Being supportive of spouse's career

[lovinmyboys]

I need some motivation or tips on how to support your spouse so they can do well in their career. I feel like I should be doing way better than I am, since I am a SAHM. (I started thinking about this after watching Madame Secretary. Her family seems so supportive. I am like -get off your phone. And I would be like that even if DH were talking to the president-which he is not).

 

Dh has two "careers." One is full time and one is supposed to be about 25ish hours a month. He is considering shifting positions in his part time job so he doesn't have as much responsibility. I know he is doing it just for me, and I hate that I am that person.

 

He loves both of his jobs. I feel like instead of being happy about that and supporting him at home to make his life easier, I gripe at him for not helping me with the kids.

 

I don't really know what I am asking. I feel like I have been at this for 10 years now and I still don't know how to solo parent (although I am not actually solo parenting). I know if I had a career, I would want my spouse to take care of the things that need to be done around the house. I just don't feel like I am good enough to do that. And I don't want him to give up things he loves because of me. I don't want him thinking in 10 years that he could be doing something really cool, but I needed him home more.

 

I know there are lots of people on this board who have spouses who work a lot. How do you not get resentful (which I know is silly) and also how do you keep everything running smoothly at home?

[HomeAgain]

This may get long, and not applicable, but here goes.

 

Dh and I found out long ago that when one of us was not feeling supportive, it was because we had needs of our own that were going unmet - friends, being a big one, or time alone, or even just scheduling time together.  Over the years (and through times of living apart, or having long, unpredictable hours) we've developed ways to deal and keep our love-cups full.

I have a sitter once a week.  I go out, buy a cup of coffee, and hang out with people.  Or alone.  I don't care.  Dh isn't here right now and it is still important for me to have time for hobbies and friends.  Otherwise I will start getting resentful that I have full-time kid duty and he's "living the single life".  Which he's not.  He's pulling 12 hour shifts but they're all with grownups so in my warped little mind that counts. :lol:  The sitter is important.  It makes me feel important and not "just a mom".  I need the time to be me.  When I get that, the world is a much better place.  I can come back here and do what needs to be done: shopping, bills, schooling, home repair...when he was here with weird hours I'd take the chance when I could.  Some night he might not be home until 9, but one night he might be home at 6.  Woot!  

 

We have date night.  Yes, even now.  After the kids go to bed and he's got a free day, we're Facetiming. I need my best friend and he needs me.  We have got to check in with each other when we have the chance and be grownups.  When he was here he put date night on our calendar 3x a week. :)  Just so we would get uninterrupted, no talking about the kids time.

 

We talk often.  He'll call before he heads off to work and we chat for a bit.  Everything is discussed: we have a budget meeting on Thursdays, go over things that come in the mail, talk about our long/short term goals and how we're hitting them. 

 

I had to redefine me when I started staying home.  I had a career.  I am not doing that anymore, and there was a feeling of loss of self.  My identity became Chief Nose Wiper.  Not cool, man, not cool.  My previous title was much more impressive.  Because I felt lost, I drifted and it took a while to redefine my daily purpose. Everyone does dishes.  Everyone changes diapers.  Why was I doing it full time and how was that anything to be proud of?  Anything I do is intangible and/or a mess again in an hour, making it almost pointless.  I can't even tell you how I finally found myself again because it was a long process.  I had to dig deep, and consider what I do a job.  This is my job.  I get up, I get dressed.  When I am dressed I feel more productive and the world works better for me.  When dh is home, everything is 50/50: I'll do bedtime, he'll clean the kitchen.  He does storytime, I switch the laundry.  But the day stuff, it would not be right for me to leave my job a mess.  I did what I could before he got home so that he wasn't walking into a Lego disaster and had a chance to decompress, too.

 

My house runs on routine.  It thrives on it.  Our calendars are all synced. I do laundry and clean specific things at specific times.  I grocery shop on the same day every week.  I take requests the night before.  We have cheater habits (dh is now getting one of those meal box kits each week to cook, I keep frozen pizza in the freezer for nights that I don't want to cook).  The kids all have their chores and routines of their own.  I keep index cards in the kitchen because they're the right size to fit in my purse.  When things need to happen, I write it down.  My one for this week has a reminder that our park time changed, I need to set up an event for kid 2, kid 1 has money due for pictures, and weds is lesson day - new lessons, I won't have to write it down after a few weeks. 

 

 

Editing to add: I know your question was about supporting your dh.  I just found a lot of it had to do with how I felt in general, and becoming more aware of my own needs I was able to meet his better, and vice versa.

 

:grouphug: I wish I had magic words or some real advice for you.  All I know is what works for me after, well, more than 10 years. ;)

Edited September 11, 2016 by HomeAgain

[Guest]

I have to echo a lot of what HomeAgain posted. I had to get a handle on my resentment first to be supportive. When I was pregnant with #3 and dealing with a three month old baby and morning sickness and taking a elementary school kid to school, Dh was traveling all over creation and often. Far more often that at any other time in our marriage. It was hard. I had just left a career, much like HomeAgain and was trying to figure out this whole SAHM role AND suddenly staring down the prospect of having babies 12 months apart. It was overwhelming. Dh had his own stuff to deal with at his work as suddenly his position and rank skyrocketed and his company started doing a bunch of takeovers. He had his own crap to deal with and wasn't in a position to read my mind, but that's where I was in my head- I expected him to be a mind reader. 

 

I finally realized I was feeling overwhelmed and out of control and needed to sit him down and explain where I was coming from. He didn't get the vulnerability I felt at becoming a SAHM, because he was completely supportive of it and didn't get why I would ever worry that he wouldn't see me the same. He also was dealing with his own worries over his job and becoming a Dad to two babies 12 months apart. It took a lot of talking and we set up some rules. Things like, when at all possible, business trips were two nights max spaced out at least a week apart. This wasn't always possible, but more often that not it was. That took a lot of pressure off. He started saying no to more work events, which was hard for him, but he realized being pregnant back to back was hard for me, so something had to give. Things like that. It took a little bit, but things became for more balanced. And after dd#3 was born, things really got into a much better groove. It didn't hurt that things changed at his job too that allowed for less travel, and about then I became far more secure in my position as a SAHM. I no longer felt some need to justify it, or that I had lost myself. I started pursuing my own interests and studying new things. Not that I could really get out with friends or anything much with the babies, but I immersed myself in reading about subjects that interested me and kind of found myself anew, if that doesn't sound too corny. And then we started homeschooling the following year and that really sealed the deal. 

 

In sum, it's a lot easier to be supportive when YOU'RE happy, but first you have to figure out why you aren't happy and talk it through with your dh. Sometimes for me it was just stream of consciousness talking almost, for him to understand where I was coming from. But that would be my advice to you. Is figure out what would make you happy. A hobby? Having him around more? Having a night out yourself? It's draining doing what we do. And you need to fill up your own account sometimes, and then it makes it easier to help fill the account for others, if that makes any sense at all. 

 

I feel like I've mostly rambled this, but if nothing else, know you aren't alone in the struggle. I think it's completely normal to struggle with it. 

 

 

[Scarlett]

I only had one child and I loved taking care of him. Then husband was never home. If he wasn't working he was out playing without us. When ds was 9 xh and I divorced.....so there is that.

[Annie G]

You need him to be supportive of your career, too.  Just because yours isn't an out of the house job doesn't mean you don't need support. Once you identify what support looks like to you- him helping in the evenings,  alone time a few times a month, words of affirmation...then let him know.  I think once you feel supported you'll be more able to find ways to support him. 

 

 

[Epicurean]

What helps me is that I know DH realizes that he works to live, not lives to work. In other words, he doesn't lose sight of the fact that his work, however much he enjoys it, is just a tool to give us more time together as a family while still being able to eat and have a roof over our heads. His number one priority is us. So if he is offered an awesome opportunity to do more work and pick up more money, his answer is almost always no. Because while we aren't rich by any means, we have enough to sustain us and he knows that the money he could make isn't worth taking him away from our family for so long. That isn't something I guilted him into, but it is a realization he had from many conversations we have had where we really talked about big picture plans, what we want our children to remember when they grow up, what we are really working toward, etc. He knows that he can't 'have it all,' and if he wants close and fulfilling relationships with his wife and children, he has to actually be there.

 

While I think it's admirable to try to look to yourself first in this situation, I think it's completely reasonable to ask yourself and ask your DH if doing this part time job at all (not just switching positions) is what is best for your family right now. Does the money it brings in offset the high cost of his absence? Maybe, maybe not. But work for its own sake, or even for his own enjoyment, is not a virtue. Nothing can replace his presence in your life and the lives of your children, so I would say unless it is absolutely necessary, it is not fair of him to spend an extra 25 hours a week outside the home.

[Arcadia]

We relocated here from our homeland because of hubby's choice of job. It is very hard to find a research engineer job in our home country.

 

We tag along to his work conference trips because he wants us to. I also know enough about his field of work to understand what his colleagues are talking about without looking too bored.

 

Financially we have some spending leeway so what has help me when my husband is busy (seasonal) at work until past 9pm and sometimes 10pm is

- use disposable plates/bowls and utensils. I only need to wash my pot or pan so that helps.

- eat out sometimes. We just spent $11 on dinner at In-N-Out on the way home. We had a relaxing time eating and chatting.

- schedule in family days. Like Labor Day weekend, hubby knows we have family fun time planned so he doesn't commit to something else thinking we will just be idling at home.

 

I have lady friends who are working. They do hire once or twice a week cleaning help and yard help and babysitters. One of my friend's husband like cooking so he cooks dinner while she runs the laundry.

 

There are times I need help with our kids. I just let my husband know explicitly. My MIL works and does all the housework. My husband would not have think to help if I didn't ask. For example, my MIL does all the kitchen cleanup, no one else is allowed to help. So my FIL never help wash dishes after meals because he would be shooed out by MIL.

 

I don't know your financial status so I won't know if it would be viable for your husband to cut back on his hours or for you to plan some fun stuff for your family for when he could clear his annual leave.

 

:grouphug:

[Amira]

This sounds more to me like a work-life balance issue than you not being supportive enough. He's working a lot and it sounds like it's having at least somewhat of a negative effect on your family because you feel like you're not getting enough help with your children.

 

If you had a career, that would not be your whole life, even if you had a maid and a cook and a gardener and a driver and had all the groceries delivered. Wanting your husband to spend more time with your family (even if it's just doing the things that have to get done) is not being unsupportive of his career. You can support his career and still find ways to balance work and family better.

 

I think it's great that he's willing to change positions to help you out more. Sometimes one partner needs more, sometimes the other does.

[Carrie12345]

We had to do a lot of work on boundaries and living in the moment.  Both of us had to become more aware of our mindsets.

 

It is okay to say "I know you're busy right now, but I am frustrated and overwhelmed right now.  As soon as you are able, I need your help."  (You may be thinking "Get off the %* phone and help!!!", but exhibiting respect and understanding gets a better response.)

 

He's become more cognizant of his work habits.  If an email comes in at 8pm, he'll look at it, but he's likely to wait until the morning to spend an hour on a reply.

 

For me, it's also important to think about whether I TRULY need help or attention or whatever, or if I'm letting previous frustrations nag me when I'm actively handling things just fine at the moment.  Maybe a 7pm phone call is annoying, but if the household is buzzing along nicely and I'm in the middle of a good book, there is no ACTUAL problem at hand!  Why make it one?

 

Lowering household standards goes a long way, too, especially if there are little ones.  Now that my kids are getting older, my house (at least the first floor, lol) is easier to keep under control with fewer kid messes and more helping hands.

 

Dh travels a fair amount so, while I always prefer to work as a team, I know full well I can keep the kids alive and the house from burning down by myself.  The rest is about connection and communication.  When we use the time we do have for that wisely, I'm usually able to keep the rest in perspective.

[J-rap]

My husband sometimes worked long hours and traveled, but he did all of that in order to secure a good income so that I could be home with the children.  He really, really would have loved to have been home with the children himself!  (He always offered to trade if I wanted to!)  So, I did always try and help him out when I could, made dinners, kept up with laundry (most of the time), etc.  Things that would ease his day a bit so that when he was home in the evenings, he could spend that time with the kids -- which he loved doing more than anything.

 

But, we also lowered our home expectations a lot -- as far as keeping it looking neat and tidy!  It was way more important for us to have family time together whenever we could.  The home was probably pretty messy for about 10 years, but that's the way it goes.  

 

We also spent the last hour or two of every day together, after the kids were asleep.  We very, very rarely were off doing our own thing during those busy years -- including computer/phone time.  Time together was too precious.

 

 

[DawnM]

He is working 40 hours at one job and 25 at another?

 

Do you need him to work that much?   I am now back to 40 hours (from 0 while being a SAHM) and I am exhausted.  I don't have much to give the family with 40 hours, I can't imagine 65.  

 

Can he change any of that?  If not, I really think your mindset has to change.  He is bringing in income, he will not have much to give when he gets home.  

[DawnM]

Yeah, my husband works insane hours sometimes.  He never works less than 45 hours a week, and it's usually another 15-30 on top of that.  It can be hard, but we have learned to organize our house around it.  He's gone a lot, but when he's home, we can max that out because we have changed our priorities to fit.  His hours can also be unpredictable.  I used to get upset that he wasn't home to eat when I'd been cooking, but that wasn't his fault.  He didn't know until the last minute.  Now, he sends me a text as he is leaving work so I know to start a meal.  That means we eat quicker and more simple food a lot of the time, and we eat out more than is probably good for us.  But if he calls at 5 and says, "Hey, I have to run out to x, want to go?"  I don't want to have food in the oven, and have to be separated from him for the whole evening.  The kids and I hop in the van and we go, and we eat out.  Family time is more important than other things.

 

I wlll also add that often when I am feeling frustrated, it isn't because he isn't being supportive, or because he isn't home.  It seems like those are the reasons, but, actually, it's because I've surrounded myself with people who don't live a life similar to mine, and their opinions make me feel like I'm doing something wrong.  Sometimes dh doesn't feel supportive, but I've learned that usually means he's exhausted, and I'm projecting. :p

 

My kids aren't going to have a routine. I'm not going to have a clean house.  We don't have a bedtime, or a homeschool schedule.  We eat fast food.  I could go on and on and on.  People who live in the same house for 30 years and whose husband's come home at 5pm every night, don't get it.  They think they do, and they will offer suggestions to you like they do, but they don't.  You have to just let that noise fade in the background and figure out what works for your family.  It's okay to go WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY out of the box.

 

Lastly, a quick plug for doing what you enjoy now and then.  I'm an extreme extrovert, and resort to chat boards when I'm home too much.  Volunteering has been a HUGE outlet for me, and clears my mind, or rather fills my mind, so I am better able to handle the little kid home monotony. 

 

 

Maybe you can offer some suggestions on volunteer work you can do with little kids.  

[madteaparty]

I will be frank: some careers are like that, all encompassing, but also they pay sufficiently that one can hire some help. My DH will be gone this entire week, travelling for work. My kids are older and one is in school so it is easier. It took me a long time to get to this point of submission (lol) in that this is what we chose. I gave up my job to do this and I'm better at it than he would be (I have working mom friends with SAH dads). I know enough about his job to understand this is how it is and accept the good with the bad. He can also work from home very frequently so that is nice, and when he is here, he is fully present.

I also got to a point in my life that I didn't want to argue about dishes anymore. If I need help, I will hire it. He has enough to worry about. In a way, going back to work part time helped me realize all this.

[Bluegoat]

Lots of other good comments that reflect my experience.  Practically though, it might be a good idea to sit and think what it is you really want help with, and for.  "Help" is really kind of nebulous, and often it is hard to solve a problem like that.

 

When I was a single parent because my husband worked away half the year, there were a few things I realized I found stressful and overwhelming.  Mainly, outdoor work - mowing and shoveling snow.  I just felt like with babies I couldn't be sure I would be able to manage those things  So - we hired someone to do them when he was away.  We also took some steps to make sure I would be able to have some family support - we moved closer to our family.

 

Being home with small kids is hard, in many wasy as much psychologically as any other way - most of us aren't really used to the modern isolation that comes with being aa SAHM, and that is not odd, I don't think most people are really built for that.  I'm an extreme introvert but even I found it hard and in some ways it was worse maybe because it takes me a long time to really establish friendships.  Holding down the fort at home is a huge help to your dh but it isn't something that you need to do totally single-handedly while your kids are small or without regard to your own need for time and friendship and activities that allow you to think a bit.

[regentrude]

My DH does not "work to live", his job is his great passion. It took me several years to come to terms with that and to let go of any feeling that I had to compete with his work - I love the man he is, and part of who he is is his passion for physics.

When the kids were born, it was difficult again; he worked in a different town and was home only from Thursday night to Monday morning. I was a SAHM, and those times were rough. What helped make it work was to articulate my needs and set boundaries. I needed one evening to myself; so DH would make arrangements to be home on Thursday nights so I could go to choir practice. The biggest boundary issue was weekend work. We argeed to have one weekend day without work, for family outings, and without any regrets or resentments that no work got done. For DH, this was initially very difficult, since he felt less productive than he was before we had kids and liked the weekend to make up for it. It took a few years to shift to a new normal. The weekend family outing became one of the most important things for our family; great parenting tool, great to reconnect. We still keep up the habit, even in times of high pressure, to set aside one day to hike.

What also helps is that, when we are both home, we share in the household and parenting work.

 

So, for me, it was easier being supportive when I felt that I was heard, my needs were taken seriously, and there were boundaries that preserved family time together.

 

Btw, I work, and DH as always been very supportive of my work, too.

 

[regentrude]

He is working 40 hours at one job and 25 at another?

 

Do you need him to work that much?   I am now back to 40 hours (from 0 while being a SAHM) and I am exhausted.  I don't have much to give the family with 40 hours, I can't imagine 65.  

 

No, the OP said the other job is 25 hours/month.

[regentrude]

Maybe you can offer some suggestions on volunteer work you can do with little kids.  

 

Our women's community center needs volunteers: to watch kids whose mothers participate in activities, help with renovations and construction, cleaning, supervising the building during opening hours. We are a child friendly organization and women bring their kids.

 

Other vounteer work can involve clerical work from home, web design for an organization, writing newsletters etc.

 

Or baking/cooking food for families who have newborns/illness/bereavement, watching their children, transporting kids/moms who do not have transportation/cannot drive for medical reasons.

 

 

Edited September 11, 2016 by regentrude

[Guest]

Yeah, my husband works insane hours sometimes. He never works less than 45 hours a week, and it's usually another 15-30 on top of that. It can be hard, but we have learned to organize our house around it. He's gone a lot, but when he's home, we can max that out because we have changed our priorities to fit. His hours can also be unpredictable. I used to get upset that he wasn't home to eat when I'd been cooking, but that wasn't his fault. He didn't know until the last minute. Now, he sends me a text as he is leaving work so I know to start a meal. That means we eat quicker and more simple food a lot of the time, and we eat out more than is probably good for us. But if he calls at 5 and says, "Hey, I have to run out to x, want to go?" I don't want to have food in the oven, and have to be separated from him for the whole evening. The kids and I hop in the van and we go, and we eat out. Family time is more important than other things.

 

I wlll also add that often when I am feeling frustrated, it isn't because he isn't being supportive, or because he isn't home. It seems like those are the reasons, but, actually, it's because I've surrounded myself with people who don't live a life similar to mine, and their opinions make me feel like I'm doing something wrong. Sometimes dh doesn't feel supportive, but I've learned that usually means he's exhausted, and I'm projecting. :P

 

My kids aren't going to have a routine. I'm not going to have a clean house. We don't have a bedtime, or a homeschool schedule. We eat fast food. I could go on and on and on. People who live in the same house for 30 years and whose husband's come home at 5pm every night, don't get it. They think they do, and they will offer suggestions to you like they do, but they don't. You have to just let that noise fade in the background and figure out what works for your family. It's okay to go WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY out of the box.

 

Lastly, a quick plug for doing what you enjoy now and then. I'm an extreme extrovert, and resort to chat boards when I'm home too much. Volunteering has been a HUGE outlet for me, and clears my mind, or rather fills my mind, so I am better able to handle the little kid home monotony.

I really really have to echo the part about people NOT getting it. That in and of itself is hard. But I found it better to stop trying to discuss my situation at all with people who didn't get it. The friend with one kid- isn't going to get it. The friend who uses child care eventhough she is a SAHM isn't going to get it. Who's husband never travels? Isn't going to get it. It's hard not having an outlet to talk about it with, but I found it even more frustrating have people minimalize my situation or the stress I was going through with completely unrealistic solutions. I have had to do the same with homeschooling. Some friends/family you have to make a boundary with and just shut them off from that aspect of your life so that you're not feeling even more piled upon. They're not ill intentioned. They just really DONT get it. They don't get that yeah, feeding your kids fast food more often than you like sometime is worth them seeing their dad. That yes, we use paper plates for most of our meals and don't need a lecture about waste and the environment and so on. Save the venty days for here or a friend who does get it and it will help too.

[lovinmyboys]

To clarify, dh's second job is currently First Sergeant for an army reserve unit. It is supposed to be just one weekend a month-about two 12 hour days (so about 25 hours a month). I don't know who thought that was realistic. He has to work way more than that to keep up with everything, but he just gets paid for the two days of work. So, he can't completely quit the army since he is under contract, but he can step down from being First Sergeant. Also, the unit is 3 hours from our house, so he spends the night there. It makes it seem like he works more than if he were able to come home at night. I would love for him to find a job in a unit close to our house. A job where he does actually only have to work the one weekend a month.

 

His full time job is also pretty stressful and averages about 55 hours a week. (I think it is more if he included all the time he is on the phone, but he doesn't include that). He also travels probably one week every two months.

 

He loves both of his jobs, but they are both stressful and require more hours than they actually pay for. He has to get the work done no matter how long it takes.

 

At both of his jobs he could (likely) transfer to a different job that pays the same and has fewer hours and less stressful work. He likes the jobs he is currently doing better, so it is worth it to him to have the hours and stress.

 

When Dh is home, he is great. It is just that he isn't home enough and I don't think he can be home more and do both of his jobs well. I need to step up and do more.

 

We have four boys ages 4-10.

[City Mouse]

This can happen even in families where both spouses work full time. I think it all goes back to what HomeAgain said.

 

My DH loved his job and his second job. In his career. the job is more than a job. It is friends and family. It has to be due to the kinds of stresses faced. He has spent most of our 25 years of marriage working odd shifts which made my life even harder.

 

I figured out that I couldn't change him, so I had to figure out what I could do do make myself happier. Sometimes that was a cleaning service. It was wonderful to come home the day the cleaning service had come. My DH didn't really like them, he thought they did not do a very good job cleaning, but it was way more than he ever did, so his Conley choice was to stop complaining about them or do all that work himself. Can you guess what he chose?

Sometimes I needed more time to myself. Sometimes it was more restaurant/take out food. sometimes it was a family camping trip.A couple of times, it was taking a break from my full time job. Sometime it was him turning down a good opportunity that would have required a shift change.

 

It would be great if DH always knew exactly what I needed from him without me saying anything. It would be great (maybe) if he was spending his days at work counting down the time to come home and be with me and the kids, but that is not how it worked for us.

[lovinmyboys]

I appreciate all of the advice. It is very helpful. I am also feeling better after a good nights sleep.

 

I do think a lot of my problem is that I have unrealistic expectations. I want to feed my kids healthy foods and sit down and eat it with them. I want them to play a sport and an instrument. I want them to have a good education. I want them to have fun family memories. I want our house to be clean (enough). I think I compare myself to other people and don't realize that they have different circumstances. I just always feel guilty for the things I am not doing. Instead of letting those things go, I nag Dh to work less so he can help me get them done. That is what I want to stop doing.

[lovinmyboys]

The things I really want help with are:

Taking kids to their activities

Helping get my 6yr old to bed

Listening to kids read/reading to kids in be evening

 

Those things are hard to hire out, but they are the things I feel most drained from or feel the most guilty about not doing.

[speedmom4]

I understand how you feel. My husband works a lot of hours and travels a great deal for his job. He's gone more than he's home.

When our children were small I was kind of miserable. I resented how much he was gone and even how much he enjoyed his job. One day while walking into Target I had a light bulb moment. I was always waiting for him to be home for me and the kids to have a life. I realized right then and there that I had to have a life if he was home or if he was away. I had to be happy if he could help me or if I was on my own. I decided to make me happy too. I did things that filled me up, which made me a better wife and mother. I tried my best not to be resentful and to think about all I was thankful for. I was thankful he had a good job and that he even liked his job!

That was a huge moment for me approximately 15 years ago. I can't say that I haven't struggled at times with how often he's gone but it usually doesn't last long. I hope for your sake that you can come to some sort of peace about it. You could nag and get your husband to do what you want but ultimately you'll end up questioning yourself. Work on making YOU happy. Find what makes you want to jump out of bed in the morning. To use an overused and silly saying, "Go find your bliss."

I hope my story helps you.

Edited September 11, 2016 by speedmom4

[maize]

The things I really want help with are:

Taking kids to their activities

Helping get my 6yr old to bed

Listening to kids read/reading to kids in be evening

 

Those things are hard to hire out, but they are the things I feel most drained from or feel the most guilty about not doing.

Those sound like pretty reasonable expectations for a working parent, I don't think you should feel guilty for wanting that.

[Carrie12345]

The things I really want help with are:

Taking kids to their activities

Helping get my 6yr old to bed

Listening to kids read/reading to kids in be evening

 

Those things are hard to hire out, but they are the things I feel most drained from or feel the most guilty about not doing.

 

Does he know this?  Can he rework things to do these more frequently?

 

Dh is the primary tucker-inner around here, and helps with transportation.  When he can.  When he can't, that's just life.

 

If he knows this, and can do it but doesn't, that's a completely separate issue from his work.

[Crimson Wife]

I appreciate all of the advice. It is very helpful. I am also feeling better after a good nights sleep.

 

I do think a lot of my problem is that I have unrealistic expectations. I want to feed my kids healthy foods and sit down and eat it with them. I want them to play a sport and an instrument. I want them to have a good education. I want them to have fun family memories. I want our house to be clean (enough). I think I compare myself to other people and don't realize that they have different circumstances. I just always feel guilty for the things I am not doing. Instead of letting those things go, I nag Dh to work less so he can help me get them done. That is what I want to stop doing.

 

Saying this gently, but with 4 kids, you need to look for extracurriculars that they can do together as much as possible. Having 4 kids on 4 different sports teams and taking individual music lessons is going to leave you running ragged and resentful that your DH isn't there to also chauffeur them around.

 

My kids may grumble about having to pick activities that they can do with siblings over ones that only they like, but it's part of being a family.

[maize]

In terms of expectations, yes, there are going to have to be compromises.

 

Have you ever sat down and written out every single thing that you believe needs to happen during a day/week, along with how much time that is realistically going to take? That exercise was eye opening for me as I realized that to actually do everything I felt I needed to do I would need at least 36 hours in a day.

 

Don't forget that we all need some downtime in the mix!

 

Meals, for example--my mom was a master of preparing from scratch healthy meals for the family, but preparing meals and taking care of babies was almost all she did. She did not, for example, homeschool, and most years she did not run kids to activities.

 

I don't do well at all with the from scratch healthy meals; much as a I want that to be a priority I have other priorities on my list that come above that (or that I just enjoy more!)

 

So, think compromises.

 

Here's a thought: if your husband cuts back to one job, he should have more family time but you will also have less money--how will that impact the family? With the money you have now, could you do some things to make your life easier--hire a cleaning service or a driver, for example? Pay someone to fix your family's dinner along with their own a couple of  times a week? 

 

In my family, my husband having more time at home doesn't necessarily equate to him carrying more household responsibilities, so if that were my primary concern (versus just having time together as a family) I think I'd take the extra money and use that to help lighten the household burden :)

Edited September 11, 2016 by maize

[lovinmyboys]

Yes, all of them on different baseball teams has been difficult. So far, it has been doable. Not sure what will happen when youngest is old enough to play.

Edited September 11, 2016 by lovinmyboys

[Jan in SC]

I think your expectations are reasonable, but just in case, can you move some things?

 

Can you listen to the readers during lunch? Maybe read to them together before bed, or in the afternoon. Maybe activities could start when they turn six and then one sport, and one instrument. Ask friends if they can carpool to sports. Most rec centers will take team requests if it's for carpooling reasons.

 

I would not be happy if my DH spent all of his time at home on the phone. Maybe he doesn't realize how much he's on it. (I know that I struggle with that.)

 

What about getting a housekeeper and once a week going to meet your DH for lunch while your house is being cleaned? I did that for years when my boys were little.

[lovinmyboys]

In terms of expectations, yes, there are going to have to be compromises.

 

Have you ever sat down and written out every single thing that you believe needs to happen during a day/week, along with how much time that is realistically going to take? That exercise was eye opening for me as I realized that to actually do everything I felt I needed to do I would need at least 36 hours in a day.

 

Don't forget that we all need some downtime in the mix!

 

Meals, for example--my mom was a master of preparing from scratch healthy meals for the family, but preparing meals and taking care of babies was almost all she did. She did not, for example, homeschool, and most years she did not run kids to activities.

 

I don't do well at all with the from scratch healthy meals; much as a I want that to be a priority I have other priorities on my list that come above that (or that I just enjoy more!)

 

So, think compromises.

 

Here's a thought: if your husband cuts back to one job, he should have more family time but you will also have less money--how will that impact the family? With the money you have now, could you do some things to make your life easier--hire a cleaning service or a driver, for example? Pay someone to fix your family's dinner along with their own a couple of times a week?

 

In my family, my husband having more time at home doesn't necessarily equate to him carrying more household responsibilities, so if that were my primary concern (versus just having time together as a family) I think I'd take the extra money and use that to help lighten the household burden :)

I do need to try this. I think "how hard can it be to cook three meals a day." Well, it probably isn't that hard if that is all I did. I tend to plan my life in boxes and not look at how they all interact. So I plan school like that is all that is going to happen. And extracurriculars like I don't have four kids. Or meals like I am not spending the evenings at the baseball fields.

[Happy]

I only had one child and I loved taking care of him. Then husband was never home. If he wasn't working he was out playing without us. When ds was 9 xh and I divorced.....so there is that.

Bolded is mine.

 

This is a key point, imo.

 

My dh travels (pilot) so lots of time away from home. BUT for us, it was important that when he was home to be focused and involved with me and the boys. Sometimes that meant doing chores around the house with us or going to a sports event for the guys or he and I having lunch away from everyone else. The big thing was he was truly home when he was not flying.

 

​I have a friend that nearly lost his marriage and family because he didn't come home to be with his family after traveling. He indulged in personal pursuits.

 

I believe even hard working hubsters must take a few minutes to figure out how to connect and reconnect with their families every day/week/month/year.

 

Not exactly the answer to the OP questions, but I had to toss my 2 pennies in.

[Spryte]

Can you hire someone to take the kids to some activities?  We've had good luck with Care.com, and use all of the criminal check options available.  We haven't needed it, but we've had several college students apply who are available evenings/nights to do night time things like reading/talking/tucking in.  Most everyone who's applied has or is in the process of getting a degree in education or child psych, or something to do with kids.  What about a neighbor?  I take the next door neighbor's kid to football once a week or so, just as a favor, but maybe you could find someone to do it more often.  

 

How about a cleaning service?  Check around because prices can vary widely.  

 

A meal prep service?  I haven't had luck with those, but hear good things about them.

 

Also - at our last house, the local grocery store (Harris Teeter) had an online option.  For $5 they'd take your order, shop it, bag it, and have it waiting at the front door for you.  All you had to do was pull up and ring the bell, they'd even load it for you.  They were awesome!  For $20/month you could go as many times as you wanted.  It was a lifesaver for me, with extra kids and infants, and one kid with severe allergies that made shopping tricky.

 

Yard service?   Anything to cut down on what you have to do to maintain the house will help.

 

We use a lot of services, because the time that DH has with us is limited, and we want the time to be together, not just doing house stuff or yard stuff.  And his take on what I do for our family is that I can't do it all.  He views homeschooling as a full time job, and recognizes that teachers are paid full time salaries for teaching.  So he wants to take the other stuff off my plate.  Which is sweet, and necessary as I have health issues and really can't do it all.  But the emotional result of all of this is that I feel valued, and that makes a huge difference.

 

The other thing I think is helpful, with my own DH, is to have clear expectations re: family time.  My DH works long hours and travels frequently.  I know he'll be gone a lot at certain times of year (now, actually), but planning for it helps, and setting up clear family time that can't be interrupted helps.  So this is his time to focus on work, but our time to focus on family/house will be next week.

 

But, we've kind of come out on the other side - he's no longer on his phone working 24/7 or checking email as it comes in.  In part, that's because we've talked about it incessantly, but it's also because he's moved up and now manages a lot of other people - and has had to encourage those other people *not* to do that.  He sees how it impacts their overall work performance and isn't impressed.  So he's having to take his own advice.  :)  This is in part because of his former boss, who was constantly telling him to put his family first.  Thankfully, DH took the advice, and we started slowly seeing more of him.  But there are clearly times when the job comes first, because it's his passion, and because it's what enables us to live the way we want, and because it's the right thing to do.  

 

 

[regentrude]

The things I really want help with are:

Taking kids to their activities

Helping get my 6yr old to bed

Listening to kids read/reading to kids in be evening

 

Those things are hard to hire out, but they are the things I feel most drained from or feel the most guilty about not doing.

 

You need to sit down with your DH and see whether it is feasible to make this happen regularly or occasionally.

It may mean adjusting the family schedule. For most people *I* know who work fulltime, taking kids to regular activities is imposible because the activities start while people are still working. My DH is not home until 7pm. I don't know anybody who gets home at 5. So, it would not be sensible to expect him to do any driving in the afternoon. Either I need to make it happen, or the activity does not work for our family.

You might have to adjust bedtime It may be unrealiustic to expect dad to be home if bedtime is at 7pm - but it could work out if bedtime were at 9pm.

[regentrude]

Those sound like pretty reasonable expectations for a working parent, I don't think you should feel guilty for wanting that.

 

That depends entirely on the work. It would not be reasonable to expect anybody I know who works full time to be available in the afternoons to shuttle kids. Not until after 6pm.

[regentrude]

I do need to try this. I think "how hard can it be to cook three meals a day." Well, it probably isn't that hard if that is all I did. I tend to plan my life in boxes and not look at how they all interact. So I plan school like that is all that is going to happen. And extracurriculars like I don't have four kids. Or meals like I am not spending the evenings at the baseball fields.

 

YOU are in charge of your schedule. YOU can make choices.

Nobody needs to cook 3 meals per day. A healthy meal can be uncooked stuff that is quick to serve. It is your choice whether you want to cook 3 times or not. I don't. I cook one warm meal. We eat a healthy balanced diet.

 

You chose to have your kids in different teams. It is perfectly fine to decide that something is not working. I always worked, and my kids could do whatever extracurriculars *I* could, and chose to, make happen. You have the power to set your schedule.

It is also not necessary to select extracurriculars that require a parent to be present and waste that time. There are options that would allow you to drop off and pick up and use the time productively.

 

YOU get to make thsoe decisions to work out a schedule that is feasible for YOU.

 

Edited September 11, 2016 by regentrude

[maize]

That depends entirely on the work. It would not be reasonable to expect anybody I know who works full time to be available in the afternoons to shuttle kids. Not until after 6pm.

I am assuming OP knows her husband's work schedule and the kids' activity schedules. My husband often works 7:30-4:30, for example. And some of my children's activities start at 6:00 or 7:00.

[regentrude]

I am assuming OP knows her husband's work schedule and the kids' activity schedules. My husband often works 7:30-4:30, for example. And some of my children's activities start at 6:00 or 7:00.

 

yes, but I thought she complained her DH did not do those things. I was pointing out that maybe the expectation to be available at 6pm is not realistic for his kind of work.

ETA: Of course, if he IS home and just not pulling his weight, that's not OK. I expect DH to share in household and parenting work when he is home, as long as I am also working on those tasks. While he is working at his job, I expect to take care of everything, because I work fewer hours outside the home.

Edited September 11, 2016 by regentrude

[Joules]

 

 

My kids aren't going to have a routine. I'm not going to have a clean house.  We don't have a bedtime, or a homeschool schedule.  We eat fast food.  I could go on and on and on.  People who live in the same house for 30 years and whose husband's come home at 5pm every night, don't get it.  They think they do, and they will offer suggestions to you like they do, but they don't.  You have to just let that noise fade in the background and figure out what works for your family.  It's okay to go WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY out of the box.

 

 

I'm empty nesting now (as much as one can with a freshman home every weekend!), so things may slowly become different.  But the above was our life.  I have health issues and dh worked crazy long hours with a crazy long commute.  I felt lucky when he got 8 hours at home in between so he could get a decent night's sleep.  

 

I grew up with a dad who punched a time clock and friend's whose dhs did the same.  I creates a totally different life.  

[El...]

I'm a supportive spouse to active duty military.  Sometimes I'm @#&^%r% supportive.  :)  So I get where you are at! 

 

It helps me to realize that the characteristics of DH's personality that I admire, his responsibility, his work ethic, his loyalty, etc., are why he works so hard.  Those characteristics make him very good at his job.  He's not neglecting me; he's doing his mission in life, and that mission matters.  It helps that I'm a veteran, so I feel some of that mission, too.

 

The best thing I've done for myself, this duty station, is to take up karate.  The kids tag along, if DH is not available, and I allow the electronics which I otherwise heavily restrict, while I have my class.  I need this time.  I need to exercise extremely hard, and to engage with other adults in a subject that fascinates me.  It's really good for me.  There are other activities, such as church small groups, that we are not doing right now, so that I can have karate.  I don't care.

[wapiti]

I don't really have any advice.  I purposely avoided having my kids involved in athletics for this reason; some sports are a major time suck.  With six kids, that just isn't going to work.  As it turned out, my oldest isn't into any particular sport, next plays lacrosse but only in the spring, so less than three months per year (two practices, one game/wk).  His twin brother has a medical condition for which athletics are contraindicated.  And the little ones haven't really asked (and I'm not offering).  Middle child would like to referee.  They play a lot in the backyard.

 

Meals involve plenty of shortcuts.  All the kids make their own school lunches except for one, who buys it at school.  They are a little bored with my usual rotation of dinners and I try to throw in something different every week or two if I can.  Most things I make are quick, 30 minutes.  Pizza once per week (have to make a dairy-free for one but no big deal), tacos once per week, hamburgers, stir fry, etc.

 

My dh works a high-stress job but does plenty of driving of the kids thanks to his flexible schedule.  He goes into the office early most days and comes back when he wants, works from home in the afternoon, etc.  He picks up half the kids from school when he is in town (they are in three schools, one takes a bus to a stop near one of the schools, the other two schools get out at the same time, 25 min apart).  When he is traveling, it's a pain; our solution changes over time (right now, the big kids will walk to the playground and wait until I can get there).  He takes ds to lacrosse practice and most games.  He is itching for dd15 to learn to drive LOL though she hasn't yet completed the lessons required for the permit; it'll then take a year before she can get her license.  We are looking forward to not having the kids in three schools - maybe just two next year or the year after - we haven't decided yet.  One school year at a time.

 

In order to be supportive of his career, I really need to be able to handle all kid needs 24/7 for anytime his work takes precedence, such as when he is traveling or has meetings, dinners, etc.  Coming up with a plan to do that and making it happen is really stressful for me at the start of each school year when I'm not sure how things will fly with the traffic.  It is much easier for me now that my little kids can stay home with the older kids "babysitting" so that I can run someone to an appt or run to the grocery by myself.  I waited a long, long time for this.

 

Keeping the house tidy is not one of my strong points.  It's where I fall down in my support.  I try to make sure his laundry is done.  For meals, fortunately he's not picky as long as there's something edible.

Edited September 11, 2016 by wapiti

[lovinmyboys]

I'm empty nesting now (as much as one can with a freshman home every weekend!), so things may slowly become different. But the above was our life. I have health issues and dh worked crazy long hours with a crazy long commute. I felt lucky when he got 8 hours at home in between so he could get a decent night's sleep.

 

I grew up with a dad who punched a time clock and friend's whose dhs did the same. I creates a totally different life.

Yeah, my dad worked 40 hour weeks every week-pretty much 7-3:30 M-F. It has been an adjustment for me.

 

What I would like is for Dh to work 2 shorter days and 3 longer days. So two days a week he could be home by 5:30 to help chauffeur kids, and the other 3 days he could work as late as he needs.

 

I totally understand that I chose to put my kids in activities and I can choose to take them out. It just seems like everyone does these activities and figures out a way to get their kids to them. I should be able to figure it out too.

 

Our life isn't really too crazy most of the time. Sometimes I just get overwhelmed and I know I take it out on Dh. I mean really, who has time for 2 careers and 4 kids. On the other hand, he loves what he does and I think it is good for adults to have passions and lives apart from their families. I don't want to be the reason he quits something he loves. Of course, I don't want to be the reason my kids have to quit stuff they love either.

 

Mostly, I think I just want to have plenty of time and money for everything my whole family wants to do ðŸ˜

[regentrude]

What I would like is for Dh to work 2 shorter days and 3 longer days. So two days a week he could be home by 5:30 to help chauffeur kids, and the other 3 days he could work as late as he needs.

 

 

Have you had this conversation with him?

Would this be feasible in his line of work? What steps would be required to make this happen? Would it mean the other days have to be extremely long?

 

 

 

It just seems like everyone does these activities and figures out a way to get their kids to them. I should be able to figure it out too.

Btw, not everybody has their young kids in evening activities. My kids did not begin outside activities (other than piano lessons in our home) until 5th grade and then only activities AT the school so I could pick them up afterwards. We were not willing to make our lives crazy by participating in more scheduled stuff, and we did not buy into the necessity of organized activities for young kids. Still don't. Just because other people do something does not mean YOU have to.

 

ETA: As for the figuring out how to get them there: I am not sure I understand completely. Is the issue that you have to drag all the siblings along? Or that it interferes with bedtime for littles? Or is it simply that you hate it all takes so much time?

Edited September 11, 2016 by regentrude

[maize]

Mostly, I think I just want to have plenty of time and money for everything my whole family wants to do ðŸ˜

Don't we all? :)

 

Like I said, there will be compromises. Think long and hard about your priorities and about what is realistic. You have a larger than average family, that alone is going to change the equation of what is possible.

 

 

Sometimes I read on here about people doing really amazing things with their homeschooled kids and think "I should do that!"--then I realize that the poster has one or two kids. I have six, and that changes things significantly. Giving my kids all these siblings also means not being able to give them other things I would like to give.

 

Compromise.

 

And again, consider outside help. Might be easier and cheaper to pay a teammate's parent to drive a child to and from sports practice than for your husband to change his work hours to do the same.

Edited September 11, 2016 by maize

[heartlikealion]

I probably am the last person to give advice on this front as I'm having some of my own similar battles, but I will say that I've concluded

 

a) not all women (or people for that matter) will agree on what too heavy a load is. And this is probably like the glass of water analogy. Anything is too much if you're holding it for too long, even a small glass of water. I think my "enough is enough" point comes earlier than a lot of people and then I get bitter over things that I guess other spouses may not gripe about. I've accepted this about myself and need to work on getting dh and I to stop comparing ourselves to other people. What works for one couple may work for them... but it may not work for us.

 

b) I have to carve out some time for myself and make sure it happens at regular intervals. I'm still working on this.

 

Based on what I read upthread, I know that would backfire in my relationship... asking dh to work a "short" night where at 5:30 he gets home and then is expected to leave again. Have you run this idea by him? Because if this was my spouse, he'd want to just eat/relax/crash. He might go for it, but it would depend on how important it was to him and his energy levels. If playing taxi was too much I'd most likely have to cut activities as it wouldn't be realistic for me and my spouse to be driving somewhere all the time.

 

 

When Dh is home, he is great. It is just that he isn't home enough and I don't think he can be home more and do both of his jobs well. I need to step up and do more.

 

NO. I don't think you do. I think you need to cut things (or modify). Because if you are already overwhelmed and your advice is essentially "burn the candle at both ends" that isn't going to end well. If your husband is not going to be able to help in the areas you need/want help, then cut things to make those times easier on yourself. Maybe bedtime would be easier if you weren't rushing home from a baseball field or whatever. I told my dh that even if we could afford a sport for ds right now, I don't think it could work logistically. Sometimes you have to look at things from a logistical point of view.

 

But that's just my observations from what little I know from this thread. And I felt as someone that gets overwhelmed easily I just wanted you to know, don't feel badly. You're probably doing way more than me LOL

[LucyStoner]

He is working 40 hours at one job and 25 at another?

 

Do you need him to work that much? I am now back to 40 hours (from 0 while being a SAHM) and I am exhausted. I don't have much to give the family with 40 hours, I can't imagine 65.

 

Can he change any of that? If not, I really think your mindset has to change. He is bringing in income, he will not have much to give when he gets home.

I think the 25 hour one was 25 a month, not 25 a week. Lots of people work 45-50 hours a week these days, especially if they are the sole financial support for a family.

[Arcadia]

The things I really want help with are:

Taking kids to their activities

Helping get my 6yr old to bed

Listening to kids read/reading to kids in be evening.

We manage to do the evening reading and getting kids to bed part by letting our kids have a later bedtime. Would that be feasible for you?

 

For music instrument, with four kids, I would recommend a keyboard or electric piano. It is easier to self teach the basics and if your kids take lessons next time, finding a piano teacher is lots easier than other instruments except maybe guitar or ukulele.

 

I also find the YMCA useful for sports. My kids could do their schoolwork at the lobby there while a sibling is in sports class.

[LucyStoner]

Regarding transportation to evening activities... Have you considered carpooling? Or offering another family from that activity money to take yours too?

 

We limit evening activities somewhat but we can't eliminate them without telling my younger son he can't do soccer or scouts. I don't consider soccer and scouts to be excessive, so we make it work. I am almost always the one taking him to soccer because it's rare for my husband to be home in time to leave by 5pm for soccer. We make this work by doubling up. I reserve the time my younger son is at soccer to help my older son with his spelling bee prep work. So it's not an hour I'm just waiting around. For scouts, they start later and unless my husband is working mid or swing shift that day, he tries to be the one to take him. I don't resent it when I am the one taking him because I know that if my husband could, he would.

 

As for outside help you might find yourself more available for the evening stuff if you get some downtime in the middle of the day.

[Rachel]

I don't have time at the moment to read all the replies so if I'm saying the same thing, just ignore me.

 

My husband has always travelled. The longer we have been married,the more responsibilities he has had at work. When we first had kids, the only way I could stay home was for him to have a full time job and a part time job. For whatever reason, it was easier for me to accept that than a job that required him to travel at the last minute or take phone calls/answer emails after traditional work hours.

 

He now has one job, he makes significantly more money than he did a decade ago, and he has significantly more responsibility. Occasionally he gets in cycles where he is traveling a lot or dealing with a lot outside of his regular hours. When I feel it weighing on me, I let him know. It's easier for me to deal with when I get some alone time. With homeschooling that can be tough! I committed to a cycling class twice a week and a monthly book club. Those help. When I'm getting run down and need some more time, I request an hour or two of alone time at home. My husband will take the kids grocery shopping or out to lunch. It's enough to recharge. When even that doesn't help, it's time for a date night. That may mean going out to dinner or sitting on the front porch actually talking. My husband works a minimum of 50 hours a week. He's typically gone one night a week but frequently 2-3. When he's home, there is usually email to deal with (seriously I've never seen someone get so many emails!).

 

Our roles have definitely shifted. We used to more evenly split things around the house and I didn't need to tell him what needed to be done. Now I have to ask, not in a rude way, but I have to let him know I'm getting overwhelmed. I have also let my standards relax. Oh, and I request no email from when he gets home until the kids are in bed. That's been big for us.

 

As far as being supportive of the actual career, I have made it a point to thank my husband regularly for his hard work. He recognizes that a lot of the advancement in his career is possible because I do stay home and he can work somewhat crazy hours and travel at the last minute because we don't have to juggle schedules much to make it happen.

 

Your job is important too. You may not get a paycheck, but what you do is supporting your family. Sometimes just getting that acknowledgement helps.

[Scarlett]

Bolded is mine.

 

This is a key point, imo.

 

My dh travels (pilot) so lots of time away from home. BUT for us, it was important that when he was home to be focused and involved with me and the boys. Sometimes that meant doing chores around the house with us or going to a sports event for the guys or he and I having lunch away from everyone else. The big thing was he was truly home when he was not flying.

 

​I have a friend that nearly lost his marriage and family because he didn't come home to be with his family after traveling. He indulged in personal pursuits.

 

I believe even hard working hubsters must take a few minutes to figure out how to connect and reconnect with their families every day/week/month/year.

 

Not exactly the answer to the OP questions, but I had to toss my 2 pennies in.

And that was our undoing. He made a life outside our marriage that turned into a double life.

 

Not saying that would happen to the OP.....but it is important to stay connected even as they go about their respective work (career/SAHM)

[HomeAgain]

 

I totally understand that I chose to put my kids in activities and I can choose to take them out. It just seems like everyone does these activities and figures out a way to get their kids to them. I should be able to figure it out too.

 

 

 

No....lol....that's not how this works.  If it did, everyone would have 2.5 kids and the same schedules for them all.

 

We don't do evening activities until at least 6yo.  No sports until age 6.  1 major, 1 minor activity per kid: major being year round, minor being a season or set of lessons.  That's my level of ability.  I can do that, but I can also put my foot down and say no when a kid wants activities on the same night as his brother.  Nope.

 

I have friends that don't do any outside activities.  I have friends that only do them if the kids can go together, like the homeschool gymnastics class here.  You have to do what works for you and keeps you sane.