I don't get this at all

[SparklyUnicorn]

My MIL seems to forget we have 2 kids.  She sends us a bunch of gifts and tosses in some crap for the younger kid (he's 12 now).  Like today...we got a bunch of stuff from her in the mail and he got...a calendar.  And not even a nice one. Like some free pharmacy calendar. 

 

Holy cow this makes me mad.

 

I do not care if she sends me anything, but don't do that to my kid.  Grrrrr.....

 

 

[MEmama]

Oh I can SO relate...

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

What the ... ???

[Tanaqui]

She sends an actual present to the other child?

I would cut off contact over this. Legitimately, I'd drop all real presents off at Goodwill or mail them back to her, and I wouldn't allow her any contact with the children that wasn't 100% supervised and time limited - perhaps a single short phone call and a postcard a month, and then ONLY if your husband insists.

[SparklyUnicorn]

She sends an actual present to the other child?

I would cut off contact over this. Legitimately, I'd drop all real presents off at Goodwill or mail them back to her, and I wouldn't allow her any contact with the children that wasn't 100% supervised and time limited - perhaps a single short phone call and a postcard a month, and then ONLY if your husband insists.

 

Yes she sent gifts to the other child and me and my husband.

 

Frankly, it might be that there were no gifts for him at all and my husband just handed him something (cuz a calendar seems like an odd gift for a 12 year old).

 

Well contact...she lives in another country.  There isn't really any contact.

[Tanaqui]

Well contact...she lives in another country.  There isn't really any contact.

 

That's a relief.

 

In this situation, as I see it, you have two choices.

 

The first is as I just said - don't pass on any of her presents at all, just donate them or toss them.

 

The second is this - open the presents in advance and then allocate them fairly. This may require buying a new present to be "from Grandma" for the neglected kid.

 

Either way, continue keeping contact to a minimum.

[SparklyUnicorn]

He didn't say a word.  Maybe he doesn't care.  He gave me the calendar.

 

 

[luuknam]

Maybe if the 12yo were to Skype her about 3 weeks before xmas etc that might jog her memory just in time to include a gift for him?

 

Beyond that, I don't know... is she starting the get Alzheimer's? Does your husband have a sibling living near her who can help her remember to get appropriate gifts for everyone?

 

Of course, the above assumes that she unintentionally forgets or just really sucks at picking out presents (like a calendar). If you think she forgets on purpose, the other ideas in this thread are more appropriate. 

 

ETA: my grandfather at some point didn't remember he'd ever been married, never mind that he had 7 kids. So, I don't think it's impossible for an elderly person to accidentally forget 1 or more people, especially when they rarely have contact and live in another country.

Edited December 27, 2017 by luuknam

[regentrude]

Are you sure she is in full possession of her mental faculties? I would worry that she is suffering from some cognitive decline (who sends free pharmacy calendars as a gift anyway?)

Or does she have a history of ignoring this particular child?

[SparklyUnicorn]

Maybe if the 12yo were to Skype her about 3 weeks before xmas etc that might jog her memory just in time to include a gift for him?

 

Beyond that, I don't know... is she starting the get Alzheimer's? Does your husband have a sibling living near her who can help her remember to get gifts for everyone?

 

Of course, the above assumes that she unintentionally forgets or just really sucks at picking out presents (like a calendar). If you think she forgets on purpose, the other ideas in this thread are more appropriate. 

 

No she has always done this so she isn't starting to get anything.

 

She doesn't talk to either of our kids because they don't speak the same language. 

 

I think she's just a jerk to be honest. 

[nixpix5]

Gggrrrr...I would be furious. This is similar to what happened with my inlaws with my two older sons before our three little were born. My DH and I each brought a 3 yo son into our relationship when we got married. I adopted my stepson. My parents accepted both boys equally and we're fair in all ways. My inlaws were not this way at all. For example, when the boys were 6yo they got their bikes stolen off of our porch. They brought over a brand new bike for one child and paraded it in front of the other. They would bring a truckload of extravagant presents for one child and a tray of homemade brownies for the other, if they happened to remember. After enduring it for 4 years we cut them off. We dropped gifts off at their house as a return and wrote a lengthy letter explaining why we were cutting ties. We had tried to talk with them but all we got was "he is our grandson and we will give him what we want to" (nice right?) We didn't speak for over a year until they finally wanted to talk. They did change their ways. It wasn't perfect but their effort was noticed. Now, 18 years later, I sometimes forget what that was like. They do well with our 3 youngest and treat the 24 year olds equally still. They all are close.

 

Sometimes drawing a firm protective line can help, and if not, your child knows you have his back.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Gggrrrr...I would be furious. This is similar to what happened with my inlaws with my two older sons before our three little were born. My DH and I each brought a 3 yo son into our relationship when we got married. I adopted my stepson. My parents accepted both boys equally and we're fair in all ways. My inlaws were not this way at all. For example, when the boys were 6yo they got their bikes stolen off of our porch. They brought over a brand new bike for one child and paraded it in front of the other. They would bring a truckload of extravagant presents for one child and a tray of homemade brownies for the other, if they happened to remember. After enduring it for 4 years we cut them off. We dropped gifts off at their house as a return and wrote a lengthy letter explaining why we were cutting ties. We had tried to talk with them but all we got was "he is our grandson and we will give him what we want to" (nice right?) We didn't speak for over a year until they finally wanted to talk. They did change their ways. It wasn't perfect but their effort was noticed. Now, 18 years later, I sometimes forget what that was like. They do well with our 3 youngest and treat the 24 year olds equally still. They all are close.

 

Sometimes drawing a firm protective line can help, and if not, your child knows you have his back.

 

Yeah I maintain my sanity because I don't really have to see her much.  So there's nothing to say or do.  My husband said something once and she sent him something, but since then it's still been the same.  I could see if he was a baby and would not notice, but come on. 

[luuknam]

No she has always done this so she isn't starting to get anything.

 

She doesn't talk to either of our kids because they don't speak the same language. 

 

I think she's just a jerk to be honest. 

 

 

Is the 12yo adopted/from another marriage? Because I don't really get it if they're both yours and DH's and neither of them speaks to her. That really would make me think that she accidentally forgets the younger one. Some elderly do have a slow, drawn out mental decline. I mean, if you're going to be a jerk, there tends to be a reason... and I'm not seeing it - I can understand liking one kid better if you have contact with both (or just with one), but otherwise... it doesn't make sense. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Is the 12yo adopted/from another marriage? Because I don't really get it if they're both yours and DH's and neither of them speaks to her. That really would make me think that she accidentally forgets the younger one. Some elderly do have a slow, drawn out mental decline. I mean, if you're going to be a jerk, there tends to be a reason... and I'm not seeing it - I can understand liking one kid better if you have contact with both (or just with one), but otherwise... it doesn't make sense. 

 

I've never been married prior and there has been no adoptions.

 

They are both ours. 

[Crimson Wife]

 

The second is this - open the presents in advance and then allocate them fairly. This may require buying a new present to be "from Grandma" for the neglected kid.

 

This is what I would do. I can't make grandparents treat grandchildren equally but I can try to hide the favoritism so that the slighted child doesn't realize that he/she is being shafted.

 

My IL's play favorites with grandchildren but it's by favoring the offspring of certain children. We were visiting one time during my youngest's birthday and SIL's twins' birthday. It was appalling the difference in gifts given to the twins vs. my DD. And MIL should know better because her own parents played favorites and she & her kids were on the losing side.  :thumbdown:  For years I had to hear complaints about the favoritism and sympathized with her (because it really was that obvious). But she's doing THE EXACT SAME THING that she used to complain about. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

And elderly?  I don't know what age is considered elderly, but she is not elderly really.  She was in her 50s when he was born and she is in perfect health. 

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

To add, there are only 2 children in the family.  NOBODY else has children.  No other grand childen...no nothing.  So it's not like gee there are so many to remember and keep track of. That is not the case.

 

 

[wintermom]

Sorry you and your dc have to deal with this, probably year after year. Some people just aren't very kind.  Sounds like distance is the best way to live with the situation.   

[luuknam]

There are some versions of dementia that start in people's 50s. I'm just saying that if she only once in blue moon sees/hears about them, it's not as hard to forget than if they were regularly in contact, IF there are some cognitive issues. 

 

I just don't get favoritism if there's nothing to base the favoritism on, kwim? Is the oldest named after someone in the family, and the youngest isn't? They're both boys, iirc, so gender can't be it.

 

Anyway, maybe she is just a jerk - I'm not saying she isn't. It's just puzzling. 

 

ETA: you can be physically healthy while still having cognitive decline.

Edited December 27, 2017 by luuknam

[luuknam]

Could you send her a framed photo of the four of you as her next present, so she can prominently display that in her living room somewhere or something?

 

(would not help if she's being a jerk on purpose, might help if it's unintentional)

[SparklyUnicorn]

I send her pictures regularly.  A few weeks ago I sent her several of the younger kid from his concert.

 

I don't know what it is. 

 

 

[maize]

I agree with opening any packages privately and reallocating any gifts however seems best to you. This could include declaring whatever comes a "family" gift, saying a gift is to both boys, or not giving any gift to the boys.

 

Since there isn't much contact I think this could be sufficient.

[Arcadia]

To add, there are only 2 children in the family. NOBODY else has children. No other grand childen...no nothing. So it's not like gee there are so many to remember and keep track of. That is not the case.

Sounds like your MIL is behaving like the “Empress Dowager†in that only the oldest grandson is favored :(

 

My in-laws forgets my kids exist most of the time which I am thankful for. Since my husband only get negative comments about our kids, not remembering our kids exist is better than hearing his parents complaints.

[Daria]

My grandmother was like this.  Not every year, but every so often there'd be a year when my sister and I would get something we'd asked for, and my brother would get something she'd clearly purchased on impulse for herself and then decided to pass on.  The most infamous year was the "birdie basket" year when we got roller skates, and he got some little red baskets that he we as instructed to fill with bird seed and hang on a tree as bird feeders.  They were't designed to hang on a tree, they were the sort of thing you might fill with candy and put out.  Whatever, they weren't what a five year old boy wants.  Why couldn't she just buy 3 pairs of roller skates?

 

She got better over the years, but I don't know if that's because my mother laid down the law, or if she just did better with older kids (he's the youngest) or what? 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Sounds like your MIL is behaving like the “Empress Dowager†in that only the oldest grandson is favored :(

 

My in-laws forgets my kids exist most of the time which I am thankful for. Since my husband only get negative comments about our kids, not remembering our kids exist is better than hearing his parents complaints.

 

My husband has hinted at the fact she treated him (the younger child) in a similar manner.  A big deal was made over the first kid and the second kid forgotten.  Not only forgotten, but complete crap treatment IMO.  Ya know...it's not super terrible to pass down clothing from an older child, but it's extra bad when your mother makes you wear her old clothing (and you are a boy).

 

I think what helps is that for both of our kids the inlaws really are strangers so they don't seem to really care what they get, if anything, from them. 

 

Their gifts are also quite strange.  I know it's hard to buy gifts for people, but sometimes it's like what in hell.  Like my BIL bought me a man's watch.  I'm very tiny and my wrists are particularly tiny.  This is such an insane gift.  This is pretty typical.  Another year he bought me men's cologne.  I have to wonder if maybe he regifts crap he didn't want. 

[regentrude]

My husband has hinted at the fact she treated him (the younger child) in a similar manner.  A big deal was made over the first kid and the second kid forgotten.  Not only forgotten, but complete crap treatment IMO.  Ya know...it's not super terrible to pass down clothing from an older child, but it's extra bad when your mother makes you wear her old clothing (and you are a boy).

 

Honestly, it sounds as if she is not all there.

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:

 

That's so frustrating and hurtful.  Since she lives overseas, though, you have a way to prevent this altogether...

 

1.  Open the gifts yourself ahead of time and redistribute as you feel is appropriate.  She lives across the ocean.  You don't have to abide by her wishes in this.

2.  Your husband can talk to her.  He can.  He can simply say that if she wants contact with the family she needs to treat her grandsons equally.  One conversation in years and years of ignoring the second child may not be enough to make an impression.  He may need to do it yearly.  With yearly reminders that this is not acceptable behavior, maybe things can change.

3.  Your younger son may not say anything because he doesn't think he can.  If you and your husband have never let him know in clearly stated terms that what she is doing is wrong and you don't support her actions he may be internalizing that this is his only option and he deserves the poor treatment from grandma.  Have you asked him if it bothers him?  I realize you may not have broached the subject because you were hoping he hadn't really noticed but he is old enough to definitely notice.  He may just not feel comfortable saying anything, especially since he has been treated this way his whole life.

4.  What she did was wrong.  I have had issues with favoritism with my in-laws at times, too, much as I do love them.  I finally said enough is enough, discussed my concerns on a few occasions and things did change.  Be your child's advocate.  Since there is a language barrier have your husband communicate.  Make it clear to him that this is important.

5.  What does your husband think?  Does it bother him that his mother has shown favoritism to an extreme for 12 years? Or has she conditioned him not to say anything?

 

:grouphug:

[SparklyUnicorn]

If I say anything to him, he will take it personally.  Like I'm mad at him.

 

So I'm just gonna drop it. Not worth it.

 

Just venting.

 

His mother is mean...

 

 

[OneStepAtATime]

But your husband is an adult and your son is a child. Your child deserves an advocate. If you cannot say anything to your husband about this then at least, from now on, open the gifts ahead of time and redistribute as you see fit. She does not have the right to treat your child this way and you have the power to stop it.

 

And more hugs. I realize this is a difficult situation.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I'm pretty sure my kid is not upset. 

 

It's kinda crazy.  My aunt/uncle sends my kids money every Christmas and they have never met my kids. 

 

 

[scoutingmom]

My step-kids' grandma (Oma) is like that. Always greatly favoured the one grandchild. Occasionally the favoured one would do something Oma didn't like and another would be the favoured one for a short period, but it would revert to the first. Hard to watch.

 

Sent from my SM-T530NU using Tapatalk

[Scarlett]

He didn't say a word.  Maybe he doesn't care.  He gave me the calendar.

 

 

This is a good thing to remember about grandkids.  Regardless of how sucky grandparents might be, grandkids do not have the same kind of reaction to them as the kids/inlaws do.   I find it best to just make light of it (regardless of how you feel inside).

 

My son cares ZERO for how his grandmother thinks of him. My XH cares A LOT about how she treats our son.  

[Alicia64]

She sends an actual present to the other child?

I would cut off contact over this. Legitimately, I'd drop all real presents off at Goodwill or mail them back to her, and I wouldn't allow her any contact with the children that wasn't 100% supervised and time limited - perhaps a single short phone call and a postcard a month, and then ONLY if your husband insists.

 

I tend toward Team Cut Off.

 

My parents were doing something very similar: being super wonderful with one kid, and disdainful of his twin.

 

That sort of energy isn't good for either child. In fact, it's really damaging for both.

 

We haven't spoken to my parents in five years and it's been peaceful.

 

Alley

[MEmama]

This is a good thing to remember about grandkids. Regardless of how sucky grandparents might be, grandkids do not have the same kind of reaction to them as the kids/inlaws do. I find it best to just make light of it (regardless of how you feel inside).

 

My son cares ZERO for how his grandmother thinks of him. My XH cares A LOT about how she treats our son.

Yup. IME the kids learn early. It doesn't bother my DS as much as I think it should (he's the ONLY grandchild on my side and typically forgotten), but I guess that's a good thing. I think he gave up years ago.

[Guest]

My mom was like this to some extent.  I have no idea why, but when she was alive, she favored my older daughter.  She went so far as to say, several times, that my first born was more special than any subsequent kids.  She also made a personalized license plate that referenced my oldest daughter.  (My younger brother also had two young kids around the same age at the time).  It was bizarre.  She passed away when my oldest was 5, so the kids were never really aware of these behaviors, thank goodness.

 

eta:  My point is -- you will probably never understand what is in your MIL's head.  Just protect your kids as much as you can from the craziness.  

Edited December 28, 2017 by amsunshine

[rose]

My grandparents used to send me and my sisters bday money every year. They would routinely forget someone each year and more often then not it was my middle sister. My parents solution was to just have us divide up each cheque as it came in so that over the course of the year everything came out equal. My middle sister really didn't mind because she didn't have a relationship with my grandparents so I don't think that she felt slighted.

[rose]

Just had a thought... Is it your youngest son that she's forgetting? Could it be that in her culture the oldest boy gets the attention and gifts?

[MrsRobinson]

I sympathize so much with this! A few years ago the in-laws gave dd a giant 3 story doll house that was taller than she was and ds got... wait for it... a five pack of hot wheels cars. :glare:

 

We immediately took ds and dd to the store and let him pick the most outlandish hot wheels loop track/ launcher set we could find. Maybe not the best way to handle it but I was so hurt for him. He was holding the little hot wheels package as dd ripped the wrapping paper off this HUGE box and started jumping up and down and squealing. His face just fell. I was totally heartbroken for what he, as a sweet little boy, must have been feeling in that moment.

 

The next year, the in-laws asked for a list of what the kids wanted and dh asked what their buget was. Then he sent them links to two shared educational toys and said "you can get them these two things only or we're not coming." That did the trick!

 

I know there's not really a better solution for you than to even things out before the kids see the gifts but you're still protecting your ds and that's what matters.

[scoutingmom]

This is a good thing to remember about grandkids. Regardless of how sucky grandparents might be, grandkids do not have the same kind of reaction to them as the kids/inlaws do. I find it best to just make light of it (regardless of how you feel inside).

 

My son cares ZERO for how his grandmother thinks of him. My XH cares A LOT about how she treats our son.

True.... but some kids when hurt are very good at making it look like they don't care.

[Paige]

My mil did something similar. All the girls and the baby got real gifts and DS got a bag that looked like a freebie dug out from the closet. I don’t know what she was thinking because she asked for and was given better ideas. DS was gracious, but the only reason I’m not mad instead of just annoyed is because I think she’s nuts. Some years she buys the girls gifts and none for any of her grandsons because she thinks girls are easier to shop for. I know she loves DS. I think some people just lack sense. She has a limited budget and spends almost all of it on the girls or babies.

[Tammi K]

My mother was a lot like that.  That kind of behavior is why our family hasn't had contact with her in over 10 years.

 

I could take the crap she piled on me ( and I did for many, many years) but when she started hurting my children, that was a line I wouldn't let her cross.  I gave her a choice about amending her behavior with the children or expecting us to remove ourselves from her life. She chose the latter.  We're all the better for it.

 

[Arcadia]

If I say anything to him, he will take it personally. Like I'm mad at him.

He might feel like my husband does, wishing his parents “behave†better but expecting the worst, and just feeling annoyingly frustrated.

 

I like dismantling watches though so I won’t have mind an oversized watch as a gift as long as the giver doesn’t mind me dismantling.

[OneStepAtATime]

True.... but some kids when hurt are very good at making it look like they don't care.

Yeah, especially kids that tend to want to please or are sensitive to others' feelings and don't want to hurt another by reacting outwardly.  It depends on the kid.  Some just go with the flow and don't take it personally.  Some internalize that they don't deserve better treatment.  Some get hurt but don't want a fuss made.  But from the outside it can be hard to know how they are really processing since sometimes it isn't even happening consciously.  And sometimes they are really good at hiding their true feelings.  There is no outward reaction.

 

I remember when we would go visit my favorite great uncle (rare because he didn't live near us) over time I realized that he really favored my brother over me.  I don't think he ever said or did anything with the intention of hurting me, he was just clueless on how his responses were making his feelings obvious.  For instance, we were meeting him at a restaurant.  We hadn't seen him in a year.  I was maybe 8 or 9.  He saw me first.  He smiled and hugged me and commented on how I had grown.  Then he turned to my younger brother.  His whole face lit up.  He said "Here's the one I came to see!" and scooped him up in his arms.  He had him sit in his lap, he told him stories, he ordered him a dessert, etc.  The whole evening he hardly saw me.  Like I was invisible. 

 

I was so hurt but I never said a single word.  I kept a neutral face, smiled where needed, responded where needed, because I didn't want anyone else to be hurt or get angry on my behalf or get mad at my uncle or my brother.  I loved them and wanted them happy.  They were both so happy.  So I sucked it up and played nice and acted like it didn't bother me at all.  I did that with every meeting until the day he died.  I loved him but the disparity in our treatment did affect me.

 

I didn't tell my mom until I was an adult.  She actually only noticed a few times (we usually saw him at family gatherings with lots of relatives so I guess she just wasn't aware) and since I didn't act hurt she didn't realize that it had.  We were talking about him one day and I shared a bit. It still hurt after all those years even though at that point I knew it was unhelpful to let something that was really pretty small in the grand scheme of things still bother me.  I had to let it go.  She was so surprised.  She had not realized how much I had noticed.

[gardenmom5]

some grandparents play favorites.  it's up to the parents to intervene, because it needs to be stopped.   and if that means cutting off all contact (last resort) - for the good of all the kids, that's what you do.   the favorites are damaged by such preferential treatment as well.

 

eta: the "preferred" kids can come to expect that sort of treatment.  and even if they realize they world won't treat them that way, they still expect it in a so - and spouses don't treat their spouse that way either.

Edited December 28, 2017 by gardenmom5

[Laurie]

Yes she sent gifts to the other child and me and my husband.

 

 

 

I apologize for being nosey....what were these gifts?  

 

Do you send her a gift from your whole family, or do your individual family members each give her separate gifts?   If separate, you could make sure that the next gift from your 12yo is something that's also less-than what the others send.  Maybe a can of sardines.   

[Ottakee]

My MIL was going to do an amount for each of my girls and then nothing for my son. She said it was because he didn't buy presents.....ok, he is cognitively impaired and buys nothing for anyone and he does fo help her with a lot of things.

 

I didn't say anything as she is on hospice and it wasn't worth the fight. In the end she gave me 1/2 as much to spend on him as the girls but I made it even

[wintermom]

I send her pictures regularly.  A few weeks ago I sent her several of the younger kid from his concert.

 

I don't know what it is. 

 

You sound very kind and are certainly doing all you can to be a nice dil. I don't think you're ever going to get anything back from this woman, though. She is missing out and that is her loss. Who really knows what kind of life she had and where this strange behaviour came from. Perhaps there's some kind of childhood trauma she never got over.

[kiwik]

I would have an 'open mad grandma's presents afternoon tea'. Remove any labels and throw them away then open them and let everyone choose something. She will never know.

Edited December 28, 2017 by kiwik

[Carrie12345]

:grouphug:

 

Take comfort in the physical distance.

We went through so much cognitive dissonance years ago (and still do, to a lesser degree) and couldn't make sense of why younger dd would cry when she thought we might leave the kids at Grandma's without us.  She felt the favoritism before any of us could put words to it.