athomeontheprairie Posted December 24, 2016 Share Posted December 24, 2016 I don't know what I'm asking. Both DH and I have smartphones. But neither of us view the other persons phone. I'm starting to wonder if he has a private life that I know nothing about. I don't have a "reason" to look at his phone. If it was a family computer I could check the history, but it's a phone. He left his phone by accident when he went out to run chores the other day. I opened his phone for no real reason, and as always, it's password protected. When I guessed the password, messenger came up. The first conversation read like he's having an affair (and feeling guilty). He doesn't know I read it. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to broach it. I took photos of it with my phone, so that I'd have a record. Now I'm dwelling on it. I don't know what to say. I keep trying to come up with a legitimate reason to have his phone, so that I can talk to him, without it sounding like I was snooping. I also don't want him to know I know his password. And none of that sounds healthy. What to do? If he is having an affair, I would leave. But I have no idea how to do that. I have four kids, no real marketable skills. If he isn't having a physical affair, he is at least in an unhealthy relationship. Gah. I don't know what to do. Please don't quote Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted December 24, 2016 Share Posted December 24, 2016 :grouphug: I would say something like you "feel" there is something not right or something between you that is not out in the open. Give him a chance to explain. Could it be something you misinterpreted? Better to have it on the table and you know what you are dealing with. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
athomeontheprairie Posted December 24, 2016 Author Share Posted December 24, 2016 :grouphug: I would say something like you "feel" there is something not right or something between you that is not out in the open. Give him a chance to explain. Could it be something you misinterpreted? Better to have it on the table and you know what you are dealing with. I *could* be misinterpreting. I hope that I am. In the messages he asks "I'm guessing but the cheating posts are directed at me? I'm sorry I'm constantly apologizing. My mind is my own worst enemy" He goes on "well now you've seen my dark side. I told you the other night when we were driving around my mind never shuts off...." Later he asks if she is getting his snapchats and asking if she is still in bed. Then there are pictures of videos from online. One is a young lady holding "man parts" Other is also an inappropriate picture meme. The last is a bunny having sex. Which she says "I've never seen a rabbit go at it before. that's F* hilarious." "That would be me" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
athomeontheprairie Posted December 24, 2016 Author Share Posted December 24, 2016 :grouphug: I would say something like you "feel" there is something not right or something between you that is not out in the open. Give him a chance to explain. Could it be something you misinterpreted? Better to have it on the table and you know what you are dealing with. I don't know how to bring it out into the open. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnnE-girl Posted December 24, 2016 Share Posted December 24, 2016 Honestly, rather than confront him, I'd quietly start lining up your ducks. Try to get in for a consult with an attorney next week to at least know what your options are. And maybe see your doctor for an std check. That sounds like a physical affair to me. 25 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted December 24, 2016 Share Posted December 24, 2016 Honestly, rather than confront him, I'd quietly start lining up your ducks. Try to get in for a consult with an attorney next week to at least know what your options are. And maybe see your doctor for an std check. That sounds like a physical affair to me. This. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jrn Posted December 24, 2016 Share Posted December 24, 2016 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted December 24, 2016 Share Posted December 24, 2016 (edited) Honestly, rather than confront him, I'd quietly start lining up your ducks. Try to get in for a consult with an attorney next week to at least know what your options are. And maybe see your doctor for an std check. That sounds like a physical affair to me.This. I would not confront him until you have a lot more information and a plan. Consult with all the best divorce attorneys in your area (he can't hire them if you have met with them); get to the Dr.; hire a private investigator to find out what is going on with him. Don't confront him now and give him a chance to deny and hide stuff. You need to claim as much information/power in the situation as possible. Prepare for the worst, then if it turns out you are wrong about the affair or that he is really and truly repentant and committed to change and to doing everything in his power to mend the marriage that will be a nice surprise and you can take things from there. Edited December 24, 2016 by maize 16 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 24, 2016 Share Posted December 24, 2016 Honestly, rather than confront him, I'd quietly start lining up your ducks. Try to get in for a consult with an attorney next week to at least know what your options are. And maybe see your doctor for an std check. That sounds like a physical affair to me. This, a thousand times over. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rachel Posted December 24, 2016 Share Posted December 24, 2016 No advice but I'm very sorry you are dealing with this. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted December 24, 2016 Share Posted December 24, 2016 (hugs) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted December 24, 2016 Share Posted December 24, 2016 Honestly, rather than confront him, I'd quietly start lining up your ducks. Try to get in for a consult with an attorney next week to at least know what your options are. And maybe see your doctor for an std check. That sounds like a physical affair to me. This. Do not confront until you have talked to an attorney and have a plan. You know from those messages what is going on. Don't give him a head start. If he has Facebook, see if you can get his messages. Screenshot everything. Also email. Start making photocopies or scans of all known assets (bank accounts, retirement accounts, property, life insurance, everything) and keep them somewhere else. Review your tax filings carefully. A friend had been signing them blindly and when her DH left her, he also left her with a big tax liability. Also keep records of debts. Get copies (PDFs are fine) of credit card statements. Look for suspicious purchases. Make sure YOU have credit in your own name. Don't open it joint or co-signed. You can use marital income in most cases when applying. Open a checking account in your own name too. You used to be able to open one with something as low as $100. Something simple and free is fine. Online even. If your family gives you money for Christmas, keep it in cash somewhere safe. Don't deposit it in joint accounts. (Assuming it's not a significant chunk of cash cash, then that could be considered hiding assets. I'm talking about a couple hundred bucks of emergency money.) Use incognito Chrome browsers on your computer and phone. Change your passwords to something he wouldn't guess. I'm so sorry. :grouphug: 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corraleno Posted December 24, 2016 Share Posted December 24, 2016 This. I would not confront him until you have a lot more information and a plan. Consult with all the best divorce attorneys in your area (he can't hire them if you have met with them); get to the Dr.; hire a private investigator to find out what is going on with him. Don't confront him now and give him a chance to deny and hide stuff. You need to claim as much information/power in the situation as possible. Prepare for the worst, then if it turns out you are wrong about the affair or that he is really and truly repentant and committed to change and to doing everything in his power to mend the marriage that will be a nice surprise and you can take things from there. :iagree: Please please do this. And I would add finding a therapist or counselor to help you get through the coming months, whatever the outcome is. Whether you file for divorce or manage to work it out and stay together, you will need help working through your feelings and coming to terms with the "new normal." I'm so so sorry you're dealing with this. What a lousy Christmas "present." :crying: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ailaena Posted December 24, 2016 Share Posted December 24, 2016 Honestly, rather than confront him, I'd quietly start lining up your ducks. Try to get in for a consult with an attorney next week to at least know what your options are. And maybe see your doctor for an std check. That sounds like a physical affair to me. Can't agree much more, but to me, based solely on the line "this would be me" it sounds more like he hasn't yet become physically intimate with that person. Not that there weren't others, but, whatever. Do this thing that she said. And stop telling yourself how hard it will be and where will you go and you have no skills because you are resourceful and intelligent and you will all be ok :grouphug: 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gingersmom Posted December 24, 2016 Share Posted December 24, 2016 Check your bank accounts and credit cards for unusual activity. If you don't have individual bank account/credit card get one now. Private investigator? Part time job? Sorry you are having to deal with this. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hypatia. Posted December 24, 2016 Share Posted December 24, 2016 Also, any pics/evidence you have, please email it to yourself (preferably to a new email address, gmail or something) for safekeeping as you get your legal/financial/medical ducks in a row. (((hugs))) 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 24, 2016 Share Posted December 24, 2016 I just want to say I'm so sorry you're having to cope with this now of all times. (((Hugs))). We are here for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted December 24, 2016 Share Posted December 24, 2016 Will he be at work Monday. Do you have any friends who are discreet and can come to your home and help you assemble financial documents. My sister (a CPA) has done this for a close friend. She knew what to look for and she could do it without getting stuck on the emotion. Besides quietly documenting all financial stuff, you need to find an attorney and probably some general counseling/support. You might have something local that is geared to women's needs. You might want to check. Again, like others have said, do not tell him you suspect anything. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MercyA Posted December 24, 2016 Share Posted December 24, 2016 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: and prayers. I am so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted December 24, 2016 Share Posted December 24, 2016 From your update, it sounds like something is going on. I don't want to say anything definite since I know nothing obviously, but from the texts you quoted, there seems to be some kind of exchange happening that is inappropriate. What are your general feelings? If there is something going on, do you want to see if it can be worked out or are you ready to leave? Meeting with attorneys to consult (which I think is often free of charge) would not hurt but still leave the door open for several alternatives. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted December 24, 2016 Share Posted December 24, 2016 My heart absolutely goes out to you, but if you can muster anger and disgust rather than sorrow -- you'll be all the stronger for it. I agree -- AnnE-girl nailed it. Don't get ahead of yourself. One step at a time. Saying, "I have no marketable skills" is getting ahead of yourself. Slow down. One step at time and everything will fall into place. Major hugs. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Alley 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted December 24, 2016 Share Posted December 24, 2016 I've had several friends go through this. In each case, it did come out in the open after the wife suspected it without doing anything. Hiding things like this perfectly is nearly impossible, even with smart phones. He'll be seen with the lady friend, she'll call the house, or he'll get fed up and want to go live with her. Make sure you understand what the family finances are, pick a lawyer, get tested for STD's, make a game plan if you need to get out of there, start gathering evidence, and get counselling. In one case, the man confessed, they got counselling, and are still together. The others ended in divorce. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TCB Posted December 24, 2016 Share Posted December 24, 2016 I guess I'm coming at this thing from another angle but thought I might post my perspective anyway in case it is any use to you. My husband had an affair 21/2 years ago. I suspected something was not right but it took me a month or so to be able to really accept my instincts because it was about the last thing that I ever thought would happen. Eventually I texted him and asked him if he was involved with someone and he then told me. He moved out for 6 months because he would not stop seeing the woman despite initially saying he wanted to stay with me. After 6 months he asked if we could go to counseling and try again. I agreed. I have a personal belief that marriage is for life although I felt that I would be completely justified if I did not wish to remain married after his affair. I did not want to have to go through sharing the children on holidays etc and all those milestones that come up such as college, getting married etc. To cut a long story short - we are still married and he lives at home. It is not easy to get over and I have cried many tears but have found much comfort and peace in my faith in God. I still have difficult times but have not been ready to give up yet and I hope that things will continue to get better and we can make it back to where we were and beyond. I have, however, told him that if he were to ever have an affair again I would file divorce papers the day I found out. I am not at all saying that you should do the same as me, just wanted to share another experience in case it is helpful. Many :grouphug: 's to you. I did consult a lawyer shortly after he left and got some good advice and found that I really did not need to do anything further at that time other than keep a record of how things went with visitation etc. 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted December 24, 2016 Share Posted December 24, 2016 Will he be at work Monday. Do you have any friends who are discreet and can come to your home and help you assemble financial documents. My sister (a CPA) has done this for a close friend. She knew what to look for and she could do it without getting stuck on the emotion. Besides quietly documenting all financial stuff, you need to find an attorney and probably some general counseling/support. You might have something local that is geared to women's needs. You might want to check. Again, like others have said, do not tell him you suspect anything. Getting someone like a CPA is good because not only do they know what they're looking for, they have professional ethics about confidential information. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted December 24, 2016 Share Posted December 24, 2016 check your phone account, if you have a family type plan. You may be able to log onto a site that gives details about calls and texts from each number. And of course be careful with your own calls and texts, as he could do the same type of records check in your number. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Wife Posted December 24, 2016 Share Posted December 24, 2016 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I have to wonder if he's looking to get caught by not doing more to cover his tracks. Using the phone that you know about rather than a secret prepaid one, not deleting the incriminating texts, etc., etc. Either he's really dumb or he wanted you to find out. Definitely go talk to an attorney, make copies of all financial records, etc. but it's possible that this might be a "cry for help" situation where he's conflicted about what he's doing/tempted to do and your finding out provides him a convenient exit. Best of luck to you! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TCB Posted December 24, 2016 Share Posted December 24, 2016 Just wanted to add that I had/have a really good friend who was such a support to me. I hope you have someone who can help and support you too! 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pippen Posted December 24, 2016 Share Posted December 24, 2016 Please take the advice to look quietly into your financial details and see an attorney before any confrontation. Most us here probably know men who did great damage to the family finances while having affairs. (I know someone IRL who drained the life savings he and his very frugal wife had saved-retirement, college savings, emergency fund -it's all gone.) I'm not saying that has happened in your situation or even that this is an affair but there is definitely strong evidence of involvement. I'm very sorry. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
athomeontheprairie Posted December 25, 2016 Author Share Posted December 25, 2016 Thanks everyone. Really, thank you. I met with a friend who is a pastor. He had the same reaction I did to the messages. If it isn't a physical affair, it is an emotional affair and wildly inappropriate. He also said not to confront without a third party present. After Christmas I'll try and meet with a doctor (which I need to see anyway) and an attorney. I don't know what I want. I think after I talk to someone that knows, I'll go to our deacons/pastor (not the one mentioned above.) And ask for their help in restoring our marriage. THEN, with them, confront him. It seems so unreal. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted December 25, 2016 Share Posted December 25, 2016 Your plan sounds good. I would gather as much information as you can in the meantime (keep checking his phone, maybe put a tracker on his car, really do hire a private detective if you can--they deal with this stuff all the time) you don't want to leave him any room to deny or minimize reality. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted December 25, 2016 Share Posted December 25, 2016 And again, I cannot express how sorry I am that you are facing this. I would second the suggestion to get a therapist for yourself--you want all the support you can get to navigate through this. Many hugs. I'll be praying for you and for your family. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redsquirrel Posted December 25, 2016 Share Posted December 25, 2016 I am so, so sorry. One day at a time, mama! And it's good that you trusted your instincts and checked his phone. It's given you time to protect yourself and your kids. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanny Posted December 25, 2016 Share Posted December 25, 2016 The title of your thread is about Smart phones, but your issue is FAR more important than Smart phones. Your issue is about your marriage. I read a few of the replies and you got some excellent advice. Follow that advice and much GL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted December 25, 2016 Share Posted December 25, 2016 Your plan sounds good, and I can tell you do want to restore your marriage. I would still start your own account somewhere and save some $$. My friend and her DH started having issues and I told her to save. She assured me her DH would know, and I suggested her brother keep an account in his name and she could send him $$ via paypal. That worked (to keep it secret) and she trusted her brother more than anyone else in the world. Unfortunately, after about 6 months, things were going better in her marriage, so she stopped contributing to her secret fund. 3 years later, the entire marriage went to pot and she wished she had kept the fund going. I say all this to suggest you do something similar. Something only in your name, and contribute monthly. Down the road, you may need it OR you may not, in which case, it still doesn't hurt to have money squirreled away. She found ways by: 1. Buying groceries differently. He knew they budgeted XX amount for groceries. She cut the bill by $150 or so and he didn't know because she just keep the same amount on the books. 2. Buying things at thrift stores for the kids (clothing, toys) and he thought they were from Target/Walmart/Etc. She sent the different in $$ to her brother. You get the idea. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted December 25, 2016 Share Posted December 25, 2016 If things progress badly, do not move out. Do not get a job. Do not change the kids from homeschooling to school. Those will be used to set the 'new normal' in a divorce proceeding. Some guys will try to get you to do all of those things to improve their financial position if you do divorce. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
poppy Posted December 25, 2016 Share Posted December 25, 2016 I think it is actually typical for cowardly men to leave evidence around, putting the spouse in the difficult position of having to decide whether to bring it up, then in the difficult position of deciding to forgive or not. I would not assume he wants to work it out, though no matter what he feels, he will SAY he wants to work it out. Cowardly men string their wives along as long as possible. I've seen it many times, sad to say. Protect yourself. I'm sorry. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
foxbridgeacademy Posted December 25, 2016 Share Posted December 25, 2016 Honestly, rather than confront him, I'd quietly start lining up your ducks. Try to get in for a consult with an attorney next week to at least know what your options are. And maybe see your doctor for an std check. That sounds like a physical affair to me. :grouphug: I'm so sorry but I agree. A years ago a friend of mine said she felt like her husband was "pulling away" and that he might be having an affair. I suggested she start a new savings account and to put a little at a time in it so that if he left she'd at least have a bit to live off of. She didn't and ended up having a very tough time 8 months later when he left and refused to pay bills or anything else, he needed the money for his new life. My advice is start making plans now. My DH and I are very solid but I always have an exit strategy because you never know what horrible curve life will throw and hiding from will not protect you. Of course I'm not good at keeping my mouth shut and would be proud of myself for just waiting until he got home that day. Good for you for keeping a clear head. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted December 25, 2016 Share Posted December 25, 2016 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Honey girl, I'm so sorry, but ITA with the others: it sounds like an affair, and you should get your act together. It could happen that things will work out, but I'm afraid that in most cases it does not. :crying: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
athomeontheprairie Posted December 26, 2016 Author Share Posted December 26, 2016 Everyone, thank you. I'm so very thankful for all the advice, thoughts, prayers, and virtual hugs. Waiting is hard. He teaches and will be home all week. I'm trying to stay positive. I am glad that I have one more happy Christmas with his family. I really love them. Maybe there will be more, but if not I want to enjoy this on one. Lanny, I named my post before I knew what I was going to say. Its not what I thought it would be. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.