Health class, intrusive questions and privacy

[Innisfree]

Mostly a vent, I guess, but glad to hear any ideas...

 

Dd, age 14, is a 9th grader in her first public school since we pulled her out years ago. Most things are going pretty well, but she's already fed up with her health teacher.

 

They've been talking about stress and grief, and the guy wants the kids to give personal information in class discussions and on written assignments.

 

Now, dd has experienced about as much stress as any kid who is not in an abusive situation. She has a younger sister with autism whose behavior has sometimes been over-the-top in a whole host of ways. She has watched her grandmother's decline through dementia, hospice and death, and a similar progression minus the dementia for her grandfather. The kid knows stress and grief. We have utilized counseling.

 

This teacher is asking for personal examples of stress experienced, a "loss line" of grief experiences, and examples of how kids have responded to grief. Dd doesn't care to discuss any of it, but there is a participation grade, and written assignments exploring personal situations.

 

She's entirely new in this environment; most of the kids were in middle school together, but she has no friends there, though there are neighborhood kids she had bad experiences with in elementary school. Even if she were among people she considered friends, a lot of this information is just private. She has neighbors in her class who have younger siblings. If she shared information about her sister's autism, that knowledge would very quickly be public among younger dd's friends. But the teacher's questions are constantly putting her in the position of awkwardly withholding this information.

 

And talking about grief is just very personal, and lots of people prefer not to discuss it.

 

So why the heck don't teachers understand that lots of their students may have issues like these? Why can't they say, " these are some ways people may respond to stress or grief. *Think* about which ways you have responded, and if it's a concern, here's what you can do." Why on earth do they demand kids share this stuff?

 

I know she or I could contact the teacher and ask him to back off. I've offered, she doesn't want me to because she's seen him make some ham handed responses and she's afraid he'd end up calling more attention to her. Without talking to him, there's not much that can be done. So, mostly just a vent here.

 

But, seriously: what are teachers like this thinking? I guess I'd appreciate hearing the other side. I'm all for connecting kids with appropriate help, just not putting pressure on kids to share private information.

[maize]

I would give her permission to make something up--tell about the grief of losing a pet she never really had.

 

Because the assignments are intrusive and an invasion of privacy.

 

 

I might first talk to the teacher and find out if they were open to respecting kids' privacy and providing the option of an alternate assignment though.

[zoobie]

I agree--fictional pet loss. Completely inappropriate for the setting! Privacy, ethics, ugh.

[BigMamaBird]

I would discuss how intrusive, personal questions in a high school health class are causing her undue stress.  The coping mechanisms she's employing are realizing that some people don't understand the concept of personal boundaries and the use of passive aggressive forms of the creative process can sometimes help deal with these dingbats.

[maize]

It's kind of like how I tell my kids not to give out real personal information on the internet--the fact that someone asks for it doesn't mean they have a right to it. Protect yourself and your own boundaries.

Edited September 16, 2016 by maize

[Spryte]

I'm sorry. That sounds very painful.

 

I don't think the teacher is being deliberately intrusive or insensitive, I think (hope) he's trying to connect with kids and give them real solutions and answers through real experiences. That's kind of cool. But - too painful in some cases.

 

Can you encourage your DD to talk to him privately? Or allow you to discuss it with him? It might help other kids if he made a general announcement that participation doesn't have to include real personal facts, but a person's imagined facts as well. Participation could be sharing a character in a book's response to grief, and using that to discuss.

 

If she refuses, I think I'd encourage her to participate on that sort of level. She can be sincere and reflective, and not share her personal pain.

 

On a personal note, I had a similar experience in health class, discussing depression. I had lived through a lot, and it was excruciating to be made to talk about it. My mother, unbeknownst to me, called the guidance counselor. The guidance counselor didn't stop at telling the health teacher though, she told all of my teachers! Oh my goodness, I could have died. I was very angry with my mother - it felt that she'd gone behind my back. I only found out when another teacher told me that he was concerned, and was forthright about the phone call. So, I think you are making a good choice not to call unless your DD gives you the go ahead.

[sbgrace]

Given she doesn't want you to talk to the teacher, which would be the best options, I would advise her to simplify her life and complete the assignments minus anything she finds too personal to share.

 

Starting high school after being out of public school for years is a stress, for example.

Not all high school kids will have major losses to grieve. Does she have losses in competitions, loss of a friend who moved, or similar experiences to pick for grief?

Edited September 16, 2016 by sbgrace

[J-rap]

That would bother me too.  I don't like to share tough stuff with people I don't know, either!  I wish your daughter would let you talk to the teacher, because even though I understand what he's trying to do, he needs to understand that he shouldn't be pushing someone to do that.  

 

Maybe she can make up a pet who died? 

[maize]

I see lots of problems here, enough that I might talk to the principal about having the teacher change how they run the class. These are the kinds of things that would be best discussed with a therapist, someone with the professional training to help a person process them AND professional and legal standards to protect that personal information.

 

The same level of protection does not exist within a classroom.

 

Discussing some imaginary or published case studies in class could be a good alternative, along with encouragement for kids to talk to a counselor if/when they find themselves experiencing stress or grief.

Edited September 16, 2016 by maize

[Anne in CA]

When I think of some of my dd's public school friends and the things they've been through I would be very upset over this myself. One of my dd's friends had a mother who kicked her daughter out of the house and onto the street for being a lesbian. There's grief. Who would want to write about that??? Or her friend whose parents got so into meth that they wouldn't buy food for long stretches of time and now she has health problems that will probably be lifelong due to it and she lives with her parents... there's grief. I just don't see how any teacher could be so dim as to assume that teens of this age are equipped to share these problems. Grrr.

[DawnM]

The illness and stress of a grandparent is a pretty universal concept. Most people deal with it at one time or another. Does she really feel that concerned about sharing that story? I would think others could relate and not think that was all that personal.

[maize]

The illness and stress of a grandparent is a pretty universal concept. Most people deal with it at one time or another. Does she really feel that concerned about sharing that story? I would think others could relate and not think that was all that personal.

It's the kind of thing that should be shared if/when/with whom she wants to share it. Not under grade pressure with a class full of strangers.

[Dmmetler]

Can you opt out? There was a "death and dying" unit in high school health when I was in school, and my parents just opted me out of it (citing religious reasons, but really, it was that I was a bullied kid who had just lost a close family member-and the last thing I wanted to do was to give my bullies more ammunition. The only way I felt I could be safe was to not let anything too personal be widely known.)  I did a boring worksheet from a chapter in the health book that wasn't normally covered daily and spent the rest of the period in the library.

 

 

[Valley Girl]

I see lots of problems here, enough that I might talk to the principal about having the teacher change how they run the class. These are the kinds of things that would be best discussed with a therapist, someone with the professional training to help a person process them AND professional and legal standards to protect that personal information.

 

The same level of protection does not exist within a classroom.

 

Discussing some imaginary or published case studies in class could be a good alternative, along with encouragement for kids to talk to a counselor if/when they find themselves experiencing stress or grief.

 

This is excellent advice.

 

Intrusive, boundary-pushing questions in an group situation in which a child (or anyone else) is a captive audience are way out of line. (That includes corporate "team building" activities.) Sharing should be voluntary. Seriously, this kind of thing is unacceptable. I don't care what kind of environment the teacher is trying to create. It's inappropriate. The situations the teacher is asking for can be deeply private, deeply painful things. Does anyone in their right mind think they will actually stay private? Being picked on for a made-up example isn't much better. It is never too early for people to learn how to calmly tell other people that certain things are none of their &^%# business.

Edited September 16, 2016 by Reluctant Homeschooler

[Innisfree]

Thanks, everyone. I appreciate knowing I'm not the only one who feels this is really inappropriate.

 

All dd wants right now is to find her way around in this school without attracting attention until she feels a bit more comfortable. Since she's the one in the classroom and she doesn't believe this teacher would handle my intervention well, I am going to respect her wishes. I will suggest she makes up imaginary, low-key situations as needed; that's a really good idea.

 

Once she's done with this class she may not ever need to deal with this teacher again. She'll only have one more semester of gym in her four years there. I may speak to him and/or the principal about the class at that point if she agrees.

[Pawz4me]

I'd just make something up and not think about it overmuch. To my way of thinking it's really no different than some questions on college applications -- "Tell us about a time you dealt with loss/adversity/struggled with something and how it made you a stronger person" or similar prompts. I get that no one is a captive audience for a college application since no one is forced to apply to any specific college. But I think learning how to handle questions like that in any setting isn't a bad skill to have. And I realize this response could  be interpreted to mean I'm advocating lying. But in these types of situations I prefer to think of it as learning good storytelling skills. ;)

Edited September 16, 2016 by Pawz4me

[Murphy101]

I wouldn't advocate lying for my child. This (the class assignments) is all kinds of messed up wrong and I'd take it up with TPTB.

 

If I didn't feel it was a safe environment for me to take it up with TPTB, which is a whole other additional problem IMO, I'd give my kid permission to get a zero grade on those assignments. Presuming all other grades are fine, they could probably take the hit without major consequences.

Edited September 16, 2016 by Murphy101

[happypamama]

I would discuss how intrusive, personal questions in a high school health class are causing her undue stress. The coping mechanisms she's employing are realizing that some people don't understand the concept of personal boundaries and the use of passive aggressive forms of the creative process can sometimes help deal with these dingbats.

I love that response!

[Innisfree]

I love that response!

Me too!

[Valley Girl]

Thanks, everyone. I appreciate knowing I'm not the only one who feels this is really inappropriate.

 

All dd wants right now is to find her way around in this school without attracting attention until she feels a bit more comfortable. Since she's the one in the classroom and she doesn't believe this teacher would handle my intervention well, I am going to respect her wishes. I will suggest she makes up imaginary, low-key situations as needed; that's a really good idea.

 

Once she's done with this class she may not ever need to deal with this teacher again. She'll only have one more semester of gym in her four years there. I may speak to him and/or the principal about the class at that point if she agrees.

 

Your DD comes first, of course. I totally get not wanting to create a tough situation for her.

 

But please seriously consider talking to the principal later. Or send an anonymous "heads up" at least. There may be other kids in the class--some of whom may have seriously traumatic things in their history--who are feeling pressured to share unwillingly. Somebody needs to bring this situation to the attention of those in charge. The teacher may honestly mean well, but this approach is seriously misguided.

[TranquilMind]

Mostly a vent, I guess, but glad to hear any ideas...

 

Dd, age 14, is a 9th grader in her first public school since we pulled her out years ago. Most things are going pretty well, but she's already fed up with her health teacher.

 

They've been talking about stress and grief, and the guy wants the kids to give personal information in class discussions and on written assignments.

 

Now, dd has experienced about as much stress as any kid who is not in an abusive situation. She has a younger sister with autism whose behavior has sometimes been over-the-top in a whole host of ways. She has watched her grandmother's decline through dementia, hospice and death, and a similar progression minus the dementia for her grandfather. The kid knows stress and grief. We have utilized counseling.

 

This teacher is asking for personal examples of stress experienced, a "loss line" of grief experiences, and examples of how kids have responded to grief. Dd doesn't care to discuss any of it, but there is a participation grade, and written assignments exploring personal situations.

 

She's entirely new in this environment; most of the kids were in middle school together, but she has no friends there, though there are neighborhood kids she had bad experiences with in elementary school. Even if she were among people she considered friends, a lot of this information is just private. She has neighbors in her class who have younger siblings. If she shared information about her sister's autism, that knowledge would very quickly be public among younger dd's friends. But the teacher's questions are constantly putting her in the position of awkwardly withholding this information.

 

And talking about grief is just very personal, and lots of people prefer not to discuss it.

 

So why the heck don't teachers understand that lots of their students may have issues like these? Why can't they say, " these are some ways people may respond to stress or grief. *Think* about which ways you have responded, and if it's a concern, here's what you can do." Why on earth do they demand kids share this stuff?

 

I know she or I could contact the teacher and ask him to back off. I've offered, she doesn't want me to because she's seen him make some ham handed responses and she's afraid he'd end up calling more attention to her. Without talking to him, there's not much that can be done. So, mostly just a vent here.

 

But, seriously: what are teachers like this thinking? I guess I'd appreciate hearing the other side. I'm all for connecting kids with appropriate help, just not putting pressure on kids to share private information.

My kids would not willingly answer those questions.  They have been trained in privacy retention (such as it is) from an early age.

 

I would be really ticked at the invasiveness of this assignment and would be discussing the traumatic effect of such an intrusion with the administration.

 

Like another poster said, if forced, just go with the easily verified widespread experience, like loss of a grandparent.  

 

That teacher is going to get a big traumatic surprise one day, and it will upset everyone.  Stupid assignment. 

 

 

Edited September 16, 2016 by TranquilMind

[FaithManor]

I had a health teacher one time do a week of "record everything you eat must be healthy choices" for grade journaling assignment. She was a ditz brain who could not understand that not everyone came from monied families who could afford seafood, three kinds of veggies, and four kinds of fruits for every person, every meal, every day. At the time, my brother was hoslitalized from a dirt bike accident so I was eating pop tarts on the way out of the house, eating no lunch because mom was living at the hospital and the food in the house was nearly gone, and fast food every night when dad picked me up to go to the hospital. Since she made it clear a bad diet equalled a bad grade, I lied my ever loving head off in that journal for a week. Whole grain toast, boiled egg, and orange for breakfast. Chef salad and apple for lunch. Salmon or chicken breast with broccoli or green beans, baked potato, whole grain roll, and water for supper. No mention of McDonalds.

 

Amazingky, I got an A!! :D

 

So I vote for making it up and telling the insensitive instructor what he or she wants to hear.

[TranquilMind]

I had a health teacher one time do a week of "record everything you eat must be healthy choices" for grade journaling assignment. She was a ditz brain who could not understand that not everyone came from monied families who could afford seafood, three kinds of veggies, and four kinds of fruits for every person, every meal, every day. At the time, my brother was hoslitalized from a dirt bike accident so I was eating pop tarts on the way out of the house, eating no lunch because mom was living at the hospital and the food in the house was nearly gone, and fast food every night when dad picked me up to go to the hospital. Since she made it clear a bad diet equalled a bad grade, I lied my ever loving head off in that journal for a week. Whole grain toast, boiled egg, and orange for breakfast. Chef salad and apple for lunch. Salmon or chicken breast with broccoli or green beans, baked potato, whole grain roll, and water for supper. No mention of McDonalds.

 

Amazingky, I got an A!! :D

 

So I vote for making it up and telling the insensitive instructor what he or she wants to hear.

I'm not in favor of lying but I sure totally understand your response here.

My parents spent much time at the hospital with an ill sibling.  I can assure you my diet was not stellar. 

 

But teachers weren't asking about such silly stuff in those days.   They told you to eat right, gave you the information they had at the time (which of course has changed now!) and moved on.

[maize]

I had a health teacher one time do a week of "record everything you eat must be healthy choices" for grade journaling assignment. She was a ditz brain who could not understand that not everyone came from monied families who could afford seafood, three kinds of veggies, and four kinds of fruits for every person, every meal, every day. At the time, my brother was hoslitalized from a dirt bike accident so I was eating pop tarts on the way out of the house, eating no lunch because mom was living at the hospital and the food in the house was nearly gone, and fast food every night when dad picked me up to go to the hospital. Since she made it clear a bad diet equalled a bad grade, I lied my ever loving head off in that journal for a week. Whole grain toast, boiled egg, and orange for breakfast. Chef salad and apple for lunch. Salmon or chicken breast with broccoli or green beans, baked potato, whole grain roll, and water for supper. No mention of McDonalds.

 

Amazingky, I got an A!! :D

 

So I vote for making it up and telling the insensitive instructor what he or she wants to hear.

Yeah, making grades dependant on stuff not under the student's control (and how many teens really have control over what food is available?) is preposterous.

[Dmmetler]

What about suggesting an alternative to the teacher "I'm not comfortable writing about my own experiences at this point in time, but I'll happily write about a fictional character", or something similar. In my psych classes where we had to practice doing case studies, that's what we were told to do-pick fictional characters and write them up. And using literature in analogy to help understand and cope with your personal traumas has a long history.

 

Or just do the paper on Harry Potter and see if the teacher notices :)

[Innisfree]

Your DD comes first, of course. I totally get not wanting to create a tough situation for her.

 

But please seriously consider talking to the principal later. Or send an anonymous "heads up" at least. There may be other kids in the class--some of whom may have seriously traumatic things in their history--who are feeling pressured to share unwillingly. Somebody needs to bring this situation to the attention of those in charge. The teacher may honestly mean well, but this approach is seriously misguided.

 

Yes, you know, usually I'm really not pleased by anonymous notes. But this might be one situation in which I might consider that route.

 

You are correct that other kids might have much more serious issues than my dd does, and his questioning is not limited to one assignment. It seems to be his basic methodology. He is young, and new at this school. He may need some mentoring from the principal or someone.

[fairfarmhand]

I don't think the teacher is just insensitive, probably just oblivious.

 

I do know MANY people who's family culture is to talk talk talk about awful, painful experiences and trot them out for the world to see. This is part of their processing.

 

Me, I am NOT like that. I'll discuss them with a person or two who is close to me, but if my grade were riding on it, I'd rather fail.

 

I'd wager that your teacher is the former, and has no clue WHY other people don't understand his viewpoint; some people like this think it's unhealthy to not yak on and on about hurtful experiences and think someone is in denial or coping unhealthily by stuffing their feelings.

 

 

This teacher needs to know that everyone is different. But I am not sure of the best way to explain it to him without outing your daughter. Let your dd make up imaginary losses and write things like that.

 

But maybe at the end of the year, this guy needs a reality check.

[FaithManor]

Yes, you know, usually I'm really not pleased by anonymous notes. But this might be one situation in which I might consider that route.

 

You are correct that other kids might have much more serious issues than my dd does, and his questioning is not limited to one assignment. It seems to be his basic methodology. He is young, and new at this school. He may need some mentoring from the principal or someone.

As a young, new teacher he may be very idealistic and believes he is working in an environment in which he can truly making a difference in his students' lives in these matters. Likely his heart is in the right place.

 

But without much teaching experience or life experience especially if pretty much fresh out of college and green behind the ears as the saying goes, he may not realize the level of insensitivity he is displaying and the appropriateness of what he is requiring. So a more experienced educator needs to get his ear.

[lllll]

nm

Edited November 5, 2016 by cathey

[FaithManor]

I agree with poster above that it can also be a training exercise in dealing with nosy nellies. The only difference is that in the work place and adult is not required to converse on private matters if he or she does not want to and HR can step in if co workers and bosses get pushy. A minor in school is at the mercy of the teacher. So whike I agree with coaching the daughter and making it a learning experience, I believe this will require parental intervention.

[DawnM]

It's the kind of thing that should be shared if/when/with whom she wants to share it. Not under grade pressure with a class full of strangers.

 

Eh, I guess I don't see it as that big of a deal. 

[maize]

Eh, I guess I don't see it as that big of a deal.

Apparently the teacher doesn't either. Which is fine for you and fine for him, but not fine for a student to whom it would be a big deal. The teacher needs to learn that yes for some kids being asked to share extremely personal experiences and emotions is traumatic and inappropriate.

 

That it would not be traumatic for you personally is irrelevant.

[Valley Girl]

Apparently the teacher doesn't either. Which is fine for you and fine for him, but not fine for a student to whom it would be a big deal. The teacher needs to learn that yes for some kids being asked to share extremely personal experiences and emotions is traumatic and inappropriate.

 

That it would not be traumatic for you personally is irrelevant.

 

Just imagine being the kid everybody laughs at or picks on. ANYTHING you say can and will be used against you.

[Valley Girl]

I agree with poster above that it can also be a training exercise in dealing with nosy nellies. The only difference is that in the work place and adult is not required to converse on private matters if he or she does not want to and HR can step in if co workers and bosses get pushy. A minor in school is at the mercy of the teacher. So whike I agree with coaching the daughter and making it a learning experience, I believe this will require parental intervention.

 

I agree that in the general workplace people aren't required to share confidences. I'm thinking of those awful departmental "team-building" programs where failure to participate can reflect negatively on employees. Raising issues about activities that crossed personal privacy boundaries was NOT viewed favorably. Of course, my experience with that sort of thing was nearly two decades ago. I hope it's different now.

[DawnM]

I get that many of you disagree with me, that is fine. 

 

But honestly, you have to do one of two things.....fight it or do the work requested.

 

Which is more important to you?

 

 

Edited September 16, 2016 by DawnM

[lllll]

nm 

 

Edited November 5, 2016 by cathey

[FaithManor]

I agree that in the general workplace people aren't required to share confidences. I'm thinking of those awful departmental "team-building" programs where failure to participate can reflect negatively on employees. Raising issues about activities that crossed personal privacy boundaries was NOT viewed favorably. Of course, my experience with that sort of thing was nearly two decades ago. I hope it's different now.

Dh's company has gone the other way. They don't encourage fraternization just work work work. Son in law the same. He knows virtually nothing about his coworkers and share nothing personal at work. Some of them did not even know he was a new father until grandbaby was a month old and they witnessed the team manager giving a baby gift.

 

Very private. But that could be because they both work in jobs requiring a fairly high level of security clearance so commaraderie may be discouraged by upper management.

[DawnM]

Dh's company has gone the other way. They don't encourage fraternization just work work work. Son in law the same. He knows virtually nothing about his coworkers and share nothing personal at work. Some of them did not even know he was a new father until grandbaby was a month old and they witnessed the team manager giving a baby gift.

 

Very private. But that could be because they both work in jobs requiring a fairly high level of security clearance so commaraderie may be discouraged by upper management.

 

Wow.  My husband's work requires quite a bit of privacy but they go out for lunches, celebrations, etc....all the time.

 

I can't imagine working somewhere where I didn't connect with people on some level.

[MotherGoose]

I agree with poster above that it can also be a training exercise in dealing with nosy nellies. The only difference is that in the work place and adult is not required to converse on private matters if he or she does not want to and HR can step in if co workers and bosses get pushy. A minor in school is at the mercy of the teacher. So whike I agree with coaching the daughter and making it a learning experience, I believe this will require parental intervention.

I agree, but also in this case the child doesn't want the parent to help, in the same way that an adult might not want to go to HR for every situation, even if you could or should. Perhaps this is helping the child brush off an assignment in the same way you might brush off an inappropriate comment or coworker without having to go as far as HR. I'm NOT minimizing abusive situations at work in any way. Or this situation in the classroom. Maybe helping the child in this situation without parental intervention will help her field that co worker who just won't leave you alone before it gets to the point of HR. I'm for making something up, or even using the death of a grandparent, which is surely a common circumstance, but providing minimal detail.

[FaithManor]

Wow. My husband's work requires quite a bit of privacy but they go out for lunches, celebrations, etc....all the time.

 

I can't imagine working somewhere where I didn't connect with people on some level.

Go out for lunch??? Have a celebration??? What's that?

 

Working in IT with people from all over the US and internationally, time zones are an issue so no one has the same lunch period so no one goes to lunch. Dh and his colleagues don't eat during the day because of it.

 

Son in law's day is carefully controlled for security reasons. He eats alone at his desk. Human contact is not a priority with his employer.

 

But I know a lot of people who do not share at work and gave up social media because management surfs the net to see what their employees are up to and one does not want to slip and make a comment about work, cop to having a medical or family problem, or anything else. Fire at will state on the heals of a major recession/depression equals no friendly times at work.

[myfunnybunch]

You know, this is an area in which I would approach the teacher with or without my child.

 

Mandatory sharing of ANY private emotional information is a boundary violation. The teacher may believe that he is bonding with the students and offering a forum for them to be open, but when one is being graded on one's participation, it crosses a line. For this to be an appropriate learning activity, the teacher should make it crystal clear that this kind of sharing is optional and offer other participation opportunities for students who are uncomfortable sharing personal information about their lives and feelings.

 

Setting clear boundaries about sharing private information is a difficult and important skill, especially when the information is being solicited by someone in authority. I would guess that your dd is not the only student feeling conflicted. I'd far rather teach my teen to speak up, either coaching or by being the example myself, than encourage my teen to make something up. I would probably frame this to the teacher as a way to model boundary setting as an important social-emotional skill for teens to develop as they move into young adulthood.

 

 

 

[City Mouse]

This kind of reminds me so Sybil Treelawny from Harry Potter books when the kids had to make up predictions. Ron and Harry would make up stories about all kids of terrible stuff in order to get a good grade.

I go with the idea of her making up,something. Who cares if it really happened to,her as long as she completes the assignment.

[Pen]

I just finished filling out forms with my ds where we had to sign something for even his picture, address, or phone, to be able to be used in a directory or otherwise revealed and that allowed his height and weight to be revealed for team sports purposes. Otherwise even all that would be kept confidential.  Though obviously a rough sense of height and weight would be apparent to anyone who sees him.

 

If all that is considered to be confidential without permission otherwise, I cannot imagine that what the health teacher is asking for is appropriate. I think either to speak to the principal (and or teacher himself) if with your daughter's permission, or else to send an anonymous note to the principal is in order.

 

Is there any other health teacher available that she could change to?

 

If not, I would tend to suggest the approach of writing about the stress of a teacher at a new school asking about personal information as the subject matter she should use.

 

 

[TechWife]

This teacher is asking for personal examples of stress experienced, a "loss line" of grief experiences, and examples of how kids have responded to grief. Dd doesn't care to discuss any of it, but there is a participation grade, and written assignments exploring personal situations.

 

 

This is absolutely inappropriate. 

 

I would discuss how intrusive, personal questions in a high school health class are causing her undue stress.  The coping mechanisms she's employing are realizing that some people don't understand the concept of personal boundaries and the use of passive aggressive forms of the creative process can sometimes help deal with these dingbats.

 

I like this idea a lot if your dd is up to it. 

 

I see lots of problems here, enough that I might talk to the principal about having the teacher change how they run the class. These are the kinds of things that would be best discussed with a therapist, someone with the professional training to help a person process them AND professional and legal standards to protect that personal information.

 

The same level of protection does not exist within a classroom.

 

Discussing some imaginary or published case studies in class could be a good alternative, along with encouragement for kids to talk to a counselor if/when they find themselves experiencing stress or grief.

 

I agree. You could also ask what mental health training and licensure the teacher has - the issue of the liability of practicing therapy without licensure might get their attention if nothing else will. 

 

The illness and stress of a grandparent is a pretty universal concept. Most people deal with it at one time or another. Does she really feel that concerned about sharing that story? I would think others could relate and not think that was all that personal.

 

Yes, most people experience the death of a grandparent. However, it is personal. Each person is unique, each grandparent is unique and each family is unique. Not only that, it is up to the person sharing the information what they want to share, when they want to share it and with whom they want to share it. Always. 

 

It's the kind of thing that should be shared if/when/with whom she wants to share it. Not under grade pressure with a class full of strangers.

 

Yes, exactly! 

 

Intrusive, boundary-pushing questions in an group situation in which a child (or anyone else) is a captive audience are way out of line. (That includes corporate "team building" activities.) Sharing should be voluntary. Seriously, this kind of thing is unacceptable. I don't care what kind of environment the teacher is trying to create. It's inappropriate. The situations the teacher is asking for can be deeply private, deeply painful things. Does anyone in their right mind think they will actually stay private? Being picked on for a made-up example isn't much better. It is never too early for people to learn how to calmly tell other people that certain things are none of their &^%# business.

 

I agree. My husband work in IT. In the late 80's these types of exercises were very popular. Now they are non-existent. Part of that is budgetary and part of it is that people finally realized that in many situations they do anything but build the team. 

 

Your DD comes first, of course. I totally get not wanting to create a tough situation for her.

 

But please seriously consider talking to the principal later. Or send an anonymous "heads up" at least. There may be other kids in the class--some of whom may have seriously traumatic things in their history--who are feeling pressured to share unwillingly. Somebody needs to bring this situation to the attention of those in charge. The teacher may honestly mean well, but this approach is seriously misguided.

 

I agree. It does need to be addressed. This teacher is going to get slammed with a situation that he is completely unfamiliar with (abuse, addiction, self-harm, PTSD, mental illness, etc.) and there is a great deal of possibility that this particular exercise can to a great deal of harm to the students. 

 

I disagree that it can be done later. It needs to be done now. There may not be a "later" for some of the students in that class. 

 

I don't think the teacher is just insensitive, probably just oblivious.

...

But maybe at the end of the year, this guy needs a reality check.

I think he's oblivious and that is leading to his insensitivity. Another option is that he is not oblivious and is intentionally trying to cause his students to re-live their painful experiences. 

 

Eh, I guess I don't see it as that big of a deal. 

 

I'm sorry you see it that way. Life and death are both a "big deal" to the vast majority of the people in this world. 

 

You know, this is an area in which I would approach the teacher with or without my child.

 

Mandatory sharing of ANY private emotional information is a boundary violation. The teacher may believe that he is bonding with the students and offering a forum for them to be open, but when one is being graded on one's participation, it crosses a line. For this to be an appropriate learning activity, the teacher should make it crystal clear that this kind of sharing is optional and offer other participation opportunities for students who are uncomfortable sharing personal information about their lives and feelings.

 

Setting clear boundaries about sharing private information is a difficult and important skill, especially when the information is being solicited by someone in authority. I would guess that your dd is not the only student feeling conflicted. I'd far rather teach my teen to speak up, either coaching or by being the example myself, than encourage my teen to make something up. I would probably frame this to the teacher as a way to model boundary setting as an important social-emotional skill for teens to develop as they move into young adulthood.

 

I agree. I also think that you should explain to your daughter ahead of time, that while you understand and respect her desire for privacy and to not make waves, that the harm that could be caused by this exercise means that it needs to be addressed immediately to protect all of the students in the class. It isn't just your daughter, there are dozens of kids in there and any one of them could be living on the edge right now and they deserve their privacy and they deserve to be respected. 

 

 

 

Edited September 16, 2016 by TechWife

[TechWife]

I just finished filling out forms with my ds where we had to sign something for even his picture, address, or phone, to be able to be used in a directory or otherwise revealed and that allowed his height and weight to be revealed for team sports purposes. Otherwise even all that would be kept confidential.  Though obviously a rough sense of height and weight would be apparent to anyone who sees him.

 

If all that is considered to be confidential without permission otherwise, I cannot imagine that what the health teacher is asking for is appropriate. I think either to speak to the principal (and or teacher himself) if with your daughter's permission, or else to send an anonymous note to the principal is in order.

 

Is there any other health teacher available that she could change to?

 

If not, I would tend to suggest the approach of writing about the stress of a teacher at a new school asking about personal information as the subject matter she should use.

 

I agree with this, but I would change the tactic a bit. I would ask that the teacher be changed. The teacher is the one that has done the wrong thing and has boundary issues, therefore the teacher should be the one who should be moved out of the class. Moving the student should be a last resort. I know they will say they don't have anyone else to teach the class. Honestly, unless this is an incredibly small school, they likely do - there is a teacher somewhere that can switch a planning period or an administrator that could step in for this one semester. They could even hire a substitute teacher if need be. It won't be easy, it won't be cheap, but it can be done. Am I being realistic? No, probably not, but bringing these things up might help them realize how serious the situation is. 

 

These types of situations make me feel sick, they really do. The teacher is being completely unprofessional and disrespectful to the students. It strikes me as an abuse of power, honestly. 

[Pen]

Or...   Use real stuff, but keep it coded for privacy.   Write a time line of loss, or whatever it is, but call the losses things like "sickness of H," "death of W,"  "T. diagnosed with A."    ...    

[Epicurean]

So much good advice has already been given. I just want to say that as an abused kid, this class would have been absolute torture for me. I can't imagine what it must be like for kids who are going through or have gone through real trauma to have to take this class. It makes my heart hurt.

[Alessandra]

I had a health teacher one time do a week of "record everything you eat must be healthy choices" for grade journaling assignment. She was a ditz brain who could not understand that not everyone came from monied families who could afford seafood, three kinds of veggies, and four kinds of fruits for every person, every meal, every day. At the time, my brother was hoslitalized from a dirt bike accident so I was eating pop tarts on the way out of the house, eating no lunch because mom was living at the hospital and the food in the house was nearly gone, and fast food every night when dad picked me up to go to the hospital. Since she made it clear a bad diet equalled a bad grade, I lied my ever loving head off in that journal for a week. Whole grain toast, boiled egg, and orange for breakfast. Chef salad and apple for lunch. Salmon or chicken breast with broccoli or green beans, baked potato, whole grain roll, and water for supper. No mention of McDonalds.

 

Amazingky, I got an A!! :D

 

So I vote for making it up and telling the insensitive instructor what he or she wants to hear.

IMO, you deserved the A, because you knew healthy menu planning, lol.

[kitten18]

OP, do you have a syllabus for the class? Do you know how long this unit will go on? I would think they would be moving on to other health topic pretty quickly.

[Murphy101]

I'm fascinated that it seems I'm the only one who would honestly tell their kid, "That's crazy to ask for an assignment that's none of his business and extremely unprofessional to pry into your private thoughts and feelings about your personal life. That's not healthy expectation or examples. I guarantee you, you are not the only kid who doesn't like this. We can either both talk to him about it, or if you feel that will make the class unbearable, you have the option of civil disobediance and decide to refuse to do the personal assignments. I will back you up on that should the teacher or the school give you any grief over it. You do not owe these people an explaination of why you don't want to engage in group therapy with them for a grade."

 

And I also wonder if this teacher is prying so he can groom prey? Find the messed up kid who's desperate to confide and be listened to and exploit them? I know. Probably not. But when someone is so far out of line in abusing their position to get personal with a student - yep, I wonder why and wonder if maybe that's part of it.