bolt. Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 He flipped out because he felt like I was saying he is stupid.Your first post sounded a lot like you were saying that too. When you call something "obvious" and the other person can't see it, no matter how hard they try, they are bound to feel "stupid". 14 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AMJ Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 Ty. The big deal is in how much clarification dh needed. A lot. Like I was explaining English phrases to a Japanese person. That is likely a very apt simile. You were explaining Scarlett&Mom speak to your DH, who is NOT a native speaker of Scarlett&Mom speak. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ausmumof3 Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 No because he is too nice for that! Well that's good then. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaeFlowers Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 Ty. The big deal is in how much clarification dh needed. A lot. Like I was explaining English phrases to a Japanese person. I do this with my DH, too. In fact, we went round and round last night because of this. I find it incredibly frustrating because it feels like his isn't listening. He is listening, he just seems to hear something completely different from what I am saying. I used to keep trying, now I just try to walk away. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 30, 2017 Author Share Posted October 30, 2017 When Dh starts talking about his job my mind literally glazes over. I KNOW I don't know what he is talking about. I listen intently and only ask clarifying questions whrn there is no other option. Sometimes not even then. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 Ok. Probably. I feel like I am a rapid processor. With low intelligence. This is absolutely a thing. DH is a very slow and methodical processor. He absolutely hates being in a situation where he can't take time to fully look at it and analyze it but has to make some immediate decision. Admittedly sometimes it makes me crazy. But when DH was young it was implied to him he was not very smart because of this. He is actually very smart but doesn't want to be RUSHED. Because I know his history I would NEVER act annoyed with him about it, it would hurt him. That said, I also found the text ambiguous, and I am typically a fast processor! 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 30, 2017 Author Share Posted October 30, 2017 This is absolutely a thing. DH is a very slow and methodical processor. He absolutely hates being in a situation where he can't take time to fully look at it and analyze it but has to make some immediate decision. Admittedly sometimes it makes me crazy. But when DH was young it was implied to him he was not very smart because of this. He is actually very smart but doesn't want to be RUSHED. Because I know his history I would NEVER act annoyed with him about it, it would hurt him. That said, I also found the text ambiguous, and I am typically a fast processor! See how much nicer of a person you are! I suck as a wife and human being. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bolt. Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 When Dh starts talking about his job my mind literally glazes over. I KNOW I don't know what he is talking about. I listen intently and only ask clarifying questions whrn there is no other option. Sometimes not even then.Well, you don't actually have to do his job. He, on the other hand, has to interpret human behaviour accurately on a daily basis. His ability to do it well is foundational to the happiness of his marriage and family, and to his employment success.You can see how being told that he is missing obvious cues in written communication might distress him? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 30, 2017 Author Share Posted October 30, 2017 So seriously....if you guys knew John really well....and James was your FIL.....and the sale price of the home was 100k and the appraisal came back at 98k....and you knew John was implying all along that the appraisal might be MUCH less than that... You really could not figure out that text? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 Engineering joke: A husband who is an engineer tells his wife that he is going to the store and offers to pick up anything she might need. She replies, "Please get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen." So he comes back with 12 gallons of milk and says, "They had eggs." 32 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 See how much nicer of a person you are! I suck as a wife and human being. HA. Just recently he was sick (man cold) and although I tried to be sympathetic eventually I yelled at him for the particular way he was coughing, "Do you have to keep coughing like that?!" Okay, but who just talks and then bursts out coughing in the middle of the words rather than pausing and turning to cough? Seriously? :confused1: 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 (edited) Ok. I married that. Someone can be a genius in a few areas without being gifted across the board. Social nuances can seem unimportant to these people. Sometimes I think he is just trying to annoy me by playing devil’s advocate and sometimes I’m concerned that he really doesn’t get situations that are EASY to interpret with minimal social finesse. Does he really not get it? Does he think he’s clever to point out an opposite interpretation of an obvious statement? Does he believe he’s making people think by doing this and not getting that they think he’s socially impaired for not seeing the obvious? Can he not FEEL the hostility-bewilderment-confusion pouring off people when he does this? FWIW, I thought the OPs text was ambiguous, but her dh was either being dense or intentionally difficult with the God stuff. I’m just talking in general about how some STEM folks are a bit awkward in the socialization department, but fail to get that they’re the problem. Every now and then I’ll go somewhere with dh and he pulls off a perfectly charming, witty, life of the party persona. It’s fun, but it’s rare enough that I feels a little gaslighted. It’s a good thing I find most versions of him irresistible 😂 Edited October 30, 2017 by KungFuPanda 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 30, 2017 Author Share Posted October 30, 2017 Engineering joke: A husband who is an engineer tells his wife that he is going to the store and offers to pick up anything she might need. She replies, "Please get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen." So he comes back with 12 gallons of milk and says, "They had eggs." Ha. So true and sums it up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 30, 2017 Author Share Posted October 30, 2017 Ok. I married that. Someone can be a genius in a few areas without being gifted across the board. Social nuances can seem unimportant to these people. Sometimes I think he is just trying to annoy me by playing devil’s advocate and sometimes I’m concerned that he really doesn’t get situations that are EASY to interpret with minimal social finesse. Does he really not get it? Does he think he’s clever to point out an opposite interpretation of an obvious statement? Does he believe he’s making people think by doing this and not getting that they think he’s socially impaired for not seeing the obvious? Can he not FEEL the hostility-bewilderment-confusion pouring off people when he does this? FWIW, I thought the OPs text was ambiguous, but her dh was either being dense or intentionally difficult with the God stuff. I’m just talking in general about how some STEM folks are a bit awkward in the socialization department, but fail to get that they’re the one whose off. Every now and then I’ll go somewhere with dh and he pulls off a perfectly charming, witty, life of the party persona. It’s fun, but it’s rare enough that I feels a little gaslighted. It’s a good thing I find most versions of him irresistible 😂 Exactly! As for the God comment, Dh is a very religious man, and it is not a stretch that our God helps us in times of upheaval. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 Exactly! As for the God comment, Dh is a very religious man, and it is not a stretch that our God helps us in times of upheaval. Apparently his god recuses himself when real estate is concerned. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaeFlowers Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 Well, you don't actually have to do his job. He, on the other hand, has to interpret human behaviour accurately on a daily basis. His ability to do it well is foundational to the happiness of his marriage and family, and to his employment success.You can see how being told that he is missing obvious cues in written communication might distress him? I agree with you but having to explain relatively simple things to my dh causes me distress, as well. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IsabelC Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 I was quite confused by the text and had to read it several times. But then again, I'd probably fall into the category of people are super smart with some things and stupid with others. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 Omg. So maybe my mom and I just understand each other? Seriously it seems the most common of conversations and there is no other way to interpret it. Apparently, you, your mom, and I would all understand each other just fine, because your post made perfect sense to me. :) 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 So seriously....if you guys knew John really well....and James was your FIL.....and the sale price of the home was 100k and the appraisal came back at 98k....and you knew John was implying all along that the appraisal might be MUCH less than that... You really could not figure out that text? I read the text to my dh without any explanations and he knew exactly what you meant, too. :) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tap Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 (edited) Dh and I have the same type of conversations, but the roles are reversed. Dh is intelligent and is a district managers over a sales team. He is great at managing adults and at sales. He is more of a broad stroke type person. A guy's guy. People really like my husband and he is nice and easy going. I work in pharmacy and dh says I am smarter than he is. (I have no idea if this issue has to do with intelligence). I am a literal, precise person. I am horrible at assumptions, inference and guessing. I hate pronouns in stories about multiple people of the same gender. I have way fewer friends and the people I am friends with are literal people like me. Dh is always telling me stories and I have to stop and ask him who said what, due to pronouns.... or which Bob (of the few he works with) he is talking about. He assumes I get it from the context. and most people really wouldn't care if they got it wrong anyways. It is just a story. But I have a very good memory and when he tells me "Bob got in a car accident" I would like to make sure that I know which Bob it was, so brain can file it appropriately To people like me, regular conversations are more like story problems or diagramming sentences. My brain processes the information at a different level of complexity. It doesn't make me more intelligent, it just means that my brain doesn't like to make assumptions. If my brain can't sort the information in a way that makes sense to me, it bogs down and tries to solve the problem. It is way easier to ask for more details that to over analyze a simple sentence. I am glad that dh doesn't get mad at me for it. He just answers my question and goes on with his story. Edited October 30, 2017 by Tap 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 He flipped out because he felt like I was saying he is stupid. You are being pretty harsh about it. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 See how much nicer of a person you are! I suck as a wife and human being. You got annoyed. It's no big deal. Everyone gets annoyed sometimes, and we don't always have particularly great reasons for it. I'm sure your dh has already forgotten about it. :) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 We have some highly intelligent people in our family and extended family who also don't get things. It is both baffling and fascinating! (And yes, sometimes frustrating!) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sandwalker Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 Yes I understand that. But he DOES know these people. He knows the situation, the appraisal, the expected appraisal from the doubter, ect ect. Why can't he deduce?Because he reasons with logic and facts, and the text was unclear. He can't use his strong logical skills to unravel it. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sandwalker Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 Apparently his god recuses himself when real estate is concerned.[emoji23] 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twolittleboys Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 Okay, for me the sentences themselves are totally ambigous and it is impossible to tell who said what etc. However, the situation may be different if you have a lot of background info (who got the appraisal, how they feel about it etc.) and it seems you feel that your husband had enough info to figure it out. Maybe he was more bothered by the inprecise wording than really not understanding it? I sometimes complain about things that I do understand but feel that it is worded in a way that makes it difficult. Anyway, maybe you could try to see the positive side. You said that your dh is more intelligent/smarter than you in many regards so this levels the playing field, doesn't it? Maybe try to focus on this as being an area you are better at. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 Dh and I are both pretty smart people, if I do say so myself. Maybe not genius level, but we sure do feel like it sometimes! We both experience mental blocks all. the. time. We baffle each other with our confusion. One of us will say something, the other will say that makes no sense, and we'll both look at each other like they're the most dense person on earth. Most of the time, that's just our schtick, but there are definitely times when we take it too far and one of us feels hurt. Those times suck. Cut him some slack. I find the grammar ambiguous, even though I assume I'd work it out based on the context. In any given moment, I might not have the brain power to view it in context. I'm a very glitchy person, not an unintelligent one. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 (edited) nm Edited November 1, 2017 by Catheryn 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 Well, add me to the list of confused people. I don't know who said that because it is not clear who "he" is. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clemsondana Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 I have a similar reaction with my husband sometimes. He's an engineer and a very methodical processor of information. He literally can not process anything ambiguous. If I were to call out 'Yikes - I smell food burning - can you get it out of the fridge', mis-speaking and saying 'fridge' instead of 'oven' because I'm thinking about what I need from the fridge, he would stop and ask if I meant oven. I, on the other hand, would hear 'burning food' and check the oven...and only if there was nothing there would I check to see where the confusion was. This caused a lot of problems early in our marriage - it felt like he was constantly correcting me. If I said that it would take 10 minutes to get somewhere, he'd correct it to '10 or 15'. If I mis-spoke and said the wrong word in a sentence, he would correct the word even if it was obvious what I meant - Honey, could you fold the laundry that's on the couch? would be met with 'You mean chair'. I was really convinced that he was doing it to feel superior or to drive me nuts. We've had to come at this from both directions - I've explained that it comes across as really arrogant to correct people when there's no need (and pointed out that this can come across badly in work situations), and at the same time I've realized that sometimes he really can't make sense of an imprecise statement. We both have PhDs in STEM fields, so I don't think it's a matter of intelligence. But, I tend to process information more quickly and imprecisely, so that I can tell you the gist of a what you were saying while he'll still be pondering, but will be able to recount the specific details. I have been known to say 'Stop and listen to the point - it doesn't matter if I waited 15 or 20 minutes, the POINT is that I'm irritated about having to wait because it made me late the rest of the day'. It's as if I see mostly forest, and he sees mostly trees. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 Maybe you aren't actually irritated by this in particular? It's just the straw? Cuz from where I'm sitting this doesn't seem like something to be mad about, but maybe you are frustrated by multiple things? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freesia Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 This is absolutely a thing. DH is a very slow and methodical processor. He absolutely hates being in a situation where he can't take time to fully look at it and analyze it but has to make some immediate decision. Admittedly sometimes it makes me crazy. But when DH was young it was implied to him he was not very smart because of this. He is actually very smart but doesn't want to be RUSHED. Because I know his history I would NEVER act annoyed with him about it, it would hurt him. That said, I also found the text ambiguous, and I am typically a fast processor! This is true in my house, too. Sometimes it exhausts me and I just want to make a decision MY way. But our marriage is stronger when I take the time to patiently parse everything. And you know what? We have honestly made few poor decisions (and the ones we made were actually good decisions, but we couldn't control other people/situations). My dad was an editor and constantly quizzed my mom about her pronouns and antecedents. It drove me NUTS. I still don't know whether he understood without the clarification. I sure did (but I speak Freesia/Mom). 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 30, 2017 Author Share Posted October 30, 2017 I have a similar reaction with my husband sometimes. He's an engineer and a very methodical processor of information. He literally can not process anything ambiguous. If I were to call out 'Yikes - I smell food burning - can you get it out of the fridge', mis-speaking and saying 'fridge' instead of 'oven' because I'm thinking about what I need from the fridge, he would stop and ask if I meant oven. I, on the other hand, would hear 'burning food' and check the oven...and only if there was nothing there would I check to see where the confusion was. This caused a lot of problems early in our marriage - it felt like he was constantly correcting me. If I said that it would take 10 minutes to get somewhere, he'd correct it to '10 or 15'. If I mis-spoke and said the wrong word in a sentence, he would correct the word even if it was obvious what I meant - Honey, could you fold the laundry that's on the couch? would be met with 'You mean chair'. I was really convinced that he was doing it to feel superior or to drive me nuts. We've had to come at this from both directions - I've explained that it comes across as really arrogant to correct people when there's no need (and pointed out that this can come across badly in work situations), and at the same time I've realized that sometimes he really can't make sense of an imprecise statement. We both have PhDs in STEM fields, so I don't think it's a matter of intelligence. But, I tend to process information more quickly and imprecisely, so that I can tell you the gist of a what you were saying while he'll still be pondering, but will be able to recount the specific details. I have been known to say 'Stop and listen to the point - it doesn't matter if I waited 15 or 20 minutes, the POINT is that I'm irritated about having to wait because it made me late the rest of the day'. It's as if I see mostly forest, and he sees mostly trees. You EXACTLY described our interactions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 30, 2017 Author Share Posted October 30, 2017 The grammar is not correct in that statement so of course its confusing to someone who knows their grammar an appraisal 2k different wouldn't raise an eyebrow here. its a 2% difference for you, but here in the land of 450K houses, it's not even 1%. The irritation and contest over smarts is a red flag for your marriage. He asked for clarification on a statement that isn't correct English, and gets slammed for IQ? Agree w/Bolt. If my spouse did that, I would explain the difference between intelligence and knowledge as I pulled out a grammar book and highlighted the passage. Of course, its easy for me, because the inlaws are pretty good at denigrating educated people..but I've already had my laughs there. Nothing like someone saying they think engineers are overpaid, geeky know nothings, then a few weeks later their homebuilt, unpermitted, uninspected deck falls down...thankfully no one but the denigrator was on it....Cargo Cult to the Max.... I do understand grammar. Probably not as well as you, but better than Dh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 30, 2017 Author Share Posted October 30, 2017 Maybe you aren't actually irritated by this in particular? It's just the straw? Cuz from where I'm sitting this doesn't seem like something to be mad about, but maybe you are frustrated by multiple things? It is the multiple interactions like this that have--yes--pushed me over the edge. But I was mean. Which is much worse than not understanding a simple sentence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AMJ Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 So seriously....if you guys knew John really well....and James was your FIL.....and the sale price of the home was 100k and the appraisal came back at 98k....and you knew John was implying all along that the appraisal might be MUCH less than that... You really could not figure out that text? When what is actually said seems to be a mismatch from what we expect to hear (as in knowing the situation, but hearing wording that implied something else) quite a lot of people will seek further clarification. It could be that the new wording is correct and the subject (your DH) had misunderstood something before. It could be the new wording is correct and the subject (your DH) was misinformed before. It could be the subject (your DH) was informed correctly and did understand the situation, but the wording wasn't clear. It could be he thought he misheard something, found out he hadn't, and realized it was one of the above scenarios. In ANY such cases in the workplace and in any dealings that matter in life it is important to clear up the confusion, to make sure one's own self understands correctly. And since you ask (all of us), I personally would have asked questions to clarify, and would have been critiquing the wording used, even knowing what you listed. This would not have been to put anyone down and criticize, but to gently show how such misunderstandings do arise and suggest clearer language to use. I do this already in our homeschool, and back when I worked a paycheck job I did it when teaching and training the users (of computer programs) I supported. I saw too many squabbles arise out of simple misunderstandings caused by people assuming everyone would understand their phrasing. All you have to do is listen non-judgmentally when your DH asks questions, try to figure out what he isn't understanding, and simply reword it or explain it in more detail. Misunderstandings do not require placement of blame. They only require recognition that something wasn't understood as intended and honest efforts to try to clarify what was meant. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teachermom2834 Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 I get it. My dh had a PhD in a tech field and is super smart. I am not so much. My kids are all more like me (maybe that intelligence passed down from the mother thing I keep hearing these days). So poor dh is often the only one confused while the rest of us are on the same page. I am constantly saying "well, but that is not the point of the story". He just looks at things in a very precise way that is not practical in the real world. If we are going someplace we have to be on time and it takes seven minutes to get there, he wants to leave seven minutes ahead of time while I want to leave fifteen minutes early. I have to walk him through "add a minute in case we hit the red light, a minute to park, and a couple to walk in, and go up to elevator." etc, etc. Drives me nuts. Precision is important in his work but not in the grand scheme of everyday life. Flip side is be thinks I exaggerate everything. If an item we are looking to buy costs $96.57, I might say it is on sale for $100. Then a discussion ensues clarifying the price. I get frustrated and find the whole discussion ridiculous. Married 21 years. Can't say as we've made much headway as we are both pretty stubborn in our approach. I am sure our grown children will be recounting some of the ridiculous arguments their parents had. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 30, 2017 Author Share Posted October 30, 2017 It doesn't matter. If you don't know this point and he does, but you assert superiority, you've lost respect. An apprentice doesn't appreciate a journeyman who can't be humble and concede that he has more to learn too. They both know each other has more to learn to become a master. If its a friendly race its one thing, but a life/death contest...well, you have a Star Wars movie. Is this sparring in the best interest of your relationship? Does it honor your dh? I didn't assert superiority. I asserted irritation. And no it is not in the best interest of my relationship with dh and it does not honor him. I apologized this morning and told him I was going to do better on not being irritated when he sees something differently than I see it. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 30, 2017 Author Share Posted October 30, 2017 When what is actually said seems to be a mismatch from what we expect to hear (as in knowing the situation, but hearing wording that implied something else) quite a lot of people will seek further clarification. It could be that the new wording is correct and the subject (your DH) had misunderstood something before. It could be the new wording is correct and the subject (your DH) was misinformed before. It could be the subject (your DH) was informed correctly and did understand the situation, but the wording wasn't clear. It could be he thought he misheard something, found out he hadn't, and realized it was one of the above scenarios. In ANY such cases in the workplace and in any dealings that matter in life it is important to clear up the confusion, to make sure one's own self understands correctly. And since you ask (all of us), I personally would have asked questions to clarify, and would have been critiquing the wording used, even knowing what you listed. This would not have been to put anyone down and criticize, but to gently show how such misunderstandings do arise and suggest clearer language to use. I do this already in our homeschool, and back when I worked a paycheck job I did it when teaching and training the users (of computer programs) I supported. I saw too many squabbles arise out of simple misunderstandings caused by people assuming everyone would understand their phrasing. All you have to do is listen non-judgmentally when your DH asks questions, try to figure out what he isn't understanding, and simply reword it or explain it in more detail. Misunderstandings do not require placement of blame. They only require recognition that something wasn't understood as intended and honest efforts to try to clarify what was meant. I am going to do the bolded. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 30, 2017 Author Share Posted October 30, 2017 No, I'd say that you aren't stupid, you are just quick to assume that what seems obvious to you is obvious to everyone. If that were truly the case then the human race never would have progressed as far as it did, because no one would have an original thought. Your brain doesn't work like his. That doesn't mean you are stupid. His brain doesn't work like yours. That doesn't mean he is socially inept or can't understand basic English. Stop the judgmental line of thought. Accept both of you for the people you are. Take a look at all there is to appreciate in the man. I'll bet there's a lot. Yes there is very much to appreciate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 Scarlett, do you have some strategies to regulate yourself when you become irrationally angry over something like this? It's pretty normal for people to get irrationally irritated from time to time. It's great if you can learn some techniques to step back from that internal irritation, maybe some deep breathing or other mindfulness strategies, so you don't respond to what is going on inside you in ways that are hurtful to others. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 30, 2017 Author Share Posted October 30, 2017 I wonder if your husband is actually frustrated by your imprecise communication and trying to help you improve it 😆😆 I know though... It can be annoying when people get hung up on the details - but as a sometimes detail person it annoys me when people don't see the details they should... This made me laugh. But who knows. Maybe. My dh is quite famous for telling loooong stories. For instance he starts telling a story about something that happened in CA 25 years ago and 2000 miles away. 'My friend Jack....um, Jones? No, Johnson, Wait maybe it was Johnson.'......Of course the audience cares nothing about what the guys last name is. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 30, 2017 Author Share Posted October 30, 2017 Scarlett, do you have some strategies to regulate yourself when you become irrationally angry over something like this? It's pretty normal for people to get irrationally irritated from time to time. It's great if you can learn some techniques to step back from that internal irritation, maybe some deep breathing or other mindfulness strategies, so you don't respond to what is going on inside you in ways that are hurtful to others. I have actually been working on this lately. Obviously, failed last night. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 30, 2017 Author Share Posted October 30, 2017 The grammar is not correct in that statement so of course its confusing to someone who knows their grammar an appraisal 2k different wouldn't raise an eyebrow here. its a 2% difference for you, but here in the land of 450K houses, it's not even 1%. The irritation and contest over smarts is a red flag for your marriage. He asked for clarification on a statement that isn't correct English, and gets slammed for IQ? Agree w/Bolt. If my spouse did that, I would explain the difference between intelligence and knowledge as I pulled out a grammar book and highlighted the passage. Of course, its easy for me, because the inlaws are pretty good at denigrating educated people..but I've already had my laughs there. Nothing like someone saying they think engineers are overpaid, geeky know nothings, then a few weeks later their homebuilt, unpermitted, uninspected deck falls down...thankfully no one but the denigrator was on it....Cargo Cult to the Max.... The family friend was shocked that the appraisal was ONLY 2K less. He felt it would be 30K less than asking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 Add to this he had to explain that 'God would have no interest in an appraisal. ' Holy crap. I agree with him - and that would have been my take on it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann.without.an.e Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 (edited) It is the multiple interactions like this that have--yes--pushed me over the edge. But I was mean. Which is much worse than not understanding a simple sentence. :grouphug: Man, it sucks when we realize that we were wrong but it is also better than continuing to be angry. Irrational anger is so hard. Edited October 30, 2017 by Attolia 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 30, 2017 Author Share Posted October 30, 2017 I agree with him - and that would have been my take on it. And yet.....that was not the point. The point is that the friend was so sure the house would appraise for so little that he felt God had a hand in the appraisal coming back at only 2K less than asking. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted October 30, 2017 Share Posted October 30, 2017 He just looks at things in a very precise way that is not practical in the real world. If we are going someplace we have to be on time and it takes seven minutes to get there, he wants to leave seven minutes ahead of time while I want to leave fifteen minutes early. I have to walk him through "add a minute in case we hit the red light, a minute to park, and a couple to walk in, and go up to elevator." etc, etc. Drives me nuts. Precision is important in his work but not in the grand scheme of everyday life. Ha1 I am married to one of those. Only he would be fine with starting to get ready, looking for his keys then going upstairs for something then going to the kitchen for a drink of water then wondering where he left his phone, at the seven minutes until time to BE there mark. Drives our now adult kids crazy, too. They, happily, take after me, and I take after my Dad, who always allowed plenty of time for whatever might come up in route, and then time to find a bathroom if needed at the location :-) So we all stand, ready to go, by the door or in the car, while hubby wanders the house as if he never had to leave it before and had no clue how to be ready on time. Sigh. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 30, 2017 Author Share Posted October 30, 2017 Alright, take it easy. These things happen and you're not mean or terrible or anything else for getting irritated with your husband! What the heck. I apologized this morning and I feel better now. This thread has helped. It is helpful to know there are other people out there who understand things the way dh does. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted October 30, 2017 Author Share Posted October 30, 2017 We had a discussion on a car ride this weekend that I just let go because I was so baffled that he was directly disputing a fact I knew to be true. He actually was making me doubt myself. My parents bought a house on a corner. Next to them lives a family. Next to that family is an empty lot that is part of the property my parents bought. The family in between has built a shop 1 1/2 feet on to the empty lot. This was pointed out to my parents at closing. There is a possibility dh and I will be building on that extra lot so we were talking about it this weekend. Somewhere in the conversation I said, 'well we know where the property line is on one side because that shop goes 1 1/2 feet onto the lot.' He said no it doesn't . As I said, I let it go but was scratching my head over it....Yesterday when we were there at the property it was mentioned again. Turns out he thought I was talking about the shop on my parents corner lot where the house sits. I just let that one go, but I was thinking WHY? would you think I was talking about the corner shop when we were discussing the empty lot. I think ​it is because I maybe used the wrong (according to dh's mind) word....He is calling the neighbor's structure a shed and my parents structure a shop. So it is more of the same. He gets hung up on precise descriptions and he can't see the big picture. And if he had realized I was talking about the neighbors structure he very likely would have corrected my wording. 'You mean shed? It isn't a shop.' 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.