmas with far less stress.

 

Wendy - Mommy of 3 munchkins

[PollyOR]

Good for you!!!

 

My family doesn't do gifts anymore as we are too far away and shipping was a real hassle. It was my idea :).

 

DH's family - each year we give a family gift to one of DH's siblings. It is set up on a rotation. Example...this year family #2, next year family #3, the next year family #4, and so on.

[Robin Hood]

I would love to send out a letter like this. Although, I don't even know how to start a letter like this. Could you share a bit of the letter with us. Please don't be concerned about saying no if the letter is very personal to your particular family.

Thanks~~~Karen

 

I have tried to set the scene twice now so you'd understand how it came about, but the best way to put it is that in hindsight, I could see it coming. She was just straight forward to the point. Nothing sentimental. Money is too tight. My brother just had surgery and is temporarily not working. (He is in construction which is seasonal.) She is a substitute teacher, but there are few sub jobs. With my brother not working, there is stress in the home. Times are tough. God is good. No hidden agenda. No higher thoughts of giving to organizations instead.

 

She is in her early 30's and my brother is 45. Their kids are are just a wee bit younger than ours. I have always thought of her as a young gal from another generation, as do my 2 sisters, even though we do respect her. She is not intimidated by her older sils and has come to get my respect more and more. After this letter, my dh loves her all the more and hopes my family, although Christian, gets the bigger picture. She has certainly endeared herself to me.

 

Here it is:

 

]Hi Family,

 

We are wanting to let everyone know that we won't be able to afford christmas gifts for your kiddos this year. With ( ) off work and Sub jobs hard for me to find we are just trying to stay afloat and keep ourselves from going deeper into debt. Thank you for understanding, I know we all struggle at different times for various reasons and during those times we find ourselves growing closer to our Heavenly Father and learning about his great love for us. He will see our family through this time (He always has) and He gives me hope and faith daily. Please pray for ( 's) leg to continue to heal and for us to be good stewards over our finances. Also for our marriage as we struggle as a couple whenever ( ) is not working. We look forward to the Holidays and seeing everyone and spending time with you all.

 

May our Lord and Savior richly bless you and your family as you bless others.

 

I read this first in shock, then relief, then freedom. For once, if I can jump on her boat, the holidays will be easier. I especially love her because she is good to my brother who can be a bonehead.

[gardening momma]

Last year, on one side of the family we (the adult offspring & spouses) exchanged names. Each of us had one name, with a budget cap. At the time there were 3 grandchildren (two were ours, and one belongs to a BIL & SIL). We worked out an exchange for that too. We may do the same this year. Whether we spend less or the same overall as we would normally spend on buying gifts for everyone, at least it's a lot easier!

[gardening momma]

I wish my side of the family would do this but every time I try (and I DO) I get the sob story about how poor they are and that they'd never be able to buy their children expensive I-Pods and crap if it wasn't for me sending them money every year.

I don't have an ipod (or anything else trendy or expensive)...I think that if they think they or their kids are entitled to stuff like this, then it's their responsibility to figure out how to get it--but not by milking it out of your relatives (or giving a guilt trip about it).

[Homeschooling6]

This is one thing that I'm so thankful for with my in-laws. No one gets offended if they don't receive presents for everyone. I don't expect them to give gifts to us and they don't expect gifts either. Some years I will by a book or a game for each family.

 

I love sending my nieces and nephews gifts, So this year we are actually spending less for our own family and using the money we save to buy gifts for their cousins.

 

We have a no pressure family, thank goodness.

[CalicoKat]

Do it!!! Step right up behind her and say that it's a wonderful idea, and you think you'll do the same, that you want everyone to enjoy a holiday free of stress and economic worry, and instead you want to focus just being together and enjoying one another's company. Your SIL will be relieved too, because I bet she's worried about how she just came off to everyone else!

:iagree:

[TammyinTN]

to say that she is not buying any gifts for anybody but her own immediate family. I have wanted to do this for years but have not had the nerve. Some Christmases are financially good and some are not, but I love the idea of celebrating with gifts of good food and good cheer instead of the pressure of list making, budgeting, traveling to shop, time off of school to do all this, etc.

 

She is herself giving me the gift of courage to start a new tradition and do what is right for my family and change the focus of the season. I don't know yet if I can step up and do this.

 

Do it...she sounds wonderful! :D

 

At dinner tonight we were talking about all of our many blessings and instead of gifts maybe sponoring children for the year or a family in need. We don't need stuff...kwim?:001_smile:

[EarleneW]

I say do it as well. We only do kids and it's so much less stressful.

[YJ in AL]

Your sil's letter is lovely and gracious.

 

Holiday shopping has gotten better through the years with our extended family (meaning we don't do much!) This year we need to cut back even more.

 

Yvonne in Alabama

[love2read]

Thanks Hooty, it's just right and you are a clever writer!

[ma23peas]

Well, I may be in the minority, but I love the ideas of bringing gifts to family/friends....this year is tougher than ever but we decided to put our new found skills of crocheting (my daughters and me) and spent $45 on really nice yarn (with a coupon of course)...we have enough to make 15 scarves for our family members....we've finished 4 in 2 days so we should be done soon! I think even a homemade picture wrapped with reasons why you love that particular person and to celebrate the amazing reason for the season is worth it...you can always make the effort to make something.

 

Tara

[Amy in Orlando]

Do it!!!! Yay for your sil for starting a trend.

[jejily]

Well, I may be in the minority, but I love the ideas of bringing gifts to family/friends....this year is tougher than ever but we decided to put our new found skills of crocheting (my daughters and me) and spent $45 on really nice yarn (with a coupon of course)...we have enough to make 15 scarves for our family members....we've finished 4 in 2 days so we should be done soon! I think even a homemade picture wrapped with reasons why you love that particular person and to celebrate the amazing reason for the season is worth it...you can always make the effort to make something.

 

Tara

 

 

No, you're not in the minority. Not exchanging gifts with extended family members last year was a LOT harder on me than it was on my siblings. We were -- wait, scratch that -- I was usually the one spending loads of money on people. I had been giving my brother a huge food basket ($60+) every year, and hadn't gotten a gift from him in well over five years. It didn't really matter to me, because I loved being able to select special gifts to give my family.

 

A few years ago, my dad told me (in as gentle a way as possible), that, while my generosity was lovely, it made my brother feel awkward because he could not reciprocate. (He was in a very tough spot for several years following a painful divorce.) I had never thought of it that way. But, I'll be honest and say that my dad's words hurt my feelings, even though he wasn't trying to. I felt attacked, just because I wanted to give gifts! :glare:

 

It took a couple more years for me to realize the gift giving on my part wasn't entirely altruistic. In fact, it was really kind of prideful. I wanted to hear the "oohs" and "aahs" from my family members when they opened that "perfect" gift from me. :blush:

 

It's all really quite embarrassing to reflect on, now. If I hadn't gotten more and more elaborate with the gift giving, if I had stuck to simpler gifts, handmade gifts, homemade food gifts -- well, we might all still be exchanging gifts this Christmas, and not feeling so strained by it. I think I'm the one who ruined it for my family, because I let myself get completely out of control. :sad:

 

Wow. True confessions, eh?

 

Last year -- and this coming year -- there won't be gifts for extended families. But, truth be told, it's because now MY family is facing a bit of a financial crisis. Otherwise, I'd probably STILL be going overboard on the gift giving. It wasn't until last year, though, that I really saw how relieved my brother and sister were that I hadn't gotten them (or their kids) gifts.

 

It was an eye-opener, for sure.

[Doran]

...I want to first say HOORAY for your sister in law for starting the ball rolling. I have been the "initiator" in my own family for doing less, and I have had to endure the guilt/pressure/discomfort of having other family members not follow suit. I have one SIL whose "love language" is giving gifts. So, I've had to come to terms with that and stomach my own anxiety over not doing anything.

 

Today, I have written the bulk of an article on how to "go green" for the holidays. A major portion of the piece has to do with not just buying green, but with not buying at all. It can be done, and it can be done with grace, class, and a lot of joy.

 

Some ideas:

 

A collective gift to a charity, or a small donation to the charity your family members choose. You can give just $10 in their name, and it's still some measure of giving in their honor.

 

Framed (or not) photos or beautifully created poetry or writings for a particular person.

 

The promise of a homemade meal together

 

Sing! Spend time around the holidays singing carols or popular tunes. It will bond you like little else

 

Walk! Take a walk together on Christmas Eve or Day. Share stories, and laugh. It will create lasting memories.

 

Enjoy your new tradition!

[Heather in Savannah]

I contacted both sides of the family, and told them we would not be bringing gifts. We are flying for Christmas, and only taking carry on luggage, as we have a drive once we arrive at the airport. I didn't want to find that we had arrived but our luggage was in another part of the country....btdt... Man, when I get off that plane, I just want to get in the rental car, and get motoring. Sure don't want to wait around all day to see if our luggage arrives. So....it remains to see if the families will buy us gifts....I have asked them not to. My family said they would rather focus on being together than gift giving, but dh's family is likely to ignore our request. Oh well, I can't win them all.