WWYD? Re: family obligations

[3 ladybugs]

Tonight I got a private message on FB from my step mother asking to donate to my sister (message directs me to Go Fund Me page). She is a minor (so little chance of working since she is in school), and she is doing something that I think is a bit of scam. It isn't illegal or anything, I just think that what she is doing isn't going to give her the results that she wants. KWIM? 

 

Having said that, my father has donated to my son's baseball league in recent years. No clue if he thought the same about that. It is the wrong time of the month for us to think about donations (that is normally at the end of the month for us) and she would need this money before the next pay cycle (or before the end of the month). 

 

So what should I do? Do I donate as a jester of "I scratch your back, you scratch mine"? Do I refuse? My step mother and I are on speaking terms but honestly I don't talk to her often. We live on the other side of the country and I normally just call our father. Talk to him a couple of times a week. He didn't mention this to me at all, other then the trip that he will be going on with her (for which she needs the money). I have never told him my reservations about what she is doing because I didn't think it was my place. It has just been easier to go along with it and say that everything will work out. KWIM?

 

 

[catz]

Meh - if you're directed to a Go Fund me page I think it's your prerogative if you want to ignore it.  If they ask you can just say it didn't work for your budget right now but good luck. 

 

ETA - I hate GoFund me's that are funding someone's travel or something fun, though it's hard to say what this about.  I only donate for things like emergency medical, house fires, funeral expenses, and things along those lines.  And then only if I know someone personally or we have some sort of connection (we have donated to friends of friends that have had dire emergency expenses. 

Edited November 4, 2016 by WoolySocks

[3 ladybugs]

This isn't an emergency by ANY means. This is more of an extracurricular activity. And honestly if I was going to donate, I would just go directly to our father as I don't see why Go Fund Me should get a cut. 

[hornblower]

I think a grandfather donating to a grandson's baseball team is different. 

You're an adult sister with your own young family & financial pressures. I'd ignore this unless you strongly want your sister to have this opportunity. 

[RioSamba]

I would just give a token amount for the sake of maintaining a cordial relationship with step-mother.

[3 ladybugs]

My sister is 15 (I just turned 40... dad has a HUGE heart and adopted well after I left home). My sister needs money to go to a talent show (for lack of a better term). It is through a talent school (yeah that sounds crazy when I type it out) and they have spent thousands getting her to this point. To me this is different then even when my younger sister (She is 13) was working to become a figure skater. That we were about to donate to (no go fund me there, just to help out) when she decided she wanted to stop (she was winning competitions and such). My 15 year old sister has stars in her eyes and wants to be an actor. When my father first told me that she was going to do this competition/audition I looked it up and several people said it was a scam online. I know that donating to one (or even wanting to) and not the other sounds crazy... maybe it is. 

 

PLEASE don't quote this. I may erase it later. 

 

 

[Hammfried]

We were in a sort of similar situation with SIL (DH's sister) and nephew. Nephew made it to a competition and he needed money to pay for the travel expenses. They set up their GFM page and all. We were solicited to donate for SIL's travel expenses too. But they were not really in dire straits financially, particularly when her husband would buy large TVs and sports cars on a whim. So it felt like we would just be paying for her plane tickets when she could already afford it, not really donating for a good cause. We did not donate even though I'm sure DH would have donated if I were not there to say no.

 

We did donate to DH's cousin's family soon after though. They are not as financially well off and we knew that the money was going into actually feeding and housing impoverished people in Guatemala. Maybe we are judgmental about where our donation money goes but it's not like we can just fork out money whenever someone asks.

 

Could you sleep on it and if it still bothers you to donate then skip it this time around?

[Anne]

If it were me, I would probably donate a token amount ($10-25) just for the sake of family peace, and then call it good.

 

Anne

[bolt.]

You should thank your MIL for letting you know, and end it with a happy face.

 

Then you should do whatever you want about funding. (They can't track exact donors can they?)

 

Personally, I think it's fine to give a token amount I'm support of a loved one's hobby -- even if their hobby is being taken advantage of by unscrupulous talent agents. A hobby is a hobby: fun is subjective.

 

But your response depends totally on your perspective on hobbies, families, and funds. It also depends on whether you have the money to spare, and whether you want to do this with any of it.

 

Maybe consider it her Christmas gift?

[marbel]

<snip>

 

Maybe we are judgmental about where our donation money goes but it's not like we can just fork out money whenever someone asks.

 

<snip>

 

 

There is nothing wrong with being judgmental about where you donate money.

 

That goes for you too, OP!  If you don't want to give the money, just say it's not something you can do right now.

[catz]

Umm ... no way would I donate for that.  I'm too busy paying for my own kids theater class and voice lessons.  I can't imagine asking for money for that.  :blink:

[gardenmom5]

I would be frank. I'd say "I'm uncomfortable with this becasue ___".

make it clear it isn't the money - it's what it's going for.

 

 

 

 

eta: and a parent donating to a grandchild's thing is one thing - expecting a sibling with their own minor children to donate for another sibling's kids things is different.

I was pretty ticked when my brother sent out a general e-mail to everyone so his daughter could do some expensive summer camp.  hello?   I have my own kids thanks. (he wants to live a lifestyle above his income.)  I ignored him.

 

Edited November 4, 2016 by gardenmom5

[Janeway]

Ignore the message. Then, if she brings it up, tell her you cannot spare anything right now.

[Ali in OR]

You have your own family to raise and support and your own children's activities to fund. I would be okay with ignoring it if you don't wish to be funding this or if it makes finances difficult. It's a hard time of year to come up with extra money--unless you want to send her money as an early Christmas gift (what you would normally give her), and let her choose to use the money to pay for her activity. 

[J-rap]

It depends on how involved you want to get, discussing it with them.  I wouldn't want to donate to that either!  It does sound like a scam.  But, in the end, I might not have the energy to explain my views on it to them, so to keep the peace might just give $20 or something.

 

 

[lmrich]

Maybe send her an encouraging card and a gift card for lunch while she is traveling. 

[eternalsummer]

I would follow Botl's advice: thanks for the info.  (then not donate)

 

DH would probably be more direct, as he is a more direct person.

 

 either way is fine, imo.  do what is comfortable for you

 

for the love of the lord, don't feel pressured into monetarily supporting something you think is a scam.  then you are just perpetuating the problem for your niece and other kids

[3 ladybugs]

Maybe send her an encouraging card and a gift card for lunch while she is traveling. 

I like this idea. She is a vegetarian (my other sister is vegan). Does anyone know of any vegetarian chain restaurants on the west coast? I think they are driving from their home near Portland to LA. 

[school17777]

What about offering to give her money for her Xmas present early? So, if you would spend $25 on her Xmas present, offer the money to her now so she can use it towards that, but tell her that is an early Xmas present.

 

I agree with the others that a grandfather giving money towards his grandson's activites doesn't mean that a sibling is expected to contribute to their siblings activities.

[SKL]

If it's a fun activity for her or will make her happy, then I would donate as a gift (assuming I could afford it), even if I didn't think the end result would be profitable.  As long as I didn't think it would be seriously damaging.  And if I thought it was dangerous for my sister, I would probably tip someone off rather than just ignore it.

[ikslo]

I would offer to help her pay for professional head shots or something that would be more useful if her goal is to be an actor.

[magnificent_baby]

I was going to say yes donate, until you mentioned that it may be a scam. I would do a bit more research on that and if you truly find evidence of it, I would gently let them know what you have found. I think they deserve to know if it truly is. Perhaps brainstorming other routes for her to explore would be helpful too so you don't knock the wind out of her sails. Perhaps a present/gift card related to her chosen talent would help you feel better too about not giving towards a scam. 

[JFSinIL]

Well, why hasn't your sister asked you for support herself?  She is old enough.  That said, I lean towards giving a token amount just because you did accept help from the family for your son's baseball team. 

[3 ladybugs]

My father bought raffle tickets for my son's little league. They were $5 tickets for the chance to win $1000. Each player of the league is expected to sell 10, my son has 3 grandparents that donate so he has sold 12 the last 3 years (each grandparent bought $20 worth). That is all my father has donated to him.

 

I honestly don't get my sisters christmas gifts anymore. I don't know them really (7.5 years since I was last out there, they came out here 2 years ago), so I never know what to get them and sending cash isn't really my style. I did get them gifts when they were younger but younger children (for me anyway) are easier to purchase for.

 

I am always happy to talk to my sisters but rarely do I. I figured they would want to know their nephews but I guess not. I tend to be more family oriented then most of the family though in general. I have 2 step brothers that I try to see when I am in town (they live in Florida) and sometimes I see them, sometimes I don't. I think some people are just more family oriented then others. 

[vonfirmath]

If you want to support your sister, I'd send her a check so the "GoFundMe" percentage does not come out of it.

 

You might talk to your sister about this and see what it means to her

 

You might want to donate to preserve the relationship if you don't think the activity will actively harm her.

 

 

[Valley Girl]

 

 

 

I am always happy to talk to my sisters but rarely do I. I figured they would want to know their nephews but I guess not. I tend to be more family oriented then most of the family though in general. I have 2 step brothers that I try to see when I am in town (they live in Florida) and sometimes I see them, sometimes I don't. I think some people are just more family oriented then others. 

 

3 ladybugs, you seem disappointed that your sisters don't seem to want to know your kids. (Who wouldn't?) I don't know what's been said and done or not said or done (obviously), but I think when you're talking such a large age difference and the fact that your sisters are still kids themselves, maybe your expectations of them might be a little unrealistic? Kids can be pretty self-absorbed. Also, when they're younger, they don't control their own schedules, transportation, etc. If you haven't already done it, maybe you might need to take the lead and initiative in cultivating that relationship for a coupe of years until they're older and more independent. Now maybe you've already done that to no avail, and I'm completely off base. It just seems to me that when we're talking talking about teens who must have been quite young themselves when your kids were born, there may be other factors at work besides their not wanting a relationship. I only bring this up because you sounded a bit sad about it to me.

[Plink]

I like this idea. She is a vegetarian (my other sister is vegan). Does anyone know of any vegetarian chain restaurants on the west coast? I think they are driving from their home near Portland to LA. 

 

Fresh Choice might be a good pick for the west coast.  ETA: oops I guess they are closed now. Boo.  They had great salads.

 

Any national sandwich or italian chain should have food that she can eat.  

Edited November 4, 2016 by Plink

[Hammfried]

You can also try Veggie Grill for vegetarian restaurants in LA.

[sassenach]

LA is huge, so be careful to check where she is actually staying and what is nearby if you go the GC route.

 

If you can afford it, I would just send her $20 and be done with it. If they squander it, so be it.

[Carol in Cal.]

Erik's Deli/Cafe is a local minichain of awesome OTT sandwiches in the Silicon Valley area.

They have an extensive menu that includes some really outstanding vegetarian options.  I'm not vegetarian, but what I always order there is--it's called a Natural High, and it's lots of cheese (several kinds), tomatoes, sprouts, sunflower seeds, avocado, and 'secret goo' (mayo/mustard combo).  OMGosh, it is so good.  

 

If they are going to drive through this area, they will get a kick out of the menu and the decor, which is rustic with old barn wood and wrought iron stuff before it was trendy.  

 

http://www.eriksdelicafe.com/

[3 ladybugs]

3 ladybugs, you seem disappointed that your sisters don't seem to want to know your kids. (Who wouldn't?) I don't know what's been said and done or not said or done (obviously), but I think when you're talking such a large age difference and the fact that your sisters are still kids themselves, maybe your expectations of them might be a little unrealistic? Kids can be pretty self-absorbed. Also, when they're younger, they don't control their own schedules, transportation, etc. If you haven't already done it, maybe you might need to take the lead and initiative in cultivating that relationship for a coupe of years until they're older and more independent. Now maybe you've already done that to no avail, and I'm completely off base. It just seems to me that when we're talking talking about teens who must have been quite young themselves when your kids were born, there may be other factors at work besides their not wanting a relationship. I only bring this up because you sounded a bit sad about it to me.

Honestly this is a completely other post. I have issues that do and do not involve them with this issue. They were adopted after I was living on the east coast for a number of years (7 and 11 years respectively) so I guess it is normal to barely know them. I agree that they are children and there is little they can do to facilitate a relationship. The older one remembers my babies (lost) and that I am at least grateful for. She never met them but remembers when they were around. The younger one was adopted a year after they died. 

 

We will see what life brings. Maybe one of them will follow their big sister out to the east coast. 

[Anne]

After reading the rest of the posts, if it were me, I would send my sister a nice card wishing her good luck and enclosing a $10 or $20 bill with the card.

 

My goal in doing this would be to reach out to my sister and lay a foundation for a relationship in the future.

 

I would just leave alone the whole question of whether or not this is a scam, and just have my focus on the relationship.

 

Anne

[AnniePoo]

To stepmom:

 

"Thanks for letting me know.  How fun!"

 

Then "forget" to give a donation and move on with life.

[SebastianCat]

After reading the rest of the posts, if it were me, I would send my sister a nice card wishing her good luck and enclosing a $10 or $20 bill with the card.

 

My goal in doing this would be to reach out to my sister and lay a foundation for a relationship in the future.

 

I would just leave alone the whole question of whether or not this is a scam, and just have my focus on the relationship.

 

Anne

This was going to be my suggestion as well.   Focus on the relationship, even if it's a token amount, without giving to something you feel might be a scam.   

[foxbridgeacademy]

I'd explain my budget constraints and mention that if given enough notice I could help out next time.

 

I also like the idea of a  card with a nominal amount in it.

[Janeway]

After reading the rest of the posts, if it were me, I would send my sister a nice card wishing her good luck and enclosing a $10 or $20 bill with the card.

 

My goal in doing this would be to reach out to my sister and lay a foundation for a relationship in the future.

 

I would just leave alone the whole question of whether or not this is a scam, and just have my focus on the relationship.

 

Anne

 

I wouldn't do this. I had a family member who often wanted money and seemed to grateful for it when asking. But, a foundation built on giving money is not a good foundation. If anything, you will become the go-to person for money. 

[Anne in CA]

Okay, the OP's father bought raffle tickets. A few. I'd put a token amount in the Go Fund Me account and call it good. It's probably a scam, but the girl doesn't know that. I'd make a token effort because the OP's dad made a token effort. That's all.