Peeping Tom?

[Melissa in Australia]

Advice please on what to do about a peeping tom. If he stands at a certain angle and holds his eye in a certain spot on the crack of the door he can see the whole bathroom. As there is nobody home ATM except me and the younger 3 I have been getting up very early to have my shower, way before any of the others are up ( I hoped). I have had a feeling I have been watched but thought that I am just starting to go crazy. This morning I sprung a person there ( new arrival). I feel sick and angry 😡

[amo_mea_filiis.]

Can you hang a curtain to block the viewing spot?

[SparklyUnicorn]

maybe find a way to cover the crack

 

which I know, is not really addressing the core of the problem....

 

that sounds very challenging

 

 

[Melissa in Australia]

Can you hang a curtain to block the viewing spot?

Well today the feeling of being watched was so strong that I pulled the shower curtain half over the door crack, flooding the bathroom floor. The bathroom is minimum size.

[fraidycat]

:grouphug:

 

First, I'd be getting some sort of "weather stripping" for the bathroom door to seal off any cracks in the door when it is closed. Or hanging a dark curtain above the door that reaches to the floor, inside the bathroom, to close over the door to ensure privacy.

 

Then, we'd be having several talks about privacy and respect.

[maize]

I agree with the weather stripping to seal the crack between the door and frame. We did this for our bedroom to ensure privacy.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Another red flag for a very disturbed child when put together with all the other stuff you've talked about.  This needs to be addressed in a counseling setting if they are not going to place him elsewhere. 

[East Coast Sue]

Yeah, what Jean said is right on- unfortunately. You need to think carefully about the safety of everyone in your home. I'd encourage you to think this through as if it were someone else asking you for advice. What would you tell them? I know this is very difficult but please listen to your instincts and don't ignore them.

 

 

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[Seasider]

Oh Melissa, you have your hands more than full with that little guy alone!

 

Please call your social worker/agency contact right away. At the very least this should be the type of red flag that gets faster services.

[Melissa in Australia]

Yeah, what Jean said is right on- unfortunately. You need to think carefully about the safety of everyone in your home. I'd encourage you to think this through as if it were someone else asking you for advice. What would you tell them? I know this is very difficult but please listen to your instincts and don't ignore them.

 

 

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Believe me we are.

[MooCow]

Can you shove a towel in the Crack until it can be fixed?

 

 

*off topic my auto correct keeps capitalizing Crack

[Melissa in Australia]

Crack too thin to shove anything in. I will not have another shower until dh returns from camping on Friday. Then at least someone can guard child while others use the bathroom.

 

 

Argh. I am so over this. I want a normal life for a change. It is so awful never ever able to have a second for myself. Not even to have a shower.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Have you specifically told them that you don't want this child in your home? (No judgment on that- it seems like a bad placement). Can they force you to keep him?

 

 

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[SKL]

I agree with covering the crack from the inside.

 

I feel this is kind of serious as it is detrimental to a boy that age, and it suggests he has had unhealthy experiences in the past relating to the human body.  I'm so sorry you are going through this.  :(  I know you live remotely, but is there any possibility of getting someone to come to your home for a portion of each day / week to give you some respite?

Edited February 22, 2017 by SKL

[MyLittleBears]

Could you use caulk?

[Farrar]

We have a very nudity casual household where I wouldn't be fussed except by the idea that a kid wanted to look... but then I realized this is your new little guy. I agree with some weather stripping as a temporary fix - or maybe if you don't have time to get to the hardware store, some duck tape as a very temporary fix. You could turn it into a flap by overlapping it.

 

Sending lots of hugs. This seems like it calls for professional advice so I hope the social worker and whatever other supports you have can help you figure out the right response.

[Melissa in Australia]

Tape! you are a genius. I can do tape.

[East Coast Sue]

Believe me we are.

I do believe you! Please only take my words as encouragement to stay the course in protecting yourself and your children. I wouldn't want it to come across as if I were second guessing you or your decisions.

 

 

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[Rachel]

If tape doesn't work could you thumb tack a towel across the doorway so that it blocks the crack?

 

I found out my daughter was spying on me when I showered. I can leave the linen closet door open so that it blocks the view through the crack in the French doors. I also told her to stop doing that, which I know won't work in your situation.

 

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

[mathnerd]

Tape! you are a genius. I can do tape.

Yes, duct tape. Even painter's tape or weather proofing tape on the inside will do the job temporarily.

[Selkie]

Melissa, between this and your previous post about his penchant for torturing and killing animals, I am very worried for the safety of your family. A different placement might be best for both him and you.  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Catwoman]

Melissa, between this and your previous post about his penchant for torturing and killing animals, I am very worried for the safety of your family. A different placement might be best for both him and you. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

:iagree:

 

I agree with selkie. I know you want to help this boy, but I think his issues are too serious, and I am concerned for you and your family.

[Melissa in Australia]

Melissa, between this and your previous post about his penchant for torturing and killing animals, I am very worried for the safety of your family. A different placement might be best for both him and you. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

Thank you

We know this, but dh and I felt that to be fair to the child we need to give the school and psychologists a go. And now we realise that for ourselves we need to give all the professionals a go. Just so we can live with ourselves when placement fails.

 

We know that we are possably the last chance this boy has of a permanent home. We are very very close to giving up on a child.(crying)

[Catwoman]

Thank you

We know this, but dh and I felt that to be fair to the child we need to give the school and psychologists a go. And now we realise that for ourselves we need to give all the professionals a go. Just so we can live with ourselves when placement fails.

 

We know that we are possably the last chance this boy has of a permanent home. We are very very close to giving up on a child.(crying)

I admire your concern for the boy, but I believe your first responsibility is to your own family, and this boy is taking far too much of your time and energy from your other children. I don't think it is fair to them to have to live amid the turmoil this boy is causing.

 

I think his issues are beyond what you will be able to handle, particularly given that you have other children in your home. Even if you and your dh were childless and wanted to try to help this boy, it would still be incredibly difficult if not impossible based on what you have told us about him. His problems aren't his fault, but that doesn't mean you have to put your own family at risk (or just make them miserable and not have time to do things with them) to try to solve them.

 

I know I sound heartless, but I am very concerned about the long term psychological and emotional effects this placement may be having on your own children. It has to be difficult for them.

[Melissa in Australia]

I agree with you Cat, there are more problems than what I have voiced on here, I have basically said the same to case manager just before.

 

Your comments above are the reason DH is camping with ds13 and dd 17 all this week

 

We are meant to have a specialist in trauma children psychologist working with the family for 4 hours a week starting in 2 weeks. 2 weeks may just be too far away. I don't think I can do it any more. I hate the person I have become just to get through each day.

[Tap]

If you have thumb tacks or even just some fine nails, I would put a sheet up in side the door.

 

Good luck figuring out a long term solution.  It is really hard to help kids when you see the behaviors that need addressing....let alone the behaviors we don't know about.   :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Harriet Vane]

:grouphug:

[MooCow]

Don't hate yourself please.......you are in crisis mode and got to do what you got to do. (Hug)

[Catwoman]

I agree with you Cat, there are more problems than what I have voiced on here, I have basically said the same to case manager just before.

 

Your comments above are the reason DH is camping with ds13 and dd 17 all this week

 

We are meant to have a specialist in trauma children psychologist working with the family for 4 hours a week starting in 2 weeks. 2 weeks may just be too far away. I don't think I can do it any more. I hate the person I have become just to get through each day.

Please don't be hard on yourself! I don't know how you manage to get through the days at all -- the stress and worry must be absolutely overwhelming. And remember, you wouldn't be feeling so badly about all of this if you weren't such a good person. Most other people would have told the case manager that they couldn't handle the boy within a few days of his arrival. You have been trying everything possible to make the placement work and you and your dh wouldn't do that if you weren't very kind and generous people.

 

But please give yourself permission to not be perfect and to know that no matter how hard you try, you can't help everyone. It's not your fault that this poor child has so many problems, and it is nothing to be ashamed of if you admit that you can't help him.

 

Sending you many hugs. :grouphug:

[Innisfree]

Four hours a week?

 

Melissa, forgive me; I respect what you have done for your twins and what you're trying to do for the new arrival more than I can say.

 

And I know you know, better than I, what I'm about to say.

 

But kids diagnosed with autism get ABA prescribed up to 30-40 hours per week. There are differing opinions about whether that's the right approach, but still, under some circumstances, it gets prescribed and the kids get the therapy.

 

Your new arrival, poor kid, needs help just as badly. You and your other kids do too. As I said, I know you know this. I am just outraged on your behalf that someone isn't providing therapy in your home or wherever it would help you most for 40 hours or so a week. I do not begin to know if that would suffice to repair some of the damage that child has endured, but it might help you help him.

 

We need to do better by our children. We are all appalled by child abuse, but we can't seem to provide the support an abused child needs to recover. (And I am using "we" in the broadest sense here; I doubt any of our countries really have this down pat). You, all on your own, are doing so much more than most of us. You deserve as much support as you need.

 

I wish I could offer more than hugs and outrage.

Edited February 23, 2017 by Innisfree

[Rachel]

Hugs Melissa! I know you don't want to give up on a child. I wish there were a way to help.

[zoobie]

:grouphug:

 

It really sounds as if he needs intensive, possibly inpatient care.

 

You can tack (thumbtack, small nail) a strip of fabric or similar at the top of the door frame that's wide enough to cover the crack. Masking tape might work too.

[fraidycat]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

It's not your fault if you can't help him. Some damage is just too much. It's heartbreaking. It's enraging. But one family can only do so much. I fear that the older will create *more* damage for the twins and undo any progress you've made with them.

 

I fear the path of destruction to you, your bio-children, your twins, and your marriage that could happen trying to save this one boy when he probably requires an institutional/live-in mental health setting where he can't access animals and younger siblings to terrorize and has constant monitoring and medical care.

[Valley Girl]

 And now we realise that for ourselves we need to give all the professionals a go. Just so we can live with ourselves when placement fails.

 

 

 

If you and your DH decided this minute that you simply could not do it any more, the fact that the placement didn't work STILL WOULD NOT BE YOUR FAULT. I am in awe of what you have done for the children you've brought into your home and your hearts. If only love alone could fix the damage done to children... but, sadly, it all too often can't. You're being left to struggle through overwhelming problems essentially on your own--or at least with precious little help from the professionals--from the sound of things. That's heartbreaking and unfair and...everything. You are doing everything thing you can and much more than the vast majority of people could ever imagine doing.

[Guest]

If they brought back the firing squad for the people that damaged these boys, I'd sign up to pull the trigger. How horrific.

 

What you have done for the twins is so amazing and beautiful. And taking on the older was such a loving thing to do and most people wouldn't have done it. Hugs as you make tough decisions.

[Twigs]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[mominco]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[maize]

I honestly do not see any way that the school, psychologist, or trauma specialist--or any other professional--could make this placement workable. This one kid needs essentially a personal staff of adults dedicated just to him.

 

You already have a large family with other special needs. There is no way you can either give him what he needs or protect the rest of the family from the trauma he will cause. Truthfully, if you keep him, no one wins--including him.

 

My heart is breaking for both you and this boy you have tried to call your son. I cannot imagine how hard it would be to make a decision that feels like giving up. But sometimes the only good decision is to acknowledge when the way ahead has become completely impassible and turn around--before difficulties devolve into tragedy.

 

Many hugs to all of you.

[abba12]

I agree with you Cat, there are more problems than what I have voiced on here, I have basically said the same to case manager just before.

 

Your comments above are the reason DH is camping with ds13 and dd 17 all this week

 

We are meant to have a specialist in trauma children psychologist working with the family for 4 hours a week starting in 2 weeks. 2 weeks may just be too far away. I don't think I can do it any more. I hate the person I have become just to get through each day.

 

In case you want some positive encouragement in all this, remember how hard those twins were to begin with. Your last line strikes me because I'm nearly certain you said the same words when the twins arrived, you hated who you became to manage them each day. IF you can get over the initial hump it's likely to get better. Oh I wish I was close enough to help you. 

 

 

We need to do better by our children. We are all appalled by child abuse, but we can't seem to provide the support an abused child needs to recover. (And I am using "we" in the broadest sense here; I doubt any of our countries really have this down pat). You, all on your own, are doing so much more than most of us. You deserve as much support as you need.

 

As a survivor of severe child abuse myself, in my experience the system considers us unfixable. Too far gone, too little chance of true recovery, too expensive to try. All we get are stop-gap measures until we're old enough for prison, especially the boys. Romantic notions of full care mental health placements for an 8 year old... I don't know the system as well as some of you, but I've never chanced upon anything even close to that in my searches for help. Those sorts of treatments are for kids who get in newspapers and on Dr Phil, and kids from very rich families, not for the rest of us. In a few quick years he will no longer be a troubled abused boy, he will be a 'juvenile delinquent', it will become 'his fault' he acts the way he does, so far as the system is concerned, and so the cycle repeats. 

 

If only this little one could see this is probably his last chance at a real life... My heart breaks for you Melissa, because you know all this better than anyone. I got lucky, the cycle was broken because I met some very special and very stubborn people who had an aptitude for this stuff, and we're willing to practically learn a profession to help me. For one in particular, I was literally a full time job on top of his employment, easily meeting 30-40 hours a week of direct care of which a very large part was what a psychologist or behavioural therapist would do, which he spent time learning and we figured out through trial and error. I was also incredibly self aware which is probably the only reason it worked. Most people don't get so lucky. This person tried to get me professional help, saw there was none available to me even close to my needs, and decided if they wouldn't do it, a non-professional had to still be better than nothing at all.

 

Having said all that, I was and still am a massive sacrifice of his time. He is childless, and I have become an adopted daughter to him. But in your case... you can't dedicate 40+ hours a week of time to a single child, on top of the needs of the twins and the rest of your kids. Maybe you won't need to, the environment may help a lot alongside his issues and after the initial hump he will fold in. But if he requires that sort of care, it might just be out of your reach as well, and that wont be your fault, your other kids don't need you any less than this one. The sort of help severely abused kids need is intense, and the system simply isn't interested. Too much cost for too little gain for a group unlikely to succeed. Society plays lip service to victims of abuse, but only if they're the timid, scared and broken kind, not the aggressive, angry and disturbed kind. Even those public awareness campaigns, they show scared little girls crouched in a corner, not angry little boys lashing out at animals just to feel like they're stronger than at least one thing in their life.

 

I'm totally rambling.... I have no idea what my point is lol. Maybe you'll get something from this stream-of-consciousness. 

[Melissa in Australia]

Thank you so much abba for your post

[fairfarmhand]

I know you really want to help this boy, but you need to protect your own children and the babies.

 

There's a poster from a long time ago who took in a child with RAD. She learned to cope but the fallout with her biological children was horrific.

 

This child needs to be in a place where there's one adult to focus upon him alone. No other kids. I really think that's the only way he can be successful.

[Pronghorn]

I wonder if you have an alarm on his bedroom door. It might be a good idea to get one.