How old is too old?

[ktgrok]

After reading your update I say do it. (of course, i'm 41 holding a newborn, and have a teenager as well as two kids in between.) I get the wide age gap, and say it doesn't matter. Every gap has it's pluses and minuses. 

[katilac]

I knew someone would say that kids with a large age difference won't be close. I have not found that to be true at all. My 18 year old was snuggled up watching Star Trek with my 10 year old today.

 

 

Agreed. I was always, and continue to be, very close to my oldest sister (7 years older). More so than the sister who was 2 years older, actually. We were not a homeschooling family. When she was a teen, oldest sis was awesome about watching gameshows with me, playing games, taking me shopping, and so on. Close in age is very convenient for playmates when they are very young, but otherwise I think you just never can tell.  

 

 

The answer is YES, I want another child very much!  I have about a 50% chance of 1 out of the 3 remaining embryos becoming a full term pregnancy. I have been down the infertility road so much, though, that if it is not meant to be I will be sad, but not broken.  However, I will have regrets if I do not try.

 

This is what matters most. You want it, and you feel like you can deal with it if a baby does come along, and also if a baby does not come along. 

[wenbow]

It's my opinion (only mine!) that f your heart is desiring another child, you will regret not trying more than you will regret the outcomes of trying (i.e., the embryos not taking, being an older parent, large age gaps in siblings).

 

That said, it is an absolutely huge decision. Good luck and many prayers as you consider the options and their ramifications.

 

Thanks for this opinion!  This is what it boils down to.  Of course it's normal to debate this very big decision-making process, but I keep coming back to this.  I will regret not trying, and it is now or never.

[Janeway]

How wonderful for you!!! I hope the embryos take!!!

[wenbow]

How wonderful for you!!! I hope the embryos take!!!

 

Thank you so much!  :rolleyes:

[heartlikealion]

On the older siblings thing: just had a long talk with ds. He is bothered by the relationship between a friend of his who is a twin. The two are not close at all, constantly squabbling. He, on the other hand, is VERY close with his sisters, 11 and 8 years older than he is. He commented that it isn't the ages that seem to do it, but parenting that emphasizes sibling bonds. Yep. 

 

If you have a kid in your mid-40's, yeah, you'll be tired. Yeah, that kid might be looking at parents whose health is failing. Am I glad that dd knows her dad, but he may not be around to see her graduate from college? Yes, a thousand times, yes. 

 

We can't put this all on the shoulders of parents requiring bonding time, either. I think a lot of it is personality.

 

I don't know if I'm reading into this too much but it seems like you're saying that you're happy you had your daughter despite the fact that her dad might not get to be with her after college. Well, of course most parents would say that they are happy they have their child. I'm not sure how that reflects how it affects the child, though. Will it be tough on a child if they don't have a father to walk them down the aisle or if their kids never meet their grandparents? I mean these are all the things that run through my mind. I admit there are times I've regretted being born, thinking I'm just a burden to my parents in their older age as they have bailed me out financially in tough times and when I come over with the grandkids it's stressful to them maybe more so than enjoyable. I usually just stay at my in-law's home in their town and only swing the kids by for brief visits. I don't know how old dd would have to be in order for me to drop the kids off there. It's like Christmas is a chore to them and we're going through the motions for the kids. I feel kind of bitter sometimes.

 

[SKL]

Yeah, as far as siblings being close, I think it's more a personality thing than a proximity in age thing.

 

In my family, I am very close to my sister who is 13 years younger.  As a kid, I always got along best with the sibling whose age was most different from mine.  My oldest brother, and then my youngest sister.  The 3 other kids in between, not so much.  :)  As adults, I am closest to my sisters (2 and 13 years younger).  I still get along with my brothers, but we don't have much in common.

[Guest]

I honestly felt as good or better in my 40s than I did in my 30s. Part of the reason is that I had more time to take care of myself now that my children were a little older and more self sufficient. (I had children in my 20s and 30s.)

 

I think the better question to ask than, "Do I feel young enough to have a baby in my 40s?" is to instead ask, "Will I feel energetic enough to raise a *teenager* when I'm in my 60s?"

 

I could've managed fairly easily to handle and care for a baby in my mid-40s. Would I be able to handle those teen years in my 60s is an entirely different question.

That's what I meant by too old. I had my first baby at 20, and I'm already feeling physically worn out by 30 because of back to back babies. But I could handle more babies in a decade. I'm not sure I can physically do teenagers for the next three decades of life though. I'll have four children in college or graduated from it by the age of the OP, and going and starting over from scratch with another baby would be doable, but the effort of helping another child fully to adulthood might just be too much.

 

I've had a lot of health issues during years where many women are still in school, working, partying or traveling though. So maybe I'm just in a different place altogether in terms of bodily and emotional wear and tear. That's why this is so individual - the OP could be in a place at 45 that I was at 25, but regardless the commitment to each child is extensive and I'd be asking myself if I wanted to be doing it at 66, not 46. That's the bigger concern.

Edited April 29, 2017 by Arctic Mama

[mommyoffive]

Well, you might get odd looks when you explain that you're the kid's MOM, not grandmother! We live in such a small town that everyone already knows.  :lol:

 

One problem we did run into was folks assuming that my last one belonged to my oldest dd. Um, no, they were just best buds. There was a lot of tsk, tsking when youngest toddled up to be held whilst her big sister announced 4-H awards. Oldest just stuck her on her hip and went on. 

Ugh that stinks.

 

 

 

 

You know do what you feel is right in your heart.   I think you want to go for it so do it.  Good luck.  

 

I think people judge you no matter what you do.  If you have more than 2 kids you get judged.  If you only have one you get judged.  If you have kids at a young age you get judged.  If you have them at an older age you get judged.  

 

I wish that I could turn back time and do what I wanted to do.  I had some family members that so harshly told me what I should be doing that it made have kids later.  I wish that I would have had them earlier.  20 or 22.  Looking at life now I didn't need to graduate from college.  I wish that I had older kids now so I could have the gift of seeing them grow up longer. 

Or so I think.  Or so everyone thinks.  

Everyone thinks that it is fine if you have kids young.  You have decades to live.  But that isn't a for sure thing.  Just because you have kids when you are 22 doesn't mean you will live any longer than if you have a kid when you are 52.   You just never know.   

[LindaOz]

I had my youngest at 46. So she is now 5 and I am 51. I also have a 6yo and a bunch of teens/early twenties.

Love it! Wouldn't change it!

 

Ps: The relationship between my two younger dd's and their older siblings is very precious. It's a bonus that my older kids didn't have. I also found that I had time to spend with my younger two because of the the age gap. Would do it again in a heart beat.

Edited April 29, 2017 by LindaOz

[LindaOz]

One problem we did run into was folks assuming that my last one belonged to my oldest dd. Um, no, they were just best buds.

Haha. Yep. That's happened to a couple of my girls too including my 17yo just the other day. She doesn't look any older than 17 and usually gets taken for younger, so how she could possibly be parent to a 5yo and 6yo is a little weird....but, oh well. I think she thought it was funny.

 

My dd22 calls them her 'Abraham moments' - you know, when Abraham says of Sarah, 'She's my sister'. ;)

[Audrey]

To each her own.

 

Personally, no way in hell would I want to be pregnant at 46 (I'm only a bit older than that now).  Adopt?  That's another story.

[Audrey]

I'm not sure I can physically do teenagers for the next three decades of life though.

 

 

Having teens is easy peasy.  The letting go... that's the hard part.

[2_girls_mommy]

Dh was 48 and I 39.5 when our last was born. I was willing to have another right away, but he decided he was too old now.  3 years later, I am feeling done too. 

 

But in your case, I am sure I would probably go ahead and do it. 

[ktgrok]

I HIGHLY recommend having kids in your 20's, 30's AND 40's!  :lol:

 

I have a friend who is the same age as my second, so 29. She has a 19yo... And a 17yo, and a 14yo, and a 12yo, and a 7yo, and a 4yo, and a 2yo and a brand-new baby. Their family is a lovely picture of adoption. 

 

Wait, your friend had her first child at age 12?

SaveSave

[bettyandbob]

Wait, your friend had her first child at age 12?

Save

Save

You missed adoption.

[MercyA]

Well, since you brought it up...if my parents had kids so much later, I would have been without parents as a toddler, not a teenager.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[maize]

This is a very good question. It took us 7 years to finally have DS, who is now 5. I wish it had not taken so long, but infertility is not for the faint of heart. By the time he was born, DS #1 was about to turn 12! So, yes, so much for the fairytale of having two children who play together all the time and share similar experiences. I would love for DS #2 to have a younger sibling from the frozen embryos, and I have thought long and hard about a 5.5 year age difference. I am 5.5 years younger than my oldest sister and she is my main champion during this decision right now. I love her so much! Although I may not have been super close with my oldest sis when we were children, I sure don't know what I would do without her now!

 

I feel as if I will regret it if I do not try. It will haunt me forever. Everytime I see moms at the grocery store with two children a few years apart I long for this. It would be amazing if one of our embryos were to become another loving member of our family. As my OBGYN said, they are just there (in the lab) waiting for me! She is not the doctor who would be transferring them, she would just be my OB, but she is all for it! I was afraid my docs would warn me against this decision to try to become pregnant, but I left both docs' offices feeling more and more as if this is the right thing to do in our life and for our family. I don't feel my family is complete.

 

My teenager does have a different father, and he spends a lot of time at his father's house lately since his dad just broke up with his gf. We live in the same neighborhood, about 5 minutes apart. DS #1 has a job and will be a senior in HS next year. We have his college plans all laid out and the money is saved in a 529 college savings plan. My ex is very attentive to his needs, as am I.

 

The answer is YES, I want another child very much! I have about a 50% chance of 1 out of the 3 remaining embryos becoming a full term pregnancy. I have been down the infertility road so much, though, that if it is not meant to be I will be sad, but not broken. However, I will have regrets if I do not try.

Then you have your answer--you want this baby and are ready to try. Go for it and I wish you a successful, healthy pregnancy and a new bundle of joy.

 

I've watched so many friends and family members go through infertility. It takes a lot of courage to keep trying after many disappointments :grouphug:

Edited April 30, 2017 by maize

[ktgrok]

You missed adoption.

 

I was about to say "she adopted at age 12???" and then realized that you can adopt children when they are older, lol. 

[maize]

Haha. Yep. That's happened to a couple of my girls too including my 17yo just the other day. She doesn't look any older than 17 and usually gets taken for younger, so how she could possibly be parent to a 5yo and 6yo is a little weird....but, oh well. I think she thought it was funny.

 

My dd22 calls them her 'Abraham moments' - you know, when Abraham says of Sarah, 'She's my sister'. ;)

This happened to me when I was just 13 and the little sister I was giving a piggy back ride to was 6. No, I did not give birth to a child at age 7...

 

Then there was the time as young adults when some random stranger thought my older sister was my mother. We're only three years apart.

 

The life lesson here would be not to ever make assumptions about relationships between people.

[mommyoffive]

I HIGHLY recommend having kids in your 20's, 30's AND 40's!  :lol:

 

I have a friend who is the same age as my second, so 29. She has a 19yo... And a 17yo, and a 14yo, and a 12yo, and a 7yo, and a 4yo, and a 2yo and a brand-new baby. Their family is a lovely picture of adoption. 

 

How neat!  How old was she when she adopted the first kiddo and how old was the kid? 

[happypamama]

If you want more kids, and you've been given the okay, then I vote go for it! The embryos are from eggs that aren't 46, so that's in their favor.

 

I just turned 40, and we are looking at having one more in a year or so. Our older kids will potentially be 16, 13, 9.5, 7, and 5. I worry a little about the last one feeling left out because the current three youngest boys are a tight little trio, and I do feel slightly badly that our older children got that much more time with us than our littlest ones will. But our littlest ones will get the benefits of experienced parents and of extended time as the babies, and they get so many more people to love them. My current 3 and 5yo littles are so doted on. All of them are desperately hoping for one more baby (well, they'd take a dozen more, but that's not going to happen).

[Barb_]

This happened to me when I was just 13 and the little sister I was giving a piggy back ride to was 6. No, I did not give birth to a child at age 7...

 

Then there was the time as young adults when some random stranger thought my older sister was my mother. We're only three years apart.

 

The life lesson here would be not to ever make assumptions about relationships between people.

Yes!

 

When my youngest was 2 or 3, my second oldest was ... about 16 or 17. We were on vacation staying at an Embassy Suites and one morning she offered to take the baby downstairs for breakfast while I had coffee and got everyone else ready. The two of them were on the escalator when a young guy, maybe early 30s stepped on the elevator. He looked at older daughter and then baby daughter's T-shirt which proclaimed, "I'm the little sister." He rolled his eyes, snorted and asked, "little sister, huh? Where's the BIG sister?" Baby girl turned around and hugged my older daughter, "DIS da big sister--she's my best big Jennie!"

 

I hope he felt like an idiot.

[Barb_]

If you want more kids, and you've been given the okay, then I vote go for it! The embryos are from eggs that aren't 46, so that's in their favor.

 

I just turned 40, and we are looking at having one more in a year or so. Our older kids will potentially be 16, 13, 9.5, 7, and 5. I worry a little about the last one feeling left out because the current three youngest boys are a tight little trio, and I do feel slightly badly that our older children got that much more time with us than our littlest ones will. But our littlest ones will get the benefits of experienced parents and of extended time as the babies, and they get so many more people to love them. My current 3 and 5yo littles are so doted on. All of them are desperately hoping for one more baby (well, they'd take a dozen more, but that's not going to happen).

You didn't ask for advice, lol, but something we've done to help remedy the "nothing in common" problem is to purposefully share the same favorite books, games, videos, movies, toys, etc with the younger kids. Having a somewhat similar cultural background has helped them to have a similar frame of reference regardless of age.

[regentrude]

If you want more kids, go for it. (Don't do it just because you want your child to have a sibling!).

Since you have the embryos frozen, one main concern about older mothers, namely the higher likelihood of a chromosomal defect, is not an issue for you.

 

My grandmother was 44 when my mother was born. After raising her own children, grandma was for several decades involved in raising grand kids. I was born when my grandmother she was 71, and she was my main caregiver when I was little. She lived to 93 - long enough to see her grandchildren start college.

[Anne in CA]

Well...you have a 17 yo old so you know what teenagerhood entails. For ME- once I experienced teens (and mine are really good kids :)) I knew that I could not do that stage of parenting again over the long haul. Teens cured me of "maybe one more".

 

Teens are great but require a different kind of energy. With an older teen you already know what you are getting into ;)

I have said it before, and I will say it again, teens are why I don't have ten kids. My oldest was 13 when my youngest was 1. As much as I wanted more kids, I knew I was not going to last through more than three teens.

[Carrie12345]

On the older siblings thing: just had a long talk with ds. He is bothered by the relationship between a friend of his who is a twin. The two are not close at all, constantly squabbling. He, on the other hand, is VERY close with his sisters, 11 and 8 years older than he is. He commented that it isn't the ages that seem to do it, but parenting that emphasizes sibling bonds. Yep. 

 

 

 

Meh.  My youngest sister and I never really bonded with the middle one.

Some of my 5 have strong bonds, and some don't.

[ktgrok]

You didn't ask for advice, lol, but something we've done to help remedy the "nothing in common" problem is to purposefully share the same favorite books, games, videos, movies, toys, etc with the younger kids. Having a somewhat similar cultural background has helped them to have a similar frame of reference regardless of age.

 

We do that, although not really on purpose. But I made a big deal out of the fact that the show Zoboomafoo, which my 7 and 4 year old like, was a show that my 17 year old loved when he was their age. Heck, I even made a big deal out of the fact that they all wore some of the same cloth diapers, lol!  So yeah, I do try to stress things they have in common, and I do stress family culture and connectedness even in small ways. 

[wenbow]

To each her own.

 

Personally, no way in hell would I want to be pregnant at 46 (I'm only a bit older than that now).  Adopt?  That's another story.

 

DH mentioned adopting, and I'm like, "But we have frozen embryos!"  That's when I went to the docs to get their advice.  My fertility doctor is one of the best in the world, and he is so excited for me.  He pointed out that my embryos are from my 39 year old eggs and DH 38 year old sperm. DH is a year younger than I.  My doctor also pointed out that he can do the chromosomal testing on the embryos, however he really doesn't find it necessary since we have our healthy DS age 5 from the same day transfer as the cryopreservation. It is a little mind-boggling, but to think of the magnitude that those little glass straws hold everytime I look at my precious 5 year old ds.  I can't not give them a chance.  Even with many on this thread voicing their well-informed based upon experience concerns, my heart still tells me to go for it.  

 

Someone asked about my family reproductive history, so here goes:  

 

My oldest sister had my amazingly talented, beautiful and hilariously funny niece at age 43, she is now 9 years old.

My maternal grandmother had her last daughter in her forties.

My maternal great-grandmother had my grandmother when she was 43.  Born in 1925, Granny is now 91!

My maternal grandfather's sister "Aunt D" had her last daughter at 46.

 

My mom is a healthy 72, and she is on board with a possible 9th grandchild.

 

 

BTW, our infertility factor is all male factor because DH had very low sperm count.  I became pregnant quite easily during my first marriage with DS #1 when I was 28 years old.  I'm not saying I would have been able to become pregnant naturally at my age if we did not have his male factor infertility, but there is a history of many women in my family becoming pregnant in their mid forties.  These are just the ones I know about, and we have a huge extended family!

[Guest]

My great-grandmother had her last child - naturally, mind you, as this was back in the days before modern fertility medicine - at the mature age of 52. So I know it certainly CAN be done.

[ktgrok]

Sounds like a great family history! I think that helps...when you get pregnant late easily, that's very different than when it takes a huge struggle...I think the odds are in your favor of a healthy pregnancy given when you said.

[marbel]

Will it be tough to maybe not have their dad there? Yeah, it probably will. My last three are very likely not have that. But that makes the time NOW that much more special. She never got to meet her one grandfather and one grandmother, and the other set were so old that she really doesn't remember them. They no longer came up as the altitude was too much. We'd swing by and say hi, but my dad and his wife never had the kids over. I wish my mom had seen her grandkids, but it was not to be. My kids are content knowing that their grandparents would have been proud of them (well, my kids could never do anything right for my mil but that was HER loss). I have nice kids but they wouldn't exist if my mom had stopped having kids at 38. I'm glad she didn't. 

 

Agreed.

 

My husband never met my father.  He died at 75, a respectable age. But I got married late.  

 

But I know many young people who lost their (young) parents.  A mom of 30 leaving behind a 15-month-old.  A mom who had her first at 20 died before he was 8, leaving him and a younger sister.  Etc. etc.

 

People die at all ages. Sure, odds are better for a younger person.  But anything can happen to anyone, anytime.  

 

My mother died at 85. My kids were pretty young (she was 39 when I was born and I was 41 and 42 when mine were born). She was a much more fun grandma than my in-laws, who are pretty disinterested despite being much younger than my mom.   

 

Anecdotes, I know.  Statistics, I don't have.  Just a lot of observation.

[heartlikealion]

I want to balance out some of my other comments. I was not suggesting that people can't die of any age. I was not saying people are better off not born because they didn't get to grow up with grandparents or maybe parents, but just that it's something to consider. Some of us that did grow up with grandparents can't imagine giving that up if given a choice. But obviously there are no guarantees that the families will live close together or that they will die later in life. My parents came to see me this weekend and we're going to my grandma's funeral in a couple of days. She was my last living grandparent and I'm blessed she lived as long as she did. I never met her husband, he died before I was born. I want to mention some of the positives of being young and having older parents. There are times dh and I can help my parents and we are happy to do so. And since my older siblings never had children, we were able to give them grandchildren and even though my mom couldn't really interact with the kids I know she was very excited to become a grandma (Dad was probably happy to become a grandpa, too).

[amy g.]

I think much of it comes down to personality. One of my swim team friends was chasing after her toddler granddaughter at practice. I said, "Hey, where do I sign up for that job?" I didn't feel like, "Oh, I'm so old and tired. I'm glad I don't have a one year old, three year old, teenager..."

 

There isn't some other life I'm looking forward to and don't want to be too old for when my last kid leaves home.

 

I did have teenagers at the same time as toddlers and babies. It was challenging to be sure, but nothing that would scare me off of doing it again. And that included kids with special needs and food allergies.

 

I understand what some people are saying about grandparents, but my parents had me in their 20s and due to metal illness, I've never let my mom see most of my children.

 

On the other hand Dh was born when his mom was 40 and his day was 54. Since his mom lived to be 88, she was close to my kids. Not playing chase, but cooking their favorite meals, reading to them, sewing with them...

 

My children were even close to my own grandmother who lived to be 99 and was still having fancy tea parties with them to the end.

 

It just comes down to preferences. For me, I wasn't too old until I physically could not carry another child.

 

I'm still up for borrowing one though!

[mommyoffive]

I think much of it comes down to personality. One of my swim team friends was chasing after her toddler granddaughter at practice. I said, "Hey, where do I sign up for that job?" I didn't feel like, "Oh, I'm so old and tired. I'm glad I don't have a one year old, three year old, teenager..."

 

There isn't some other life I'm looking forward to and don't want to be too old for when my last kid leaves home.

 

I did have teenagers at the same time as toddlers and babies. It was challenging to be sure, but nothing that would scare me off of doing it again. And that included kids with special needs and food allergies.

 

I understand what some people are saying about grandparents, but my parents had me in their 20s and due to metal illness, I've never let my mom see most of my children.

 

On the other hand Dh was born when his mom was 40 and his day was 54. Since his mom lived to be 88, she was close to my kids. Not playing chase, but cooking their favorite meals, reading to them, sewing with them...

 

My children were even close to my own grandmother who lived to be 99 and was still having fancy tea parties with them to the end.

 

It just comes down to preferences. For me, I wasn't too old until I physically could not carry another child.

 

I'm still up for borrowing one though!

 

 

I really relate to this.

 

 

 

Go with your heart!

[Selkie]

Best of luck to you! I hope you'll be sharing happy baby news with us soon!  :001_smile:

[Corraleno]

I think much of it comes down to personality. One of my swim team friends was chasing after her toddler granddaughter at practice. I said, "Hey, where do I sign up for that job?" I didn't feel like, "Oh, I'm so old and tired. I'm glad I don't have a one year old, three year old, teenager..."

 

There isn't some other life I'm looking forward to and don't want to be too old for when my last kid leaves home.

 

 

This, exactly.

 

There's nothing I want to do that I can't do while my kids live at home, but plenty of things I love to do that I can't do when they're gone. I'm going to miss living with them so much.  :crying:

[HS Mom in NC]

You don't get decide what kind of relationship your kids have with their siblings regardless of the age differences.  You can be encouraging and you can hope.  That's it. They'll do what they're going to do.

 

Adoptive parenting is different parenting than biological parenting.  If you're not willing to look into the differences and apply them, adoption isn't for you. Read up on the Dr. Purvis TBRI research and practices before you decide. It's not for everyone. If you are willing, go for it! But don't think in your mind that adoption and biological reproduction are interchangeable when it comes to raising kids.

Edited May 1, 2017 by Homeschool Mom in AZ