How to word this?

[Elizabeth86]

Help me think of a polite way to ask my family not to go overboard on Christmas presents for my kids this year.

[Mama Geek]

That would go over here like a lead balloon.   :laugh:

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I have my kids ask for higher cost gifts. That cuts down on the quantity.

[JustEm]

I don't think there is a good way to word it. Many people find it rude to try to regulate how other people give gifts no matter how you word the request.

Edited October 4, 2017 by hjffkj

[amo_mea_filiis.]

My son is asking his grandfather for one of those hover board things for his bday.

 

Daughter wants a very specific pressure sensitive drawing tablet for xmas.

[clementine]

We requested grandparents to stick to this: "Something they want, something they need, something they'll wear, something they'll read." 

 

Our kiddos are the only grandchildren on my side, so it was necessary to limit or my parents would go overboard.  

 

For extended family we didn't make requests.  If aunts/uncles asked for a list, we put small, inexpensive items on it that our kids truly wanted.  

[Elizabeth86]

We requested grandparents to stick to this: "Something they want, something they need, something they'll wear, something they'll read."

 

Our kiddos are the only grandchildren on my side, so it was necessary to limit or my parents would go overboard.

 

For extended family we didn't make requests. If aunts/uncles asked for a list, we put small, inexpensive items on it that our kids truly wanted.

This sounds good! Do you have any ideas of what would fall under need for a 2, 4 and 6 year old?

[Elizabeth86]

Im just kind of tired of it. We do Christmas eve at my parents and every year my mom and sister buy more than they get on Christmas morning from us. They arent nearly as excited as they would be because grandma and auntie alreay got them so much. My sister actually bought several things we got them (we only get a few things for them) so Christmas morning was a bit of a let down for them and me.

[ashfern]

I keep trying this as we have so many freaking toys but my IL's just do what they want. They also spend way too much $. And it has to be the same amount spent on each kid. So the older kiddos get 1-2 gifts and the littles get 6-7 because the older kid stuff costs more.  :willy_nilly:

[Elizabeth86]

I keep trying this as we have so many freaking toys but my IL's just do what they want. They also spend way too much $. And it has to be the same amount spent on each kid. So the older kiddos get 1-2 gifts and the littles get 6-7 because the older kid stuff costs more. :willy_nilly:

I know, my sister does the dollar amount thing. She really thinks preschool age kids understand this.

[nixpix5]

My mom and stepdad do not seem to get this at all. I feel it is so wasteful to get a bunch of toys that will be played with for a few hours and then sit in a heap until thriftstore drop off. I finally just said "the kids have too many toys and they get overwhelmed by it. Could you please buy them experiences instead"

 

I was so proud of my mom this past birthday because she got my daughter a gift card to be used at the fabric store for her new sewing machine and gift cards to IHOP (her favorite restaurant) so she could take someone special out for a meal.

[Xahm]

If it's face to face, I'd play it like, "we were going through the kids' toys and cleaning up recently, and we found stuff in there from last Christmas they haven't played with yet! We need a plan for this Christmas so the kids don't get more than they can enjoy. How did you work that when we were kids, mom? I remember how special Christmas morning was with you, but I don't know what you and dad did to make it that way." I'd go for a whole conversation about Christmas traditions, sharing what you value and work towards a plan that makes sure your values are valued, but that your generous relatives also can join in the fun. Then, when Christmas gets nearer, communicate with them. Like "I know Johnny's been asking everyone for a train. We've got that covered, but he'd probably love some train PJs to go with it."

In honesty, I just grumble to my husband because it's his side that goes overboard and talking only does so much. We just pack a lot of the extra toys into the basement after we get home Christmas eve and the kids are in bed. Anything they remember, we retrieve. Otherwise it gets donated or regifted.

[Elizabeth86]

My mom and stepdad do not seem to get this at all. I feel it is so wasteful to get a bunch of toys that will be played with for a few hours and then sit in a heap until thriftstore drop off. I finally just said "the kids have too many toys and they get overwhelmed by it. Could you please buy them experiences instead"

 

I was so proud of my mom this past birthday because she got my daughter a gift card to be used at the fabric store for her new sewing machine and gift cards to IHOP (her favorite restaurant) so she could take someone special out for a meal.

There was so much crap with my 3 and my nieces 2 boys that stuff actually got lost and thrown away. It makes me sad how over the top they are. I mean, how does it make you feel good to have the things you got them just tossed aside to see whats next. My boys are generally aporeciative of everythig, but its hard to say well we will just return it because you already got one. Thats not exciting.

[Elizabeth86]

My mom and stepdad do not seem to get this at all. I feel it is so wasteful to get a bunch of toys that will be played with for a few hours and then sit in a heap until thriftstore drop off. I finally just said "the kids have too many toys and they get overwhelmed by it. Could you please buy them experiences instead"

 

I was so proud of my mom this past birthday because she got my daughter a gift card to be used at the fabric store for her new sewing machine and gift cards to IHOP (her favorite restaurant) so she could take someone special out for a meal.

There was so much crap with my 3 and my nieces 2 boys that stuff actually got lost and thrown away. It makes me sad how over the top they are. I mean, how does it make you feel good to have the things you got them just tossed aside to see whats next. My boys are generally aporeciative of everythig, but its hard to say well we will just return it because you already got one. Thats not exciting.

[Elizabeth86]

If it's face to face, I'd play it like, "we were going through the kids' toys and cleaning up recently, and we found stuff in there from last Christmas they haven't played with yet! We need a plan for this Christmas so the kids don't get more than they can enjoy. How did you work that when we were kids, mom? I remember how special Christmas morning was with you, but I don't know what you and dad did to make it that way." I'd go for a whole conversation about Christmas traditions, sharing what you value and work towards a plan that makes sure your values are valued, but that your generous relatives also can join in the fun. Then, when Christmas gets nearer, communicate with them. Like "I know Johnny's been asking everyone for a train. We've got that covered, but he'd probably love some train PJs to go with it."

In honesty, I just grumble to my husband because it's his side that goes overboard and talking only does so much. We just pack a lot of the extra toys into the basement after we get home Christmas eve and the kids are in bed. Anything they remember, we retrieve. Otherwise it gets donated or regifted.

This sounds like a good approach. I think I might write a note as I have talked before and it didnt quite sink in.

[rose]

We had this conversation with my in-laws years ago. Another approach that you could take is to talk about decluttering and trying to seek a less stuff based life. You could then hint at a couple of concrete limits, like say 2 or 3 more long lasting, classic toys. With all the media talk about materialism at Xmas you might find a natural moment for this.

 

I think that some of this conflict between generations probably has to do with how access to disposable income has changed. When I was a child we knew that my parents were broke when they stopped buying cheese and paper towels. Now they always have them. My dh's family is the same. Nothing about their incomes has substantially changed. Stuff is just so much more abundantly available these days. I suspect that most of our parents just didn't face this trouble when we were all little.

[PrairieSong]

Im just kind of tired of it. We do Christmas eve at my parents and every year my mom and sister buy more than they get on Christmas morning from us. They arent nearly as excited as they would be because grandma and auntie alreay got them so much. My sister actually bought several things we got them (we only get a few things for them) so Christmas morning was a bit of a let down for them and me.

Can you tell them this, worded in a nice way? That you don't want Christmas morning to be a let down? Also, can you talk about what you're getting your kids so that they don't buy the same things?

 

I think the experience idea is a great one. Museum passes, lessons, movie passes, aquarium, zoo, etc.

 

Sent from my XT1635-01 using Tapatalk

[happi duck]

I would switch and get together with them after Christmas.

[Guinevere]

Agreeing with happi duck.

Edited October 4, 2017 by Guinevere

[barnwife]

I would switch and get together with them after Christmas.

 

Except that in many families, they'd still get the gifts. One year, I didn't see my sister and her family from Thanksgiving until Feb. And when we showed up then, they had "Christmas" gifts for our kids.

 

So in many families, Christmas just happens, even if it's not right then.

 

FWIW, last year we welcomed a baby days after Christmas. In preparation, I told everyone that I wasn't buying gifts for anyone who didn't live in my house. It was so wonderful. I was so much less stressed about Christmas than I have been other years. Now, other people still got us/our kids gifts. I don't feel badly about that at all. They were warned, so it was their choice.

 

As for what to do with it...I donate. Frequently. I just took a rubbermaid tote of toys to the thrift store. And I already have another one ready to go. I have not come up with a way to stop them coming in.

 

I will say the kids asked for something that I donated a while back today. I don't feel badly. They hadn't played with it in forever and I was tired of them just throwing the million pieces everywhere as they looked for something else.

 

 

[SKL]

I have learned that it decreases a lot as the kids get older (thankfully).  I think probably the most loving thing to do would be to accept it quietly for now.

 

If space is a serious issue, maybe kindly let people know that you have only like 4 square inches left in their play area so small toys or books would fit the space best.

 

I did, for a couple years, send out a general email to those who would not be offended - they always asked what my kids would like every year - telling people a few things about the kids' preferences, favorite color, that sort of thing.  If I was at the end of my space, I would probably add the above suggestion about size.

 

ETA I also tell the "big spenders" in advance what my kids are getting from me.  If I want something specific and am not buying it myself for some reason, I may ask a family member to make that their gift to my kids.  Honestly it helps them.  One year I asked my dad to buy them an archery set.  I figured he would enjoy that (my mom isn't well enough to shop any more).

Edited October 4, 2017 by SKL

[J-rap]

I'd probably not word it as just about the kids, but about a whole change of plan for everyone...  like drawing names or a $20 limit for everyone.

 

(ETA:  I meant "drawing names" instead of "gift exchange.")

Edited October 4, 2017 by J-rap

[SKL]

And I always buy my kids the least for Christmas.  I don't care if they think I got them less (or Santa got them less).  The first few years I went down to the basement and brought up something I already had and put it under the tree.  I know some families only do one "Santa" gift and the rest is from various family members.  There is no rule that says the best stuff has to come from you.

 

I think it is fine if the family tradition is for the whole extended family to do big gifts while they are little.  Honestly it saves you some hassle.

 

But if it really bothers you, you do Christmas at the family on a later date or Christmas afternoon.  That's what we do.  Christmas morning at home happens first.  Even if it's not actually Christmas that day. :P

[SKL]

I'd probably not word it as just about the kids, but about a whole change of plan for everyone...  like a gift exchange or $20 limit for everyone.

 

This is a good idea in general.  I would wait until after this Christmas to make the suggestion, and be prepared for some family members to not be ready for that change yet.  :)

[Bootsie]

What are your reasons for wanting to limit the gifts?  If it is a space consideration at your home, could you suggest that some of the gifts should stay at their house for the children to play with when they visit?

 

If you are concerned that they will get the children the same thing you are getting them, can you tell them ahead of time what you are planning?

 

Generally, I try not to dictate what or how much someone else gives as a gift.  If it brings joy to the grandparents to do this and helps build a relationship between them and the grandkids, I would try to figure some way of handling what I saw as excess on my end.  (Give items away; put some in attic and rotate) It would not be something that was worth the possibility of hurt feelings over.

[happi duck]

Except that in many families, they'd still get the gifts. One year, I didn't see my sister and her family from Thanksgiving until Feb. And when we showed up then, they had "Christmas" gifts for our kids.

 

So in many families, Christmas just happens, even if it's not right then.

 

FWIW, last year we welcomed a baby days after Christmas. In preparation, I told everyone that I wasn't buying gifts for anyone who didn't live in my house. It was so wonderful. I was so much less stressed about Christmas than I have been other years. Now, other people still got us/our kids gifts. I don't feel badly about that at all. They were warned, so it was their choice.

 

As for what to do with it...I donate. Frequently. I just took a rubbermaid tote of toys to the thrift store. And I already have another one ready to go. I have not come up with a way to stop them coming in.

 

I will say the kids asked for something that I donated a while back today. I don't feel badly. They hadn't played with it in forever and I was tired of them just throwing the million pieces everywhere as they looked for something else.

 

 

Yes, they'd still get the gifts but *after* Christmas morning and any duplicates would not impact what the parents planned for Christmas morning.

 

My suggestion is about preserving Christmas morning.

 

From past threads, changing the gift giving of others never seems to work out. Gift givers open to asking first already ask first, kwim?

 

.

Edited October 4, 2017 by happi duck

[Elizabeth86]

Can you tell them this, worded in a nice way? That you don't want Christmas morning to be a let down? Also, can you talk about what you're getting your kids so that they don't buy the same things?

 

I think the experience idea is a great one. Museum passes, lessons, movie passes, aquarium, zoo, etc.

 

Sent from my XT1635-01 using Tapatalk

Im going to try.

[Elizabeth86]

I'd probably not word it as just about the kids, but about a whole change of plan for everyone... like drawing names or a $20 limit for everyone.

 

(ETA: I meant "drawing names" instead of "gift exchange.")

Adults dont do gifts.

[ealp2009]

Is there some event the grandparents could take the kids too. Like a polar express train ride or a tickets to a play or ballet? That's what we do in our family so the kids don't end up with a bunch of crap. Or a membership to a science or children's museum. These are some things we have done.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[rebcoola]

I've been trying to figure this out since I before I even had kids.  I love MIL but she has some serious buying and hoarding issues. She way over buys for every one.  She often buys so much she loses some of it because she can't remember all she bought and where she put it.  The best I have been able to do is make her, her own list so their aren't repeats.  

[skimomma]

We never succeeded in this area.  I even bordered on rude in an attempt to curb it.  Dd is in her teens so this is way less of an issue now.  I'd say we cleared the worst of it when she turned 10 or so.  When she was little she was the only grandchild on BOTH sides.  You can just imagine.  We did not buy her birthday or Christmas gifts until she was 6.  There were just so many from extended family that she did not even notice that we did not give her anything.  Santa only brings one modest gift.  She also had no-gift bday parties because the gift pile from family was already far more than her tiny bedroom could accommodate.  Since I had tried to reason with everyone, I felt zero guilt about immediately donating gifts that either were duplicates, were too large for our home, not in line with our values, or simply not of interest to dd.  This was often more than half of the gifts.  I felt terrible the first year but then just started to get MAD.  Their need to gift the way they wanted was causing us stress, work, hard feelings, and general irritation.    Dd broke out in tears during the Christmas morning she was 5 because she didn't want to open any more presents.  It was ridiculous.  If your situation is just as bad, I would not worry too much about being "polite."  I do believe there is a such a thing as "aggressive gifting."  Good luck!

[medawyn]

I've given up to some extent; it's hard to dictate to other adults what to buy/not buy kids if they won't listen after a mention or two.  We've also moved out of state, and we stay home for Christmas, so that's avoided some of the craziness of a million gifts all on Christmas Eve/Day.  

 

I'm also a fairly early Christmas shopper, and gift wish lists are common and encouraged in my FOO.  I try to send a list for the kids in early November that mentions what Santa is bringing and gives some very specific suggestions as well as some categories of gifts.  This works for us because we have a combination of grandparents that go overboard and aunts/uncles who have no idea what kids might like.  

 

I have also REALLY encouraged subscriptions: magazines, Kiwi Co, Ivy Kids, etc. as well as memberships/experiences.  I follow these up with periodic photos of us reading/working on a project/enjoying an experience or even an additional thank you note.

[clementine]

This sounds good! Do you have any ideas of what would fall under need for a 2, 4 and 6 year old?

 

Want - stuffed animal, action figure, coloring book/crayons, rubber ball, bath toys, playdoh..... anything they've expressed interest in.

 

Need - toothbrush, undies, bath towel, slippers, socks, backpack, school workbooks/pencils... anything the kiddos need.

 

Wear - self-explanatory :)  pajamas or clothing that they'd like... our dd liked ballet clothes/shoes.   This could also include hair accessories, nail polish, scarves/mittens, shoes, etc.

 

Read - board books for the littles, comic books, read alouds....anything that can be read (independently or as a family).  

[Reefgazer]

In addition to the other suggestions (I liked the one about seeing them after Christmas), tell the that anything above say 2 gifts will need to be kept at their house for play when the kids come over because you simply do not have the space to store so many gifts.

[Elizabeth86]

Want - stuffed animal, action figure, coloring book/crayons, rubber ball, bath toys, playdoh..... anything they've expressed interest in.

 

Need - toothbrush, undies, bath towel, slippers, socks, backpack, school workbooks/pencils... anything the kiddos need.

 

Wear - self-explanatory :) pajamas or clothing that they'd like... our dd liked ballet clothes/shoes. This could also include hair accessories, nail polish, scarves/mittens, shoes, etc.

 

Read - board books for the littles, comic books, read alouds....anything that can be read (independently or as a family).

Great, I was drawing a blank. Thanks.

[Alice]

I have tried and tried and have not found a way to have my Mom limit what she buys. I get told I am mean if I push too hard. There are other issues there and other boundaries that are more important to set for me so this is an area that I've somewhat given in on.

 

We have gone to giving more experiences because they get so much stuff from other family. It doesn't limit the stuff from family but it does give us a way to do something special that is not just stacks of more toys.

 

We've done: reptile house tour, trapeze lessons, tickets to plays, day at a favorite activity, pottery lesson. Or I will buy thing that I know they could use and that are special (expensive sports equipment, camping stuff for Scouts, science supplies for school, really good art stuff). For Christmas we have started to do a big family gift, usually an experience like tickets to a play or event. One year we went away and went snow tubing and to a water park.

[Garga]

I have learned that it decreases a lot as the kids get older (thankfully).  I think probably the most loving thing to do would be to accept it quietly for now.

 

 

This. 

 

Once the kids get older and want video games that are $50 a pop, the amount of presents goes down.  I'd say, just let it happen.  Let everyone know what you are getting and say, "Please make sure you don't get Ralphie the bb gun as we already got that for him."

 

If it's possible, I like the idea of having their time be after Christmas morning.  Christmas eve can really steal the thunder of Christmas morning and it's not fair to mom and dad who only get a few years of that.  Grandma already had her Christmas mornings and it's your turn now.  Don't tell them that, but if you can get together on Christmas afternoon or something that would be better. 

 

And in the end, just take the extra stuff and then donate it.  The excess giving will stop in a few years.  I like the idea of a PP to ask for expensive toys.  If they're going to buy 15 $10 toys, then just go ahead and ask for the entire Thomas the Tank Engine set for $150.

[LMD]

I ask for experience gifts, tickets to the zoo, aquarium etc.

 

So maybe...

something to read, something to do,

Something to wear, something from you!

(1 book, experience, pj's, 1 thing/toy they choose)

[Guest]

I never found an answer either, but I don't think I need one any more.

 

My caboose baby isn't that much younger than my others were when I started getting mean (to me) emails about how it was"high time they found out there ain'[t no santy claus and if you haven't told them, I will! This year I am giving MY grandchildren checks made out in THEIR names and lists of their well-heeled second, third, and fourth cousins' names and wishes and YOU are going to take MY grandchildren shopping, young lady!"

 

My parents are older too and our relationships have evolved, besides the fact that apartment rent in retirement communities costs a whole lot more than ancient 50+ year old mortgage, taxes, home owners association fees and whatever else homeowers have to deal with instead of crummy landlords.

 

This kid around I would just have said, "Now you listen here, bub, this year I am going to buy the Santa Presents for MY child and I am going to give MY father a list of what all the little boys his age want for Christmas this year and allow HIM to choose one of them! I love you so much, Dad, and I'm so glad Mom let you be santy claus this kid. Now about those pecan pralines, are you SURE you don't want me to use artificial sweetener this year? I'm twitchy about diabetes because....."

Edited October 4, 2017 by Guest

[Paige]

We have requested family gifts before- memberships to the zoo and aquarium and stuff like that. 

[Rachel]

Im just kind of tired of it. We do Christmas eve at my parents and every year my mom and sister buy more than they get on Christmas morning from us. They arent nearly as excited as they would be because grandma and auntie alreay got them so much. My sister actually bought several things we got them (we only get a few things for them) so Christmas morning was a bit of a let down for them and me.

Could you save the presents from extended family until after Christmas morning? You could get together on Christmas Eve but not do presents. Will your mom and sister listen if you tell them that the kids aren't excited about the gifts you purchase because they already got presents?

[Rosie_0801]

It's easier to let the rellies buy the clothes and toys, then you can fill a Christmas stocking and start building them a stock portfolio or something. 

[Elizabeth86]

Thanks for all the advice. I think I will tell them what I prefer and let them know if it doesnt go well we will do presents after Christmas. This will likely get my point across as Christmas eve is a big deal for my family.

 

I think what bygs me most is they got to lavish me with all these gifts growing up because they were my immediate family. It bugs me because I dont think they realize they are extended family to my kids. My dh, me and the kids are a family and I dont think they like to accept that kwim?

[Guest]

 

I think what bygs me most is they got to lavish me with all these gifts growing up because they were my immediate family. It bugs me because I dont think they realize they are extended family to my kids. My dh, me and the kids are a family and I dont think they like to accept that kwim?

 

Yes, kwim.  Its hard for them to accept that the dc have grown up and formed their own families.  They don't want to face aging.  My inlaws want their dc to sleep over Christmas Eve...pj party, etc etc while the spouses go home then bring the gc back.  They did not  go visit their own parents dragging all their dc along, so its not tradition.

 

I realized in the end that the overdoing was because of the hoarding/shopping tendencies.  The stuff is bought year round and saved for Christmas...its really decluttering that they are doing, with the hope that something will get the favored gc to smile, and the unfavored to be sad. Its also a ploy..if we have to accept, we have to exchange, and that opened us up to manipulation attempts.  So, we stopped.  We enjoy our holidays now.

[Elizabeth86]

Yes, kwim. Its hard for them to accept that the dc have grown up and formed their own families. They don't want to face aging. My inlaws want their dc to sleep over Christmas Eve...pj party, etc etc while the spouses go home then bring the gc back. They did not go visit their own parents dragging all their dc along, so its not tradition.

 

I realized in the end that the overdoing was because of the hoarding/shopping tendencies. The stuff is bought year round and saved for Christmas...its really decluttering that they are doing, with the hope that something will get the favored gc to smile, and the unfavored to be sad. Its also a ploy..if we have to accept, we have to exchange, and that opened us up to manipulation attempts. So, we stopped. We enjoy our holidays now.

Ok, yikes that sounds terrible. My situation is not bad like that just a bit frustrating.